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(Patch)   You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?   (loganville.patch.com ) divider line
    More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming  
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38538 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



292 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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Archived thread
 
2012-10-08 11:35:19 AM  
bath salts?
 
2012-10-08 11:38:47 AM  
Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-10-08 11:43:50 AM  
I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:06 AM  

ZAZ: I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.


I guessing you guessed the same thing I'm guessing
 
2012-10-08 11:58:39 AM  
imageshack.us

Get him in the ground before he starts to smell.
 
2012-10-08 12:22:02 PM  
I wonder what the premium for an urn that size would be?
 
2012-10-08 12:29:05 PM  
How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

i76.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 12:46:10 PM  

Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?


People jerky would make a great secondary side business.
 
2012-10-08 12:57:29 PM  

Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?


That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.
 
2012-10-08 01:06:55 PM  
When my Dad was cremated I accidentally left him in the trunk of my car for months. Now he's in my sister's attic. Boy is he probably pissed.
 
2012-10-08 01:08:21 PM  
Get a bag of flour?
 
2012-10-08 01:08:45 PM  

MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.


And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).
 
2012-10-08 01:12:13 PM  
it was reported that he dismembered an 800-pound body in the Conyers location in order to fit it into the crematory

...so farking what?

"OMGZ you mutliated that body before mutilating it@!!"

o_O
 
2012-10-08 01:27:28 PM  
So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.
 
2012-10-08 01:37:31 PM  
Give him liposuction and then burn everything in turns?
 
2012-10-08 01:41:16 PM  

xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).


Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.
 
2012-10-08 02:02:51 PM  
What do you do?

I'm okay with this. Where this guy ran into trouble was that he didn't get the family's permission first. And I'm guessing they probably don't care either.

That, and he seems to have significant amounts of crazy in his personal and professional life. That part is just a bit sad.
 
2012-10-08 02:34:31 PM  

penthesilea: So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.


My wife got the lulz from my recreation of your comment. Ex giving you grief in the divorce? (slow head turn)
 
2012-10-08 02:36:57 PM  
Viking funeral?
 
2012-10-08 02:37:22 PM  

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.


www.thrilld.com
 
2012-10-08 02:40:01 PM  
Walton County Sheriff's Deputies responded to a suicide attempt by Ellenberg on Aug. 15 when he allegedly shot himself in the leg.

Man this guy can't do anything right.
 
2012-10-08 02:42:08 PM  
Have sex with it.
 
2012-10-08 02:43:26 PM  
So, apparently the same thing I would do if faced with the same problem. Chainsaw!
 
2012-10-08 02:43:32 PM  
images3.wikia.nocookie.net

/approves
 
2012-10-08 02:45:04 PM  
800 lbs? holy farking shiat. I can kinda understand why he was having issues getting it into the easy bake oven. What did they expect him to do? use a shrink ray?
 
2012-10-08 02:47:07 PM  
Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive, so why all the newfound concern for its post-mortem condition?
 
2012-10-08 02:47:15 PM  
I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .
 
2012-10-08 02:47:29 PM  

scottydoesntknow: xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.


Something similar happened at the USDA Beltsville's biohazard incinerator and some large pig carcasses about 13 years ago.
 
2012-10-08 02:47:35 PM  
That... seems like a fairly practical solution to the given problem.
 
2012-10-08 02:47:40 PM  
I'm going to guess... "order a case of A1 steak sauce and sharpen your knife" but looks like the rest of you wierdos already beat me to better ideas.
 
2012-10-08 02:47:46 PM  
He's dead. Who cares?
 
2012-10-08 02:47:53 PM  
Maybe we need to expand the Florida tag to encompass all of the southeast...

/this happened an hour away from me
//not surprised.
 
2012-10-08 02:48:02 PM  
Start a new career!
 
2012-10-08 02:48:27 PM  
I mean, if you're going to burn the body to ashes right afterwards, what difference does it make?
 
2012-10-08 02:48:43 PM  
Make pulled pork sandwiches for everybody!


/long pig, the other white meat
 
2012-10-08 02:49:23 PM  
www.windoweb.it
 
2012-10-08 02:49:24 PM  
What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?
 
2012-10-08 02:49:44 PM  

Il Douchey: How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?


That's what I was wondering. Unless he told someone, or had someone help him who then told someone, how did anyone find out? It's hard to tell whether the body was dismembered by looking at the ashes.

/TFA not really clear on that point.
 
2012-10-08 02:50:20 PM  
ncowie.files.wordpress.com
I'm not gonna let her be a joke.
 
2012-10-08 02:51:06 PM  
www.movieactors.com

approves.
 
2012-10-08 02:51:19 PM  

MorePeasPlease: Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive...


Now it's not unreasonable to assume someone in that poor health did not have a lot of people who cared for him, but that's all it is is an assumption because there's simply nothing about it in the article. I have a grotesquely obese family member. He makes horrible decisions and pisses me off frequently but I do care for him.
 
2012-10-08 02:51:24 PM  

Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?


Ask the family first?
 
2012-10-08 02:51:47 PM  
www.prosportstickers.com
 
2012-10-08 02:52:33 PM  

farkingismybusiness: [ncowie.files.wordpress.com image 480x360]
I'm not gonna let her be a joke.


Holy fark, I haven't seen that movie in years! Dicaprio played an amazing tard.
 
2012-10-08 02:52:53 PM  
You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shiat, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."
 
2012-10-08 02:54:09 PM  
Of course he had to dismember it. How did they expect him to do it?

What I want to know is, did they have to use one of those big milk cans instead of a regular urn to hold all the ashes?
 
2012-10-08 02:54:25 PM  

scottydoesntknow: xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.


wow... that was a horrible story. of course it has to close on the note about the firefighters being covered in some kind of black soot (presumably from the burning fat lady).
 
2012-10-08 02:54:33 PM  
Make soap?
 
2012-10-08 02:54:49 PM  

LessO2: Ask the family first?


To which they would have answered, if they were being brutally honest with themselves, "does that cost extra?" I have a nickel says they went with the cheapest urn available, spent exactly zero on a funeral service, but now want some money for pain and suffering. I know none of that of course, just an educated guess.
 
2012-10-08 02:54:58 PM  

Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?


Prayer.
 
2012-10-08 02:55:08 PM  
That's.... err. Well that's pretty fat I have to say.
I too would have been pretty despairing faced with a problem of that magnitude. Christ that must have been a messy job.

I think I would have just asked for permission, it's all about how you present it: "Your relative was an extraordinary person and we need to take extraordinary steps to help them move on with their journey. So can I bill you for the hire of a heavy duty fork lift and a couple of chain saws?"
 
2012-10-08 02:56:27 PM  

JohnBigBootay: MorePeasPlease: Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive...

Now it's not unreasonable to assume someone in that poor health did not have a lot of people who cared for him, but that's all it is is an assumption because there's simply nothing about it in the article. I have a grotesquely obese family member. He makes horrible decisions and pisses me off frequently but I do care for him.


and if his fat ass doesn't fit in the crematory what would you have them do to get him cremated? 800lbs; it should have been common knowledge among all parties that it wouldn't be a standard cremation.
 
2012-10-08 02:56:28 PM  

LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?

 

Ask Inform the family first?
 
2012-10-08 02:56:52 PM  
Slap a thigh and ride the wave in?
 
2012-10-08 02:56:59 PM  

JohnBigBootay: LessO2: Ask the family first?

