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(Slate)   We all know how certain epic match-ups would really turn out: Star Destroyer creams Enterprise, Superman squashes Mighty Mouse, Predator kicks Alien's ass. But what if a human being fought a Neanderthal?   (slate.com ) divider line
    More: Interesting, Star Destroyer, Mighty Mouse, predators, aliens, Superman, Neanderthals, psychological stress, creams  
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14570 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Oct 2012 at 12:23 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



550 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


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2012-10-25 11:35:04 AM  
Humans would win. Neanderthals don't have BJJ, testosterone replacement therapy, nor thermonuclear weapons.
 
2012-10-25 11:52:50 AM  
Homo Sapiens would (and did) win.
 
2012-10-25 11:53:11 AM  
A modern human or a human that lived concurrently with neanderthals?
 
2012-10-25 11:53:41 AM  
FTA: " Neanderthals also had an intellectual side: They decorated their bodies with sparkly paint..."

So, they were "Twilight" vampires? What's that Neanderthal gonna do? Run up and slap me with his purse? Sure, it'll be a purse full of rocks and animal skulls, but he'll probably break a nail doing it. 

So, victory for me.
 
2012-10-25 12:05:59 PM  
unitedcats.files.wordpress.com

Maybe, but they'd sue the crap out of us afterwards.
 
2012-10-25 12:21:11 PM  
How do you fight a German valley?
 
2012-10-25 12:24:24 PM  

PhiloeBedoe: How do you fight a German valley?


Ask Patton.
 
2012-10-25 12:24:38 PM  
We already ran this experiment.
 
2012-10-25 12:25:37 PM  
That depends; is the modern human allowed to use his or her mobility scooter?
 
2012-10-25 12:26:48 PM  
But what if a human being fought a Neanderthal?

Isn't that why we are having an election in a few weeks?
 
2012-10-25 12:27:18 PM  
Humans.

Next up: Texas chili vs Cincinnati chili.
 
2012-10-25 12:27:31 PM  
Pretty sure the outcome of this fight has already been determined...
 
2012-10-25 12:27:43 PM  
Way to incite Nerd Rage in the headline, Subby
 
2012-10-25 12:27:46 PM  
Considering if you belong to any of the Eurasian Haplogroups you may carry between 1% to 4% Neanderthal DNA I'd say there's a pretty good chance that fighting would not be the chosen F.
 
2012-10-25 12:28:07 PM  

Pincy: But what if a human being fought a Neanderthal?

Isn't that why we are having an election in a few weeks?


Racist!
 
2012-10-25 12:29:25 PM  
Aren't Neanderthals human beings as well?
 
2012-10-25 12:29:41 PM  
Which Enterprise subby?

What about the H?

images3.wikia.nocookie.net 

Length:1,320 m
Beam:650 m
Draft:160 m
Armaments: 17 Type-XIII phaser arrays;
6 torpedo launchers
Defenses: Deflector shields, ablative armor
Crew:2,012
 
2012-10-25 12:29:55 PM  
Neanderthals were too classy to fight with humans Link
 
2012-10-25 12:30:09 PM  
Star Destroyer creams Enterprise

This is a joke, right?
 
2012-10-25 12:30:15 PM  
Well considering the number of Humans vs the number of Neanderthals still alive I think it would be pretty clear who would win that fight.
 
2012-10-25 12:30:51 PM  
Ah, the old caveman versus an astronaut.


Spike: It's bollocks, Angel! It's your brand of bollocks from first to last.
Angel: No, you can't ever see the big picture. You can't see any picture!
Spike: I am talking about something primal. Right? Savagery. Brutal animal instinct.
Angel: And that wins out every time with you. You know, the human race has evolved, Spike!
Spike: Oh, into a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers who could never hope to...
Angel: We're bigger. We're smarter. Plus, there's a thing called teamwork, not to mention the superstitious terror of your pure aggressors!
Spike: You just want it to be the way you want it to be.
Angel: It's not about what I want!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sorry. Is this something we should all be discussing?
Angel: No.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It just sounds a little serious.
Angel: It was mostly... theoretical. We...
Spike: We were just working out a - Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ah. You've been yelling at each other for 40 minutes about this.
[pause]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Do the astronauts have weapons?
Spike, Angel: No.
Share this quote
 
2012-10-25 12:32:09 PM  

Uchiha_Cycliste: Ah, the old caveman versus an astronaut.


