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(Fark)   Your worst Thanksgiving stories. Let's have 'em   (fark.com) divider line 56
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136 clicks; posted to FarkUs » on 15 Nov 2012 at 4:02 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-15 12:31:22 PM
THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!
 
2012-11-15 12:34:55 PM
In before really depressing stories.
 
2012-11-15 12:43:54 PM

Walker: THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!


You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

/also he said worst, not best.
 
2012-11-15 12:45:48 PM
Standard stuff, really. Mom will hit the wine a little too hard, and start crying about how she failed as a mother and lay into my sister for being a lesbian (which she's not). I'll accidentally make a relative (who has also been drinking heavily) cry with an innocent joke. There will be a debate about whether or not the kids should watch a Disney movie because of its witchcraft-promoting themes. That's the everyday Thanksgiving stuff though, hard to single out any one in particular.
 
2012-11-15 12:47:58 PM
I heard that some people actually fry turkeys instead of roasting them...*shudder*
 
2012-11-15 12:48:18 PM
Okay, this was my very first Thanksgiving and my first turkey, I think I was around...24? About 10 family members attending, most from my husband's side of the family. Everything was going well until I grabbed the rack to pull out the turkey and didn't have the oven mitt completely around my right middle finger; just sizzled the flesh. OMG it hurt so bad! Ran cold water over it at the sink, hurt like a !@#!@!.

Had to finish cooking everything, of course, with that finger just killing me. Ended up sitting at dinner with my finger stuck in a glass of water. Slept that way too!

Then my husband's cousin, who was...17? 19? Clearly came to the event stoned out of her tiny mind, which was fine, except while the turkey was resting she stood next to it in the kitchen while my husband and I ran around setting the table. When we went to grab the bird for carving, she had *stripped all the skin off the turkey and eaten it*. Disbelievingly, I kept saying, "Why did you do that? HOW could you eat all the skin? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" While this naked, bald turkey sat there glistening obscenely in its nekkidness.

She just laughed, in that totally stoned way people do when they are uber stoned laugh, and licked her fingers.

I could have cheerfully wrung her neck.
 
2012-11-15 12:55:47 PM
Worst was when my dad was in the heart hospital. Ever eat at a heart hospital? Then on the way home, found an open convenience store so I could at least get some hot peanuts and a mountain dew and got to listen to Sirius NFL for the night game. And got a ticket, 70 in a 65, but you know it's Thanksgiving, and they tell you they will be out in super force, and they are.........
 
2012-11-15 01:05:34 PM
Don't have any really bad ones -- my family gets along for the most part. A good one:

1989, my whackadoodle fundie aunt has a brand-new camcorder. One of the old shoulder-mounted VHS beasts. She decides to go around the table to record what we're thankful for. Mostly trite responses ("A beautiful family," "God's blessings," etc.), but my grandmother is beaming with pride at them. Then my aunt gets to my dad.

What my dad was thankful for: "A varied and fulfilling sex life."

My aunt and grandmother both dropped their jaws. My mother slapped my dad repeatedly. My grandfather quietly smirked and bit his lip -- he was not one for goofy shenanigans so he pretended to be upset, but he knew a good zinger when he heard one. My uncle and I pretty much fell out of our chairs, laughing with tears in our eyes.

Ever since then, his response to the question when it arises is, "My opinion on the matter remains unchanged."
 
2012-11-15 01:07:21 PM

tasinda: Then my husband's cousin


**cough ex-husband cough**
 
2012-11-15 01:09:27 PM
dramboxf:

My bad! ;P
 
2012-11-15 01:09:58 PM
Not really "worst" but one that annoyed me was my son-in-law's brother (or my daughter's brother-in-law, fielder's choice) went on for four hours one Thanksgiving about how We Never Landed On The Moon. No amount of logic would persuade him. Even showing him images of the landing sights on Google Moon did not dissuade him.

Chief argument: The radiation would have killed them since the skin of the LM was so thin.
 
2012-11-15 01:12:57 PM
landing sites.

/GAH!
 
2012-11-15 01:13:10 PM

dramboxf: No amount of logic would persuade him


Trying to reason with a conspiracy theorist is slightly less of a waste of time than is monitoring your car 24/7 in the hopes that every molecule in it will spontaneously and simultaneously quantum-tunnel six feet north.
 
