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(The Onion)   Tearful Mitt Romney announces he has rare disease where you can't sit quietly on stool when repeatedly asked to   (theonion.com) divider line 117
    More: Amusing, Mitt Romney, rare disease, Shuttlesworth Syndrome, sit quietly  
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14375 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Oct 2012 at 8:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-17 05:35:48 PM  
Someone should push in his stool.
 
2012-10-17 05:45:48 PM  
"Without meaning to, I reflexively stand up, stride forward, and continue trying to speak-doing so even, and especially, when one or more people are instructing me to stop talking immediately and go back to my stool. It is a truly debilitating condition that I have battled all my life." Romney said additional symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to maintain a convincing human smile, inexplicable reversals of previously stated policy positions, and an impaired ability to chuckle without sounding like a deranged maniac.

Beautiful.
 
2012-10-17 06:00:24 PM  
Medicine has a liberal bias.
 
2012-10-17 06:07:42 PM  
I heard it's a mutation of the disease that causes Michelle applaud after being specifically asked not to.
 
2012-10-17 06:17:33 PM  
Does no one bother with the "Satire" tag anymore?
 
2012-10-17 06:21:14 PM  

fusillade762: Does no one bother with the "Satire" tag anymore?



I always hated it.  Calling out satire as satire kinda cheapens it... or makes it look desperate.  The whole point is the whole joke is supposed to look as real as possible.
 
2012-10-17 06:46:30 PM  
So it's a prostrate problem?
 
2012-10-17 06:46:37 PM  

fusillade762: Does no one bother with the "Satire" tag anymore?


If you need someone to label an Onion link as satire for you, maybe you should move to a less challenging corner of the internet.
 
2012-10-17 07:22:27 PM  

downstairs: fusillade762: Does no one bother with the "Satire" tag anymore?

I always hated it.  Calling out satire as satire kinda cheapens it... or makes it look desperate.  The whole point is the whole joke is supposed to look as real as possible.


But it's an Onion link. No amount of stealth is going to hide it.


Mentat: If you need someone to label an Onion link as satire for you, maybe you should move to a less challenging corner of the internet.


I'm not sure how to respond to this. I feel like I've just been insulted.
 
2012-10-17 07:23:11 PM  
The Onion has been absolutely killing this election season. Between this and all the stories depicting Joe Biden as a shirtless, Trans-Am loving guido, just total brilliance. They're about the only source for a little sanity in this clusterfark we call a Presidental election.
 
2012-10-17 07:26:40 PM  

jake_lex: The Onion has been absolutely killing this election season. Between this and all the stories depicting Joe Biden as a shirtless, Trans-Am loving guido, just total brilliance. They're about the only source for a little sanity in this clusterfark we call a Presidental election.


Their Town Hall Attendees article is awesome.
 
2012-10-17 07:27:24 PM  

Mentat: fusillade762: Does no one bother with the "Satire" tag anymore?

If you need someone to label an Onion link as satire for you, maybe you should move to a less challenging corner of the internet.


The problem is the Onion keeps turning into reality.
 
2012-10-17 07:28:45 PM  
Mitt liked the article about his rare disease so much, he did an op/ed piece today, too.
 
2012-10-17 08:07:13 PM  
Lucky man. Did you see the creepy rictus that Joe Biden contracted?
 
2012-10-17 08:08:23 PM  

OtherLittleGuy: So it's a prostrate problem?


Shoulda used Preparation H..
 
2012-10-17 08:09:56 PM  

GAT_00: The problem is the Onion keeps turning into reality.


With no help whatsoever from Farkers, of course.
 
2012-10-17 08:11:05 PM  
"Time out," his mommy said mewlingly.

"No, Mommy, I have women to objectify with my binder!"

Mittens settled in the corner muttering to himself, "But it's a Trapper Keeper..."
 
2012-10-17 08:11:28 PM  
Stool pigeon
 
2012-10-17 08:13:29 PM  
Somebody should have put a doughnut cushion on it for him.
 
