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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com ) divider line
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4806 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-10-08 11:19:37 AM  
22 votes:
Get a paternity test.
2012-10-08 11:31:12 AM  
13 votes:
vasectomies only hurt for a little while
2012-10-08 11:37:45 AM  
10 votes:
The ob shouldn't spike the kid in celebration; that's malpractice
2012-10-08 11:16:53 AM  
10 votes:
My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.
2012-10-08 11:39:21 AM  
8 votes:
2.bp.blogspot.com 
/doesn't have kids
2012-10-08 11:54:18 AM  
5 votes:
Keep your babby's long form birth certificate in a very safe place.
2012-10-08 11:40:13 AM  
5 votes:
I don't have kids. But I'll tell you what I told my dad: "Ha ha, your precious parenting plan didn't count on me turning out to be a spiteful, vindictive, ungrateful asshole, did it, genius?"
2012-10-08 12:03:18 PM  
4 votes:
Start with the flash cards the moment you get the child home. Don't let the baby sleep too much. Sleeping takes time away from learning. Babies that sleep too much don't get a leg up on others and end up as losers. Baby Einstein is good but also get Baby Hawking and Baby Kim Ung-yong.
We started with flash cards while the baby was in the womb but I'm not sure that really paid off. Stay away from children's books. Those are for losers too. Read Webster's Dictionary aloud.

As a parent the main thing you can do to help your child is worry about it. Worry during the day, then stay up and worry at night.
2012-10-08 11:47:01 AM  
4 votes:
Never ever come home from work, look at your (finally) sleeping newborn, and say to your wife who was up all night, hasn't showered in days, and has been dealing with copious poop, engorged, leaky breasts, horrormones, and a fussy baby all day, "Wow. I can not believe how much my life has changed."

She will attempt to kill you.
2012-10-08 04:53:25 PM  
3 votes:
If the diaper says 10-20 pounds, that is pretty much all they will hold.
2012-10-08 02:06:58 PM  
3 votes:
My advice: Put up a poster in the nursery that says:
Hungry
Wet
Tired

I was so sleep-deprived that I was not able to hold all three of those items in my head at once. "Well, he's either hungry, wet, or tired, but he just woke up and I just changed him... so what the fark is he crying about?"

I called this list my "crib sheet."
2012-10-08 11:47:46 AM  
3 votes:
Just so you have a visual and are not surprised, my husband described her head coming out to a, "Wet Saint Bernard trying to come through a cat door".
2012-10-08 11:47:13 AM  
3 votes:

Full Blown Jimbo: Kuligula: NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.

All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.

Yeah, nobody tells you about the constant poop conversations. Size, color, consistency and so on.


As much as I loved Irish mustard before ours, it loses the charm after having something looking exactly like that flying at you from a small anus.
2012-10-08 11:45:57 AM  
3 votes:

Devo: Buy a diaper a size too big for night time.


And one for the kid, too.
2012-10-08 11:43:55 AM  
3 votes:
you will spend the 1st 18 month wishing they could talk to you, and the next 18 years wishing they'd shut the hell up.
2012-10-08 11:39:52 AM  
3 votes:
We had twins 16 months ago. I have no idea what to tell you. I still haven't come to grips with this.
2012-10-08 11:35:51 AM  
3 votes:
Found out the last time the UPS man was at the house.
2012-10-08 07:10:06 PM  
2 votes:

xenomorpheus:

FloydA: croesius: Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...

Don't give them rhyming names or names that start with the same letter.

So that means you can totally go with Tomax and Xamot



Sure you can do that, although for the rest of your life everyone will wonder why you're always talking about feminine hygiene products and antidepressants.
2012-10-08 02:02:36 PM  
2 votes:
There is only one manual of parenting you need. Seriously, it has everything you will ever need.

www.doobybrain.com
2012-10-08 01:47:56 PM  
2 votes:
You've just invited a very drunken midget to live in your home for an indefinite amount of time. This midget is so farking drunk that it will take YEARS to sober up and become a rational, coherent person.
2012-10-08 01:06:53 PM  
2 votes:
Go around your house and break everything.

