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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4783 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 05:24:01 PM

croesius: Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...


Depending on what type of twins you have, expect to visit the doctor 2-3 times a week.
Don't become attached to the idea of breastfeeding, high chance you will end up supplementing with formula and trying to do both creates a non-stop feed cycle.
Don't become attached to the idea of a non surgical birth, there's about a 50% chance it will end up surgical after the first twin is out.
Weight gain can be 60lbs.
Snap-n-go double stroller is your friend.
Boppy pillows are your friend, all varieties.
Feed them at the same time even if one is sleeping and has to be woken.
 
2012-10-08 05:27:59 PM
Take this test

ftl:

1. Go to your favorite grocery store. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is an excellent choice, If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
 
2012-10-08 05:28:07 PM
Hot dogs, when sliced, are the perfect diameter to choke a kid.

Cut them in half after slicing.
 
2012-10-08 05:28:16 PM
Mine were born in the late '90s, and this older-school stuff worked for us.

Help the baby sleep on its side with a prop pillow. Link We had happy kids and their skulls didn't flatten. I'm seeing a ton of those foam head-shapers these days. I guess the current advice is to leave them on their backs, but that seems weird to me. Like letting your super-drunk buddy lay there to choke on puke like Jimi Hendrix.

If you're on a budget, don't bother with a crib. Get a "pack-n-play" type of thing Link They just outgrow them in a year or so anyway.

When you do choose to go to formula (we did the night feedings right away with the bottle--kids are smart and can suck on both boobs and bottles) start lazy and with cold formula. Kid #1 loved it. Kid #2 needed room-temp, but it was worth the try. Little-known fact--formula doesn't go bad for like 8 hours. For kid #2 we pulled a bottle from the fridge when he went to bed so it was room-temp a few hours later. Worked like a charm.

NEVER let your kid sleep in the bed with you. Or if you do in a emergency, make sure you're not drunk or such a heavy sleeper you could smother the baby. That seems to be popular here in Milwaukee right now.  Link
 
2012-10-08 05:29:18 PM

priapic_abandon: Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.


Yeah, I went this route. All 3 of my progeny are perma-farked now, but they all have very acute BS meters!
 
2012-10-08 05:30:19 PM

Crewmannumber6: tkwasny: You have only 2-3 years to establish the rest of their life and the rest of their life with you. Sounds cold but establishing a repeating structured scedule of eating (every molecule), sleeping, playing, teaching/learning will produce a productive loving person that is an asset to society and your family.
Don't want to make the effort or take the time? You just ensured your child a hell on Earth until age 40 and a relationship of eternal warfare.
My 3 came out flawless now that they are grown and moved on. Never a day in detention, never an arrest, never anything embarrassing. Exception grades and tons of friends.

Interesting. While we weren't unstructured with our kids, dinner time, bed time and playing were not cast in stone. Teaching/learning presented itself at anytime, day or night, and it amazes me how lucky we are to have 4 pretty amazing kids, who never fail to make me proud.

I know people who schedule every minute of their kids' time without variance, and those kids are the most indulged, selfish, entitled kids I know. But that may be their parents structuring their own selfish entitled attitudes into them, so ya never know.


Consistent structuring for the 1st 3 years was my point, then it's flexible times and events. Things fall into place naturally. Establishing the subconscious, 4D structure in the brain that fits them into society and family is my main message.
 
2012-10-08 05:32:37 PM

croesius: Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...


Don't give them rhyming names or names that start with the same letter.
 
2012-10-08 05:35:21 PM
Do nothing to aggravate your wife. She is going to be super crazy for the nexxt.. uh... several YEARS.
 
2012-10-08 05:36:18 PM

Begoggle: Create their FARK ID now, so when they grow up they can impress all their friends with such a low number.


They will be able to buy that by then.

SLEEP!
 
2012-10-08 05:39:48 PM
- tons of people who are dumber than you are have done this - you will get through it.
- trust your instinct
- enjoy the ride; it goes by fast & it gets better every day
 
2012-10-08 05:41:19 PM
Over an 18 year span, your "crotchfruit" just cost you $250,000. And that doesn't count college.
 
2012-10-08 05:47:39 PM
Cleaning the cat box. Learn to live with it. Learn to love it.
 
