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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4799 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 08:21:11 PM  
Advice? Dude you are past the point of no return - you are in the SH*T. Fake your own death now....hey, that's good advice for the kid, too!
 
2012-10-08 08:24:19 PM  
And when the time comes that they grow up and leave and on the one hand you're sad that they're gone but on the other hand you're relieved to finally have some quiet alone time with your spouse again? That doesn't usually last long because they go off and make their own babies and THEN THEY COME BACK!!

/four kids
//five grandkids
 
2012-10-08 08:33:18 PM  

priapic_abandon: Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.


assets.diylol.com

Oh god, can't stop laughing
 
2012-10-08 08:43:37 PM  

Monirae: Buy a shampoo vac. Trust me.

This.
I don't know if you have these where you live, but they are great for kids and pets.

Also, read to your kid as much as possible from birth to.. they get tired of it. I'm sure it puts them miles ahead in terms of talking, learning, grammar, etc. Use small simple books.
 
2012-10-08 08:49:50 PM  

orbister: Maturin: I've been in pediatrics for twenty-five years. Of the infants who have died from SIDS in my practice, all of them did so in their parents bed. Never sleep with your infant.

How many children was that? Did they die of SIDS or were they smothered? Did the parents smoke or drink? How does your experience compare with peer-reviewed studies of co-sleeping? How do you explain this, from Dr Sears?


Let me state again. All of the infants who have died from SIDS in my practice did so in their parents bed. There have been no exceptions. I have had many infants whose parents smoked, drinked, took drugs (before, during, and after pregnancy). I have had parents whose infants who slept on their stomaches, who slept in unsafe cribs with stuffed animals, bumper pads, and fleece blankets. Those were not the babies who died. The babies who died from SIDS were in a parent's bed. Were there other factors such as parental smoking? In some cases yes. But in some instances there were parents who were trying to do so safely. They failed.

I do make an exception for some parents who want to sleep with their infants. Parents who live in the Amazon rainforest in grass huts should sleep with their infants, because they have jaguars and anacondas.
 
2012-10-08 08:51:27 PM  
It flies by. It's cliche because it's true.

Remember the phrase "it's time you won't get back". Especially when you think you have to work late or get pissed off over something. You don't.

In 20 years the broken window and grass stains on their new clothes won't seem like a big deal.

They will be just like you, good and bad. But they will be unique too.

Your wife will cry their first day of kindergarten. You will cry when they drive off to college.

Neither of you will ever stop worrying about them.

Other than that....take them home and love them!
 
2012-10-08 08:55:08 PM  
Gerber bottles with the disposable liners. Don't bother with all the sanitizing of anything but the nipples. No excessive burping and you just toss them away. Also buy the cheap-o diapers for traveling. You can slap on a clean one every five minutes and not worry about the cash.
 
2012-10-08 08:55:57 PM  

Don't Lag Me Bro: Also, read to your kid as much as possible from birth to.. they get tired of it. I'm sure it puts them miles ahead in terms of talking, learning, grammar, etc. Use small simple books.


Kids seem to really like the Sandra Boynton books.
 
2012-10-08 08:58:51 PM  

bludemos: jbuist: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.

Yep. Subby, there's a 20% chance of miscarriage before week 12. After that 5% of pregnancies still result in miscarriage.

Sadly, THIS

It just happened to me and my wife... baby was 8 weeks. Now it is no more... :'(


My condolences. I lost my first at 12 weeks. He would have been 17 this year. But now we have our wrapping 11 year old. It gets easier.
 
2012-10-08 08:59:36 PM  
I meant strapping 11 year old. Thanks auto correct!
 
2012-10-08 09:00:18 PM  

grinding_journalist: Subby here - first green!

Hey Subby, congrats. A couple comments from my mother when I mentioned this thread to her (no kids of my own)

Sleep when they sleep - best advice she got from anyone.

They grow up fast, but every stage of their growth has it's own unique joys.

 
2012-10-08 09:03:02 PM  
Don't believe people who tell you that you ill spoil your children. If you give them everything they want and support them fully in everything they do they will be great.
 
2012-10-08 09:09:03 PM  
Get a journal or notebook now for everything from taking notes during your baby classes to questions for your doctor. And when the baby is born, it's great for pediatrician appointments or funny things they say and do or simple notes to your kid so when they're older they can read it.

And for your wife, once the kid shows up, make it a point to take a shower everyday. Just put the kid in a bouncy seat in the bathroom and jump in -- even if it's 3 p.m. It's not so much about smelling good as it is about simply feeling human.
 