To which they would have answered, if they were being brutally honest with themselves, "does that cost extra?" I have a nickel says they went with the cheapest urn available, spent exactly zero on a funeral service, but now want some money for pain and suffering. I know none of that of course, just an educated guess.


just cause we're bereaved doesn't make us saps!!!
 
2012-10-08 02:57:13 PM  
Take him over to the nearest BBQ with a large smoker and cook him in that.
 
2012-10-08 02:58:16 PM  
Great, just great! Now I have this craving for BBQ.
 
2012-10-08 02:58:21 PM  
He sounds fat.

/Very ashamed now.
 
2012-10-08 02:58:51 PM  
Who the fark cares? Your burning the body anyways.
 
2012-10-08 03:01:24 PM  
Do I have access to my sawzall?

*reads article*

Apparently that was not the right thing...

it is not a crime to do so. Permission needs to be sought from the family first, though, and it is reported that Ellenberg did not do so.

"Hey, I can't fit your fatass relative into this already large opening, I'm gionna have to chop him up. Cool?"
 
2012-10-08 03:02:32 PM  
I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.
 
2012-10-08 03:02:38 PM  
Trebuchet into a volcano
 
2012-10-08 03:03:48 PM  
Why the hell should anyone care? It's going to be ash soon anyways!
 
2012-10-08 03:04:21 PM  
If it's a politician, you could just give them an enema, bury them in a matchbox.

/old but relevant
 
2012-10-08 03:05:35 PM  
Take 'em over to Ernie's crematorium.

/rabid weasels.
 
2012-10-08 03:05:58 PM  

Arkanaut: Make soap?


Where is Ilsa Koch when you need her. I fancy a lampshade.
 
2012-10-08 03:06:00 PM  
A person who didn't respect his own body enough to keep from getting to weigh 800 pounds? I could give a fark how much respect his bloated body is given after he's dead. (Or she.)

And yes, I'd probably feel the same way if it was my family member.
 
2012-10-08 03:06:05 PM  

Corvus: Who the fark cares? Your burning the body anyways.


The family might care...

/Just saying.
/Is it that hard to make a phone call?
 
2012-10-08 03:06:28 PM  
Break out the Shop Vac and perform a post mortem liposuction?
 
2012-10-08 03:06:46 PM  
You chop it up. It's going to be burned anyway, who cares if it's cut into pieces before that happens?
 
2012-10-08 03:08:04 PM  
Really, you need to pick your times wisely. I'm not saying I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I would have "stayed late" one night and while alone, disposed of the body. Nobody should know about the "kinda legal" things you do.

Hey Jim! Help me cut this body into 200 pound pieces. Then I need you to help me move the 20 pounds of coke from the Hearse to the truck of my car.
 
2012-10-08 03:10:11 PM  
The Fifth Dentist: I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .


Hope you don't have a mortgage 'cause you're going to have a helluva time selling your house.
 
2012-10-08 03:10:45 PM  
I submitted this with a better headline.
 
2012-10-08 03:11:09 PM  
Guy starts business.

Guy dismembers corpses. (This is legal, but only with family permission, which he didn't have.)

Guy attempts suicide.

As somebody with a GED in Internet Psychoanalysis, I'm thinking "bipolar."
 
2012-10-08 03:11:37 PM  
Dear wide fellows,

I'll admit, I could stand to lose a few pounds. Maybe a few dozen pounds, if I really pushed it.

But let's get real: when you could stand to lose a few hundred pounds, there is absolutely nothing in life for you that won't be a custom build. There will be things that simply don't exist for you, because it makes no economic sense to build them.

Crematoriums, for example, are one of those things.

But you're one of a kind, to the relief of so many. You should go out in a one of a kind way. Let me just put this out there:

Darth Vader style funeral pyre.

For extra points, have someone project a younger, thinner Force Ghost in to the rising smoke plume.

You're welcome.
 
2012-10-08 03:13:15 PM  
images.starpulse.com

Wanted for questioning
 
2012-10-08 03:13:34 PM  
"Attempted suicide" and "shot himself in the leg"? YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG...
 
2012-10-08 03:14:24 PM  
Well, I guess he could've called the local zoo or large animal vet to see where they cremate large mammals...

People are funny when it comes to rituals, especially regarding death.
 
2012-10-08 03:15:07 PM  
I am guessing two 400 pound loads.

*looks*

Close enough. I can't imagine why you'd need to encumber the family with this information though.It isn't like all the arm ash is going to be in one place and the leg ash in another in the bag you give them.
 
2012-10-08 03:15:07 PM  
A long time ago, a friend of mine got a job driving a limo for a funeral home which also owned a crematorium nearby. On the second day of work, he went to the crematorium on an errand, walked in, and asked "where are the cracklins, I can smell them, and I love cracklins". Turns out there was a very large person being cremated, and indeed there were no cracklins. He lasted another day or two then was let go. I assume for "being insensitive".
 
2012-10-08 03:15:31 PM  
Time for a bar-b-que because the secret is in the sauce.

i1180.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 03:17:41 PM  

farkingismybusiness: You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shiat, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."


Ah, I see this have been covered..... Carry on

/i'm sweet enough
 
2012-10-08 03:17:52 PM  
Why is this a problem? He's just going to burn the farking thing until it's reduced to ash anyway, so what difference does it make? What was he supposed to do with the goddamn land whale, and how is this any worse than the weird shiat they do to bodies to prepare them for funerals? There's nothing particularly sick about this.
 
2012-10-08 03:17:56 PM  

Uglybarnacle: 800 lbs? holy farking shiat. I can kinda understand why he was having issues getting it into the easy bake oven. What did they expect him to do? use a shrink ray?


images2.wikia.nocookie.net

Back Off!
 
2012-10-08 03:18:12 PM  
Meh. Honestly - what the do you expect the guy to do?

I have family members who are nurses and I get to hear all these stories about family members of really fat people getting all upset because the nurses have to explain that they don't have an MRI machine large enough to accommodate them.

The end goal here is to reduce them to ashes. Who cares if they have to chop it up first? Trust me, when you reach 800 pounds you aren't concerned about your body. Add to that the fact that they're dead....they really don't mind.
 
2012-10-08 03:18:39 PM  
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
 
2012-10-08 03:19:07 PM  
Huh. My answer was to run him from the chipper to the Quiznos conveyor toasting oven set on high. Conveyor dumps the line of ashes to a waiting bucket. Done and done.
 
2012-10-08 03:19:13 PM  
oldcookbooks.corecommerce.com
 
2012-10-08 03:19:48 PM  
I guess you could say there's a little bit of Uter in all of us.
 
2012-10-08 03:20:39 PM  

El Brujo: I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.


I think many of the unemployed have considered this career change at some point. I think you would eventually get used to dealing with the whole dead body prep thing, the hard part would be billing and strange requests from crazy relatives. I imagine there would be the whole picking up bodies from the hospital at 3 AM and heavy lifting too.
 
2012-10-08 03:21:09 PM  

Godscrack: Get him in the ground before he starts to smell.


Was he kissed upside the head with an aluminum baseball bat?
 
2012-10-08 03:25:02 PM  

bucket_pup: Time for a bar-b-que because the secret is in the sauce.

[i1180.photobucket.com image 400x321]


Is it hawg bawlin' time again already?
 
2012-10-08 03:26:08 PM  
I'm ok with this.

He's going to be burned anyway. Who cares if we chop him up first?
 
