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(YouTube)   Dammit, Hollywood   (youtube.com ) divider line
    More: Stupid, high definitions  
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21366 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Oct 2012 at 5:40 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-29 06:13:00 PM  
Wow, the writing is exceptionally bad in that trailer, even by Hollywood standards. Burn Hollywood, burn!

/ you still can't remember the first verse, can you?
 
2012-10-29 06:13:09 PM  

buttery_shame_cave: so... basically this is a story where *deep breath*

van helsing meets snow white and they have babies who are hansel and gretel who wind up surviving the candy house incident because van helsing had his friend the tailor teach them giant slaying kung fu and they teamed up with Q from james bond's great great great great grandfather so he could build them gadgets that his apprentice nikolai tesla designs(but doesn't get any credit, cause fark that tesla dude), and they go around hunting witches for profit until they find the last surviving witch who gave her heart to the evil king and now they have to lead the commoners in a revolt against the king only the only way to kill the king is to slay the witch who's now become like a mother figure to them, but she gives her life in a final blaze of heroic glory and floats up to the heavens and becomes a star that watches down on everyone and then arthur throws excalibur into the lake while his roman soldiers get to ride home.

*gaaaasp*


Hell, if it was THAT good, there's a chance I'd go to see it.
 
2012-10-29 06:16:04 PM  

ciberido: The concept is exactly the kind of movie I'd like to see, but the execution looks terrible.


Sadly, I think I agree.
 
2012-10-29 06:19:29 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2012-10-29 06:19:42 PM  
Wait... so Gretel, the ACTUAL witch killer from the story... gets kidnapped while her lazy dim brother from the same story is the hero. You've already isolated me, Hollywood.
 
2012-10-29 06:20:46 PM  
So...there were heavy metal rock bands in the late 16th century, good to know
 
2012-10-29 06:25:41 PM  

IlGreven: Actually, I'd like to see this version of the story released:

Bella's first boyfriend from Twilight and the daughter from Castle are potheads who are lured in by special herb made by an old hag, played appropriately by Lara Flynn Boyle.


thanks for the head's up on that! hadn't heard of that yet
 
2012-10-29 06:26:00 PM  
That looks really bad.

However, I will watch anything with Peter Stormare so I will see this
 
2012-10-29 06:26:49 PM  

StoPPeRmobile: [media30.onsugar.com image 550x368]


I recognize the three actors sitting in front, but who are the three men sitting behind them?
 
2012-10-29 06:30:44 PM  

The only thing that would be better would be:

Hansel & Gretel Part 2 - Hansel & Gretel Join the A-Team

 
2012-10-29 06:31:31 PM  
Jeremy Renner I am a disappoint.
 
2012-10-29 06:34:27 PM  
I'd probably watch it on cable, but not at theatre prices.
 
2012-10-29 06:36:27 PM  
Actually looks like fun. Course the last monster killer movie was BIG bust...
 
2012-10-29 06:37:19 PM  

i_dig_chicks: Jeremy Renner I am a disappoint.


Why? His face is big mushy lump of bland. Much like his personality.
 
2012-10-29 06:37:34 PM  

i_dig_chicks: Jeremy Renner I am a disappoint.


To be fair, I don't think he's ever impressed anyone.
 
2012-10-29 06:43:50 PM  

scottydoesntknow: So it's an R rated Van Helsing?

Meh, I'll probably watch it when it hits DVD.


No, THIS is the new Van Helsing.
 
2012-10-29 06:44:21 PM  

JohnCarter: So...there were heavy metal rock bands in the late 16th century, good to know


Well, they actually had them in the 14th century too, if you remember A Knight's Tale.

This looks like a workable concept except that Gemma Arteton's delivery is terrrrrribbbbllllle.
Has she actually been good in anything, ever?

/when I say "workable concept" I'm not denying it would be a long shot
//Stardust did comedy + medieval fantasy pitch perfectly, but that was a Gaiman story
 
2012-10-29 06:45:11 PM  

propasaurus: scottydoesntknow: So it's an R rated Van Helsing?

Meh, I'll probably watch it when it hits DVD.

No, THIS is the new Van Helsing.


Damn bad link

No, THIS is the new Van Helsing.
 
2012-10-29 06:46:34 PM  
How about Hansel and Gretal are prisoners of a renegade Nazi rocket commander who plans to wrap Hansel in an erotic plastic and shoot him into space. And it turns out Gretel is acting as an Allied spy?

Nah, it would never work.
 
