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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com ) divider line
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4807 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 11:13:06 AM  
Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.
 
2012-10-08 11:16:53 AM  
My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.
 
2012-10-08 11:19:14 AM  
Enjoy it.
It seems like it'll drag on forever, but it's gone in the blink of an eye.

/I have 5. Eldest is 21, youngest will be 11 tomorrow.
 
2012-10-08 11:19:37 AM  
Get a paternity test.
 
2012-10-08 11:22:06 AM  

NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.


All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.
 
2012-10-08 11:28:07 AM  
A couple other things: Don't listen to other people's horror stories, especially about childbirth. Don't overthink childbirth, as much as you want to make it a special experience or what ever you and your wife will barely remember it in a few years. Keep it simple to reduce the stress now.
 
2012-10-08 11:31:12 AM  
vasectomies only hurt for a little while
 
2012-10-08 11:32:16 AM  
Get one of those books that tells you what it's like to be pregnant and what it's like to have a baby. You'll probably freak out at a lot of things that just turn out to be normal and expected.

Get a Boppy pillow and bring it to the hospital. Get a swing.

After the baby is born, have someone run and get a box of donuts and coffee from Dunkin' Donuts or something similar. Bring it to the nurse's station on your hospital floor and tell them that it's for them as a thank you. Bring an empty duffel bag to your room after that.
 
2012-10-08 11:33:04 AM  
Soak the beans!!!
 
2012-10-08 11:35:33 AM  
Run
 
2012-10-08 11:35:43 AM  
Your friends will be happy and excited for you. But they have limits - don't speak about the kid every minute you are with them because eventually they will kill you.
 
2012-10-08 11:35:47 AM  
barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?
 
2012-10-08 11:35:51 AM  
Found out the last time the UPS man was at the house.
 
2012-10-08 11:36:20 AM  
Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.
 
2012-10-08 11:36:33 AM  
Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.
 
2012-10-08 11:36:37 AM  
Teach them to spearfish as early as possible.
 
2012-10-08 11:37:15 AM  

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.


This too
 
2012-10-08 11:37:45 AM  
The ob shouldn't spike the kid in celebration; that's malpractice
 
2012-10-08 11:37:55 AM  

Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.


Sage advice.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:00 AM  
Instead of buying...

Rent to own.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:08 AM  
Scietntific studies have show that pregnant ladies are 47% more likely to let you put it in their butt.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:19 AM  
Abort!
 
2012-10-08 11:38:21 AM  
Learn to swaddle like a champ. A tight swaddle works wonders at nap/bedtime. Practice now so you won't suck at it. (use a pillow to simulate a whiny baby)
 
2012-10-08 11:38:27 AM  
Get a breathing monitor for the little one (for the first year). SIDS will destroy your life.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:32 AM  
Nothing. Just do your best and enjoy every minute of it - even the bad stuff.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:35 AM  

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


The only good diapers for newborns are pampers swaddlers, fyi. But yeah, what he said. Formula too if you're going that route.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:35 AM  

Kuligula: . Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.


Or at least strangely not be as disgusted by it. Kids are older now, I'm disgusted by poop again.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:50 AM  
Your job is to turn them into an adult, not to make them like you. They can like you in 20 years when they (hopefully) realize what you were doing.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:55 AM  
They're not made of glass.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:56 AM  
The mailman's sperm delivery service worked eh? Congratulations.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:09 AM  

soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?


The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:21 AM  
2.bp.blogspot.com 
/doesn't have kids
 
2012-10-08 11:39:33 AM  
My wife and I waited, by choice, for 16 years to have our son (two years old now). I whats helpful can depend on your age. I was old enough to have a little more understanding of what other people go through with their children. That said, I would think "training" yourself on having patience is the big thing.

And on the poop thing - don't let it scare you. I was utterly repulsed at the prospect of having to clean another person's shiat. That ended the second my son was born...like flipping a switch. It was nothing.

Oh, and they're going to get dirty and they are going to hurt themselves. Some parents go off the deep end with respect to this. Be reasonable.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:40 AM  

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


this is uber important...the sizing system is jacked up, my son never wore size 1. we stocked up on 3-5, when you are going through 5-15 per day, it is literally like wiping your bum w/ $50 bills
 
2012-10-08 11:39:46 AM  
Get an abortion, because anyone who thinks of their little one as a 'crotchfruit' and calls other people who have children 'breeders' should not raise a child.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:51 AM  

indarwinsshadow: Get a breathing monitor for the little one (for the first year). SIDS will destroy your life.


And that. Seriously. WORTH the investment.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:52 AM  
We had twins 16 months ago. I have no idea what to tell you. I still haven't come to grips with this.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:06 AM  
Stop reading this thread now and do whatever you think is right.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:13 AM  
If the kid appears to be a little wiggle monster when changing a diaper use the floor, not the changing table. They can't fall off the floor.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:13 AM  
I don't have kids. But I'll tell you what I told my dad: "Ha ha, your precious parenting plan didn't count on me turning out to be a spiteful, vindictive, ungrateful asshole, did it, genius?"
 
2012-10-08 11:40:35 AM  

Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.


LGBT

/Fixed that for me
 
2012-10-08 11:40:40 AM  
Every child is different, never compare your child to others. Plus those parents who never have any issues and their kids are the greatest things in the world........are farking lying. If you have a legitimate concern talk to a health professional or you'll worry yourself to death.

It's equally tough as it is enjoyable at first, then you learn to go with the flow.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:55 AM  
don't
 
2012-10-08 11:41:07 AM  
Don't wear good shoes to the delivery.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:08 AM  
Ohhh I hate kids, but congrats! Having your first baby is totally exciting. Don't let us non breeders bully you too much!

/don't like kids- but don't dump on parents who do
 
2012-10-08 11:41:12 AM  
Ignore all of the advice you get in this thread and just do what works best for you and your family.

We said we would never co-sleep and baby #1 would only sleep when he was in our bed. When you are tired it doesn't matter.

/baby #2 sleeps in his crib without problems. And yes, we were able to get baby #1 out of out bed how else were we able to make baby #2.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:15 AM  

Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.


"Like To Buy Things"?
 
2012-10-08 11:41:20 AM  
Find out ahead of time what to say when she gives you the news.
Too late now.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:23 AM  
Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:50 AM  
Buy a shampoo vac. Trust me.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:55 AM  
It's never going to be the right day to quit sniffing glue.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:56 AM  
Drink often and early...

/3 under the age of 5....
//also forget all the "N" and "1" size cute stuff. Just a shiatton of cotton onesies
 
2012-10-08 11:41:56 AM  
He is one more for your wife. When the baby is big enough to where you can really start feeling the movement, a bag of frozen peas to the belly is a great way to get the baby to move. Mine had a habit of sitting on my bladder and playing bounce house. Also worked well when we had an ultrasound done and she was in a position that we couldn't tell the sex at first.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:57 AM  
4 weeks util our first is born. At this point I am just going to take it one day at a time.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:03 AM  
Tell your wife to get the #@(*&@#@# epidural.
Seriously.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:12 AM  
Bring 'em up strict, you can loosen up later when the youngling(s) are ready to take on more responsibility.

You're the grown up so you're the one in charge and that means that the world of the child is what you make of it. Sure, you'll have some contests of will (hopefully) but if you make sure you get through those times on top, you'll be happier for it later on. Trying to restrict an unruly teenager is hell, but if you've had strict rules that you were able to expand as the child matured, you'll find that things will go a lot easier and the teenager will enjoy more freedom but understand that it comes with a responsibility.

