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(Some Guy)   Herpetologists announce successful breeding program for Ozark Hellbenders, also known as "snot otters" and "old lasagna sides" and I have no idea what I just wrote   (missourinet.com) divider line 74
    More: Strange, Ozarks, breeding program, St. Louis Zoo, Canadian Wildlife Service, California Department of Conservation, United States Fish and Wildlife Service, Jeff Briggler  
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10580 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Nov 2012 at 1:57 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-11-05 12:14:10 PM
This is one of those rape abortion articles we hear so much about on Fark this election season.

Let me help you with the slang.

Herpetologists study STDs. Hellbender means getting really, really drunk for a long time and regretting it later. Snot otter = penis post-ejaculation. Lasagna sides = labia post-ejaculation. You know what breeding is.

Apparently doctors can prevent the usual sterilizing effect of a serious STD so when you wake up sticky, pregnant, hungover, and infected after a weekend out you have the baby after all.

Your tax dollars at work.
 
2012-11-05 12:16:16 PM
yes, but what do the derpetologists say?
 
2012-11-05 12:35:35 PM
What a herpetologist might look like:
i1079.photobucket.com
 
Skr
2012-11-05 01:59:18 PM
One step closer to bringing back the lizard king.
 
2012-11-05 02:00:30 PM

"old lasagna sides"


Ah, yes. The failed prototype before Old Ironsides.
 
2012-11-05 02:04:26 PM
Hellbillies and hellbenders and herpderptology. All in a day's work in the Ozarks
 
2012-11-05 02:05:15 PM

Englebert Slaptyback: "old lasagna sides"


Ah, yes. The failed prototype before Old Ironsides.


Lasagna de flottiglia
 
2012-11-05 02:06:27 PM
Will the breeding program be narrated by a bored-sounding Gillian Anderson?
 
2012-11-05 02:07:01 PM
wasn't this that X-Files episode they banned from ever being replayed?
 
2012-11-05 02:11:15 PM

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?


Goddammitsomuch,I wanted to say that!
 
2012-11-05 02:13:38 PM

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?


Vote Romney/Ryan 2012!

/Hellbenders are pretty awesome critters, but ugly as hell
 
2012-11-05 02:14:40 PM

FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?


I dunno, let me go check WorldNetDaily.
 
2012-11-05 02:15:09 PM
I went on a hellbender this weekend. Oy.
 
2012-11-05 02:15:55 PM
Isn't that a comic book? If not, why not?
 
2012-11-05 02:17:28 PM
I was like 'awww cute,' but then I GIS'd : /

This is pretty cute though:
t2.gstatic.com

Judge the mightiest of cultures by the allowances afforded to its ugliest constituents.
 
2012-11-05 02:17:54 PM
I thought this was an Ozark Hellbender:

www.themoviegourmet.com

/closely related to the Georgia Shirtlifter.
//squeal like a pig, boy!
 
2012-11-05 02:18:57 PM
Yet another great band name...
 
2012-11-05 02:19:06 PM

blatz514: I went on a hellbender this weekend. Oy.


A yelldown warhellbender?
 
2012-11-05 02:19:32 PM
There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com
www.nps.gov
 
2012-11-05 02:19:37 PM
What a fascinating moniker for a salamander species. Thanks,subby.
 
2012-11-05 02:23:58 PM

JackieRabbit: FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?

Vote Romney/Ryan 2012!

/Hellbenders are pretty awesome critters, but ugly as hell


2 posts in one, dang (spits)

1: I'm from Arkansas originally and I had to look up what a Hellbender was.

2: Vote for the best candidate this year: Nobody. Change or alter the present system to put things back in balance and maybe keep them there for a few years, or why bother? Let your voice of discontent be heard by not your apathy, but your refusal to dance in this particular pageant show any longer.

Also, stuff your politics up your poodoo maker.

Also, he started it momma! :D
 
2012-11-05 02:31:46 PM

Nappy Imus:
2: Vote for the best candidate this year: Nobody.


honestysprotegee.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-11-05 02:32:06 PM
jp3.r0tt.com
 
2012-11-05 02:32:28 PM

smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]


They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.
 
2012-11-05 02:36:08 PM
Am the only one when the read the fark headline and saw Ozark Hellbender and pictured and epic Moonshine tasting party?
 
2012-11-05 02:46:14 PM
Gives me flashbacks to the worst. Voyager episode. Ever.
 
2012-11-05 02:48:42 PM
media.giantbomb.com?
 