NFA [TotalFark]
2012-11-15 01:14:29 PM

gopher321: I heard that some people actually fry turkeys instead of roasting them...*shudder*


I've heard some people lead sheltered lives when it comes to trying new and tasty things.
 
2012-11-15 01:17:30 PM

BKITU: Trying to reason with a conspiracy theorist is slightly less of a waste of time than is monitoring your car 24/7 in the hopes that every molecule in it will spontaneously and simultaneously quantum-tunnel six feet north.


This was my first face-to-face meeting with one. I had to spend the first hour in the "You're farking with me, right? Yeaaaaah, you're farking with me!" mind set. Then, once I realized he, indeed, believed what tripe he was spouting, by that time I was a) quite drunk and b) invested.
 
2012-11-15 01:31:39 PM
In a strange reversal, my family and I tend to get along better at holidays.
 
2012-11-15 01:40:23 PM
1. My stepmom put the turkey in the oven and forgot to take the plastic bag of giblets and neck out first.

2. We were at a football game and the idiots tailgating next to us decided to deep fry a turkey - and they put in too much oil, so when they put the turkey in, the oil boiled over and caused a grease fire in the parking lot of the stadium. Noone was hurt, but I think a couple of nearby cars had some of their paint burned.
 
2012-11-15 01:53:18 PM
We were sitting down to dinner when I managed to knock over the gravy boat and spill it all on the floor before anyone had gotten so much as a drop.

Always serve your gravy in two boats, in case one of them sinks.
 
2012-11-15 01:54:10 PM
Uncle Denny was really the black sheep uncle. Not the alcoholic uncle that leers at your sister once she starts to fill in, or the uncle that goes away for years on end showing up at your door needing cash.

He was a priest, and was taken care of through his whole life. He never needed to really think or work for himself, so he was clumsy and absent minded. He once took the train from LA to Seattle and decided while the train was stopped to go get some peanuts. Rather than go to the dining car, he got off the train and walked across the concourse and go to the store, and stop into the bathroom. He bought his peanuts and saw the train rolling away, so he had to take a taxi 90 miles to the next stop to re-board. Once he left the priesthood, he decided to be independent but it never really worked.

When he was 83 he decided to invite himself out to California for 3 weeks and stay with us for Thanksgiving. Now he was really on the skids, his parkinson's was kicking in, and he was losing his cognitive function.

When my mom picked him up at the airport she found him standing there with a small carry on bag. She started to walk towards the baggage claim, he said "no need, I have everything here" pointing to his small bag.

It turns out that he had only brought what he was wearing, and a change of underwear and socks, as well as his bible, so my mom had to go out and purchase a weeks worth of clothes for him.

He also refused to use pajamas. And he got to take my bed. I made my mom go out and buy all new sheets and a comforter. One night he went to use the toilet, and somehow wound up falling into the bathtub and he couldn't get up. I was at my girlfriends house for the night, and so it was up to my mom and my other uncle, who is blind to pull up a naked old man covered in piss in the middle of the night. I think my blind uncle was the best off.

So Thanksgiving morning comes along, and we are getting ready to start cooking. It is 8am, and we hear a large crash from the living room we go out there, and he is lying on the two steps that lead into our living room. He is bleeding like a stuck pig.

You know how old people skin looks ready to fall off? Well his kinda did. He was bleeding all over the carpet, a chair, there was even blood on the wall.

I had to run out to Rite-Aid and purchase enough bandages and gauze and medical tape to supply a MASH unit. The clerk looked at me strangely, probably thinking that the family feud started early that Thanksgiving.

We managed to patch Denny up, and my mom had to spend a good part of the morning cleaning blood up off the carpet. She started drinking at 9am that morning. I had never seen her drink that early before or ever since.

The rest of the day ended up going well, but we had to send Denny back to New Hampshire a couple weeks early.

Many people ask have asked me how he even got on the plane to LA. That is the amazing part. He flew Southwest from New Hampshire and had to change planes 3 times. I am amazed he didn't end up on a plane to Timbuktu.
 
2012-11-15 01:56:28 PM

vernonFL: My stepmom put the turkey in the oven and forgot to take the plastic bag of giblets and neck out first.