2012-10-08 09:10:42 PM  

UberDave: My wife and I waited, by choice, for 16 years to have our son (two years old now). I whats helpful can depend on your age. I was old enough to have a little more understanding of what other people go through with their children. That said, I would think "training" yourself on having patience is the big thing.

And on the poop thing - don't let it scare you. I was utterly repulsed at the prospect of having to clean another person's shiat. That ended the second my son was born...like flipping a switch. It was nothing.

Oh, and they're going to get dirty and they are going to hurt themselves. Some parents go off the deep end with respect to this. Be reasonable.


It ended the day we cbrought our kid home here. He'd wet all the way through the car seat on the way home. It was absolutely no thing.

Congrats subby, and welcome to the RIDE of your life. My boy just turned one and I am so glad I did this. :)

Advice? Easy. Watch your deductible be met by trips to YOUR doctor, not the kid's - that child is going to attract bugs to you by just existing. Double that if he goes to daycare; kids get all sorts of colds and flus (stomach flu is a FAVE!) that get passed on to you. Prepare for your kid to smile through most of the sickness; you're going to be miserable.

Before he was 9 months old, our son had put my husband in the hospital by bringing home hand, foot, and mouth disease (oh, and prepare for your child to get that, most kids do. It's NOT fun). For most kids it's an innocuous disease (all my son had was a fever and two blisters, and he was fine), but for adults that have never had it...wow. My husband gave the infectious disease specialist at a major hospital in Chicago pause because she'd never personally seen an adult case!
 
2012-10-08 09:12:57 PM  
During delivery: When the doctor rolls out the sheet stand off to the side. That stuff doesn't wash out.

Also about 50 percent of all women squeeze out a turd while pushing. Ignore it, make no comments if it happens and never ever speak of it afterwards.
 
2012-10-08 09:16:44 PM  
Oh, also....

PROTIP: onesies have a head hole big enough to get the shoulders through, so you don't necessarily have to cut one of them off him after a random poop explosion. Just pull over the shoulders, and shimmy him out!

(seriously, no one on my moms forum realized this until about the third month when someone made the discovery. I sure hadn't thought about it.)
 
2012-10-08 09:17:09 PM  
Your main job as a parent is to raise your child(ren) to be independent, productive, well-adjusted adults. Pay attention to them, involve them in the things that you do around the house, keep the lines of communication open. Give them age-appropriate responsibilities, hold them accountable and praise them for doing well. Be supportive and approachable, but be the parent.

That being said, relax, have fun with them, and laugh at the little ups and downs of daily life. And don't be afraid to set reasonable limits and stand your ground.

/3 boys who grew up to be fine men, they would make any parent proud
//4 grandkids (the youngest hasn't 'settled down' yet)
 
2012-10-08 09:18:15 PM  
Do NOT make trimester trailers in iMovie.

/My cousin and his wife is expecting, due next month.
//He has way too much time on his hands.
 
2012-10-08 09:25:26 PM  
Do the Earth and her resources a favor.

Abort it now.

Totally serious.
 
2012-10-08 09:43:24 PM  
1. Don't call it crotchfruit in front of your wife or either set of grandparents. Not if you want to live.
2. You don't need a 400 dollar stroller... go to ebay.
3. You don't need a 400 dollar stroller, but if the wife wants one. Say yes.
4. Learn how to give back and foot massages. She'll need them.
5. Pack a bag for you too to go to the hospital. I didn't, she threw up on me. nuff said.
6. In answer to the #1 question in your head the moment the child is born. Yes, you are up to this.
 
2012-10-08 09:53:12 PM  
If you don't already have $120k in a college account, it's OK. The world needs ditch diggers too.
 
2012-10-08 09:53:30 PM  
"Quantity-time" is better than "Quality-time"
 
2012-10-08 09:53:53 PM  
Screw the stroller - make sure you have a reliable (read: new) heavy-duty washer/dryer. You will not believe how much laundry a 7 lb 3 oz babby can generate.
 
2012-10-08 10:00:47 PM  
Don't laugh when your gf starts getting really big. Oh ans you better not laugh when she sneezes and pees her pants. Lol OK laugh a little, I use to make my wife laugh and she would pee everywhere haha.

Um Lets see... don't feel bad if at first you're not instantly bonded to your newborn the way you're gf is. Women and men are different it took me 4 or 5 weeks before I truly felt that my son was mine and I loved him.
 
