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(Yahoo)   Since it has exceeded the 25,000 signature threshold, the White House by its own rules, may have to formally respond to the TX secession petition on WhiteHouse.gov. Aides say possible responses include "aww hell Naw" and "No. Fark You"   (news.yahoo.com) divider line 413
    More: Followup, naw, White House, Texas Secession, Grandma's, original idea, petitions, federal courts, enumerated powers  
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10702 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Nov 2012 at 12:03 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-11-13 12:44:23 PM  

Epoch_Zero: We've heard this since Dec 29th, 1845.


You where there?!
 
2012-11-13 12:44:29 PM  

Matt Foley: The national cuisine would be awesome. Chili Poutine with a maple glazed 20 oz. ribeye.


Me, strangest boner, etc.
 
2012-11-13 12:44:55 PM  

jst3p:


Came for this. Thanks.
 
2012-11-13 12:45:00 PM  

M11618: Oznog: wildcardjack: "All you have to do is pay off your share of the national debt and we'll let you go"

Ah yes and all the federally owned land- which is a lot of the state- of course still belongs to the USA. That includes the offshore oil leases.

I'm in no way for Texas secession but what you said is patently false. Texas is mostly privately owned, the fed owns very little. Big bend, some military bases, etc. secondly, if Texas did secede then obviously the offshore oil in Texas waters would belong to Texas. You can't own territorial waters without owning the land they correspond with. Canada cant own San Francisco Bay for example.


If Canada can lay claim to San Fran Bay and back it up, then...they do own it, don't they?

If, hypothetically speaking, Texas did go their own way and the remaining U.S. said "Those are our derricks and platforms." and moves in forces to take them by force if need be... What exactly is Texas going to do? Sue them?
 
2012-11-13 12:45:27 PM  
Obama should go up to the podium, say "The issue of secession was settled in the Appomattox Courthouse on April 9th, 1865" and then walk away.
 
2012-11-13 12:45:43 PM  
verbaltoxin Smartest
Funniest
2012-11-13 12:41:20 PM


doubled99: " I despise and mock these farkin people and all they stand for, but I INSIST they remain part of our collective"

Well yes, they deserve to be mocked. That doesn't mean they can't stay and continue to be mocked! Texas will sit here and listen to the hilarious things I have to say about them!




I accept that
 
2012-11-13 12:45:50 PM  
s11.postimage.org

"I Am Disinclined To Acquiesce Your Request."
 
2012-11-13 12:46:07 PM  
When Virginia joined the Union it was with the written understanding that they were free to secede.

That said, all of this is racism pure and simple. Obama is just a shade to the right of Andrew Jackson.
 
2012-11-13 12:47:09 PM  
'left' typo need sleep
 
2012-11-13 12:47:18 PM  

phritz: Let's give them a trial period, say, by immediately removing all federal security at the border for a week. Let's see how that goes for them.


Don't remove the security. Just relocate it to the northern border. Call it a trial period.
 
2012-11-13 12:47:35 PM  
And it seems the official response is coming in now...

volcanolady1.files.wordpress.com

"Prepare to die!"

/I must have posted pictures of Sherman in ten related threads by now, this is ridiculous
 
2012-11-13 12:47:40 PM  

More_Like_A_Stain: mark12A: Of course, when the Mexicans take over California, and start agitating for secession, Farkistan will cheer them on as they correct an historic wrong, i.e., Mexico's loss of California to the US....

/politically correct disintegration of USA is the best kind of disintegration

So let me get this straight. Mexicans will endure the hardship and risk of illegally crossing the border presumably in order to build a better life for themselves than they could have in Mexico. And then they will decide that the best way to create that life is to live in Mexico?


What makes you think they'd join Mexico? Why not their own country?
 
2012-11-13 12:48:03 PM  
Im sure a good chunk of those signatures are from liberals wanting to kick them out
 
2012-11-13 12:49:07 PM  

Perducci: FirstNationalBastard: Give Texas back to Mexico, wait a couple weeks, watch as they beg to return.

Problem solved.

Or let them try to survive independently. Maybe they can join with Quebec and become some sort of new superpower.


Sure, nothing Texans like better than people who won't speak English, and think they're better than you. They'll get along famously.
 