2012-11-05 02:54:13 PM

grimlock1972: Am the only one when the read the fark headline and saw Ozark Hellbender and pictured and epic Moonshine tasting party?


I pictured a hillbilly outlaw motorcycle gang from Arkansas.

I thought "snot otters" were the guys who rode without helmets and had their boogers running across their faces and "old lasagna sides" were the nicknames they gave to their wimens vajayjays.
 
2012-11-05 02:54:50 PM
Wait, there is actually a field of science called herpetology? That, + this thread, just made my day.
 
2012-11-05 02:56:25 PM
static.desktopnexus.com
They prefer to be called shiatweasel Americans TYVM.
 
2012-11-05 03:22:19 PM
I'm from the Ozarks and we have a local bluegrass band called The Hillbenders. Maybe we need a rockin' bunch of Snot Otters?
 
2012-11-05 03:22:46 PM

smitty04: www.nps.gov


I live at the very top tippy tip of that mauve region, and the Hellbender is a rarely-ever-seen species native to our area. So I'm getting a kick, etc.

Really, I am thrilled that they made a breakthrough in breeding them, because Hellbenders are pretty awesome and should be a source of regional pride. It's like having a Jersey Devil or a Loch Ness monster, except it's a real thing. I always thought it was dumb dumb derpy dumb that Binghamton University called themselves the "Bearcats," which isn't even real. They should have called themselves the Binghamton Hellbenders, which would have been an incredibly awesome name for an athletic team, even if their namesake looked like a giant dook.
 
2012-11-05 03:25:19 PM

JackieRabbit: smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]

They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.


They depend on their slime coating for protection, detergents dissolve the slime. Forbid people taking baths and the problem is solved. People in Arkansas only recently discovered daily bathing.
 
2012-11-05 03:28:17 PM

smitty04: JackieRabbit: smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]

They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.

They depend on their slime coating for protection, detergents dissolve the slime. Forbid people taking baths and the problem is solved. People in Arkansas only recently discovered daily bathing.


There's more to it than that.....
 
2012-11-05 03:33:08 PM

JackieRabbit: smitty04: JackieRabbit: smitty04: There are more important things than the Allegheny alligator, devil dog, mud devil, snot otter or leverian water newt that we need to worry about.
[c10184100.r0.cf2.rackcdn.com image 420x236]
[www.nps.gov image 285x218]

They are very important in that they are very sensitive indicators of water quality. They are what is known as an indicator species. They require near pristine conditions. So if hellbender populations begin to decline in an area, it is time to figure out what is going on and correct it before the watershed becomes polluted.

They depend on their slime coating for protection, detergents dissolve the slime. Forbid people taking baths and the problem is solved. People in Arkansas only recently discovered daily bathing.

There's more to it than that.....


Amphibians in general are good indicators of water-quality, and are bellweathers of the overall health of an ecosystem. If frogs, salamanfers, etc. are making a comeback in your area, then your local environment is healthier than it used to be. If they are on the decline, or gone, then your area is in trouble ecologically.
 
2012-11-05 03:33:51 PM
Damn. Put that "a" in "bellwether" by mistake.
 
2012-11-05 03:34:31 PM
Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...
 
2012-11-05 03:38:18 PM
Herptologist? Is that like someone who studies the goings-on over at Foxnewz? And when he graduates he attains the rank of Derptologist?
 
2012-11-05 03:44:42 PM

Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...


What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.
 
2012-11-05 03:50:13 PM
these are the things that live in the hoo has of the Snookes, and LiLos, and Paris' of the world.
 
2012-11-05 03:52:17 PM

smitty04: Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.


Ack. That would be positive attention, not position attention. Although perhaps positions are involved. I don't want to think about it.

And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving. But I guess a non-deformed white tiger is the charismatic opposite of a hellbender. Sad, really.
 
2012-11-05 03:54:10 PM

Flakeloaf: blatz514: I went on a hellbender this weekend. Oy.

A yelldown warhellbender?


Awww yeah.
 
2012-11-05 04:03:15 PM

Xcott: that mauve region


Goddamnit, am I color-blind? All I see are shades of blue.
 
2012-11-05 04:07:46 PM
0.tqn.com

First thing I thought of...
 
2012-11-05 04:26:30 PM
They're not being bred for leather, are they?
 
2012-11-05 04:31:29 PM

Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...


Dennis Leary: My fluffy little dog.. He's so cute- There's the problem. We only want to save the cute animals, don't we? Yeah. Why don't we just have animal auditions. Line 'em up one by one and interview them individually.