2012-10-29 06:47:29 PM  
Well, as a Gemma Arterton fan I can... Okay, yeah, I can wait for the DVD. I've liked her acting after Prince of Persia and Clash of the Titans (although she played essentially the same role in each) but, at the same time, I question her taste in action/adventure scripts.

/A good actor can make a bad movie watchable.
 
2012-10-29 06:48:14 PM  

Canton: Well, as a Gemma Arterton fan I can... Okay, yeah, I can wait for the DVD. I've liked her acting after since Prince of Persia and Clash of the Titans (although she played essentially the same role in each) but, at the same time, I question her taste in action/adventure scripts.

/A good actor can make a bad movie watchable.


//ftfm
 
2012-10-29 06:49:05 PM  

ciberido: StoPPeRmobile: [media30.onsugar.com image 550x368]

I recognize the three actors sitting in front, but who are the three men sitting behind them?


Well, they are probably producers because the one on the far left is Sean Hayes from "Will & Grace" fame, one of the show's producers.
 
2012-10-29 06:49:57 PM  

Seth'n'Spectrum: Well, they actually had them in the 14th century too, if you remember A Knight's Tale.


Wasn't that David Bowie?

That movie sucked. Watched it on TV on a boring day; and then only because of Heath Ledger.

/he was pretty
 
2012-10-29 06:53:21 PM  
This could have been good, if Joss Whedon had written and directed it. As it is, yeah, Van Helsing with boobs.
 
2012-10-29 07:01:59 PM  

Seth'n'Spectrum: This looks like a workable concept except that Gemma Arteton's delivery is terrrrrribbbbllllle.
Has she actually been good in anything, ever?


Yes
 
2012-10-29 07:02:42 PM  

Lionel Mandrake: [encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com image 203x248]

DO NOT APPROVE


They aren't the battling, bickering, Bernoulli brothers. Who the hell are they?

/my mind mimics mush
 
2012-10-29 07:05:38 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: That movie sucked. Watched it on TV on a boring day; and then only because of Heath Ledger.

/he was pretty


So was Shannon Sossamon. What happened to her career anyways? She wasn't bad at all.

Teufelaffe: Yes


Will add to list.
 
2012-10-29 07:11:19 PM  
Looks like the Matrix meets Grimm's Tales.
 
2012-10-29 07:12:11 PM  

Snapper Carr: That looks really bad.

However, I will watch anything with Peter Stormare so I will see this


Likewise.

Yomikeyvantustounpimpthingthingletmehearyousayvat
 
2012-10-29 07:14:05 PM  
Hey, another movie tinted entirely in blue and orange!
 
2012-10-29 07:15:21 PM  

GoodyearPimp: To those saying this isn't a giant piece of shiat: You're the reason movies like this are made. Likewise you're the reason movies are shiat.


I like the power.
 
2012-10-29 07:17:11 PM  

DemDave: Didn't they already make this movie with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger?


Also, 

www.cyberpunkreview.com 

i.imgur.com
 
2012-10-29 07:26:50 PM  
I'll probably see it. Gotta support the local boy in his acting endeavors.
 
2012-10-29 07:36:42 PM  
Ha-ha! that looks stupid and possibly fun, but probably they'll fark it up and it'll just be stupid.
 
2012-10-29 07:38:24 PM  

dprathbun: Lionel Mandrake: [encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com image 203x248]

DO NOT APPROVE

They aren't the battling, bickering, Bernoulli brothers. Who the hell are they?

/my mind mimics mush


the brothers Grimm, i believe.

Seth'n'Spectrum: CapeFearCadaver: That movie sucked. Watched it on TV on a boring day; and then only because of Heath Ledger.

/he was pretty

So was Shannon Sossamon. What happened to her career anyways? She wasn't bad at all.

.


she's been around, here, there. not working a TON, but working. mostly in more 'independant' material, kinda/sorta/notreally artsy, but not a ton of major release stuff.

and i seem to recall she's a drummer and a DJ, so prolly doing stuff with that too.
 
2012-10-29 07:39:10 PM  

scottydoesntknow: So it's an R rated Van Helsing?

Meh, I'll probably watch it when it hits DVD.


Sirboss37: I think it looks fun... will wait for DVD though


Canton: Well, as a Gemma Arterton fan I can... Okay, yeah, I can wait for the DVD.


ALL OF YOU: TURN IN YOUR GEEK CARD.

If you haven't upgraded to Blu-ray by now I don't know why you're on the internet!
 
2012-10-29 07:41:25 PM  
IMDB has it showing as PG-13.
 
