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(Patch)   You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?   (loganville.patch.com) divider line 292
    More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming  
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38523 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 04:26:07 PM  

Lukeonia1: What do you do?

I'm okay with this. Where this guy ran into trouble was that he didn't get the family's permission first. And I'm guessing they probably don't care either.

That, and he seems to have significant amounts of crazy in his personal and professional life. That part is just a bit sad.


no, not crazy. women problems. actually, you're right. crazy woman problems.

up on 'upside' at least we know he's not one of the many freaks into banging the stiffs. that should ensure him future business once he gets things ironed out.
 
2012-10-08 04:27:54 PM  
sydlexia.com
 
2012-10-08 04:31:13 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


Or this...

ytrewq.com
 
2012-10-08 04:34:26 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: ZAZ: I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.

I guessing you guessed the same thing I'm guessing


I know what I'd do, and I wouldn't be telling anyone afterward either.
 
2012-10-08 04:37:19 PM  
Update my résumé.
 
2012-10-08 04:37:20 PM  
I'm always keen to get useful advice and commercial skills from Fark

ok so if you want to set up a business sub-contracting to the local mafia to dispose of bodies, you have a variety of business models to choose from

car crusher
big deep freeze and big wood chipper
crematorium
fishing boat, pref with deep freeze so body doesn't start to smell while get to deep sea
pig farm

the last one wins hands down, in that we had the story from a few days ago where the hogs managed to clean up the guy feeding them, so it's already been shown to be clean and green

and of course, at the end of the day, you get ....... bacon
 
2012-10-08 04:38:01 PM  

Expolaris: Oznog: [media.avclub.com image 627x352]

Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

[w.mawebcenters.com image 500x400]

There ya go, just rent that one and bypass the safety bar interlock. 

While we're on a wood chipper roll...

[www.thereelbits.com image 520x300]


There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property.
 
2012-10-08 04:38:33 PM  

HoratioGates: That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.


I'm going with you based on how hard I laughed at that.
 
2012-10-08 04:38:44 PM  
Slowly feed the body into one of those $1000 blenders and pour it down the drain.
 
2012-10-08 04:40:10 PM  
www.scrap-brokers.com

The urn?
 
2012-10-08 04:42:10 PM  
Jesus, how long would it take to cremate an 800-pound body?

And at what point does a person stop caring that they're over, say, 400 pounds? Like, at 425, do they think, "Holy shiat, I weigh over twice as much as the average human, maybe I should cut back a little." But they just can't (supposedly). Or once you're past the 400-pound mark, it just doesn't matter anymore, you figure, fark it, I'll go for broke. It'll give my family something to talk about for the next 50 years.

Do the ultra-fat not care at all how this might affect other people? Forget about your family. They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house. They'll call the EMTs or the fire department to do that. Not to mention the poor hospital employees.
 
2012-10-08 04:44:18 PM  

valkore: [sydlexia.com image 400x300]


*yougoonie.jpg*
 
2012-10-08 04:49:16 PM  
 
2012-10-08 04:49:22 PM  
Will it blend?
 
2012-10-08 04:50:08 PM  
I guessed dig a ditch out back and set him on fire there but that will work just as well.
 
2012-10-08 04:57:09 PM  
They should render the fatties into BioFuel for diesel engines. It's sorta like green energy meets recycling.

WON'T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT??
 
2012-10-08 04:57:16 PM  

Godscrack: Get him in the ground before he starts to smell.


Six foot two and rude as hell


/sonsab*tch
 
2012-10-08 04:58:09 PM  

browneye: The Fifth Dentist: I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .

Hope you don't have a mortgage 'cause you're going to have a helluva time selling your house.


Too bad Maxie Price doesn't sell houses.
 
2012-10-08 04:58:38 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: Jesus, how long would it take to cremate an 800-pound body?

And at what point does a person stop caring that they're over, say, 400 pounds? Like, at 425, do they think, "Holy shiat, I weigh over twice as much as the average human, maybe I should cut back a little." But they just can't (supposedly). Or once you're past the 400-pound mark, it just doesn't matter anymore, you figure, fark it, I'll go for broke. It'll give my family something to talk about for the next 50 years.

Do the ultra-fat not care at all how this might affect other people? Forget about your family. They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house. They'll call the EMTs or the fire department to do that. Not to mention the poor hospital employees.


You have a deep dark depression pit. You cant fill it with sex for any number of obvious reasons. You cant jack off because of religious or psychological reasons. You cant take drugs because you are too afraid of your family or of being in prison. So you fill it with the last bit of endorphin gathering you have left.......the itus.....turkey coma.....just stuffing yourself until your body starts pumping out endorphins just to get you to stop. Eventually you weigh too much to move, it becomes hard to do anything other than lay there and move slightly so you can be cleaned or wave at a family member to shovel in more food. Thats the other thing they never mention, it takes a team to get somebody this fat. If you have to get up and wipe your own ass and heat your own food then you are burning calories, you wont ever make it past the 450 pound mark. To get to Lovecraftian horror levels of huge you have to have enablers, say daughters or parents who are willing to shove food at you and wipe down your cracks with wet sponges to keep you from dying of an infection.

The lowest flung farking crackwhore who's sucking dongs behind a dumpster for her daily fix can at least look at 500lb plus people and say to herself with pride, "hey. At least im not as bad as that shiat, im just hurtin myself, and my crack baby".


At my heaviest I think I weighed just at 400 pounds, and then I found much healthier ways to deal with depression (which is what it all comes down to, depression). Drugs and alcohol helped me tremendously. Thank god for drugs like weed and Xtacy. These days I stay around 250-275, which isnt as bad as it sounds considering my height. And I do it all without chemical help, nope, just kids. I mean I still feel like eating a .45 caliber sandwich daily but I don't because of my kids.
 
