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(Cracked)   4 Twilight movies based on somebody that has not seen them, since there can be never be enough articles about that movie   (cracked.com) divider line 37
    More: Satire, twilight movies, Twilight series, Oh my, twi, Harry Potter, gladiators, vampires  
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3409 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 16 Nov 2012 at 2:49 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-16 01:16:18 PM  
i1079.photobucket.com
No. With you, never a quickie. Always a longie.
 
2012-11-16 02:50:34 PM  
I haven't seen the latest one but from what I understand the "twist" would piss me off if I gave a shiat.
 
2012-11-16 02:55:53 PM  

Mugato: I haven't seen the latest one but from what I understand the "twist" would piss me off if I gave a shiat.


So like if the sharks and the jets just said "screw it"
 
2012-11-16 03:01:06 PM  
You can watch most trailers and know the film you're going to see.
 
2012-11-16 03:02:39 PM  
I like the one with the angst and rain. Also, I would put my pee pee in Ashley Green.
 
2012-11-16 03:07:17 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com

Edward
 
2012-11-16 03:16:52 PM  

thecpt: Mugato: I haven't seen the latest one but from what I understand the "twist" would piss me off if I gave a shiat.

So like if the sharks and the jets just said "screw it"


I don't want to give away spoilers but I doubt anyone in this thread is foaming at the mouth to see the film yet hasn't already so yeah.
 
2012-11-16 03:19:03 PM  

thecpt: Mugato: I haven't seen the latest one but from what I understand the "twist" would piss me off if I gave a shiat.

So like if the sharks and the jets just said "screw it"


....and just as gay.
 
2012-11-16 03:19:40 PM  
"Twilight 5: Get Busy, or Die Twi-ing"
 
2012-11-16 03:23:27 PM  

Mugato: thecpt: Mugato: I haven't seen the latest one but from what I understand the "twist" would piss me off if I gave a shiat.

So like if the sharks and the jets just said "screw it"

....and just as gay.


www.popcrunch.com

Maybe.
 
2012-11-16 03:27:16 PM  
oh cool, a venue to vent my pleen on the douches that released this.

My wife being a big fan, she wanted to see the double feature version. Last years part, followed by the new release. Started at 7PM.

Thing is that no one saw fit to mention that they couldn't show the new part until 10PM. I can even see the reasons for that, as that when the single version screens premiered.

But the thing there is zero apparent reason for is more than an hour of dead time between the two parts. With no warning given at the ticket booth. A whole audience of people stuck in a theater twiddling their thumbs for more an hour. Completely dead air. No trailers, no short special film. Not even farking ads. Just an hour of wasted life.

The theater manager blames Lionsgate, the distributor. But whether it was Lionsgate or Rave Theaters, its a slight that won't be forgotten, and one that will be mentioned by me as often as possible. (Like here)

One more reason not to go to the big screen. Wonderful business plan.
 
2012-11-16 03:36:47 PM  
Wait, the movies are based on someone who hasn't watched the movies? WTF am I reading?
 
2012-11-16 03:40:11 PM  

thecpt: Mugato: I haven't seen the latest one but from what I understand the "twist" would piss me off if I gave a shiat.

So like if the sharks and the jets just said "screw it"


Actually, IIRC, that's exactly what happened in the book. "Ruling" vampires and their army meet the Cullens and their ragtag group of vamps and werewolves on the battlefield. Everyone's all set to fight when someone produces another human/vamp hybrid that hasn't gone on a killing spree, as the other vamps had feared. "Oh, okay. Going back to Italy now. Take care."

/Read the books while on a week of bedrest
//I still say husband was torturing me by leaving only those god-awful books within arm's reach.
 
2012-11-16 03:41:11 PM  

Vlad_the_Inaner: oh cool, a venue to vent my pleen on the douches that released this.

My wife being a big fan, she wanted to see the double feature version. Last years part, followed by the new release. Started at 7PM.

Thing is that no one saw fit to mention that they couldn't show the new part until 10PM. I can even see the reasons for that, as that when the single version screens premiered.

But the thing there is zero apparent reason for is more than an hour of dead time between the two parts. With no warning given at the ticket booth. A whole audience of people stuck in a theater twiddling their thumbs for more an hour. Completely dead air. No trailers, no short special film. Not even farking ads. Just an hour of wasted life.

The theater manager blames Lionsgate, the distributor. But whether it was Lionsgate or Rave Theaters, its a slight that won't be forgotten, and one that will be mentioned by me as often as possible. (Like here)

One more reason not to go to the big screen. Wonderful business plan.


1) You could have used the 60 minutes to kill yourself rather than see part 2.
2) You could have used the 60 minutes to find your manhood.
3) Your wife could have used the 60 minutes to fellate you, as an apology for the films.
4) The time could've been used to make use of the facilities or to buy more junk food to stuff into your consume-hole.

