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(ESPN)   ESPN's Week 9 NFL Power Rankings: Falcons maintain grip on top spot, while New York treads water in second and Indy surges into the top 15   ( divider line
    More: Cool, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, away games, Albert Haynesworth, rankings, Kevin Kolb, Jags, Mike Shanahan, Matt Hasselbeck  
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4215 clicks; posted to Sports » on 30 Oct 2012 at 3:02 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-10-30 09:37:18 PM  
2 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement. That we are, while at the same time solemnly reflecting on a horrible disaster. Millions, including this intrepid chronicle of abject failure, are without power. Many feet of water have submerged a boardwalk teeming with memories of happy carnival days and gloriously STD-ridden nights. There have even been many deaths attributed to this terrible storm, and that's certainly nothing to joke about. But while we stay at rapt attention watching coverage of one hurricane, this induction ceremony seeks to examine the hurricane that rages within the very gunslinging soul of this week's winner.

Indeed, there seems to be an unholy struggle taking place at all times within Antonio Ramiro Buongiorno Thesituationo Romo. Will he be a turnover-prone clown this week? Maybe, if the better angels of his nature don't win out. Can his QB rating be as high during all four quarters as it has been in the 4th quarter since 2009? Perhaps, if the personal demons that lead him to turn his blasted baseball cap around backwards don't emerge victorious.

So it has been throughout his unlikely path to the NFL, from Eastern Illinois University to the bright lights of Big D.

So it was in Week 8.

Of course, other events in the past week's slate of games had an impact here - natch, the week prior as well. The tarnish on last week's trophy was almost too much to bear as The "Winner" Who Shall Not Be Named somehow conquered the field with a pathetic 33.3, and prior to his game kicking off, it seemed as if such a tragedy might once more befall this award. The leaderboard was once again deadlocked with several names intertwined at only a pair of turnovers apiece. The discussion thread was filled with worry that there would once more be a winner without distinction. Without honor. Without any of the similar adjectives that also describe The Bad Day.


But I digress.

Looking ahead at games yet to be played, we knew we had some hope for the future. John Skelton was going on Monday night. Cutler and Newton were slugging it out on the field, but both somehow fell short, with the Best in the World frustratingly just adding his name to the gridlock. "Hey, there's always Carson Palmer and Brady Quinn squaring off," we figured, "one of them are bound to take the solo lead." As uncertainty reigned, however, a cowboy took the field and took everyone's breath away...

...with peals of laughter, with gasps of disbelief, with howls of incredulousness as our hero quickly tucked us all in and provided the warm glass of milk that is a 3-interception first quarter. So warm and snuggly in our Delhomme dreams that we began hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, this quarterback might just succeed where another had so recently failed.

And then that damn devil had to come out to play.

That nasty, evil demon that so malevolently whispered in his ear, "But don't you want to actually win the game?"

It was as if a spigot had suddenly been turned off. The riverbank, at once dry and barren. Suddenly, the Tony that wanted to make his own fans happy had emerged, and he started showing off what can happen when he actually aims his passes at his own receivers. A 23-0 Giants lead in the early second quarter had been transformed into a 24-23 Dallas advantage as the 4th quarter commenced. True, the Giants retook the lead quickly thereafter, but it was cool. Tony was at work and the Cowboys had cruised down the field straight into the New York red zone.

Without warning, the struggle started anew. Passes started missing their targets. A short incompletion into the dirt on 2nd down. An overthrown deep ball on 3rd. All of a sudden, 4th down had struck, 63 seconds was left on the clock, and the two sides of Tony were wrestling for gridiron glory.

As the ball was softly cradled to the sternum of a Giant defender and a second 2012 Jake victory virtually assured, Antonio strutted to the sideline, took a sip of Gatorade, and flipped around an imaginary baseball cap. "Job well done," he told himself. "That whiny pussy Tony may complain, but I - three and out? Oh, fanculo!"

The war within was reborn. 60 yards of Texas grass was trampled underfoot as the march downfield started over. A beautiful bomb was launched at the back of the endzone and, shocker of ALL shockers, Dez Bryant had actually caught it! The Cowboys had completed the comeback! Tony had settled the storm inside himself and had won the day!

Sadly, while Tony and Antonio are at perpetual war in the same body, in Dez Bryant's there is no such strife. There is only...Dez.

Having one last throw at hand, the battle began one final time. There were more stupid faces being made underneath that helmet than can be seen at a Rivers family reunion. The ball was snapped, he faded back into the pocket, and his arm was flung forward.

With the ball still sailing between the uprights, Antonio smirked and started readying his acceptance speech. Somewhere deep inside, sweet Tony had once more learned a vital lesson that never quite seems to take, a lesson first spoken by a man who knows that killing him won't bring back your Goddamned honey.

Never go to war. Especially with yourself.

For throwing 4 interceptions while keeping the outcome in the game firmly in the doubt, for finally surrendering to making everyone but his own fans laugh and cheer, for giving us a winning performance with which we could all be happy, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 8 of the 2012 NFL season to Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys.

Tony, any words?

"Tony's not in right now. May I take a message? MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Should've known.

/written via rapidly-dying iPod
//don't say I've never done anything for you, lol
2012-10-30 03:16:20 PM  
2 votes:

bulldg4life: Worst 7-0 team in NFL history!


