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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4788 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 01:11:51 PM

grinding_journalist: Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

I've *always* wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. Ever since I figured out that technology could provide you with a career where you didn't have to go anywhere, it seemed to me to be the best plan. I get that we'll still have to utilize daycare, but everything all have said about "being there for your kids" and "spending time with them while they're little" well, that's my point. That's what I want to do.


Don't expect to do much when the kid is awake. I tried that to give the wife a break every now and then since she's stay at home, but I never get a chance to get work done until baby goes back to her.

snip...
Realistically, it'll be the hanging out with friends that will be the hardest for me to let go, but who knows how I'll feel when the kid is extant, or more importantly, how they'll feel? Guess it's time to sober up and be an adult.


You'll get over it. Really. And if they want to still hang out, they can, and everyone will play with the baby.

Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"? I've read about it many times, but nobody seems to be citing it here. Someone mentioned that everybody loves a pregnant woman and wants to touch their belly; even at this distance, I don't know if I'll be comfortable with that, and I fear I'll become actively hostile to others as the pregnancy progresses.

It's fine. Best response I've heard of for it is to start rubbing the other lady's boobs. That gets them to stop pretty quick when they realize it's not as much fun when they get it.
 
2012-10-08 01:12:22 PM
Never let the wife see you use the term "crotchfruit".
 
2012-10-08 01:13:11 PM
Since she can't get pregnant while already pregnant - hit it like a mad man because things will be....."different", "after birth" of said crotch fruit.
 
2012-10-08 01:13:42 PM
1) Keep a $100 bill in your pocket during the delivery.
2) Immediately after birth, slip it to the doctor.
3) Without your wife hearing you, say "extra stitch" to the doctor and wink.

/never had a kid
/not even sure if they stitch?
 
2012-10-08 01:14:21 PM
Who the father was.
 
2012-10-08 01:15:14 PM
No matter what everyone says, you have to do what's best for you. Try not to judge your parenting skills based on what others are doing.

That being said...
-- If your wife wants to breastfeed, encourage it. It's healthy and free! It was quite the wake-up call when we switched to formula after eight months and realized that stuff costs $150 a month.
-- Vaccinate your kid if possible. Educate yourself all you want, but make sure you get your facts from reputable sources and not former Playboy playmates. Also, think about the consequences of what will happen to your kid and other kids around them if you don't vaccinate.
-- When you're in public, remember that no one thinks your kid is as adorable as you think they are. So many complaints about parents with their "crotchfruit" in public could easily disappear if more parents realized this.

And as others have mentioned, the days are long but the years are short.
 
2012-10-08 01:15:34 PM
1. If your wife can breast feed, encourage and help her any way you can. Breast feeding is:
Cheaper
Doesn't require preparation
Baby's don't drink more than they need, so they don't vomit much (my kids only threw up once or twice)
The poop doesn't smell as bad
Baby gets lots of good stuff from the mother
You can't do the 2am feedings :)
2. Baby signing, it's basically sign language for babies, get a book on it
You can start as early as 6 months
They might start signing back as early as 9 months
You know what they hell they want when they're not old enough to talk
We did it with my oldest and he could tell us he wanted to nurse, eat, drink, listen to music by the time he was 12 months, and he was speaking full sentences by two years.
3. Sleep. Your wife should be sleeping when your child is sleeping, other wise she won't sleep, she'll go insane, and she'll make you very unhappy.
4. If anyone comes to visit for more than an hour, they have to help. The new parents have enough on their hands without catering to others, if they're not helping, kick them out.
 
2012-10-08 01:16:15 PM
Ask her who the daddy is.
 
2012-10-08 01:16:24 PM

grinding_journalist: Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

As far as sleep goes, I am a night person, while my wife is a morning/day person. I'm usually up till about 2-3am anyway, and she's usually up by about 530-6 after going to be around 10. Am I crazy in thinking this will also be very helpful?

