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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4783 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 12:23:05 PM

Lettuce Pray: - Body slamming (laying on the floor is particularly hazardous, you will find)


HA! My daughter was responsible for 3 broken ribs.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:19 PM

Sneakytoes: The people at the hospital can be assholes. Don't let you push them around. Example - I was having huge problems getting my baby to latch on, she finally started to, and a nurse swooped in and took her away because it was time for the pediatrician to look at all of the babies. I was alone and too whacked out to fight back. Asshole.


That's really good advice. During the birth and first few hours after, Daddy is the best advocate Mommy and baby have. If you're lucky, you'll have a good team at the hospital that will support both of you. If not, DO NOT be afraid to be a complete asshole in order to get them what they need. Just keep it in perspective- 10 minutes for ice chips, chill out. Takes over an hour to "weigh the baby", start throwing things.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:22 PM
As a father of three I'll tell you if you pay heed to any advice, it is this:
Ignore all advice from everyone and everything (including this thread), except maybe your own parents and your kid's doctor. Other parents are usually overbearing, opinionated creatures that like to prescription ways that others should manage their lives. The fact of the matter is that kids tend to be individual and unique and no one approach will work with all of them.

Otherwise, kids are a blessing -- relax and enjoy the ride.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:39 PM

orbister: Bottles? Bottle warmers? All that bother and equipment, when the best food is available on tap and for free?


That requires a conscious wife that doesn't have a job. I did about a third of my children's feedings.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:46 PM
I have a lot of kids and you've solicited advice:

As infants, you can't go wrong picking them up. Babies need skin to skin contact. Don't put them down until they squirm out of your arms on their own. I heartily endorse co-sleeping and nursing on demand. As a father you won't be asked to get up in the middle of the night to make a bottle. The mother won't need to get out of bed to nurse the baby, and may be able to half-doze while nursing. The baby won't have to cry for half an hour before someone realizes it's their brand new baby crying.
There will be nights where everybody is awake because the baby is crying FOR NO REASON.

On crawlers, get down there with them, they're going to find the things the vacuum missed.

On toddlers, they have no concept of time, none, seriously. Just add 30 minutes to your schedule now. They don't want to put their shoes on in the manner you proscribe or in the time frame that you've allotted.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:50 PM
1) Don't find out your spouse is pregnant on a tragic day like I did. I now remember my wife finding out she's pregnant and the terrorist attacks in Shenksville, Arlington, and New York together.

2) Remember that for the next several months you've got a built in DD. Party Hearty. you won't get too many chances after said crotchfruit is born.

3) Start looking at sales on baby items such as diapers. Stock up when you hit a good sale. You'll use them and it's mighty convenient to have already have a lot on hand when the baby has been born and you get nailed with a ton of expenses.
 
2012-10-08 12:24:11 PM
you are the mover and shaker in another being's life. If Mother is the word for God on every child's lips, then Father is Yaweh: you are. You are the rock they lean on, the support which will never crumble. Be embodied encouragement, be that father screaming on the sidelines for the last goal, be the one taking his daughter to tae kwon do classes, be the one who remembers what the science fair is about, and don't do her project for her, just let her figure it out. If she chooses wrestling, be that parent championing her right to do the sport. If she goes with anything, hers is the right to do that(except that bridge thing, jumping off the bridge is never a good idea). You are the mover and shaker of her life, the advocate of first and last resort. You are Daddy.

/I'll agree about the miscarriage thing
//oh, and no names until after 16 weeks. You'll just be overly attached if the life prematurely ends
///*snif* I want Elora back
 
2012-10-08 12:24:22 PM

SacriliciousBeerSwiller: Also, you're gonna hear a LOT of impassioned garbage from all over the place regarding skin-to-skin, breast feeding, and all kinds of crazy anecdotal pseudo-scientific horsesh*t from people who will consider you Hitler's scrotum if you don't do everything exactly as they do.

Feed you kid, change diapers, make sure they get enough sleep, don't let them eat paint chips. Beyond that, have at it. Make your own choices.


Great idea. But buy ALL SIZES. Don't bother with newborn size. You will get a bunch at the shower, and unless it's a teeny preemie, it'll outgrow them in about an hour.

Same with newborn size clothes.
 
2012-10-08 12:24:52 PM

Skyd1v: Whatever you are driving now...it isn't big enough. A 1 year old kid has an AMAZING amount of paraphernalia that has to come with every time you go somewhere. My advice: Suburban. With the diesel drivetrain.


Or just realize you aren't cool anymore and get the minivan.

/rockin' the Odyssey, biatches!
 
