If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Patch)   You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?   (loganville.patch.com) divider line 292
    More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming  
•       •       •

38517 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



292 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all
 
2012-10-08 02:55:08 PM
That's.... err. Well that's pretty fat I have to say.
I too would have been pretty despairing faced with a problem of that magnitude. Christ that must have been a messy job.

I think I would have just asked for permission, it's all about how you present it: "Your relative was an extraordinary person and we need to take extraordinary steps to help them move on with their journey. So can I bill you for the hire of a heavy duty fork lift and a couple of chain saws?"
 
2012-10-08 02:56:27 PM

JohnBigBootay: MorePeasPlease: Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive...

Now it's not unreasonable to assume someone in that poor health did not have a lot of people who cared for him, but that's all it is is an assumption because there's simply nothing about it in the article. I have a grotesquely obese family member. He makes horrible decisions and pisses me off frequently but I do care for him.


and if his fat ass doesn't fit in the crematory what would you have them do to get him cremated? 800lbs; it should have been common knowledge among all parties that it wouldn't be a standard cremation.
 
2012-10-08 02:56:28 PM

LessO2: Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?

 

Ask Inform the family first?
 
2012-10-08 02:56:52 PM
Slap a thigh and ride the wave in?
 
2012-10-08 02:56:59 PM

JohnBigBootay: LessO2: Ask the family first?

To which they would have answered, if they were being brutally honest with themselves, "does that cost extra?" I have a nickel says they went with the cheapest urn available, spent exactly zero on a funeral service, but now want some money for pain and suffering. I know none of that of course, just an educated guess.


just cause we're bereaved doesn't make us saps!!!
 
2012-10-08 02:57:13 PM
Take him over to the nearest BBQ with a large smoker and cook him in that.
 
2012-10-08 02:58:16 PM
Great, just great! Now I have this craving for BBQ.
 
2012-10-08 02:58:21 PM
He sounds fat.

/Very ashamed now.
 
2012-10-08 02:58:51 PM
Who the fark cares? Your burning the body anyways.
 
2012-10-08 03:01:24 PM
Do I have access to my sawzall?

*reads article*

Apparently that was not the right thing...

it is not a crime to do so. Permission needs to be sought from the family first, though, and it is reported that Ellenberg did not do so.

"Hey, I can't fit your fatass relative into this already large opening, I'm gionna have to chop him up. Cool?"
 
2012-10-08 03:02:32 PM
I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.
 
2012-10-08 03:02:38 PM
Trebuchet into a volcano
 
2012-10-08 03:03:48 PM
Why the hell should anyone care? It's going to be ash soon anyways!
 
2012-10-08 03:04:21 PM
If it's a politician, you could just give them an enema, bury them in a matchbox.

/old but relevant
 
2012-10-08 03:05:35 PM
Take 'em over to Ernie's crematorium.

/rabid weasels.
 
2012-10-08 03:05:58 PM

Arkanaut: Make soap?


Where is Ilsa Koch when you need her. I fancy a lampshade.
 
2012-10-08 03:06:00 PM
A person who didn't respect his own body enough to keep from getting to weigh 800 pounds? I could give a fark how much respect his bloated body is given after he's dead. (Or she.)

And yes, I'd probably feel the same way if it was my family member.
 
2012-10-08 03:06:05 PM

Corvus: Who the fark cares? Your burning the body anyways.


The family might care...

/Just saying.
/Is it that hard to make a phone call?
 
2012-10-08 03:06:28 PM
Break out the Shop Vac and perform a post mortem liposuction?
 
2012-10-08 03:06:46 PM
You chop it up. It's going to be burned anyway, who cares if it's cut into pieces before that happens?
 
2012-10-08 03:08:04 PM
Really, you need to pick your times wisely. I'm not saying I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I would have "stayed late" one night and while alone, disposed of the body. Nobody should know about the "kinda legal" things you do.

Hey Jim! Help me cut this body into 200 pound pieces. Then I need you to help me move the 20 pounds of coke from the Hearse to the truck of my car.
 
2012-10-08 03:10:11 PM
The Fifth Dentist: I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .


Hope you don't have a mortgage 'cause you're going to have a helluva time selling your house.
 
2012-10-08 03:10:45 PM
I submitted this with a better headline.
 
2012-10-08 03:11:09 PM
Guy starts business.

Guy dismembers corpses. (This is legal, but only with family permission, which he didn't have.)

Guy attempts suicide.

As somebody with a GED in Internet Psychoanalysis, I'm thinking "bipolar."
 
2012-10-08 03:11:37 PM
Dear wide fellows,

I'll admit, I could stand to lose a few pounds. Maybe a few dozen pounds, if I really pushed it.

But let's get real: when you could stand to lose a few hundred pounds, there is absolutely nothing in life for you that won't be a custom build. There will be things that simply don't exist for you, because it makes no economic sense to build them.

Crematoriums, for example, are one of those things.

But you're one of a kind, to the relief of so many. You should go out in a one of a kind way. Let me just put this out there:

Darth Vader style funeral pyre.

