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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4799 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 11:47:16 AM  
Start a "take-out food" fund NOW. Because those first few weeks where you are struggling to get into the swing of things with the newborn, you are and your wife are going to be too tired to cook. It will be bowls of cold cereal over the sink and PB&Js for a while. So, having a "take-out food" fund will guarantee you into having at least one good meal a day or every other day.

Enjoy the moments of having the little one asleep in your arms or against your chest, with his/her face snuggled against your neck. You will never ever have someone trust you that completely in your life ever again. (Unless you have another child.) It is one of the best feelings in the world. Relish it. You will miss it once the baby grows into a kid a no long does it.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:23 AM  

nodubs: Really? We loved the Kirkland ones. A box of 1-2 lasted a month, and are the right size for storing crap in later.


You're not supposed to store the poop in a diaper. You should throw it away.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:46 AM  
Just so you have a visual and are not surprised, my husband described her head coming out to a, "Wet Saint Bernard trying to come through a cat door".
 
2012-10-08 11:47:54 AM  
The diameter of an unpopped kernel of popcorn is approximately 0.5 mm larger than the diameter of the ear canal of a typical 4 year old male.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:55 AM  
Start saving for their education now.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:00 AM  
You are not number one anymore. You are now merely a vehicle to get the kid to the grandparents' house so that they may dote over him/her. They will barely know that you are there anymore.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:22 AM  
They grow up fast, but the first 6 months seems like it takes forever. Also be prepared to be peed on.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:25 AM  
Don't have another one until you can afford it.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:33 AM  
It is HER labor story. Not yours. Do not tell it.

Hers.

Not yours.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:35 AM  
Enjoy every single moment, every new facial expression, new sound and every milestone. They grow up FAST. Oh, and take a lot of pictures.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:44 AM  

Just Another OC Homeless Guy: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

Pretentious gay intellectual douchbags attempting to build up their own egos by tearing down others. Seriously.


You're about 270 years late there. Seriously.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:48 AM  
Also, enjoy the next few months, because usually by the seventh month your wife will have turned into a hormonal, insane hosebeast with whom there will be no reasoning.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:54 AM  
If you child has flailing limbs of death that defy even the strongest of swaddles and results in frequent wake-ups, securing said child with velcro will not work and will only result in your partner recounting this story over and over to everyone imaginable.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:55 AM  
Get ready for the best/worst ride of your life. Also, learn to count to 10 before letting too much piss you off. It goes fast, hug your babies every chance you get. (Daughter 25, Son 30) Oh, and Baby Powder with Corn Starch is freakin' magical!
 
2012-10-08 11:49:01 AM  

Devo: Buy a diaper a size too big for night time.


If your baby wets through while sleeping, you can buy these things called "diaper doublers" that are like a maxi-pad that you put in the diaper to soak up more liquid.

It's much better than a crying baby wearing cold, urine-soaked jammies.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:12 AM  
Write stuff down. Even if it's just a Word document where you ocassionally open it up and write a blurb about something interesting or funny the kid did, write it down.

My son turned two this June and my daughter turns one on Halloween. The last year has been a blur and there's so much I can't remember.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:23 AM  
Honestly, all the lost sleep, everything was worth it to have a child that I could be a father too.

I recommend you have more than one kid as an only child can get lonely without siblings. Yeah, they'll fight as brothers and sisters do. But they'll still love one another and have each other.

When you bring the baby home, the baby will cry and you'll have no idea what's the matter. Simple, change the baby or feed the baby. So, check the diaper first. Then try the bottle and/or boob. It's that simple for the first days. You'll catch on what more they'll need as you both grow together.

Oh, all those birth films end with the beautiful baby in the parents' arms. If you plan to be there at the birth, the fun doesn't end after the baby pops out and is cleaned up by the nurses. Here comes the AFTERBIRTH next. Man, that's some weird looking stuff coming out of your wife.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:41 AM  
Don't let the hospital give your wife pitocin unless it's absolutely necessary. It speeds up birth so that you have the baby on their schedule. Unfortunately, it also depresses respiration. So now they need to do a C section... More money for them, major surgery for her.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:03 AM  
You're going to have some dark dark thoughts, but it's ok. Sleeping 2 hours a night and the crying will get to anyone. Just relax.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:04 AM  
It is ancient and royal advice handed down from the deep, storied days of Britain's past...

