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(ESPN)   ESPN's Week 9 NFL Power Rankings: Falcons maintain grip on top spot, while New York treads water in second and Indy surges into the top 15   ( divider line
    More: Cool, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, away games, Albert Haynesworth, rankings, Kevin Kolb, Jags, Mike Shanahan, Matt Hasselbeck  
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4215 clicks; posted to Sports » on 30 Oct 2012 at 3:02 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2012-10-30 09:37:18 PM  
3 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement. That we are, while at the same time solemnly reflecting on a horrible disaster. Millions, including this intrepid chronicle of abject failure, are without power. Many feet of water have submerged a boardwalk teeming with memories of happy carnival days and gloriously STD-ridden nights. There have even been many deaths attributed to this terrible storm, and that's certainly nothing to joke about. But while we stay at rapt attention watching coverage of one hurricane, this induction ceremony seeks to examine the hurricane that rages within the very gunslinging soul of this week's winner.

Indeed, there seems to be an unholy struggle taking place at all times within Antonio Ramiro Buongiorno Thesituationo Romo. Will he be a turnover-prone clown this week? Maybe, if the better angels of his nature don't win out. Can his QB rating be as high during all four quarters as it has been in the 4th quarter since 2009? Perhaps, if the personal demons that lead him to turn his blasted baseball cap around backwards don't emerge victorious.

So it has been throughout his unlikely path to the NFL, from Eastern Illinois University to the bright lights of Big D.

So it was in Week 8.

Of course, other events in the past week's slate of games had an impact here - natch, the week prior as well. The tarnish on last week's trophy was almost too much to bear as The "Winner" Who Shall Not Be Named somehow conquered the field with a pathetic 33.3, and prior to his game kicking off, it seemed as if such a tragedy might once more befall this award. The leaderboard was once again deadlocked with several names intertwined at only a pair of turnovers apiece. The discussion thread was filled with worry that there would once more be a winner without distinction. Without honor. Without any of the similar adjectives that also describe The Bad Day.


But I digress.

Looking ahead at games yet to be played, we knew we had some hope for the future. John Skelton was going on Monday night. Cutler and Newton were slugging it out on the field, but both somehow fell short, with the Best in the World frustratingly just adding his name to the gridlock. "Hey, there's always Carson Palmer and Brady Quinn squaring off," we figured, "one of them are bound to take the solo lead." As uncertainty reigned, however, a cowboy took the field and took everyone's breath away...

...with peals of laughter, with gasps of disbelief, with howls of incredulousness as our hero quickly tucked us all in and provided the warm glass of milk that is a 3-interception first quarter. So warm and snuggly in our Delhomme dreams that we began hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, this quarterback might just succeed where another had so recently failed.

And then that damn devil had to come out to play.

That nasty, evil demon that so malevolently whispered in his ear, "But don't you want to actually win the game?"

It was as if a spigot had suddenly been turned off. The riverbank, at once dry and barren. Suddenly, the Tony that wanted to make his own fans happy had emerged, and he started showing off what can happen when he actually aims his passes at his own receivers. A 23-0 Giants lead in the early second quarter had been transformed into a 24-23 Dallas advantage as the 4th quarter commenced. True, the Giants retook the lead quickly thereafter, but it was cool. Tony was at work and the Cowboys had cruised down the field straight into the New York red zone.

Without warning, the struggle started anew. Passes started missing their targets. A short incompletion into the dirt on 2nd down. An overthrown deep ball on 3rd. All of a sudden, 4th down had struck, 63 seconds was left on the clock, and the two sides of Tony were wrestling for gridiron glory.

As the ball was softly cradled to the sternum of a Giant defender and a second 2012 Jake victory virtually assured, Antonio strutted to the sideline, took a sip of Gatorade, and flipped around an imaginary baseball cap. "Job well done," he told himself. "That whiny pussy Tony may complain, but I - three and out? Oh, fanculo!"

The war within was reborn. 60 yards of Texas grass was trampled underfoot as the march downfield started over. A beautiful bomb was launched at the back of the endzone and, shocker of ALL shockers, Dez Bryant had actually caught it! The Cowboys had completed the comeback! Tony had settled the storm inside himself and had won the day!

Sadly, while Tony and Antonio are at perpetual war in the same body, in Dez Bryant's there is no such strife. There is only...Dez.

