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(Neatorama)   Potential employer goes all schoolteacher on applicant's cover letter   (neatorama.com) divider line 24
    More: Amusing, cover letters, NeatoShop, job searches, employees  
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9471 clicks; posted to Business » on 27 Oct 2012 at 11:10 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-10-27 11:38:10 AM  
7 votes:

SmackLT: she should also consider herself lucky she didn't land a job working with a pedantic prick.


Marcus Aurelius: Must be nice to be an HR person in this job market and still have that much free time to mark up an application that you were just going to trash anyway.


Dear Job Seeker,

Thank you for taking a lot of time to write up a cover letter, resume, and reference sheet. I'm sure that you're really desperate for a stable job and currently are putting in a lot and effort into creating a lot of paperwork designed to give me an overview of your skills and personality without actually having to meet you. Thank you for allowing me this so I can throw your ego out the window.

You see, I can tell several things about you via your cover letter. First, it doesn't 'grab' me at all. Therefore, it goes in the trash. I'm sure you put a lot of hard work into it, which allows me the opportunity to gut your education. Since you don't speak proper English or have enough money to hire a proofreader, this automatically means you're a subpar piece of shiat I can take glee ripping on. And let's be honest, all of this is nonsense, isn't it? I'm just going to hire someone I know and skip the illusion that moving upward has anything to do with skill or talent. No, it is just a popularity contest that favors the lucky few that either learn quickly, happen to make me like them immediately, or follow an arbitrary set of rules designed to see just how desperate you are for a job.

It's pretty cruel, isn't it? I mean, you're just putting yourself out there for work so you can eat and have some sort of standard of living, and I'm using my power to rip you apart for no other reason than I can. Your cover letter may look like shiat, but that could be a variety of things like poor education (which our company should help pay for via taxes, since we have to hire from that population) to a few honest mistakes that any human being can make. But you know what? Too bad. You should be honored to work for our company and we only take the best...or those we know. That makes me job a lot easier, so I don't really have to work.

In short, thanks for applying. Take heart that you're one of the five people I decided to write a response letter to. I have about four hundred resumes on my desk that I'm just going to throw away without any sort of answer or response at all. Well, I might get around to bulk emailing a few months after the fact, but that's just business, isn't it? Anyway, good luck with your job search. I'm sure you'll recover slowly from my pointless and cruel critique during this difficult and scary time and go right back out to get kicked in the teeth again. See how a simple bit of encouragement just masks how malicious and vile I'm being? That's true professionalism.

If you have any questions, please contact me at this number nobody ever checks.

Sincerely,

Human Resources Manager

P.S. - I've already put your name out to our security team in case you want to put a bullet through my useless paper-shoving head.
2012-10-27 12:14:15 PM  
6 votes:
KEEP CLAM

and

CARRY ON
2012-10-27 08:58:19 AM  
6 votes:
Give the poor girl a break. She was just trying to communicate how well she communicates with her excellent communication skills.

/communicate
2012-10-27 10:42:53 AM  
4 votes:
that cover letter was so f*cked up I thought I was reading a Fark headline.
2012-10-27 07:58:14 AM  
4 votes:
That employer doesn't have a clam attitude.
2012-10-27 05:37:44 PM  
3 votes:

douchebag/hater: It's 'SUBURU' not 'Sueberu', 'Subarru' or 'Seubero'


It's Subaru, actually.
2012-10-27 07:54:58 AM  
3 votes:
The applicant should take that critique to heart and fix her cover letter.
 
she should also consider herself lucky she didn't land a job working with a pedantic prick.
2012-10-27 12:23:06 PM  
2 votes:

Araltaln: starlost: i hate the your email service isn't the most impressive one at the moment so use a more popular one douchebags.

I think I might rip on the applicant's username no matter what domain is hiding under the ink, unless her last name actually is "Stylist" (and possibly even then).

That said, the blogger fails as a pedant as well. He has a number of valid points, to be sure, but look towards the end:

... in a successful organized and well-run company.