2012-10-08 10:06:35 PM  
#1 Take tons of pictures

#2 train them right from day one to go to sleep when you put your hand over their eyes. (honestly the best thing I ever did with a newborn, I could put him down for a nap or get him back to sleep after a midnight feeding in three seconds by covering his eyes. Just do it every time they look sleepy, it becomes a trigger for sleep pretty quickly.)

#3 stop spending money on stupid stuff, you are really going to want a large investment portfolio in about 13 years.

#4 food variety.....if you want them easy to feed when they are 7, feed them all sorts of stuff when they are one.
 
2012-10-08 10:09:07 PM  

jmr61: Do the Earth and her resources a favor.

Abort it now.

Totally serious.


We breeders will get along just fine as soon as all you idiots zero sum yourselves out of existence. See, a parent will do without for their kids.....but a spoiled elitist needs everything right now and when he cant have it, he blames other peoples kids.

Get over yourself.
 
2012-10-08 10:16:18 PM  
Give your kids hugs,lot of hugs.
And when they are older they hug you back.
 
2012-10-08 10:18:09 PM  
advice for your wife...I know some people hate yoga, but the best thing i did for myself during pregnancy was a prenatal yoga class. It really cut down on my back pain, helped my feet swelling (a bit), and increased my flexibility in the hip area which helps during labor. also, kegels are important if you want to push that baby out quick...practiced kegels throughout pregnancy and I pushed my daughter out in 15 minutes.
 
2012-10-08 10:38:13 PM  
Don't panic- consider how many incredibly stupid people successfully raise children. You will be fine, trust me
 
2012-10-08 10:46:56 PM  
Go with your gut on EVERTHING. No question is too dumb, no worry too small.

Even if your wife breastfeeds, you aren't getting shiat for sleep. Don't be fooled by the first week.

Remember the obvious. Each day they're a day older. You only get today once. Don't put anything off, because you never know when something could happen to you or your little one. My oldest is three and a half. It seriously feels like he was born yesterday.

And last but not least- it's worth it. Every dirty diaper, every crying fit, all of it. It's worth it. It's changed me in ways I never expected. We nearly didn't have kids. I'd never have known what I would've missed.

Congratulations to you and the wife.
 
2012-10-08 10:47:22 PM  

Pateroctus: Don't panic- consider how many incredibly stupid people successfully raise children. You will be fine, trust me


I don't know how "successfully" some people do it.

Keepin it real (stupid), a career in pr0n, lawyers... I guess all that has to come from somewhere, but I wouldn't necessarily call that a success in parenting.
 
2012-10-08 10:54:38 PM  
Don't watch any House episode with pregnant women or children. It's not good to watch. I kept making that mistake.

Know the signs for Autism. We didn't believe in autism until the doc'shiat us over the head with it.

Battery operated swings are awesome. We had one where we put him in his car seat / carrier and then it plugged into a swing. It was very convenient when trying to get ready. Also good when the little one is gassy. He'd at least go to sleep.

Parenting, even a kid with ASD, is much easier than I thought. I think I expected the absolute worst.

Also, with any claim on safety look at it statistically. If the odds are less than 1 in 100,000 it's probably not worth worrying about.

After 4 months and the kid is healthy they can sleep through the night. We did a modified Ferber method. Remember that sleeping through the night is defined as 6 hours strait. That 6 hours might start at 7PM.

I signed up for their recall list emails. I found out that the baby sling I used was recalled for several infant deaths. I did not regift that one.
https://www.cpsc.gov/cpsclist.aspx

My SO and I can't afford babysitters often so we do movie dates one at a time. He goes to the movie first, I go after he gets back. Then we talk about the movie. The great thing is, if the movie is truly awful, I can skip it.

Make sure that the two of you can get out together at least once a month and that the two of you can get out as individuals once a month.

I recommend this site to keep you sane:
http://www.freerangekids.com/

My milk dried up almost immediately after I returned to work. I tried like mad to keep it up but the stress was too much.

Don't buy cheap formula and don't farking touch that toddler formula crap. Toddler formula is glorified chocolate milk.

If you can avoid it, don't stand or sit down wind or down stream while changing diapers. My husband came running when he heard the shriek. Newborn poop squirts out. That happened twice.
 
2012-10-08 11:07:35 PM  
Expect the unexpected. Always.

Have fun with them and don't take the little things seriously.

Set firm but reasonable limits. Stick to them no matter what. (And be careful what you threaten,'cause odds are you'll have to follow through.)

Don't use baby talk. Your child is just as capable of learning the phrase "please act appropriately" as the phrase "quit it".