2012-10-08 12:25:29 PM

namegoeshere: SacriliciousBeerSwiller: Also, you're gonna hear a LOT of impassioned garbage from all over the place regarding skin-to-skin, breast feeding, and all kinds of crazy anecdotal pseudo-scientific horsesh*t from people who will consider you Hitler's scrotum if you don't do everything exactly as they do.

Feed you kid, change diapers, make sure they get enough sleep, don't let them eat paint chips. Beyond that, have at it. Make your own choices.

Great idea. But buy ALL SIZES. Don't bother with newborn size. You will get a bunch at the shower, and unless it's a teeny preemie, it'll outgrow them in about an hour.

Same with newborn size clothes.


Wow, I quoted wrong. That was supposed to be about stocking up on diapers before the birth.
 
2012-10-08 12:25:48 PM

Pardon Me Sultan: All unless your parents live nearby. Then you're gold.


Both my kids live within 10 minutes of us. Son has two-year-old daughter (PIPs of all 3, actually) and daughter has two daughters herself. My wife and I babysit on an average of 2-3 times a week.

The daughter and son-in-law took waaaay more advantage of us as babysitters for the first girl's first three years, and the second girl's first year. Usually about every other Sunday we watch the kids from about 10 to 5, while daughter and son-in-law go off for "adult time." Sometimes it's a date, sometimes it's back to the house to try and make grandchild #3, whatever.

If you have competent grandparenting-based babysitting available, it IS like gold.
 
2012-10-08 12:25:57 PM

calm like a bomb: Skyd1v: Whatever you are driving now...it isn't big enough. A 1 year old kid has an AMAZING amount of paraphernalia that has to come with every time you go somewhere. My advice: Suburban. With the diesel drivetrain.

Or just realize you aren't cool anymore and get the minivan.

/rockin' the Odyssey, biatches!


Much better gas mileage as well.
 
d3
2012-10-08 12:26:00 PM
1) DO NOT! I REPEAT, DO NOT allow yourself to laugh out loud the first time your wife picks up the naked crying baby off the changing table and said baby promptly urinates and poops all over her!

2) Ignore the cries and always put the fresh diaper on before picking up the baby.
 
2012-10-08 12:26:17 PM

calm like a bomb: That's really good advice. During the birth and first few hours after, Daddy is the best advocate Mommy and baby have. If you're lucky, you'll have a good team at the hospital that will support both of you. If not, DO NOT be afraid to be a complete asshole in order to get them what they need. Just keep it in perspective- 10 minutes for ice chips, chill out. Takes over an hour to "weigh the baby", start throwing things.


Also, wait until the baby is born to start calling relatives, our friends told us of their mistake, nothing is worse than an over eager grandparent in the waiting room.
 
2012-10-08 12:26:22 PM
Oh and you will change and your life will change. It won't make sense now, but I guess our bodies release hormones and change our brain chemistry so you can adapt.

It might sound crazy, but soon when people without kids post things or say stuff like they take vacations, and have free time to do whatever they want and have a nice car and nice stuff, you will just shrug and possibly laugh because really, who gives a sh*t? That stuff won't really matter that much anymore. That surprised me the most.

I never saw that coming...but my brain chemistry has been altered and I am okay with this.
 
2012-10-08 12:26:53 PM
I have no first hand advice to offer, but as far as second hand advice is concerned....

Do not replace your and your spouses identity with the baby. Obviously the child will take up tons of time effort and love etc over the next 'forever' number of years, but actually maintain your individual identities so when you ship the kid off to college you can still live happily with your spouse.
 
2012-10-08 12:27:27 PM

Skyd1v: Whatever you are driving now...it isn't big enough. A 1 year old kid has an AMAZING amount of paraphernalia that has to come with every time you go somewhere. My advice: Suburban. With the diesel drivetrain.

If your kid turns out to be colicky, that diesel will be a lifesaver.

/spent 6 months sleeping in an idling Suburban with my daughter in her car seat


Buy a noise machine if a kid needs the rumble to sleep. My kids both slept to the sound of a waterfall for the first four years of their lives (it also keeps other noises in the house from waking them up).

And you don't need a huge vehicle. I have two kids and our biggest car is a Mazda 5 (dual sliding doors) which is the smallest minivan you can buy. It also has a manual transmission and gets 28-30mpg.  We needed more room twice for vacation - so we just attached the roofrack and cartop carrier. Problem solved.
 
2012-10-08 12:27:49 PM

bdub77: This is just reminding me of my wife's impending c-section in two days for kid #2. Ugh. I can't believe this thread showed up today of all days.