And please, PLEASE have time for your child! Parents are the most important people in the world for a child so make sure you live up to that!

The love of a child is a precious thing and I hope you and the missus enjoy it each and every day =)

/congrats!
 
2012-10-08 11:42:14 AM  

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.


Yep. Subby, there's a 20% chance of miscarriage before week 12. After that 5% of pregnancies still result in miscarriage.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:23 AM  
You won't bond with your child right away; it takes time. Your wife has a head start on you here because the baby is a physical reality to her long before he's a reality to you. When I first saw the top of my oldest child's head emerge, I thought "Holy shiat, there really was a baby in there." It's not as though we didn't have some warning, but there are stages of "realness" involved.

If this is your first child, you may resent your newborn - possibly a quite a bit - for months on end. If this is uncomfortable for you, relax: this is all normal. My oldest I didn't like each other much at all for the first four months or so. Today she's almost nine, and she's a jewel. We're close, and I can't imagine life without her.

/Same advice I give every expecting father
//Three kids and a vasectomy
 
2012-10-08 11:42:31 AM  
Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:51 AM  

taglius: Your job is to turn them into an adult, not to make them like you. They can like you in 20 years when they (hopefully) realize what you were doing.


THIS!

Also involves allowing them to make decisions. Start at around 2 with what shoes to wear and go from there.

I know FAR too many young "adults" who have NO idea how to make a decision.
 
2012-10-08 11:42:57 AM  

NowhereMon: Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility".


I second this.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:09 AM  
AW
 
2012-10-08 11:43:10 AM  

Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me


The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:25 AM  
Do not go out in public until your crotchfruit responds positively to voice commands.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:45 AM  

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


This.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:53 AM  
No matter how long it takes and how hungry you get, DO NOT walk into the labor room eating fried chicken. You'll get the "IF LOOKS COULD KILL" look.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:55 AM  

priapic_abandon: Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.


So talk about politics?
 
2012-10-08 11:43:55 AM  
you will spend the 1st 18 month wishing they could talk to you, and the next 18 years wishing they'd shut the hell up.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:55 AM  
Remember that nobody wants to see Facebook posts and pictures of ultrasound, fat belly, more ultrasound, nursery decorating, baby shower, more fat belly, hospital pictures, and Billy's First Everything experiences for the next 6 years until the little monster goes off to school. Enjoy those moments yourself, but don't be disillusioned into thinking anyone else gives a crap about your little snowflake.
 
2012-10-08 11:43:57 AM  
Calling Dr Ferber for sleep issues.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:03 AM  

gingerjet: Your friends will be happy and excited for you. But they have limits - don't speak about the kid every minute you are with them because eventually they will kill you.


The friends who don't have kids wont be your friends for long. That's not to say you will ditch them or they will ditch you. But you can't do the same stuff that you could before you had kids. You will drift apart.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:09 AM  
I'm going to reiterate what has already been said about the value of a swing. I also recommend a baby papa-san chair; one of my daughters slept better in that than she did in her crib.

And also, what Earpj said about it going by in the blink of an eye. My youngest turns 8 next weekend.

Take lots of pictures.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:11 AM  

naughtyrev: Get a paternity test.

 
2012-10-08 11:44:17 AM  
buy the best stroller you can, it is the one thing I spend the most money on
 
2012-10-08 11:44:21 AM  

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.

The only good diapers for newborns are pampers swaddlers, fyi. But yeah, what he said. Formula too if you're going that route.


Really? We loved the Kirkland ones. A box of 1-2 lasted a month, and are the right size for storing crap in later.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:26 AM  
Savor every moment you spend with your child, even the ones that seem not so fun right then. You have no idea how much time speeds up once you have children, and those moments will be gone almost faster than you can appreciate them.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:34 AM  
If you ever wanted to travel somewhere special with your wife, do it in the next few months before she gets travel restrictions, or else be prepared to wait 20 years.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:41 AM  
Everyone will give you tons of advice about sleeping, feeding, car seats, high chairs, TV or no, etc. Ignore it all and do what you think is right. You will screw up, that's okay, the kid will be fine despite you. And use the hell out of your wife's enforced designator driver status for the next nine months, because after that you'll be too busy to go out anymore.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:45 AM  
The pregnancy will go fine and the baby will be fine and, even if the pregnancy doesn't go fine, the baby will still probably be fine. So try to relax.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:46 AM  
Buy a diaper a size too big for night time.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:46 AM  

Big Ramifications: Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.


I've never had a problem with this. I kept an eye on this with my daughter, told her these are adult toys and she doesn't mess with it on most occasions.

Then again I'm about to have child #2 in 2 days which is a boy so who knows, everything I've learned goes out the window again.
 
2012-10-08 11:44:49 AM  
Just think of yourself as a Salmon and you'll do fine.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:32 AM  
Stouffer's Frozen Lasagna. Energy dense, easy to cook, tastes great at 3 a.m., not terribly unhealthy.

To take care of an infant, you have to take care of you some, too.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:39 AM  

Kuligula: NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.

All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.


Yeah, nobody tells you about the constant poop conversations. Size, color, consistency and so on.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:48 AM  

soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?


Pretentious gay intellectual douchbags attempting to build up their own egos by tearing down others. Seriously. Then it got adopted by ubur-enviromentalists who obsess about the "human plague" that infects the Earth.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:51 AM  
I will also go with SLEEP NOW!!

Also, get used to your living room looking like a tornado went through it 24/7. No matter how much you clean, it's never enough

I have a 3 year old boy (who was so good as a baby, quiet, happy) and a 9 month old girl....redheaded girl.....who is happy 85% of the time, but when she isn't happy.....

Well, lets just say I'm training the boy to perform exorcisms.

/I still love her of course, but she gets ANGRY
 
2012-10-08 11:45:52 AM  
Costco membership for you both to afford diapers
Get a babysitter as soon as your wife is willing and start going out on a regular basis, it's so easy to get so tied up in kids you forget who your married to.
Hire a cleaning service for the first couple of months to take the issue of housework out of the equation for you both to reduce arguements.
 
2012-10-08 11:45:57 AM  

Devo: Buy a diaper a size too big for night time.


And one for the kid, too.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:06 AM  
No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.

If you love your wife and you plan on ever having sex with her again, DONT DO IT!
 
2012-10-08 11:46:14 AM  
Buy one book and just read the second half of it. "Healthy sleep habits, happy child". Stick to the plan and you will be rewarded.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:20 AM  

Wilcutt: Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.

This.


Yes. The day I bought my last pack of diapers and the day I bought my last can of formula were GREAT days.

/That's stuff's expensive.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:27 AM  

Damili: When the baby is big enough to where you can really start feeling the movement, a bag of frozen peas to the belly is a great way to get the baby to move.


Eh, falcon punch works just as well.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:27 AM  
If their crying and fussing has driven you to the point where you're no longer able to handle it calmly, go in another room and crank the stereo or television for a few minutes and calm the fark down. A few more minutes of crying isn't going to hurt them so get your wits about you before you handle it.

