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(The Barnstormer)   Cheap Throat, the diary of a locked-out NHLer, day 23: Turkey hangover, a bacon shortage, deer, axes, and more Meryl Streep   (thebarnstormer.com) divider line 41
    More: Silly, Meryl Streep, work boots, NHL players  
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1723 clicks; posted to Sports » on 10 Oct 2012 at 6:24 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-10 06:17:17 PM  
Read this initially as "Cheap Trick".

Would have been better.
 
2012-10-10 06:40:07 PM  
"Everything chopped and stacked in the back of the garage. Mum and Dad'll have enough wood for the winter. Dad and I inside, more coffee, sit and watch SportsCentre. They do a thing about the lockout and get it all wrong. I tell dad how it really is. "You're all a bunch of farking babies," he says. "Millionaire babies. Just tell your guy to fix it and go and play hockey already. You get to play a damned game. What the hell are you complaining about?"

Didn't know he felt like that."


OH holy lol.
 
2012-10-10 06:50:15 PM  
I think this dude revealed who he is in the update before this one.
 
2012-10-10 06:52:57 PM  
"You're all a bunch of f*cking babies," he says. "Millionaire babies. Just tell your guy to fix it and go and play hockey already. You get to play a damned game. What the hell are you complaining about?

FTA.

Probably how every fan feels. F*ck all of them, greedy bastards.
 
2012-10-10 06:54:15 PM  
Cheap Throat is clearly a Canadian hockey player.

I read it and imagined Shawn Horcoff.
 
2012-10-10 07:04:36 PM  

bel4sucks: I think this dude revealed who he is in the update before this one.


Nope, sounds like he doesnt like Chara though. Nor Sutter.
 
2012-10-10 07:19:54 PM  
With no hockey to watch I see many NCIS and CSI repeats in my future.
 
2012-10-10 07:23:56 PM  
Come back Sabres, come back. Please.

The Bills are an unwatchable train wreck, and playoff baseball is only slightly less boring than regular baseball.

What am I supposed to do with my evenings?
 
2012-10-10 07:42:32 PM  

Doc Daneeka: Come back Sabres, come back. Please.

The Bills are an unwatchable train wreck, and playoff baseball is only slightly less boring than regular baseball.

What am I supposed to do with my evenings?


Amen.
 
2012-10-10 07:44:32 PM  
I've read many of these. If you know who it is, please tell.
 
2012-10-10 07:48:39 PM  

Doc Daneeka: What am I supposed to do with my evenings?


Some good shows are on TV right now: Homeland, Tremé, Boardwalk Empire, Sons of Anarchy, Downton Abbey... I'm getting caught up on Louie and Sherlock.

A lot of good books to be read, too. In any event, there's always porn.
 
2012-10-10 07:52:42 PM  

Lonestar: Nope, sounds like he doesnt like Chara though. Nor Sutter.


gotta love Fark Dork Genius Brigade logic. Because you didn't see anything, no one else could have.
 
2012-10-10 07:56:40 PM  

Autarky: I've read many of these. If you know who it is, please tell.


Colton Orr has emerged as a strong candidate.
 
2012-10-10 08:38:42 PM  

bel4sucks: Lonestar: Nope, sounds like he doesnt like Chara though. Nor Sutter.

gotta love Fark Dork Genius Brigade logic. Because you didn't see anything, no one else could have.


Well, considering that you're barely literate, it certainly isn't you seeing anything
 
2012-10-10 08:40:38 PM  

bel4sucks: Lonestar: Nope, sounds like he doesnt like Chara though. Nor Sutter.

gotta love Fark Dork Genius Brigade logic. Because you didn't see anything, no one else could have.


Gotta love Fark's indenpendant douchebags, if you think hes someone why dont you tell us and share us your "logic".

Put up or shut up. Boobies or GTFO. :)

See? Its easy.
 
2012-10-10 09:04:17 PM  
Just a reminder - during the parade at the end of Slap Shot, the movie marquee sign is advertising Deep Throat...

/got nuthin'
 
2012-10-10 09:13:44 PM  

Rev.K: Cheap Throat is clearly a Canadian hockey player.

I read it and imagined Shawn Horcoff.


No way a guy who spends his time looking it two directions at once comes away from a wood-chopping event with all his limbs intact.

/Dude sounds young and single (otherwise there'd be more complaining about kids and the wife)
 
2012-10-10 09:24:57 PM  

The Shoveller: No way a guy who spends his time looking it two directions at once comes away from a wood-chopping event with all his limbs intact.


Yeah, I'm reading more of these and it's definitely not Horcoff.

Definitely young and a party animal. He had his stomach pumped in Vegas?! Jesus Christ.

He said his first contract was $847,000.

And it's obviously an Oiler, a local boy, but I doubt it's Ryan Smyth.
 