Spike: It's bollocks, Angel! It's your brand of bollocks from first to last.
Angel: No, you can't ever see the big picture. You can't see any picture!
Spike: I am talking about something primal. Right? Savagery. Brutal animal instinct.
Angel: And that wins out every time with you. You know, the human race has evolved, Spike!
Spike: Oh, into a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers who could never hope to...
Angel: We're bigger. We're smarter. Plus, there's a thing called teamwork, not to mention the superstitious terror of your pure aggressors!
Spike: You just want it to be the way you want it to be.
Angel: It's not about what I want!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Sorry. Is this something we should all be discussing?
Angel: No.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: It just sounds a little serious.
Angel: It was mostly... theoretical. We...
Spike: We were just working out a - Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Ah. You've been yelling at each other for 40 minutes about this.
[pause]
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Do the astronauts have weapons?
Spike, Angel: No.
Share this quote


That's actually foreshadowing in the episode, because a primordial demon eats Fred from the inside out despite their best efforts.
 
2012-10-25 12:33:14 PM  

SacriliciousBeerSwiller: Pretty sure the outcome of this fight has already been determined...


Not necessarily. You're assuming it was us, but it could have been the aforementioned Predators.

Which would make this, like, the bronze medal matchup.
 
2012-10-25 12:33:59 PM  
d.asset.soup.io
 
2012-10-25 12:34:21 PM  
Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norris' ass.

This debate has been resolved.
 
2012-10-25 12:35:24 PM  
'Superman squashes Mighty Mouse'

No shiat! Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
 
2012-10-25 12:35:34 PM  

Uchiha_Cycliste: Ah, the old caveman versus an astronaut.


Came here for this.

Some Farker did a photoshop of an Apollo astronaut with a drill or something clumsily going after a caveman, but I can't find it.
 
2012-10-25 12:35:41 PM  

TofuTheAlmighty: Star Destroyer creams Enterprise

This is a joke, right?


No:

Enterprise == Polish "army", circa 1939
Star Destroyer == German army, circa 1939

Any questions?
 
2012-10-25 12:36:28 PM  

JohnCarter: Which Enterprise subby?

What about the H?

[images3.wikia.nocookie.net image 200x111] 

Length:1,320 m
Beam:650 m
Draft:160 m
Armaments: 17 Type-XIII phaser arrays;
6 torpedo launchers
Defenses: Deflector shields, ablative armor
Crew:2,012


Imperial I-Class Star Destroyer

Length 1,609 meters
Max Acceleration 2,300+ G
Engine Unit(s) KDY Destroyer Ion Engine (3)
Cygnus Spaceworks Gemon-4 Ion Engine (4)
Crew 37,000
Passengers 1800
Armament 60 Taim and Bak XX9 turbolasers
60 Borstel NK-7 ion cannons
2 dual heavy ion cannon turrets
10 Phylon Q7 tractor beam projectors
Numerous lesser weapons

Not to mention the 72 tie-fighters and 9000 infrantry

/the Enterprise would last about 12 parsecs
 
2012-10-25 12:36:38 PM  

Publikwerks: [d.asset.soup.io image 398x505]


Link
 
2012-10-25 12:36:49 PM  

TofuTheAlmighty: Star Destroyer creams Enterprise

This is a joke, right?


No. All firepower and shielding aside, the Star Destroyer could simply run the Enterprise over.
 
2012-10-25 12:37:18 PM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Next up: Texas chili vs Cincinnati chili.


Texas Chili, hands down.

Cinnamon is not a Chili ingredient. Sorry Cinnci
 
2012-10-25 12:37:31 PM  
Enterprise teleports photon torpedoes aboard the star destroyer, battle over.
 
2012-10-25 12:38:29 PM  

WhippingBoy: TofuTheAlmighty: Star Destroyer creams Enterprise

This is a joke, right?

No:

Enterprise == Polish "army", circa 1939
Star Destroyer == German army, circa 1939

Any questions?