2012-10-08 03:27:10 PM  
He loaded the body onto a funeral pyre with a forklift after getting all the necessary permits?
 
2012-10-08 03:27:11 PM  
Ahh damn you fark, this thread is inexplicably making me ravenous!
 
2012-10-08 03:27:25 PM  
I don't have a problem with this. What the hell difference does it make. Dead is dead. And I don't think calling the family up and saying "Your _______ is too fat to fit into my crematorium. Would you mind if I chopped him/her up into pieces to get the job done?"
 
2012-10-08 03:28:18 PM  
DRTFA
I guess chain saw.
I'd use one.
 
2012-10-08 03:29:31 PM  
toolmonger.com
 
2012-10-08 03:30:08 PM  
Dump him in the Thames?
 
2012-10-08 03:30:16 PM  
i3.ytimg.com
 
2012-10-08 03:32:11 PM  
When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.
 
2012-10-08 03:32:53 PM  

Ivo Shandor: Dump him in the Thames?


Yeah, yeah, but at least I provided visual aids.

/Well I am feeling a bit peckish
 
2012-10-08 03:33:00 PM  
This is what you build a Viking-style longship for.
 
2012-10-08 03:33:11 PM  
well, he didn't complain at the time.
 
2012-10-08 03:34:48 PM  
Bill them twice!
 
2012-10-08 03:35:18 PM  
HaywoodJablonski:
i3.ytimg.com

I think we've got an eater!
 
2012-10-08 03:35:19 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


the blast, blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds
 
2012-10-08 03:36:36 PM  

JackieRabbit: Dead is dead.


media.tumblr.com
 
2012-10-08 03:36:43 PM  
www.mediabistro.com
 
2012-10-08 03:36:54 PM  
What a Charming undertaker . Bet he comes in handy with the local bikers.
 
2012-10-08 03:37:00 PM  
See, Hitler had a legit reason to starve Jews.
 
2012-10-08 03:37:10 PM  
Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).
 
2012-10-08 03:38:05 PM  
Fill a giant plastic pool with Hydrofluoric Acid...

media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com
 
2012-10-08 03:38:53 PM  
I'll bet he had to put the ashes in a big box:
www.funckr.com
 
2012-10-08 03:40:12 PM  
Where is the pic of the firemen covered in burned human fat from the fat guy cremation gone wrong fire? C'mon farkers....you are disappointing me!
 
Ant
2012-10-08 03:41:08 PM  

MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something.


Holy crap! That's a farking awesome idea! Has anyone ever actually done that?
 
2012-10-08 03:41:49 PM  
I've always wondered about the actual fat from a person. Can it be burned off to ash? I'm also thinking this oven is gonna need a bigger drip pan.
 
2012-10-08 03:42:06 PM  
Stick a rag under the gunt and light it, human candle, slower but saves on gas. Hey folks discount on your lard ass relative, bought his own fuel!
 
2012-10-08 03:46:25 PM  
www.mememaker.net
 
2012-10-08 03:48:19 PM  
media.avclub.com

Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

w.mawebcenters.com

There ya go, just rent that one and bypass the safety bar interlock.
 
2012-10-08 03:49:43 PM  

orezona: Fill a giant plastic pool with Hydrofluoric Acid...

[media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com image 500x570]


you'd more than likely die from fume inhalation.
 
2012-10-08 03:51:42 PM  
Hide candy inside and call it a Halloween piñata

img.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 03:51:52 PM  

Millennium: This is what you build a Viking-style longship for.


More like a Viking style WIDEship!

/rimshot
 
2012-10-08 03:53:32 PM  
Hometown made Fark.com. Yay.
 
2012-10-08 03:53:54 PM  
msnbcmedia1.msn.com
 
2012-10-08 03:54:00 PM  
fark.com got two mentions in the comments.
 
2012-10-08 03:55:20 PM  
This is an increasing problem for crematories - they are typically rated around 250 lbs/hr.

A fatty can flash flame and cause the afterburner to be overloaded causing excessive smoke and exceedances of the allowable emission rates for particulate matter and CO for incinerators.

Seen it happen plenty.

/air pollution control guy.
//yep, we test crematory incinerators too.
///sampling your loved ones.
 
2012-10-08 03:56:39 PM  
If it's my dead loved one, I don't want you to call me up and ask me if it's okay to cut the farker up before you crispy-fry his fat ass. That would be a hell of a lot more upsetting that finding out after the fact.

Just make sure he's all the way dead first, and give me the right ashes. Other than that, he's dead. Who cares?
 
2012-10-08 03:56:43 PM  

Oznog: [media.avclub.com image 627x352]

Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

[w.mawebcenters.com image 500x400]

There ya go, just rent that one and bypass the safety bar interlock.

 

While we're on a wood chipper roll...

www.thereelbits.com
 
2012-10-08 03:56:44 PM  

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


Is that legal here in the US? That's an awesome way to die!!!

Then I'd want them to take my bones and create a skeleton from me to display in the house.
 
2012-10-08 03:56:52 PM  
A few years back in my professional career, commercial carpenter, my company landed a job remodeling a funeral home. The director was funny in a gallows humor kind of way. Anyways, one day during lunch he started describing how a body in a crematorium plumps up like a Ballpark Frank, very descriptively. Lunch was a short affair that day. He seemed like the type whose solution to an 800lb body would be to go all Fargo on it.
 
2012-10-08 03:59:31 PM  

Ant: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something.


Holy crap! That's a farking awesome idea! Has anyone ever actually done that?


Unfortunately, yes, it has been done many times
/done to death, you might say
//Lawd, I apologize!
 
2012-10-08 04:00:23 PM  

LeroyBourne: I've always wondered about the actual fat from a person. Can it be burned off to ash? I'm also thinking this oven is gonna need a bigger drip pan.


By itself, it'll melt and burn like cooking grease. Sooty, oily smoke.
Crematoriums were created to combust at higher temps, which reduces a body and its fat to ash and crumbling bone "gravel" (it actually requires a grinder to make the familiar powder, the bone fragments are potentially disturbing).
The fat itself, being largely composed of hydrocarbons, mostly reduces to CO2 upon complete combustion.

However, in the case of extreme obesity, the fat drips off at such a high rate it overflows the pan and spills out, creating the aforementioned gory crematorium grease fire. And I don't think you can fix that by turning it down, because that'll slow down the way the fat is combusted away, and may just make a sooty smolder that fails to reduce the fat effectively yet the body will continue to drip off more and more.
 
2012-10-08 04:00:52 PM  
Too early for the obligatory Donner Party Thanksgiving Feast with chef Jeffrey Dahmer and his Symphony of Sauces, yet Costco has had Christmas stuff up before Labor Day.
 
2012-10-08 04:00:56 PM  
Shoot the hostage ?
 
2012-10-08 04:01:25 PM  
3.bp.blogspot.com
/I just heard he was on Sons of Anarchy, I don't really watch that show
//okay, yes I do and that was a really amusing cameo
 
2012-10-08 04:01:47 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: ZAZ: I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.

I guessing you guessed the same thing I'm guessing



i759.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 04:02:06 PM  
It would be far better combustion practice to build a chipper/incinerator that the current mass burn systems. Heck, you could probably end up with a positive energy sum if you had a heat recovery boiler after the secondary combustion chamber.
 
gja
2012-10-08 04:03:48 PM  

martid4: When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.


DUDE! I just shot vitamin water all over the place. That's farking hilarious.