You'll get over it.
2012-10-08 12:09:30 PM  
2 votes:
Get used to beating off. You're never getting it the natural way anymore. Invest in lotion.
2012-10-08 12:06:51 PM  
2 votes:
Sooner or later your child will walk
Sooner or later your child will come into your bedroom and wake you out of a sound sleep to tell you they "don't feel good".
IMMEDIATELY cover your head to avoid the intense spew of vomit that will follow within the next 5 seconds.
Trust me on this.

/bitter experience
//lactose intolerant kiddos
///barf-o-rama
////slashies!
2012-10-08 11:48:54 AM  
2 votes:
If you child has flailing limbs of death that defy even the strongest of swaddles and results in frequent wake-ups, securing said child with velcro will not work and will only result in your partner recounting this story over and over to everyone imaginable.
2012-10-08 11:47:23 AM  
2 votes:

nodubs: Really? We loved the Kirkland ones. A box of 1-2 lasted a month, and are the right size for storing crap in later.


You're not supposed to store the poop in a diaper. You should throw it away.
2012-10-08 11:39:46 AM  
2 votes:
Get an abortion, because anyone who thinks of their little one as a 'crotchfruit' and calls other people who have children 'breeders' should not raise a child.
2012-10-08 11:38:08 AM  
2 votes:
Scietntific studies have show that pregnant ladies are 47% more likely to let you put it in their butt.
2012-10-08 11:13:06 AM  
2 votes:
Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.
2012-10-10 07:49:27 AM  
1 vote:
spank early, and spank often.

This might have prevented the pregnancy in the first place!
2012-10-09 04:58:45 AM  
1 vote:
If you have a son, learn the "peek" routine when changing diapers. Untape the diaper (assuming you're using disposibles) and lift up one side and peek to see if the baby is still peeing. If he is, put the diaper back in place until he's done. This saves you getting a faceful of pee from baby's factory installed fire hose.

I tried to warn my dad about this when he was changing my son's diapers one day during a visit. He didn't listen and got hosed down by his first grandbaby.
2012-10-08 11:07:45 PM  
1 vote:
Get a belt ready. If you don't have a belt, how about the laptop power cord?
2012-10-08 08:03:48 PM  
1 vote:
www.jazzles.comwww.funnycoloring.com- is the father
2012-10-08 06:42:18 PM  
1 vote:

Flashfyr3: Learn to swaddle like a champ. A tight swaddle works wonders at nap/bedtime. Practice now so you won't suck at it. (use a pillow to simulate a whiny baby)


Sorry, but I have to add to this. Don't use a pillow, find a de-clawed cat and practice swaddling it. With all limbs wrapped to where the cat cannot escape for 20 seconds or so. Then you will be at apprentice level of putting baby to sleep.
2012-10-08 05:08:51 PM  
1 vote:
upload.wikimedia.org
2012-10-08 04:58:34 PM  
1 vote:

BHK: Don't get divorced before they are aged 8. If you do, they'll blame themselves for it. It's inevitable. If you do get divorced while they are very young, put them in some personal development programs as teens so they can get over your ruination of their lives.


Forwarding this to my selfish coont of an ex-wife. Thanks!
2012-10-08 04:39:15 PM  
1 vote:
Create their FARK ID now, so when they grow up they can impress all their friends with such a low number.
2012-10-08 03:57:06 PM  
1 vote:

Cheek: War_Kittens: Don't let your wife buy all the baby crap, you don't need 80% of it. If she likes shopping (haha "if"), she will break your bank account. Get the basics and don't get deluxe, elite anything, just basic stroller, breast pump, etc. because the baby will outgrow all of it quickly and it will be useless unless you are having more kids.