Remember that schools today do not challenge kids. That's going to have to be your role. If they come home with a poorly-spelled or incorrect paper that has a star or a smiley face on it, tell them good job for satisfying teacher's standards, but now it's time to satisfy mom and dad's. Then make the kid fix the mistake.

Don't just answer their questions. Ask questions right back until they figure out the answer themselves.

Give them chores from the time they can walk. Start small--sorting socks or helping empty trash.

Let them choose their own clothes if they insist. It juat isn't worth the struggle.

If something is wrong with the kiddo, don't panic. Focus on their abilities and teach them how to independently build skills to make up for their weaknesses and inabilities.

They will be who they are going to be. You have no choice.

If they have an intreest, move heaven and earth to give them the opportunity to explore it, but DO NOT push them or do it for them.

The kid will have more than one temper tantrum in public at totally inopportune times. Accept this. Respond just as you would if you were in your own livibg room and ignore the jerky armchair-quarterback-non-parents who have their own version of temper tantrum over it.

If your gut tells you something is wrong, listen to it. If yor wife's gut tells her something is wrong, listen to it. If someone else tells you something is wrong, check it out, but think for yourselves.

Teach your kid math and logic skills from day one. It will do them a world of good.

Read to the kid every night without fail.

Hooked on Phonics actually works pretty well.

When they are little, save yourself time and energy and just feed them naked. Babies are easier to clean than clithes. When eating in public, change them into already stained clothes before feeding them.

Don't stress about breastfeeding in public. Just do it. Some jerk might say something, but most people with a problem with it just scowl and ruin their own days getting all twisted up about it. (Also, sweetly telling the jerks who say something to go fark themselves works wonders.)

Make every day fun and silly.

Put chalkboard paint in your house. It's fun.

Write your kids silly messages and put them in their lunchboxes.

Hug them and kiss them every day and never ever miss an opportunity to say "I love you."

Know that boy's underwear can be made into a pretty effective slingshot and/or rubber band, and that at some point they will figure this out. The upshot is that you should look upward when you are quickly staightening the living room, just in case there is underwear on the ceiling fan.

At some point or another, your child will hand you a booger as if this is normal. Be prepared for this and hope it is their booger.

They also might eat and or play in their own poop. Do not be too alarmed.

Be happy!
 
2012-10-08 11:07:45 PM  
Get a belt ready. If you don't have a belt, how about the laptop power cord?
 
2012-10-08 11:13:19 PM  

ListeningOrange: At some point or another, your child will hand you a booger as if this is normal. Be prepared for this and hope it is their booger.


Ha! My four year old grandson handed my wife a booger tonight while we were eating dinner. It was awesome!
 
2012-10-08 11:17:50 PM  

naughtyrev: Get a paternity test.


Hell yes, cuz biatchez be lyin'!!!
 
2012-10-08 11:26:06 PM  
Drown it at birth!

Surely I jest! Best advice I can give you is , love them fully and unconditionally...
Teach them as much as you can. Hold them while you can.
As the father of an 18 and 21 year year old, I have seen the highs and lows.

And in 18 years or so, you will understand the joke at the beginning of my post.
 
2012-10-09 12:18:44 AM  

croesius: As a fellow father-to-be, this thread is a definite bookmark. Keep the tips coming!

/may 13th!


Buy as much as you can used, as they're going to tear stuff to hell anyway.

Take pictures of the birth (you can avoid the graphic stuff if you wish)

Be careful after the first bath (mine pissed all over me)

Breastfeed for as long as you can if possible

You can still have mommy-daddy time, but you have to be more creative and be prepared to have to deal with being interrupted at any time in the proceedings (Our first had the nickname Daddy's Little Cock Blocker for a while)

Most of all, enjoy it.

/Two Boys, The oldest will be 3 in January and the youngest just turned 4 months
 
2012-10-09 12:20:01 AM  
Look out for colic.

Research it RIGHT FRAKKIN' NOW while you still have a little time.

Holy SHIAT that is a vile, evil and perverse affliction. Usually hits around three months or so.

The poor wee bairn's in some serious stomach pain and can't communicate save by that terrible miserable wailing.
 
