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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4785 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 11:41:55 AM
It's never going to be the right day to quit sniffing glue.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:56 AM
Drink often and early...

/3 under the age of 5....
//also forget all the "N" and "1" size cute stuff. Just a shiatton of cotton onesies
 
2012-10-08 11:41:56 AM
He is one more for your wife. When the baby is big enough to where you can really start feeling the movement, a bag of frozen peas to the belly is a great way to get the baby to move. Mine had a habit of sitting on my bladder and playing bounce house. Also worked well when we had an ultrasound done and she was in a position that we couldn't tell the sex at first.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:57 AM
4 weeks util our first is born. At this point I am just going to take it one day at a time.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:03 AM
Tell your wife to get the #@(*&@#@# epidural.
Seriously.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:12 AM
Bring 'em up strict, you can loosen up later when the youngling(s) are ready to take on more responsibility.

You're the grown up so you're the one in charge and that means that the world of the child is what you make of it. Sure, you'll have some contests of will (hopefully) but if you make sure you get through those times on top, you'll be happier for it later on. Trying to restrict an unruly teenager is hell, but if you've had strict rules that you were able to expand as the child matured, you'll find that things will go a lot easier and the teenager will enjoy more freedom but understand that it comes with a responsibility.

And please, PLEASE have time for your child! Parents are the most important people in the world for a child so make sure you live up to that!

The love of a child is a precious thing and I hope you and the missus enjoy it each and every day =)

/congrats!
 
2012-10-08 11:42:14 AM

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.


Yep. Subby, there's a 20% chance of miscarriage before week 12. After that 5% of pregnancies still result in miscarriage.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:23 AM
You won't bond with your child right away; it takes time. Your wife has a head start on you here because the baby is a physical reality to her long before he's a reality to you. When I first saw the top of my oldest child's head emerge, I thought "Holy shiat, there really was a baby in there." It's not as though we didn't have some warning, but there are stages of "realness" involved.

If this is your first child, you may resent your newborn - possibly a quite a bit - for months on end. If this is uncomfortable for you, relax: this is all normal. My oldest I didn't like each other much at all for the first four months or so. Today she's almost nine, and she's a jewel. We're close, and I can't imagine life without her.

/Same advice I give every expecting father
//Three kids and a vasectomy
 
2012-10-08 11:42:31 AM
Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:51 AM

taglius: Your job is to turn them into an adult, not to make them like you. They can like you in 20 years when they (hopefully) realize what you were doing.


THIS!

Also involves allowing them to make decisions. Start at around 2 with what shoes to wear and go from there.

I know FAR too many young "adults" who have NO idea how to make a decision.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:57 AM

NowhereMon: Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility".


I second this.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:09 AM
AW
 
2012-10-08 11:43:10 AM

Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me


The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:25 AM
Do not go out in public until your crotchfruit responds positively to voice commands.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:45 AM

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


This.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:53 AM
No matter how long it takes and how hungry you get, DO NOT walk into the labor room eating fried chicken. You'll get the "IF LOOKS COULD KILL" look.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:55 AM

priapic_abandon: Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.


So talk about politics?
 
2012-10-08 11:43:55 AM
you will spend the 1st 18 month wishing they could talk to you, and the next 18 years wishing they'd shut the hell up.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:55 AM
Remember that nobody wants to see Facebook posts and pictures of ultrasound, fat belly, more ultrasound, nursery decorating, baby shower, more fat belly, hospital pictures, and Billy's First Everything experiences for the next 6 years until the little monster goes off to school. Enjoy those moments yourself, but don't be disillusioned into thinking anyone else gives a crap about your little snowflake.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:57 AM
Calling Dr Ferber for sleep issues.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:03 AM

gingerjet: Your friends will be happy and excited for you. But they have limits - don't speak about the kid every minute you are with them because eventually they will kill you.


The friends who don't have kids wont be your friends for long. That's not to say you will ditch them or they will ditch you. But you can't do the same stuff that you could before you had kids. You will drift apart.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:09 AM
I'm going to reiterate what has already been said about the value of a swing. I also recommend a baby papa-san chair; one of my daughters slept better in that than she did in her crib.

And also, what Earpj said about it going by in the blink of an eye. My youngest turns 8 next weekend.

Take lots of pictures.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:11 AM

naughtyrev: Get a paternity test.

 
2012-10-08 11:44:17 AM
buy the best stroller you can, it is the one thing I spend the most money on
 
2012-10-08 11:44:21 AM

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.

The only good diapers for newborns are pampers swaddlers, fyi. But yeah, what he said. Formula too if you're going that route.


Really? We loved the Kirkland ones. A box of 1-2 lasted a month, and are the right size for storing crap in later.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:26 AM
Savor every moment you spend with your child, even the ones that seem not so fun right then. You have no idea how much time speeds up once you have children, and those moments will be gone almost faster than you can appreciate them.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:34 AM
If you ever wanted to travel somewhere special with your wife, do it in the next few months before she gets travel restrictions, or else be prepared to wait 20 years.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:41 AM
Everyone will give you tons of advice about sleeping, feeding, car seats, high chairs, TV or no, etc. Ignore it all and do what you think is right. You will screw up, that's okay, the kid will be fine despite you. And use the hell out of your wife's enforced designator driver status for the next nine months, because after that you'll be too busy to go out anymore.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:45 AM
The pregnancy will go fine and the baby will be fine and, even if the pregnancy doesn't go fine, the baby will still probably be fine. So try to relax.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:46 AM
Buy a diaper a size too big for night time.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:46 AM

Big Ramifications: Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.