2012-11-13 12:49:11 PM  
1) Teenage pregnancy rates are off the charts in TX
2) Obama made contraception that much easier to procure.
3) Enjoy your black plague, TX. Feel free to put a wall up so your 400 million residents in 2040 can die off in peace.
 
2012-11-13 12:49:14 PM  
if WH has the power to do that (my guess is, this would require a constitutional amendment), it should say, Please Proceed.

But for me to like it even better, it should say, take Arizona with you on your way out. and that knob thing.
 
2012-11-13 12:49:40 PM  

Infernalist: As said before, go ahead and pull out all national forces, claim as much federal property as possible, drone-strike the bridges and highways at the borders and give Mexico the go-ahead to reclaim Tejas.


I'm not sure which way I'd bet if it came down to a fight between Los Zetas and the TNG.

Actually we should let them secede AS a State, but then invoke the Monroe Doctrine, and inform them that we are claiming them as a US protectorate with a status somewhat similar to Puerto Rico's
 
2012-11-13 12:51:16 PM  

Britney Spear's Speculum: Im sure a good chunk of those signatures are from liberals wanting to kick them out


WHAR PETITION WHAR?

//will sign WeedHitler BonerLord (to mix things up a bit)
 
2012-11-13 12:51:26 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: Give Texas back to Mexico, wait a couple weeks, watch as they beg to return.

Problem solved.


SO. MUCH. THIS.

/This is why I fav'd FNB - Magnificent Bastard!
 
2012-11-13 12:51:31 PM  

StreetlightInTheGhetto: I think he should just walk into the press room, go behind the podium, pick up the mic, recite Bill Pullman's speech from Independence Day, drop it, and leave. But that's just me.


Podium

Lectern

/TMMK!
 
2012-11-13 12:52:26 PM  
I want to start a parallel "Kick Texas out of the Union" petition.
 
2012-11-13 12:53:39 PM  

Magorn: Infernalist: As said before, go ahead and pull out all national forces, claim as much federal property as possible, drone-strike the bridges and highways at the borders and give Mexico the go-ahead to reclaim Tejas.

I'm not sure which way I'd bet if it came down to a fight between Los Zetas and the TNG.

Actually we should let them secede AS a State, but then invoke the Monroe Doctrine, and inform them that we are claiming them as a US protectorate with a status somewhat similar to Puerto Rico's


Only after they've had a few hard months outside the graces of American protection. Whether it's drug cartels carving up the place, or the Mexican army setting up shop, it doesn't matter.
These farkwits think that they can just waltz out there and form their own nation and the rest of the world is going to not only 'not hurt' them, but actually 'help them'.
 
2012-11-13 12:54:51 PM  
How I wish Obama would respond. Unaltered (save for the date and the place the petition was placed).

Dear Sir.

I have just read yours of the 10th. addressed to myself through the White House website. If there be in it any statements, or assumptions of fact, which I may know to be erroneous, I do not, now and here, controvert them. If there be in it any inferences which I may believe to be falsely drawn, I do not now and here, argue against them. If there be perceptable in it an impatient and dictatorial tone, I waive it in deference to an old friend, whose heart I have always supposed to be right.

As to the policy I "seem to be pursuing" as you say, I have not meant to leave any one in doubt.

I would save the Union. I would save it the shortest way under the Constitution. The sooner the national authority can be restored; the nearer the Union will be "the Union as it was." If there be those who would not save the Union, unless they could at the same time save slavery, I do not agree with them. If there be those who would not save the Union unless they could at the same time destroy slavery, I do not agree with them. My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or to destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union. I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause, and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors; and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views.

I have here stated my purpose according to my view of official duty; and I intend no modification of my oft-expressed personal wish that all men everywhere could be free.
 
2012-11-13 12:55:35 PM  

BgJonson79: More_Like_A_Stain: mark12A: Of course, when the Mexicans take over California, and start agitating for secession, Farkistan will cheer them on as they correct an historic wrong, i.e., Mexico's loss of California to the US....

/politically correct disintegration of USA is the best kind of disintegration

So let me get this straight. Mexicans will endure the hardship and risk of illegally crossing the border presumably in order to build a better life for themselves than they could have in Mexico. And then they will decide that the best way to create that life is to live in Mexico?

What makes you think they'd join Mexico? Why not their own country?


Because they're not stupid enough to think that they can wrestle an economy the size of California from the US without somebodies help. And even if they did, Mexico could not let a prize like that sit on her border for very long without either the government or the drug cartels swallowing it up. And the US would not likely be eager to defend them.
 