Change it to mother-in-law and you have my worst Thanksgiving. Luckily, stepfather-in-law makes 2 huge trays of baked ziti, so we at least had some food.--until someone started a food fight. No one's sure who started it but there was suddenly ziti, mashed potatoes, creamed spinach, and cranberry sauce flying through the air. I took the car keys, told my husband to enjoy his family, and heated up leftovers at home.

We don't do Thanksgiving at his family's anymore. And when they come over to my house, they're on their best behavior because they know I'll toss them out in a heartbeat.

/Except his mother. She's makes Gracie Allen look like a Mensa candidate but she's just as adorable.
//Not her fault that she only managed to raise one good kid.
 
2012-11-15 01:58:11 PM
I went to eat at a friend's house. We were home from college. He had a sister that liked me, but she was a farking hippo. That year, she had lost a bunch of weight. This other chick with this big nose was there, but other than that she was hot. Anyway, the former fatty was messing around in the kitchen, saying she was going to make me some mac n cheese, and instead she threw a knife up in the air and when it landed it cut off part of my toe.
 
2012-11-15 02:01:24 PM
No, but I have the makings of one. Going to one next week, Obama won, family are pants-on-head tea partiers who believe everything that Glenn Beck says. They blame us for everything. Oh and family drama too.
 
2012-11-15 02:06:05 PM

Makh: No, but I have the makings of one. Going to one next week, Obama won, family are pants-on-head tea partiers who believe everything that Glenn Beck says. They blame us for everything. Oh and family drama too.


I'm planning on bringing my Cheers Champ Joe Biden beer cozy to mine.
 
2012-11-15 02:13:43 PM

Makh: No, but I have the makings of one. Going to one next week, Obama won, family are pants-on-head tea partiers who believe everything that Glenn Beck says. They blame us for everything. Oh and family drama too.


Make sure you wear an Obama/Biden 2012 t-shirt.
 
2012-11-15 02:25:27 PM
They've all been depressingly horrible... my family thoroughly sucks donkey-balls.

Until last year when I decided to have my own with friends at my house. Now I can't wait to go shopping this weekend! Good lord the alcohol alone that everyone's bringing, it'll be a farking blast!
 
2012-11-15 02:36:09 PM
This one will be a sad and bad one for me. I can't drive the five hours out to my mothers on Long Island where my family will be having it because my sick dog (rescued two months ago) can't travel. Instead I'm cooking for my mother in-law.
 
2012-11-15 02:40:50 PM
The time my brother-in-law with a bug up his ass and basically made everyone miserable. He was rude, mean, basically an asshole. My mom threw him out and he was uninvited to family meals unless he could behave himself. It was a catalyst for my sister kicking him out a month later. It sorta worked...he shaped up at home and If he's in a bad mood during the holiday meals, he stays home (or my sister leaves him home). Win-Win
 
2012-11-15 03:08:50 PM
It's a toss up between the time Grandma caught the oven on fire, the year I had to work and was a thousand miles from family, or last year.

We bought a house last year, and did the traditional we-bought-a-house-everyone-from-both-families-come-here deal. We ended up with 20 people over here in between my family, my husband's family, and #2's family (our roommate). This included four kids, two of whom are autistic and one who is currently being tested for autism. #2's son is one of those, the other two are mine. Well, so here comes everyone's family, so to deal with the stress #2 took a short car ride in which he smoked approximately a quarter ounce of weed, judging by the smell thatoverpowered me as soon as he walked tthrough the door. I had to make him go shower. Two people showed up with trays of deviled eggs, so I shouldn't have bothered. The smell of that soon overpowered everything else. The father in law brought turkey. I don't eat his cooking, having seen his unsanitary cooking methods (leave chicken necks out on the porch and then makes broth after they've sat there for a day or so, one time he gave me the worst food poisoning I have ever had) so no turkey for me. #2 made mak sho and scorched it. The taste of burned cream infected everything on my plate. None of the kids would touch a goddamn bite of dinner. We had enough dishes, thanks to Ashton Kutcher's Plates™ (stolen from a restaurant he backed that went out of business), but it was a week before they all got washed. I got relegated to the playroom to eat with the kids, because there was literally no other chair left in the house. Then we found out that #2's kids would be there for five days...
 
2012-11-15 03:19:21 PM
5 years ago my Mother was in hospital right before Thanksgiving. The last time I talked to her she said she was fine and we made plans for Thanksgiving dinner. She died the next day.