For extra points, have someone project a younger, thinner Force Ghost in to the rising smoke plume.

You're welcome.
 
2012-10-08 03:13:15 PM
images.starpulse.com

Wanted for questioning
 
2012-10-08 03:13:34 PM
"Attempted suicide" and "shot himself in the leg"? YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG...
 
2012-10-08 03:14:24 PM
Well, I guess he could've called the local zoo or large animal vet to see where they cremate large mammals...

People are funny when it comes to rituals, especially regarding death.
 
2012-10-08 03:15:07 PM
I am guessing two 400 pound loads.

*looks*

Close enough. I can't imagine why you'd need to encumber the family with this information though.It isn't like all the arm ash is going to be in one place and the leg ash in another in the bag you give them.
 
2012-10-08 03:15:07 PM
A long time ago, a friend of mine got a job driving a limo for a funeral home which also owned a crematorium nearby. On the second day of work, he went to the crematorium on an errand, walked in, and asked "where are the cracklins, I can smell them, and I love cracklins". Turns out there was a very large person being cremated, and indeed there were no cracklins. He lasted another day or two then was let go. I assume for "being insensitive".
 
2012-10-08 03:15:31 PM
Time for a bar-b-que because the secret is in the sauce.



i1180.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 03:17:41 PM

farkingismybusiness: You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shiat, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."


Ah, I see this have been covered..... Carry on

/i'm sweet enough
 
2012-10-08 03:17:52 PM
Why is this a problem? He's just going to burn the farking thing until it's reduced to ash anyway, so what difference does it make? What was he supposed to do with the goddamn land whale, and how is this any worse than the weird shiat they do to bodies to prepare them for funerals? There's nothing particularly sick about this.
 
2012-10-08 03:17:56 PM

Uglybarnacle: 800 lbs? holy farking shiat. I can kinda understand why he was having issues getting it into the easy bake oven. What did they expect him to do? use a shrink ray?


images2.wikia.nocookie.net

Back Off!
 
2012-10-08 03:18:12 PM
Meh. Honestly - what the do you expect the guy to do?

I have family members who are nurses and I get to hear all these stories about family members of really fat people getting all upset because the nurses have to explain that they don't have an MRI machine large enough to accommodate them.

The end goal here is to reduce them to ashes. Who cares if they have to chop it up first? Trust me, when you reach 800 pounds you aren't concerned about your body. Add to that the fact that they're dead....they really don't mind.
 
2012-10-08 03:18:39 PM
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com
 
2012-10-08 03:19:07 PM
Huh. My answer was to run him from the chipper to the Quiznos conveyor toasting oven set on high. Conveyor dumps the line of ashes to a waiting bucket. Done and done.
 
2012-10-08 03:19:13 PM
oldcookbooks.corecommerce.com
 
2012-10-08 03:19:48 PM
I guess you could say there's a little bit of Uter in all of us.
 
2012-10-08 03:20:39 PM

El Brujo: I was recently considering the idea of returning to school to get a degree in mortuary science (ie become an embalmer / mortician)

While I've certainly been to lots of funerals in my life, all of them have been, obviously, after the body has been prepared.

I was thinking about this from a job-security / interesting thing to do that is totally out of left field perspective.

On one hand, I really don't know how I would react to the nasty realities of the job (putrid body fluids, decay, mutilated parts, corpse reconstruction, etc etc) I might not even be an able candidate for that sort of work, I don't know...and on the other hand I don't think one starts at much more than 40K a year for that kind of thing.

So, I've kinda put that idea on the back burner.


I think many of the unemployed have considered this career change at some point. I think you would eventually get used to dealing with the whole dead body prep thing, the hard part would be billing and strange requests from crazy relatives. I imagine there would be the whole picking up bodies from the hospital at 3 AM and heavy lifting too.
 
2012-10-08 03:21:09 PM

Godscrack: Get him in the ground before he starts to smell.


Was he kissed upside the head with an aluminum baseball bat?
 
2012-10-08 03:25:02 PM

bucket_pup: Time for a bar-b-que because the secret is in the sauce.



[i1180.photobucket.com image 400x321]


Is it hawg bawlin' time again already?
 
2012-10-08 03:26:08 PM
I'm ok with this.

He's going to be burned anyway. Who cares if we chop him up first?
 
2012-10-08 03:27:10 PM
He loaded the body onto a funeral pyre with a forklift after getting all the necessary permits?
 
2012-10-08 03:27:11 PM
Ahh damn you fark, this thread is inexplicably making me ravenous!
 
2012-10-08 03:27:25 PM
I don't have a problem with this. What the hell difference does it make. Dead is dead. And I don't think calling the family up and saying "Your _______ is too fat to fit into my crematorium. Would you mind if I chopped him/her up into pieces to get the job done?"
 
2012-10-08 03:28:18 PM
DRTFA
I guess chain saw.
I'd use one.
 
2012-10-08 03:29:31 PM
toolmonger.com
 
2012-10-08 03:30:08 PM
Dump him in the Thames?
 
2012-10-08 03:30:16 PM
i3.ytimg.com
 
Displayed 50 of 292 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »





Report