FARK.com: (7370132) You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?

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		You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do? (loganville.patch.com)		91
		More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming

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38489 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM | Favorite | share:

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Archived thread

kid_icarus		2012-10-08 12:29:05 PM

27 votes:

How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

i76.photobucket.com

penthesilea		2012-10-08 01:27:28 PM

18 votes:

So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.

dcigary		2012-10-08 04:05:43 PM

9 votes:

scottydoesntknow: xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.

Ahhh...reminds me of the only Photoshop contest I've ever won...

imageshack.us

biyaaatci		2012-10-08 03:17:56 PM

9 votes:

Uglybarnacle: 800 lbs? holy farking shiat. I can kinda understand why he was having issues getting it into the easy bake oven. What did they expect him to do? use a shrink ray?

images2.wikia.nocookie.net

Back Off!

SandMann		2012-10-08 03:02:38 PM

9 votes:

Trebuchet into a volcano

Ed Finnerty		2012-10-08 01:08:21 PM

7 votes:

Get a bag of flour?

thismomentinblackhistory		2012-10-08 01:06:55 PM

7 votes:

When my Dad was cremated I accidentally left him in the trunk of my car for months. Now he's in my sister's attic. Boy is he probably pissed.

bucket_pup		2012-10-08 03:15:31 PM

6 votes:

Time for a bar-b-que because the secret is in the sauce.

BumpInTheNight		2012-10-08 02:56:52 PM

6 votes:

Slap a thigh and ride the wave in?

farkingismybusiness		2012-10-08 02:52:53 PM

6 votes:

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shiat, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."

Expolaris		2012-10-08 02:43:32 PM

6 votes:

/approves

Gyrfalcon		2012-10-08 05:21:05 PM

5 votes:

Magnanimous_J: Here's the part that grosses me out. Most of the time the bodies are not embalmed prior to cremation. They just put em in a box and throw them in the oven. Now if an 800 pounder was too big and had to be cut up, what are the odds that cutting off the arms, legs and head were enough to do the job? I would think they would have to cut the torso in half, with all the gory organ spillage that would imply. Can you imagine the mess that would make?

Well, I can NOW....

martid4		2012-10-08 03:32:11 PM

5 votes:

When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.

Godscrack		2012-10-08 11:58:39 AM

5 votes:

Get him in the ground before he starts to smell.

Il Douchey		2012-10-08 11:38:47 AM

5 votes:

Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

cretinbob		2012-10-08 11:35:19 AM

5 votes:

bath salts?

ltdanman44		2012-10-08 03:13:15 PM

4 votes:

Wanted for questioning

ethics-gradient		2012-10-08 02:55:08 PM

4 votes:

That's.... err. Well that's pretty fat I have to say.
I too would have been pretty despairing faced with a problem of that magnitude. Christ that must have been a messy job.

I think I would have just asked for permission, it's all about how you present it: "Your relative was an extraordinary person and we need to take extraordinary steps to help them move on with their journey. So can I bill you for the hire of a heavy duty fork lift and a couple of chain saws?"

ultraholland		2012-10-08 02:42:08 PM

4 votes:

Have sex with it.

teto85		2012-10-08 01:37:31 PM

4 votes:

Give him liposuction and then burn everything in turns?

PallMall		2012-10-08 08:27:46 PM

3 votes:

lethological_lassie: I'm surprised no one has yet called 'shenanigans' on the 800 lb weight. Even all these crazy Farkers can't personally vouch for any sighting over 700. Anyone else suspect a reporting error on the weight?

Probably because 800lbs is *precooked weight.

Now I'm waiting for fatties to start protesting because they're forced to buy 2 cemetery plots, or a second pass through the oven.

Tax Boy		2012-10-08 05:03:52 PM

3 votes:

M0nkeyp0x		2012-10-08 04:40:10 PM

3 votes:

The urn?

loki see loki do		2012-10-08 03:55:20 PM

3 votes:

This is an increasing problem for crematories - they are typically rated around 250 lbs/hr.

A fatty can flash flame and cause the afterburner to be overloaded causing excessive smoke and exceedances of the allowable emission rates for particulate matter and CO for incinerators.

Seen it happen plenty.

/air pollution control guy.
//yep, we test crematory incinerators too.
///sampling your loved ones.

Jormungandr		2012-10-08 03:51:52 PM

3 votes:

Millennium: This is what you build a Viking-style longship for.

More like a Viking style WIDEship!

/rimshot

Notabunny		2012-10-08 03:51:42 PM

3 votes:

Hide candy inside and call it a Halloween piñata

Arkanaut		2012-10-08 02:54:33 PM

3 votes:

Make soap?

MorePeasPlease		2012-10-08 02:47:07 PM

3 votes:

Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive, so why all the newfound concern for its post-mortem condition?

I_C_Weener		2012-10-08 02:36:57 PM

3 votes:

Viking funeral?