My wife would take exception to the comment about the pump. We bought a cheap pump ($100 isn't cheap to me, but that's a relative term I guess) at Target that almost caused her to give up on breastfeeding completely. We rented the nice Medela pump from the hospital which made a huge difference. I ended up dropping $300 (I told you $100 is cheap) on a Medela pump, but it allowed my wife to continue breastfeeding at home and pumping while she was at work. She breastfed our first for 12 months and our second is due at the end of December. Based on the ridiculous price for a can of formula, the Medela pump has more than paid for itself.


I also found that in addition to paying for the decent pump, sitting in the same room with her while she's pumping and alternatively mooing and giggling really helped her enjoy this blessed experience.
2012-10-08 03:45:08 PM  
1 vote:
Two words:


SMOKING HOT NANNY

2012-10-08 02:50:34 PM  
1 vote:

rushthatspeaks: So, who's the father?


Fb-

Duh.
2012-10-08 01:49:02 PM  
1 vote:

imasig: Doubletwist-: My advice is not so much things we didn't do that we wish we did, but some things we did do that I'm really glad for.

We used the proper words and complete sentences. 

Now I understand how grammar nazi's are created.


Dear god. Did not need apostrophe.
2012-10-08 01:14:21 PM  
1 vote:
Who the father was.
2012-10-08 12:56:58 PM  
1 vote:
They are ungrateful little f**kers!!! Sell their spare organs on Ebay NOW!
2012-10-08 12:35:25 PM  
1 vote:
The terrible 2's last from 2 to 22.
2012-10-08 12:19:22 PM  
1 vote:
Oh..there will be a day when your wife walks up to with the child and says "Here.You take it" She will look like someone you have never seen before. Don't ask any questions. Don't argue. Don't tell here just a minute. Take the child and let her go do whatever it is she needs to do.
2012-10-08 12:15:53 PM  
1 vote:
Don't call them "crotchfruit."
2012-10-08 12:10:55 PM  
1 vote:
One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

...just in time for her to puke all over herself and the bed, again.

Things like this will happen to you.
2012-10-08 12:04:39 PM  
1 vote:
Apparently you shouldn't buy new furniture, subby.
2012-10-08 12:04:02 PM  
1 vote:

Damili: Just so you have a visual and are not surprised, my husband described her head coming out to a, "Wet Saint Bernard trying to come through a cat door".


You're married to Jeff Foxworthy?
2012-10-08 12:02:11 PM  
1 vote:
Invest in copious amounts of Vodak, Xanax and Weed.
2012-10-08 12:00:19 PM  
1 vote:

TrixieDelite:

Cloth diapers are a joke. God invented disposables for a reason. Use them.


They suck as diapers, but they make great burp rags. I always kept a pile near the changing table for burpies and general cleanup. They actually absorb....eh..."spills"... rather than just smear them around. And they're super easy to launder.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I occasionally used them as hazmat face masks.
2012-10-08 11:59:04 AM  
1 vote:
If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?
2012-10-08 11:58:53 AM  
1 vote:
imgs.xkcd.com
"On one hand, every single one of my ancestors going back billions of years has managed to figure it out. On the other hand, that's the mother of all sampling biases."

imgs.xkcd.com
Kids are genetic experiments. We're just experimenting responsibly! 


I'm sure there are others....these just popped into mind.
2012-10-08 11:55:25 AM  
1 vote:
I echo all the sincere advice above. My little addition is this:

BOSE Noise Cancelling Headphones

They are a lifesaver. You can still hear the baby screaming its little head off, but it's not nearly as annoying.

/I have a 21-month-old son and a 3-month-old son
2012-10-08 11:53:16 AM  
1 vote:
Take my advice: None of the advice you are given, solicited or unsolicited, will apply to your own situation.
2012-10-08 11:52:55 AM  
1 vote:
You guys go ahead and perpetuate the species. I'm scared to death of being legally responsible for the health and well-being of another human. I mean, I don't even own plants.
2012-10-08 11:52:25 AM  
1 vote:
Don't get a hot au pair.
2012-10-08 11:51:35 AM  
1 vote:
When all else fails, get buble stuff and blow bubbles at fussy babby. He (she) will often stop screaming to watch them.