My parents were very much of the "early education pays dividends later" childhood phases. I was Montessori schooled until about age 4 or 5, and was compelled to always be reading something; trips to the library to stock up on books for a week or two were fantastically common. I plan on this being the case in my household as well.

Speaking of my parents, they live in town, about 15 minutes away. I feel like my mom hasn't been enthused about the prospect of me having a child, but that's probably because it's "me", and not because she isn't excited about the next generation. I've already received flak from bro and sis about "not just dumping my kid on mom" (theoretical kid, this was months ago and they don't know yet, nobody does- except this thread) which was never my plan, but I am glad that I have familial support locally. Alongside this, my wife's BFF has a 6 month old, and she's been her ...


I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can from my perspective as a new dad - but YMMV.

For the sleep schedule - it really does not matter what your sleep schedule is, but what your child's is. For the first three months, ours had days/nights confused and it was a bear. Ours did not sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time without waking up for a feeding, so if you are cool with 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, you may be fine. I can say that it sucked.

As for the wolf thing - no idea what you are referring to there. Never bothered me at all, but did bother my wife that strangers will come up to her and try to pat her belly. Just weird.

Other advice - for the first few months, you will probably not go out all that often. All you need are onesies for a while. Don't get a lot of clothes in the same size - they grow out of them very, very quickly. We have newborn stuff that was never touched. If you have a shower, everyone will get you newborn clothes, so go out and buy yourself some 3 and 6 month clothes now.

Oh yeah - it's really, really hard work. No matter how much you prepare or think you are prepared, you just aren't. It will be harder than you can imagine at first. But it does get easier. And nothing beats it.
 
2012-10-08 01:16:37 PM

Publikwerks: Temporarily Qualmless: Raise a puppy together, before you get started on raising a kid together.

If she's pregnant, it's a bit too late for that.


They've got nine months. You can raise a puppy in nine months.
 
2012-10-08 01:17:01 PM

grinding_journalist: Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"? I've read about it many times, but nobody seems to be citing it here. Someone mentioned that everybody loves a pregnant woman and wants to touch their belly; even at this distance, I don't know if I'll be comfortable with that, and I fear I'll become actively hostile to others as the pregnancy progresses.


I would ask your wife about that. What bothers her? She may not know yet. She may find that well meaning people wanting to touch her belly make her uncomfortable, but that having her husband rebuff them in public makes her even more uncomfortable. However, your feelings are normal and understandable.
 
2012-10-08 01:17:59 PM

one0nine: Stated elsewhere, but I can't stress it enough... GET A CRIB MONITOR. We used one of the ones with the motion and audio sensor, and it gave us a fright once or twice when our daughter moved away from the center of the mattress, but ultimately it was more than worth the investment.


How many genuine alarms did it give you - in other words, how many times did it save her life?
 
2012-10-08 01:18:30 PM
Remember: If your child isn't popping, don't feed them laxatives. Make them eat prunes. You will be surprised how effective they work.
 
2012-10-08 01:18:48 PM
It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.
 
2012-10-08 01:19:05 PM
Buy a dog that enjoys baby puke. Our son had stomach issues and around 1/4 of every feeding ended up on the floor. The dog was a lifesaver!
 
2012-10-08 01:19:14 PM
way to slip one past the goalie, subs.
 
2012-10-08 01:19:46 PM
Everything they tell you at the hospital is wrong.
 
2012-10-08 01:20:04 PM
Your marriage, your relationships, and your life has forever changed. There is nothing you can do about this.

As long as you anticipate and accept this, an overwhelming majority of that of that change is good
 
2012-10-08 01:20:20 PM

th0th: The baby monitor becomes a Pavlovian device.


I could never see the point of baby monitors? Why arrange things so that an upset baby has to be wake enough to cry to get your attention? If you have her in the room with you or with the bed with you, you can respond to the first snuffle and sooth things down long before you get to full-on bawling stage.
 
2012-10-08 01:21:10 PM
My first was at 20, second at 40. Just when you think it's all over, you get to do it all over. Both are girls, and oldest has three girls of her own.
 
2012-10-08 01:21:31 PM
My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?