No national attention. Almost no respect. I'll take it. Hell, I am ready to go full Matt Chernoff and ring the bell on the division, but I won't because we know what will happen then.
2012-10-31 12:22:05 AM  
1 vote:
Glad you are alive Rob. Great job as always!
2012-10-30 04:59:21 PM  
1 vote:


It's where the Chargers are.

I can't wait till Norv and AJ are shown the door.
2012-10-30 04:51:40 PM  
1 vote:

Neeek: /I'm seriously shocked it's not the record for fewest running yards allowed in a game.

and whisenhunt kept saying "we missed too many tackles". need to put poitns on the board, Ken.

ugh. what a nightmare season. no QB, no line, no RB. and we have drafted those positions so awfully.

i wonder if there will be a trade. chatter about Vick coming here but that's dumb. yeah, because we can protect so well.
2012-10-30 04:24:23 PM  
1 vote:
Am I the only one who thinks the Falcons will again be one and done in the playoffs?
2012-10-30 03:38:50 PM  
1 vote:

Treygreen13: Just seems like a slam dunk late game to me. The biggest NFL franchise struggling to stay in the race versus an undefeated Falcons team struggling to stay perfect.

What? There's nothing interesting about that. Now watch this graph:


Uninteresting factoids:

Change from Week 1 to this week :
Two 15 point drops: Saints & Chiefs
One 19 point jump: Vikings

Two teams ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE (back at their Week 1 rankings): 49ers, Cowboys*

Number of times rankings have changed:
12 teams have changed every week
7 teams have changed all but once
2 teams have moved thrice: Jaguars & Browns

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation: Jaguars with 2
Highest fluctuation: Vikings with 22
Average fluctuation: 9.813

Overall fluctuation travel:
Smallest: Jaguars & Browns with 4
Highest: Seahawks with 41

Teams hitting their highest rank this week: Raiders, Dolphins, Browns, & Colts
Teams hitting their lowest rank this week: Ravens, Eagles, Chargers, Bills, & Panthers

Ten teams did not change rank: I ain't listin all of 'em, dammit

Five teams have held the #1 spot 

2012-10-30 03:26:37 PM  
1 vote:
the 49ers are too dang low!
2012-10-30 03:26:30 PM  
1 vote:
I hope Robsul is OK.
2012-10-30 03:23:27 PM  
1 vote:

IAmRight: Treygreen13: 1. Offensive Pass Interference is a penalty usually reserved for receivers. This Quarterback managed to draw a flag for Offensive Pass Interference this week - one of the strangest penalty calls in recent memory.

2. Thanks to another game of absolutely obscene statistics usually reserved for guys who complete 1 pass, this QB leads the NFL in completion percentage for the season.

3. This player is the story of two stats. He is statistically in the bottom 5 in QB Rating on the road. But at home, he has the best QB Rating in the NFL.

Robert Griffin III
..ummm...Tim Tebow?
...Russell Wilson?

Team No. 2 is the Saints. That's all I know.

I would think number 3 QB would be Flacco.
2012-10-30 03:20:01 PM  
1 vote:

bulldg4life: Worst 7-0 team in NFL history!


it really is remarkable. youll finish.....ehhh..........well let's take a look:

Dallas (win)
@ Saints (win)
Cardinals (win)
@ TB (win)
Saints (win)
@ Caro (win)
NYG (ehhhh)
@ DET (ehhhh)
TB (split, as you won't beat them twice)

you'll go 13-3 or maybe "just" 12-4, then host a GB or perhaps SFO team and get that ass ragdolled.
2012-10-30 03:13:15 PM  
1 vote:
Worst 7-0 team in NFL history!

2012-10-30 03:10:29 PM  
1 vote:
Alright, I gotta get something off my chest, here.

I was at the bar with the gf and some friends. All Packer fans except me. So I'm watching other games, too. I was watching Washington trying to go down the field near the end of the game. RG3 steps back in the pocket, throws and then I watch a defensive player take 3 steps and drill him into the ground. The pass was incomplete, and they had to punt. I couldn't believe no one threw a flag on it. Had it been Tom Brady there would have been 4 flags, National Guard and Bob Kraft's personal security detail on the field to haul the guy off to jail. I'm not a Redskin fan, but that pissed me off when I saw that.
2012-10-30 03:03:42 PM  
1 vote:
Heyo thanks for the earlier green, modmins.
2012-10-30 03:02:25 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: Treygreen13: I can't believe the Cowboys moved up a spot. Seriously. WTF.

For once, the blurb explained it all. That WAS quite the spectacular comeback & the defense deserves an ass-ton of credit for it.

I was going to argue that you shouldn't really move up after a loss, but I'm having trouble finding a team below them that would take their spot. The closest team that won was the Colts (who moved up 8 spots) and then the Bucs, but the Cows have a win over them. The Lions could be over them since they won.
2012-10-30 02:53:29 PM  
1 vote:
I can't believe the Cowboys moved up a spot. Seriously. WTF.
2012-10-30 12:19:35 PM  
1 vote:
We only lost two positions? Dammit, I was kinda hoping to be dropped further in order to cement us as roller-coaster team of the year.

Wilson continues to improve and the main problem with the team is that, while we're the best in the league at forcing third-and-long, we're the sh*ttiest at defending third-and-long. I actually root for opposing teams to gain yardage on first and second downs because we're better at stopping them if they're at 3rd and 2 than we are if they're at 3rd and 10 (or at least it feels that way).
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