/ncss
 
2012-11-15 04:05:58 PM
I dropped acid in 1991 on Thanksgiving day. I had a boring day of preparing the Turkey and thought it would be a convenient time to do this before the guests came over. (I often take LSD for relaxation and sport.) Well anyways I dropped at Noon was busy painting the ceiling with mash potatoes when there was a knock on my door. It seemed that my next door neighbor had an emergency and she asked if I could watch her baby for a few hours. I'm very congenial with helping out neighbors so I agreed.
...
So anyways the baby needed to be out of the oven by four but the popper hadn't popped yet. My neighbor's cousins came back for the turkey which I had dressed up in swaddling clothes. They seemed confused but I spiked their drinks which they agreed to have with me. When mother called them to ask about the baby, they just told her that the baby was done.

When my family came back they were a little confused why we had baby back ribs for Thanksgiving but they found reasons to excuse themselves as they always do.
 
2012-11-15 04:13:15 PM
The worst was definitely last year. I was making some butternut squash thing that required that I slice it really thin, so I was using a mandolin. It was my first time using one, and I was having difficulty with the hand guard, so I just didn't use it. That was a grave mistake. Took a few millimeter deep chunk out of the middle finger of my right hand that bled like shiat for a few hours and only fully healed about a month later.

Thank God I had other people there to help with the cooking after that point (that was at ~ 2; dinner was at ~6)
 
2012-11-15 04:28:12 PM

Because People in power are Stupid: I dropped acid in 1991 on Thanksgiving day. I had a boring day of preparing the Turkey and thought it would be a convenient time to do this before the guests came over. (I often take LSD for relaxation and sport.) Well anyways I dropped at Noon was busy painting the ceiling with mash potatoes when there was a knock on my door. It seemed that my next door neighbor had an emergency and she asked if I could watch her baby for a few hours. I'm very congenial with helping out neighbors so I agreed.
...
So anyways the baby needed to be out of the oven by four but the popper hadn't popped yet. My neighbor's cousins came back for the turkey which I had dressed up in swaddling clothes. They seemed confused but I spiked their drinks which they agreed to have with me. When mother called them to ask about the baby, they just told her that the baby was done.

When my family came back they were a little confused why we had baby back ribs for Thanksgiving but they found reasons to excuse themselves as they always do.


That was hilarious.
 
2012-11-15 04:29:55 PM
Thanksgiving, 1983. I was in the Army, @ Ft. Belvoir, VA, in a very cushy job as a lifeguard at the indoor pool. (Well, cushy except for the fact I had to work on Thanksgiving day). Pool was open, so I got to deal with officers' bratty kids breaking every safety rule, then pulling the 'my daddy's a general' card if I even looked at them cross-eyed.

The army recognizes that a lot of people are on their own and far from home, so they tend to make a big deal out of Thanksgiving dinner, so they had a great feast going on at the mess hall....downside was you had to put on your Class A dress uniform to eat there. My shift break at the pool was from 11-12.......BEFORE they started serving Thanksgiving dinner.

So, after having changed into a dress uniform, I had to get changed back to lifeguard gear, and back to blowing a whistle (no running on the deck, get off the lane rope, one bounce on the diving board, etc.). Shift went to 4PM. Sprinted back to the barracks, got my uniform back on, ran to the mess hall.....just as they were locking the doors. Thanksgiving is over, food's gone, have a nice day.

No car, nobody in the barracks, nothing on the base was open for food of any kind. (I didn't even have change for the vending machines downstairs). I ended up walking 3 miles out and across Route #1 to the only open option - a ratty 7-11 next to the biker bar. I ended up getting what food I could carry back (3 miles, mind you) to the barracks....so my solo Thanksgiving dinner consisted of a microwave burrito, chips and a 2-liter bottle of Coke.

images.wikia.com

Man, that day was depressing.
 
2012-11-15 04:35:26 PM
My wife's sister has a plethora of out of control children. The last couple Thanksgivings have involved them wrecking the in laws house while the mom runs after them screaming. Luckily this year they won't be there and to get some me time, I've bought tickets to a football game on Saturday to get away for a bit (Vols vs. Kentucky).
 