I am due for burial at sea, so nobody has any effort to expend on my behalf.
 
2012-10-08 04:05:11 PM  
Like Eichmann said, "always put the fat ones on top".
 
2012-10-08 04:05:21 PM  

gja: martid4: When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.

DUDE! I just shot vitamin water all over the place. That's farking hilarious.

I am due for burial at sea, so nobody has any effort to expend on my behalf.


Except the boat could capsize and everyone would drown.
 
2012-10-08 04:05:43 PM  

scottydoesntknow: xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.


Ahhh...reminds me of the only Photoshop contest I've ever won...

imageshack.us
 
2012-10-08 04:10:44 PM  

ArcadianRefugee: it was reported that he dismembered an 800-pound body in the Conyers location in order to fit it into the crematory

...so farking what?

"OMGZ you mutliated that body before mutilating it@!!"

o_O


Pretty much what I was thinking. Now if he did it in front of the family, ok, that's bad...

FTA: "According to CBS Atlanta, Ellenberg, who also is the owner of Metro Embalming and Crematory in Conyers, had his license suspended after it was reported that he dismembered an 800-pound body in the Conyers location in order to fit it into the crematory. Conyers police investigated and reported it is not a crime to do so. Permission needs to be sought from the family first, though, and it is reported that Ellenberg did not do so."

Yea, that'd be a comfortable conversation. Bubba's too fat to burn, you folks mind if I chop him up first? I don't blame the guy for not asking.
 
2012-10-08 04:12:20 PM  
Flense, baby... flense!
 
2012-10-08 04:14:04 PM  
Steak Tartare
 
2012-10-08 04:15:37 PM  

penthesilea: So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.


I reverse-Neti-potted my coffee on that one.
 
2012-10-08 04:15:58 PM  
Oznog:

Interesting. Thank you.
 
2012-10-08 04:21:26 PM  
That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.
 
2012-10-08 04:22:30 PM  

Beerguy: LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment? 

Ask Inform the family first?


"I need to slice up your loved one like cattle. That cool? I mean it is getting burned after all."
 
2012-10-08 04:22:37 PM  

tnpir: [oldcookbooks.corecommerce.com image 409x638]


How do you fit a baby into a jar? ha ha ha.
 
2012-10-08 04:26:07 PM  

Lukeonia1: What do you do?

I'm okay with this. Where this guy ran into trouble was that he didn't get the family's permission first. And I'm guessing they probably don't care either.

That, and he seems to have significant amounts of crazy in his personal and professional life. That part is just a bit sad.


no, not crazy. women problems. actually, you're right. crazy woman problems.

up on 'upside' at least we know he's not one of the many freaks into banging the stiffs. that should ensure him future business once he gets things ironed out.
 
2012-10-08 04:27:54 PM  
sydlexia.com
 
2012-10-08 04:31:13 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


Or this...

ytrewq.com
 
2012-10-08 04:34:26 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: ZAZ: I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.

I guessing you guessed the same thing I'm guessing


I know what I'd do, and I wouldn't be telling anyone afterward either.
 
2012-10-08 04:37:19 PM  
Update my résumé.
 
2012-10-08 04:37:20 PM  
I'm always keen to get useful advice and commercial skills from Fark

ok so if you want to set up a business sub-contracting to the local mafia to dispose of bodies, you have a variety of business models to choose from

car crusher
big deep freeze and big wood chipper
crematorium
fishing boat, pref with deep freeze so body doesn't start to smell while get to deep sea
pig farm

the last one wins hands down, in that we had the story from a few days ago where the hogs managed to clean up the guy feeding them, so it's already been shown to be clean and green

and of course, at the end of the day, you get ....... bacon
 
2012-10-08 04:38:01 PM  

Expolaris: Oznog: [media.avclub.com image 627x352]

Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

[w.mawebcenters.com image 500x400]

There ya go, just rent that one and bypass the safety bar interlock. 

While we're on a wood chipper roll...

[www.thereelbits.com image 520x300]


There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property.
 
2012-10-08 04:38:33 PM  

HoratioGates: That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.


I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at that.
 
2012-10-08 04:38:44 PM  
Slowly feed the body into one of those $1000 blenders and pour it down the drain.
 
2012-10-08 04:40:10 PM  
www.scrap-brokers.com

The urn?
 
2012-10-08 04:42:10 PM  
Jesus, how long would it take to cremate an 800-pound body?

And at what point does a person stop caring that they're over, say, 400 pounds? Like, at 425, do they think, "Holy shiat, I weigh over twice as much as the average human, maybe I should cut back a little." But they just can't (supposedly). Or once you're past the 400-pound mark, it just doesn't matter anymore, you figure, fark it, I'll go for broke. It'll give my family something to talk about for the next 50 years.

Do the ultra-fat not care at all how this might affect other people? Forget about your family. They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house. They'll call the EMTs or the fire department to do that. Not to mention the poor hospital employees.
 
2012-10-08 04:44:18 PM  

valkore: [sydlexia.com image 400x300]


*yougoonie.jpg*
 
2012-10-08 04:49:16 PM  
 
2012-10-08 04:49:22 PM  
Will it blend?
 
2012-10-08 04:50:08 PM  
I guessed dig a ditch out back and set him on fire there but that will work just as well.
 
2012-10-08 04:57:09 PM  
They should render the fatties into BioFuel for diesel engines. It's sorta like green energy meets recycling.

WON'T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT??
 
2012-10-08 04:57:16 PM  

Godscrack: Get him in the ground before he starts to smell.


Six foot two and rude as hell


/sonsab*tch
 
2012-10-08 04:58:09 PM  

browneye: The Fifth Dentist: I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .

Hope you don't have a mortgage 'cause you're going to have a helluva time selling your house.


Too bad Maxie Price doesn't sell houses.
 
2012-10-08 04:58:38 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: Jesus, how long would it take to cremate an 800-pound body?

And at what point does a person stop caring that they're over, say, 400 pounds? Like, at 425, do they think, "Holy shiat, I weigh over twice as much as the average human, maybe I should cut back a little." But they just can't (supposedly). Or once you're past the 400-pound mark, it just doesn't matter anymore, you figure, fark it, I'll go for broke. It'll give my family something to talk about for the next 50 years.

Do the ultra-fat not care at all how this might affect other people? Forget about your family. They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house. They'll call the EMTs or the fire department to do that. Not to mention the poor hospital employees.


You have a deep dark depression pit. You cant fill it with sex for any number of obvious reasons. You cant jack off because of religious or psychological reasons. You cant take drugs because you are too afraid of your family or of being in prison. So you fill it with the last bit of endorphin gathering you have left.......the itus.....turkey coma.....just stuffing yourself until your body starts pumping out endorphins just to get you to stop. Eventually you weigh too much to move, it becomes hard to do anything other than lay there and move slightly so you can be cleaned or wave at a family member to shovel in more food. Thats the other thing they never mention, it takes a team to get somebody this fat. If you have to get up and wipe your own ass and heat your own food then you are burning calories, you wont ever make it past the 450 pound mark. To get to Lovecraftian horror levels of huge you have to have enablers, say daughters or parents who are willing to shove food at you and wipe down your cracks with wet sponges to keep you from dying of an infection.

The lowest flung farking crackwhore who's sucking dongs behind a dumpster for her daily fix can at least look at 500lb plus people and say to herself with pride, "hey. At least im not as bad as that shiat, im just hurtin myself, and my crack baby".


