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(Patch)   You're a funeral director. The 800-pound body won't fit in the crematory. Nobody's looking. What do you do?   (loganville.patch.com) divider line 292
    More: Sick, Loganville, Ellenberg Funeral Services, Loganville Funeral Home, Metro Embalming  
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38518 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 2:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 11:35:19 AM
bath salts?
 
2012-10-08 11:38:47 AM
Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-10-08 11:43:50 AM
I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:06 AM

ZAZ: I saw Animal House. I got the right answer.


I guessing you guessed the same thing I'm guessing
 
2012-10-08 11:58:39 AM
imageshack.us

Get him in the ground before he starts to smell.
 
2012-10-08 12:22:02 PM
I wonder what the premium for an urn that size would be?
 
2012-10-08 12:29:05 PM
How do you dismember an 800 lb body??
Oh right...

i76.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-08 12:46:10 PM

Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?


People jerky would make a great secondary side business.
 
2012-10-08 12:57:29 PM

Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?


That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.
 
2012-10-08 01:06:55 PM
When my Dad was cremated I accidentally left him in the trunk of my car for months. Now he's in my sister's attic. Boy is he probably pissed.
 
2012-10-08 01:08:21 PM
Get a bag of flour?
 
2012-10-08 01:08:45 PM

MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.


And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).
 
2012-10-08 01:12:13 PM
it was reported that he dismembered an 800-pound body in the Conyers location in order to fit it into the crematory

...so farking what?

"OMGZ you mutliated that body before mutilating it@!!"

o_O
 
2012-10-08 01:27:28 PM
So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.
 
2012-10-08 01:37:31 PM
Give him liposuction and then burn everything in turns?
 
2012-10-08 01:41:16 PM

xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).


Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.
 
2012-10-08 02:02:51 PM
What do you do?

I'm okay with this. Where this guy ran into trouble was that he didn't get the family's permission first. And I'm guessing they probably don't care either.

That, and he seems to have significant amounts of crazy in his personal and professional life. That part is just a bit sad.
 
2012-10-08 02:34:31 PM

penthesilea: So the biatchy former business partner tattled? If that's the most evil thing she's got on him in her blackmail file, she's got nothing.

Really good thing I'm not a funeral director. I'm not sure I could be trusted with an oven that burns bodies. It would become a 'if you only have a hammer every problem looks like a nail' situation.


My wife got the lulz from my recreation of your comment. Ex giving you grief in the divorce? (slow head turn)
 
2012-10-08 02:36:57 PM
Viking funeral?
 
2012-10-08 02:37:22 PM

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Il Douchey: Dehydrate it -Make that grape a raisin

/How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

People jerky would make a great secondary side business.


www.thrilld.com
 
2012-10-08 02:40:01 PM
Walton County Sheriff's Deputies responded to a suicide attempt by Ellenberg on Aug. 15 when he allegedly shot himself in the leg.

Man this guy can't do anything right.
 
2012-10-08 02:42:08 PM
Have sex with it.
 
2012-10-08 02:43:26 PM
So, apparently the same thing I would do if faced with the same problem. Chainsaw!
 
2012-10-08 02:43:32 PM
images3.wikia.nocookie.net

/approves
 
2012-10-08 02:45:04 PM
800 lbs? holy farking shiat. I can kinda understand why he was having issues getting it into the easy bake oven. What did they expect him to do? use a shrink ray?
 
2012-10-08 02:47:07 PM
Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive, so why all the newfound concern for its post-mortem condition?
 
2012-10-08 02:47:15 PM
I am literally right across the street from this funeral home so I'm getting a kick.....

Between Paul Broun's young earth anti intelligent derp and this dude cutting up corpses dude we're working on a Loganville trifecta

I should really move .
 
2012-10-08 02:47:29 PM

scottydoesntknow: xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.


Something similar happened at the USDA Beltsville's biohazard incinerator and some large pig carcasses about 13 years ago.
 
2012-10-08 02:47:35 PM
That... seems like a fairly practical solution to the given problem.
 
2012-10-08 02:47:40 PM
I'm going to guess... "order a case of A1 steak sauce and sharpen your knife" but looks like the rest of you wierdos already beat me to better ideas.
 
2012-10-08 02:47:46 PM
He's dead. Who cares?
 
2012-10-08 02:47:53 PM
Maybe we need to expand the Florida tag to encompass all of the southeast...

/this happened an hour away from me
//not surprised.
 
2012-10-08 02:48:02 PM
Start a new career!
 
2012-10-08 02:48:27 PM
I mean, if you're going to burn the body to ashes right afterwards, what difference does it make?
 
2012-10-08 02:48:43 PM
Make pulled pork sandwiches for everybody!


/long pig, the other white meat
 
2012-10-08 02:49:23 PM
www.windoweb.it
 
2012-10-08 02:49:24 PM
What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?
 
2012-10-08 02:49:44 PM

Il Douchey: How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?


That's what I was wondering. Unless he told someone, or had someone help him who then told someone, how did anyone find out? It's hard to tell whether the body was dismembered by looking at the ashes.

/TFA not really clear on that point.
 
2012-10-08 02:50:20 PM
ncowie.files.wordpress.com
I'm not gonna let her be a joke.
 
2012-10-08 02:51:06 PM
www.movieactors.com

approves.
 
2012-10-08 02:51:19 PM

MorePeasPlease: Nobody cared about the body when it was ramping up to 800 lbs. while it was alive...


Now it's not unreasonable to assume someone in that poor health did not have a lot of people who cared for him, but that's all it is is an assumption because there's simply nothing about it in the article. I have a grotesquely obese family member. He makes horrible decisions and pisses me off frequently but I do care for him.
 
2012-10-08 02:51:24 PM

Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?


Ask the family first?
 
2012-10-08 02:51:47 PM
www.prosportstickers.com
 
2012-10-08 02:52:33 PM

farkingismybusiness: [ncowie.files.wordpress.com image 480x360]
I'm not gonna let her be a joke.


Holy fark, I haven't seen that movie in years! Dicaprio played an amazing tard.
 
2012-10-08 02:52:53 PM
You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shiat, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig."
 
2012-10-08 02:54:09 PM
Of course he had to dismember it. How did they expect him to do it?

What I want to know is, did they have to use one of those big milk cans instead of a regular urn to hold all the ashes?
 
2012-10-08 02:54:25 PM

scottydoesntknow: xanadian: MaxxLarge: Il Douchey: /How could they tell what he did anyway, and who cares? wasn't it just a big pile of dismembered ashes after the cremation?

That's my question. It's not like he swapped heads in order to avoid changing someone's suit, or something. The guy was getting CREMATED. Big f*ckin' deal.

And was too damn fat to fit in the oven (or whatever they call it).

Not only that, it can be a safety hazard. A crematorium burned down after an extremely fat person basically turned ino a 440lb grease fire.


wow... that was a horrible story. of course it has to close on the note about the firefighters being covered in some kind of black soot (presumably from the burning fat lady).
 
2012-10-08 02:54:33 PM
Make soap?
 
2012-10-08 02:54:49 PM

LessO2: Ask the family first?


To which they would have answered, if they were being brutally honest with themselves, "does that cost extra?" I have a nickel says they went with the cheapest urn available, spent exactly zero on a funeral service, but now want some money for pain and suffering. I know none of that of course, just an educated guess.
 
2012-10-08 02:54:58 PM

Beerguy: What exactly should he have done as an alternative to dismemberment?


Prayer.
 
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