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(Patch)   You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?   (loganville.patch.com) divider line 292
    More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming  
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38518 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 05:58:28 PM
Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.

*looks in bag*

FRED! I THINK WE HAVE A CHOPPER!
 
2012-10-08 05:58:56 PM
blu.stb.s-msn.com

Authorities in Graz, Austria, say a crematorium nearly burned down because a woman who was being cremated there was so obese that her body burned uncontrollably (has this happened often in other countries?). The blaze has led to residents of Graz calling for weight limits on people being cremated (which city's crematorium is specially equipped to handle obese bodies?).


Link
 
2012-10-08 06:03:01 PM

Uglybarnacle: orezona: Fill a giant plastic pool with Hydrofluoric Acid...

[media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com image 500x570]

you'd more than likely die from fume inhalation.


My first job was bottling glass etch, whose chief ingredient is hydrofluoric acid. That is some nasty shiat and the fumes from even very small quantities are hard on the lungs. Mixing a 2 gallon tub required a respirator and exhaust fans. I'd imagine a small pool of it would be an evacuate-the-block situation.
 
2012-10-08 06:04:03 PM
Perfect opportunity for live steel practice for any local Iaido club that does tameshi training.
 
2012-10-08 06:14:59 PM

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


I Can't Believe It's Not BlubberTM
 
2012-10-08 06:16:50 PM
skwerl

Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


Disgusting, but quite ecologically sensible. No wasting fuel, no wasting land for a burial plot. I read that they do that because the ground is too hard to properly bury a person and that its hard to find enough fuel to cremate.

And they make trumpets from the thigh bones as part of a religious ritual.
 
2012-10-08 06:17:16 PM
IS there a polite way to tell the family "He's a porker, I gotta chop him up"

/Largest member of my family died once he hit 400. How do you get to double that and then expect to be cremated?
 
2012-10-08 06:18:59 PM

Ronin_S: El Brujo: I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.

I think many of the unemployed have considered this career change at some point. I think you would eventually get used to dealing with the whole dead body prep thing, the hard part would be billing and strange requests from crazy relatives. I imagine there would be the whole picking up bodies from the hospital at 3 AM and heavy lifting too.


Yeah, I bet the gross aspects would become normalized and I could probably hang with the on-call nature of the gig too, but I was kind of shocked at the low salary range. If I had to put a price tag on it, I'd think somewhere more in the 80K range would be the base.
 
2012-10-08 06:19:12 PM
If the 800 lb body was sacred they probably wouldn't have ordered him to put it in an oven
 
2012-10-08 06:24:44 PM
Oznog: Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

I prefer the wood chipper from this show.

blogs.amctv.com

// wonders how much cash an 800 pound body would spit out
 
2012-10-08 06:27:26 PM
www.skewsme.com
 
2012-10-08 06:32:32 PM

SandMann: Trebuchet into a volcano


Because plugging a volcano is a great idea.
 
2012-10-08 06:40:58 PM
How dare you chop her head off!
I wanted to BURN HER WHOLE...
 
2012-10-08 06:47:07 PM
according to the article it's permissable but he was supposed to get the family's permission first. I don't know any way that could be tactfully broached, and frankly as it was a corpse about to be incinerated, i fail to see the problem.
 
2012-10-08 06:49:29 PM

skwerl: Sky burial.
Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


I read an article once about the vultures. There was a place (India?) where it was very rural and the dead were almost always put out for "sky burial." Problem was, the local farmers had started using some pesticide that killed all the vultures. They didn't know what to do with their bodies anymore, because the vultures didn't come to eat them fast enough to keep it sanitary. They had to quit using the pesticide, which they had tons of, since it had been sold to them cheap after it was banned in most of the world.

Yay, chemical companies.

orclover: At my heaviest I think I weighed just at 400 pounds, and then I found much healthier ways to deal with depression (which is what it all comes down to, depression). Drugs and alcohol helped me tremendously. Thank god for drugs like weed and Xtacy. These days I stay around 250-275, which isnt as bad as it sounds considering my height. And I do it all without chemical help, nope, just kids. I mean I still feel like eating a .45 caliber sandwich daily but I don't because of my kids.


Good luck orlover. Same reason I never did it. I guess I'm glad I didn't. I also had a number of self-destructive habits over the years. Now I have few but I got old in the process. No cure for that one...well, except......fark it, pass the bong.
 
2012-10-08 06:51:47 PM

Ianman: [media.trb.com image 325x425]

This guy is only 425lbs


There is no way that guy is 425.

625 I'd believe, unless he was only 5 feet tall. I was 470 at one point and had nowhere near as much chinfat as that.
 
2012-10-08 06:53:18 PM

fat boy: What a Charming undertaker . Bet he comes in handy with the local bikers.