2012-11-13 12:55:41 PM  
Just let them go. Pack them a lunch, give them a nickel for milk and send them on their way to be some other adult's problem. The loss of Texas will not be a loss. We can send Florida and Arizona with them to keep them company.
 
2012-11-13 12:56:28 PM  

CygnusDarius: FirstNationalBastard: CPennypacker: Obama comes to the Podium:

"As you all know, in order to foster an open dialogue with the American people, my administration has set in place a rule that mandates a response to any and all petitions that are able to gather in excess of 25,000 signatures. This week such a petition has been brought to my desk requesting the secession of the great state of Texas from the Union. As we are required to address the petition based on our own, self-imposed rules, I have prepared a response."

*clears throat*

"No"

Walks off stage

Can he, at least, walk out on stage surrounded by a rainbow coalition of hot broads in bikinis, wearing a fur coat and pimp hat, and with Biden in tow wearing his Kiss Crazy Crazy Nights '87 Tour T-Shirt, leather pants, and rocking a mullet?

You forgot Biden's bird.


Jill Biden can also wear bikini if she want too.
 
2012-11-13 01:00:25 PM  

phritz: Also we should carpet bomb Dallas. Just in general, I mean, whether they secede or not.


Actually, if you could nail the freeways on the south side of downtown, where I-35E, I-30, US75 and I-45 get all jumbled because it was hip to run major freeways next to downtowns in the 1950's, we could finally get those redone in a fashion that works. Maybe get things so the through traffic goes down Loop12 to I-20 back to I-35E instead of through the downtown.

If you hit Frisco while you're at it we could use some help with our infestation of Californians.

But if you hit Lakewood or Oak Cliff we'd lose the old neighborhoods and have nothing but McMansions rebuilt in their place.
 
2012-11-13 01:00:38 PM  

doubled99: So love it or leave it, huh? They want to leave it. LET THEM


They can leave. The land is American, it stays; or else. It's a free country, not free land. They want to go, border is that'away, don't come back.
 
2012-11-13 01:00:49 PM  
I can't decide what is funnier - the expected angry-white-boy secessionist response to Obama's re-election from a handball of nutball Freeper types or the totally predictable "let them go and see how they like it!!!" overreaction from the pouting Fark chorus of manchildren.

/carpetbagger living in Texas; love it and the crazy people here
 
2012-11-13 01:00:55 PM  

JackieRabbit: Just let them go. Pack them a lunch, give them a nickel for milk and send them on their way to be some other adult's problem. The loss of Texas will not be a loss. We can send Florida and Arizona with them to keep them company.


I disagree... The natural resources, land and everything built in those states is part of the Union.

If these morons are so pissed off about the black guy winning re-election, then they can take their sorry asses to another country more in line with their views.

Sure, they can try to secede by force of arms, but that didn't work out so well for them the last time they tried it.
 
2012-11-13 01:00:56 PM  
25,000 signatures? Big deal. Over 400,000 have signed a petition asking Macy's to severe its ties with Donald Trump. Call back when you can beat that.
 
2012-11-13 01:01:35 PM  
Texas is pretty much already gone anyway. Can't find a radio station that speaks english south of San Antonio now.
 
2012-11-13 01:02:02 PM  
Why on earth is there a petition to secede in the first place? Shouldn't they be doing some kind of armed revolution instead? Why would the president look at 25k signatures and say "Oh yes, these people should decide what 25 million people in the state want!" And then allow the secession to take place?

Just showing how stupid they are. Again.
 
2012-11-13 01:02:11 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: CPennypacker: Obama comes to the Podium:

"As you all know, in order to foster an open dialogue with the American people, my administration has set in place a rule that mandates a response to any and all petitions that are able to gather in excess of 25,000 signatures. This week such a petition has been brought to my desk requesting the secession of the great state of Texas from the Union. As we are required to address the petition based on our own, self-imposed rules, I have prepared a response."

*clears throat*

"No"

Walks off stage

Can he, at least, walk out on stage surrounded by a rainbow coalition of hot broads in bikinis, wearing a fur coat and pimp hat, and with Biden in tow wearing his Kiss Crazy Crazy Nights '87 Tour T-Shirt, leather pants, and rocking a mullet?