/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.
 
2012-10-08 01:21:59 PM
Given the rising cost of raising a child, you may want to think twice about the whole concept of "retirement"

/congrats though
//best wishes for a healthy pregnancy for your wife
 
2012-10-08 01:22:16 PM
1. Do not bubblewrap your spawn. No childhood is complete without a bloody nose or two, cuts, bruises and even a scar or broken bone.

2. Do not give them a sense of entitlement. Nobody owes them anything, life is unfair and the kid down the street will probably have more than him. Let the spawn learn to deal with it.

3.Occasionally say no even if you do not have to.

4..Because you said so is a perfectly acceptable reason that requires no further explanation.

5. Make sure the spawn behave in public

6. Spanking is OK. The spawn's frontal lobe won't even be fully developed for a couple of decades. They will be driven largely by hormones and instinct instead of common sense so they won't always respond to reason.
 
2012-10-08 01:22:49 PM

Mayhem of the Black Underclass:
On toddlers, they have no concept of time, none, seriously. Just add 30 minutes to your schedule now. They don't want to put their shoes on in the manner you proscribe or in the time frame that you've allotted.


This can also be used to your advantage when they beg to stay up 10 more minutes.
 
2012-10-08 01:22:57 PM
Buy a really expensive, high-quality mattress cover for your bed.
 
2012-10-08 01:24:04 PM
Oh, and since this is Fark:

i216.photobucket.com

/requisite snark
 
2012-10-08 01:24:59 PM
As the father of 4 children ranging from 15 to 7 years old, there is one piece of advice that I wish I had never gotten, as it cause me more frustration and pain than anything else that happened while raising my kids.

DON'T TAKE ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

It's a waste of time. You will be better off figuring things out for yourselves.
 
2012-10-08 01:25:16 PM

tonguedepressor: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely, therapeutically there's no danger involved.



Proper punctuation is important
 
gja [TotalFark]
2012-10-08 01:25:26 PM

Random Discord: Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.

I like that idea. tricycleracer: Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.

Sage advice.

Indeed.


What are you? Mormonencrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com?
 
2012-10-08 01:25:32 PM
You should have conceived this baby with someone else...
 
2012-10-08 01:25:46 PM
Go out for a night on the town. It will be the last, for the next 18yrs.
 
2012-10-08 01:25:59 PM
do your best to live vicariously through them. You never made the cheerleading squad? Your daughter will or her life has no worth
 
2012-10-08 01:26:29 PM

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


Try a different Doctor-seriously
 
2012-10-08 01:26:29 PM

Falin: As the father of 4 children ranging from 15 to 7 years old, there is one piece of advice that I wish I had never gotten, as it cause me more frustration and pain than anything else that happened while raising my kids.

DON'T TAKE ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

It's a waste of time. You will be better off figuring things out for yourselves.


Bah, this doesn't make sense. You know what I mean.
 
2012-10-08 01:26:43 PM

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


Go see a different doc. Sounds like croup.

Cold air seems to help. So does steam from the shower. Make milkshakes of pediasure and a frozen banana, maybe a squirt of chocolate sauce to make it extra yummy. And push the fluids.
 
2012-10-08 01:27:10 PM

Surool: 4) baby stuff is expensive, start saving now. Like everything else, the cheap products fall apart, and the most expensive ones are for suckers.


(a) You need very little

(b) Buy the good stuff on eBay, used, for half the price of the cheap stuff, new.
 
2012-10-08 01:27:54 PM
Ok, I was literally the most unprepared person to have a kid and my wife and I just had our first 6 weeks ago. So if there is anyone to prepare your for the next 10 months it's me.

-Your wife might get very tired and want to go to bed really early for the first 3 months (and likely beyond that). You will likely end up with a lot of alone time at night during the pregnancy. Use this time to do the hobbies you love. You wont get to do them once the little one gets here. In the first six weeks I have gotten 3 hours total to myself.