At my heaviest I think I weighed just at 400 pounds, and then I found much healthier ways to deal with depression (which is what it all comes down to, depression). Drugs and alcohol helped me tremendously. Thank god for drugs like weed and Xtacy. These days I stay around 250-275, which isnt as bad as it sounds considering my height. And I do it all without chemical help, nope, just kids. I mean I still feel like eating a .45 caliber sandwich daily but I don't because of my kids.
 
2012-10-08 04:59:00 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.


www.abequipment.co.uk
 
2012-10-08 05:02:08 PM  
Celebrate Burning Man early?
 
2012-10-08 05:03:52 PM  
scrapetv.com
 
2012-10-08 05:05:05 PM  
The article indicates that it isn't illegal to dismember a body for cremation, and it appears that there were other issues that led to his arrest. The fact that he failed to ask the family before cutting up the fatty seems more of a secondary issue. I think the threatening to kill someone and shooting himself in the leg are the bigger foibles.

Brave New World, anyone?
 
2012-10-08 05:06:28 PM  
So why didn't he just uh, deny it?
 
2012-10-08 05:08:40 PM  

orclover: At my heaviest I think I weighed just at 400 pounds


You sound are fat.
 
2012-10-08 05:09:26 PM  

Arkanaut: Make soap?


*Ding, Ding*
Winnar!
 
2012-10-08 05:10:21 PM  

Ass Exploder: [toolmonger.com image 450x314]


I pass that thing on the way to/from my holiday travels.

/Da Yoopers Tourist Trap
 
2012-10-08 05:12:31 PM  

PallMall: Or this...


That's what I was thinking. Pre-cook 'im, so to speak.
 
2012-10-08 05:14:33 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


My first thought was the same: I thought they blew up beached whales...

Honestly though, the idea of having to "supersize" a crematory oven is a little bizzare don't ya think?
 
2012-10-08 05:18:19 PM  
Here's the part that grosses me out. Most of the time the bodies are not embalmed prior to cremation. They just put em in a box and throw them in the oven. Now if an 800 pounder was too big and had to be cut up, what are the odds that cutting off the arms, legs and head were enough to do the job? I would think they would have to cut the torso in half, with all the gory organ spillage that would imply. Can you imagine the mess that would make?
 
2012-10-08 05:18:34 PM  
media.trb.com

This guy is only 425lbs
 
2012-10-08 05:21:05 PM  

Magnanimous_J: Here's the part that grosses me out. Most of the time the bodies are not embalmed prior to cremation. They just put em in a box and throw them in the oven. Now if an 800 pounder was too big and had to be cut up, what are the odds that cutting off the arms, legs and head were enough to do the job? I would think they would have to cut the torso in half, with all the gory organ spillage that would imply. Can you imagine the mess that would make?


Well, I can NOW....
 
2012-10-08 05:22:59 PM  
I guess from now on we should just cremate the extremely obese in a livestock incinerator. That way, the body can respectfully remain intact.

/I can't even imagine what an 800 lb person looks like
//and I don't want to either
 
2012-10-08 05:23:18 PM  

GrizzlyPouch: So why didn't he just uh, deny it?


Yah its not like mortuaries are low on business, I mean people are dying to get into those places!

/try the veal
 
2012-10-08 05:24:17 PM  

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.


So, there really could be a jerk store...
 
2012-10-08 05:26:51 PM  
As seen in Star Wars; nobody is too fat to blowup.
 
2012-10-08 05:30:18 PM  

Ianman: [media.trb.com image 325x425]

This guy is only 425lbs


Mr. Potato Head?
 
2012-10-08 05:34:50 PM  
Hey, now my hometown is famous for dismembering 800lb bodies AND middle-schoolers with syphilis. Awesome!
 
2012-10-08 05:37:32 PM  

Ianman: [media.trb.com image 325x425]

This guy is only 425lbs


Impressive! He has the chin of a 550 lb man.
 
2012-10-08 05:38:42 PM  
Create four 200 pound bodies? Having seen multiple 600 pound people, I don't even want to imagine what an 800 pounder would look like. They'd be like a feebly muscled human skeleton suspended in a three foot radius sphere of fat or something.

The Jami Turman Fan Club: Of course he had to dismember it. How did they expect him to do it?

What I want to know is, did they have to use one of those big milk cans instead of a regular urn to hold all the ashes?


I hope there was a Ralph's around there.
 
2012-10-08 05:38:57 PM  

LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?

Ask the family first?


That was what TFA said was the problem. Not illegal to carve into oven sized portions, just not nice to do it without asking first..

I would have extracted the oil to use for the furnace. Green energy production doesn't have tobe just solar and wind, you know.
 
2012-10-08 05:44:59 PM  

LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?

Ask the family first?


Then he would get sued for asking. The family would say he should have a bigger oven.
 
2012-10-08 05:46:11 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


first time I saw that video, I almost soiled myself laughing. Those poor farkers had no idea what was going to happen next, none at all. Schadenfreude to the max.
 
2012-10-08 05:48:08 PM  
cinemaslasher.files.wordpress.com

Leftovers?
 
2012-10-08 05:48:53 PM  
This has been one of the most... surprisingly educational threads I've seen yet on this site.

G... Good job? O_o'
 
2012-10-08 05:49:24 PM  

The Fifth Dentist: I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .


in the very least, don't drink the local water, there must be something wrong with it
 
2012-10-08 05:49:55 PM  
Who told?
 
2012-10-08 05:52:13 PM  

valkore: [sydlexia.com image 400x300]


Isn't that Goonies? What's the reference?
 
2012-10-08 05:54:25 PM  
We once had to load a 700 pounder into an ambulance. No csb here. Rube Goldstein would have been proud.

Trouble is, if you weigh 700 lbs, chances are high you will need an ambulance at some point.
 
2012-10-08 05:55:13 PM  
Hang the carcass on the hook and trim the fat?
 
2012-10-08 05:58:28 PM  
Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.

*looks in bag*

FRED! I THINK WE HAVE A CHOPPER!
 
2012-10-08 05:58:56 PM  
blu.stb.s-msn.com

Authorities in Graz, Austria, say a crematorium nearly burned down because a woman who was being cremated there was so obese that her body burned uncontrollably (has this happened often in other countries?). The blaze has led to residents of Graz calling for weight limits on people being cremated (which city's crematorium is specially equipped to handle obese bodies?).


Link
 
2012-10-08 06:03:01 PM  

Uglybarnacle: orezona: Fill a giant plastic pool with Hydrofluoric Acid...

[media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com image 500x570]

you'd more than likely die from fume inhalation.


My first job was bottling glass etch, whose chief ingredient is hydrofluoric acid. That is some nasty shiat and the fumes from even very small quantities are hard on the lungs. Mixing a 2 gallon tub required a respirator and exhaust fans. I'd imagine a small pool of it would be an evacuate-the-block situation.
 
2012-10-08 06:04:03 PM  
Perfect opportunity for live steel practice for any local Iaido club that does tameshi training.
 
2012-10-08 06:14:59 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


I Can't Believe It's Not BlubberTM
 
2012-10-08 06:16:50 PM  
skwerl

Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


Disgusting, but quite ecologically sensible. No wasting fuel, no wasting land for a burial plot. I read that they do that because the ground is too hard to properly bury a person and that its hard to find enough fuel to cremate.

And they make trumpets from the thigh bones as part of a religious ritual.
 