Congratulations!

All will be well.
 
2012-10-08 12:27:50 PM
Wireless webcam is a great(and cheap) baby monitor. I picked on up for $50 on ebay, and thats with pan/tilt/zoom and night vision.

Put the clean diaper underneath you kid, then undo the bad diaper. Worse case scenario, you can use the new diaper to catch any new stuff coming out.

Diaper genies are good, but they work pretty good with a normal trash bag in them. The refills are a racket.
 
2012-10-08 12:28:05 PM

Mentalpatient87: The diapers thing is great idea. Buy diapers now, and keep buying them every time you go grocery shopping. If the grandparents are willing, have them do it, too. My sisters both did this with 4 kids between them, and to my knowledge they were never want for diapers.


Or buy twenty reusable ones and reuse them.

Protip: fleece liners.
 
2012-10-08 12:28:59 PM
A couple of things some people might not tell you that will be more important in a few years:

1. Discipline your kid starting at about 18 months or so. Figure out how to do it nicely, but that doesn't mean every time you'll be nice about it.
2. Don't take your anger or frustration at your kid(s) out on your spouse. Make sure your spouse reciprocates this rule.
3. Make your kid do their own stuff. Nurture independence. Don't coddle them. Let them get frustrated and figure it out themselves. Don't go overboard. This doesn't mean you should make your 6 month old go to the fridge for its bottle.
4. Be specific in your praise.
5. Let your kids fail at stuff.
6. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about most stuff. This applies to just about everything I said above. Don't let your spouse undermine your work, and vice versa. This is a general guideline - be ever vigilant.
7. Don't try to pour what you imagine the failures of your life were into your kid's. This applies particularly to sports.
8. Along with #7, find out what they seem to like and give them opportunities to explore those things. When they fail at them, it's OK to push them sometimes, sometimes they won't appreciate the push until much later.
9. Learn to turn off the TV.
10. Take any advice you get on the internet with a grain of salt.
 
2012-10-08 12:29:08 PM
Lose the terms "breeders" and "crotchfruit". If you ever hear them mentioned in your wife's presence don't laugh but act bewildered by them.

Also don't be an absentee dad, There are way too many of those in this country and it's very sad.

And CONGRATULATIONS! I have 3 girls 5 and under
 
2012-10-08 12:29:10 PM

mekki: Enjoy the moments of having the little one asleep in your arms or against your chest, with his/her face snuggled against your neck. You will never ever have someone trust you that completely in your life ever again. (Unless you have another child.) It is one of the best feelings in the world. Relish it. You will miss it once the baby grows into a kid a no long does it.


Amen. Though it's also awesome when your toddler just spontaneously climbs into your lap to cuddle with you. Or even just looks up from her toys to say, out of the blue, "Daddy, I love you."
 
2012-10-08 12:29:11 PM

SamFlagg: Do not replace your and your spouses identity with the baby, or the next time she calls you "Daddy" during sexytimes will necessitate therapy.. Obviously the child will take up tons of time effort and love etc over the next 'forever' number of years, but actually maintain your individual identities so when you ship the kid off to college you can still live happily with your spouse.


FTFY
 
2012-10-08 12:29:26 PM
1. Get some sleep.

2. Relax. Babies are exhausting, but not hard to deal with. You'll figure out what works for you.

3. Vaccinate your kid. Don't let the crunchy weirdos distract you with their woo.

4. That said, consider cloth diapering. It's cheaper, babies tend to toilet train earlier, and there's no funky chemicals in them.
 
2012-10-08 12:29:51 PM
Have one more child every 2 to 4 years. This way the kids will take care of themselves and get along with each other. Greater than 4 years difference means trouble and fighting. You also don't want any more than 2 in college at the same time or you will be broker than usual.

You are the leader of your own personal army now. You will have to act like one. Make short and long term plans. Execute.

Kids are dumb. Trust them to not act in their own best interest, and don't be mad when they don't. They are kids.

Daddy tax everything. It means Dad gets first dibs, NO QUESTIONS. If they don't like, they can get the fark out.

Lastly, if you are a good dad, the kids will still love you even if you are not with mommy anymore, and the older ones will understand. Live your life to be happy and respectful. Remember this, and they will too.
 
2012-10-08 12:31:38 PM
Don't open anything (diapers)/cut the tags off of anything (clothing) until you know the sizing is right. Once the baby is born (and before you can bring it home), launder the clothing ("a few sets of appropriately sized garments") in a scent- and dye-free detergent.

Don't wake your baby to change a wet diaper (especially in the middle of the night.)

