Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Guardian)   Obama Secret Service bodyguard found dead in apparent suicide. Initial clues suggest he threw himself under a bus   (guardian.co.uk) divider line 140
    More: Scary  
•       •       •

13914 clicks; posted to Main » on 02 Nov 2012 at 11:11 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



140 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all
 
2012-11-02 11:30:08 AM  
Wow, Romney will stop at nothing to get this presidency.
 
2012-11-02 11:30:47 AM  

incendi: Orgasmatron138: Makes me wonder if there's more to the story...

Yeah. But I'm not gonna speculate over a dead body. I'll leave that to Fox News.


.
Well, if you would follow a real news outlet like Fox then you would have some of the details missing from this article, such as he was also married. But hey, enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance.
 
2012-11-02 11:31:07 AM  

EZ Writer: MaliFinn: LegacyDL: Let me get this straight: A 20 year career man kills himself because of some woman he was boinking?

Seeing as how this is happening in DC I'm calling BS.

Nobody said it was a woman.

Or a man...

[ih1.redbubble.net image 375x360]


That was funny right there, I don't care who you are...

/git r done
 
2012-11-02 11:32:04 AM  

freewill: Leisure Suit Larry: Was it just a foreign national or was it a foreign diplomat? If you work for the secret service you can only have sex with americans? I understand patriotism but that's a little harsh don't you think?

That isn't what the words say.

He was in trouble for having an unreported relationship with a foreign national. He could do what he wanted, but he needed to give proper notice of the situation so that they knew what was up and could make sure everything checks out.

That said, I'm guessing it was at least somewhat more scandalous than that, given that he decided to eat a bullet over it.


Well maybe not.

Reporting that you farked a foreign hottie means they know, and it WILL come up in your performance reviews because there are all sorts of things the higher-ups can decide to be paranoid about, from your fetish for fine Mochochino 'tang to your secret cock habit to your D&D game. So you think it's a one-time thing and you let it slide, but you meet her again in a bar and it ends up NOT being a one time thing...and then you start getting investigated and you might be about to lose your security clearance and you've been working 12-hour days for the last 4 years because the first black president gets 4 times as many death threats and your career is at BEST never moving forward, probably going downhill...

Secret service seems like a shiatty job.
 
2012-11-02 11:32:04 AM  

Arn_Dee: Wow, Romney will stop at nothing to get this presidency.


Obama will stop at nothing to keep the truth from being let out;

/Romney doesn't have that kind of juice, yet.
 
2012-11-02 11:33:31 AM  
Hmmm.... so either the guy was facing the probable end of his career, public humiliation, etc. and decided that suicide was the best way out, -OR- it's a vast government conspiracy. The guy probably saw that Obama was meeting with the Lizard People and, because the man was a true patriot that loved and served his nation faithfully, the president feared that he would tell the media, so he had the guy murdered by his personal cadre of elite assassins.
 
2012-11-02 11:34:05 AM  

TheBigJerk: Well maybe not.

Reporting that you farked a foreign hottie means they know, and it WILL come up in your performance reviews because there are all sorts of things the higher-ups can decide to be paranoid about, from your fetish for fine Mochochino 'tang to your secret cock habit to your D&D game. So you think it's a one-time thing and you let it slide, but you meet her again in a bar and it ends up NOT being a one time thing...and then you start getting investigated and you might be about to lose your security clearance and you've been working 12-hour days for the last 4 years because the first black president gets 4 times as many death threats and your career is at BEST never moving forward, probably going downhill...

Secret service seems like a shiatty job.


I agree to some extent, in that if you have something to hide, this probably isn't the career path for you.

That said, if the guy is married with children, it sounds like that pretty much explains it right there.
 
2012-11-02 11:34:29 AM  
Actually it's pretty obvious with unemployment being so high these days...

He knows after next week he's going be out of a job anyway.
 
2012-11-02 11:35:04 AM  
Some people are saying that he cried out for help as he did it, and Obama watched from the control room on his Dick Tracy wrist television and laughed and laughed, even though he had Willie Horton stationed on a swift boat just 2 blocks away.
 
2012-11-02 11:36:35 AM  

Dear Jerk: Some people are saying that he cried out for help as he did it, and Obama watched from the control room on his Dick Tracy wrist television and laughed and laughed, even though he had Willie Horton stationed on a swift boat just 2 blocks away.


You left out a reference to Vince Foster, so I will give that 8/10
 
2012-11-02 11:37:13 AM  
He couldn't live knowing the truth about how Breitbart died.
 