He corrects that to:

... in a successfully organized and well-run company.

I'm reasonably confident the applicant doesn't want to say (and he doesn't want to hear) that the company is successfully organized; the company is successful and it is organized. (Hopefully it is both of those, at least.) That is, the real correction should be to:

... in a successful, organized, and well-run company.


Sure, if you're one of those Oxford comma heathens!
2012-10-27 08:57:40 AM  
2 votes:
I don't see why this guy should jump on someone applying for a bookkeeper position like that. That's one position where you don't want someone smart.
2012-10-29 11:17:41 AM  
1 votes:
I'm surprised they found a candidate with that much literacy. For a bookkeeping position, even. I support accounting software and most of the women that call me for help had awesome qualifications for bookkeeper back in 1949, when they got hired. They had "great gams" but now, and I can tell the nation had its ration of stupidity pills over the weekend, and it's only 11"15, Now, we use accounting software. And most bookkeepers have no idea WTF the definition of "accounting" really is.
Here is a glossary of modern bookkeeping terms I have heard:
Make it go away.
Took it back out again.
Canceled it.
Fix the ledger.
Hide this.
Can we undo the batch? (closed deposit)

And don't tell Me the economy sucks because they are hiring just anyfarkingbody out there.
Do keep it up. It's excellent job security.
2012-10-28 12:01:33 AM  
1 votes:

Fish in a Barrel: Sure, if you're one of those Oxford comma heathens!


25.media.tumblr.com
2012-10-27 09:55:36 PM  
1 votes:
Most HR employees are failed writers and teachers.
2012-10-27 06:15:42 PM  
1 votes:

Guntram Shatterhand: Just because someone is looking for work doesn't mean they suddenly don't deserve to be treated like a subpar human being


First of all, get your double negatives straight. Then realize that no one is being condescending to the applicant because they are down on their luck and looking for work. They're being condescending because the applicant writes like a retarded child having a seizure in front of a computer and can't be bothered to use the spell-check feature or ask someone to look over the resume/cover letter. And, from my experience, is probably proud of being ignorant and responds to attempts to help with some variation of "you think you're better than me?!?!"
2012-10-27 06:05:34 PM  
1 votes:

stiletto_the_wise: windowseat: As an employer I see far too many resumes and applications with bad spelling and sub-par writing skills. My feeling is that the applicant will approach my business with the same lax attitude as their schooling and so I file them under "No."

Pretty much this. If you can't even be bothered to proofread your own resume, you won't be bothered to do a thorough, detailed job at work. Spelling and grammar mistakes are the easiest way to filter resumes.


so how should one view a company that has job listings full of spelling and grammar mistakes?

/really really want to name names, but can't right now
2012-10-27 05:52:04 PM  
1 votes:

stanhapsburg: Dear Mr. Mynameisinthead

You are absolutely correct that my writing skills are, well, mediocre. So my texts need to be proofread, which is usually done by a friend of mine, who happens to work for your company. But this person told me that he/she is currently very busy, because his/her boss "doesn't get shiat done". This "insufferable pedantic douche" - his/her words - prefers to deal with insignificant trivia. So he/she suggested to send my unedited application to you and - tadaa - I now work for company XYZ, where I earn 20 percent more and experience a friendly and loyal atmosphere. Thanks for your proofreading efforts to get me this job.

PS. My friend in the company is the person who also spits in your lunchbag, although he/she thinks not to be the only one.

Sincerely...


Dear IDidn'tEvenPretendToReadTheAccompanyingArticle,

The person doing the hiring is a blogger. He writes, for himself, for a living. Since he runs the company, he has access to these cover letters at home, when he is not technically on the clock. The idea that taking five minutes to edit/mark-up a cover letter causes a loss of productivity tells me that you have horrible time management skills and a complete lack of understanding of how most people work. It also tells me that you think it would take a lot more than five minutes to do this, which makes me feel you are probably quite slow.