No, but this outfit does:

i.imgur.com

/My own photo, obviously over-exposed.
//I'm sure Mr. Google can provide many examples of motorbike hearse companies.
 
2012-10-08 06:58:36 PM
I am so glad to see, not one, but TWO references to Oregon's famous exploding whale in this comment thread. Thank you, Fark.
 
2012-10-08 07:01:50 PM

orclover: Smelly Pirate Hooker: Jesus, how long would it take to cremate an 800-pound body?

And at what point does a person stop caring that they're over, say, 400 pounds? Like, at 425, do they think, "Holy shiat, I weigh over twice as much as the average human, maybe I should cut back a little." But they just can't (supposedly). Or once you're past the 400-pound mark, it just doesn't matter anymore, you figure, fark it, I'll go for broke. It'll give my family something to talk about for the next 50 years.

Do the ultra-fat not care at all how this might affect other people? Forget about your family. They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house. They'll call the EMTs or the fire department to do that. Not to mention the poor hospital employees.

You have a deep dark depression pit. You cant fill it with sex for any number of obvious reasons. You cant jack off because of religious or psychological reasons. You cant take drugs because you are too afraid of your family or of being in prison. So you fill it with the last bit of endorphin gathering you have left.......the itus.....turkey coma.....just stuffing yourself until your body starts pumping out endorphins just to get you to stop. Eventually you weigh too much to move, it becomes hard to do anything other than lay there and move slightly so you can be cleaned or wave at a family member to shovel in more food. Thats the other thing they never mention, it takes a team to get somebody this fat. If you have to get up and wipe your own ass and heat your own food then you are burning calories, you wont ever make it past the 450 pound mark. To get to Lovecraftian horror levels of huge you have to have enablers, say daughters or parents who are willing to shove food at you and wipe down your cracks with wet sponges to keep you from dying of an infection.

The lowest flung farking crackwhore who's sucking dongs behind a dumpster for her daily fix can at least look at 500lb plus people and say ...


OK. I assumed it was some sort of mental problem. Plus enabling family members. Seriously, if you're 800 pounds, there's no way you can walk. The human skeleton can't possibly support that kind of weight every single minute of every single day.

If you weigh 800 pounds, somebody hates you. Because nobody who loves you would help you get that farking heavy.
 
2012-10-08 07:03:45 PM

Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.

[www.abequipment.co.uk image 390x293]


Yeah, what if you live on the second floor or higher? I'm reminded of that episode of "Rescue Me."
 
2012-10-08 07:04:31 PM
Feed it to the pigs?.
 
2012-10-08 07:06:27 PM

lordargent: Oznog: Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

I prefer the wood chipper from this show.

[blogs.amctv.com image 560x328]

// wonders how much cash an 800 pound body would spit out


Loved that show ...
 
2012-10-08 07:08:21 PM
 
2012-10-08 07:22:07 PM
Lionel Mandrake:

www.windoweb.it 

Appropriate, but much, much, much, much, much, much, too lean.
 
2012-10-08 07:22:25 PM

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


I initially thought you may be hinting at this, but that's not a bad way to go.

/Link is to James May's (from Top Gear) Man Lab, in which the ashes of a cat and a budgie are sent high into the atmosphere, in a helium balloon, and scattered all over the Earth.
//If being fired into the Sun is not an option when I'm gone, I'd definitely make my goodbyes that way.
 
2012-10-08 07:26:02 PM

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


I love the exploding whale story. It's funnier than the WKRP turkey drop and actually happened.
 
2012-10-08 07:26:53 PM

Smelly Pirate Hooker: Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.

[www.abequipment.co.uk image 390x293]

Yeah, what if you live on the second floor or higher? I'm reminded of that episode of "Rescue Me."


www.aerialift.com
 
2012-10-08 07:32:15 PM
 
2012-10-08 07:33:31 PM
loki see loki do

It would be far better combustion practice to build a chipper/incinerator that the current mass burn systems. Heck, you could probably end up with a positive energy sum if you had a heat recovery boiler after the secondary combustion chamber.

It was depressing when RET shut down their Continuous Thermal Depolymerization plant in Carthage, MO. I had hopes off being fed into it along with tons of turkey offal (recycled into #2 fuel oil, distilled water and some useful mineral solids - along with `waste' heat to power the process). General Atomic was under contract to the military to build prototypes of mobile thermal depolymerizers - probably useful to clean up any neutron-bombed city.

/will go low-tech with the Turkey Vultures
//if I was 800lb. I'd demand to be dumped into a try pot on a whaling ship (19th Cent. solution)
 
2012-10-08 07:34:54 PM

Lukeonia1: What do you do?

I'm okay with this. Where this guy ran into trouble was that he didn't get the family's permission first. And I'm guessing they probably don't care either.

That, and he seems to have significant amounts of crazy in his personal and professional life. That part is just a bit sad.