Having one last throw at hand, the battle began one final time. There were more stupid faces being made underneath that helmet than can be seen at a Rivers family reunion. The ball was snapped, he faded back into the pocket, and his arm was flung forward.

With the ball still sailing between the uprights, Antonio smirked and started readying his acceptance speech. Somewhere deep inside, sweet Tony had once more learned a vital lesson that never quite seems to take, a lesson first spoken by a man who knows that killing him won't bring back your Goddamned honey.

Never go to war. Especially with yourself.

For throwing 4 interceptions while keeping the outcome in the game firmly in the doubt, for finally surrendering to making everyone but his own fans laugh and cheer, for giving us a winning performance with which we could all be happy, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 8 of the 2012 NFL season to Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys.

Tony, any words?

"Tony's not in right now. May I take a message? MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Should've known.

/written via rapidly-dying iPod
//don't say I've never done anything for you, lol
2012-10-30 04:17:33 PM  
3 votes:
Word is that a major hollywood studio is picking up the rights to that last Cowboys game, calling it the best drama they've seen since Citizen Kane. A preliminary script is out.

The 2nd Jake

3PM. Dallas/Fort Worth time. The Cowboys Cheerleaders are looking smokin', the pole-dancers in the stadium are doing their thing. Fans are noshing down on $12 cheesesteaks and pounding ice cold $8 beers. There's blonde hair and big boobs for 100 square miles. It's one of the biggest games of the season for the 'Boys. Cowboys fans are very nearly showing emotion. TONY ROMO (played by Paul Rudd) is throwin' some warm up passes and just running through the route tree with JASON WITTEN (played by Chris Pratt). Jerry Jones (CGI, voice of Skeletor) is introducing a crowd of 44 Japanese Businessmen to his private suite and offering them the opportunity to purchase DWAYNE HARRIS (also CGI, just use model for Jar-Jar Binks) for a fat pile of cash. JASON GARRETT (played by the Howdy Doody Puppet) suddenly appears and throws a second ball to JASON WITTEN at the same time as TONY ROMO. He jabs TONY ROMO with a finger in the ribs as JASON WITTEN simultaneously catches both balls and stacks them on top of each other while standing on one foot. "SWEET GEORGIA BROWN" plays.

JASON GARRETT: The process is nearly compete. Are you ready to process? We're going to totally football these OPPONENTS with our PROCESS! I hope you're prepared.
TONY ROMO: Yeah, I'm ready. Let's take it to these guys.
JASON GARRETT: Process confirmed. Commence playing hand-egg. BEEP.
TONY ROMO: Did you just say "BEEP"?

The Game starts. ELI MANNING (played by Topher Grace) throws a JUMP BALL to a nameless receiver. It bounces off two Cowboys players, a hot dog stand, the end-zone pylon and the roof before being corralled for a 54 yard gain. The Giants kick a field goal. It is good. The Cowboys receive the kick and TONY ROMO trots out onto the field. JASON GARRETT's voice crackles into Tony Romo's helmet.


TONY ROMO throws several passes. MILES AUSTIN (played by Multi-Platinum Rap Star "Drake") catches one for 23 yards.

JASON GARRETT: Pass to Bryant, drag route.
TONY ROMO: Hell no. Last time I threw anything more complicated than a straight line to Dez somebody stepped on my face on the way to the end-zone.
JASON GARRETT: Trust me. He'll come through.

Tony Romo throws a Drag Route to DEZ BRYANT (played by Taye Diggs). DEZ BRYANT runs a combination of a GO ROUTE and THE DOUGIE. The ball is INTERCEPTED. TONY ROMO and DEZ BRYANT walk to the sideline.

TONY ROMO: I'm not even mad. I'm sure as hell not surprised. What the fark (if this is PG replace "fark" with "laserbeam") were you thinking?!

THE GIANTS take over in the Red Zone. The Dallas Cowboys defense HOLDS them to a field goal. You don't have to even show this part. Nobody cares about defensive players. The Cowboys receive the kickoff.

TONY ROMO: Wait, seriously?! Jesus Christ it's a miracle. (If this is PG replace "JESUS CHRIST" with "CUPCAKE PARTY")

The Cowboys gain 5 yards on two consecutive runs. The run is SUPER EFFECTIVE.


TONY ROMO throws a DEEP BALL to MILES AUSTIN. MILES AUSTIN gracefully pirouettes and then FALLS DOWN. The pass is INTERCEPTED. TONY ROMO walks back to the bench and sits down. ROB RYAN (played by Jeff Bridges) sits down next to TONY ROMO.