2012-10-08 06:17:16 PM  
IS there a polite way to tell the family "He's a porker, I gotta chop him up"

/Largest member of my family died once he hit 400. How do you get to double that and then expect to be cremated?
 
2012-10-08 06:18:59 PM  

Ronin_S: El Brujo: I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.

I think many of the unemployed have considered this career change at some point. I think you would eventually get used to dealing with the whole dead body prep thing, the hard part would be billing and strange requests from crazy relatives. I imagine there would be the whole picking up bodies from the hospital at 3 AM and heavy lifting too.


Yeah, I bet the gross aspects would become normalized and I could probably hang with the on-call nature of the gig too, but I was kind of shocked at the low salary range. If I had to put a price tag on it, I'd think somewhere more in the 80K range would be the base.
 
2012-10-08 06:19:12 PM  
If the 800 lb body was sacred they probably wouldn't have ordered him to put it in an oven
 
2012-10-08 06:24:44 PM  
Oznog: Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

I prefer the wood chipper from this show.

blogs.amctv.com

// wonders how much cash an 800 pound body would spit out
 
2012-10-08 06:27:26 PM  
www.skewsme.com
 
2012-10-08 06:32:32 PM  

SandMann: Trebuchet into a volcano


Because plugging a volcano is a great idea.
 
2012-10-08 06:40:58 PM  
How dare you chop her head off!
I wanted to BURN HER WHOLE...
 
2012-10-08 06:47:07 PM  
according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.
 
2012-10-08 06:49:29 PM  

skwerl: Sky burial.
Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


I read an article once about the vultures. There was a place (India?) where it was very rural and the dead were almost always put out for "sky burial." Problem was, the local farmers had started using some pesticide that killed all the vultures. They didn't know what to do with their bodies anymore, because the vultures didn't come to eat them fast enough to keep it sanitary. They had to quit using the pesticide, which they had tons of, since it had been sold to them cheap after it was banned in most of the world.

Yay, chemical companies.

orclover: At my heaviest I think I weighed just at 400 pounds, and then I found much healthier ways to deal with depression (which is what it all comes down to, depression). Drugs and alcohol helped me tremendously. Thank god for drugs like weed and Xtacy. These days I stay around 250-275, which isnt as bad as it sounds considering my height. And I do it all without chemical help, nope, just kids. I mean I still feel like eating a .45 caliber sandwich daily but I don't because of my kids.


Good luck orlover. Same reason I never did it. I guess I'm glad I didn't. I also had a number of self-destructive habits over the years. Now I have few but I got old in the process. No cure for that one...well, except......fark it, pass the bong.
 
2012-10-08 06:51:47 PM  

Ianman: [media.trb.com image 325x425]

This guy is only 425lbs


There is no way that guy is 425.

625 I'd believe, unless he was only 5 feet tall. I was 470 at one point and had nowhere near as much chinfat as that.
 
2012-10-08 06:53:18 PM  

fat boy: What a Charming undertaker . Bet he comes in handy with the local bikers.


No, but this outfit does:

i.imgur.com

/My own photo, obviously over-exposed.
//I'm sure Mr. Google can provide many examples of motorbike hearse companies.
 
2012-10-08 06:58:36 PM  
I am so glad to see, not one, but TWO references to Oregon's famous exploding whale in this comment thread. Thank you, Fark.
 
2012-10-08 07:01:50 PM  

orclover: Smelly Pirate Hooker: Jesus, how long would it take to cremate an 800-pound body?

And at what point does a person stop caring that they're over, say, 400 pounds? Like, at 425, do they think, "Holy shiat, I weigh over twice as much as the average human, maybe I should cut back a little." But they just can't (supposedly). Or once you're past the 400-pound mark, it just doesn't matter anymore, you figure, fark it, I'll go for broke. It'll give my family something to talk about for the next 50 years.

Do the ultra-fat not care at all how this might affect other people? Forget about your family. They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house. They'll call the EMTs or the fire department to do that. Not to mention the poor hospital employees.

You have a deep dark depression pit. You cant fill it with sex for any number of obvious reasons. You cant jack off because of religious or psychological reasons. You cant take drugs because you are too afraid of your family or of being in prison. So you fill it with the last bit of endorphin gathering you have left.......the itus.....turkey coma.....just stuffing yourself until your body starts pumping out endorphins just to get you to stop. Eventually you weigh too much to move, it becomes hard to do anything other than lay there and move slightly so you can be cleaned or wave at a family member to shovel in more food. Thats the other thing they never mention, it takes a team to get somebody this fat. If you have to get up and wipe your own ass and heat your own food then you are burning calories, you wont ever make it past the 450 pound mark. To get to Lovecraftian horror levels of huge you have to have enablers, say daughters or parents who are willing to shove food at you and wipe down your cracks with wet sponges to keep you from dying of an infection.

The lowest flung farking crackwhore who's sucking dongs behind a dumpster for her daily fix can at least look at 500lb plus people and say ...


OK. I assumed it was some sort of mental problem. Plus enabling family members. Seriously, if you're 800 pounds, there's no way you can walk. The human skeleton can't possibly support that kind of weight every single minute of every single day.

If you weigh 800 pounds, somebody hates you. Because nobody who loves you would help you get that farking heavy.
 
2012-10-08 07:03:45 PM  

Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.

[www.abequipment.co.uk image 390x293]


Yeah, what if you live on the second floor or higher? I'm reminded of that episode of "Rescue Me."
 
2012-10-08 07:04:31 PM  
Feed it to the pigs?.
 
2012-10-08 07:06:27 PM  

lordargent: Oznog: Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

I prefer the wood chipper from this show.

[blogs.amctv.com image 560x328]

// wonders how much cash an 800 pound body would spit out


Loved that show ...
 
2012-10-08 07:08:21 PM  
 
2012-10-08 07:22:07 PM  
Lionel Mandrake:

www.windoweb.it 

Appropriate, but much, much, much, much, much, much, too lean.
 
2012-10-08 07:22:25 PM  

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


I initially thought you may be hinting at this, but that's not a bad way to go.

/Link is to James May's (from Top Gear) Man Lab, in which the ashes of a cat and a budgie are sent high into the atmosphere, in a helium balloon, and scattered all over the Earth.
//If being fired into the Sun is not an option when I'm gone, I'd definitely make my goodbyes that way.
 
2012-10-08 07:26:02 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


I love the exploding whale story. It's funnier than the WKRP turkey drop and actually happened.
 
2012-10-08 07:26:53 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.

[www.abequipment.co.uk image 390x293]

Yeah, what if you live on the second floor or higher? I'm reminded of that episode of "Rescue Me."


www.aerialift.com
 
2012-10-08 07:32:15 PM  
 
2012-10-08 07:33:31 PM  
loki see loki do

It would be far better combustion practice to build a chipper/incinerator that the current mass burn systems. Heck, you could probably end up with a positive energy sum if you had a heat recovery boiler after the secondary combustion chamber.

It was depressing when RET shut down their Continuous Thermal Depolymerization plant in Carthage, MO. I had hopes off being fed into it along with tons of turkey offal (recycled into #2 fuel oil, distilled water and some useful mineral solids - along with `waste' heat to power the process). General Atomic was under contract to the military to build prototypes of mobile thermal depolymerizers - probably useful to clean up any neutron-bombed city.

/will go low-tech with the Turkey Vultures
//if I was 800lb. I'd demand to be dumped into a try pot on a whaling ship (19th Cent. solution)
 
2012-10-08 07:34:54 PM  

Lukeonia1: What do you do?