2012-10-17 08:14:27 PM  

Mentat: fusillade762: Does no one bother with the "Satire" tag anymore?

If you need someone to label an Onion link as satire for you, maybe you should move to a less challenging corner of the internet.


Like all of these people?

Literally Unbelievable
 
2012-10-17 08:18:26 PM  

fusillade762:
Mentat: If you need someone to label an Onion link as satire for you, maybe you should move to a less challenging corner of the internet.

I'm not sure how to respond to this. I feel like I've just been insulted.


Nah, it's a compliment and that's how you should take it. Trust me on this
 
2012-10-17 08:18:39 PM  

ds_4815: GAT_00: The problem is the Onion keeps turning into reality.

With no help whatsoever from Farkers, of course.


Link

They're fine without us.
 
2012-10-17 08:20:07 PM  

austin_millbarge: Mentat: fusillade762: Does no one bother with the "Satire" tag anymore?

If you need someone to label an Onion link as satire for you, maybe you should move to a less challenging corner of the internet.

Like all of these people?

Literally Unbelievable


The comments make me stabby.
 
2012-10-17 08:20:34 PM  
"Hemorrhoids hurt people, man.

They really hurt people."

He collapsed.

In a pile.
 
2012-10-17 08:22:10 PM  
He should got the silk Magic Underwear instead of the wool Magic Underwear.
 
2012-10-17 08:23:07 PM  
Born-rich white boys are America's cancer.
 
2012-10-17 08:23:26 PM  
Mitt doesn't want to sit down, he wants to show off his wide stance.
 
2012-10-17 08:23:52 PM  
He is a stool. Someone flush, please.
 
2012-10-17 08:23:59 PM  

Mentat: If you need someone to label an Onion link as satire for you, maybe you should move to a less challenging corner of the internet.


Mentat you magnificent bastard.
 
2012-10-17 08:25:15 PM  

Quasar: jake_lex: The Onion has been absolutely killing this election season. Between this and all the stories depicting Joe Biden as a shirtless, Trans-Am loving guido, just total brilliance. They're about the only source for a little sanity in this clusterfark we call a Presidental election.

Their Town Hall Attendees article is awesome.


I really liked the one "millions of americans turn to the internet to get their opinion on the debates"
 
2012-10-17 08:26:32 PM  
We should totally put the power of Fark to good work by buying Romney a stool, maybe have him sit in it, get a photo-op, then we use it to beat him mercilessly until his tear ducts are shriveled and gone. I guess we could film it and sell copies for charity, or something.
 
2012-10-17 08:29:13 PM  
Theres a joke about an empty stool here somewhere.
 
2012-10-17 08:31:35 PM  
Is it worse then the disease that causes Plugs Slow Joe Biden to interrupt 82 times while laughing grimacing and flinging his arms in the air like a spaz?
 
2012-10-17 08:34:24 PM  

Kozakman: Is it worse then the disease that causes Plugs Slow Joe Biden to interrupt 82 times while laughing grimacing and flinging his arms in the air like a spaz?


No, Mitt Romney is not afflicted with Inability to Suffer Fools Gladly (ISFG), like Joe is. Romney is quite obviously surrounded by fools in his campaign, with whom he gets along famously. Birds of a feather and all that.
 
2012-10-17 08:35:04 PM  

Kozakman: Is it worse then the disease that causes Plugs Slow Joe Biden to interrupt 82 times while laughing grimacing and flinging his arms in the air like a spaz?


Swing and a miss...
 
2012-10-17 08:36:29 PM  
The next eight years will be fun around here.
 
2012-10-17 08:37:26 PM  
Tarl3k: Swing and a miss...

Kozakman is a wind-job provider.
 
2012-10-17 08:38:03 PM  
leftcall.com
American's are dead.

t2.gstatic.com
I was told to sit down.
 
2012-10-17 08:39:18 PM  
He has a disease you heartless bastards!
 
2012-10-17 08:41:12 PM  

AbbeySomeone: He has a disease you heartless bastards!


Medicate it, but please don't elect it.

Thank you.
 