YOU wasted the time. Don't blame the theater.
 
2012-11-16 03:46:02 PM  

brigid_fitch: /Read the books while on a week of bedrest
//I still say husband was torturing me by leaving only those god-awful books within arm's reach.


I don't blame you. A lot of friends in college read those books. The movies I cannot forgive though. There is no attempt to add anything of value to those other than what riff trax does. When books that people say were "awfully written" are converted to movies, the industry can make it into something substantial. This series seemed to try to avoid that entirely.
 
2012-11-16 03:48:07 PM  
Hi. I have not seen any Twilight movies, but based on the first picture in the article, why is the Columbia Gorge suddenly in Forks, WA? Are we supposed to not recognize Beacon Rock? Are we expected to think that the Columbia River is actually the Sol Duc River?
 
2012-11-16 03:48:53 PM  
braedan: YOU wasted the time. Don't blame the theater.

Just like I wasted time reading your douchery?

You can actually blame the theater in this instance. That was badly managed.

/Personally, I would have brought a copy of Dracula just to fark with people.
 
2012-11-16 03:49:02 PM  
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/escape-to-the-movies/6525- Twilight-Breaking-Dawn-Part-Two

A pretty good review of the game by Bob "Game Overthinker" Chapman. Something about the line "They feed Dakota Fanning to a giant wolf" fills me with glee.
 
2012-11-16 03:56:58 PM  

brigid_fitch: Actually, IIRC, that's exactly what happened in the book


That's immaterial though, isn't it? Jaws was a shiatty book and an awesome movie for example.
 
2012-11-16 04:07:41 PM  

Daquin: A pretty good review of the game by Bob "Game Overthinker" Chapman. Something about the line "They feed Dakota Fanning to a giant wolf" fills me with glee.


i saw that, could not for the life of me figure out if he was serious or not
 
2012-11-16 04:11:39 PM  
Game? Movie! I would say it is too early, but it is 4pm. No excuse.
 
2012-11-16 04:16:11 PM  

Hollie Maea: Hi. I have not seen any Twilight movies, but based on the first picture in the article, why is the Columbia Gorge suddenly in Forks, WA? Are we supposed to not recognize Beacon Rock? Are we expected to think that the Columbia River is actually the Sol Duc River?


Yes, it's called fiction. Turns out Tunisia is not on Tatooine, either.
 
2012-11-16 04:38:54 PM  

braedan: Vlad_the_Inaner: oh cool, a venue to vent my pleen on the douches that released this.

My wife being a big fan, she wanted to see the double feature version. Last years part, followed by the new release. Started at 7PM.

Thing is that no one saw fit to mention that they couldn't show the new part until 10PM. I can even see the reasons for that, as that when the single version screens premiered.

But the thing there is zero apparent reason for is more than an hour of dead time between the two parts. With no warning given at the ticket booth. A whole audience of people stuck in a theater twiddling their thumbs for more an hour. Completely dead air. No trailers, no short special film. Not even farking ads. Just an hour of wasted life.

The theater manager blames Lionsgate, the distributor. But whether it was Lionsgate or Rave Theaters, its a slight that won't be forgotten, and one that will be mentioned by me as often as possible. (Like here)

One more reason not to go to the big screen. Wonderful business plan.

1) You could have used the 60 minutes to kill yourself rather than see part 2.
2) You could have used the 60 minutes to find your manhood.
3) Your wife could have used the 60 minutes to fellate you, as an apology for the films.
4) The time could've been used to make use of the facilities or to buy more junk food to stuff into your consume-hole.

YOU wasted the time. Don't blame the theater.


The cut of your jib. I like it. Newsletter, etc...
 
2012-11-16 04:52:53 PM  
Maybe a Twilight fan could explain why a relationship between Elmo and a young boy is creepy but a relationship between a full grown werewolf man and a vampire hybrid infant is a okay?

(I can't believe I just typed that nonsense.)
 
2012-11-16 04:53:31 PM  

Shadowtag: braedan: YOU wasted the time. Don't blame the theater.

Just like I wasted time reading your douchery?

You can actually blame the theater in this instance. That was badly managed.

/Personally, I would have brought a copy of Dracula just to fark with people.


In all seriousness, I disagree. Maybe an hour is excessive, but an intermission to relieve oneself is a good idea. While patrons are up they may as well have an opportunity to buy more from the concession stand (you know, where the theater makes all their money).

Lastly, if the theater was showing a film print (I know, unlikely) they would need time to get the new print setup...I think, it's been a long time since I was in a projectionist booth.

I do agree that at the very least someone should've switched on the music & ads.
 
2012-11-16 04:54:16 PM  
I wish I still kept the fanfic I wrote as a 13 year old, I'd be making bank now.