2012-10-08 05:51:48 PM
Spend extra time teaching them everything about the world you know. Nature, sex, the universe, music, religion. Tell him/her anything and everything you can about anything you can think of. Give them the choice to believe in God, or not to, inform them of their choice. Love them and be strict, but loving and fair. Don't let them make bad choices if you can help it, but give them the advise and protection that you can, but also give them the freedom to make mistakes, and hope they aren't big ones. Give them a respect for their elders, veterans, and all life.
 
2012-10-08 05:53:10 PM
Your house will never be clean again.
Your prized possessions will not survive, its OK though because some how they become your kids.
Cleanliness is relative to the number of kids you have.
With the first you boil and sterilize everything.
By the third you discover that your spit is just as good at cleaning off a binky.
You will never sleep the same again.
When they are babies they will keep you awake.
Later you check on them while they sleep.
Be prepared to learn how to have sex with a kid knocking on the door "what are you doing in there".
Private time does not exist.
You cant be a parent with a do what I say not what I do kind of attitude.
Kids are giant mirrors. They will pick up both the good and bad things you do.
Be the best person you can be.
Take a deep breath before getting mad at them. Pick your battles carefully.
In the long run what happened is not that big of a deal
I learned this one the hard way.

CSB time.
Once when my youngest was 1.5 I was having an argument with my 12 year old.
My youngest kept coming in the room and getting between us.
I put her in the hall and turned to shut the door. I was angry and didn't watch as closely as I should have.
I ended up shutting her finger in the door.
She almost lost the top half of her finger.
I tear up every time I think about it.
It still breaks my heart that I did that to her.

Finally I will say that 18 years seems like such a long time when you start having kids....Its not. It flies by. It seems like every time I blink another year has gone by.
Congrats. Enjoy being a parent.
It is the most frustrating, expensive and emotional thing you will ever do.
But it is also the most worth it.
 
2012-10-08 05:53:40 PM
Oh, and take pictures / movies of them as much as possible. When they have grown up and moved out, it's all you'll have to look back on, unless they live close and visit allot. Save their schoolwork they bring home in a box. Great to look at in later years. Save a lock of their baby hair.
 
2012-10-08 06:00:18 PM
When the day comes that your child is old enough to get on the internet get a firewall and block all traffic to 'fark.com'.
 
2012-10-08 06:00:19 PM
Don't dismiss things like cloth diapers or breastfeeding as "that hippy shiat". (I know, this is Fark. I am aware.) That hippy shiat is most likely wisdom handed down through generations of women who you know, kinda have this thing nailed down.

At first, I could not believe that scraping crap off of cloth and then washing it in the machine was easier than just throwing out a plastic diaper. Until I learned that once you get the system down, it's really quite easy. And much healthier for your crotchfruit.

And finally, if your kid is screaming get them the fark outside at your earliest convenience, please. Thank you sincerely.
 
2012-10-08 06:09:08 PM
Velcro swaddling wraps. They'll scream like hell while putting it on, but they won't make another peep until morning.
 
2012-10-08 06:13:01 PM

Big Ramifications: Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.


THIS

Their little fingers fit perfectly under the keys. And you can never put them back in (sort of like the babies themselves).
 
2012-10-08 06:15:01 PM
You planned and expected her to be knocked up by some other guy? Dude, divorce.

/I'm sure I'm not the first to say that and I'm not reading the whole thread
 
2012-10-08 06:16:34 PM
This is the prime time to have an abortion subby, you can still get out of this.
 
2012-10-08 06:21:33 PM
This advice is really for your wife, not for you. Don't judge your own mothering by other people's standards. If you think your baby is the prettiest and smartest baby in the nursery, great. But if you look at junior and think, "Damn, you're funny looking," don't worry about it. Mother love isn't always instantaneous, and that's okay. It grows over time.