2012-10-17 08:41:16 PM  

bojon: The next eight years will be fun around here.


Yeah, Hilary's second term will provide a lull that will be good for some reflection after 62% of Congressional Republicans commit suicide in the wake of watching the Christie/Thune ticket go down in flames.
 
2012-10-17 08:42:16 PM  

Indubitably: AbbeySomeone: He has a disease you heartless bastards!

Medicate it, but please don't elect it.

Thank you.


P.S. Vote Obama.
 
2012-10-17 08:42:44 PM  

Mugato: Someone should push in his stool.


Your jib, and all that.
 
2012-10-17 08:43:16 PM  

Indubitably: Indubitably: AbbeySomeone: He has a disease you heartless bastards!

Medicate it, but please don't elect it.

Thank you.

P.S. Vote Obama.


P.P.S. You're welcome.
 
2012-10-17 08:43:30 PM  
Yeah, that Romney guy is a jerk. All that interrupting the moderator and interjecting when it wasn't his turn gave him -3 minutes more speaking time than Obama!
 
2012-10-17 08:44:15 PM  

dorko16: Mugato: Someone should push in his stool.

Your jib, and all that.


That means you want to fark him.
 
2012-10-17 08:44:55 PM  
Wait. Is he gay? I thought so!
 
2012-10-17 08:45:53 PM  
Eh, if I wanted to stand and move around I would have. That's the purpose of a forum like that.
Hell I'm running for the office of the most powerful person of the world! And you want to tell me to sit! F frickin you! Make me!
And shiat, it was only Obama to show any respect to. Big whop!
 
2012-10-17 08:46:24 PM  
Onion article is true.
This is what happens when a bubble wrapped Richie Rich snowflake with visions of a sky wizard is thrust upon the heaving brow of an ungodly illiterate workforce, scraping for pennies, in a futuristic world of monopoly money and grandeur. His legacy of ill gotten gains and spawn will inherit the earth with a new found hunger for moar oil and chips, and money and hoors. And what was the media-ocrity of our society will become the translucent idiocracy of our future. He'll climb up and claim the throne, and once sat upon it, will willfully shait while clamoring for moar, and claim that he has an inferior condition that makes him who he is. This condition, now accepted by a "tolerant" society, is called bullshiat christian fundamentalism. And, having been accepted by the masses of Charmin squeezing, chariot riding raiders of the lost and forgotten arts, and holders of the superstitions of oppression and xenophobic mouth breathing rabid dogmatics, he will be catapulted into higher domains. Worlds of power and wealth the poor man has heretofore been unable to attain, due to his unenlightened status, and lo, it will come to pass, that he will bring forth the sword of Damocles, sharpened to the hollow cut of Occam's razor, and shave off every nickle and dime (having forsaken the pennies he made illegal in his first term) and pile them high in a vault, a pit he dug in the void of Manhattan, on the north shore, where no one dared to build, a fortress of solitude, where he could ascend the ladder of a high dive, and swan like, in a gesture of gymnastic purity, into the piles below.
And I, as a veteran, and an American citizen, wish upon him those majestic piles.
His piles should engulf his greatness and wealth to the point of becoming the 9th wonder of the world.
Shamans, and Rabbis, and Sheiks, and kings and lords of war should bow down in humble presense to the piles that he obtains.
May it be written in scrolls humble and carved in rocks so igneous that only Mammon could melt them, that his piles were huge.

To his piles.

I wish them well, and may they consume their host with a toast of the finest sparkling beverage ever to come to a toilet tank in a maximum security facility in the long drawn out fermentation process that is known as "makin Krakkin", as it's called in the south.

And may his wife endure the shade of those piles, and luxuriate in the hot baths that her pool boy offers every twenty minutes after his nappy, of protein enriched babby gravy and rub her skin with the lotions of love.

I salute you, Mr. tearful Mitt Romney, for being the horse's ass of a new generation.
 
2012-10-17 08:46:35 PM  
My good friend Tommy used to have a saying:
"The first liar doesn't have a chance"

/got nothing
 
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