2012-11-02 11:38:03 AM  

dothemath: The article does not mention that he was also married.
The thought of dealing with a family implosion and the shame that goes along with it is enough for some guys to pull the plug.


I always assumed that the personal security folks in the Secret Service were single - being in a job where you are required to put your own body between your boss and a speeding bullet doesn't seem like an ideal situation for a married man, especially if there are children. Apparently I was mistaken.
 
2012-11-02 11:38:33 AM  

Orgasmatron138: incendi: It's a shame he suicided, though... I'm sure even if your clearance is yanked and you get fired, you can get a good job with a private security firm after 20+ years with the SS.

Makes me wonder if there's more to the story...


His husband didn't know he was straight ...

/i keed
 
2012-11-02 11:41:05 AM  

incendi: Bit'O'Gristle: So if I'm reading tfa right, if you are a member of the secret service, you have to REPORT who you're boinking to your boss? Wtf is up with that?

If it's a foreign national, yes. It's a somewhat big deal as far as your security clearance is concerned.


/Ok..it makes sense now. Thanks all.
 
2012-11-02 11:41:32 AM  

Deep Contact: The ole suicide by CO poisoning eh. Wonder what he knew.


I'm sure it had nothing to do with Bengazi or Fast and Furious or the huge amounts of secret information that has been leaking out of the WH for the last four years.
 
2012-11-02 11:42:13 AM  
I gotta say, I'm disappointed in the conspiracy theorists so far.

We need a NARRATIVE, a story as to what he saw, what evil plots he was a victim to. Something like how he saw Obama remove his flesh-mask and reveal the demon-jackal face underneath.
 
2012-11-02 11:42:14 AM  

MaliFinn: LegacyDL: Let me get this straight: A 20 year career man kills himself because of some woman he was boinking?

Seeing as how this is happening in DC I'm calling BS.

Nobody said it was a woman.


It's always a woman...
 
2012-11-02 11:44:25 AM  
It sounds like he sucked lead because his actions were destroying his family, not that it was a security issue, but that is the reason why SS have to report the foreign tail they're getting. So no Anna Chapman can pussy whip them into spying on or killing the Prez.
 
2012-11-02 11:45:34 AM  

Godscrack: TheBigJerk: That he liked pussy.

Maybe it wasn't pussy.




The foreign national was...Vladimir Putin.

Suicide was the best he could hope for.


/barf
 
2012-11-02 11:45:37 AM  

cgraves67: It sounds like he sucked lead because his actions were destroying his family, not that it was a security issue, but that is the reason why SS have to report the foreign tail they're getting. So no Anna Chapman can pussy whip them into spying on or killing the Prez.


They still sell leaded gasoline?
 
2012-11-02 11:46:21 AM  
Will his funeral be a secret service, too?
 
2012-11-02 11:46:40 AM  
FTA In October a Secret Service officer was arrested for being unconscious on a Miama street corner a day after a visit by Obama. The officer was part of the Secret Service's support group, not a personal guard.

Arrested?! Shouldn't they check him out at a hospital first?

/Article fragment needs more info
 
2012-11-02 11:47:31 AM  
FTFA: In October a Secret Service officer was arrested for being unconscious on a Miama street corner a day after a visit by Obama.

Miama? That's how my grandmother pronounces Miami. Didn't know she wrote for the Guardian.

/or was alive
//window seat
 
2012-11-02 11:51:59 AM  

zixr: Will his funeral be a secret service, too?


Lemme guess, you'll be here all week...
 
2012-11-02 11:52:01 AM  

Ecobuckeye: FTFA: In October a Secret Service officer was arrested for being unconscious on a Miama street corner a day after a visit by Obama.

Miama? That's how my grandmother pronounces Miami. Didn't know she wrote for the Guardian.

/or was alive
//window seat


/aisle seat
 
2012-11-02 11:54:03 AM  

incendi: Bit'O'Gristle: So if I'm reading tfa right, if you are a member of the secret service, you have to REPORT who you're boinking to your boss? Wtf is up with that?

If it's a foreign national, yes. It's a somewhat big deal as far as your security clearance is concerned.


Do I understand things correctly in that if you're in such a position you are more or less on the honor system when it comes to reporting romantic entanglements that might affect your job (like say, if one is a Secret Service agent hooking it up with a foreign national- hooker or not), with the understanding that if you fail to report such entanglements and someone finds out your ass is grass? It's not an obligation to report everyone you're hooking up with, but at the same time if you're in such a position there are very few "safe" people one can be involved with sexually or romantically.
 
2012-11-02 11:55:45 AM  

justanotherfarkinfarker: Or maybe the guy just had depression, and drowned it in foreign pussy. shiat happens. I doubt the spy line is legit.