The Swaddleme is a great invention (especially because you can't have loose blankets.)

Keep extra diapers, wipes, and a change of clothing (an outfit for your kid, an extra shirt for you) in a Ziploc bag in the trunk.

You will stop caring about your kid putting stuff in their mouths from your germy floor after a few months. Until then, get a "pacifier clip" that keeps the pacifier attached to their bib when it does pop out. (Ours has a plastic clip for the bib, and a snap strap for the pacifier loop.)

Get the Medela Quick Clean microwave steam sterilizing bags for your bottles and other equipment.

Swap clothing with other families that have outgrown theirs. Keep seasonality in mind. (e.g. a baby born in September will have a totally different set of clothes from a baby born in March.)

Get a SSN and then open a custodial bank account for money people give your child.

Good luck.

/Number one is three and a half.
//Number two is 11 months.
 
2012-10-08 12:32:16 PM
speed dial the abortion clinic. You've still got time
 
2012-10-08 12:32:20 PM
Oh dear god, you've made your first mistake by turning to FARK for advice on actual reproduction.

And for your next mistake, don't ever refer to your child as crotchfruit or parents as breeders again. She will hate you for it.

The words "he checked his voicemail during labor" have been written on actual divorce filings.

Name your baby now. If you don't have an official name picked out, give your baby a nickname and talk to your baby. You will feel like a fool at first but when your baby is born and immediately recognizes your voice, you'll be glad you did.

Learn about the Bradley Method whether or not y'all choose to go that route, it helps to hear a different point of view.

Skip the stupid diaper sausage pails. The goal is to get loaded diapers OUTSIDE immediately. Just remove the screen from your window...

Get a big carpet/upholstry steam cleaner. You will use it almost daily. Don't buy the cheapy one.

Co-sleeper (where the crib can attach to your bed) help everyone involved get more sleep.
 
2012-10-08 12:32:25 PM

madgonad: orbister: Bottles? Bottle warmers? All that bother and equipment, when the best food is available on tap and for free?

That requires a conscious wife that doesn't have a job. I did about a third of my children's feedings.


The ability to breast feed while sleeping is well worth developing. I'd do all the night time changes, then plug the kid in. After a while, my wife rarely woke up.

/cosleeping
 
2012-10-08 12:32:56 PM

nacho_nacho_man: Remember that nobody wants to see Facebook posts and pictures of ultrasound, fat belly, more ultrasound, nursery decorating, baby shower, more fat belly, hospital pictures, and Billy's First Everything experiences for the next 6 years until the little monster goes off to school. Enjoy those moments yourself, but don't be disillusioned into thinking anyone else gives a crap about your little snowflake.


Definitely. And if you want an album with that, do your local Wal-Mart, Target, Walgreens, Costco, or mom and pop photo printer a favor and print them at home. We don't want to see pictures of delivery either; it creeps us out.

And no risque/nude photos, they threaten our jobs.
 
2012-10-08 12:32:59 PM
Good one I heard about newborns...

Math.

Newborn needs some 18-20+ hours of sleep a day. Adults need 5-9 and there are two parents. The math is on your side.

How to fark it up: Let the baby double team and keep both of you awake at once. Let the baby give you anxiety about getting up so that you do not go back to sleep soundly.

Do not: Take turns in the night getting up.
Do: Take shifts in the night getting up.
Person not on shift should wear earplugs so not to be disturbed.
 
2012-10-08 12:33:11 PM
No matter how tired/busy you are, don't put your kids off for "tomorrow". Time flies faster than you think. Blink and 18 years have gone by.

Buy a kitchen table. Use it for actually eating meals at.

Don't freak out about every bump/bruise/cry.

Laugh *with* them. Don't laugh *at* them.
 
2012-10-08 12:33:26 PM
Also, don't grow the New Daddy Beard.

Every guy I know has done that, and they regret it as soon as the kid figured out it's something to grab.
 
2012-10-08 12:33:38 PM
Start getting sleep now. Seriously. Sleep in on weekends, even if you aren't tired. You won't understand this now no matter how much you hear it. I can not stress this enough. SLEEP!

If he/she is crying uncontrollably (you'll know it when you see it) try running you vacuum. It settled ours down. If your kid is colicky by a cheap vacuum so you don't ruin your good one.

Go ahead and read some baby books but be prepared to ignore everything in them. Don't let others (books, family, tv, internet) influence you too much. If it makes sense to you try it out but if it doesn't work it just means your kid is different. Just like everyone else.

SLEEP!
 