ROB RYAN: Was worth a shot. Didn't work out but that happens sometimes.
TONY ROMO: Thanks for the encouragement, Rob. It's rare that anyone says anything to me but, "I hate you." You know, it really feels good to get some credit...
TONY ROMO is interrupted when ROB RYAN leans back to reveal a SNACK VENDOR holding a pen and pad.
ROB RYAN: Sorry about that Tony, I was talking to Roberto here. He just checked to see if I could get a jar of mayonnaise to eat during TV timeouts. Turns out they don't sell mayonnaise here. Not even Crisco. Who would have guessed? What were you saying?
TONY ROMO: Nothing.

A single tear falls down TONY ROMO's cheek. THE GIANTS score a Touchdown. TONY ROMO takes the field. TONY ROMO checks down to FELIX JONES (played by Dave Chappelle) but JASON PIERRE-PAUL (played by Donald Glover) activates his INSPECTOR GADGET ARMS and INTERCEPTS the ball and then runs it in for 6 POINTS. JERRY JONES's voice comes through on TONY ROMO'S HELMET

JERRY JONES: Uhh, Tony. Listen. I've got 30 large riding on this game with Mr. Hakimoto. Do me a favor and try to win this one. Oh by the way sorry about the sun in your eyes. I just thought it would look cool if part of our field was constantly bombarded with blinding lights. Really gives it a sparkle. Thanks a lot champ.

FAST FORWARD to HALFTIME. The Cowboys score twice but it's NOT IMPORTANT. The team is assembled in the locker room. FELIX JONES is quietly rubbing his gloves with WD-40. JASON GARRETT is delivering an INSPIRING SPEECH.

JASON GARRETT: It is imperative to the PROCESS that you play more efficiently. We will be playing efficiently to PROCESS. Speak the words "EFFICIENT" while doing simultaneous digit contact when we all reach the number three.

Video montage shows TONY ROMO taking the lead by passing EVERYTHING to JASON WITTEN, set to the "PERFECT STRANGERS" theme song. Cut to comical shot of Jason Garrett blowing a fuse at first, but then doing the ROBOT. Fade to black on the line "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now". Fade in to TONY ROMO taking the field down 2 points. TONY ROMO completes his BAZZILIONTH pass.

TONY ROMO: NOW YOU WANT TO RUN!? I JUST TOOK US FROM 23 POINTS DOWN BY THROWING MY GODDAMN (if this is PG replace "goddamn" with "MAN, THIS IS GOOD FLAN") arm off. Fine, we're running.

FELIX JONES runs 2 yards and then the ball pops out like an OCTOMOM BABY. THE GIANTS recover. ELI MANNING completes a 5 yard pass on 3rd and 8 and settles for a field goal. Camera cuts to JON GRUDEN (played by Jeff Daniels) in his hotel room.

JON GRUDEN covers the inside of his pants with Gruden Juice (TM). Camera pans to TV to reveal that JON GRUDEN was watching a commercial for JIF PEANUT BUTTER. TONY ROMO returns to the field and leads an 80 yard drive to the Giants 19 yard line for 2nd and 1.

TONY ROMO: It's 2nd and 1!

TONY ROMO throws 2 passes that hit his receivers in the hands, one for a first down and one for the game-winning Touchdown. Both are dropped. 4TH down.

TONY ROMO: Yes, I get it, PASS PASS PASS PASS PASS. Fine, here it goes.

TONY ROMO takes the snap and is immediately rushed by 3 GIANTS defenders who run through the offensive line like they're PATRICK SWAYZE IN GHOST OR PATRICK SWAYZE CURRENTLY. TONY ROMO tries to avoid three defenders but realizes he isn't SPIDERMAN and just throws it to JASON WITTEN. The pass is INTERCEPTED. The crowd is somehow SURPRISED.

TONY ROMO: GOD. farkING. DAMMIT. (if this is PG, replace this with "YO GABBA GABBA")

The Cowboys defense miraculously holds. TONY ROMO stumbles back to the offensive huddle.

TONY ROMO: What the FROGNOZZLE (this doesn't need to be replaced) are you talking about?!
DEZ BRYANT: @TONYROMO just throw me the ball I'll catch it, I promise.
TONY ROMO: Ok, but you better catch it. I swear to god if I throw it into the end zone and you run a farking (replace this with "FIZZbiatch" or "PHALANX") curl route on the 15 yard line I will eviscerate you with a hot knife in the parking lot and sell your intestines to your mother.