It was decidedly less creepy and the heroine, while being a complete mary sue, at least had dreams and ambitions beyond "get married and be totally dependent on creepy rich boy".
 
2012-11-16 05:13:13 PM  
Edward and Bella stare at each other with expressions that say "I am in this movie and looking at you" and "Me too," respectively.

I like that...
 
2012-11-16 05:48:25 PM  

Hollie Maea: Hi. I have not seen any Twilight movies, but based on the first picture in the article, why is the Columbia Gorge suddenly in Forks, WA? Are we supposed to not recognize Beacon Rock? Are we expected to think that the Columbia River is actually the Sol Duc River?


It's a farking movie so yes. You probably biatch about how anyone could not recognize that the space monsters were clearly just men in Latex suites and it ruined the entire tentacle rape movie.

/phone corrected it to suites and I thought it was funnier
 
2012-11-16 07:21:59 PM  
And the "twist"? It's one of those "then I woke up" type of endings.
http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/11/16/breaking-dawn-part-2- ending-twist/
 
2012-11-16 08:26:16 PM  

Vlad_the_Inaner: oh cool, a venue to vent my pleen on the douches that released this.

My wife being a big fan, she wanted to see the double feature version. Last years part, followed by the new release. Started at 7PM.

Thing is that no one saw fit to mention that they couldn't show the new part until 10PM. I can even see the reasons for that, as that when the single version screens premiered.

But the thing there is zero apparent reason for is more than an hour of dead time between the two parts. With no warning given at the ticket booth. A whole audience of people stuck in a theater twiddling their thumbs for more an hour. Completely dead air. No trailers, no short special film. Not even farking ads. Just an hour of wasted life.

The theater manager blames Lionsgate, the distributor. But whether it was Lionsgate or Rave Theaters, its a slight that won't be forgotten, and one that will be mentioned by me as often as possible. (Like here)

One more reason not to go to the big screen. Wonderful business plan.


You went to see two Twilight movies and you're complaining about "an hour of wasted life"?
 
2012-11-16 08:27:47 PM  

Mugato: brigid_fitch: Actually, IIRC, that's exactly what happened in the book

That's immaterial though, isn't it? Jaws was a shiatty book and an awesome movie for example.


Jaws isn't a shiatty book, but its author is a tool.
 
2012-11-16 09:58:36 PM  

SuperChuck: Wait, the movies are based on someone who hasn't watched the movies? WTF am I reading?


Thank you!
 
2012-11-16 10:09:01 PM  
That headline made my brain hurt.
 
2012-11-16 10:42:12 PM  

Mugato: I haven't seen the latest one but from what I understand the "twist" would piss me off if I gave a shiat.


Yeah, OK, not knowing the "twist" on something based on an obscure book, or on a popular book from before your time, I get that. But if you go to see a movie based on a book that was on the NYT bestseller list and a major part of pop culture less than 3 years ago and you didn't bother to read it, I have no real sympathy for whatever you might feel when the movie "surprises" you with the exact plot of the book.
 
2012-11-17 01:19:17 AM  

moothemagiccow: Hollie Maea: Hi. I have not seen any Twilight movies, but based on the first picture in the article, why is the Columbia Gorge suddenly in Forks, WA? Are we supposed to not recognize Beacon Rock? Are we expected to think that the Columbia River is actually the Sol Duc River?

Yes, it's called fiction. Turns out Tunisia is not on Tatooine, either.


kroonermanblack: It's a farking movie so yes. You probably biatch about how anyone could not recognize that the space monsters were clearly just men in Latex suites and it ruined the entire tentacle rape movie.


Having men in rubber suits stand in for fictional aliens is one thing. Having Tunisia stand in for the fictional planet of Tattooine is a very similar thing. What they have in common is that the thing that needs to be filmed can't be filmed because it's not real, it's fictional.

The Sol Duc River is not fictional. It's real. Which makes your analogy dumb, which makes you dumb, and you should feel bad about yourselves now.

But sending a film crew to shoot the Columbia River (and iconic parts of the Columbia at that) and then trying to pass it off as the Sol Duc River, which is only a couple hundred miles away and equally beautiful, is a different thing entirely.

I mean the Sol Duc is just as easy to shoot from a helicopter as the Columbia, so why not shoot the real thing?
 
2012-11-17 04:24:00 PM  

Rye_: One more reason not to go to the big screen. Wonderful business plan.

You went to see two Twilight movies and you're complaining about "an hour of wasted life"?


The extra hour yes. I went in knowing I'd sacrifice the running time for my wife's benefit. But the extra wait, when it could have been trivially avoided, added nothing

/I suspect if she knew about the extra wait that she'd have just popped in the DVD instead
 
2012-11-18 09:30:39 AM  
"Line?"
 
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