2012-10-08 04:59:00 PM  

Smelly Pirate Hooker: They're not the ones who will have to carry your giant ass out of the house.


www.abequipment.co.uk
 
2012-10-08 05:02:08 PM  
Celebrate Burning Man early?
 
2012-10-08 05:03:52 PM  
scrapetv.com
 
2012-10-08 05:05:05 PM  
The article indicates that it isn't illegal to dismember a body for cremation, and it appears that there were other issues that led to his arrest. The fact that he failed to ask the family before cutting up the fatty seems more of a secondary issue. I think the threatening to kill someone and shooting himself in the leg are the bigger foibles.

Brave New World, anyone?
 
2012-10-08 05:06:28 PM  
So why didn't he just uh, deny it?
 
2012-10-08 05:08:40 PM  

orclover: At my heaviest I think I weighed just at 400 pounds


You sound are fat.
 
2012-10-08 05:09:26 PM  

Arkanaut: Make soap?


*Ding, Ding*
Winnar!
 
2012-10-08 05:10:21 PM  

Ass Exploder: [toolmonger.com image 450x314]


I pass that thing on the way to/from my holiday travels.

/Da Yoopers Tourist Trap
 
2012-10-08 05:12:31 PM  

PallMall: Or this...


That's what I was thinking. Pre-cook 'im, so to speak.
 
2012-10-08 05:14:33 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


My first thought was the same: I thought they blew up beached whales...

Honestly though, the idea of having to "supersize" a crematory oven is a little bizzare don't ya think?
 
2012-10-08 05:18:19 PM  
Here's the part that grosses me out. Most of the time the bodies are not embalmed prior to cremation. They just put em in a box and throw them in the oven. Now if an 800 pounder was too big and had to be cut up, what are the odds that cutting off the arms, legs and head were enough to do the job? I would think they would have to cut the torso in half, with all the gory organ spillage that would imply. Can you imagine the mess that would make?
 
2012-10-08 05:18:34 PM  
media.trb.com

This guy is only 425lbs
 
2012-10-08 05:21:05 PM  

Magnanimous_J: Here's the part that grosses me out. Most of the time the bodies are not embalmed prior to cremation. They just put em in a box and throw them in the oven. Now if an 800 pounder was too big and had to be cut up, what are the odds that cutting off the arms, legs and head were enough to do the job? I would think they would have to cut the torso in half, with all the gory organ spillage that would imply. Can you imagine the mess that would make?


Well, I can NOW....
 
2012-10-08 05:22:59 PM  
I guess from now on we should just cremate the extremely obese in a livestock incinerator. That way, the body can respectfully remain intact.

/I can't even imagine what an 800 lb person looks like
//and I don't want to either
 
2012-10-08 05:23:18 PM  

GrizzlyPouch: So why didn't he just uh, deny it?


Yah its not like mortuaries are low on business, I mean people are dying to get into those places!

/try the veal
 
2012-10-08 05:24:17 PM  

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.


So, there really could be a jerk store...
 
2012-10-08 05:26:51 PM  
As seen in Star Wars; nobody is too fat to blowup.
 
2012-10-08 05:30:18 PM  

Ianman: [media.trb.com image 325x425]

This guy is only 425lbs


Mr. Potato Head?
 
2012-10-08 05:34:50 PM  
Hey, now my hometown is famous for dismembering 800lb bodies AND middle-schoolers with syphilis. Awesome!
 
2012-10-08 05:37:32 PM  

Ianman: [media.trb.com image 325x425]

This guy is only 425lbs


Impressive! He has the chin of a 550 lb man.
 
2012-10-08 05:38:42 PM  
Create four 200 pound bodies? Having seen multiple 600 pound people, I don't even want to imagine what an 800 pounder would look like. They'd be like a feebly muscled human skeleton suspended in a three foot radius sphere of fat or something.

The Jami Turman Fan Club: Of course he had to dismember it. How did they expect him to do it?

What I want to know is, did they have to use one of those big milk cans instead of a regular urn to hold all the ashes?


I hope there was a Ralph's around there.
 
2012-10-08 05:38:57 PM  

LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?

Ask the family first?


That was what TFA said was the problem. Not illegal to carve into oven sized portions, just not nice to do it without asking first..

I would have extracted the oil to use for the furnace. Green energy production doesn't have tobe just solar and wind, you know.
 
2012-10-08 05:44:59 PM  

LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?

Ask the family first?


Then he would get sued for asking. The family would say he should have a bigger oven.
 
2012-10-08 05:46:11 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


first time I saw that video, I almost soiled myself laughing. Those poor farkers had no idea what was going to happen next, none at all. Schadenfreude to the max.
 
2012-10-08 05:48:08 PM  
cinemaslasher.files.wordpress.com

Leftovers?
 
2012-10-08 05:48:53 PM  
This has been one of the most... surprisingly educational threads I've seen yet on this site.

G... Good job? O_o'
 
2012-10-08 05:49:24 PM  

The Fifth Dentist: I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .


in the very least, don't drink the local water, there must be something wrong with it
 
2012-10-08 05:49:55 PM  
Who told?
 
2012-10-08 05:52:13 PM  

valkore: [sydlexia.com image 400x300]


Isn't that Goonies? What's the reference?
 
2012-10-08 05:54:25 PM  
We once had to load a 700 pounder into an ambulance. No csb here. Rube Goldstein would have been proud.

Trouble is, if you weigh 700 lbs, chances are high you will need an ambulance at some point.
 
2012-10-08 05:55:13 PM  
Hang the carcass on the hook and trim the fat?
 
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