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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   ( divider line
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4810 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2012-10-08 12:02:11 PM  
Invest in copious amounts of Vodak, Xanax and Weed.
2012-10-08 12:02:16 PM  

Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?

This is really not an issue. Use plenty of wipes. At least 3 wipes for a poop, no matter what poop. Keep wiping until there is no brown/black/green/yellow, then wipe one more time.
2012-10-08 12:02:23 PM  

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: indarwinsshadow: Get a breathing monitor for the little one (for the first year). SIDS will destroy your life.

And that. Seriously. WORTH the investment.

This is a good example of why you shouldn't solicit advice from the internet. With the right type of bedding (firm and taut), no smoking in the house, and nothing but baby and pajamas/swaddle/pacifier (if desired) in the crib, SIDS is basically not going to happen. But the apnea monitors will go off... over and over and over and over and over again, denying you precious sleep while doing nothing to rouse the very-alive, very-much-still-breathing baby. False alarm city.

I've used the home version and ran across the house more times than I care to admit on innumerable false alarms. I've sat in a hospital room with the hospital-grade apnea monitor false alarming every 5-20 minutes, never causing any change in baby's breathing, just in mine. False alarm city.

Sincere advice: make your own baby food. Almost all the jar stuff is disgusting and very expensive. Nuke or bake a sweet potato until soft, mush it up, and you've got 10 or more meals for baby. Freeze the extra in ice cube trays for single-serve portions.

Oh, and get on the day care wait list NOW. Find one where the women are holding the babies every time you look in the infant room. That's all they can do is cuddle and fuss or alternatively ignore them. Pick the cuddling one.
2012-10-08 12:02:36 PM  
Subby here - first green!

This thread is about what I expected. Thanks to all providing real, thoughtful advice. We've been trying for a while, and I've read a number of "the books" so far, and I've always felt that asking real people for real advice is more useful. My "what's one piece of advice" question has come in very handy at new jobs, new schools, vacation locations, or when setting out on a new hobby or project; I find it's usually the most practical.

I'm very excited, despite all of the "how can you bring a child into this terrible world" BS.

bdub77: Get an abortion, because anyone who thinks of their little one as a 'crotchfruit' and calls other people who have children 'breeders' should not raise a child.

Had to pander to FARK to get the green.

taglius: Your job is to turn them into an adult, not to make them like you. They can like you in 20 years when they (hopefully) realize what you were doing.

I am going to try, it's always been my theoretical plan.

WelldeadLink: Find out ahead of time what to say when she gives you the news.
Too late now.

She woke me up to tell me. I'm pretty sure I said "What?" followed by "Are you sure?" She says that when she told me, I got this huge smile, and that's all she really wanted.

Vertdang: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.

This too

We're planning on telling everyone at Thanksgiving, via "World's Greatest Grandpa/Grandma/Uncle/Aunt" coffeemugs and sweatshirts. "We got you something, since we won't see you at X-Mas!" "What the hell, I'm not a grandpa..."


priapic_abandon: Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.

You mean, like telling them about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus?
2012-10-08 12:02:54 PM  

Seriously, My Pre and Post-PD was made way worse by the birthmom forums. Get a bunch of hormonal strangers together going through the same things at the same time and it's farking SPARTA. It makes the Politics tab look like Tea Time.

The one thing I really loved was the sling. There are lots of models out there, I had (and for a while sold) the Over the Shoulder Baby Holder. One kid loved it, the other kept trying to escape, but a long sleeve shirt turned to a straightjacket and the sling held high over the kid's shoulders cured that. Best thing to have when you schlepping things all over or trying to clean.

How to make a sling from a sheet. I had to do this once when picking up the pre-schooler during a flash flood. The water would have been up to the kid's chest.

If you're going to pump, rent a medical pump. The Medela Lactina Select is "portable" in that it can be put in a gym bag with the other stuff. The personal pumps may have the "same" pump inside, but it's the stroke of the outside arm that generates the vacuum. Also get different size horns to see what will fit.

Milk is pretty sturdy. It can be pumped and kept in a thermal bag in the gym bag.