My own mother was one of those glowing creatures who loved pregnancy and was in love with her baby from the get-go. I, on the other hand, felt like I had the flu for nine months. Then I gave birth to a tiny stranger. For the first few months, I felt like a babysitter, like his "real" mom might come collect him at any time. Zero maternal instincts. I didn't feel warm and connected, even when nursing him. ( I did it for six months with each child, but I never liked it. Didn't feel lie a madonna, felt like a milk cow.)I wasn't depressed or anything- but I wasn't like a lot of the other moms, who all seemed to have fallen madly in love with their infants. My mother in particular worried- I didn't coo at the baby, didn't tell stories about him. He was in my life, but he wasn't my whole life. I seem to have managed to have a baby without becoming motherly. She thought I wasn't "nurturing" enough.

It all worked out fine anyway. The love grows with time, and whatever "instincts" you come with rise to the surface when they're needed. At 6 months or so, Tim started choking on something and I whipped him out of the highchair, turned him upside down, and fished the food out of his throat with my fingers. Totally not what the baby books say to do, totally wrong in theory- but it worked. My instincts were right, and they came when I needed them. I had this weird little epiphany where I realized I actually could do this, I could be his mama. I was the right mother for THIS baby, my baby. Over the course of their childhoods, I learned that I had what it took to raise these particular kids- that my own "parenting" style might not be right for everyone, but it worked sublimely well for the kids God gave me. The instincts, too, come with time. You learn to read your kid, to know when they're lying or when they need to talk; you learn to handle their issues, to anticipate their needs. They're not going to turn out how you imagined, but then, neither are you. Whatever ideas you have about the kind of parent you'll be? You're probably wrong. But that's okay, and it will all work out fine.
 
2012-10-08 06:22:32 PM
If it's a boy, they will spend their entire lives trying to "get back in"

If it's a girl, bribe the doctor to make a switch at the hospital. If said doctor refuses, invest in a .45 and a shovel, you will know when the time comes (daddy I would like you to meet...BAM)
 
2012-10-08 06:24:13 PM
We just had our second child about 5 months ago. With this one I learned "It's never like the first one"

Advise - if you are so inclined and want to live life to it's fullest, I would suggest that you should look at doing a home birth if it is a lower risk pregnancy. Humans have been having babies for millions of years - It's so easy a caveman could do it and in fact they had to. Since my wife wasn't restricted to laying on a gurney or with her legs up on stirrups she could move around while in labor and ended up having the baby while on all fours. She commented that most of the pain became non-existent when she got into that position because the weight wasn't pushing everything against her spine. And he was over 10lbs. Having a baby in a clinical setting is akin to having a baby back in the days of Dr. Kellog.

//hardcore CSB time - I delivered the second baby myself in our bedroom (planned, with midwives assisting), wife had no meds, I was probably on meds(lulz) because outside I was Mr Wolf with this shiat under control - inside I was having a long extended horrific scream that Ren Hoeck would do.

// Epidurals cause the majority of c-sections. What affects the mom also affects the baby. Fear of the pain causes the pain. That and the football coming out.

FloydA: croesius: Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...

Don't give them rhyming names or names that start with the same letter.


So that means you can totally go with Tomax and Xamot
 
2012-10-08 06:27:32 PM

xenomorpheus:

Don't give them rhyming names or names that start with the same letter.

So that means you can totally go with Tomax and Xamot


If they are boys tell everyone there names are Otto and Otto, but the one kid just spells it backwards, I am sure you will get quite a few head tilts out of that
 
2012-10-08 06:27:50 PM
Whenever you see your wife sitting down, get her a glass of something to drink...usually water. Never forget.
 
2012-10-08 06:31:44 PM

xenomorpheus: We just had our second child about 5 months ago. With this one I learned "It's never like the first one"

Advise - if you are so inclined and want to live life to it's fullest, I would suggest that you should look at doing a home birth if it is a lower risk pregnancy. Humans have been having babies for millions of years - It's so easy a caveman could do it and in fact they had to. Since my wife wasn't restricted to laying on a gurney or with her legs up on stirrups she could move around while in labor and ended up having the baby while on all fours. She commented that most of the pain became non-existent when she got into that position because the weight wasn't pushing everything against her spine. And he was over 10lbs. Having a baby in a clinical setting is akin to having a baby back in the days of Dr. Kellog.

//hardcore CSB time - I delivered the second baby myself in our bedroom (planned, with midwives assisting), wife had no meds, I was probably on meds(lulz) because outside I was Mr Wolf with this shiat under control - inside I was having a long extended horrific scream that Ren Hoeck would do.