Alleyoop		2012-10-08 11:07:19 PM

2 votes:

"Bundy Burgers are up!"

www.bundyology.com

/may not be obscure enough

Ianman		2012-10-08 05:18:34 PM

2 votes:

This guy is only 425lbs

Layzerd		2012-10-08 03:36:43 PM

2 votes:

tetsoushima		2012-10-08 03:36:36 PM

2 votes:

JackieRabbit: Dead is dead.

media.tumblr.com

HaywoodJablonski		2012-10-08 03:30:16 PM

2 votes:

Ass Exploder		2012-10-08 03:29:31 PM

2 votes:

carrion_luggage		2012-10-08 03:19:48 PM

2 votes:

I guess you could say there's a little bit of Uter in all of us.

wambu		2012-10-08 03:04:21 PM

2 votes:

If it's a politician, you could just give them an enema, bury them in a matchbox.

/old but relevant

The Yattering		2012-10-08 02:54:58 PM

2 votes:

Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?

Prayer.

The Jami Turman Fan Club		2012-10-08 02:54:09 PM

2 votes:

Of course he had to dismember it. How did they expect him to do it?

What I want to know is, did they have to use one of those big milk cans instead of a regular urn to hold all the ashes?

Lionel Mandrake		2012-10-08 02:49:23 PM

2 votes:

pottie		2012-10-08 02:48:43 PM

2 votes:

Make pulled pork sandwiches for everybody!

/long pig, the other white meat

The Fifth Dentist		2012-10-08 02:47:15 PM

2 votes:

I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .

Stoj		2012-10-08 02:40:01 PM

2 votes:

Walton County Sheriff's Deputies responded to a suicide attempt by Ellenberg on Aug. 15 when he allegedly shot himself in the leg.

Man this guy can't do anything right.

cretinbob		2012-10-08 02:37:22 PM

2 votes:

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.

www.thrilld.com

ArcadianRefugee		2012-10-08 01:12:13 PM

2 votes:

it was reported that he dismembered an 800-pound body in the Conyers location in order to fit it into the crematory

...so farking what?

"OMGZ you mutliated that body before mutilating it@!!"

o_O

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier		2012-10-08 12:46:10 PM

2 votes:

Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.

Mr. Toadcheese		2012-10-09 11:50:26 AM

1 votes:

Bring three--no, four drums, Jesse.

cedarpark		2012-10-09 02:52:11 AM

1 votes:

My advice to the young for future jobs in demand:

1) Tattoo removal expert
2) Stuff for fat people

reimanr06		2012-10-08 10:10:18 PM

1 votes:

DieAchtung: JohnBigBootay: MorePeasPlease: Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive...

Now it's not unreasonable to assume someone in that poor health did not have a lot of people who cared for him, but that's all it is is an assumption because there's simply nothing about it in the article. I have a grotesquely obese family member. He makes horrible decisions and pisses me off frequently but I do care for him.

and if his fat ass doesn't fit in the crematory what would you have them do to get him cremated? 800lbs; it should have been common knowledge among all parties that it wouldn't be a standard cremation.

Christ at 800 pounds you should just throw him in a steel foundry.

LoneVVolf		2012-10-08 08:50:08 PM

1 votes:

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).

That's not nearly as entertaining as i was expecting. I had high hopes of corpses being discharged from the bomb bays of a B-52 at 60,000 ft, over rocks.

Nem Wan		2012-10-08 08:42:50 PM

1 votes:

Burial at sea sounds good.
/You're gonna need a bigger boat.

Bashar and Asma's Infinite Playlist		2012-10-08 07:39:55 PM

1 votes:

Could've packed him in salt like a fish, then left him out in the sun to cure.

Deep Contact		2012-10-08 07:39:14 PM

1 votes:

puppetmaster745		2012-10-08 06:27:26 PM

1 votes:

Snarfangel		2012-10-08 06:14:59 PM

1 votes:

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]

I Can't Believe It's Not Blubber^TM

Jument		2012-10-08 05:37:32 PM

1 votes:

Ianman: [media.trb.com image 325x425]

This guy is only 425lbs

Impressive! He has the chin of a 550 lb man.

iheartscotch		2012-10-08 05:26:51 PM

1 votes:

As seen in Star Wars; nobody is too fat to blowup.

RatMaster999		2012-10-08 05:24:17 PM

1 votes:

PallMall		2012-10-08 04:57:09 PM

1 votes:

They should render the fatties into BioFuel for diesel engines. It's sorta like green energy meets recycling.

WON'T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT??

HoratioGates		2012-10-08 04:21:26 PM

1 votes:

That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.

girl6		2012-10-08 04:15:37 PM

1 votes:

penthesilea: So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.

I reverse-Neti-potted my coffee on that one.

Miss Stein		2012-10-08 04:01:47 PM

1 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: ZAZ: I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.

I guessing you guessed the same thing I'm guessing

i759.photobucket.com

TappingTheVein		2012-10-08 04:00:56 PM

1 votes:

Shoot the hostage ?

BitwiseShift		2012-10-08 04:00:52 PM

1 votes:

Too early for the obligatory Donner Party Thanksgiving Feast with chef Jeffrey Dahmer and his Symphony of Sauces, yet Costco has had Christmas stuff up before Labor Day.

tamsnod27		2012-10-08 03:59:31 PM

1 votes:

Ant: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something.