2012-11-15 04:36:53 PM
Oddly enough, the best Thanksgiving I ever had was the one immediately after my ex-wife left me. Figuring turkey was too much for me to eat alone, and not wanting to deal with the mountain of pity invitations I was receiving from friends, I decided to go it alone, and called on my inner chef.

caviar on soda crackers
bone-in ribeye with a red wine sauce
twin lobster tails
twice-baked potatoes stuffed with bacon and smoked cheddar cheese
fresh green beans
mashed turnips with bacon
home made apple/blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream

I called my godmother, my sister and brother to wish them a happy holiday, and then unplugged the phone. It was bliss.
 
2012-11-15 04:42:56 PM

YixilTesiphon: That was hilarious.


How do you pronounce Mxyzptlk backwards?
 
2012-11-15 04:47:56 PM

tasinda: Okay, this was my very first Thanksgiving and my first turkey, I think I was around...24? About 10 family members attending, most from my husband's side of the family. Everything was going well until I grabbed the rack to pull out the turkey and didn't have the oven mitt completely around my right middle finger; just sizzled the flesh. OMG it hurt so bad! Ran cold water over it at the sink, hurt like a !@#!@!.

Had to finish cooking everything, of course, with that finger just killing me. Ended up sitting at dinner with my finger stuck in a glass of water. Slept that way too!

Then my husband's cousin, who was...17? 19? Clearly came to the event stoned out of her tiny mind, which was fine, except while the turkey was resting she stood next to it in the kitchen while my husband and I ran around setting the table. When we went to grab the bird for carving, she had *stripped all the skin off the turkey and eaten it*. Disbelievingly, I kept saying, "Why did you do that? HOW could you eat all the skin? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" While this naked, bald turkey sat there glistening obscenely in its nekkidness.

She just laughed, in that totally stoned way people do when they are uber stoned laugh, and licked her fingers.

I could have cheerfully wrung her neck.


my worst Thanksgiving was when I was around 17 or maybe 19. I had had a bit of smoke since that usually makes dealing with your family a little easier to handle. My Cousin was cooking the turkey, I think it was her first because like a total clutz she burned herself halfway though. Then she made a huge deal about it which made the food take even longer to get prepared. Then she sets the turkey right in front of me. I was starving and the munchies had kicked in by that part so I helped myself to the skin. I thought I was helping keep my family healthy by eating the fat off. Anyway my cousin flipped out about it and then sat brooding for the entire dinner with her finger in a glass of water. I'm pretty sure she still holds a grudge against me for it even today.
 
2012-11-15 04:53:15 PM
When my wife and I were dating, I took her to my grandparents' house for our first Thanksgiving together. We were assigned the task of deep-frying shrimp (they don't do traditional food). Unfortunately she is sick at the smell of seafood. So it gave her a rather negative view of my family.
 
2012-11-15 04:55:54 PM

kokomo61: ....so my solo Thanksgiving dinner consisted of a microwave burrito, chips and a 2-liter bottle of Coke.


Awwwww. I want to feed you right now for your horrible thanksgiving in 1983. :(

/when I was 4
 
2012-11-15 04:57:30 PM
I think this one should go to the Main page....
 
2012-11-15 04:59:56 PM

Schmee: Oddly enough, the best Thanksgiving I ever had was the one immediately after my ex-wife left me. Figuring turkey was too much for me to eat alone, and not wanting to deal with the mountain of pity invitations I was receiving from friends, I decided to go it alone, and called on my inner chef.

caviar on soda crackers
bone-in ribeye with a red wine sauce
twin lobster tails
twice-baked potatoes stuffed with bacon and smoked cheddar cheese
fresh green beans
mashed turnips with bacon
home made apple/blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream

I called my godmother, my sister and brother to wish them a happy holiday, and then unplugged the phone. It was bliss.



You are my newest hero. Alone time can be incredible relaxing.
 
2012-11-15 05:00:15 PM

coco ebert: In a strange reversal, my family and I tend to get along better at holidays.


I have to ask: Is this a food-coincides-with-country-of-ethnic-origin cosmic juxtaposition thing?
 
2012-11-15 05:06:13 PM
I know this probably isn't very American of me, but I don't really have any bad Thanksgiving stories.

I love to cook and the fam loves to eat. Win win.

I guess my only sad Thanksgiving memory is when I found out that MST3K had stopped doing their Turkey Day Marathons.

/still brings a tear to my eye =*[

I SERIOUSLY hope the weekly food thread is Thanksgiving themed though!!
 
