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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4788 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 03:56:46 PM
You are not in control of your new kid. he/she will decide whether to breast feed, or be a reader, or whatever. And if there is something wrong with him/her don't blame yourself. And keep your sense of humor. You're gonna need it.
 
2012-10-08 03:57:06 PM

Cheek: War_Kittens: Don't let your wife buy all the baby crap, you don't need 80% of it. If she likes shopping (haha "if"), she will break your bank account. Get the basics and don't get deluxe, elite anything, just basic stroller, breast pump, etc. because the baby will outgrow all of it quickly and it will be useless unless you are having more kids.

My wife would take exception to the comment about the pump. We bought a cheap pump ($100 isn't cheap to me, but that's a relative term I guess) at Target that almost caused her to give up on breastfeeding completely. We rented the nice Medela pump from the hospital which made a huge difference. I ended up dropping $300 (I told you $100 is cheap) on a Medela pump, but it allowed my wife to continue breastfeeding at home and pumping while she was at work. She breastfed our first for 12 months and our second is due at the end of December. Based on the ridiculous price for a can of formula, the Medela pump has more than paid for itself.


I also found that in addition to paying for the decent pump, sitting in the same room with her while she's pumping and alternatively mooing and giggling really helped her enjoy this blessed experience.
 
2012-10-08 03:58:03 PM

ModernPrimitive01: reading this thread has shown me that not having children is definitely the right decision. Half of these comments are horrific disgusting stories about cleaning up human poop. Why anyone would want to have kids is beyond me.


Remember what I said about getting stuff in the old people aisle. Someone's going to have to pay to wipe your ass soon enough.
 
2012-10-08 03:58:57 PM
The one thing I was not warned about and was utterly unprepared for is how much it absolutely sucks to be in the hospital. The actual birth was fine - the hospital stay was more traumatizing than the birth. Baby was born late on a Wednesday night, and we didn't get out until Saturday around 2:00 because he was jaundiced. My husband's job during those days was to stay at the door and play goalie. The door to my room was like a revolving door, and that was just the hospital staff (no family in the area). No one - doctors, nurses, lactation consultants, audiologists, photographers, no one - thought they needed to knock before entering, nor did they respect my "just a minute, please." If one more person told me I needed to eat something or get some sleep while simultaneously preventing me from doing so, I would have lost it.

Already been said, but worth repeating - don't share the name until after the baby is born.
 
2012-10-08 03:59:28 PM

ModernPrimitive01: reading this thread has shown me that not having children is definitely the right decision. Half of these comments are horrific disgusting stories about cleaning up human poop. Why anyone would want to have kids is beyond me.


yeah, don't have 'em.

but I felt that way before I had kids. before if you were to tell me that one day I would get poop on my hand, pee on my arm and puke on my cheek all at the same time, and that I would laugh about it....I would have never believed you.

but you get over it...and it is different when it is your kids poop. and pee. and puke.

poooooooooooooooooooop
 
2012-10-08 04:01:28 PM
Your not the first, its no big deal except for you. Don't over think this.
What I'm saying is there isn't anything exceptional to being a great parent.
All you'll need patience, forgiveness, caring, love and lots of them. You'll be, the spouse will be and the kid will be just fine.
 
2012-10-08 04:02:05 PM

ModernPrimitive01: reading this thread has shown me that not having children is definitely the right decision. Half of these comments are horrific disgusting stories about cleaning up human poop. Why anyone would want to have kids is beyond me.


Good luck having someone else clean up your poop one day.
 
2012-10-08 04:03:21 PM

ModernPrimitive01: reading this thread has shown me that not having children is definitely the right decision. Half of these comments are horrific disgusting stories about cleaning up human poop. Why anyone would want to have kids is beyond me.


Cause now that she is 20 it's free house/dogsitting labor while the wife and I go play in Vegas, Hawaii, Mexico, etc, etc.
 
2012-10-08 04:06:26 PM

ModernPrimitive01: reading this thread has shown me that not having children is definitely the right decision. Half of these comments are horrific disgusting stories about cleaning up human poop. Why anyone would want to have kids is beyond me.


It is okay to not want kids. A lot of people don't feel that way, but I think if you don't want one, do everything in your power to not have one.
 
2012-10-08 04:11:40 PM
If you don't want to see an action repeated 100 times, don't laugh when your kid does it. Trying to reach for something and failing? Funny. Pouring water on the floor? NOT FUNNY.
 
2012-10-08 04:12:24 PM
8/10ths of everything that goes into that lil bundle will come back out in the form of pop or vomit; adjust accordingly. Your wardrobe will consist of your worst clothing u own for months on end.