2012-10-10 09:28:51 PM  
"Screwed Out of Hockey: The Diary of a NHL Hockey Fan, Day 23"


8:20am - Woke-up for work and checked the CSNNE app on my phone to see if there was any Bruins news, of course there is none. But I get to be gleefully reminded that the Bruins were supposed to be playing a preseason game tonight.

8:21am - Through my alcoholic-haze, I remembered that I got to watch Chara play in the KHL on ESPN2 last night. But I was at the bar and didn't get to hear who was announcing the game. Was it Gary Thorne and Bill Clement? Did Tom Mees un-drown himself and call the hot KHL action? Did I really watch hockey on ESPN last night? Wow, too many shots.

8:22am - I roll-over and see the hideous blob of human life that I did unspeakable things to last night. What was her name? What is my escape plan? Shiat, I'm at my house!! Too many shots for sure. Maybe I can lure her out of my house with a Jimmy Dean sausage egg and cheese biscuit. It's worth a shot.

8:55am - I told the swamp donkey I'd buy her IHOP if she went ahead of me and I could meet her there after I got cleaned up. I'm not going to IHOP.

10:38am - I hear an ad on the local sports talker with Randy Moller trying to pitch season tickets for the Panthers. Their ad line is "you pay when we play". Um, Randy...hardly anybody paid when they did play. Well, I did...and I'm a Bruins fan. Hell, I probably went to more games last season than the majority of "Panthers fans".

12:00pm - I can't decide between Subway and Jersey Mikes.

12:01pm - That girl who works the counter at Jersey Mikes looks like she'd be willing to give up the ass.

12:02pm - Jersey Mikes it is.

12:25pm - Jersey Mikes was the good pick for lunch, but that chick I was thinking about must have gotten acid thrown on her since the last time I was there. I need to stop day-drinking.

4:00pm - Awesome, only three hours until gametim.....awww GODDAMN IT!!!

5:38pm - There has to be a joke somewhere about Lance Armstrong getting thrown under the bus by his teammates about doping.

6:15pm - Jesus Christ the Reds pitching sucks tonight.

7:15pm - Well, I might not have hockey to watch, but this cocktail is mighty delicious.

7:21pm - Oh great, my girlfriend just showed up. Oh shiat!!! Did I remember to wash my dick and change the sheets at my place?!?!?!?!?

8:14pm - OK, she's got to be at work by 7:00am, so I don't have to worry if my bed and my cack smell like the fupa-sweat of some random broad.

9:25pm - I guess I'll just watch old episodes of Archer since I have no hockey to sustain me.

9:26pm - GODDAMN IT, I NEED HOCKEY BACK!!!!! 


/probably not too funny, but worth a shot
 
2012-10-10 09:36:07 PM  

fatalvenom: /probably not too funny, but worth a shot


i lol'd.

Swamp Donkey at iHop is an awesome Fark handle.
 
2012-10-10 10:02:33 PM  

Your Zionist Leader: Well, considering that you're barely literate, it certainly isn't you seeing anything


Awwww did my post not meet your superior "posting on the internet" guidelines?
 
2012-10-10 10:26:59 PM  

Lonestar: Gotta love Fark's indenpendant douchebags, if you think hes someone why dont you tell us and share us your "logic".


Oh I never said I knew who he was. How you got "I know who it is" from

bel4sucks: I think this dude revealed who he is in the update before this one.


has got to be the product of you thinking you're way smarter than you actually are, especially the adamant "NOPE!" you replied to it with.

The guy told an extremely specific story about a teammate/player being injured in a strip club in Columbus. Hell a google search for -- three weeks upper body injury columbus-- shows Partick Sharp out with a three to four week upper body injury on a down day between a Sunday game against the Red Wings, and a Tuesday game in Columbus. I don't think it's Sharp, but that was just the first link I found. And that's from someone who wasn't even really looking, and truthfully doesn't care who it is as long as it keeps updating. At the very least, the player who got hurt in that tit bar now knows who the author of this blog is.

Hell the story about Marchment (or Marchant) riding on top of the bus and then farking a groupie on top of the thing narrowed it down. Now this story narrows it down further. The fact that hockey (and I assume all) locker rooms are more gossipy than grandma's drunken card games means a whole lot of people heard about the dumbass that farked himself up in a strip club.
 
2012-10-10 10:39:57 PM  

Flappyhead: Autarky: I've read many of these. If you know who it is, please tell.

Colton Orr has emerged as a strong candidate.


He was my guess a couple of weeks ago, when we last discussed this Cheap Throat...
 
2012-10-11 12:29:22 AM  
Oh and another story from that same day I referenced. There probably haven't been too many teams staying at a Marriott on Columbus Day in what has got to be the day before a game in Pittsburgh where a player demanded a Thanksgiving Day meal and then started cussing the staff out and tossing cash around, especially the "5k each" part. Even if you go back what, 10 years? 15? More? So take that, plus the other two stories I pointed out and if this guy is actually telling his own life, instead of other people's stories, you've probably got what a 3 player window? Maybe more?