Would have been caught long ago. Intelligence and Security positions aren't like your everyday job. You don't get to just go about your business, do your job, then clock out all private like. You are always monitored. Spooks interview your family, neighbors, coworkers, everybody. Your boss can, at any time, know exactly where your head is at and if you're behaving outside the norm.

Essentially, you have the least amount of privacy experienced by anybody on the entire globe. You aren't just some goon, you're security for the friggin' POTUS.
 
2012-11-02 12:00:56 PM  

Crotchrocket Slim: incendi: Bit'O'Gristle: So if I'm reading tfa right, if you are a member of the secret service, you have to REPORT who you're boinking to your boss? Wtf is up with that?

If it's a foreign national, yes. It's a somewhat big deal as far as your security clearance is concerned.

Do I understand things correctly in that if you're in such a position you are more or less on the honor system when it comes to reporting romantic entanglements that might affect your job (like say, if one is a Secret Service agent hooking it up with a foreign national- hooker or not), with the understanding that if you fail to report such entanglements and someone finds out your ass is grass? It's not an obligation to report everyone you're hooking up with, but at the same time if you're in such a position there are very few "safe" people one can be involved with sexually or romantically.


It's both. You are on the honor system, but they are also going to find out. Think of it as a never-ending loyalty test. You are required to tell them, and they are going to investigate you anyway.

Your clearance and job are even at risk if you've got a troublesome kid. I nearly cost a family member their clearance just because I was a hooligan. Supposedly they spent some time investigating *me* and decided that I wasn't truly a risk. I only found out about this third-hand.
 
2012-11-02 12:02:44 PM  

SnyderCat: MaliFinn: LegacyDL: Let me get this straight: A 20 year career man kills himself because of some woman he was boinking?

Seeing as how this is happening in DC I'm calling BS.

Nobody said it was a woman.

It's always a woman...


Not always.

i208.photobucket.com
 
2012-11-02 12:03:36 PM  

Crotchrocket Slim: incendi: Bit'O'Gristle: So if I'm reading tfa right, if you are a member of the secret service, you have to REPORT who you're boinking to your boss? Wtf is up with that?

If it's a foreign national, yes. It's a somewhat big deal as far as your security clearance is concerned.

Do I understand things correctly in that if you're in such a position you are more or less on the honor system when it comes to reporting romantic entanglements that might affect your job (like say, if one is a Secret Service agent hooking it up with a foreign national- hooker or not), with the understanding that if you fail to report such entanglements and someone finds out your ass is grass? It's not an obligation to report everyone you're hooking up with, but at the same time if you're in such a position there are very few "safe" people one can be involved with sexually or romantically.


I know I would have to report contact with any foreign national, regardless of its nature. Its not about who your screwing, its ANY contact with foreigners.

And yes, you are under the honor system. But if you don't report it and they find out you are in deep trouble for showing poor judgement in hiding it.

Heck, you have to report all tickets above a certain amount, gifts received over a certain amount, any medications. There's a laundry list of things to report. That's JUST for the clearance. Depending on your organization you might have more monitoring programs to report too that are more strict, even down to reporting marital problems, excessive stress, any pain killer stronger than advil/excedrin, etc.

These things are no joke. He probably ate the bullet because...
1) His marriage/home life was about to get dynamited by the revelation (or already was if the wife knew)
2) If the investigation wasn't going his way and he was sure he would lose his clearance his career in that entire line of work is gone.

You take away a 20-year career and a man's family and things get desperate.
 
2012-11-02 12:05:50 PM  
suicide eh?

yea, so what? you never seen anyone shot themselves 6 times in the back?
 
2012-11-02 12:08:07 PM  

MaliFinn: SnyderCat: MaliFinn: LegacyDL: Let me get this straight: A 20 year career man kills himself because of some woman he was boinking?

Seeing as how this is happening in DC I'm calling BS.

Nobody said it was a woman.

It's always a woman...

Not always.

[i208.photobucket.com image 267x213]


you had to go there?
 
2012-11-02 12:08:09 PM  

Kuroshin: Would have been caught long ago. Intelligence and Security positions aren't like your everyday job. You don't get to just go about your business, do your job, then clock out all private like. You are always monitored. Spooks interview your family, neighbors, coworkers, everybody. Your boss can, at any time, know exactly where your head is at and if you're behaving outside the norm.

Essentially, you have the least amount of privacy experienced by anybody on the entire globe. You aren't just some goon, you're security for the friggin' POTUS.