Bonus: They come to the stage in Biden's Trans-Am.
 
2012-11-13 01:03:50 PM  
Anyone else really excited at the prospect of Joe Biden: Road Warrior?
 
2012-11-13 01:04:58 PM  
As long as we get to keep Austin*, I'm OK with this.

*Texas can keep everything north of W Anderson and south of Ben White. I like my Austin pre-Dell.
 
2012-11-13 01:06:53 PM  
I hate that the people in my state are so stupid. This is why the US shouldn't allow the Texas board of education determine the curriculum for the entire country. It seems I was the only one taught that Texas joined the union because it was bankrupt. It begged to be a state. Damn butt hurt conservatives.
 
2012-11-13 01:07:07 PM  
Deport the traitors.
 
2012-11-13 01:07:09 PM  

maxheck: I didn't get what I wanted.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Sane Texans, I'm sorry you have to live with these chucklefarks.


Your sympathy is appreciated.
 
2012-11-13 01:08:23 PM  
Again, sent last night from my boss:

Texas succeeding the Union is exactly the wake up call the rest of this country needs! And Texas is the only state that has the balls (and therefore the obligation) to do it! Consider this: the popular vote ratio of Texas voters in this last election was approximately 60% Republican vs 40% democrat. The California vote was almost exactly the reciprocal of that. Now, consider the fact that Texas has created the most jobs in the last four years of any other state in the Union and has had a balanced state budget with no state income tax during that time, versus California (the poster child state for liberals), which has had one of the worst job records, highest percentage of population in the country on entitlement programs, one of the highest state income tax rates, and a bankrupt state budget, and the choice is clear. I mean how do you argue with that without sounding like you're totally out of touch with reality? It just disturbs and enrages me that so many "Americans" don't see this obvious and simple truth. Texas succeeding the Union? HELL YES!!! WHERE DO WE SIGN UP???
 
2012-11-13 01:08:30 PM  
Tickle Mittens Smartest
Funniest
2012-11-13 01:00:38 PM


doubled99: So love it or leave it, huh? They want to leave it. LET THEM

They can leave. The land is American, it stays; or else. It's a free country, not free land. They want to go, border is that'away, don't come back.




Don't be so self-righteous. We stole the land.
 
2012-11-13 01:09:11 PM  

TV's Vinnie: 25,000 rock-stupid Texans.

And THIS is why you didn't get a Space Shuttle, Texas.

IMO, the Smithsonian ought to ask for their Saturn V back.

And move the JSC to Florida as well.

/F*CK TEXAS!
//Don't want to hear any crap about parts of Texas being Progressive either. If you saw a pair of pants with crap all over it except for one back pocket that's clean, you wouldn't put them on because it's still a pair of pants covered in sh*t.


You know what I learned this month? There are over 58 million rock-stupid Americans.

This is why you inbred hicks don't have a space shuttle anymore.

In my opinion, Russia and China ought to take control of the ISS, and Japan should get to bomb Hawaii again. Just for lulz.

/Fark America!
//I don't want to hear any poutine about parts of America being Progressive, either. If you saw a pair of pants with manure all over the lower half except for the urban pockets, with an annoyingly archaic design that caused your wang to hang out in 2000, leading to eight years of voter-sanctioned death and destruction, you wouldn't put them on.
///Obviously, because America's rural parts are crazy and over-exposed, the entire country has no redeeming values, and because you are some toothless redneck hick, Canada wouldn't take you.
 
2012-11-13 01:09:21 PM  
i1357.photobucket.com 
how was this not posted yet?
 
2012-11-13 01:09:30 PM  
I'm pretty sure on-line petitions aren't valid for a purpose such as this. The signatures need to be verifiable.
 
2012-11-13 01:11:29 PM  

star_topology: Again, sent last night from my boss:

Texas succeeding the Union is exactly the wake up call the rest of this country needs! And Texas is the only state that has the balls (and therefore the obligation) to do it! Consider this: the popular vote ratio of Texas voters in this last election was approximately 60% Republican vs 40% democrat. The California vote was almost exactly the reciprocal of that. Now, consider the fact that Texas has created the most jobs in the last four years of any other state in the Union and has had a balanced state budget with no state income tax during that time, versus California (the poster child state for liberals), which has had one of the worst job records, highest percentage of population in the country on entitlement programs, one of the highest state income tax rates, and a bankrupt state budget, and the choice is clear. I mean how do you argue with that without sounding like you're totally out of touch with reality? It just disturbs and enrages me that so many "Americans" don't see this obvious and simple truth. Texas succeeding the Union? HELL YES!!! WHERE DO WE SIGN UP???