Holy crap! That's a farking awesome idea! Has anyone ever actually done that?

Unfortunately, yes, it has been done many times
/done to death, you might say
//Lawd, I apologize!

softshoes		2012-10-08 03:56:52 PM

1 votes:

A few years back in my professional career, commercial carpenter, my company landed a job remodeling a funeral home. The director was funny in a gallows humor kind of way. Anyways, one day during lunch he started describing how a body in a crematorium plumps up like a Ballpark Frank, very descriptively. Lunch was a short affair that day. He seemed like the type whose solution to an 800lb body would be to go all Fargo on it.

WhoGAS		2012-10-08 03:56:44 PM

1 votes:

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).

Is that legal here in the US? That's an awesome way to die!!!

Then I'd want them to take my bones and create a skeleton from me to display in the house.

Drunk Dragon		2012-10-08 03:53:54 PM

1 votes:

Ant		2012-10-08 03:41:08 PM

1 votes:

MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something.

Holy crap! That's a farking awesome idea! Has anyone ever actually done that?

martid4		2012-10-08 03:38:53 PM

1 votes:

I'll bet he had to put the ashes in a big box:
www.funckr.com

jeffreyh		2012-10-08 03:37:00 PM

1 votes:

See, Hitler had a legit reason to starve Jews.

Haoie		2012-10-08 03:34:48 PM

1 votes:

Bill them twice!

Plant Rights Activist		2012-10-08 03:33:11 PM

1 votes:

well, he didn't complain at the time.

Ivo Shandor		2012-10-08 03:30:08 PM

1 votes:

Dump him in the Thames?

bekovich		2012-10-08 03:27:11 PM

1 votes:

Ahh damn you fark, this thread is inexplicably making me ravenous!

Kumana Wanalaia		2012-10-08 03:27:10 PM

1 votes:

He loaded the body onto a funeral pyre with a forklift after getting all the necessary permits?

honk		2012-10-08 03:19:07 PM

1 votes:

Huh. My answer was to run him from the chipper to the Quiznos conveyor toasting oven set on high. Conveyor dumps the line of ashes to a waiting bucket. Done and done.

Thanks for the Meme-ries		2012-10-08 03:17:41 PM

1 votes:

farkingismybusiness: You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shiat, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."

Ah, I see this have been covered..... Carry on

/i'm sweet enough

BrowneyeWinking		2012-10-08 03:15:07 PM

1 votes:

A long time ago, a friend of mine got a job driving a limo for a funeral home which also owned a crematorium nearby. On the second day of work, he went to the crematorium on an errand, walked in, and asked "where are the cracklins, I can smell them, and I love cracklins". Turns out there was a very large person being cremated, and indeed there were no cracklins. He lasted another day or two then was let go. I assume for "being insensitive".

Ryder79		2012-10-08 03:13:34 PM

1 votes:

"Attempted suicide" and "shot himself in the leg"? YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG...

plausdeny		2012-10-08 03:11:37 PM

1 votes:

Dear wide fellows,

I'll admit, I could stand to lose a few pounds. Maybe a few dozen pounds, if I really pushed it.

But let's get real: when you could stand to lose a few hundred pounds, there is absolutely nothing in life for you that won't be a custom build. There will be things that simply don't exist for you, because it makes no economic sense to build them.

Crematoriums, for example, are one of those things.

But you're one of a kind, to the relief of so many. You should go out in a one of a kind way. Let me just put this out there:

Darth Vader style funeral pyre.

For extra points, have someone project a younger, thinner Force Ghost in to the rising smoke plume.

You're welcome.

Whatthefark		2012-10-08 03:06:28 PM

1 votes:

Break out the Shop Vac and perform a post mortem liposuction?

cryinoutloud		2012-10-08 03:06:00 PM

1 votes:

A person who didn't respect his own body enough to keep from getting to weigh 800 pounds? I could give a fark how much respect his bloated body is given after he's dead. (Or she.)

And yes, I'd probably feel the same way if it was my family member.

Matthew Keene		2012-10-08 03:05:58 PM

1 votes:

Arkanaut: Make soap?

Where is Ilsa Koch when you need her. I fancy a lampshade.

Summer Glau's Love Slave		2012-10-08 02:58:21 PM

1 votes:

He sounds fat.

/_{Very ashamed now.}

blatz514		2012-10-08 02:52:33 PM

1 votes:

farkingismybusiness: [ncowie.files.wordpress.com image 480x360]
I'm not gonna let her be a joke.

Holy fark, I haven't seen that movie in years! Dicaprio played an amazing tard.

Shmeat		2012-10-08 02:51:47 PM

1 votes:

JFarker131		2012-10-08 02:47:53 PM

1 votes:

Maybe we need to expand the Florida tag to encompass all of the southeast...

/this happened an hour away from me
//not surprised.

Grapple		2012-10-08 02:47:40 PM

1 votes:

I'm going to guess... "order a case of A1 steak sauce and sharpen your knife" but looks like the rest of you wierdos already beat me to better ideas.

scottydoesntknow		2012-10-08 01:41:16 PM

1 votes:

xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.