Bottom line, with so few men having those exact experiences, and the stories that got told about them, I'd be willing to bet it isn't even just players that know who this is. Staff, coaches, sports writers, etc etc etc. All it takes is one of those people to not like this guy very much, and out comes his identity.
 
2012-10-11 01:19:36 AM  
Maybe I'm alone on this but all I could think about reading that was...Turdeeren.
 
2012-10-11 01:34:18 AM  

bel4sucks:
Bottom line, with so few men having those exact experiences, and the stories that got told about them, I'd be willing to bet it isn't even just players that know who this is. Staff, coaches, sports writers, etc etc etc. All it takes is one of those people to not like this guy very much, and out comes his identity.


I have to believe he's throwing out some misdirection if this is actually an NHL player and he really doesn't want to be identified. Otherwise, why bother hiding who he is in the first place, since he'd inevitably be caught. Some of these stories about other players have to be absolute fiction, and I suspect it's probably a lot of fun for this dude to make them up, which is fine by me: there pretty funny to read, too.

The guy told an extremely specific story about a teammate/player being injured in a strip club in Columbus. Hell a google search for -- three weeks upper body injury columbus-- shows Partick Sharp out with a three to four week upper body injury on a down day between a Sunday game against the Red Wings, and a Tuesday game in Columbus. I don't think it's Sharp, but that was just the first link I found. And that's from someone who wasn't even really looking, and truthfully doesn't care who it is as long as it keeps updating. At the very least, the player who got hurt in that tit bar now knows who the author of this blog is.

Not sure that you're tossing him out there as a real data point on this one, but off the top of my head re: Sharp...

Well, the only player on that lineup at that point who's a Canadian breadbasket product would be Duncan Keith, who lines up pretty well if you fudge some stuff re: numbers of siblings, etc. (I discount Captain Serious as a possibility.) But he's never played in Pittsburgh on Thanksgiving.

I mean, who knows? Like I said, it seems entirely possible that this guy, if legit, is throwing out tons of crazy crap and enjoying watching us scramble to solve the "mystery."

Still, kinda fun to scramble anyhow. Heh-heh.
 
2012-10-11 01:39:52 AM  

Rev.K:
He said his first contract was $847,000.


Mike Ribiero is the only one I have found so far to fit make that salary early in his career, and much more later... but there's no farking way ratboy is this witty. salary source 
seems like a plugger, who made some cake, like a Niel or an Ott.
 
2012-10-11 01:50:07 AM  

puckhead:
seems like a plugger, who made some cake, like a Niel or an Ott.


I think Ott's married. Also from Atlantic Canada/Ontario, which would make him an unlikely Oilers fan. And Chris Neil is a religious super-fundie, I think. But I like your general model--seems to fit.
 
2012-10-11 02:24:29 AM  

HaveBeerWillTravel: I have to believe he's throwing out some misdirection if this is actually an NHL player and he really doesn't want to be identified. Otherwise, why bother hiding who he is in the first place, since he'd inevitably be caught. Some of these stories about other players have to be absolute fiction, and I suspect it's probably a lot of fun for this dude to make them up, which is fine by me: there pretty funny to read, too.


I've liked it so far, I've been checking it every day for updates. I just thought it was weird that he went from general shiat about his own life to stuff that would at least get teammates attention. It kinda seemed like he pulled an all day drunk with the family on a holiday and might have updated some stuff because he was reminiscing. You would think the proxy at the blog would have edited it, but maybe not.

HaveBeerWillTravel: But he's never played in Pittsburgh on Thanksgiving.


But are you thinking about American or Canadian Thanksgiving? This player is talking about Canadian. Plus, that's why I said the day after, because from the story they sat down to dinner around 5:30. That wouldn't leave enough time to eat and then get suited up and ready to play, not even considering the fact they'd probably all be too full. I guess it could have been an afternoon game and they got the meal after it though.
 
2012-10-11 03:57:21 AM  

bel4sucks:

Hell the story about Marchment (or Marchant) riding on top of the bus and then farking a groupie on top of the thing narrowed it down. Now this story narrows it down further. The fact that hockey (and I assume all) locker rooms are more gossipy than grandma's drunken card games means a whole lot of people heard about the dumbass that farked himself up in a strip club.


Ok so basically, you say in one post that you KNOW who he is by reading a post, now you say that this story might have been posted to throw people off? After you say that you havent pretended to know that you know who the player was?

Wow, I havent seen any flipflopping this obvious since the early days of Tatsuma.

You, are a sunnyside-up egg.
 
GW
2012-10-11 05:21:13 AM  
I am pretty sure it's all satire, and not really an actual NHL player.
 