I was told that before we had our first and thought it was kind of creepy, like I would never need it. Best advice ever.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:30 AM  
As your kid grows up, do your best to remind yourself that while you're an important person in their life you are NOT in control of who they turn out to be or how they behave. They are. You have a good amount of influence. So do their teachers, friends, school, community. And a good deal of it is simply who they are out of the womb. Do the best you can, but don't beat yourself up over your failures (and you will have failures) and don't worry about every little thing. If you're a good person and do your best, it'll all turn out fine.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:31 AM  

Earpj: Enjoy it.
It seems like it'll drag on forever, but it's gone in the blink of an eye.

/I have 5. Eldest is 21, youngest will be 11 tomorrow.


THIS! Enjoy the time, even the crappy times, take lots of photos/videos, and don't forget to add lots of love and hugs.

/Daughter turns 30 in Jan. Time flies too quickly.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:44 AM  
Enjoy your free time while you still have some. If you like restaurants, go. It'll be order in from here on out. If you like going to movies, go. It'll be PVR and on-demand.

All unless your parents live nearby. Then you're gold.
 
2012-10-08 11:46:48 AM  

nacho_nacho_man: Remember that nobody wants to see Facebook posts and pictures of ultrasound, fat belly, more ultrasound, nursery decorating, baby shower, more fat belly, hospital pictures, and Billy's First Everything experiences for the next 6 years until the little monster goes off to school. Enjoy those moments yourself, but don't be disillusioned into thinking anyone else gives a crap about your little snowflake.


The is probably the best advice yet. The occasional picture of Facebook? No problem. The truth of the matter is that no one really gives a crap about your children.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:01 AM  
Never ever come home from work, look at your (finally) sleeping newborn, and say to your wife who was up all night, hasn't showered in days, and has been dealing with copious poop, engorged, leaky breasts, horrormones, and a fussy baby all day, "Wow. I can not believe how much my life has changed."

She will attempt to kill you.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:08 AM  
Btw, for babies with reflux issues, point them away from you and furniture when burping. And have hardwood floors.

It looks like a lot comes out but they do manage to grow.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:13 AM  

Full Blown Jimbo: Kuligula: NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.

All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.

Yeah, nobody tells you about the constant poop conversations. Size, color, consistency and so on.


As much as I loved Irish mustard before ours, it loses the charm after having something looking exactly like that flying at you from a small anus.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:16 AM  
Start a "take-out food" fund NOW. Because those first few weeks where you are struggling to get into the swing of things with the newborn, you are and your wife are going to be too tired to cook. It will be bowls of cold cereal over the sink and PB&Js for a while. So, having a "take-out food" fund will guarantee you into having at least one good meal a day or every other day.

Enjoy the moments of having the little one asleep in your arms or against your chest, with his/her face snuggled against your neck. You will never ever have someone trust you that completely in your life ever again. (Unless you have another child.) It is one of the best feelings in the world. Relish it. You will miss it once the baby grows into a kid a no long does it.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:23 AM  

nodubs: Really? We loved the Kirkland ones. A box of 1-2 lasted a month, and are the right size for storing crap in later.


You're not supposed to store the poop in a diaper. You should throw it away.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:46 AM  
Just so you have a visual and are not surprised, my husband described her head coming out to a, "Wet Saint Bernard trying to come through a cat door".
 
2012-10-08 11:47:54 AM  
The diameter of an unpopped kernel of popcorn is approximately 0.5 mm larger than the diameter of the ear canal of a typical 4 year old male.
 
2012-10-08 11:47:55 AM  
Start saving for their education now.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:00 AM  
You are not number one anymore. You are now merely a vehicle to get the kid to the grandparents' house so that they may dote over him/her. They will barely know that you are there anymore.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:22 AM  
They grow up fast, but the first 6 months seems like it takes forever. Also be prepared to be peed on.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:25 AM  
Don't have another one until you can afford it.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:33 AM  
It is HER labor story. Not yours. Do not tell it.

Hers.

Not yours.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:35 AM  
Enjoy every single moment, every new facial expression, new sound and every milestone. They grow up FAST. Oh, and take a lot of pictures.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:44 AM  

Just Another OC Homeless Guy: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

Pretentious gay intellectual douchbags attempting to build up their own egos by tearing down others. Seriously.


You're about 270 years late there. Seriously.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:48 AM  
Also, enjoy the next few months, because usually by the seventh month your wife will have turned into a hormonal, insane hosebeast with whom there will be no reasoning.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:54 AM  
If you child has flailing limbs of death that defy even the strongest of swaddles and results in frequent wake-ups, securing said child with velcro will not work and will only result in your partner recounting this story over and over to everyone imaginable.
 
2012-10-08 11:48:55 AM  
Get ready for the best/worst ride of your life. Also, learn to count to 10 before letting too much piss you off. It goes fast, hug your babies every chance you get. (Daughter 25, Son 30) Oh, and Baby Powder with Corn Starch is freakin' magical!
 
2012-10-08 11:49:01 AM  

Devo: Buy a diaper a size too big for night time.


If your baby wets through while sleeping, you can buy these things called "diaper doublers" that are like a maxi-pad that you put in the diaper to soak up more liquid.

It's much better than a crying baby wearing cold, urine-soaked jammies.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:12 AM  
Write stuff down. Even if it's just a Word document where you ocassionally open it up and write a blurb about something interesting or funny the kid did, write it down.

My son turned two this June and my daughter turns one on Halloween. The last year has been a blur and there's so much I can't remember.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:23 AM  
Honestly, all the lost sleep, everything was worth it to have a child that I could be a father too.

I recommend you have more than one kid as an only child can get lonely without siblings. Yeah, they'll fight as brothers and sisters do. But they'll still love one another and have each other.

When you bring the baby home, the baby will cry and you'll have no idea what's the matter. Simple, change the baby or feed the baby. So, check the diaper first. Then try the bottle and/or boob. It's that simple for the first days. You'll catch on what more they'll need as you both grow together.

Oh, all those birth films end with the beautiful baby in the parents' arms. If you plan to be there at the birth, the fun doesn't end after the baby pops out and is cleaned up by the nurses. Here comes the AFTERBIRTH next. Man, that's some weird looking stuff coming out of your wife.
 
2012-10-08 11:49:41 AM  
Don't let the hospital give your wife pitocin unless it's absolutely necessary. It speeds up birth so that you have the baby on their schedule. Unfortunately, it also depresses respiration. So now they need to do a C section... More money for them, major surgery for her.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:03 AM  
You're going to have some dark dark thoughts, but it's ok. Sleeping 2 hours a night and the crying will get to anyone. Just relax.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:04 AM  
It is ancient and royal advice handed down from the deep, storied days of Britain's past...

calitreview.com

/also, buy wipes by the pallet. you're going to be wiping piss and poop off of everything in the house
 
2012-10-08 11:50:10 AM  
The people at the hospital can be assholes. Don't let you push them around. Example - I was having huge problems getting my baby to latch on, she finally started to, and a nurse swooped in and took her away because it was time for the pediatrician to look at all of the babies. I was alone and too whacked out to fight back. Asshole.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:13 AM  
Doesn't matter where your kid sleeps (safely) as long as it sleeps. Carseat. Swing. Doesn't matter. Mom and dad need sleep too.

In general, just do whatever works for you. It'll be okay. Oh yeah, and pictures.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:23 AM  
Always remember that you are their parent, not their friend. When they become a well-adjusted adult thanks to your guidance, THEN you can have your friend.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:25 AM  

Theaetetus: Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me

The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.