While I agree that the scrutiny is intense, it's incorrect to think that depression is always detectable. It can be a devastating problem but for all of that it is one that is easy to hide. It's not like alcoholism or a drug addiction, or having an affair which can all leave tangible evidence. It's intensely personal and utterly internalised. It simply is not detectable if the sufferer doesn't want it to be.
 
2012-11-02 12:08:13 PM  

ChipNASA: Abe Vigoda's Ghost: incendi: It's a shame he suicided, though... I'm sure even if your clearance is yanked and you get fired, you can get a good job with a private security firm after 20+ years with the SS.

That was my thought.

Perhaps there are more layers to this story.

He was Married with Children....

[upload.wikimedia.org image 289x217]


Then it's just sad. I feel bad for his family that he chose this method of escaping the problem.
 
2012-11-02 12:13:29 PM  
He'd rather kill himself than come to terms with and take responsibility for his own personal decision to pick up a prostitute. Good riddance, worthless guy.
 
2012-11-02 12:15:03 PM  
Alex Jones just had an orgasm
 
2012-11-02 12:18:56 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: He'd rather kill himself than come to terms with and take responsibility for his own personal decision to pick up a prostitute. Good riddance, worthless guy.


Not everyone's "romantic affair" involves a prostitute...

/YMMV
 
2012-11-02 12:18:59 PM  

impaler: The Stealth Hippopotamus: So I got a pile of tickets to hell over here, can I turn them all in for an upgrade?

/giggle

Conservative humor.

 

i.imgur.com

Hippo's post is the poster child for everything that's wrong with modern conservatives.
 
2012-11-02 12:19:20 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: He'd rather kill himself than come to terms with and take responsibility for his own personal decision to pick up a prostitute. Good riddance, worthless guy.


He was not one of those. He had a long term affair with a mexican woman (6 years, apparently), but after the hooker incident, the SS cranked up it's internal policing and began an investigation on him.

So, he'd rather kill himself than come to terms with and taking responsibility for having fallen in love with someone other than his wife and not telling his boss/site security officer about his illicit affair.
 
2012-11-02 12:20:00 PM  
OBAMA KILLED COSTNER!

Before the hit: 

c498390.r90.cf2.rackcdn.com 


After:

cdn.inquisitr.com
 
2012-11-02 12:20:47 PM  
Here's what I've been thinking about. Lets say that during the second debate Obama takes a swipe and cold clocks Mitt Romney in the face. What happens next? Does Romney's Secret Service detail tackle the president only to have Obama's Secret Service detail jump on top of those guys? These are the things I think about while watching the debates...
 
2012-11-02 12:21:42 PM  

TheBigJerk: freewill: Leisure Suit Larry: Was it just a foreign national or was it a foreign diplomat? If you work for the secret service you can only have sex with americans? I understand patriotism but that's a little harsh don't you think?

That isn't what the words say.

He was in trouble for having an unreported relationship with a foreign national. He could do what he wanted, but he needed to give proper notice of the situation so that they knew what was up and could make sure everything checks out.

That said, I'm guessing it was at least somewhat more scandalous than that, given that he decided to eat a bullet over it.

Well maybe not.

Reporting that you farked a foreign hottie means they know, and it WILL come up in your performance reviews because there are all sorts of things the higher-ups can decide to be paranoid about, from your fetish for fine Mochochino 'tang to your secret cock habit to your D&D game. So you think it's a one-time thing and you let it slide, but you meet her again in a bar and it ends up NOT being a one time thing...and then you start getting investigated and you might be about to lose your security clearance and you've been working 12-hour days for the last 4 years because the first black president gets 4 times as many death threats and your career is at BEST never moving forward, probably going downhill...

Secret service seems like a shiatty job.


It pays really well, but yes, I'm fairly certain my dad has shaved a few years off his life from all the stress. Notably, this article is going to ensure he has a pretty shiatty day today as well.
 
2012-11-02 12:26:22 PM  

blahpers: Hippo's post is the poster child for everything that's wrong with modern conservatives.


Did you guys miss the thread after thread after thread hoping for the Hurricane to hit the Republican Convention?
Or is wishing the death and destruction of an entire city cool but a morbid laugh about a guy we'll never know wrong?

I can't wait for this election to be over, everyone wash the sand our our shors and getting back to the sick bastards we really are.
 
2012-11-02 12:29:57 PM  

m1ke: Here's what I've been thinking about. Lets say that during the second debate Obama takes a swipe and cold clocks Mitt Romney in the face. What happens next? Does Romney's Secret Service detail tackle the president only to have Obama's Secret Service detail jump on top of those guys? These are the things I think about while watching the debates...