Stop it.
 
2012-10-25 12:38:32 PM  
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Homo Sapiens would (and did) win.

Well we had the technological edge (the atlatl) I believe they are talking about a "fair fight"
 
2012-10-25 12:38:47 PM  
Regarding the Enterprise vs. ISD fiasco in this thread:

Alfred T. Mahan's Influence of Sea Power Upon History.

Maneuverability is more important than firepower. Firepower is more important than armor. Armor is more important than arrangement. Arrangement is more important than crew ability. Without morale, none of it works.
 
2012-10-25 12:38:55 PM  
Match-ups resolved in the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.
 
2012-10-25 12:39:59 PM  
TOS or TNG it doesn't matter no ship in SW series could match them. Not even the Death Star
 
2012-10-25 12:40:39 PM  

sp86: Uchiha_Cycliste: Ah, the old caveman versus an astronaut.


That's actually foreshadowing in the episode, because a primordial demon eats Fred from the inside out despite their best efforts.


NO! Nothing bad happened to Fred, and she and Wesley went on to live happily ever after forever!

FOREVER!!!

\And there was no Serenity movie...
 
2012-10-25 12:40:41 PM  

BioStormX: Enterprise teleports photon torpedoes aboard the star destroyer, battle over.


Vader uses the Force to mind-control Scotty and have him self-destruct the warp core. Battle over.
 
2012-10-25 12:41:07 PM  

JohnCarter: Which Enterprise subby?

What about the H?

[images3.wikia.nocookie.net image 200x111] 

Length:1,320 m
Beam:650 m
Draft:160 m
Armaments: 17 Type-XIII phaser arrays;
6 torpedo launchers
Defenses: Deflector shields, ablative armor
Crew:2,012


Uh, how does a space ship have a draft? Where's the waterline on that thing?
 
2012-10-25 12:41:38 PM  
How about Cthulhu vs Godzilla?
 
2012-10-25 12:41:40 PM  

Publikwerks: [d.asset.soup.io image 398x505]


BLASTERS.ARE.NOT.LASERS!.!.!
 
2012-10-25 12:41:49 PM  
and it wasn't a demon, it was an ancient God... an ancient god that, um, did nothing bad to Fred.
 
2012-10-25 12:42:21 PM  

BioStormX: Enterprise teleports photon torpedoes aboard the star destroyer, battle over.


Didn't ships in Star Wars have shielding?
 
2012-10-25 12:42:30 PM  
Sliders taught me that the Kromaggs would be a more difficult opponent.
 
2012-10-25 12:43:52 PM  

JohnCarter: Which Enterprise subby?

What about the H?

images3.wikia.nocookie.net

Length:1,320 m
Beam:650 m
Draft:160 m
Armaments: 17 Type-XIII phaser arrays;
6 torpedo launchers
Defenses: Deflector shields, ablative armor
Crew:2,012



It pretty much doesn't matter. Basically the canonical published specifications for things like weapon output (and, much more importantly RANGE), shield strength and engine capability all favor Star Wars stuff by a lopsided several orders of magnitude. Like to the point that the Enterprise might be able pose a threat to a few TIE Fighters but probably not anything bigger than that.

The biggest problem on the Trek side of things is that their weapons require them to be single digit numbers of kilometers away prior to engagement.


Here's a nice collection of details.
 
2012-10-25 12:44:12 PM  
I can't remember where I read it, but the Star Wars vs Star Trek battles were done up by some physics student, working off the numbers in the various "technical manuals" available for fanboys.

IIRC the conclusion that the Enterprise would become a windscreen splatter was based on the wildly different power outputs of the two ships. i.e. the Enterprise couldn't generate enough oomph to scratch the ISD's shields, while turbolasers made mincemeat of the Enterprises's own shields/hull.

Of course, then again, I dunno what the Star Wars gang would do about Q.
 
2012-10-25 12:44:13 PM  
Superman squashes Mighty Mouse?

Now I know you be trolling.
 
2012-10-25 12:44:14 PM  

Publikwerks: [d.asset.soup.io image 398x505]


I know, its a troll, but still...WRONG!

acmelimited.com

/took out many of those in X-Wing
 
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