calitreview.com

/also, buy wipes by the pallet. you're going to be wiping piss and poop off of everything in the house
 
2012-10-08 11:50:10 AM  
The people at the hospital can be assholes. Don't let you push them around. Example - I was having huge problems getting my baby to latch on, she finally started to, and a nurse swooped in and took her away because it was time for the pediatrician to look at all of the babies. I was alone and too whacked out to fight back. Asshole.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:13 AM  
Doesn't matter where your kid sleeps (safely) as long as it sleeps. Carseat. Swing. Doesn't matter. Mom and dad need sleep too.

In general, just do whatever works for you. It'll be okay. Oh yeah, and pictures.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:23 AM  
Always remember that you are their parent, not their friend. When they become a well-adjusted adult thanks to your guidance, THEN you can have your friend.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:25 AM  

Theaetetus: Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me

The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.


Fair enough, but just remember your genes die with you.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:27 AM  
Most people who dislike kids are actually haters of bad parenting. Always remember you are a parent and not a friend or buddy. Your goal is to create an adult. I generally dislike kids myself, but I was that way when I was a kid as well.

Do not overlook necessary "kid time" but balance that with beneficial life lessons. I've never dealt with a temper tantrum in a store, restaurant, etc. because its simply unacceptable. You have to remember that you are the sun, moon and stars to your children and that comes with a great deal of personal responsibility.

All of the comments like "you are never prepared" or "hide your stuff" are only from those who were not up to the challenge.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:40 AM  

mekki: Start a "take-out food" fund NOW. Because those first few weeks where you are struggling to get into the swing of things with the newborn, you are and your wife are going to be too tired to cook. It will be bowls of cold cereal over the sink and PB&Js for a while. So, having a "take-out food" fund will guarantee you into having at least one good meal a day or every other day.

Enjoy the moments of having the little one asleep in your arms or against your chest, with his/her face snuggled against your neck. You will never ever have someone trust you that completely in your life ever again. (Unless you have another child.) It is one of the best feelings in the world. Relish it. You will miss it once the baby grows into a kid a no long does it.

This - a hundred times over. It never gets old.

 
2012-10-08 11:50:46 AM  

Heraclitus: No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.


OH, I got trickfarked on that one...doctor said "your son is crowning, do you want to see your son being born?" stupidly i looked...there is no amount of eye bleach that will disassociate that mental image from her hooha
 
2012-10-08 11:50:51 AM  
Don't bother reading pregnancy books -- they're all pretty much the same thing: "This might happen, it might not happen, or the opposite of this might happen." It's a scam. Learn to love garage sales. Load up on sleep -- you'll need it.

Raising is kid is far far more important than anything else you'll ever do, so prioritize it correctly. It's OK to not be able to afford things if you're spending time with your family. You can buy stuff again in 18+ years.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:53 AM  
I'd like to reiterate the advice that has popped up a few times in the thread, because this item is often overlooked, but can have great interpersonal benefits when exercised liberally:

Don't talk about your kids all the time. Sure, it's a great experience and because it is life-changing, it will consume your consciousness such that it will always be your first topic for conversation.

Nobody else will really, truly care.

To paraphrase Carlin, we don't care about your kids... that's why they're your kids! You get to care about them for the rest of us. That's about it =)

Congrats, buddy! I'm happy for you and your partner. Enjoy it.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:59 AM  
Have your wife ask for diapers, only, for her baby shower. You'll use every single one of them, and they can be in any size. They are going to be your biggest expense, and there is a certain amount of peace having to not run out and get them.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:08 AM  

Fail in Human Form: Theaetetus: Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me

The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.

Fair enough, but just remember your genes die with you.


Yeah, but so do I, so why would I care? ;)
 
2012-10-08 11:51:13 AM  

Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.


I like that idea.

tricycleracer: Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.

Sage advice.


Indeed.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:15 AM  
Cancel your plans and lower your standards.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:22 AM  
Here is a tid bit, once they are mobile, a baby can move twice as fast and has arms that are twice as long as you remembered. They will get into EVERYTHING!
 