2012-10-08 12:34:03 PM

Fail in Human Form: Theaetetus: Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me

The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.

Fair enough, but just remember your genes die with you.


Dammit, why don't you have a profile picture!
 
2012-10-08 12:34:28 PM

minoridiot: As a father of three I'll tell you if you pay heed to any advice, it is this:
Ignore all advice from everyone and everything (including this thread), except maybe your own parents and your kid's doctor. Other parents are usually overbearing, opinionated creatures that like to prescription ways that others should manage their lives. The fact of the matter is that kids tend to be individual and unique and no one approach will work with all of them.

Otherwise, kids are a blessing -- relax and enjoy the ride.


Does that mean subby should ignore you advice as well?

Take what advice you want, leave what you don't. I've had 2 kids, youngest is almost 2, and there are things here got me thinking "Why didn't I think of that".
 
2012-10-08 12:34:28 PM

ignoringyou: Doesn't matter where your kid sleeps (safely) as long as it sleeps. Carseat. Swing. Doesn't matter. Mom and dad need sleep too.

In general, just do whatever works for you. It'll be okay. Oh yeah, and pictures.


So much THIS.

Also, a good pediatrician is a must. Ask anyone you know with kids for references. You should be able to go to them with all worries, big or small. Especially in the beginning. I remember my brother calling me (I had kids first) to ask if he should call the Dr. for some situation or other. I said, "You need to do whatever makes YOU comfortable."
 
2012-10-08 12:34:55 PM
FEED HER! 24 /7 day or night cook, go shopping, u-turn for random restaurants whatever it takes.. makes for a happier and less morning sick pregnancy.

Also, normal birthing is more intense than you might expect, but its all ok.

Also, poop will end up on the ceiling (not from the birth)
 
2012-10-08 12:35:18 PM
Well, when the missus and I had ours (just 1), I knew I was expected to help take care of it. He' turning 15 in two weeks, and then gets his learners permit. I was almost 33, she was almost 38, and he was 7weeks preemie. He didn't start talking until he was almost 4, but he rapidly caught up, and now is an honors student, taking mostly all Advanced Placement course. Seems just yesterday he was learning to talk, and now is seems as though he won't shut up, but that will change too.
/Congrats
//Had a vasectomy when he was 2. One and done.
 
2012-10-08 12:35:25 PM
The terrible 2's last from 2 to 22.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:07 PM
YOUR.
LIFE.
IS.
OVER.

Now that's not a bad thing, but listen up.
Suck it up and realize that everything you do is for that kid now.
Want to go to a sports game in the next state? That's great....UNLESS the kid needs watched or you might need the money for baby food later.
I've seen FAR too many people try to do whatever they wanted to do BEFORE the baby came and then take it out on the baby when they can't do something.
Had a guy come into our store and buy some Magic The Gathering cards. Came back 20 minutes later and needed a refund because...and I QUOTE: "Apparently we need the baby food more my wife said.".

You don't get to do everything you wanted to because now you're in charge of someone else.
Good night.
And good luck.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:08 PM
"Breeders"?

Where's the HATE speech tag?

What's up with that mods?

Hypocrisy FTWinZZ!!!!!!

FARKfront!!!!!!
 
2012-10-08 12:36:09 PM

NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.


THIS
 
2012-10-08 12:36:14 PM
Oh, and minivan (with fold down seats). Considering the cribs, strollers -- and later Little League gear -- you'll be driving one for the next 20 years.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:16 PM

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.


Such good advise.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:30 PM
Enjoy each and every moment of the pregnancy as it is not often you get to participate in a miracle.

/And do not say "we're pregnant"; you're not, she is
//You have no idea how much poo and pee-pee a newborn can produce.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:40 PM
You'll be fine. Babies need love, food and a clean ass. You'll figure out the rest from there
 
2012-10-08 12:37:17 PM
This isn't that ONE piece of advice, but it's important. Make sure to read with you child. Read, read, read. Read kids books with them and appropriate older stories to them. It pays off greatly. If they can both read and enjoy reading by the time they start school, their life and yours will be a LOT easier.
 
2012-10-08 12:37:18 PM

orbister: sxacho: Buy or borrow as many bottles and nipples as you can fit in your sink, preferably all matching, also get a bottle warmer and learn how to operate it in your sleep.

Bottles? Bottle warmers? All that bother and equipment, when the best food is available on tap and for free?


Sometimes the tap's dry, or sleeping for the first time in a week. I'd also add a good breast pump to my list.

This is not to mention the other advice of not being afraid to supplement with formula if the milk's just not coming in in sufficient quantities. It happens.
 
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