The writing skills are not "mediocre". A few misspellings and an out-of-place comma or apostrophe is "mediocre". The writing displayed in the letter, meanwhile, read like the work of either a very recent immigrant with minimal English skills, or someone who is too thick to bag fries at McDonald's, let alone work in a detail-oriented and computationally-intensive role like bookkeeper.

This could be overlooked, potentially, if you had a long and extensive resume of bookkeeping positions with plenty of glowing references. I would completely understand. Some people are amazingly gifted in mathematically-oriented fields while being incapable of stringing together three words to form a sentence. I have my doubts that this is the case, however. First, your email address refers to either your current or ideal profession: stylist. Second, nowhere in the cover letter do you mention any skills directly related to the position (such as proficiency with various bookkeeping applications, knowledge of double-entry bookkeeping, etc.), nor do you mention any specifics about how or where you might have learned or performed bookkeeping duties, nor any other details that lead me to believe you have ever functioned in a bookkeeping profession. You do mention that you have precise record-keeping skills. This is good, but is also a bare-minimum for the job, and should not be a key point in differentiating yourself from the hundreds of other resumes I receive for the opening; it should be assumed that anyone applying for a bookkeeping position is at the very least an anal-retentive hoarder of information.

What makes your resume really stand out, though, is the level of unintentional irony displayed throughout. With as much focus as you place on your communication abilities, it's shocking that you display none of them in your cover letter. If you are going to (redundantly) point out how well you communicate no less than three times on less than a page of copy, you should do your utmost to make sure those skills are displayed in your first communication with me. Besides that little oopsie, you mention that you are "dynamically trained in multiple office programs". Now, I'm not sure what "dynamic training" is, exactly, and I can only assume that it is somehow better than "passive training". That said, it's shocking to me that your dynamic training in multiple office programs completely bypassed the "spellcheck" feature found in all common word processing software. I would strongly suggest that if you paid money for your "dynamic training", you ask for a full refund. Unintentional irony.

Ultimately, though, this cover letter tells me absolutely nothing positive about you. Even if you were to correct all of the atrocious spelling and grammar mistakes, this cover letter is a page of fluff without a single bit of substance. You speak of yourself in platitudes and cliches that at best paint you as a barely-competent employee who will come in, put in an unremarkable 8 hours, and leave. You will never make any meaningful contribution to my business. You will probably stick strictly to what you believe your job duties to be (whether those beliefs are actually valid or not), and get resentful if you are ever asked to do anything that falls outside of that definition. You will never push yourself to grow within the organization, and will remain in an entry level position while demanding annual raises that will (assuming you don't do anything to get yourself fired first, or quit with little notice) eventually price you out of your dead-end position. At that point, I will either have to eat the cost of paying an unmotivated bookkeeper significantly above industry-standard wages, or replace you. At worst, you come off as completely lacking in self-awareness and incapable of any original thought whatsoever.

In fact, I can sum up your resume in a one :

I have had jobs, and I know how to use a personal computer, and beyond that I have absolutely no marketable skills or personality whatsoever .

I get hundreds of resumes every time I post an opening. Unfortunately, I can usually only hire one person for a fair wage. This has nothing to do with me being a power-hungry asshole who enjoys inflicting pain on others. I am that at times, and am self-aware enough to know it, but this is not the case here. This is simply economics. There are a lot of you, but only one of me. When I make a hiring decision, I make it with the goal of hiring the best employee I can for a price that I can afford but is still fair to you. This is a huge decision for me. Keep in mind that while you may think I am wealthy beyond belief, my business is my sole source of income. If I make a bad hiring decision that ends up destroying my business (and bookkeeper is one of those positions where that is very possible. Especially in a very small company.), I am just as much out on my ass as you are. Except that you haven't poured years of blood, sweat, and tears (not to mention tens of thousands of dollars) into this job. I have. Practically everything I've done in the last several years has gone into making this company what it is. It is as much a part of me as anything else in my life, and if it fails because of a bad hiring decision, I lose all of that. You lose a just-barely-above-minimum-wage job. So if I seem exceptionally paranoid, anal, picky, cruel, pedantic, or whatever you want to call it, keep this in mind: I am looking through a pile of 100 candidates, from which I have to pull out the 10-15 that I can realistically interview. I will have to make a critical business decision based on your own description of yourself, maybe an hour of face-time, and possibly a couple of references. So sorry if I come off as an asshole, but I am making a big decision with very limited information, and I will be as careful as possible in assessing every single aspect of that resume, no matter how small. There are no "small mistakes".