/lots of orajel and desinex
 
2012-10-08 04:16:38 PM

strapp3r: bath time rocks!
it broke my heart when those soapy, sloppy night-time parties came to an end

also, get one of these:

[hardscrabbletimes.files.wordpress.com image 576x440]


a dad?
 
2012-10-08 04:17:19 PM
A friend's almost-two-year-old was running down the hallway and suddenly collapsed, had a major seizure and stopped breathing.
Once the dust settled, their kid's doctor told them "Meh. It happens. Don't worry about it."
Never a problem since. 
Moral: Stuff happens. Don't blame yourself or worry yourself sick about it.
 
2012-10-08 04:19:34 PM
When he cuts his finger off cutting up a pair of jeans with a pocket knife when he's 15, and you're in the ER waiting to have it reattached, don't call him a farking idiot. He already knows.
 
2012-10-08 04:20:08 PM
To completely and rightfully totally ignore anyone who uses the words "breeders" and "crotchfruit" seriously in a sentence to try and convey their attitude of condescension and smugly patronizing superiority.

That shiat just pisses me right off.
 
2012-10-08 04:20:33 PM
Sleep now. Relax and enjoy the baby when it comes. You don't have to have a perfect clean sterile environment. You don't have to do everything according to books/friends' advice/how you were raised. Babies are tougher than we think. Again, just enjoy the baby. It is better to blow a thousand tummy raspberries than have the dishes done. Your child will agree with me.
 
2012-10-08 04:21:54 PM
If it's a boy, try to keep him out of prison, if it's a girl try to keep her off the pole.
 
2012-10-08 04:22:12 PM
2 things.

1. Don't take it all too seriously. (kids are hysterical, and gross.)

2. remember this saying. "this too shall pass" (great when you have infants or teenagers)

Being a good parent has a lot to do with your state of mind and having kids can be fantastic some days and exhausting on others. If i had known before my first that they go through stages so quickly I would have enjoyed the good and found it easier to get through the bad. Five kids in and i am mellowed and loving it. There are times when it feels like the bad will never end(baby 5 had comic and gerd and i was going through a divorce, but momma knew it would all stop sucking soon so no mental break) but they do. Time moves and shiat changes. I laugh more than not, and that makes all the difference.
 
2012-10-08 04:23:01 PM
Dad of 5 somewhat normal kids here. I know I'm late to the thread, but I hope my insight might be of value to someone.

1. Just because you were once a kid, don't assume you know how to raise children. Take a parenting class, and find a parenting style both you and your partner can agree on.

2. Always present a united front. Don't let the kids play divide and conquer with you and your spouse. If you disagree with how your spouse is handling something with regards to the kids, take it up with them in private.
 
2012-10-08 04:27:12 PM
There was a book called "Through Darkest Adolescence" -- If it were available, I would say to read it to prepare yourself and so that you'll know to cherish them before they get there. It was humor, but it was also terribly accurate.
 
2012-10-08 04:27:47 PM
Oh and another piece of advice:

Barney and Elmo are evil.

Backyardigans is actually watchable by adults.
 
2012-10-08 04:27:53 PM

lostcat: Congrats!

Here's my two cents from a dad of two years...

Ninety percent of the stuff marketed at you is unnecessary.

Things you really need:
- car seat
- stroller
- boppy pillow (if your wife plans to nurse)
- diapers (cleaning wipes options, my wife stopped using them)
- some baby bottles (even if your nursing, you'll want to have them)
- pjs and simple clothes

My wife nursed our daughter and we got by on those things for almost a year. Of course, we all slept on the floor (in Japan) so we didn't need to think about a crib, but a bed can work if you have a way to prevent rolling off.


Diaper genie type thing that takes normal kitchen trsh bags. You want something that clamps down hard and that holds a decent amount. Also, a diaper bag so you can go out sometime. Keep it loaded with wipes and diapers and a bottle of emergency formula.
 
2012-10-08 04:29:21 PM
Who said throw away the baby monitor before they turn two?

You'll need it again when they're a teen and hole up in their room with friends. Only this time you install it UNDER the bed.
 
2012-10-08 04:32:27 PM
I overheard one soccer mommy telling another soccer mommy while blocking the entire isle at Target "two syllable names" because they don't hear the single syllable ones.

So, I'd add "teach situational awareness to realize there's a hairy, armed, and angry man standing behind you that just wants to pop in and get some new underwear cuz his left-nut hernia is acting up faster than 60 seconds after he starts standing there.

Seriously, teach your kids to notice stuff. They'll live longer and better.
 
2012-10-08 04:37:30 PM

Doubletwist-: Oh and another piece of advice:

Barney and Elmo are evil.

Backyardigans is actually watchable by adults.


So is Big Comfy Couch
 
2012-10-08 04:37:40 PM
I'm not a parent, but I had them. My dad taught me to "do the right thing because it's the right thing to do" and it served us both well.