Other than that, offer bean dip to anyone who questions your choices and you're good to go.
2012-10-08 12:02:57 PM  
Your days will slow down while your years will fly by. Take them with you to do the things you enjoy. Share your passions with them. Teach them to question everything. Never buy a drum and threaten harm to anyone who does.
2012-10-08 12:03:11 PM  

YouPeopleAreCrazy: You do NOT need the $400 high end stroller, or the leather trimmed Eddie Bauer car seat. Pretty much any one will do.

Not quite, read the Consumer's Reports or the NTSB's report on car seats and buy the safest one.

/FYI Eddie Bauer seats are among the worst performers.
2012-10-08 12:03:14 PM  

namegoeshere: WalMartian: marcre3363: Write stuff down. Even if it's just a Word document where you ocassionally open it up and write a blurb about something interesting or funny the kid did, write it down.

My son turned two this June and my daughter turns one on Halloween. The last year has been a blur and there's so much I can't remember.

Oh, my God. I can relate to how special it is to find something your parent wrote about you while you were a baby. My mom died in December, 2010, and in cleaning out her house after my dad died last year, I found a steno book with her handwriting in it. I was intrigued to find grocery lists, notes, and things like that. Then I noticed a half-written letter to a relative where she describes my latest achievements/annoyances when I was about 10 months old. To sit and read about myself through her eyes was very, very touching. I kept that steno pad and will place it in my safety deposit box so nothing happens to it.

When cleaning out after my mom died, we found an old cassette of her singing songs with my older brother. You can hear me, a baby, cooing and babbling.


That was so neat to find.

I can fully understand. Did you transfer the tape to CD or something so it will last?
2012-10-08 12:03:18 PM  
Start with the flash cards the moment you get the child home. Don't let the baby sleep too much. Sleeping takes time away from learning. Babies that sleep too much don't get a leg up on others and end up as losers. Baby Einstein is good but also get Baby Hawking and Baby Kim Ung-yong.
We started with flash cards while the baby was in the womb but I'm not sure that really paid off. Stay away from children's books. Those are for losers too. Read Webster's Dictionary aloud.

As a parent the main thing you can do to help your child is worry about it. Worry during the day, then stay up and worry at night.
2012-10-08 12:03:20 PM  
This advice thread is another example of the types of things I'm seeing on Fark which seem better suited for Reddit.

Why is Fark trying to turn into Reddit?
2012-10-08 12:03:25 PM  
Read up on EVERYTHING now, don't take other's word for it because they're not experts. Dr Sears is the best resource I've found so far, he has lots of books and a website "". I also reccommend reading the book "Gentle Birth Choices" by Barbara Harper.
But, other than that, yes buying stuff well in advance is a great idea, but for your first, expect a lot of gifts too. Don't be afraid to register for stuff like diapers and wipes. And never be afraid to ask for help :)
2012-10-08 12:03:32 PM  

Kiz: They will outgrow everything rapidly.

If you had a baby shower, chances are you got a pile of stuff in size 0-3m, and the kid won't even get to wear all of it before it gets to be too small. As you can afford to, but a few of the necessities (onesies, jammies, and the like) in larger sizes before you need them. Because you will--and sooner than you think.
2012-10-08 12:03:36 PM  

scarmig: Kids are disgusting. You go from hygienic to biological warfare, zero-to-sixty. It gets better over time. But you will instantly need to get past having pee, poo, vomit, snot, blood and other unknown substances just everywhere on you.

Reminds me of my first born(son). I wash changing him, and he kept pooping. And it was the meconium poop, so it was a pain in the ass to clean off him, and the hospital had wipes you had to wet yourself, so I'm running back and forth to the bathroom to wet these stupid wipes while my soon kept on pooping. My mother in law just sat there laughing asking if I needed help.

So more advice:

BRING WIPES TO THE HOSPITAL. If there is one thing you cannot survive without, it's wipes.

Also, CLEAN OUT YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM. Take everything they bring you and ask for more. Diapers, nose suction things, alcohol wipes for the belly button. Clean them out. They have to toss anything you don't take, so take it
2012-10-08 12:03:49 PM  
Remember that no one really gives a damn about the baby stories.
2012-10-08 12:04:02 PM  

Damili: Just so you have a visual and are not surprised, my husband described her head coming out to a, "Wet Saint Bernard trying to come through a cat door".

