Not too much new to report, Headline of the Year is coming, but that's a little later. In the meantime, enjoy these...

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2012-10-21 to Sat 2012-10-27:

  Man drives his car around inside a shopping mall, is amazed to see the new Oldsmobiles are in early this year  

  Man marries Targ in Klingon-themed wedding at London's Star Trek convention. Kahless told you this would happen if gay marriage was legalized    

  People are having a hard time wrapping their heads around the whole California porn condom measure    

  Researchers say shy fish have better survival odds -- not necessarily koi, just shy    

  Man killed in Surf Beach shark attack was surfing, officials say, also warn ladies to stay the hell out of Rapewood Forest    

  UNC drops the word "freshman" in favor of a more gender inclusive term. First year students will now be called "long term financially obligated clients"    

  "...and that's the latest from Snooki. Now we turn briefly to a boring report that Egypt has brokered a cease-fire between Israel and Hamas. Isn't that nice? Up next: Why is President Obama hiding his kindergarten report cards?"    

  Brazilian woman gets $780,000 for her virginity. All subby got was a cheap dinner at Bennigan's and an increased familiarity with the backseat layout of an '84 Corolla    

  As per her dying wish, man has wife's vagina carved on tombstone -- as cold and motionless as when she was alive    

  Not only do you have to contend with all the poisonous spiders, snakes, jellyfish, octopi and crocodiles. Now poison gas canisters are washing up on Australian shores. Australia has a vendetta against humans    

  800 clowns gather in Mexico City for convention. Parking not a problem as they all arrived in one car    


Sports:

  NFL now investigating the San Diego Chargers for using a banned sticky substance. Legal experts say it will be difficult to prove since the Chargers can't even hang onto a lead    

  Armstrong stripped of Tour de France titles, Moon Landing    

  Autistic high school football player kicks game winning field goal for 23.9967 to 20.9967 upset victory    


Geek:

  Headline:"Your pillow is a lot like a toilet seat, microbially speaking." And subby's toilet seat is a lot like a pillow, hangoverly speaking    

  Young people still frequent libraries, saying they like to actually see for themselves these "books" their parents used to speak of    

  US to return 4,000 archaeological items to Mexico. Mexico agrees to dismiss international warrant for "a gringo in a weathered hat brandishing a whip"    


Entertainment:

  The Village People insist there were never any gay overtones to their songs, that they were all written after a long night of banging hot young broads with Liberace, Paul Lynde, and Charles Nelson Reilly    

  Lindsay Lohan's publicist quits, wants to take on less stressful job such as opening a synagogue in Tehran    

  Dorothy's dress from the Wizard of Oz could fetch $500k at auction. It would have been worth more, but the dry cleaners couldn't get the munchkin pecker tracks out of the gingham    


Politics:

  The problem with foreign policy debates is that we don't know what to ask because nobody knows what the next international crisis is going to be, except Jack Bauer and Carrie Matthison, and no one ever believes them    

  Obama draws praise from Chavez, Putin and the Castro family - still waiting to hear from Lex Luthor, Doctor Doom and the Joker    

  State department email at 6:07 PM on the day of Benghazi "'Ansar al-Sharia Claims Responsibility". Unmentioned: emails claiming responsibility by the Libyan People's Front, the People's Front of Libya, and the Libyan Popular People's Front    


Business:

  Hedge fund manager donates $100 million to Central Park. Come on, just how many hedges does that park need?    

  Illinois Amtrak train sets a record by going over 110 mph. Officials concede that Amtrak trains have been clocked at higher speeds, but this one was different because it actually stayed on the tracks    

  Cost of college is up by about $400 this fall, as students are expected to buy one more book than usual    
· · ·