I've never had a problem with this. I kept an eye on this with my daughter, told her these are adult toys and she doesn't mess with it on most occasions.

Then again I'm about to have child #2 in 2 days which is a boy so who knows, everything I've learned goes out the window again.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:49 AM
Just think of yourself as a Salmon and you'll do fine.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:32 AM
Stouffer's Frozen Lasagna. Energy dense, easy to cook, tastes great at 3 a.m., not terribly unhealthy.

To take care of an infant, you have to take care of you some, too.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:39 AM

Kuligula: NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.

All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.


Yeah, nobody tells you about the constant poop conversations. Size, color, consistency and so on.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:48 AM

soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?


Pretentious gay intellectual douchbags attempting to build up their own egos by tearing down others. Seriously. Then it got adopted by ubur-enviromentalists who obsess about the "human plague" that infects the Earth.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:51 AM
I will also go with SLEEP NOW!!

Also, get used to your living room looking like a tornado went through it 24/7. No matter how much you clean, it's never enough

I have a 3 year old boy (who was so good as a baby, quiet, happy) and a 9 month old girl....redheaded girl.....who is happy 85% of the time, but when she isn't happy.....

Well, lets just say I'm training the boy to perform exorcisms.

/I still love her of course, but she gets ANGRY
 
2012-10-08 11:45:52 AM
Costco membership for you both to afford diapers
Get a babysitter as soon as your wife is willing and start going out on a regular basis, it's so easy to get so tied up in kids you forget who your married to.
Hire a cleaning service for the first couple of months to take the issue of housework out of the equation for you both to reduce arguements.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:57 AM

Devo: Buy a diaper a size too big for night time.


And one for the kid, too.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:06 AM
No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.

If you love your wife and you plan on ever having sex with her again, DONT DO IT!
 
2012-10-08 11:46:14 AM
Buy one book and just read the second half of it. "Healthy sleep habits, happy child". Stick to the plan and you will be rewarded.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:20 AM

Wilcutt: Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.

This.


Yes. The day I bought my last pack of diapers and the day I bought my last can of formula were GREAT days.

/That's stuff's expensive.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:27 AM

Damili: When the baby is big enough to where you can really start feeling the movement, a bag of frozen peas to the belly is a great way to get the baby to move.


Eh, falcon punch works just as well.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:27 AM
If their crying and fussing has driven you to the point where you're no longer able to handle it calmly, go in another room and crank the stereo or television for a few minutes and calm the fark down. A few more minutes of crying isn't going to hurt them so get your wits about you before you handle it.

I was told that before we had our first and thought it was kind of creepy, like I would never need it. Best advice ever.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:30 AM
As your kid grows up, do your best to remind yourself that while you're an important person in their life you are NOT in control of who they turn out to be or how they behave. They are. You have a good amount of influence. So do their teachers, friends, school, community. And a good deal of it is simply who they are out of the womb. Do the best you can, but don't beat yourself up over your failures (and you will have failures) and don't worry about every little thing. If you're a good person and do your best, it'll all turn out fine.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:31 AM

Earpj: Enjoy it.
It seems like it'll drag on forever, but it's gone in the blink of an eye.

/I have 5. Eldest is 21, youngest will be 11 tomorrow.


THIS! Enjoy the time, even the crappy times, take lots of photos/videos, and don't forget to add lots of love and hugs.

/Daughter turns 30 in Jan. Time flies too quickly.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:44 AM
Enjoy your free time while you still have some. If you like restaurants, go. It'll be order in from here on out. If you like going to movies, go. It'll be PVR and on-demand.

All unless your parents live nearby. Then you're gold.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:48 AM

nacho_nacho_man: Remember that nobody wants to see Facebook posts and pictures of ultrasound, fat belly, more ultrasound, nursery decorating, baby shower, more fat belly, hospital pictures, and Billy's First Everything experiences for the next 6 years until the little monster goes off to school. Enjoy those moments yourself, but don't be disillusioned into thinking anyone else gives a crap about your little snowflake.


The is probably the best advice yet. The occasional picture of Facebook? No problem. The truth of the matter is that no one really gives a crap about your children.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:01 AM
Never ever come home from work, look at your (finally) sleeping newborn, and say to your wife who was up all night, hasn't showered in days, and has been dealing with copious poop, engorged, leaky breasts, horrormones, and a fussy baby all day, "Wow. I can not believe how much my life has changed."

She will attempt to kill you.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:08 AM
Btw, for babies with reflux issues, point them away from you and furniture when burping. And have hardwood floors.

It looks like a lot comes out but they do manage to grow.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:13 AM

Full Blown Jimbo: Kuligula: NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.

All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.

Yeah, nobody tells you about the constant poop conversations. Size, color, consistency and so on.


As much as I loved Irish mustard before ours, it loses the charm after having something looking exactly like that flying at you from a small anus.
 
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