I'm okay with this. Where this guy ran into trouble was that he didn't get the family's permission first. And I'm guessing they probably don't care either.

That, and he seems to have significant amounts of crazy in his personal and professional life. That part is just a bit sad.


I'm pretty sure if he had firmly told them it was the only way to do it, and good luck finding anywhere else, and perhaps going over portions of the Architect sketch by Monty Python, they wouldn't have had a problem.
 
2012-10-08 07:39:14 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-10-08 07:39:55 PM  
Could've packed him in salt like a fish, then left him out in the sun to cure.
 
2012-10-08 07:40:22 PM  
teto85: Give him liposuction and then burn everything in turns?

Sounds like a plan
 
2012-10-08 07:42:56 PM  
See, if it was my family member, I don't care how you do it, but I don't want to know or think about it.

I guess I'm weird. I just would rather not imagine my loved ones getting chopped up and burned, even if logically it's what has to happen.
 
2012-10-08 07:43:12 PM  
www.cinemorgue2.com

It's a good thing Felix was a little guy...
 
2012-10-08 07:48:45 PM  

Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.

[www.abequipment.co.uk image 390x293]

Yeah, what if you live on the second floor or higher? I'm reminded of that episode of "Rescue Me."

[www.aerialift.com image 316x624]


Reminds me of
 
2012-10-08 08:01:43 PM  
Never understood the emotional attachment to dead bodies. Give them to science or burn them.
 
2012-10-08 08:07:09 PM  
images.buddytv.com

Has it covered
 
2012-10-08 08:09:06 PM  

Communist_Manifesto: HoratioGates: That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.

I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at that.


I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at much of this thread. Awful, awful jokes. Can't help myself though.
 
2012-10-08 08:13:25 PM  
I'm surprised no one has yet called 'shenanigans' on the 800 lb weight. Even all these crazy Farkers can't personally vouch for any sighting over 700. Anyone else suspect a reporting error on the weight?
 
2012-10-08 08:25:14 PM  

gja: martid4: When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.

DUDE! I just shot vitamin water all over the place. That's farking hilarious.

I am due for burial at sea, so nobody has any effort to expend on my behalf.


But, what if you hit the water and came back to life and suddenly find yourself as fish food?
 
2012-10-08 08:27:46 PM  

lethological_lassie: I'm surprised no one has yet called 'shenanigans' on the 800 lb weight. Even all these crazy Farkers can't personally vouch for any sighting over 700. Anyone else suspect a reporting error on the weight?


Probably because 800lbs is *precooked weight.

Now I'm waiting for fatties to start protesting because they're forced to buy 2 cemetery plots, or a second pass through the oven.
 
2012-10-08 08:42:50 PM  
Burial at sea sounds good.
/You're gonna need a bigger boat.
 
2012-10-08 08:48:42 PM  
Meat like that is gotta be roasted slow...like brisket.
 
2012-10-08 08:50:08 PM  

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


That's not nearly as entertaining as i was expecting. I had high hopes of corpses being discharged from the bomb bays of a B-52 at 60,000 ft, over rocks.
 
2012-10-08 08:54:27 PM  

ladyfortuna: Communist_Manifesto: HoratioGates: That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.

I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at that.

I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at much of this thread. Awful, awful jokes. Can't help myself though.


Window seat!
 
2012-10-08 09:02:25 PM  
800 pounds? That would burn for a good long time.

With America getting bigger are we missing a good fuel source for future power?
 
2012-10-08 09:17:26 PM  

desertfool: 800 pounds? That would burn for a good long time.

With America getting bigger are we missing a good fuel source for future power?


You might be on to something. We had to burn a couple of cows because of black leg. That took a couple of days, even had to stir them up with a long pole to keep them burning. Coupling that with what I've seen Better Cheddars and Funyuns do in camp fires; if we start feeding all of the elderly only those two 'food' items, we would have ourselves a long burning, readily renewable resource.
 
2012-10-08 09:41:26 PM  

El Brujo: Ronin_S: El Brujo: I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.

I think many of the unemployed have considered this career change at some point. I think you would eventually get used to dealing with the whole dead body prep thing, the hard part would be billing and strange requests from crazy relatives. I imagine there would be the whole picking up bodies from the hospital at 3 AM and heavy lifting too.

Yeah, I bet the gross aspects would become normalized and I could probably hang with the on-call nature of the gig too, but I was kind of shocked at the low salary range. If I had to put a price tag on it, I'd think somewhere more in the 80K range would be the base.


Well, the salary reflects supply/demand so evidently there's no shortage of people willing and able to do the job. Despite the obvious drawbacks. Seems there must be a lot of people with antisocial tendencies and no aversion to corpses.
 
2012-10-08 09:41:51 PM  
CSB: I lived behind a crematory in New Orleans. Front porch was always covered in ash. You could tell when they were burning a lardass because the smoke was darker & heavier. It smells like burgers. (A really good char-grilled burger joint is one block over & when they burn someone during the lunch rush you can't tell what you're smelling.) Very quiet street.
 
2012-10-08 09:54:21 PM  
Open a Chinese all you can eat buffet?
 
2012-10-08 09:54:21 PM  

libranoelrose: Link


The lack of guarding and the way that guy gets his hands right near the blades make the past life OSHA instructor in me cry.
 
2012-10-08 10:03:29 PM  
 
2012-10-08 10:03:42 PM  

faultytower: I wonder what the premium for an urn that size would be?


I guessing no much for the savvy consumer

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
 
2012-10-08 10:10:18 PM  

DieAchtung: JohnBigBootay: MorePeasPlease: Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive...

Now it's not unreasonable to assume someone in that poor health did not have a lot of people who cared for him, but that's all it is is an assumption because there's simply nothing about it in the article. I have a grotesquely obese family member. He makes horrible decisions and pisses me off frequently but I do care for him.

and if his fat ass doesn't fit in the crematory what would you have them do to get him cremated? 800lbs; it should have been common knowledge among all parties that it wouldn't be a standard cremation.


Christ at 800 pounds you should just throw him in a steel foundry.
 
2012-10-08 10:31:50 PM  

reimanr06: Christ at 800 pounds you should just throw him in a steel foundry let dirty hippies burn him as an effigy in the Black Rock Desert.


FTFY
 
2012-10-08 10:34:23 PM  
So sad and undignified, what happened to that poor 800 pound man.

And then he got dismembered.
 
2012-10-08 10:34:58 PM  
All kidding aside, oversize crematoria might represent a business opportunity. Remains could be brought there and a premium charged,
 
2012-10-08 10:38:00 PM  

octopied: according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.


How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?
 
2012-10-08 10:44:30 PM  
My Dad was in the Korean war. Wasn't on the front lines, but he was a gunnery sergeant. Saw quite a few dead bodies coming down the mountain.

He didn't have a problem with it. However he did say the one thing that he could never get out of his head was the smell of burned flesh. Not very pleasant.
 
2012-10-08 10:46:10 PM  

PallMall: reimanr06: Christ at 800 pounds you should just throw him in a steel foundry let dirty hippies burn him as an effigy in the Black Rock Desert.

FTFY


With all the attendant release of greenhouse gases? I don't think the hippies would go for it.
 
2012-10-08 10:48:18 PM  

mr intrepid: All kidding aside, oversize crematoria might represent a business opportunity. Remains could be brought there and a premium charged,


Not worth the ACLU lawsuits. Remember, we're all EQUAL!! Can't charge lardo extra for the same service without taking some flak.

eddiesocket: How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?