-Your wife will get crazy during pregnancy and say the most bat shiat crazy things you can possibly imagine. This however, is nothing compared to the hormone changes that occur after the kid is born. She gets even crazier.

-You learn more about being a good parent from the nurses that help deliver your kid than any stupid class your wife will sign you up for.

-As if the first two wont put enough strain on your relationship the only chance you will have to sleep well is if you split up the night time duties and sleep in separate rooms.

-Don't go bragging about how your kid sleeps 6 hours a night right off the bat. It will change. He is exhausted from being ejected from the womb. Give it a couple weeks then he'll be eating every 3 hours at least if you are formula feeding. If you are breast feeding then your wife is farked. Assuming you formula feed it will take you a full hour to change him/feed him/put him/her back to sleep. So if you're lucky you get to sleep those two hours.

-Just because they are sleeping doesn't mean they are quiet. They make a lot of noises when they sleep. You will be sleeping very light just waiting for them to wake up into a complete meltdown.

-Don't sweat how the baby eats the first couple of weeks. They may eat very little in their feedings the first few weeks and then pass out. My wife and I freaked out thinking he wasn't getting enough nutrition because the doctors told us he needs to get 2 ounces in every time he eats. They might and they might not. But they will eventually and then you'll find out sooner than later they need 3 then 4 ounces to feel satisfied.

-Haters gonna hate and babies gonna cry. There is just nothing you can do about that sometimes. It's the only way they can communicate. What gets them to calm down is going to change every day. You can try the following: Change their diaper, swing them in your arms, swaddle (wrap them in a blanket) them up, let them lay on your cheat, let them lay next to you, walk around with him, talk to them, sing to them, sssshhhh them, take them in the bathroom and turn the fart fan on, give them something to suck on, give them more clothes, give them less clothes, rock them, shoot yourself because nothing works and they just have to cry it out.

-Everyday the "experts" are figuring shiat out on how to make us better parents and keep our kids safer. shiat that we've been doing for 100 hundreds years like powdering a babies ass is no longer safe because of the dust that can get in their lungs. But really when it comes to your kid there are no rules. Eventually you'll figure out what your kid needs and wants and everything else out there that has been written wont apply.
 
2012-10-08 01:28:08 PM

hasty ambush: 1. Do not bubblewrap your spawn. No childhood is complete without a bloody nose or two, cuts, bruises and even a scar or broken bone.

2. Do not give them a sense of entitlement. Nobody owes them anything, life is unfair and the kid down the street will probably have more than him. Let the spawn learn to deal with it.

3.Occasionally say no even if you do not have to.

4..Because you said so is a perfectly acceptable reason that requires no further explanation.

5. Make sure the spawn behave in public

6. Spanking is OK. The spawn's frontal lobe won't even be fully developed for a couple of decades. They will be driven largely by hormones and instinct instead of common sense so they won't always respond to reason.


that's no way to teach your child logic and reason. An argument from authority isn't a good reason for your child's beliefs
 
2012-10-08 01:29:38 PM
If you have been putting something off that you really wish to get done, put it off no longer.

My 18 month old is currently hitting the dog with a plastic hammer. Where TF did she get a plastic hammer?
 
2012-10-08 01:29:47 PM
don't be too harsh with them when they inevitably fark up.

Once mobile, they will always be mobile, and nothing will ever stop them.

And, last, now that my daughter is >18years, I've found that being a parent hasn't stopped, and I don't expect it to. So, with that being said, it really is a lifelong commitment and they will always come to you to cry on your shoulder, ask for a hug, and then hit you up for your wallet.
 
2012-10-08 01:29:48 PM

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


Ultrasonic humidifier (the heated ones put out less water and crust up with minerals and mold more quickly). You can use sheets or shower curtains to make a tent over her bed with the humidifier inside. Helped my oldest when he was about that age, but his symptoms only lasted 2 or 3 days.
 
2012-10-08 01:29:48 PM

Crewmannumber6: tonguedepressor: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely, therapeutically there's no danger involved.