Fair enough, but just remember your genes die with you.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:27 AM  
Most people who dislike kids are actually haters of bad parenting. Always remember you are a parent and not a friend or buddy. Your goal is to create an adult. I generally dislike kids myself, but I was that way when I was a kid as well.

Do not overlook necessary "kid time" but balance that with beneficial life lessons. I've never dealt with a temper tantrum in a store, restaurant, etc. because its simply unacceptable. You have to remember that you are the sun, moon and stars to your children and that comes with a great deal of personal responsibility.

All of the comments like "you are never prepared" or "hide your stuff" are only from those who were not up to the challenge.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:40 AM  

mekki: Start a "take-out food" fund NOW. Because those first few weeks where you are struggling to get into the swing of things with the newborn, you are and your wife are going to be too tired to cook. It will be bowls of cold cereal over the sink and PB&Js for a while. So, having a "take-out food" fund will guarantee you into having at least one good meal a day or every other day.

Enjoy the moments of having the little one asleep in your arms or against your chest, with his/her face snuggled against your neck. You will never ever have someone trust you that completely in your life ever again. (Unless you have another child.) It is one of the best feelings in the world. Relish it. You will miss it once the baby grows into a kid a no long does it.

This - a hundred times over. It never gets old.

 
2012-10-08 11:50:46 AM  

Heraclitus: No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.


OH, I got trickfarked on that one...doctor said "your son is crowning, do you want to see your son being born?" stupidly i looked...there is no amount of eye bleach that will disassociate that mental image from her hooha
 
2012-10-08 11:50:51 AM  
Don't bother reading pregnancy books -- they're all pretty much the same thing: "This might happen, it might not happen, or the opposite of this might happen." It's a scam. Learn to love garage sales. Load up on sleep -- you'll need it.

Raising is kid is far far more important than anything else you'll ever do, so prioritize it correctly. It's OK to not be able to afford things if you're spending time with your family. You can buy stuff again in 18+ years.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:53 AM  
I'd like to reiterate the advice that has popped up a few times in the thread, because this item is often overlooked, but can have great interpersonal benefits when exercised liberally:

Don't talk about your kids all the time. Sure, it's a great experience and because it is life-changing, it will consume your consciousness such that it will always be your first topic for conversation.

Nobody else will really, truly care.

To paraphrase Carlin, we don't care about your kids... that's why they're your kids! You get to care about them for the rest of us. That's about it =)

Congrats, buddy! I'm happy for you and your partner. Enjoy it.
 
2012-10-08 11:50:59 AM  
Have your wife ask for diapers, only, for her baby shower. You'll use every single one of them, and they can be in any size. They are going to be your biggest expense, and there is a certain amount of peace having to not run out and get them.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:08 AM  

Fail in Human Form: Theaetetus: Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me

The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.

Fair enough, but just remember your genes die with you.


Yeah, but so do I, so why would I care? ;)
 
2012-10-08 11:51:13 AM  

Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.


I like that idea.

tricycleracer: Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.

Sage advice.


Indeed.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:15 AM  
Cancel your plans and lower your standards.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:22 AM  
Here is a tid bit, once they are mobile, a baby can move twice as fast and has arms that are twice as long as you remembered. They will get into EVERYTHING!
 
2012-10-08 11:51:27 AM  
-Sleep as much as possible now, while you can still enjoy it.
-Start saving every dime you can and stop living like you're single. You're going to need it.
-Throw away pretty much every "So you're a new parent!" book. They're all garbage, except for the one about infant and pediatric emergency health. That one's gold.
-Diaper Genie. Yeah, it's expensive. Do it anyway. I cannot stress this enough.
-Speaking of diapers, buy a pile of cloth diapers. They suck as diapers, but they are abso-frigging-lutely fantastic at cleaning up spills, using as burp rags, etc. They're exactly the right size and can be easily washed. Since they're white, you can toss some bleach in the wash water without worrying about the color.
-In the hospital, the instant the child is born, you (as the father), become a fourth-class citizen. You're there, but you'll be treated like a ghost. Bring a DS or something to play with.
-The VCR is not a sandwich docking station yet, but it will be. If you have anything of value, stop valuing it.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:35 AM  
When all else fails, get buble stuff and blow bubbles at fussy babby. He (she) will often stop screaming to watch them.

Be careful not to get soap bubbles in babby's eyes, or the screaming will resume.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:49 AM  

Mr.Insightful: Tell your wife to get the #@(*&@#@# epidural.
Seriously.


My wife went with the epidural the first time. It gave her massive migrane (spinal tap headache) and she had trouble sitting up to nurse for a couple of days.

The second one she didn't get the epidural. She said it was more painful but she said it was better then the damn headache.
 
2012-10-08 11:51:54 AM  
A&D is a miracle. Best diaper rash/dry skin stuff I've ever used.

The white stuff usually has to be wiped off, which really hurts sore little bottoms. A&D soaks in.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:06 AM  
Oh, and if people glare at you in public, ignore the bastards. A lot of being around young kids involves damage control, and most people in public setting (especially workers) would rather deal with a little mess than a crying child.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:10 AM  
Don't buy a bunch of baby products you don't need. For your fist kid you buy one of everything at the local Babies R Us and find out half of it is junk, and half of what's left you never use. Then if you have a second kid you realize what a dolt you were for falling for all the marketing scams.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:11 AM  
If for some reason they have to induce labor, take the epidural. You can't do any of that fancy stuff they teach you in childbirth class to make things easier without drugs.

Read about child development but DO NOT freak out if your kid is ahead/behind/on time. Kids are all different.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:12 AM  
Your relationship with your wife will change...not overnight, but parenthood is a life-altering thing and you both will change. Do what you can to change in the same direction. It's hard to describe but you'll see what I mean eventually. Congratulations, by the way.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:21 AM  

soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?


I know it's splitting hairs, but barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is capable of being a breeder. Those that actually procreate have bred. They are the breeders.

The rest of us are just capable =)
 
2012-10-08 11:52:22 AM  
Suggest two kids so they develop social skills.

Suggest public school so that they grow up around kids from different backgrounds don't become tea party Nazi's in adulthood.

Make homework and grades their highest priority till they head off to college.

You're not going to get any sleep for four years.

The next eighteen years are going to blow by in about fifteen seconds.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:23 AM  

kregh99: You are not number one anymore. You are now merely a vehicle to get the kid to the grandparents' house so that they may dote over him/her. They will barely know that you are there anymore.


The plus side is you can safely nap in the recliner for 3 solid hours while Grandma gets her grandchild fix, this comes in very handy.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:25 AM  
Don't get a hot au pair.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:28 AM  
Love your child. That being said, don't forget your relationship with your wife. We put all our energies into being good parents and providers and forgot to nurture our relationship. Looks like we are headed for divorce.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:45 AM  
It will be harder than you imagine now.

You will cope much better than you thought possible, so much so that you will enjoy it more than you could have imagined.

Your wife will become the least rational person you have ever dealt with. Be patient and have respect for the increadible things her body is doing.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:54 AM  

Big Ramifications: Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.


Haven't had that problem with either one, knock wood, but if you wear glasses get the frames that can be bent without hurting them. I did, my wife didn't, hers got bent beyond repair.

Also, keep one or more of your old cellular phones when you get new ones. After awhile mine didn't want to play with those fake toy ones anymore; they wanted to play with the real thing. Once you get your phone number removed, they can play with the old ones to their heart's content.
 