Be careful not to get soap bubbles in babby's eyes, or the screaming will resume.
2012-10-08 11:51:22 AM  
1 vote:
Here is a tid bit, once they are mobile, a baby can move twice as fast and has arms that are twice as long as you remembered. They will get into EVERYTHING!
2012-10-08 11:51:15 AM  
1 vote:
Cancel your plans and lower your standards.
2012-10-08 11:50:04 AM  
1 vote:
It is ancient and royal advice handed down from the deep, storied days of Britain's past...

calitreview.com

/also, buy wipes by the pallet. you're going to be wiping piss and poop off of everything in the house
2012-10-08 11:48:44 AM  
1 vote:

Just Another OC Homeless Guy: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

Pretentious gay intellectual douchbags attempting to build up their own egos by tearing down others. Seriously.


You're about 270 years late there. Seriously.
2012-10-08 11:48:33 AM  
1 vote:
It is HER labor story. Not yours. Do not tell it.

Hers.

Not yours.
2012-10-08 11:47:54 AM  
1 vote:
The diameter of an unpopped kernel of popcorn is approximately 0.5 mm larger than the diameter of the ear canal of a typical 4 year old male.
2012-10-08 11:46:27 AM  
1 vote:

Damili: When the baby is big enough to where you can really start feeling the movement, a bag of frozen peas to the belly is a great way to get the baby to move.


Eh, falcon punch works just as well.
2012-10-08 11:44:49 AM  
1 vote:
Just think of yourself as a Salmon and you'll do fine.
2012-10-08 11:44:26 AM  
1 vote:
Savor every moment you spend with your child, even the ones that seem not so fun right then. You have no idea how much time speeds up once you have children, and those moments will be gone almost faster than you can appreciate them.
2012-10-08 11:44:03 AM  
1 vote:

gingerjet: Your friends will be happy and excited for you. But they have limits - don't speak about the kid every minute you are with them because eventually they will kill you.


The friends who don't have kids wont be your friends for long. That's not to say you will ditch them or they will ditch you. But you can't do the same stuff that you could before you had kids. You will drift apart.
2012-10-08 11:42:03 AM  
1 vote:
Tell your wife to get the #@(*&@#@# epidural.
Seriously.
2012-10-08 11:41:55 AM  
1 vote:
It's never going to be the right day to quit sniffing glue.
2012-10-08 11:41:23 AM  
1 vote:
Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.
2012-10-08 11:41:20 AM  
1 vote:
Find out ahead of time what to say when she gives you the news.
Too late now.
2012-10-08 11:41:07 AM  
1 vote:
Don't wear good shoes to the delivery.
2012-10-08 11:40:13 AM  
1 vote:
If the kid appears to be a little wiggle monster when changing a diaper use the floor, not the changing table. They can't fall off the floor.
2012-10-08 11:38:00 AM  
1 vote:
Instead of buying...

Rent to own.
2012-10-08 11:35:43 AM  
1 vote:
Your friends will be happy and excited for you. But they have limits - don't speak about the kid every minute you are with them because eventually they will kill you.
2012-10-08 11:33:04 AM  
1 vote:
Soak the beans!!!
2012-10-08 11:32:16 AM  
1 vote:
Get one of those books that tells you what it's like to be pregnant and what it's like to have a baby. You'll probably freak out at a lot of things that just turn out to be normal and expected.

Get a Boppy pillow and bring it to the hospital. Get a swing.

After the baby is born, have someone run and get a box of donuts and coffee from Dunkin' Donuts or something similar. Bring it to the nurse's station on your hospital floor and tell them that it's for them as a thank you. Bring an empty duffel bag to your room after that.
2012-10-08 11:22:06 AM  
1 vote:

NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.


All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.
 
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