Proper punctuation is important


meh, copy pasta
 
2012-10-08 01:29:59 PM

Richard Flaccid: 1) Keep a $100 bill in your pocket during the delivery.
2) Immediately after birth, slip it to the doctor.
3) Without your wife hearing you, say "extra stitch" to the doctor and wink.

/never had a kid
/not even sure if they stitch?


thumbs.anyclip.com

/obscure?
 
2012-10-08 01:30:18 PM

RobDownSouth: Sooner or later your child will walk
Sooner or later your child will come into your bedroom and wake you out of a sound sleep to tell you they "don't feel good".
IMMEDIATELY cover your head to avoid the intense spew of vomit that will follow within the next 5 seconds.
Trust me on this.

/bitter experience
//lactose intolerant kiddos
///barf-o-rama
////slashies!


I actually remember doing this exact thing when I was about eight.
 
2012-10-08 01:31:20 PM
I haven't read the whole thread but if this hasn't been covered, when changing a boy make sure you have the clean diaper ready to cover him up before he squirts all over you.
 
2012-10-08 01:31:21 PM
No kid dies from crying.
Better to let the kid cry and learn a lesson, than repeat it all over again.

The kid will eat when it's hungry.
Don't commit greater sins to get the kid to eat healthy food (ranch dressing, cheese sauce)

The last half-hour, before bedtime is theirs - no phone, tv, computer - life will wait for a half-hour.

Yes, they get up too early, but the best bonding is playing with them on the bed.

Don't miss a chance to tell them that you love them.
When it warrants it, tell them that you're proud of them.
 
2012-10-08 01:31:43 PM
'The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight' by Kim West. If you start from the beginning, you'll only have to read the chapter on newborns, and your kid will learn to sleep like a champ. My 18 month old sleeps 12 hours every night since she's 6 months old with rare exceptions. Don't put the baby in bed with you, it's so dangerous, and it creates bad habits. Life threatening situations aside, don't let yourself become a helicopter parent-let your kid explore and learn on their own, bumps and bruises happen, it's not the end of the world. Keep your marriage a priority, it's very easy to forget how important it is. Your wife won't be interested much in sex for a while, but keep reminding her that you still think she's attractive and that you're interested still.
Congrats and good luck...it's so much fun watching your little person learn everything...enjoy it!
 
2012-10-08 01:32:00 PM
This thing is badass. I mean, c'mon, it's a full-body vibrating chair. I wish I had one for me.

This was cool for about two days. Then it becomes a pain in the ass to reset a timer after doing things instead of telling each other you did something.

Someone said this earlier, but make your own baby food. It's simple to do: make some food, take out two servings (for you and your spouse), blend the rest to a good baby food consistency, freeze it. We could get anywhere from 10-18 servings from leftover dinners depending on what it was.

Get a diaper bag that is easy to carry while also carrying a 8+ pound infant in a 6+ pound carrier.

Take every free sample you can get your hands on, especially from the hospital. We left the hospital with about 4 packs of newborn diapers and 30 bottles of ready to feed formula (and 3 swaddle blankets).

Register for Huggies and Pampers reward points. If you're going to use their products, you might as well get some free stuff in the process.
 
2012-10-08 01:32:50 PM

grinding_journalist: Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

As far as sleep goes, I am a night person, while my wife is a morning/day person. I'm usually up till about 2-3am anyway, and she's usually up by about 530-6 after going to be around 10. Am I crazy in thinking this will also be very helpful?

This works in theory - your mileage may vary.

I've already received flak from bro and sis about "not just dumping my kid on mom" (theoretical kid, this was months ago and they don't know yet, nobody does- except this thread) which was never my plan, but I am glad that I have familial support locally. Alongside this, my wife's BFF has a 6 month old, and she's been her ... Tell your siblings to go pound sand because after the babby arrives, you might need a restraining order to keep the grandmas away.

Just saying. 

And congrats!
 
2012-10-08 01:32:51 PM
As a fellow father-to-be, this thread is a definite bookmark. Keep the tips coming!

/may 13th!
 
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