2012-10-11 05:24:18 AM  

bel4sucks: Your Zionist Leader: Well, considering that you're barely literate, it certainly isn't you seeing anything

Awwww did my post not meet your superior "posting on the internet" guidelines?


Just a bit surprised you care about hockey since it doesn't involve St Timmy
 
2012-10-11 06:22:36 AM  
Okay Junior Detectives, I just spent an hour (at 2-3am) trying to identify this person. No luck. Teams that would've been in Pittsburgh for an away game right before Canuckian Thanksgiving:
2011 Florida Panthers
2010 Toronto Maple Leafs (kinduv a stretch, cuz their game was on a Wednesday, but still possible since their previous game was on Saturday)
2008 Philadelphia Flyers
I didn't go any further back, cuz it's late and I'm tired and it became more clear in the last hour how pointless it is.
I looked for Canadian players who are 6'2" (or close)(he mentions his height), have a good amount of NHL experience, and then checked for a first salary of $847,000. Nothing.

On a lighter note, his entry yesterday had my favorite line so far:
Which reminds me, wanna know something weird? Zdeno Chara ain't got no accent. Like, none. Sounds like he's from farking Vancouver. Oh, sure, on the TV and shiat he's all Russian or Czech or Polish or whatever, and all "Like team for long playoffs. My shot hard. I hope Pacioretty no be dead." 
Luuullllzzzz.
 
2012-10-11 08:03:31 AM  
images.t-shirts.com
 
2012-10-11 08:45:01 AM  
I don't really care who it is. Dude is going to get a lot of flack for really liking Meryl Streep.
 
2012-10-11 09:50:36 AM  

soopey: I don't really care who it is. Dude is going to get a lot of flack for really liking Meryl Streep.


And Call Me Maybe. WTF?
 
2012-10-11 11:27:40 AM  

e-christ: Okay Junior Detectives, I just spent an hour (at 2-3am) trying to identify this person. No luck. Teams that would've been in Pittsburgh for an away game right before Canuckian Thanksgiving:
2011 Florida Panthers
2010 Toronto Maple Leafs (kinduv a stretch, cuz their game was on a Wednesday, but still possible since their previous game was on Saturday)
2008 Philadelphia Flyers
I didn't go any further back, cuz it's late and I'm tired and it became more clear in the last hour how pointless it is.
I looked for Canadian players who are 6'2" (or close)(he mentions his height), have a good amount of NHL experience, and then checked for a first salary of $847,000. Nothing.


players named Chris on those teams that could throw cake around for a custom turkey dinner
Panthers: Versteeg (but that was Kris)
Flyers: Pronger

the 08-09 team also had a Randy Jonesy ("Jonesy" stripper story), and a Glen Metropolit.
so... other candidates for author: Carter, Richards, Lupul? none fit the salary clue, but all like to get hammered.
 
2012-10-11 12:17:36 PM  

Lonestar: Ok so basically, you say in one post that you KNOW who he is by reading a post, now you say that this story might have been posted to throw people off? After you say that you havent pretended to know that you know who the player was?

Wow, I havent seen any flipflopping this obvious since the early days of Tatsuma.

You, are a sunnyside-up egg.


I never said I knew who it was, it wasn't me in this thread who said it could have been throwing someone off, and I never pretended to know who he was. Those Canadian schools really churn some dumbfarks out, eh?
 
2012-10-11 12:18:53 PM  

Your Zionist Leader: Just a bit surprised you care about hockey since it doesn't involve St Timmy


So the name belfour sucks didn't clue you in that I might like hockey? And you're the one calling me barely literate?
 
2012-10-11 01:11:05 PM  

bel4sucks: Your Zionist Leader: Just a bit surprised you care about hockey since it doesn't involve St Timmy

So the name belfour sucks didn't clue you in that I might like hockey? And you're the one calling me barely literate?


No, I got that. You just only seem to ever post in threads fellating Tebow.
 
2012-10-11 02:51:49 PM  

Your Zionist Leader: No, I got that. You just only seem to ever post in threads fellating Tebow.



So you got it, but somehow it still surprised you? How the hell does that even work?

I don't have to be sucking Tebow's dick to go against the tide of irrational hate so many of you farkers have for successful, famous, rich, or people just doing better than you in general. I'm a Broncos fan, why wouldn't I like the guy? 1-4 to 8-8 with the same team and a playoff win, something that hadn't happened since 2005. Seriously 2005, think about how much has changed since that long ago. But according to most farkers, I'm supposed to hate the guy for helping my team out. Or for being smart enough to change the channel/use the internet to avoid hearing about him. Or understanding that a guy with 16 games played might not be as good as a guy with 50 games played. Or even (and this is the funniest one) understanding that people playing with right handed Qbs their entire lives might have to adjust how the ball acts when a lefty throws it. etc etc etc ad naseum.
 
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