2012-11-15 05:08:48 PM
Copy & pasted from my old Iraq diary:

"Today was Thanksgiving (obviously), and there was a special Thanksgiving dinner planned at the FOB. However, my platoon was scheduled for an evening mission and would be out in our patrol sector during dinner, so that kind of sucks.

We did get good some news. A nearby Combat Outpost (basically a fortified house in the middle of sector) had set up a field kitchen known as an MKT (Mobile Kitchen Tent) and would provide a hot meal, and we would be able to rotate through. Nice. Even nicer, the media was there with a live satellite feed filming and we would be allowed to say hi to people back home. Granted, it was Fox News, but at least the reporter was kind of cute.

So we finally roll into the Combat Outpost (which normally is guarded by a small number of infantry dudes from Charlie Company, and a few Scouts from Bravo Troop. Strangely, it is completely overrun with soldiers, none of whom we recognized. This is strange, as the COP belongs exclusively to our Recon battalion. What the hell?

Stranger and stranger, they appear to have a large number of female soldiers, or pasty-faced tubs of lard with suspiciously clean body armor, with bizarrely rigged gear, and bare-bones 1980s era M16A2 rifles instead of M4 carbines, with no scopes or custom grips.

Considering I've never seen anyone at the COP who wasn't a Scout, Infantry, or an artillery FISTer, we were baffled.

Turns out the word about the news media reached POGueville, and they raced out there (after already having eaten the full meal at the major Forward Operating Base) devoured everything in sight, and began telling phony war stories for the cameras, about having to drive down "IED Alley" just to get here. Wow, your first time? It's part of our daily commute, Rambo.

So by the time we got there, they were completely out of turkey (except for the handful we were able to scrounge up for our Iraqi interpreters, who couldn't eat the ham) and pumpkin pie.

Thanks a lot, jackasses."
 
2012-11-15 05:20:56 PM

Marcus Aurelius: We were sitting down to dinner when I managed to knock over the gravy boat and spill it all on the floor before anyone had gotten so much as a drop.

Always serve your gravy in two boats, in case one of them sinks.


They don't call you Marcus Aerilius for nothing ;)
 
2012-11-15 05:28:17 PM

Teknowaffle: Uncle Denny was really the black sheep uncle. Not the alcoholic uncle that leers at your sister once she starts to fill in, or the uncle that goes away for years on end showing up at your door needing cash.

He was a priest, and was taken care of through his whole life. He never needed to really think or work for himself, so he was clumsy and absent minded. He once took the train from LA to Seattle and decided while the train was stopped to go get some peanuts. Rather than go to the dining car, he got off the train and walked across the concourse and go to the store, and stop into the bathroom. He bought his peanuts and saw the train rolling away, so he had to take a taxi 90 miles to the next stop to re-board. Once he left the priesthood, he decided to be independent but it never really worked.

When he was 83 he decided to invite himself out to California for 3 weeks and stay with us for Thanksgiving. Now he was really on the skids, his parkinson's was kicking in, and he was losing his cognitive function.

When my mom picked him up at the airport she found him standing there with a small carry on bag. She started to walk towards the baggage claim, he said "no need, I have everything here" pointing to his small bag.

It turns out that he had only brought what he was wearing, and a change of underwear and socks, as well as his bible, so my mom had to go out and purchase a weeks worth of clothes for him.

He also refused to use pajamas. And he got to take my bed. I made my mom go out and buy all new sheets and a comforter. One night he went to use the toilet, and somehow wound up falling into the bathtub and he couldn't get up. I was at my girlfriends house for the night, and so it was up to my mom and my other uncle, who is blind to pull up a naked old man covered in piss in the middle of the night. I think my blind uncle was the best off.

So Thanksgiving morning comes along, and we are getting ready to start cooking. It is 8am, and we hear a large crash from the li ...


You need to turn this into a screenplay.
 
2012-11-15 05:54:31 PM

Bashar and Asma's Infinite Playlist: Makh: No, but I have the makings of one. Going to one next week, Obama won, family are pants-on-head tea partiers who believe everything that Glenn Beck says. They blame us for everything. Oh and family drama too.

I'm planning on bringing my Cheers Champ Joe Biden beer cozy to mine.


Marcus Aurelius: Make sure you wear an Obama/Biden 2012 t-shirt.


This sounds like a prime opportunity to solicit donations to buy Joe Biden a Trans Am to me...
 
