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(Patch)   You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?   (loganville.patch.com) divider line 292
    More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming  
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38505 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 09:54:21 PM
Open a Chinese all you can eat buffet?
 
2012-10-08 09:54:21 PM

libranoelrose: Link


The lack of guarding and the way that guy gets his hands right near the blades make the past life OSHA instructor in me cry.
 
2012-10-08 10:03:29 PM
 
2012-10-08 10:03:42 PM

faultytower: I wonder what the premium for an urn that size would be?


I guessing no much for the savvy consumer

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
 
2012-10-08 10:10:18 PM

DieAchtung: JohnBigBootay: MorePeasPlease: Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive...

Now it's not unreasonable to assume someone in that poor health did not have a lot of people who cared for him, but that's all it is is an assumption because there's simply nothing about it in the article. I have a grotesquely obese family member. He makes horrible decisions and pisses me off frequently but I do care for him.

and if his fat ass doesn't fit in the crematory what would you have them do to get him cremated? 800lbs; it should have been common knowledge among all parties that it wouldn't be a standard cremation.


Christ at 800 pounds you should just throw him in a steel foundry.
 
2012-10-08 10:31:50 PM

reimanr06: Christ at 800 pounds you should just throw him in a steel foundry let dirty hippies burn him as an effigy in the Black Rock Desert.


FTFY
 
2012-10-08 10:34:23 PM
So sad and undignified, what happened to that poor 800 pound man.

And then he got dismembered.
 
2012-10-08 10:34:58 PM
All kidding aside, oversize crematoria might represent a business opportunity. Remains could be brought there and a premium charged,
 
2012-10-08 10:38:00 PM

octopied: according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.


How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?
 
2012-10-08 10:44:30 PM
My Dad was in the Korean war. Wasn't on the front lines, but he was a gunnery sergeant. Saw quite a few dead bodies coming down the mountain.

He didn't have a problem with it. However he did say the one thing that he could never get out of his head was the smell of burned flesh. Not very pleasant.
 
2012-10-08 10:46:10 PM

PallMall: reimanr06: Christ at 800 pounds you should just throw him in a steel foundry let dirty hippies burn him as an effigy in the Black Rock Desert.

FTFY


With all the attendant release of greenhouse gases? I don't think the hippies would go for it.
 
2012-10-08 10:48:18 PM

mr intrepid: All kidding aside, oversize crematoria might represent a business opportunity. Remains could be brought there and a premium charged,


Not worth the ACLU lawsuits. Remember, we're all EQUAL!! Can't charge lardo extra for the same service without taking some flak.

eddiesocket: How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?


Would you want to tell the family? WTF does it matter anyway?

Oven Master: "Uh... your precious family member will require some modification to property cook his ass."
Family Member: "What? How dare you say such a thing in our time of loss!! I'm calling my lawyer!!"
 
2012-10-08 10:52:23 PM

Tsar_Bomba1: However he did say the one thing that he could never get out of his head was the smell of burned flesh. Not very pleasant.


Of all the things in this world that I've seen on fire and caught a whiff of... a human has a distinct odor that you'll never forget. This will be the same story from everyone who has been there.

reimanr06: With all the attendant release of greenhouse gases? I don't think the hippies would go for it.


Considering they burn an effigy there anyhow (made of all sorts of materials)... this is a more environmentally friendly option.

If they have pails underneath it to catch the grease, they're both recycling and generating renewable energy. It's a win/win for everyone!
 
2012-10-08 10:55:27 PM
I think you expect this sort of thing if you leave an 800 pound corpse for somebody to deal with.
 
2012-10-08 10:56:38 PM
I guess they could have done this.
 
2012-10-08 10:57:28 PM

PallMall: Would you want to tell the family? WTF does it matter anyway?

Oven Master: "Uh... your precious family member will require some modification to property properly cook his ass."
Family Member: "What? How dare you say such a thing in our time of loss!! I'm calling my lawyer!!"


FTFM, but if his ass comes by the acre, maybe that would have worked too.
 
2012-10-08 11:00:28 PM
CBS Atlanta reports that Walton County Sheriff's Deputies responded to a suicide attempt by Ellenberg on Aug. 15 when he allegedly shot himself in the leg.

Not the usual modus operandi but it might work if he left it to bleed for a week or so.
 
2012-10-08 11:07:19 PM
"Bundy Burgers are up!"

www.bundyology.com

/may not be obscure enough
 
2012-10-08 11:16:56 PM

Alleyoop: "Bundy Burgers are up!"

[www.bundyology.com image 512x384]

/may not be obscure enough


Try not at all.
 
2012-10-08 11:30:59 PM
oddculture.com

I'd like to fit in her crematory...
 
2012-10-08 11:33:32 PM
I thought most crematoriums fired off six meatbags at a time and charged extra for those wanting private cremation. Anyhow that's what I head from dude who claimed to have cremated a certain suicidal rock god many moons ago as part of a six-pack.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:03 PM

PallMall: Tsar_Bomba1: However he did say the one thing that he could never get out of his head was the smell of burned flesh. Not very pleasant.