// Epidurals cause the majority of c-sections. What affects the mom also affects the baby. Fear of the pain causes the pain. That and the football coming out.

FloydA: croesius: Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...

Don't give them rhyming names or names that start with the same letter.

So that means you can totally go with Tomax and Xamot


Complete nonsense, unless you read "Midwifery Today"
 
2012-10-08 06:42:18 PM

Flashfyr3: Learn to swaddle like a champ. A tight swaddle works wonders at nap/bedtime. Practice now so you won't suck at it. (use a pillow to simulate a whiny baby)


Sorry, but I have to add to this. Don't use a pillow, find a de-clawed cat and practice swaddling it. With all limbs wrapped to where the cat cannot escape for 20 seconds or so. Then you will be at apprentice level of putting baby to sleep.
 
2012-10-08 06:44:52 PM
Enjoy it...have fun..rub her belly and sides with sesame oil as it grows, have all the fun you can for the next 7or 8 months.
 
2012-10-08 06:47:34 PM

Heathen: If it's a boy, they will spend their entire lives trying to "get back in"

If it's a girl, bribe the doctor to make a switch at the hospital. If said doctor refuses, invest in a .45 and a shovel, you will know when the time comes (daddy I would like you to meet...BAM)


God I hate it when people say this shiat. I realize dads have a thing about protecting their daughters because "I know what goes through boys' heads. I was one" but give your daughters (and their friends) some credit. Did you rape all your girlfriends from 13 - 25? No? Then maybe it's not the end of the world if your daughter goes out with a few boys.

More importantly, this attitude teaches your daughters that when they're in trouble, they shouldn't stand up for themselves. It's a fairly pervasive lesson that we get pounded into us over and over again (Sexual harassment at work? Go to HR/your boss. Trouble with boys? Daddy'll take care of it) and it does more harm than good. Do some role playing exercises or something so that your daughter knows what trouble looks like before it happens, and then teach her how to make it stop happening.

/And agree on some code phrase that, when said over the phone, translates to "This party went bad, please come pick me up, and don't ask questions."
 
2012-10-08 06:53:27 PM
Childbirth is easy. It's everything else that comes after that's a biatch.

Use cotton diapers. If the kid is always uncomfortable, they'll toilet train earlier (ours @ 21 months).

Give them boundaries they can exceed without ruining their lives.

Take out a life insurance policy that matures when they turn 18. That way you have some cash for college if the kid isn't in jail.
 
2012-10-08 07:01:58 PM
My "baby" is 15 years old. She is currently laying in her bed, in pain, has a stomach bug, been throwing up all day.. I moved my laptop in to be closer to her, at her request.

Be there for your kid when you can, while you can. Don't say NO just to get them off your back, consider why they are asking the question and if it is important to them before you answer.

Listen, rather than preaching. The time for preaching does come, after they've made a collosal mistake, but even then, listen.

Treat your child with the same respect you want them to treat you with.. it works!

While they are still little, get down on the floor and play with them.. when they are 15, they will still occasionally want to do it and it's really great to play with Legos or draw on poster board while talking to your kid about what she likes in life.
 
2012-10-08 07:04:35 PM
dang it.. I know how to spell colossal.. If no one sees my misspelling, I will almost be disappointed, this being Fark and all.

One more.. don't teach the kid to be a spelling or grammar nazi. It's kind of douchy.
 
2012-10-08 07:06:39 PM
It is okay to put your inconsolable crying baby down in their crib, walk out of the room, close the door, and go take a shower.

I felt so overwhelmed and so guilty that I couldn't figure out what my baby wanted. I felt that I wasn't a good mom if I couldn't soothe my baby. I was ready-to-shake-the-baby stressed out. When someone finally told me it was okay to let my healthy baby cry in a safe place and take fifteen minutes to myself to destress, it was a revelation... and quite possibly a lifesaving bit of advice.
 
2012-10-08 07:06:41 PM

croesius: Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...


And another.. don't go out and buy a ton of twin stuff until after the second trimester. Just trust me on this one, firsthand experience myself and secondhand experience with my son and his first.
 