/hard as hell, but worth it
 
2012-10-08 04:37:40 PM
Enjoy what is about to happen to your wife's chest. Worry about everything else when she won't let you touch them anymore ...
 
2012-10-08 04:39:15 PM
Create their FARK ID now, so when they grow up they can impress all their friends with such a low number.
 
2012-10-08 04:41:15 PM

RockyMtnGirl: The one thing I was not warned about and was utterly unprepared for is how much it absolutely sucks to be in the hospital. The actual birth was fine - the hospital stay was more traumatizing than the birth. Baby was born late on a Wednesday night, and we didn't get out until Saturday around 2:00 because he was jaundiced. My husband's job during those days was to stay at the door and play goalie. The door to my room was like a revolving door, and that was just the hospital staff (no family in the area). No one - doctors, nurses, lactation consultants, audiologists, photographers, no one - thought they needed to knock before entering, nor did they respect my "just a minute, please." If one more person told me I needed to eat something or get some sleep while simultaneously preventing me from doing so, I would have lost it.


Good call.

Chasing intruders out of the room was one of the most helpful things I could do for my wife. The hospital chaplain and the matronly over-perfumed volunteers pushing to get all the social security paperwork filled out for our son were the worst.
 
2012-10-08 04:44:09 PM
Get the epidural
 
2012-10-08 04:46:52 PM
Married here, for five years. 30, as is my wife. We don't have kids. We aren't going to have kids. We have our love, our careers, our passions, our cats, our quiet time, and our free time.

The decision to live like this has devastated people who don't have the right to make our decisions for us. So as a non-father, let me offer just this piece of advice: If your kid chooses to go this route, sack up and deal with it. He/she doesn't owe you grandkids.
 
2012-10-08 04:48:03 PM
I wish I could vote for this now!!!

semiotix
2012-10-08 11:40:13 AM

I don't have kids. But I'll tell you what I told my dad: "Ha ha, your precious parenting plan didn't count on me turning out to be a spiteful, vindictive, ungrateful asshole, did it, genius?"
 
2012-10-08 04:48:08 PM

You have only 2-3 years to establish the rest of their life and the rest of their life with you. Sounds cold but establishing a repeating structured scedule of eating (every molecule), sleeping, playing, teaching/learning will produce a productive loving person that is an asset to society and your family.


Don't want to make the effort or take the time? You just ensured your child a hell on Earth until age 40 and a relationship of eternal warfare.


My 3 came out flawless now that they are grown and moved on. Never a day in detention, never an arrest, never anything embarrassing. Exception grades and tons of friends.

 
2012-10-08 04:49:20 PM
Don't know if this has been covered, but take a tube sock and fill it with rice. When it's warmed in the microwave and laid across a baby's tummy it's great for getting rid of gas. That, in turn, cuts down on the screaming which is great for your headache.
 
2012-10-08 04:49:33 PM

Richard Flaccid: 1) Keep a $100 bill in your pocket during the delivery.
2) Immediately after birth, slip it to the doctor.
3) Without your wife hearing you, say "extra stitch" to the doctor and wink.

/never had a kid
/not even sure if they stitch?


They do. And my answer is always "but it back the way you found it.". I think they only do this if they have to perform an episiotomy.
 
2012-10-08 04:53:25 PM
If the diaper says 10-20 pounds, that is pretty much all they will hold.
 
2012-10-08 04:53:57 PM

prollynot: jbuist: The Happiest Baby on the Block - Dr. Karp buy that book and read it or get the DVD.

Best advise ever on soothing a fussy baby for the first three months of their life.

I have a 6 month old daughter and this DVD was the most useful info I had. it's unbelievable how well it works to calm a baby.

I'd also recommend getting an exercise ball to sit on and bounce the baby vigorously when he's fussy. my daughter has to be moving to calm down from a fit.


I third this recommendation. Dealt with screaming babby for a month until we got this.
 
BHK
2012-10-08 04:54:11 PM
Don't get divorced before they are aged 8. If you do, they'll blame themselves for it. It's inevitable. If you do get divorced while they are very young, put them in some personal development programs as teens so they can get over your ruination of their lives.
 
2012-10-08 04:56:09 PM

LousyTourist: They're not made of glass.


This is true. Babies are not made of glass, they are actually made out of meat. Weird, huh? But there it is.
 
2012-10-08 04:58:34 PM

BHK: Don't get divorced before they are aged 8. If you do, they'll blame themselves for it. It's inevitable. If you do get divorced while they are very young, put them in some personal development programs as teens so they can get over your ruination of their lives.


Forwarding this to my selfish coont of an ex-wife. Thanks!
 
2012-10-08 04:59:59 PM
Well, wife and I are back from our first ultrasound....

Anyone have advice for twins?