Of all the things in this world that I've seen on fire and caught a whiff of... a human has a distinct odor that you'll never forget. This will be the same story from everyone who has been there.

reimanr06: With all the attendant release of greenhouse gases? I don't think the hippies would go for it.

Considering they burn an effigy there anyhow (made of all sorts of materials)... this is a more environmentally friendly option.

If they have pails underneath it to catch the grease, they're both recycling and generating renewable energy. It's a win/win for everyone!


How do you get an 800lb corpse rigged tightly enough to a sturdy enough frame to hold it on display in a semi-recognizable form for the 2-3 days it would need to burn?

/Think we'd need to borrow a Farkette's sex swing.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:34 PM

JackieRabbit: I don't have a problem with this. What the hell difference does it make. Dead is dead. And I don't think calling the family up and saying "Your _______ is too fat to fit into my crematorium. Would you mind if I chopped him/her up into pieces to get the job done?"


Any plans on finishing that thought?
 
2012-10-08 11:56:44 PM

reimanr06: How do you get an 800lb corpse rigged tightly enough to a sturdy enough frame to hold it on display in a semi-recognizable form for the 2-3 days it would need to burn?

/Think we'd need to borrow a Farkette's sex swing.


They managed to burn a 104ft effigy last year, I'm sure they can figure something out.. what with all the crazy looking apparatuses and large quantities of narcotics.
 
2012-10-09 12:06:30 AM
I wouldn't belong to any crematorium that would accept me for a dismember ...
 
2012-10-09 12:21:06 AM
Six tons of wood, fifty gallons gasoline, ten gallons lighter fluid, forty-eight coffee cans, four K-rails and an empty field.

Then charge the customer $11,000.00 for it. Let em take their problem home in two five gallon buckets.

Uncut cocaine makes a wonderful accelerant but burns too hot for the coffee cans.
 
2012-10-09 12:23:48 AM

Arkanaut: Make soap?


That's a great idea. Really, no lye.
 
2012-10-09 01:07:58 AM

Huck And Molly Ziegler: I wouldn't belong to any crematorium that would accept me for a dismember ...


I see what you did there...

/The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
 
2012-10-09 01:11:50 AM
What about flensing? lol
 
2012-10-09 02:42:34 AM

RatMaster999: [oddculture.com image 350x488]

I'd like to fit in her crematory...


Cripes, I forgot all about that story. Think it was the year I gave in and made an account...
 
2012-10-09 02:52:11 AM
My advice to the young for future jobs in demand:

1) Tattoo removal expert
2) Stuff for fat people
 
2012-10-09 08:19:03 AM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.


Would you use preservatives?

/obscure?
 
2012-10-09 09:19:08 AM

cedarpark: My advice to the young for future jobs in demand:

1) Tattoo removal expert
2) Stuff for fat people


You, sir or madam, have stolen my business plan!
/HA!
 
2012-10-09 09:25:30 AM
How do you get to 800 lbs anyway? Eat nothing but cheese and mayonnaise?
 
2012-10-09 10:56:10 AM

CygnusDarius: Feed it to the pigs?.


4.bp.blogspot.com

Works for Swijin.

Cocksocker.
 
2012-10-09 10:58:19 AM

sodomizer: How do you get to 800 lbs anyway? Eat nothing but cheese and mayonnaise?


Eat 4-8 thousand calories a day, and dont move. The bowel movements alone probably burn 1,000 calories.
 
2012-10-09 11:01:30 AM
you know the weird cosmic coincidence about this article and myself. I happen to be reading moby dick for the first time, and I'm at the part where melville is provided a detailed description of the try-works (which are the vats where the cook the whale blubber down to oil).

it goes into great depth about how disgusting the process can become. and, well, it just sounds a lot like the process necessary for this fattie.
 
2012-10-09 11:50:26 AM
collider.com

Bring three--no, four drums, Jesse.
 
2012-10-09 11:58:36 AM

AngryJailhouseFistfark: CygnusDarius: Feed it to the pigs?.

[4.bp.blogspot.com image 506x316]

Works for Swijin.

Cocksocker.


I was aiming for Snatch, but Deadwood works well enough :D.
 
2012-10-09 03:16:43 PM
did someone call for an 800 lb solution?? it is wafer thin!

http://rufflesandpearls.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/mr-creosote.jp g

watch the skit if you've had your lunch already..

Link
 
2012-10-09 11:20:32 PM

eddiesocket: octopied: according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.

How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?


Probably one of the morgue assistants spoke out after they noticed the massively huge corpse was missing pieces that were previously there.
 
2012-10-10 03:20:29 PM

octopied: eddiesocket: octopied: according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.

How does anyone even know it happened? Did the dumb funeral director tell the family afterwards?

Probably one of the morgue assistants spoke out after they noticed the massively huge corpse was missing pieces that were previously there.


Even in that instance, I would have asked my boss about it first.
 
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