2012-10-08 07:09:27 PM
Don't refer to your kids as "crotchfruit." It's disrespectful to them.
 
2012-10-08 07:10:06 PM

xenomorpheus:

FloydA: croesius: Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...

Don't give them rhyming names or names that start with the same letter.

So that means you can totally go with Tomax and Xamot



Sure you can do that, although for the rest of your life everyone will wonder why you're always talking about feminine hygiene products and antidepressants.
 
2012-10-08 07:10:18 PM

evilempryss: It is okay to put your inconsolable crying baby down in their crib, walk out of the room, close the door, and go take a shower.

I felt so overwhelmed and so guilty that I couldn't figure out what my baby wanted. I felt that I wasn't a good mom if I couldn't soothe my baby. I was ready-to-shake-the-baby stressed out. When someone finally told me it was okay to let my healthy baby cry in a safe place and take fifteen minutes to myself to destress, it was a revelation... and quite possibly a lifesaving bit of advice.


If you don't let the baby cry, it'll never stop crying. "No" is one of the first things a parent needs to learn, and it's one of the hardest lessons.
 
2012-10-08 07:18:15 PM
Just remember to keep your head. Babies are chaos factories and they will break shiat, pee on your favourite things, put stains on your clothes, throw food, grab stuff off counters. It's all just stuff. Let it go. Forget that you usually get eight hours of unbroken sleep, and when your baby wakes up a 4am and wants to play, play with them and don't be a dick about it. The attitude you approach inconveniences with is everything. It's hard sometimes when you come home after a long day and accidentally leave a new container of sour cream within baby's reach, and then everything ends up covered in the stuff, including your cat, but if you can find a way to smile and realize it's funny you will be awesome at raising kids.
 
2012-10-08 07:26:31 PM
BUY DIAPERS NOW!!!
/and keep buying them.
//potty train as soon as they can stand by themselves.
///little shiats go though a fark ton of diapers.
 
2012-10-08 07:32:09 PM

Damili: Just so you have a visual and are not surprised, my husband described her head coming out to a, "Wet Saint Bernard trying to come through a cat door".


You married Jeff Foxworthy?
 
2012-10-08 07:48:43 PM
Have SOMEONE who'll get your back for childcare, housecleaning, even the occasional meal out or dinner cooked in. It doesn't matter if it's friends, family, or neighbors. ANYONE to give you and your wife a little breathing room is worth more than you can ever pay for.

Oh. And if you think something's wrong, GO FIND OUT. Don't talk yourself into thinking the kid will grow out of it. Don't listen to people if they're not making you feel comfortable with your decision. See a professional. If you don't like that answer. See another one. If 2 or more professionals tell you you're smoking crack, you may relax (mostly...).

/Kid's on week 2 of Adderall and I feel like mother's love is about 5 times easier to come by
 
2012-10-08 07:50:34 PM
Use jerky for teething...seriously...it shuts them up like no ones business...
 
2012-10-08 07:55:43 PM
Your new roommate is going to drive you insane.

/totally worth it
 
2012-10-08 08:03:48 PM
www.jazzles.comwww.funnycoloring.com- is the father
 
2012-10-08 08:07:28 PM
disposable worked best fro my daughter,
cloth just gave her more diaper rash

and hold and cuddle, both wife and kid
 
2012-10-08 08:11:35 PM
Pick your battles.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Oh, yeah, the "terrible twos" isn't just the time when they're two years old, it lasts for 2 years.

/Congrats and best wishes to you and your growing family.
 
2012-10-08 08:14:25 PM

NuttierThanEver: Costco membership for you both to afford diapers


With our first, we over bought the small sizes. Sold a few unopened boxes on ebay. Ended up making a decent profit from them. That got me thinking, what if I bought a truck load of them straight from Kimberly-Clark? Turns out that we still couldn't beat Costco's everday price.
 
2012-10-08 08:17:01 PM
Make sure your crotchfruit spoon is clean?
 
2012-10-08 08:20:50 PM
Earpj: Hell. My youngest will be 11 tomorrow, and I still buy wipes. Very handy to have around.

This. Great to clean everything with, from car care, to things you don't want strong chemicals on. I have a pack in every bathroom for personal care as well, and my youngest is 6.
 
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