...what the hell are we in for...
 
2012-10-08 05:01:58 PM

tkwasny: You have only 2-3 years to establish the rest of their life and the rest of their life with you. Sounds cold but establishing a repeating structured scedule of eating (every molecule), sleeping, playing, teaching/learning will produce a productive loving person that is an asset to society and your family.
Don't want to make the effort or take the time? You just ensured your child a hell on Earth until age 40 and a relationship of eternal warfare.
My 3 came out flawless now that they are grown and moved on. Never a day in detention, never an arrest, never anything embarrassing. Exception grades and tons of friends.


Interesting. While we weren't unstructured with our kids, dinner time, bed time and playing were not cast in stone. Teaching/learning presented itself at anytime, day or night, and it amazes me how lucky we are to have 4 pretty amazing kids, who never fail to make me proud.

I know people who schedule every minute of their kids' time without variance, and those kids are the most indulged, selfish, entitled kids I know. But that may be their parents structuring their own selfish entitled attitudes into them, so ya never know.
 
2012-10-08 05:02:51 PM
I wish I had gotten advice on how to tweak the odds to help increase my chances of having boys. I have two girls and I love them. However I have come to realize that when you have a boy, you have only one penis to worry about. With girls you have to worry about ALL of them.
 
2012-10-08 05:04:31 PM

bdub77: Get an abortion, because anyone who thinks of their little one as a 'crotchfruit' and calls other people who have children 'breeders' should not raise a child.


lh4.googleusercontent.com
 
2012-10-08 05:07:26 PM
Pay attention to what your kid is doing. Later pay attention to what they are doing, who they are hanging out with and how other people react to them. Basically pay attention to your kid. Always be on their side but don't take their word as gospel.

Set boundaries.
Don't under any circumstances make idle threats.
Don't overreact to anything.

Basically it is much like training a puppy except the kids get tired of playing fetch sooner.
 
A7
2012-10-08 05:08:32 PM
A Wet Nurse for her...
And a Wet Nurse for him.
 
2012-10-08 05:08:51 PM
upload.wikimedia.org
 
2012-10-08 05:13:56 PM
- Don't let your wife/gf read "What to Expect when you are Expecting" or similar books about pregnancy.

- Don't let anyone else tell you their pregnancy/birth horror stories. There are so many variables that make every pregnancy different. Your's might be easy or super complicated. But worrying about the possible complications will only make the pregnancy more stressful than necessary.

- Don't listen to the wack-jobs who say you need to suddenly live in a sterile bubble and not eat sushi or no drinking ever or only use natural soaps and not detergents, etc. The total prohibition of things is an US-ism. Ask yourself, "Do Japanese have babies?" and similar questions before you decide to prohibit something from your/her diet.

- You can read all the pregnancy books you want so long as it won't stress you out (too much). Then when she has some symptom she can ask you, "Is this normal or a problem?" and you can reply, "Normal, you are doing great." All of those books expose the worst case scenarios (horrors of 1st trimester and morning sickness, etc). This is one case where ignorance will save you. If she doesn't know that she's supposed to be barfing every 3rd hour at week 10, then she probably won't. 

- If you have medical care and there is a 24hour advice line, use it whenever you are unsure about what's going on or what to do.

- Simethicone (gas-x) is your friend.

- Start walking now. Best exercise you/she can do in preparation. Giving birth is a marathon event.

- If the plan is a vaginal birth (non-C-section) get an Epi-No.

- Find a Doula your wife is comfortable with. This person can be an invaluable resource.

- Doctors look at pregnancy as a medical condition that needs to be treated. They are in the business of looking for problems. Sometimes they forget that mammals have been having babies of millennia without their help and that this is a natural process. If you can think of this process as natural that only needs medical intervention in extreme conditions, then hopefully you can lower your stress levels.

- If you want to take a trip/vacation in the middle of pregnancy do it in the 2nd trimester. 1st and 3rd are usually difficult for her to travel. Same goes for the baby shower.

- Have as much sex as you can now. By the end of the 3rd trimester she'll probably be too big and uncomfortable to even want to think about sex.

- Relax and try to enjoy this time. Being excited and scared are normal and good things.
 
2012-10-08 05:18:17 PM
Start searching for a good family to adopt the child.

Immediately eliminate all prospects who use douchey words like "breeders" and "crotchfruit."
 
2012-10-08 05:18:45 PM
Great advice so far. Lots of people will ask you if you need help, both now and after your little one arrives. Have a list of non-invasive things that a person outside of your home can do in 30 minutes or less to help out. They will enjoy assisting, and you will appreciate the extra time. A few ideas;

1- Painting a room
2- Moving furniture
3- Swapping out a light fixture
4- Checking the fire alarms

Stuff like that. You get the idea.
 
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