2012-10-29 07:44:18 PM  
fark you Taluca Lake!!!! Why are we cussing at cities now? I don't really care, it's fun.
 
2012-10-29 07:50:32 PM  

peterthx:
ALL OF YOU: TURN IN YOUR GEEK CARD.

If you haven't upgraded to Blu-ray by now I don't know why you're on the internet!


Geeks tend to be the early adopters of cool new technologies but unlike the mostly positive factors of DVD they largely skipped the blu-ray generation. You're probably more of a "big bang theory fan" geek.

25.media.tumblr.com
 
2012-10-29 07:59:04 PM  

Snapper Carr: That looks really bad.

However, I will watch anything with Peter Stormare so I will see this


i231.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-29 07:59:31 PM  

the opposite of charity is justice: Geeks tend to be the early adopters of cool new technologies but unlike the mostly positive factors of DVD they largely skipped the blu-ray generation. You're probably more of a "big bang theory fan" geek.


That doesn't make a lick of sense.

pocketnow.com
 
2012-10-29 08:02:07 PM  

Amazon Frog is not Impressed

images.nationalgeographic.com

 
2012-10-29 08:07:10 PM  

peterthx: scottydoesntknow: So it's an R rated Van Helsing?

Meh, I'll probably watch it when it hits DVD.

Sirboss37: I think it looks fun... will wait for DVD though

Canton: Well, as a Gemma Arterton fan I can... Okay, yeah, I can wait for the DVD.

ALL OF YOU: TURN IN YOUR GEEK CARD.

If you haven't upgraded to Blu-ray by now I don't know why you're on the internet!


Too may letters... Figured Blu-ray was implied... And I'm more of a book nerd than a geek...
 
2012-10-29 08:11:25 PM  

peterthx: scottydoesntknow: So it's an R rated Van Helsing?

Meh, I'll probably watch it when it hits DVD.

Sirboss37: I think it looks fun... will wait for DVD though

Canton: Well, as a Gemma Arterton fan I can... Okay, yeah, I can wait for the DVD.

ALL OF YOU: TURN IN YOUR GEEK CARD.

If you haven't upgraded to Blu-ray by now I don't know why you're on the internet!


Dude, I watch movies on my laptop. It plays DVDs. Why should I pay more for a separate Blu-ray player, a television (I don't have one), and then more for Blu-Ray discs? I am a poor college student geek who doesn't watch enough movies to justify Netflix, and I like to have physical copies of my media. Used or cheap DVDs are a good way to go.

Sheesh.
 
2012-10-29 08:29:45 PM  
quizzical
Really, Hawkeye? You're making Avengers money now, and this is the best script you could get?


Doesn't seem so different from Avengers; he just seems to be wearing a shirt under his black gear and seems to be more into non-existing crossbows than a non-existing bow to splatter hordes of monsters.
 
2012-10-29 08:30:45 PM  

scottydoesntknow: So it's an R rated Van Helsing?

Meh, I'll probably watch it when it hits DVD.


OMG that was my thought - I told my husband that the trailer had the same feel to it as VH (which
we both loved)
 
2012-10-29 08:33:28 PM  

ThatDarkFellow: "We kill witches, what do you do?"

Seriously. That isn't even the good kind of cheesy. At least in Wanted it fit with the context. I'm sure we'll see Beauty and the Beast retooled with Belle as the lone demon hunter chasing after the one thing that murdered her family, the Beast...or so she thought! *BOOM* Belle shooting akimbo style, running upside from the ceiling while Rage Against the Machine plays in the background.


The Beauty and the Beast TV series (the one w/ Linda Hamilton) has already been re-made
into this horribly god-awful twenty-something angsty thing starring the chick that played Lana
in Smallville.
 
2012-10-29 08:35:01 PM  

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: Obviously this movie is preposterous because Hansel and Gretel never weigh any of the witches before they kill them.


Damn you! Do you even KNOW how uncomfortable it is to snort jamocha milk shake out of your nose?
 
2012-10-29 08:35:41 PM  
Doesn't look that awful to me, but they mis cast the lead male. Should have either had the "THIS IS MY BOOM STICK" guy from the army of darkness. That would have rocked. But still, doesn't look too horrible.
 
2012-10-29 08:43:13 PM  

Bit'O'Gristle: Doesn't look that awful to me, but they mis cast the lead male. Should have either had the "THIS IS MY BOOM STICK" guy from the army of darkness. That would have rocked. But still, doesn't look too horrible.


His name is Bruce Campbell.

/you're welcome
 
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