You're married to Jeff Foxworthy?
2012-10-08 12:04:10 PM  
The first night home, when it won't stop sreaming, swaddle tightly. They really do like the whole human burrito thing.
2012-10-08 12:04:37 PM  

Earpj: Enjoy it.
It seems like it'll drag on forever, but it's gone in the blink of an eye.

/I have 5. Eldest is 21, youngest will be 11 tomorrow.

this. CHERISH EACH DAY. 3 girls. youngest is 22.
2012-10-08 12:04:39 PM  
Apparently you shouldn't buy new furniture, subby.
2012-10-08 12:04:54 PM  
As a father of a 4 year old with another on the way (in May sometime), i'm getting a kick...

/seriously, doesn't matter how much advice you get, almost NONE of it will apply. It WILL be completely different (in good and bad ways) than you think. Every "phase" you go through with the child is short; but the NEXT one is coming. There's ALWAYS a next one. And it's totally worth it.
2012-10-08 12:04:54 PM  

grokca: Start saving for their education now.

No. Start a trust fund for their retirement. (seriously.)
2012-10-08 12:05:08 PM  

Tom_Slick: C-sections don't leave that much of a scar.

Depends on the incision. My mom had three c-sections and was sliced vertically. She still has the massive scar under her bellybutton. When she had her hysterectomy, they did it horizontally and that incision healed faster and with less scar tissue than her other three.
2012-10-08 12:05:08 PM  

Tom_Slick: officespacejk: Heraclitus: No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.

OH, I got trickfarked on that said "your son is crowning, do you want to see your son being born?" stupidly i looked...there is no amount of eye bleach that will disassociate that mental image from her hooha

I guess that is one plus of my daughter not wanting to turn around, C-sections don't leave that much of a scar.

during my 2nd, a girl, i stood next to my exwife, facing the wall & perpendicular to her...i looked down at her but would not turn around. it took 2 years to be able to shag confidently after the 1st visual issue, i wasn't going there again.
2012-10-08 12:05:24 PM  
Your house will be a disaster area for at least a few years. So don't get too fired up about juice/pee/unidentified icky stains or crayon/marker/Sharpie on the walls. Just clean as you go and plan to redecorate when the spilling years are over.
2012-10-08 12:05:27 PM  
Join Amazon Mom for good deals on diapers.
2012-10-08 12:05:32 PM  
It's a lot more fun than you'll expect.

It's also a lot harder that you expect. And it's not hard because any one thing is especially difficult. It's hard because it's constant and never-ending. There are no breaks.

For that reason, be really really nice to your spouse. The only breaks you get over the next five years are the ones you make for each other.

Also, apply for daycare now. All the good one have stupid long waiting lists.
2012-10-08 12:05:45 PM  
You will never regret the time spent talking, teaching, playing, etc. with them. You will, however, regret every moment you spent not doing those things.

Oh, and explain everything. Even the difficult, scary, uncomfortable things.
2012-10-08 12:05:49 PM  


BRING WIPES TO THE HOSPITAL. If there is one thing you cannot survive without, it's wipes.

Also, CLEAN OUT YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM. Take everything they bring you and ask for more. Diapers, nose suction things, alcohol wipes for the belly button. Clean them out. They have to toss anything you don't take, so take it

Hell. My youngest will be 11 tomorrow, and I still buy wipes. Very handy to have around.
2012-10-08 12:05:50 PM  

Madame Ovary: Some good advice up above. I'll add a couple more regarding discipline:

1. Never lose your composure in front of your kid.
2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is no worse disciplinary measure than the idle threat.
3. Show respect for others at all times, so you have the moral authority to expect respect from them later on.

The best parenting thing I ever saw was Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer.

Once you get frustrated, you lose. Frustration is the bane of discipline. Once you get emotional, and you let the frustration come out (because their ignorance will frustrate the hell out of you as a parent), then you lose.

The kids are only ignorant because you didn't teach them yet. Their faults as a child are your failings as a parent.