Dennis: What are you?

Otter: I'm an otter.

Dennis: And what do you do?

Otter: I swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands.

Dennis: You're free to go. And what are you?

Cow: I'm a cow.

Denis: Get in the farking truck, ok pal!

Cow: But I'm an animal.

Dennis: You're a baseball glove! Get on that truck!

Cow: I'm an animal, I have rights!

Dennis: (pointing at leather jacket) Yeah, here's yer farking cousin, get on the farking truck, pal!


Canton: smitty04: Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.

Ack. That would be positive attention, not position attention. Although perhaps positions are involved. I don't want to think about it.

And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving. But I guess a non-deformed white tiger is the charismatic opposite of a hellbender. Sad, really.


White tiger:
upload.wikimedia.org

Possible white tiger habitat:
im.glogster.com

Problem?


//No, I am not serious.
 
2012-11-05 04:42:17 PM
Just as long as they're not breeding shiat weasels. Those things are nasty.
 
2012-11-05 04:50:58 PM
Do I have to do this myself? Oh, ok.

images2.wikia.nocookie.net


SAVE THEM!
 
2012-11-05 05:11:56 PM
Jesus christ, the copy-editing in that article.
 
2012-11-05 05:37:38 PM

Whatthefark: grimlock1972: Am the only one when the read the fark headline and saw Ozark Hellbender and pictured and epic Moonshine tasting party?

I pictured a hillbilly outlaw motorcycle gang from Arkansas.

I thought "snot otters" were the guys who rode without helmets and had their boogers running across their faces and "old lasagna sides" were the nicknames they gave to their wimens vajayjays.


Omg, someone vote funny on this for me please?

/stupid mobile and no votingness
 
2012-11-05 05:38:22 PM

Canton: And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving.


White Kermode bears are also a color mutation but they survive in the wild.
 
2012-11-05 06:17:32 PM

Ivo Shandor: Canton: And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving.

White Kermode bears are also a color mutation but they survive in the wild.


Bears don't generally hunt using stealth.
 
2012-11-05 06:31:55 PM

give me doughnuts: Damn. Put that "a" in "bellwether" by mistake.


So a wether is a castrated sheep. Put a bell around his neck and he becomes the bellwether of the flock.

/Never thought to look up the odd spelling.
 
2012-11-05 06:33:03 PM

Xcott: I always thought it was dumb dumb derpy dumb that Binghamton University called themselves the "Bearcats," which isn't even real.


Wait...are you serious?

The University of Cincinnati has this girl as a mascot:
3.bp.blogspot.com

They take her to games and events sometimes. She resides at the zoo, and I saw her last time I was there, cuddled up in a UC print blanket. :)
They're called a binturong, but common name is bearcat, or asian bearcat.
Lucy gets lots of attention and is apparently quite friendly, but in the wild they are extremely vicious when threatened.
 
2012-11-05 06:48:29 PM

Mad Mark: I'm from the Ozarks and we have a local bluegrass band called The Hillbenders. Maybe we need a rockin' bunch of Snot Otters?


From the ozarks as well. Went and watched some of the habitat placement on the upper spring river this summer
 
2012-11-05 06:57:47 PM
everytime i ran a trotline on bull shoals,we would catch the things. didnt seem too extinct to me then,just a few years ago. they seem to like small bluegills.
 
2012-11-05 07:14:42 PM
There was a biology professor at my college who tried to get our school mascot changed to a hellbender.

Link

/Hartwick Hellbenders
//Better than Hawks
 
2012-11-05 07:39:43 PM
Wasn't Ozark Hellbender a nickname Bill Clinton used when he was bar crawling in Little Rock?
 
2012-11-05 07:49:35 PM
Subby: Thank you so very much for that headline, it was the first good laugh in 8+ days and much needed.

/8 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes: no electrical, no phone and no cable, plus our cell reception was compromised for 5 of those days.
 
2012-11-05 07:51:38 PM

porterm: everytime i ran a trotline on bull shoals,we would catch the things. didnt seem too extinct to me then,just a few years ago. they seem to like small bluegills.


Sure you weren't catching mudpuppies instead? They're common.
 
2012-11-05 08:16:45 PM
When the snot-otter crawled up on me, I heard it coming from a hundred yards or two away, as it snuffled as it walked...

*)
 
2012-11-05 08:26:01 PM
3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-11-05 08:36:44 PM
I find it odd that I knew what a hellbender was before clicking the link.
 