2012-10-09 12:31:24 AM  
Get your shiat straight and running like clockwork.
Start teaching them quantum physics the moment they can coo at it.
Always talk in front of them, never in another room.
RICE FLAKES in the bottle - not a lot but always some, give em time to soak up the juices.
Don't buy Simulac.
Four extra sets of sheets for the sheet.
Warm the air up in the house.
Do baby exercises, turn head left, turn head right... leg lifts, etc. Babies will get the lazy and it can deform their neck in the short term.
Buy some condoms, best treatment for post-partum is gentle rape. Unless she wants to go right back into the preggerz - which if you WANT two kids IS advised.
Skip the green beans and peas in the jar. Buy broccoli and lentils, overcook the lentils with the dark green bits of the broccoli in the pan with them, mesh strain and shovel.
Pillow and camping pad for the baby's room if its separate.
PUT THE BABY IN A SEPARATE ROOM.
Buy more phones and turn the ringers way way down.
Put her computer in the baby's room.
Read them at least eight thousand words of well written material per day. Include outlines, lists, songs, poems and political editorials. Its about the forms not the content.
Twenty thousand would be better.
When you read them baby stories or children's stories... don't show them the book, get pencil and paper and DRAW the stuff from the book in front of them.

Treat them and raise them like the last forty years of your life depends on them. Don't skimp.
 
2012-10-09 01:16:21 AM  
DNA test when it's delivered, bro.
 
2012-10-09 01:18:27 AM  

nacho_nacho_man: Remember that nobody wants to see Facebook posts and pictures of ultrasound, fat belly, more ultrasound, nursery decorating, baby shower, more fat belly, hospital pictures, and Billy's First Everything experiences for the next 6 years until the little monster goes off to school. Enjoy those moments yourself, but don't be disillusioned into thinking anyone else gives a crap about your little snowflake.


Motherfarkin THIS
 
2012-10-09 01:22:31 AM  
Day one advice? Your baby (as mine was) might be ugly at first.

Just saying.
 
2012-10-09 02:06:18 AM  

grinding_journalist: Subby here - first green!

This thread is about what I expected. Thanks to all providing real, thoughtful advice. We've been trying for a while, and I've read a number of "the books" so far, and I've always felt that asking real people for real advice is more useful. My "what's one piece of advice" question has come in very handy at new jobs, new schools, vacation locations, or when setting out on a new hobby or project; I find it's usually the most practical.

I'm very excited, despite all of the "how can you bring a child into this terrible world" BS.

bdub77: Get an abortion, because anyone who thinks of their little one as a 'crotchfruit' and calls other people who have children 'breeders' should not raise a child.

Had to pander to FARK to get the green.

taglius: Your job is to turn them into an adult, not to make them like you. They can like you in 20 years when they (hopefully) realize what you were doing.

I am going to try, it's always been my theoretical plan.

WelldeadLink: Find out ahead of time what to say when she gives you the news.
Too late now.

She woke me up to tell me. I'm pretty sure I said "What?" followed by "Are you sure?" She says that when she told me, I got this huge smile, and that's all she really wanted.


Vertdang: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.

This too

We're planning on telling everyone at Thanksgiving, via "World's Greatest Grandpa/Grandma/Uncle/Aunt" coffeemugs and sweatshirts. "We got you something, since we won't see you at X-Mas!" "What the hell, I'm not a grandpa..."

*grins*

priapic_abandon: Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesp ...


Dpm
t let them know that the last baby in the world came to Molly Grue

they don't know what they see
 
2012-10-09 02:11:26 AM  
Buy some condoms, best treatment for post-partum is gentle rape.

Line of the thread, right there
 
2012-10-09 02:15:53 AM  
Make friends with other new parents, and/or start going to church where there are lots of young parents about. The support system alone is worth it.
Also remember this, new baby clothes are expensive, but hand-me-downs are free.
 
2012-10-09 04:20:09 AM  
RUN, RUN , RUn
 
2012-10-09 04:52:31 AM  

lostcat: - stroller


We had one and used it precisely twice. Sling for the first year and backpack thereafter worked very well for us.
 
2012-10-09 04:58:25 AM  

king cranium maximus IV: Married here, for five years. 30, as is my wife. We don't have kids. We aren't going to have kids. We have our love, our careers, our passions, our cats, our quiet time, and our free time.


You might be surprised at the number of very happy parents who would have said the same at some point. If it keeps on working for you, all the very best, but don't be afraid to acknowledge that things may change.
 
2012-10-09 04:58:45 AM  
If you have a son, learn the "peek" routine when changing diapers. Untape the diaper (assuming you're using disposibles) and lift up one side and peek to see if the baby is still peeing. If he is, put the diaper back in place until he's done. This saves you getting a faceful of pee from baby's factory installed fire hose.

I tried to warn my dad about this when he was changing my son's diapers one day during a visit. He didn't listen and got hosed down by his first grandbaby.
 
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