/also, minivans are awesome
2012-10-08 12:06:00 PM  

Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion: TrixieDelite:

Cloth diapers are a joke. God invented disposables for a reason. Use them.

They suck as diapers, but they make great burp rags. I always kept a pile near the changing table for burpies and general cleanup.

This, absolutely.
2012-10-08 12:06:23 PM  
Buy or borrow as many bottles and nipples as you can fit in your sink, preferably all matching, also get a bottle warmer and learn how to operate it in your sleep.
2012-10-08 12:06:44 PM  
Oh yeah! UNDERPADS! Forget those cute expensive changing pads in the baby aisle. Go to the old people asile and get underpads. Portable changing pads, much more inexpensive.

There's the inevitable Mom bag. I also made up a Dad bag that was smaller with one of everything. Once the kids were walking, they carried fanny packs over the shoulder with their own damn diapers and wipes.
2012-10-08 12:06:51 PM  
Sooner or later your child will walk
Sooner or later your child will come into your bedroom and wake you out of a sound sleep to tell you they "don't feel good".
IMMEDIATELY cover your head to avoid the intense spew of vomit that will follow within the next 5 seconds.
Trust me on this.

/bitter experience
//lactose intolerant kiddos
2012-10-08 12:07:08 PM  
Put a whole-house humidifier in your HVAC. This is especially true if you heat your home with central air/gas furnace. Your baby will sleep much, much better in a warm, properly humid environment. My preemie kid rattled for a week before we realized the air was too dry. I rigged a one-room, hot water humidifier with humidistat control for him and he slept perfectly after this.

//// Helps to be an electrical engineer and a damn-good handyman to boot.
2012-10-08 12:07:23 PM  
Be prepared to nickname one of your kids "Poocasso" because of her penchant to make wall art out of poop.
2012-10-08 12:07:33 PM  
bath time rocks!
it broke my heart when those soapy, sloppy night-time parties came to an end

also, get one of these:
2012-10-08 12:07:34 PM  
It will puke, poop, pee, and probably bleed at some point onto your couch. So if you're fond of it (the couch, I mean. I assume you'll be fond of the kid) invest in a good couch cover.
2012-10-08 12:07:42 PM  
Hope you don't like sleep.
2012-10-08 12:08:13 PM  
Why are you doing this to me? I'm having farking flashbacks to calculating how much those stupid wipes cost, and using those select a size paper towels instead. It's a wonder I'm still married.
2012-10-08 12:08:19 PM  

IamSoSmart_S_M_R_T: Be prepared to nickname one of your kids "Poocasso" because of her penchant to make wall art out of poop.

Guilty. I did this. Poor mom.
2012-10-08 12:08:48 PM  

Barbaro's Broken Ankle: Ignore all of the advice you get in this thread and just do what works best for you and your family.

We said we would never co-sleep and baby #1 would only sleep when he was in our bed. When you are tired it doesn't matter.

/baby #2 sleeps in his crib without problems. And yes, we were able to get baby #1 out of out bed how else were we able to make baby #2.


Seriously, trust yourself - you know far more than you think. It ain't rocket science and billions of other people have been there - done that.

P.S. Don't listen to other parents who claim they potty-trained their precious snowflake in four hours; they're liars.
2012-10-08 12:08:56 PM  
Judging by your headline (crotchfruit), you have a good sense of humor. Maintain that, you'll need it!

(not a parent but many friends are)
2012-10-08 12:09:13 PM  
I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

A good baby monitor is about the only gadget that I had to have.

Decide on cloth or disposable but remember that cloth is about twice as difficult, if not more.

Everyone who is "trying" to help will buy you bath tub crap and clothes that will fit your child for about 2 months. Ask for gift certificates or frozen food instead.
I'm still using this bath tub stuff.

Frozen food rocks.

You will find yourself being grateful for baby changing stations in the men's rooms. If there is a man involved that is.

Don't be offended if your child looks to mom for love, and you for fun and will not be convenced otherwise until they are about 3 or 4. Again, I'm a guy so I'm making an assumption here.

No really ask people to make you some frozen food. Start making some yourself.