They all hop on top of you while I bang your imaginary girl friend. Then, the debate continues as you imagine my comeuppance. It's the American way, after all. Vote Spork.
 
2012-11-02 12:30:23 PM  
It has begun.
 
2012-11-02 12:30:40 PM  

nekulor: TheBigJerk: freewill: Leisure Suit Larry: Was it just a foreign national or was it a foreign diplomat? If you work for the secret service you can only have sex with americans? I understand patriotism but that's a little harsh don't you think?

That isn't what the words say.

He was in trouble for having an unreported relationship with a foreign national. He could do what he wanted, but he needed to give proper notice of the situation so that they knew what was up and could make sure everything checks out.

That said, I'm guessing it was at least somewhat more scandalous than that, given that he decided to eat a bullet over it.

Well maybe not.

Reporting that you farked a foreign hottie means they know, and it WILL come up in your performance reviews because there are all sorts of things the higher-ups can decide to be paranoid about, from your fetish for fine Mochochino 'tang to your secret cock habit to your D&D game. So you think it's a one-time thing and you let it slide, but you meet her again in a bar and it ends up NOT being a one time thing...and then you start getting investigated and you might be about to lose your security clearance and you've been working 12-hour days for the last 4 years because the first black president gets 4 times as many death threats and your career is at BEST never moving forward, probably going downhill...

Secret service seems like a shiatty job.

It pays really well, but yes, I'm fairly certain my dad has shaved a few years off his life from all the stress. Notably, this article is going to ensure he has a pretty shiatty day today as well.


When do daddies learn?
 
2012-11-02 12:33:26 PM  

Rapmaster2000: Vince Foster II: Clinton Boogaloo!


No, to qualify, he would have had to carefully lay himself out on the ground in a park after getting hit by the bus.

FYI: I always believed Foster committed suicide, he just didn't do it in the park, he did it in the White House. What followed was a conspiracy between Secret Service agents, who figured if they didn't cover it it up they'd get fired for letting someone in the deepest reaches of the Executive Mansion with a gun and White House staff who didn't want the embarrassment of Foster's suicide compounded by the location. It explains the forensic evidence, the evidence found at the scene of Foster's body, the fact that the White House staff wouldn't allow anyone in his office for a few days after the suicide (brains are messy...so is evidence of Hillary's involvement in Whitewater), and so on.
 
2012-11-02 12:35:58 PM  

Disposable Rob: Nurglitch: If he suicided, chances are that said foreign national went un-reported for a reason. The reason being she was a spy.

Actually that's bullshiat, I don't really know, I just like baseless speculation and bloviating on the intarwebz.

ME TOO!


I suspect that the reason you both like baseless speculation on the internet is that y'all are professionally unfulfilled and have never even touched a woman.
 
2012-11-02 12:43:14 PM  

The Stealth Hippopotamus: So I got a pile of tickets to hell over here, can I turn them all in for an upgrade?

/giggle


They get squirelly about puerile with high security clearances being in relationships with foreign nationals.
 
2012-11-02 12:44:39 PM  

SnyderCat: nekulor: TheBigJerk: freewill: Leisure Suit Larry: Was it just a foreign national or was it a foreign diplomat? If you work for the secret service you can only have sex with americans? I understand patriotism but that's a little harsh don't you think?

That isn't what the words say.

He was in trouble for having an unreported relationship with a foreign national. He could do what he wanted, but he needed to give proper notice of the situation so that they knew what was up and could make sure everything checks out.

That said, I'm guessing it was at least somewhat more scandalous than that, given that he decided to eat a bullet over it.

Well maybe not.

Reporting that you farked a foreign hottie means they know, and it WILL come up in your performance reviews because there are all sorts of things the higher-ups can decide to be paranoid about, from your fetish for fine Mochochino 'tang to your secret cock habit to your D&D game. So you think it's a one-time thing and you let it slide, but you meet her again in a bar and it ends up NOT being a one time thing...and then you start getting investigated and you might be about to lose your security clearance and you've been working 12-hour days for the last 4 years because the first black president gets 4 times as many death threats and your career is at BEST never moving forward, probably going downhill...

Secret service seems like a shiatty job.

It pays really well, but yes, I'm fairly certain my dad has shaved a few years off his life from all the stress. Notably, this article is going to ensure he has a pretty shiatty day today as well.

When do daddies learn?


I keep telling him to retire and jump ship to a high paying private security company, or to go into real estate, since, he has his license, but I honestly think, as much as he hates the stress, he likes his job in some strange, Stockholm Syndrome-like way. It has allowed me to meet three presidents and a few VPs, so I'm not complaining.
 
Displayed 50 of 140 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report