Regards,

Lusiphur

P.S. The only acceptable email address to put on your resume/cover letter is some combination of firstname/lastname@your choice of email provider. This isn't about superiority. This is for your own benefit. First, you never know what someone might think of your hobby/career/inside joke. Something you think is awesome or hilarious might insult, offend, or plain turn off your potential employer. Like in this case: if your email address says that you are or were a stylist, it's a lot harder for me to take you seriously as a bookkeeper. Second, most employers are swamped with resumes these days. You need to take every opportunity to plant your name in your potential employers head. If he remembers your name, he's much more likely to call you back.
2012-10-27 04:51:45 PM  
1 votes:

YouSirAreAMaroon: WTF is a bookkeeper anyways, like an accountant? Seems like a position where attention to detail might be important.


The bookkeeper is the one without a college degree who types all the numbers in. The accountant is the one that looks at it and says "This company's farked".
2012-10-27 04:51:05 PM  
1 votes:

YouSirAreAMaroon: WTF is a bookkeeper anyways, like an accountant?


If only there were some online reposit-- oh farkkit just click this Link.
2012-10-27 04:03:14 PM  
1 votes:

Mister Peejay: HempHead: Remember folks, people studying Liberal Arts are wasting their time.

Maybe not "Liberal Arts" in the 17th Century Prussian Hosiery Major kind of way, but DAMN, engineers have got nothing on actual artists for horrible grammar and spelling.


You don't get it. They're obviously subverting the comma-normative paradigm of the grammatical hegemony.
2012-10-27 02:55:25 PM  
1 votes:
Dear Mr. Mynameisinthead

You are absolutely correct that my writing skills are, well, mediocre. So my texts need to be proofread, which is usually done by a friend of mine, who happens to work for your company. But this person told me that he/she is currently very busy, because his/her boss "doesn't get shiat done". This "insufferable pedantic douche" - his/her words - prefers to deal with insignificant trivia. So he/she suggested to send my unedited application to you and - tadaa - I now work for company XYZ, where I earn 20 percent more and experience a friendly and loyal atmosphere. Thanks for your proofreading efforts to get me this job.

PS. My friend in the company is the person who also spits in your lunchbag, although he/she thinks not to be the only one.

Sincerely...
2012-10-27 02:08:02 PM  
1 votes:
"I am eager to be a potential employee [asasit] at your company."

Good thing this person is eager to be a "potential employee" cause with a crap cover letter like the one he sent for this job opening he certainly isn't going to be an "actual employee."
2012-10-27 12:51:50 PM  
1 votes:
Sheesh, there's a lot of defensiveness in this thread I wasn't expecting. It's just somebody posting a terrible cover-letter. Why does this aggravate so many people while PeopleOfWalmart doesn't?
2012-10-27 11:17:15 AM  
1 votes:

SmackLT: The applicant should take that critique to heart and fix her cover letter.
 
she should also consider herself lucky she didn't land a job working with a pedantic prick.


Dragging people kicking and screaming into the communication norms of civilized society is not the same as being pedantic.
2012-10-27 09:21:36 AM  
1 votes:
At least she knows the potential employer read her application.
2012-10-27 08:25:31 AM  
1 votes:

Mentat: That employer doesn't have a clam attitude.


clam?

*reads letter*

oh my. I was not prepaird for that.
 
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