2012-10-08 11:52:55 AM  
You guys go ahead and perpetuate the species. I'm scared to death of being legally responsible for the health and well-being of another human. I mean, I don't even own plants.
 
2012-10-08 11:53:03 AM  
Some good advice up above. I'll add a couple more regarding discipline:

1. Never lose your composure in front of your kid.
2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is no worse disciplinary measure than the idle threat.
3. Show respect for others at all times, so you have the moral authority to expect respect from them later on.

and

However much money you are saving, it isn't enough for college. Save more, starting now.
 
2012-10-08 11:53:10 AM  

naughtyrev: Get a paternity test.


Done in 4.
 
2012-10-08 11:53:11 AM  
Here is the advice I give to every new father at work (Whether they want it or not)

1) You must be watchful for postpartum depression and take action immediately if you think she has it. It will destroy your relationship or worse.
2) When you aren't training the kid, they are training you. You are their parent not their buddy.
3) Communicate! After months of trying, the trying well is either going to overflow or dry up completely. The overflow will only last until the last month, the dry up could be YEARS. Learn to communicate your needs now so you can come up with new ways of meeting your needs with her being on the PUP list.

/Had to use the "I'm not from Havana, baby" line once during the first pregnancy, didn't know how to communicate during the second and the relationship almost burned.
//During the actual birth, just get through one hour at a time.
///Physically Unable to Perform
 
2012-10-08 11:53:16 AM  
Take my advice: None of the advice you are given, solicited or unsolicited, will apply to your own situation.
 
2012-10-08 11:53:23 AM  
If your wife plans on breastfeeding, she will spend a lot of time topless, which will not be as cool as you imagine it will be.
 
2012-10-08 11:53:27 AM  
Don't overthink the pregnancy, the actual birth, or the child raising. As my wife says, don't borrow trouble. Don't start analyzing minute details, e.g., -- "should I have probiotics and play Mozart to the womb?" Just be normal.
 
2012-10-08 11:53:47 AM  
First, if you don't have a four-door car, you have a few months to save up and get one. Seriously. My wife and I had a two-door hatchback when we had our first. He's almost three now, and we just upgraded to a four-door crossover/SUV type a month ago. It's a damn lifesaver. Especially if you keep them rear-facing for a while; we had to crawl into the backseat of our tiny car to buckle him in. It made car trips of any kind extremely undesirable.

Second, go ahead and start discussing sleep schedules and night feedings now. We screwed ours up pretty bad with our first, and let me tell you, any disagreement or argument is ten times worse when coupled with sleep deprivation. Here's our plan for our second: Mom takes last feeding of the evening, around 9 or so. Goes to bed immediately afterward. Dad takes next feeding, around 12. Goes to bed. Mom wakes up for next feeding at three. Dad gets up at 6. This way, everyone gets around 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep, which, for new parents, is an eternity. (This works for nursing as well. Your wife just has to pump at least once throughout the day so you have a bottle for the midnight feeding.)
 
2012-10-08 11:54:12 AM  
Three pieces:
1) Get any/all purchases that are JUST for you and the mom out of the way. You won't have money for that ATV/jetski/awesome stereo/etc once the baby's born
2) Don't take anybody's unsolicited advice, outside of the pediatrician. Everybody on earth will start giving you advice that in many cases is 100% wrong or contrary to your own beliefs. Even strangers on the street will start telling you you're doing things wrong, or could be doing things better, etc. Ignore them. If your Dr says you can do it, and you feel ok with it, do it that way.
3) Make up your minds about breastfeeding NOW, and stick to your guns about it. My wife was made to feel completely inferior about her decision to pump and bottlefeed our kids, when she was actually forced to (tiny babies and huge boobies don't work together).

#2 and #3 are more for the mother's sanity than anything else...and trust me when I say, that first year, the mother's brain is going to be really friggin nuts. Do the most you can to minimize the insanity.
 
2012-10-08 11:54:18 AM  
Keep your babby's long form birth certificate in a very safe place.
 
2012-10-08 11:54:30 AM  

Honest Bender: Don't let the hospital give your wife pitocin unless it's absolutely necessary. It speeds up birth so that you have the baby on their schedule. Unfortunately, it also depresses respiration. So now they need to do a C section... More money for them, major surgery for her.


I had pitocin with my last 4. High blood pressure. Get 'em out now situations. Actually helped me avoid a repeat section. My 1st was my only c-section, and she was a natural labor.
Not everyone reacts the same way to drugs.

Pick a doctor you trust.
 
2012-10-08 11:54:31 AM  

marcre3363: Write stuff down. Even if it's just a Word document where you ocassionally open it up and write a blurb about something interesting or funny the kid did, write it down.

My son turned two this June and my daughter turns one on Halloween. The last year has been a blur and there's so much I can't remember.


Oh, my God. I can relate to how special it is to find something your parent wrote about you while you were a baby. My mom died in December, 2010, and in cleaning out her house after my dad died last year, I found a steno book with her handwriting in it. I was intrigued to find grocery lists, notes, and things like that. Then I noticed a half-written letter to a relative where she describes my latest achievements/annoyances when I was about 10 months old. To sit and read about myself through her eyes was very, very touching. I kept that steno pad and will place it in my safety deposit box so nothing happens to it.
 
2012-10-08 11:54:46 AM  
t1.gstatic.com
 
2012-10-08 11:54:59 AM  
Relax and enjoy raising kids. Don't fight it and think you're going to be that ONE couple who remains young, hip, available for all your squirrely outings with friends, and never bickers.

You'll age and become overprotective of your kids.
You'll no longer be as hip as you think you are right now.
You need to accept you'll see your friends a lot less than you do now.
You WILL bicker. If you have a hatred of divorce you'll be fine. If you think it's an option for when the times get rough, just divorce now and get it overwith.


/Raising kids is stressful, tiring, and the most fun you'll ever have.
 
2012-10-08 11:55:19 AM  
I agree with a lot of the advice so far. Not sure about the spearfishing stuff, but whatever.

Take a childbirthing class, and remember that everyone's experience is different. Amazing that with all the babies born in the world, you will never meet anyone whose birth is exactly like yours (unless it's a C-section).

I know someone said wait to announce due to the risk of miscarriage, but announcing early also allows you the necessary support if something tragic happens during the pregnancy. Tough call, your call.

Cloth diapers are a joke. God invented disposables for a reason. Use them.

Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Stick with breastfeeding if you can. The first few weeks can be torturously painful and emotionally upsetting (if the baby doesn't latch or if the milk supply isn't adequate), but it's the best possible start you can give your baby.

Rock him. Burp him. Use skin-to-skin contact as often as possible so the baby bonds with you and your wife.

Blow people off when they say, "Oh, wait until he's 5 months/2 years/a teenager." Enjoy every moment right then, because the moments are fleeting and they will move by quicker than you can imagine.

Take lots of pictures. My niece has documented the growth of her babies by putting them on the same spot on the couch each month and making a sign that says, "I'm 1 month today/2 months today," etc. It's a great way to get perspective on the growth of your little one.

Trust your instincts. You'll need them to make the best possible decisions. If your baby seems ready for solids at five months, fark it. Give the baby solids at five months. You know your child better than anyone.

Strangers may come up and want to pat your wife's belly, and people will suddenly think it's okay to ask obscenely personal questions. Everyone loves a pregnant woman. Take pride and comfort in the way they celebrate your pregnancy, and be as tolerant as you can when the questions start coming. Most people don't mean to offend--they just don't know how to work the filter that runs between their brain and their mouth.