I talked to my kids all the time. Explaining what was going on, what I was doing and singing etc. Both started talking at a very young age. Correlation or causation idk.

We taught our kids some basic sign language, it helped for about 4 months and it was cool to communicate with my kids before they could talk. But its up to you, I could have done without it.

Baby food is expensive and really unnecessary there are some great books on this topic. Unless you are really dedicated you won't want to make your own.

The things our parents did are probably outdated get a second opinion and if someone tells you you are doing it wrong but your kid is happy and healthy, ignore them.

Not knowing the sex of the child was really fun, we did it both times. We also didn't say what names we had chosen until they were born. Its hard to make fun of a kid's name right after they were born, but everyone will want an opinion before. 

Some kids like to sleep, some don't. Good luck. Once its time to start sleep training them, talk with your parter about how "stern" you want to be. Decide on this in advance, and get a book or two on the subject.

Best website ever! 

Frozen food.

In the early months you and your partner don't have to be awake/asleep at the same time. Take turns and enjoy the alone time with your little one.

Baby educational toys are crap.

Lighten up... then lighten up some more.

After the baby is born make a list of chores that need done around the house. If people want to come over and play with the baby and leave then tell them they have to pick a chore first.

Buy a bigger freezer and get some frozen foods. 

We got an expensive crib that converted into a day bed then later into a twin bed. I'm really glad we did.
2012-10-08 12:09:30 PM  
Get used to beating off. You're never getting it the natural way anymore. Invest in lotion.
2012-10-08 12:09:38 PM  
Haha! Fark sleep for the first couple of weeks of your crotch turd's existence. After that, it's pretty awesome.
2012-10-08 12:10:04 PM  
Make sure they can't reach the curtains, shades, or wallpaper border from the crib. What they can touch, they will destroy.
2012-10-08 12:10:09 PM  

JammerJim: Read about child development but DO NOT freak out if your kid is ahead/behind/on time. Kids are all different.

This plus eleventy. Development is a resource-allocation balancing act. Just about every kid learns to speak, sleep, sit, crawl, walk, run, climb, do puzzles, achieve object permanence, potty train, etc... but it can't be done at once. It takes enormous energy to develop their brain for each of the tasks, and the physical ones also require a lot of energy to develop their musculature. So kids that are super at climbing may be slow at speech, and vice versa.

Avoid comparing your kids to other kids; you only see those other kids for minutes per day or week.
2012-10-08 12:10:13 PM  
-It's not as hard as people make it out to be.
-Be ready for the anti-breeder crowd. You are now "those people". Embrace it. You'll become immune to the judging glares from the childless when your baby cries in public, because f*ck them.


Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion:
-Throw away pretty much every "So you're a new parent!" book. They're all garbage, except for the one about infant and pediatric emergency health. That one's gold.


-Diaper Genie. Yeah, it's expensive. Do it anyway. I cannot stress this enough.

THAT (or similar equivalent...anything to keep the poo-stench contained).

-Speaking of diapers, buy a pile of cloth diapers. They suck as diapers, but they are abso-frigging-lutely fantastic at cleaning up spills, using as burp rags, etc.


-In the hospital, the instant the child is born, you (as the father), become a fourth-class citizen. You're there, but you'll be treated like a ghost. Bring a DS or something to play with.

This might actually get you killed.
2012-10-08 12:10:21 PM  
Get a travel job now. My buddy gets to spend 4 days a week 1000 miles from home in a nice, quiet hotel room. He says he'll get a desk job when the kid hits little league age.
2012-10-08 12:10:46 PM  

jbuist: The Happiest Baby on the Block - Dr. Karp buy that book and read it or get the DVD.

Best advise ever on soothing a fussy baby for the first three months of their life.

I have a 6 month old daughter and this DVD was the most useful info I had. it's unbelievable how well it works to calm a baby.

I'd also recommend getting an exercise ball to sit on and bounce the baby vigorously when he's fussy. my daughter has to be moving to calm down from a fit.
2012-10-08 12:10:46 PM  
If its a girl, don't molest her friends on sleepovers.
If you do, thinking you can hide the body where nobody will ever find it only makes things worse.
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