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(Patch)   You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?   (loganville.patch.com) divider line 292
    More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming  
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38521 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 03:32:11 PM  
When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.
 
2012-10-08 03:32:53 PM  

Ivo Shandor: Dump him in the Thames?


Yeah, yeah, but at least I provided visual aids.

/Well I am feeling a bit peckish
 
2012-10-08 03:33:00 PM  
This is what you build a Viking-style longship for.
 
2012-10-08 03:33:11 PM  
well, he didn't complain at the time.
 
2012-10-08 03:34:48 PM  
Bill them twice!
 
2012-10-08 03:35:18 PM  
HaywoodJablonski:
i3.ytimg.com

I think we've got an eater!
 
2012-10-08 03:35:19 PM  

kid_icarus: How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

[i76.photobucket.com image 405x304]


the blast, blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds
 
2012-10-08 03:36:36 PM  

JackieRabbit: Dead is dead.


media.tumblr.com
 
2012-10-08 03:36:43 PM  
www.mediabistro.com
 
2012-10-08 03:36:54 PM  
What a Charming undertaker . Bet he comes in handy with the local bikers.
 
2012-10-08 03:37:00 PM  
See, Hitler had a legit reason to starve Jews.
 
2012-10-08 03:37:10 PM  
Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).
 
2012-10-08 03:38:05 PM  
Fill a giant plastic pool with Hydrofluoric Acid...

media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com
 
2012-10-08 03:38:53 PM  
I'll bet he had to put the ashes in a big box:
www.funckr.com
 
2012-10-08 03:40:12 PM  
Where is the pic of the firemen covered in burned human fat from the fat guy cremation gone wrong fire? C'mon farkers....you are disappointing me!
 
Ant
2012-10-08 03:41:08 PM  

MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something.


Holy crap! That's a farking awesome idea! Has anyone ever actually done that?
 
2012-10-08 03:41:49 PM  
I've always wondered about the actual fat from a person. Can it be burned off to ash? I'm also thinking this oven is gonna need a bigger drip pan.
 
2012-10-08 03:42:06 PM  
Stick a rag under the gunt and light it, human candle, slower but saves on gas. Hey folks discount on your lard ass relative, bought his own fuel!
 
2012-10-08 03:46:25 PM  
www.mememaker.net
 
2012-10-08 03:48:19 PM  
media.avclub.com

Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

w.mawebcenters.com

There ya go, just rent that one and bypass the safety bar interlock.
 
2012-10-08 03:49:43 PM  

orezona: Fill a giant plastic pool with Hydrofluoric Acid...

[media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com image 500x570]


you'd more than likely die from fume inhalation.
 
2012-10-08 03:51:42 PM  
Hide candy inside and call it a Halloween piñata

img.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 03:51:52 PM  

Millennium: This is what you build a Viking-style longship for.


More like a Viking style WIDEship!

/rimshot
 
2012-10-08 03:53:32 PM  
Hometown made Fark.com. Yay.
 
2012-10-08 03:53:54 PM  
msnbcmedia1.msn.com
 
2012-10-08 03:54:00 PM  
fark.com got two mentions in the comments.
 
2012-10-08 03:55:20 PM  
This is an increasing problem for crematories - they are typically rated around 250 lbs/hr.

A fatty can flash flame and cause the afterburner to be overloaded causing excessive smoke and exceedances of the allowable emission rates for particulate matter and CO for incinerators.

Seen it happen plenty.

/air pollution control guy.
//yep, we test crematory incinerators too.
///sampling your loved ones.
 
2012-10-08 03:56:39 PM  
If it's my dead loved one, I don't want you to call me up and ask me if it's okay to cut the farker up before you crispy-fry his fat ass. That would be a hell of a lot more upsetting that finding out after the fact.

Just make sure he's all the way dead first, and give me the right ashes. Other than that, he's dead. Who cares?
 
2012-10-08 03:56:43 PM  

Oznog: [media.avclub.com image 627x352]

Can't even get it to fit into the wood chipper....

[w.mawebcenters.com image 500x400]

There ya go, just rent that one and bypass the safety bar interlock.

 

While we're on a wood chipper roll...

www.thereelbits.com
 
2012-10-08 03:56:44 PM  

skwerl: Sky burial.

Here's some images (NSFW or your lunch).


Is that legal here in the US? That's an awesome way to die!!!

Then I'd want them to take my bones and create a skeleton from me to display in the house.
 
2012-10-08 03:56:52 PM  
A few years back in my professional career, commercial carpenter, my company landed a job remodeling a funeral home. The director was funny in a gallows humor kind of way. Anyways, one day during lunch he started describing how a body in a crematorium plumps up like a Ballpark Frank, very descriptively. Lunch was a short affair that day. He seemed like the type whose solution to an 800lb body would be to go all Fargo on it.
 