I'm pretty sure if he had firmly told them it was the only way to do it, and good luck finding anywhere else, and perhaps going over portions of the Architect sketch by Monty Python, they wouldn't have had a problem.
 
2012-10-08 07:39:14 PM
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-10-08 07:39:55 PM
Could've packed him in salt like a fish, then left him out in the sun to cure.
 
2012-10-08 07:40:22 PM
teto85: Give him liposuction and then burn everything in turns?

Sounds like a plan
 
2012-10-08 07:42:56 PM
See, if it was my family member, I don't care how you do it, but I don't want to know or think about it.

I guess I'm weird. I just would rather not imagine my loved ones getting chopped up and burned, even if logically it's what has to happen.
 
2012-10-08 07:43:12 PM
www.cinemorgue2.com

It's a good thing Felix was a little guy...
 
2012-10-08 07:48:45 PM

Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: Quantum Apostrophe: Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.

[www.abequipment.co.uk image 390x293]

Yeah, what if you live on the second floor or higher? I'm reminded of that episode of "Rescue Me."

[www.aerialift.com image 316x624]


Reminds me of
 
2012-10-08 08:01:43 PM
Never understood the emotional attachment to dead bodies. Give them to science or burn them.
 
2012-10-08 08:07:09 PM
images.buddytv.com

Has it covered
 
2012-10-08 08:09:06 PM

Communist_Manifesto: HoratioGates: That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.

I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at that.


I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at much of this thread. Awful, awful jokes. Can't help myself though.
 
2012-10-08 08:13:25 PM
I'm surprised no one has yet called 'shenanigans' on the 800 lb weight. Even all these crazy Farkers can't personally vouch for any sighting over 700. Anyone else suspect a reporting error on the weight?
 
2012-10-08 08:25:14 PM

gja: martid4: When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.

DUDE! I just shot vitamin water all over the place. That's farking hilarious.

I am due for burial at sea, so nobody has any effort to expend on my behalf.


But, what if you hit the water and came back to life and suddenly find yourself as fish food?
 
2012-10-08 08:27:46 PM

lethological_lassie: I'm surprised no one has yet called 'shenanigans' on the 800 lb weight. Even all these crazy Farkers can't personally vouch for any sighting over 700. Anyone else suspect a reporting error on the weight?


Probably because 800lbs is *precooked weight.

Now I'm waiting for fatties to start protesting because they're forced to buy 2 cemetery plots, or a second pass through the oven.
 
2012-10-08 08:42:50 PM
Burial at sea sounds good.
/You're gonna need a bigger boat.
 
2012-10-08 08:48:42 PM
Meat like that is gotta be roasted slow...like brisket.
 
2012-10-08 08:50:08 PM

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


That's not nearly as entertaining as i was expecting. I had high hopes of corpses being discharged from the bomb bays of a B-52 at 60,000 ft, over rocks.
 
2012-10-08 08:54:27 PM

ladyfortuna: Communist_Manifesto: HoratioGates: That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.

I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at that.

I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at much of this thread. Awful, awful jokes. Can't help myself though.


Window seat!
 
2012-10-08 09:02:25 PM
800 pounds? That would burn for a good long time.

With America getting bigger are we missing a good fuel source for future power?
 
2012-10-08 09:17:26 PM

desertfool: 800 pounds? That would burn for a good long time.

With America getting bigger are we missing a good fuel source for future power?


You might be on to something. We had to burn a couple of cows because of black leg. That took a couple of days, even had to stir them up with a long pole to keep them burning. Coupling that with what I've seen Better Cheddars and Funyuns do in camp fires; if we start feeding all of the elderly only those two 'food' items, we would have ourselves a long burning, readily renewable resource.
 
2012-10-08 09:41:26 PM

El Brujo: Ronin_S: El Brujo: I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.

I think many of the unemployed have considered this career change at some point. I think you would eventually get used to dealing with the whole dead body prep thing, the hard part would be billing and strange requests from crazy relatives. I imagine there would be the whole picking up bodies from the hospital at 3 AM and heavy lifting too.

Yeah, I bet the gross aspects would become normalized and I could probably hang with the on-call nature of the gig too, but I was kind of shocked at the low salary range. If I had to put a price tag on it, I'd think somewhere more in the 80K range would be the base.


Well, the salary reflects supply/demand so evidently there's no shortage of people willing and able to do the job. Despite the obvious drawbacks. Seems there must be a lot of people with antisocial tendencies and no aversion to corpses.
 
2012-10-08 09:41:51 PM
CSB: I lived behind a crematory in New Orleans. Front porch was always covered in ash. You could tell when they were burning a lardass because the smoke was darker & heavier. It smells like burgers. (A really good char-grilled burger joint is one block over & when they burn someone during the lunch rush you can't tell what you're smelling.) Very quiet street.
 
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