Come up with nicknames, have fun and give your heart over to your new addition without reservation. It will be the most intense love you have ever felt.

Remember all the reasons that your parents were awesome, and do those things. Remember all the reasons that your parents sucked ass, and don't do those things. Emulate every good parenting practice you've seen, and write things down in a journal so you'll remember what works and what doesn't.

Chart milestones. You'll forget much more than you'll remember.

Keep plastic bags and baby wipes in every vehicle.

Don't go crazy buying 0-3 month outfits. Babies outgrow them seemingly overnight. Invest in some good onesies and pj's.

Enjoy every moment, and God bless. I hope all your dreams come true, sincerely.
 
2012-10-08 11:55:25 AM  
I echo all the sincere advice above. My little addition is this:

BOSE Noise Cancelling Headphones

They are a lifesaver. You can still hear the baby screaming its little head off, but it's not nearly as annoying.

/I have a 21-month-old son and a 3-month-old son
 
2012-10-08 11:55:40 AM  
Don't get rip-roaringly drunk in front of your kid... Save that shiat for Vegas or somewhere your kid won't be.
 
2012-10-08 11:55:40 AM  
First and foremost, relax. Both you and your wife, by virtue of your existence in the first place, come from a long and unbroken line of ancestors who were able to successfully procreate and also to produce children who successfully procreated, and so on and so on. So, the ability to have and raise children is what you have both been bred to do, if looked at from that perspective.

Second, get ready for the world to instantly become a different place. We here on FARK like to joke and say 'Think of the children!", but now you will lose 20%-40% of your brainpower doing exactly that, all the time. From now until they are established and independent (and even then, to a certain degree), you will begin to assess all aspects of the world from the perspective of how they can benefit/harm your child, and take steps to maximize the benefits while reducing the harm.

Third, there is no greater emotion than the love you feel for you children, and no greater joy than the love you get from them.

Get ready for an exhilarating, painful, funny, sad, joyful, frustrating, wild ride...
 
2012-10-08 11:56:22 AM  
 
2012-10-08 11:56:28 AM  

officespacejk: Heraclitus: No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.


OH, I got trickfarked on that one...doctor said "your son is crowning, do you want to see your son being born?" stupidly i looked...there is no amount of eye bleach that will disassociate that mental image from her hooha



I guess that is one plus of my daughter not wanting to turn around, C-sections don't leave that much of a scar.
 
2012-10-08 11:56:42 AM  
Don't panic.

The number one best thing I can tell you, the secret. Mylanta. Not for you, but for your kid. Mylanta = no diaper rash. (Rash is caused by acid in the feces. Mylanta kills the acid. No acid, no rash.)

Kids are disgusting. You go from hygienic to biological warfare, zero-to-sixty. It gets better over time. But you will instantly need to get past having pee, poo, vomit, snot, blood and other unknown substances just everywhere on you.

Take any and all time you can get from work in the first three months after the birth.

Take all help offered. If someone says, "If there's anything I can do..." Stop them, and say, "YES. Please come over on Xday and cook dinner for us. Or vacuum the house. Or clean the bathroom for us. We truly appreciate the help! Thank you!" Don't let them off the hook.

Most of the fancy gadgety shiate in the stores are useless. You need a cloth diapers, they make great burp-rags, impromptu changing pads, general usage baby-cloths. All diaper sizes. Ziplocks. Wet-wipes. Spare formula. This is what *you* keep, Daddy. In your car, at the office, everywhere. You want your own baby-emergency pack.

Lastly, figure out what changes in your life you want to make so that you are a good example for your kid. Remember, they will not do what you say, they will do what you do.
 
2012-10-08 11:57:06 AM  
This is just reminding me of my wife's impending c-section in two days for kid #2. Ugh. I can't believe this thread showed up today of all days.
 
2012-10-08 11:57:15 AM  
Also - remember that this take a toll on your wife. She's going to have all sorts of problems, and all you get to do as a husband is watch and maybe rub her feet/back. So she may go a little cookoo, just roll with it. Especially after the birth. Not saying that she will, just be ready
 
2012-10-08 11:57:16 AM  
Get used to the smell of baby poop and sour milk.
 
2012-10-08 11:57:28 AM  
You. Poor. Bastard.
 
2012-10-08 11:57:30 AM  
Guys:
Take the family leave. You can take up to 6 weeks off for childbirth, take all of it. Volunteer to do everything you can. Your wife needs you more now than she ever thought possible. Failing to suit up and show up at this time can still being a burning resentment when they go to college.

Women:
Get your partner some sex. If you aren't up for it, have a friend blow him a few times a week. It is really easy to lose track of your husband in all the hubbub and the lack of sex is similar to having stoney silence, despite the circumstances.

If breast feeding, pump and let your partner get up and feed the kid in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is a biatch. BTW, breast feeding isn't the be all and end of your kids development (yes, I am a nurse). If it doesn't work for you, tell the rabid titfans to pound sand.

Money:
Budget for luxuries even if they are small. Kids are a long haul and if you aren't having fun, you won't stay married.
 
Kiz
2012-10-08 11:57:40 AM  
Sleep whenever the kid sleeps.

Amazon Mom delivers diapers on a regular schedule.

Buy wipes and diapers in bulk.

Buy the next size of diaper too, so you already have some.

They will outgrow everything rapidly.

Let them sleep in a crib unless you want to co sleep for years to come.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:21 AM  

WalMartian: marcre3363: Write stuff down. Even if it's just a Word document where you ocassionally open it up and write a blurb about something interesting or funny the kid did, write it down.

My son turned two this June and my daughter turns one on Halloween. The last year has been a blur and there's so much I can't remember.

Oh, my God. I can relate to how special it is to find something your parent wrote about you while you were a baby. My mom died in December, 2010, and in cleaning out her house after my dad died last year, I found a steno book with her handwriting in it. I was intrigued to find grocery lists, notes, and things like that. Then I noticed a half-written letter to a relative where she describes my latest achievements/annoyances when I was about 10 months old. To sit and read about myself through her eyes was very, very touching. I kept that steno pad and will place it in my safety deposit box so nothing happens to it.


When cleaning out after my mom died, we found an old cassette of her singing songs with my older brother. You can hear me, a baby, cooing and babbling.

***SOB!!!***

That was so neat to find.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:23 AM  
1. Some hospitals allow the father to sleep in the same room as the mother as she recovers from birth. DON'T!!!!! Go home, get some sleep, let your wife sleep.

2. The baby can sleep in your wife's room or in the nursery. Go with nursery. You see the baby when it's awake and need feed and you will have time to recover while it's being taken care of.

3. It's going to kind of suck for the first 6 months. The baby eats, poops and cries. The personality really comes out after 6 months.

4. Watch the documentary "Babies." It's from National Geographic and is available on Netflix. Lots of insight into early behavior.

5. Changing a diaper is easy. Start early.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:30 AM  
Make sure you have good life insurance and a will. Not the most exciting or happy subject, I know.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:52 AM  

mekki: Enjoy the moments of having the little one asleep in your arms or against your chest, with his/her face snuggled against your neck. You will never ever have someone trust you that completely in your life ever again. (Unless you have another child.) It is one of the best feelings in the world. Relish it. You will miss it once the baby grows into a kid a no long does it.


