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(Some Guy)   Herpetologists announce successful breeding program for Ozark Hellbenders, also known as "snot otters" and "old lasagna sides" and I have no idea what I just wrote   ( divider line
    More: Strange, Ozarks, breeding program, St. Louis Zoo, Canadian Wildlife Service, California Department of Conservation, United States Fish and Wildlife Service, Jeff Briggler  
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10648 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Nov 2012 at 1:57 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-11-05 02:00:30 PM  
12 votes:

"old lasagna sides"

Ah, yes. The failed prototype before Old Ironsides.
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-11-05 12:14:10 PM  
12 votes:
This is one of those rape abortion articles we hear so much about on Fark this election season.

Let me help you with the slang.

Herpetologists study STDs. Hellbender means getting really, really drunk for a long time and regretting it later. Snot otter = penis post-ejaculation. Lasagna sides = labia post-ejaculation. You know what breeding is.

Apparently doctors can prevent the usual sterilizing effect of a serious STD so when you wake up sticky, pregnant, hungover, and infected after a weekend out you have the baby after all.

Your tax dollars at work.
2012-11-05 02:32:06 PM  
7 votes:
2012-11-05 12:16:16 PM  
7 votes:
yes, but what do the derpetologists say?
2012-11-05 12:35:35 PM  
4 votes:
What a herpetologist might look like:
2012-11-05 02:54:13 PM  
3 votes:

grimlock1972: Am the only one when the read the fark headline and saw Ozark Hellbender and pictured and epic Moonshine tasting party?

I pictured a hillbilly outlaw motorcycle gang from Arkansas.

I thought "snot otters" were the guys who rode without helmets and had their boogers running across their faces and "old lasagna sides" were the nicknames they gave to their wimens vajayjays.
2012-11-05 03:25:19 PM  
2 votes:

JackieRabbit: smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[ image 420x236]
[ image 285x218]

They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.

They depend on their slime coating for protection, detergents dissolve the slime. Forbid people taking baths and the problem is solved. People in Arkansas only recently discovered daily bathing.
2012-11-05 02:17:54 PM  
2 votes:
I thought this was an Ozark Hellbender:

/closely related to the Georgia Shirtlifter.
//squeal like a pig, boy!
2012-11-05 02:13:38 PM  
2 votes:

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?

Vote Romney/Ryan 2012!

/Hellbenders are pretty awesome critters, but ugly as hell
2012-11-05 02:06:27 PM  
2 votes:
Will the breeding program be narrated by a bored-sounding Gillian Anderson?
2012-11-05 09:12:46 PM  
1 vote:

It's like a real-world Pokemon. The "God's Terrible Mistakes" subclass.
2012-11-05 04:42:17 PM  
1 vote:
Just as long as they're not breeding shiat weasels. Those things are nasty.
2012-11-05 04:31:29 PM  
1 vote:

Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

Dennis Leary: My fluffy little dog.. He's so cute- There's the problem. We only want to save the cute animals, don't we? Yeah. Why don't we just have animal auditions. Line 'em up one by one and interview them individually.

Dennis: What are you?

Otter: I'm an otter.

Dennis: And what do you do?

Otter: I swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands.

Dennis: You're free to go. And what are you?

Cow: I'm a cow.

Denis: Get in the farking truck, ok pal!

Cow: But I'm an animal.

Dennis: You're a baseball glove! Get on that truck!

Cow: I'm an animal, I have rights!

Dennis: (pointing at leather jacket) Yeah, here's yer farking cousin, get on the farking truck, pal!

Canton: smitty04: Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.

Ack. That would be positive attention, not position attention. Although perhaps positions are involved. I don't want to think about it.

And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving. But I guess a non-deformed white tiger is the charismatic opposite of a hellbender. Sad, really.

White tiger:

Possible white tiger habitat:


//No, I am not serious.
2012-11-05 04:07:46 PM  
1 vote:

First thing I thought of...
2012-11-05 03:22:46 PM  
1 vote:


I live at the very top tippy tip of that mauve region, and the Hellbender is a rarely-ever-seen species native to our area. So I'm getting a kick, etc.

Really, I am thrilled that they made a breakthrough in breeding them, because Hellbenders are pretty awesome and should be a source of regional pride. It's like having a Jersey Devil or a Loch Ness monster, except it's a real thing. I always thought it was dumb dumb derpy dumb that Binghamton University called themselves the "Bearcats," which isn't even real. They should have called themselves the Binghamton Hellbenders, which would have been an incredibly awesome name for an athletic team, even if their namesake looked like a giant dook.
2012-11-05 03:22:19 PM  
1 vote:
I'm from the Ozarks and we have a local bluegrass band called The Hillbenders. Maybe we need a rockin' bunch of Snot Otters?
2012-11-05 02:56:25 PM  
1 vote:
They prefer to be called shiatweasel Americans TYVM.
2012-11-05 02:54:50 PM  
1 vote:
Wait, there is actually a field of science called herpetology? That, + this thread, just made my day.
2012-11-05 02:31:46 PM  
1 vote:

Nappy Imus:
2: Vote for the best candidate this year: Nobody.
2012-11-05 02:19:06 PM  
1 vote:

blatz514: I went on a hellbender this weekend. Oy.

A yelldown warhellbender?
2012-11-05 02:17:28 PM  
1 vote:
I was like 'awww cute,' but then I GIS'd : /

This is pretty cute though:

Judge the mightiest of cultures by the allowances afforded to its ugliest constituents.
2012-11-05 02:11:15 PM  
1 vote:

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?

Goddammitsomuch,I wanted to say that!
2012-11-05 02:04:26 PM  
1 vote:
Hellbillies and hellbenders and herpderptology. All in a day's work in the Ozarks
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