2012-11-05 08:41:57 PM

roc6783: Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

Dennis Leary: My fluffy little dog.. He's so cute- There's the problem. We only want to save the cute animals, don't we? Yeah. Why don't we just have animal auditions. Line 'em up one by one and interview them individually.

Dennis: What are you?

Otter: I'm an otter.

Dennis: And what do you do?

Otter: I swim around on my back and do cute little human things with my hands.

Dennis: You're free to go. And what are you?

Cow: I'm a cow.

Denis: Get in the farking truck, ok pal!

Cow: But I'm an animal.

Dennis: You're a baseball glove! Get on that truck!

Cow: I'm an animal, I have rights!

Dennis: (pointing at leather jacket) Yeah, here's yer farking cousin, get on the farking truck, pal!


Hah! That's evil, but awesome!

Also... Here's the Cracked piece.

Knew I wasn't imagining things!
 
2012-11-05 08:47:27 PM

Nappy Imus: JackieRabbit: FlashHarry: yes, but what do the derpetologists say?

Vote Romney/Ryan 2012!

/Hellbenders are pretty awesome critters, but ugly as hell

2 posts in one, dang (spits)

1: I'm from Arkansas originally and I had to look up what a Hellbender was.

2: Vote for the best candidate this year: Nobody. Change or alter the present system to put things back in balance and maybe keep them there for a few years, or why bother? Let your voice of discontent be heard by not your apathy, but your refusal to dance in this particular pageant show any longer.

Also, stuff your politics up your poodoo maker.

Also, he started it momma! :D


Your from Arkansas and never fished with a Hellbender?
The fake lure kind.
Used to live on Lake Ouachitah.
 
2012-11-05 08:56:01 PM

andyofne: I find it odd that I knew what a hellbender was before clicking the link.


I don't, but I happened across a book about them at the Allegany State Park gift shop two years ago. Otherwise I wouldn't have known.

I wonder how much of that region they live in also has large amounts of fracking?
 
2012-11-05 09:02:32 PM
Hmm. . Odd association for the day: The only reason I know what a herpetologist is: Kim Possible fan-fic erotica.

\Loves me some Shego. . .
\\this Farkette will be in her bunk
/Farkettes and slashies can go both ways
 
2012-11-05 09:12:46 PM
www.missourinet.com

It's like a real-world Pokemon. The "God's Terrible Mistakes" subclass.
 
2012-11-05 09:44:58 PM
Chryptobranchs: Compare and contrast.

/Think I remembered the family correctly - last zoo class 1969.
 
2012-11-05 09:55:03 PM
AccuJack:
Do I have to do this myself?

Apparently. Oh, memories of chasing after those things as a teammate roars off towards the enemy with no gunner and no plan :P

M-M-M-M-M-M-MONSTERKILL!
 
2012-11-05 10:28:34 PM

Canton: smitty04: Canton: Nice to see a non-charismatic species getting position attention for a change. Well, okay, mostly positive. Keeping my expectations reasonable here.

/Didn't Cracked do a piece on snot otters? I think Soren Bowie wrote it...

What really gripes me is Zoos trying to breed white tigers, it is creating a breed that could never survive in the wild. They need to blend into the environment to survive.

Ack. That would be positive attention, not position attention. Although perhaps positions are involved. I don't want to think about it.

And yeah, white tigers shouldn't even be a thing. That's a color mutation that doesn't last in nature, not a separate species that needs saving. But I guess a non-deformed white tiger is the charismatic opposite of a hellbender. Sad, really.


I was watching a video on YouTube from some folks called "Big Cat Rescue", and apparently white tigers also suffer a variety of health defects. They're inbred as hell and even in the safety of a good zoo or animal rescue center, they still often have a lot of setbacks. It seems cruel to breed them for any reason.
 
2012-11-05 10:35:40 PM
As a multi-generation hillbilly I knew why they were called hellbenders before I clicked. The reason is if you catch one on a fishing line they wiggle like their hell bent to return to the water. One big problem they have is illegal killing by giggers being jacka$&es. Giggers go out at night on Jon boats with powerful lights to spear suckers, carp, buffalo and other rough fish
 
2012-11-06 12:32:49 AM
I read the whole article wondering what they actually were. Some kind of salamander? You can't tell by the pic in the article that it's TWO FARKING FEET LONG. We only get the three to four inch long ones here.
 
2012-11-06 03:04:52 PM
Hellbender? awesome game. played the hell out of the demo on the windows 95 companion CD.

www.freewebs.com
 
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