2012-10-08 03:59:31 PM  

Ant: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something.


Holy crap! That's a farking awesome idea! Has anyone ever actually done that?


Unfortunately, yes, it has been done many times
/done to death, you might say
//Lawd, I apologize!
 
2012-10-08 04:00:23 PM  

LeroyBourne: I've always wondered about the actual fat from a person. Can it be burned off to ash? I'm also thinking this oven is gonna need a bigger drip pan.


By itself, it'll melt and burn like cooking grease. Sooty, oily smoke.
Crematoriums were created to combust at higher temps, which reduces a body and its fat to ash and crumbling bone "gravel" (it actually requires a grinder to make the familiar powder, the bone fragments are potentially disturbing).
The fat itself, being largely composed of hydrocarbons, mostly reduces to CO2 upon complete combustion.

However, in the case of extreme obesity, the fat drips off at such a high rate it overflows the pan and spills out, creating the aforementioned gory crematorium grease fire. And I don't think you can fix that by turning it down, because that'll slow down the way the fat is combusted away, and may just make a sooty smolder that fails to reduce the fat effectively yet the body will continue to drip off more and more.
 
2012-10-08 04:00:52 PM  
Too early for the obligatory Donner Party Thanksgiving Feast with chef Jeffrey Dahmer and his Symphony of Sauces, yet Costco has had Christmas stuff up before Labor Day.
 
2012-10-08 04:00:56 PM  
Shoot the hostage ?
 
2012-10-08 04:01:25 PM  
3.bp.blogspot.com
/I just heard he was on Sons of Anarchy, I don't really watch that show
//okay, yes I do and that was a really amusing cameo
 
2012-10-08 04:01:47 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: ZAZ: I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.

I guessing you guessed the same thing I'm guessing



i759.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 04:02:06 PM  
It would be far better combustion practice to build a chipper/incinerator that the current mass burn systems. Heck, you could probably end up with a positive energy sum if you had a heat recovery boiler after the secondary combustion chamber.
 
gja [TotalFark]
2012-10-08 04:03:48 PM  

martid4: When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.


DUDE! I just shot vitamin water all over the place. That's farking hilarious.

I am due for burial at sea, so nobody has any effort to expend on my behalf.
 
2012-10-08 04:05:11 PM  
Like Eichmann said, "always put the fat ones on top".
 
2012-10-08 04:05:21 PM  

gja: martid4: When my mother died I got a letter from the funeral home that cremation was permanent and irreversible. After I stopped laughing I called them up and told them I just couldn't decide and asked them if they could cut her in half and just cremate half of her. They didn't think it was funny and hung up on me.

DUDE! I just shot vitamin water all over the place. That's farking hilarious.

I am due for burial at sea, so nobody has any effort to expend on my behalf.


Except the boat could capsize and everyone would drown.
 
2012-10-08 04:05:43 PM  

scottydoesntknow: xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.


Ahhh...reminds me of the only Photoshop contest I've ever won...

imageshack.us
 
2012-10-08 04:10:44 PM  

ArcadianRefugee: it was reported that he dismembered an 800-pound body in the Conyers location in order to fit it into the crematory

...so farking what?

"OMGZ you mutliated that body before mutilating it@!!"

o_O


Pretty much what I was thinking. Now if he did it in front of the family, ok, that's bad...

FTA: "According to CBS Atlanta, Ellenberg, who also is the owner of Metro Embalming and Crematory in Conyers, had his license suspended after it was reported that he dismembered an 800-pound body in the Conyers location in order to fit it into the crematory. Conyers police investigated and reported it is not a crime to do so. Permission needs to be sought from the family first, though, and it is reported that Ellenberg did not do so."

Yea, that'd be a comfortable conversation. Bubba's too fat to burn, you folks mind if I chop him up first? I don't blame the guy for not asking.
 
2012-10-08 04:12:20 PM  
Flense, baby... flense!
 
2012-10-08 04:14:04 PM  
Steak Tartare
 
2012-10-08 04:15:37 PM  

penthesilea: So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.


I reverse-Neti-potted my coffee on that one.
 
2012-10-08 04:15:58 PM  
Oznog:

Interesting. Thank you.
 
2012-10-08 04:21:26 PM  
That's why Hitler starved the Jews first.

Sorry, I'm going to hell.
 
2012-10-08 04:22:30 PM  

Beerguy: LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment? 

Ask Inform the family first?


"I need to slice up your loved one like cattle. That cool? I mean it is getting burned after all."
 
2012-10-08 04:22:37 PM  

tnpir: [oldcookbooks.corecommerce.com image 409x638]


How do you fit a baby into a jar? ha ha ha.
 
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