The typos make it even sweeter. I would hate to have a boss who would so willingly shove his own politics down my throat constantly, though.
 
2012-11-13 01:11:30 PM  
"Dear Texas
Door
Ass
Don't let it hit you,..or do, who cares.

You have a sandyvag over an election... good riddance, get the fark out, your sense of self-importance has 0 basis in reality.

1. Repossession:
We now repossess our federal lands/holdings/monies/educational facilities.
Any access to same is now illegal for your population. The US will now take over access ways to our holdings via imminent domain.
- 1a. Military:
All military bases/assets/holdings/equipment will be returned to the US government control, no Texas citizens may serve or operate within US facilities. These holdings and access to same are property of the US government (see sec 1) We do however have a special purchase program if you'd like to buy your own military hardware, unfortunately the current holdings would eat up your GDP for the next 50 years. We will leave some bayonets for you gratis.
- 1b. Nuclear Assets
All nuclear materials/facilities/equipment will be returned to the US government control, no Texas citizens may serve or operate within US facilities. These holdings and access to same are property of the US government (see sec 1). Any attempt to create a nuclear facility or obtain nuclear materials will be seen as an act of aggression against the US government and will be dealt with in accordance.
- 1c. Oil Reserves.
As much of the oil land holdings in the country of Texas are currently owned/partially owned by companies existing in the USA and/or the US government, these holdings will be considered US soil and their control will remain that of US citizens and/or the US government. If you would like to purchase this land an agreement can be reached for a fee and a % of assets in perpetuity.

2. Immigration:
No passports will be issued to Texas due to the hostile nature of this act.
And hindrance of US citizens with access to US assets will be seen as an act of war.

3. Debt
The state of Texas shall continue to pay the US government until their current debt is paid off, the USA will allow Texas to pay this debt off in installments with a 9.8% APR.

4. Assistance:
The US does not consider Texas an enemy per say but will not devote any of it's local military assets to the defense of Texas excepting whereas that defense would be fairly compensated for with land or money, or in which case a threat is posed to the USA in which case no authorization from Texas will be needed to carry out our defense initiatives.

4. Competitive Sports:
You are no longer part of any American sports leagues at the state or national level, nor will you be able to compete in these events. We suggest you specialize in soccer now as no one will ever care about your sports teams ever again. (that realization alone would make the people revolt and kiss Uncle Sam's Dangly bits.)

5. Return:
The state of Texas will have a grace period of 2 years to return to the USA, When you do return there will be "Penalties and restrictive conditions" in measure to being self-important whiney biatches.

-Yours Truly
Barry (glad I never have to see big hats and boots again" Obama

P.S. Have fun with that immigration issue, we'll just call you Mexas from now on."



The Texas financial structure looks good on paper, but I would LOVE to see "go it alone" Texas doesn't paint a picture of a country that can survive on it's own, nor of one that can garner the co-operation of others, they would be North Mexico in under two years.


Never liked the ignorant indignation of the south, and this is just cementing those feelings.
 
2012-11-13 01:12:13 PM  
Hear them out!
 
2012-11-13 01:12:16 PM  

heap: DeltaPunch: Texas can round up all their young, corn-fed boys into a militia, and we send in the US military. Winner gets to keep Texas.

how about a shuffleboard match between Obama and Willie Nelson, and the winner gets to roll the next joint?


I'd rather see shot-for-shot whiskey drink-off between Obama and Gov. Perry. The loser has to pay for the pizza.
 
2012-11-13 01:13:13 PM  

Biness: Obama actually has a big incentive to let them go. The loss of Texas' pretty reliable electoral college votes would pretty much guarantee democrat presidents for the near to mid term future.


Fme, I thought I would be the first person to post this. This really is one of those cases where we actually would be better off without them.
 
2012-11-13 01:13:34 PM  

KarmicDisaster: He should tell the signers to self-deport if they want to. I know someone that did during the last election. It isn't going very well for them in spite of the web sites that they looked at that told them it would be a libertarian paradise.


I would like more details please so I can enjoy their failure.
 
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