This, times eleventy brazillian.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:53 AM  
Run out to buy cigarettes and never come back before the kid remembers who you are.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:53 AM  
imgs.xkcd.com
"On one hand, every single one of my ancestors going back billions of years has managed to figure it out. On the other hand, that's the mother of all sampling biases."

imgs.xkcd.com
Kids are genetic experiments. We're just experimenting responsibly! 


I'm sure there are others....these just popped into mind.
 
2012-10-08 11:58:54 AM  
Get testing. Get all kinds of testing.

If you are religious, you say, "well, we're not going to abort the baby, so what's the point?"

Get testing.

My daughter was found to have a potentially fatal problem at 22 weeks in-utero. She had 2 surgeries before she was a week old. She is now a thriving 2.5 year old who loves R2-D2 and Minnie Mouse.

Even if there's a problem that can't be fixed like trisomy, get testing. It will let you and your family be better prepared when the baby arrives.

When the baby does arrive, please, ask or DEMAND for a pulse oximetry (pulse ox) test. It's a relatively simple, quick, non-invasive test that can be an excellent indicator if the baby has cardiac issues that may be unseen. New Jersey made it into law last year and it's already saved a couple of kids' lives.

I love my daughter and I enjoy every day I see her discover something new. Watching her clap her hands watching a sporting event with me. Hearing her cheer watching the Medal Cermony in A New Hope. Having her ask her mother to see Cars for the 200th time. I can't imagine how it would have been if the doctors at CHOP didn't save her life.

I don't give a lot of parenting advice because my experience was so different. That's all I can offer.
 
2012-10-08 11:59:04 AM  
If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?
 
2012-10-08 11:59:20 AM  
Realize that your life is now over, and you exist purely to care for the mother and child. During the pregnancy, you are nothing more than a heavy-lifter and a gopher. Once the child is born, you are a paycheck and a cleaning service. The mother will eventually realize that she needs to go back to work to pay the bills, but only if you are lucky. Sex will not exist except when she wants to have the next one, and there will be a next one.
 
2012-10-08 11:59:23 AM  
I bonded with our first right away. I'm sure it was imagination, but I felt a psychic bond with her long before she was born. I had long conversations with her in my mind when she was just a fetus. From day 1 of the pregnancy, I knew it was going to be a girl (and, of course, you've got a 50-50 chance at that, so it's not exactly voodoo).

When she was born, she was awake for a long time. My wife went to sleep, and my little girl stayed wide awake. I held her & stared into her little eyes until she finally slept.

The eyes. I guess that's the memory. The concept of a little life, I understood. When she came out, aware as she was of her little universe, that's what struck me. Her own universe, her own eyes, her own consciousness. You can think about a little person in theory, but her newborn awareness of the world was what made her intensely real as a little person & not just a lump of cells.
 
2012-10-08 11:59:45 AM  
Stock up on sleep now, you'll miss it for the next few years. *yawn*
 
2012-10-08 12:00:17 PM  
Sell your bed. There really isn't any point, as you won't get to use it anymore.
 
2012-10-08 12:00:19 PM  

TrixieDelite:

Cloth diapers are a joke. God invented disposables for a reason. Use them.


They suck as diapers, but they make great burp rags. I always kept a pile near the changing table for burpies and general cleanup. They actually absorb....eh..."spills"... rather than just smear them around. And they're super easy to launder.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I occasionally used them as hazmat face masks.
 
2012-10-08 12:00:27 PM  
Speaking of Breeders, I really like this song (Canonball).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AsId-qVIb4

Oh, and congrats dude!
 
2012-10-08 12:00:43 PM  

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


I wouldn't go crazy on stocking up diapers now. After newborn sizes (PAMPERS SWADDLERS!) try out several brands of diapers to see what fit your child the best. Our kids leaked like crazy in some brands and did great in others.

Also, your child will grow out of size 1 and 2 diapers really quickly so if you do stock up now, don't stock up on too many of those, size 3 and 4 diapers take longer, but is still feels like the blink of an eye.
 
2012-10-08 12:00:52 PM  

Fuggin Bizzy: You won't bond with your child right away; it takes time.


Too right. About three seconds or so, and that was because I was blinking away tears for the first two.
 
2012-10-08 12:01:07 PM  
Don't call your significant other "Baby Mama"
 
2012-10-08 12:01:08 PM  

gmacbeth:
2. The baby can sleep in your wife's room or in the nursery. Go with nursery. You see the baby when it's awake and need feed and you will have time to recover while it's being taken care of.


Some hospitals don't have nurseries anymore.
I was too psyched to sleep much when in the hospital. I snoozed when the baby slept. When I was home, and the exhaustion set in, my husband was there to care for the kids.
 
2012-10-08 12:01:17 PM  
You do NOT need the $400 high end stroller, or the leather trimmed Eddie Bauer car seat. Pretty much any one will do.
 
2012-10-08 12:01:19 PM  
Sadly there is no amount of advice that will help you. I read everything I could, listened to my friends with kids, paid rapt attention to my parents and in laws, and did everything I could to feel like I was prepared.

The first time I changed him, took off his diaper, and he started peeing in his face, I still freaked out and wanted to take him to the emergency room. Being a parent isn't something you can learn from a book or on Fark...definitely not on Fark.

/he's 4 now, and now I'm trying to get him to not pee on the seat or the floor
//congrats Subby, enjoy it!
 
2012-10-08 12:01:31 PM  
The Happiest Baby on the Block - Dr. Karp buy that book and read it or get the DVD.

Best advise ever on soothing a fussy baby for the first three months of their life.
 
2012-10-08 12:01:43 PM  
Don't coddle your kids, they learn more from failure than success.

Your kid is a part of the family, not the center of it

Your parenting doesn't have as much to do with how your kids turn out as you think it does. Don't overthink it.

Diaper genie. It works.
 
2012-10-08 12:01:47 PM  
I was never told that babies have strange breathing patterns. Apparently it is normal that while sleeping they will sometimes go several (10-12) seconds between breaths. This will scare the crap out of you.

Get the breathing monitor. This was the best money I ever spent. Knowing the breathing monitor was on was the only way I was able to get what little sleep was available. It will go off several times because the kid has moved to the edge of the crib but a false alarm is better than not knowing if something is wrong.
 
2012-10-08 12:01:52 PM  
Learn when you need to ask for help/advice.

/Hint: Now is not that time.
//Oh, and sunscreen.
 
2012-10-08 12:02:11 PM  
Invest in copious amounts of Vodak, Xanax and Weed.
 
2012-10-08 12:02:16 PM  

Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?


This is really not an issue. Use plenty of wipes. At least 3 wipes for a poop, no matter what poop. Keep wiping until there is no brown/black/green/yellow, then wipe one more time.
 
2012-10-08 12:02:23 PM  

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: indarwinsshadow: Get a breathing monitor for the little one (for the first year). SIDS will destroy your life.

And that. Seriously. WORTH the investment.


This is a good example of why you shouldn't solicit advice from the internet. With the right type of bedding (firm and taut), no smoking in the house, and nothing but baby and pajamas/swaddle/pacifier (if desired) in the crib, SIDS is basically not going to happen. But the apnea monitors will go off... over and over and over and over and over again, denying you precious sleep while doing nothing to rouse the very-alive, very-much-still-breathing baby. False alarm city.