2012-10-08 11:51:27 AM  
-Sleep as much as possible now, while you can still enjoy it.
-Start saving every dime you can and stop living like you're single. You're going to need it.
-Throw away pretty much every "So you're a new parent!" book. They're all garbage, except for the one about infant and pediatric emergency health. That one's gold.
-Diaper Genie. Yeah, it's expensive. Do it anyway. I cannot stress this enough.
-Speaking of diapers, buy a pile of cloth diapers. They suck as diapers, but they are abso-frigging-lutely fantastic at cleaning up spills, using as burp rags, etc. They're exactly the right size and can be easily washed. Since they're white, you can toss some bleach in the wash water without worrying about the color.
-In the hospital, the instant the child is born, you (as the father), become a fourth-class citizen. You're there, but you'll be treated like a ghost. Bring a DS or something to play with.
-The VCR is not a sandwich docking station yet, but it will be. If you have anything of value, stop valuing it.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:35 AM  
When all else fails, get buble stuff and blow bubbles at fussy babby. He (she) will often stop screaming to watch them.

Be careful not to get soap bubbles in babby's eyes, or the screaming will resume.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:49 AM  

Mr.Insightful: Tell your wife to get the #@(*&@#@# epidural.
Seriously.


My wife went with the epidural the first time. It gave her massive migrane (spinal tap headache) and she had trouble sitting up to nurse for a couple of days.

The second one she didn't get the epidural. She said it was more painful but she said it was better then the damn headache.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:54 AM  
A&D is a miracle. Best diaper rash/dry skin stuff I've ever used.

The white stuff usually has to be wiped off, which really hurts sore little bottoms. A&D soaks in.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:06 AM  
Oh, and if people glare at you in public, ignore the bastards. A lot of being around young kids involves damage control, and most people in public setting (especially workers) would rather deal with a little mess than a crying child.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:10 AM  
Don't buy a bunch of baby products you don't need. For your fist kid you buy one of everything at the local Babies R Us and find out half of it is junk, and half of what's left you never use. Then if you have a second kid you realize what a dolt you were for falling for all the marketing scams.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:11 AM  
If for some reason they have to induce labor, take the epidural. You can't do any of that fancy stuff they teach you in childbirth class to make things easier without drugs.

Read about child development but DO NOT freak out if your kid is ahead/behind/on time. Kids are all different.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:12 AM  
Your relationship with your wife will change...not overnight, but parenthood is a life-altering thing and you both will change. Do what you can to change in the same direction. It's hard to describe but you'll see what I mean eventually. Congratulations, by the way.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:21 AM  

soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?


I know it's splitting hairs, but barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is capable of being a breeder. Those that actually procreate have bred. They are the breeders.

The rest of us are just capable =)
 
2012-10-08 11:52:22 AM  
Suggest two kids so they develop social skills.

Suggest public school so that they grow up around kids from different backgrounds don't become tea party Nazi's in adulthood.

Make homework and grades their highest priority till they head off to college.

You're not going to get any sleep for four years.

The next eighteen years are going to blow by in about fifteen seconds.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:23 AM  

kregh99: You are not number one anymore. You are now merely a vehicle to get the kid to the grandparents' house so that they may dote over him/her. They will barely know that you are there anymore.


The plus side is you can safely nap in the recliner for 3 solid hours while Grandma gets her grandchild fix, this comes in very handy.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:25 AM  
Don't get a hot au pair.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:28 AM  
Love your child. That being said, don't forget your relationship with your wife. We put all our energies into being good parents and providers and forgot to nurture our relationship. Looks like we are headed for divorce.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:45 AM  
It will be harder than you imagine now.

You will cope much better than you thought possible, so much so that you will enjoy it more than you could have imagined.

Your wife will become the least rational person you have ever dealt with. Be patient and have respect for the increadible things her body is doing.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:54 AM  

Big Ramifications: Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.


Haven't had that problem with either one, knock wood, but if you wear glasses get the frames that can be bent without hurting them. I did, my wife didn't, hers got bent beyond repair.

Also, keep one or more of your old cellular phones when you get new ones. After awhile mine didn't want to play with those fake toy ones anymore; they wanted to play with the real thing. Once you get your phone number removed, they can play with the old ones to their heart's content.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:55 AM  
You guys go ahead and perpetuate the species. I'm scared to death of being legally responsible for the health and well-being of another human. I mean, I don't even own plants.
 
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