2012-11-15 06:42:20 PM
My dad was in the hospital as he healed up from a tumor being removed from his nether regions.

And then it turned into the best Thanksgiving ever when the doctor made a special trip back to the hospital to tell us in person that they got all of the badness and he was a-OK 100% good to go.

It was a rollercoaster of a day.
 
2012-11-15 07:29:26 PM
When I was 14, my brother was home for college for Thanksgiving. He and my dad did Man Work and went to the back yard to chainsaw a tree that had fallen to get some firewood. Afterwords, they celebrated their manliness with a couple of beers.

Stepmom found out she didn't have a turkey baster, so my brother and I were asked to go to K-mart and get one. He, impaired and underaged, asked me to drive once we got out the door even though I had never driven a car and didn't have a learner's permit, let alone a license. We drove his POS to the K-mart, but I had no idea about how slow one had to go to turn right...

So I turned right and hopped the curb and cracked the front axle in half. I flipped out, my brother flipped out, we drifted to a stop (fortunately) in a parallel parking spot. Brother told me to get in the passenger seat (and said that if anybody asked, he was driving) while he walked to the gas station to call my dad and a tow truck (this was pre-cell phones). While he's gone a cop pulls up and asks what happened, and I told her my brother took the turn too fast. Cop went to the gas station and picked up my brother, then brought him back to the car. She told him that he was in a world of shiat; he had expired tags, a crack in his windshield that constituted obstruction of vision, and she was pretty sure he had been drinking to miss a turn like that, though he did pass a breathalyzer.

Then she said "Happy Thanksgiving, go home."

Dad picked us up, furious, but mainly mad at the situation. Tow truck tore up the fender while trying to get the car onto the bed. We got a turkey baster.

$800 to fix the axle.

That was an expensive turkey baster.
 
2012-11-15 09:07:14 PM
this guy Tom worked for me in a parts warehouse for many years before he moved to FLA. ten years later (or so) he pops up again, we're all buddy-buddy. Note: Tom had burned out on painkillers long before I met him, and worked everyone he knew to help feed his habit.

Tom was treated quite well when he came around. He had no real family of his own, he was an orphan. As far as Thanksgiving went, Tom (a really fat food enthusiast) would begin talking of T'Day some 2-3 months before the holiday, year after year. It got on my nerves but what are you going to do?

Tom was a guest at my house for 3-4 years in a row, and a few times he brought along several guest of his own. Everyone was most welcome. Well, the last time Tom was coming over for Thanksgiving he came up with a brain storm: Tom and I would fix the entire meal, Mrs.Kritter could just sit back and enjoy. Just so you're aware, the Mrs. fixes the 2 show-off meals of the year (Thanksgiving and Christmas), if she's here and not out with friends. 2 meals a year, no more. And since she is a Lone Ranger alpha personality she cannot dictate simple tasks to others who are willing to help. Instead she loudly wails and moans about her labors. God i hate her so.

So the big day arrives, I'm up early to put big bird in. The day goes by, no Tom. No telephone call, no nothing. Tom chose thanksgiving to blow me off and go to his girlfriends house but not tell me he changed his plans. Meanwhile I hurt my back and was really in pain trying to manage making supper.

And what did Mrs.Kritter do the whole time? Bust my balls about Tommy not showing up. Never once offered to help, didn't lift a finger, didn't give a damn. Made shiatty remarks to me all day long. That was the day I finally woke up to the fact that Tommy, like most people that had pretended to be a friend, was nothing more than a user. He always wanted money or a ride or a sandwich or something. And when he was supposed to help me with something he'd forget to show up. And that was the day I told Tommy to never come around my house again. Knew him 13 years. dooshbag.

Fark Mrs.Kritter too. For many years she's pretended she is single, spends most holidays with her friends. Coont. I'll never spend another holiday with her either. Saving my pennies so some day i can divorce the biatch. It costs a lot to acquire new living quarters etcetera. she goes out of her way to make my life miserable while making sure i have no access to money. she is truly sick. i am trying to find a lawyer who will help me pro bono as I am disabled. it's obvious to me she finds great pleasure in making me miserable. what was once nice turned into a loveless sexless sham of a marriage with a wife that spends every disposable cent on her personal pleasures while living within ones means and having savings is ignored.

That's my Happy Thanksgiving Day story.
 
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