TONY ROMO throws a laser touchdown pass to DEZ BRYANT. The play is UP FOR REVIEW.

OFFICIAL: "Upon further review, Dez Bryant still sucks. Call overturned."

The Cowboys Lose. ELI MANNING and TONY ROMO meet in the middle of the field for the post game handshake.

TONY ROMO: Good game. We'll see you next year and we're going to actually win.

"Tears of a Clown" plays over the final breakdown of the characters. DEZ BRYANT goes on to be a successful tire salesman in Oklahoma. MILES AUSTIN's ACL explodes in the locker room and he DIES. JASON WITTEN enters the hall of fame and retires a wealthy man. JERRY JONES lives to be 135 years old. ELI MANNING is somehow a 2-time HALL OF FAME inductee and gives TONY ROMO a job at his chain of PUDDING STORE assisting COOPER MANNING (played by Tagg Romney). TONY ROMO later hangs himself in the bathroom.
2012-10-30 03:13:15 PM  
2 votes:
Worst 7-0 team in NFL history!

2012-10-30 04:14:26 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: I want to say that it's because we really just don't have many late afternoon games. They're either noon or a night game. I'll look it up later for a comparison. I have to *spit* do other things like *hork* work right now. Ew.

blocked, but i'll hceck later.

Adolf Oliver Nipples: I loved the bumblebee uniforms, too, though I found myself singing "No Rain" all afternoon. Then it rained. Go figure.

i may or may not have started a song parody titled "No Rape" that was going no where which I may or may not have abandoned, assuming i in fact started sucha a parody WHICH YOU CAN'T PROVE.

/all i can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like to go in bars and just rape.
all i can do is block the door with my shoe
and while the cops guard the door, i just rape.
it's a's a mistaah, hay, hay, hake
to ray, hay, hay, hape.

2012-10-30 03:59:27 PM  
1 vote:


I lol'd. That line gets me every time!
2012-10-30 03:50:47 PM  
1 vote:
The Broncos break the Top 10! XD
2012-10-30 03:38:50 PM  
1 vote:

Treygreen13: Just seems like a slam dunk late game to me. The biggest NFL franchise struggling to stay in the race versus an undefeated Falcons team struggling to stay perfect.

What? There's nothing interesting about that. Now watch this graph:


Uninteresting factoids:

Change from Week 1 to this week :
Two 15 point drops: Saints & Chiefs
One 19 point jump: Vikings

Two teams ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE (back at their Week 1 rankings): 49ers, Cowboys*

Number of times rankings have changed:
12 teams have changed every week
7 teams have changed all but once
2 teams have moved thrice: Jaguars & Browns

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation: Jaguars with 2
Highest fluctuation: Vikings with 22
Average fluctuation: 9.813

Overall fluctuation travel:
Smallest: Jaguars & Browns with 4
Highest: Seahawks with 41

Teams hitting their highest rank this week: Raiders, Dolphins, Browns, & Colts
Teams hitting their lowest rank this week: Ravens, Eagles, Chargers, Bills, & Panthers

Ten teams did not change rank: I ain't listin all of 'em, dammit

Five teams have held the #1 spot 

2012-10-30 03:26:37 PM  
1 vote:
the 49ers are too dang low!
2012-10-30 03:20:01 PM  
1 vote:

bulldg4life: Worst 7-0 team in NFL history!


it really is remarkable. youll finish.....ehhh..........well let's take a look:

Dallas (win)
@ Saints (win)
Cardinals (win)
@ TB (win)
Saints (win)
@ Caro (win)
NYG (ehhhh)
@ DET (ehhhh)
TB (split, as you won't beat them twice)

you'll go 13-3 or maybe "just" 12-4, then host a GB or perhaps SFO team and get that ass ragdolled.
2012-10-30 03:17:19 PM  
1 vote:

IAmRight: Hey Treygreen, I also found that, if ESPN's stats are to be believed, that the Bengals have recovered MORE fumbles than they've forced. (They've apparently recovered 6 and only forced 5).

There have been several fumbles this year (at least 2 that I can think of) where the receiver was running well after the catch and just dropped the ball switching hands. That is an unforced fumble. So is a muffed punt/kick. So is a botched QB-Center exchange. So is a back running into his own man and fumbling.

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