Would you want to tell the family? WTF does it matter anyway?

Oven Master: "Uh... your precious family member will require some modification to property cook his ass."
Family Member: "What? How dare you say such a thing in our time of loss!! I'm calling my lawyer!!"
 
2012-10-08 10:52:23 PM  

Tsar_Bomba1: However he did say the one thing that he could never get out of his head was the smell of burned flesh. Not very pleasant.


Of all the things in this world that I've seen on fire and caught a whiff of... a human has a distinct odor that you'll never forget. This will be the same story from everyone who has been there.

reimanr06: With all the attendant release of greenhouse gases? I don't think the hippies would go for it.


Considering they burn an effigy there anyhow (made of all sorts of materials)... this is a more environmentally friendly option.

If they have pails underneath it to catch the grease, they're both recycling and generating renewable energy. It's a win/win for everyone!
 
2012-10-08 10:55:27 PM  
I think you expect this sort of thing if you leave an 800 pound corpse for somebody to deal with.
 
2012-10-08 10:56:38 PM  
I guess they could have done this.
 
2012-10-08 10:57:28 PM  

PallMall: Would you want to tell the family? WTF does it matter anyway?

Oven Master: "Uh... your precious family member will require some modification to property properly cook his ass."
Family Member: "What? How dare you say such a thing in our time of loss!! I'm calling my lawyer!!"


FTFM, but if his ass comes by the acre, maybe that would have worked too.
 
2012-10-08 11:00:28 PM  
CBS Atlanta reports that Walton County Sheriff's Deputies responded to a suicide attempt by Ellenberg on Aug. 15 when he allegedly shot himself in the leg.

Not the usual modus operandi but it might work if he left it to bleed for a week or so.
 
2012-10-08 11:07:19 PM  
"Bundy Burgers are up!"

www.bundyology.com

/may not be obscure enough
 
2012-10-08 11:16:56 PM  

Alleyoop: "Bundy Burgers are up!"

[www.bundyology.com image 512x384]

/may not be obscure enough


Try not at all.
 
2012-10-08 11:30:59 PM  
oddculture.com

I'd like to fit in her crematory...
 
2012-10-08 11:33:32 PM  
I thought most crematoriums fired off six meatbags at a time and charged extra for those wanting private cremation. Anyhow that's what I head from dude who claimed to have cremated a certain suicidal rock god many moons ago as part of a six-pack.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:03 PM  

PallMall: Tsar_Bomba1: However he did say the one thing that he could never get out of his head was the smell of burned flesh. Not very pleasant.

Of all the things in this world that I've seen on fire and caught a whiff of... a human has a distinct odor that you'll never forget. This will be the same story from everyone who has been there.

reimanr06: With all the attendant release of greenhouse gases? I don't think the hippies would go for it.

Considering they burn an effigy there anyhow (made of all sorts of materials)... this is a more environmentally friendly option.

If they have pails underneath it to catch the grease, they're both recycling and generating renewable energy. It's a win/win for everyone!


How do you get an 800lb corpse rigged tightly enough to a sturdy enough frame to hold it on display in a semi-recognizable form for the 2-3 days it would need to burn?

/Think we'd need to borrow a Farkette's sex swing.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:34 PM  

JackieRabbit: I don't have a problem with this. What the hell difference does it make. Dead is dead. And I don't think calling the family up and saying "Your _______ is too fat to fit into my crematorium. Would you mind if I chopped him/her up into pieces to get the job done?"


Any plans on finishing that thought?
 
2012-10-08 11:56:44 PM  

reimanr06: How do you get an 800lb corpse rigged tightly enough to a sturdy enough frame to hold it on display in a semi-recognizable form for the 2-3 days it would need to burn?

/Think we'd need to borrow a Farkette's sex swing.


They managed to burn a 104ft effigy last year, I'm sure they can figure something out.. what with all the crazy looking apparatuses and large quantities of narcotics.
 
2012-10-09 12:06:30 AM  
I wouldn't belong to any crematorium that would accept me for a dismember ...
 
2012-10-09 12:21:06 AM  
Six tons of wood, fifty gallons gasoline, ten gallons lighter fluid, forty-eight coffee cans, four K-rails and an empty field.

Then charge the customer $11,000.00 for it. Let em take their problem home in two five gallon buckets.

Uncut cocaine makes a wonderful accelerant but burns too hot for the coffee cans.
 
2012-10-09 12:23:48 AM  

Arkanaut: Make soap?


That's a great idea. Really, no lye.
 
2012-10-09 01:07:58 AM  

Huck And Molly Ziegler: I wouldn't belong to any crematorium that would accept me for a dismember ...


I see what you did there...

/The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
 
2012-10-09 01:11:50 AM  
What about flensing? lol
 
2012-10-09 02:42:34 AM  

RatMaster999: [oddculture.com image 350x488]

I'd like to fit in her crematory...


Cripes, I forgot all about that story. Think it was the year I gave in and made an account...
 
2012-10-09 02:52:11 AM  
My advice to the young for future jobs in demand:

1) Tattoo removal expert
2) Stuff for fat people
 
2012-10-09 08:19:03 AM  

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.


Would you use preservatives?

/obscure?
 
2012-10-09 09:19:08 AM  

cedarpark: My advice to the young for future jobs in demand:

1) Tattoo removal expert
2) Stuff for fat people


You, sir or madam, have stolen my business plan!
/HA!
 
2012-10-09 09:25:30 AM  
How do you get to 800 lbs anyway? Eat nothing but cheese and mayonnaise?
 
2012-10-09 10:56:10 AM  

CygnusDarius: Feed it to the pigs?.


4.bp.blogspot.com

Works for Swijin.

Cocksocker.
 
2012-10-09 10:58:19 AM  

sodomizer: How do you get to 800 lbs anyway? Eat nothing but cheese and mayonnaise?


Eat 4-8 thousand calories a day, and dont move. The bowel movements alone probably burn 1,000 calories.
 
2012-10-09 11:01:30 AM  
you know the weird cosmic coincidence about this article and myself. I happen to be reading moby dick for the first time, and I'm at the part where melville is provided a detailed description of the try-works (which are the vats where the cook the whale blubber down to oil).

it goes into great depth about how disgusting the process can become. and, well, it just sounds a lot like the process necessary for this fattie.
 
2012-10-09 11:50:26 AM  
collider.com

Bring three--no, four drums, Jesse.
 
2012-10-09 11:58:36 AM  

AngryJailhouseFistfark: CygnusDarius: Feed it to the pigs?.

[4.bp.blogspot.com image 506x316]

Works for Swijin.

Cocksocker.


I was aiming for Snatch, but Deadwood works well enough :D.
 
2012-10-09 03:16:43 PM  
did someone call for an 800 lb solution?? it is wafer thin!

http://rufflesandpearls.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/mr-creosote.jp g

watch the skit if you've had your lunch already..

Link
 
2012-10-09 11:20:32 PM  

eddiesocket: octopied: according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.

How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?


Probably one of the morgue assistants spoke out after they noticed the massively huge corpse was missing pieces that were previously there.
 
2012-10-10 03:20:29 PM  

octopied: eddiesocket: octopied: according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.

How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?

Probably one of the morgue assistants spoke out after they noticed the massively huge corpse was missing pieces that were previously there.


Even in that instance, I would have asked my boss about it first.
 
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