I've used the home version and ran across the house more times than I care to admit on innumerable false alarms. I've sat in a hospital room with the hospital-grade apnea monitor false alarming every 5-20 minutes, never causing any change in baby's breathing, just in mine. False alarm city.

Sincere advice: make your own baby food. Almost all the jar stuff is disgusting and very expensive. Nuke or bake a sweet potato until soft, mush it up, and you've got 10 or more meals for baby. Freeze the extra in ice cube trays for single-serve portions.

Oh, and get on the day care wait list NOW. Find one where the women are holding the babies every time you look in the infant room. That's all they can do is cuddle and fuss or alternatively ignore them. Pick the cuddling one.
 
2012-10-08 12:02:36 PM  
Subby here - first green!

This thread is about what I expected. Thanks to all providing real, thoughtful advice. We've been trying for a while, and I've read a number of "the books" so far, and I've always felt that asking real people for real advice is more useful. My "what's one piece of advice" question has come in very handy at new jobs, new schools, vacation locations, or when setting out on a new hobby or project; I find it's usually the most practical.

I'm very excited, despite all of the "how can you bring a child into this terrible world" BS.

bdub77: Get an abortion, because anyone who thinks of their little one as a 'crotchfruit' and calls other people who have children 'breeders' should not raise a child.


Had to pander to FARK to get the green.

taglius: Your job is to turn them into an adult, not to make them like you. They can like you in 20 years when they (hopefully) realize what you were doing.


I am going to try, it's always been my theoretical plan.

WelldeadLink: Find out ahead of time what to say when she gives you the news.
Too late now.


She woke me up to tell me. I'm pretty sure I said "What?" followed by "Are you sure?" She says that when she told me, I got this huge smile, and that's all she really wanted.


Vertdang: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.

This too


We're planning on telling everyone at Thanksgiving, via "World's Greatest Grandpa/Grandma/Uncle/Aunt" coffeemugs and sweatshirts. "We got you something, since we won't see you at X-Mas!" "What the hell, I'm not a grandpa..."

*grins*

priapic_abandon: Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.


You mean, like telling them about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus?
 
2012-10-08 12:02:54 PM  
DO NOT GET ON ANY PREGNANCY FORUMS NOT MODERATED BY ACTUAL DOCTORS/PSYCHOLOGISTS.

Seriously, My Pre and Post-PD was made way worse by the birthmom forums. Get a bunch of hormonal strangers together going through the same things at the same time and it's farking SPARTA. It makes the Politics tab look like Tea Time.

The one thing I really loved was the sling. There are lots of models out there, I had (and for a while sold) the Over the Shoulder Baby Holder. One kid loved it, the other kept trying to escape, but a long sleeve shirt turned to a straightjacket and the sling held high over the kid's shoulders cured that. Best thing to have when you schlepping things all over or trying to clean.

How to make a sling from a sheet. I had to do this once when picking up the pre-schooler during a flash flood. The water would have been up to the kid's chest.

If you're going to pump, rent a medical pump. The Medela Lactina Select is "portable" in that it can be put in a gym bag with the other stuff. The personal pumps may have the "same" pump inside, but it's the stroke of the outside arm that generates the vacuum. Also get different size horns to see what will fit.

Milk is pretty sturdy. It can be pumped and kept in a thermal bag in the gym bag.

Other than that, offer bean dip to anyone who questions your choices and you're good to go.
 
2012-10-08 12:02:57 PM  
Your days will slow down while your years will fly by. Take them with you to do the things you enjoy. Share your passions with them. Teach them to question everything. Never buy a drum and threaten harm to anyone who does.
 
2012-10-08 12:03:11 PM  

YouPeopleAreCrazy: You do NOT need the $400 high end stroller, or the leather trimmed Eddie Bauer car seat. Pretty much any one will do.


Not quite, read the Consumer's Reports or the NTSB's report on car seats and buy the safest one.

/FYI Eddie Bauer seats are among the worst performers.
 
2012-10-08 12:03:14 PM  

namegoeshere: WalMartian: marcre3363: Write stuff down. Even if it's just a Word document where you ocassionally open it up and write a blurb about something interesting or funny the kid did, write it down.

My son turned two this June and my daughter turns one on Halloween. The last year has been a blur and there's so much I can't remember.

Oh, my God. I can relate to how special it is to find something your parent wrote about you while you were a baby. My mom died in December, 2010, and in cleaning out her house after my dad died last year, I found a steno book with her handwriting in it. I was intrigued to find grocery lists, notes, and things like that. Then I noticed a half-written letter to a relative where she describes my latest achievements/annoyances when I was about 10 months old. To sit and read about myself through her eyes was very, very touching. I kept that steno pad and will place it in my safety deposit box so nothing happens to it.

When cleaning out after my mom died, we found an old cassette of her singing songs with my older brother. You can hear me, a baby, cooing and babbling.

***SOB!!!***

That was so neat to find.


I can fully understand. Did you transfer the tape to CD or something so it will last?
 
2012-10-08 12:03:18 PM  
Start with the flash cards the moment you get the child home. Don't let the baby sleep too much. Sleeping takes time away from learning. Babies that sleep too much don't get a leg up on others and end up as losers. Baby Einstein is good but also get Baby Hawking and Baby Kim Ung-yong.
We started with flash cards while the baby was in the womb but I'm not sure that really paid off. Stay away from children's books. Those are for losers too. Read Webster's Dictionary aloud.

As a parent the main thing you can do to help your child is worry about it. Worry during the day, then stay up and worry at night.
 
2012-10-08 12:03:20 PM  
This advice thread is another example of the types of things I'm seeing on Fark which seem better suited for Reddit.

Why is Fark trying to turn into Reddit?
 
2012-10-08 12:03:25 PM  
Read up on EVERYTHING now, don't take other's word for it because they're not experts. Dr Sears is the best resource I've found so far, he has lots of books and a website "askdrsears.com". I also reccommend reading the book "Gentle Birth Choices" by Barbara Harper.
But, other than that, yes buying stuff well in advance is a great idea, but for your first, expect a lot of gifts too. Don't be afraid to register for stuff like diapers and wipes. And never be afraid to ask for help :)
 
2012-10-08 12:03:32 PM  

Kiz: They will outgrow everything rapidly.


If you had a baby shower, chances are you got a pile of stuff in size 0-3m, and the kid won't even get to wear all of it before it gets to be too small. As you can afford to, but a few of the necessities (onesies, jammies, and the like) in larger sizes before you need them. Because you will--and sooner than you think.
 
2012-10-08 12:03:36 PM  

scarmig: Kids are disgusting. You go from hygienic to biological warfare, zero-to-sixty. It gets better over time. But you will instantly need to get past having pee, poo, vomit, snot, blood and other unknown substances just everywhere on you.


Reminds me of my first born(son). I wash changing him, and he kept pooping. And it was the meconium poop, so it was a pain in the ass to clean off him, and the hospital had wipes you had to wet yourself, so I'm running back and forth to the bathroom to wet these stupid wipes while my soon kept on pooping. My mother in law just sat there laughing asking if I needed help.

So more advice:

BRING WIPES TO THE HOSPITAL. If there is one thing you cannot survive without, it's wipes.

Also, CLEAN OUT YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM. Take everything they bring you and ask for more. Diapers, nose suction things, alcohol wipes for the belly button. Clean them out. They have to toss anything you don't take, so take it
 
2012-10-08 12:03:49 PM  
Remember that no one really gives a damn about the baby stories.
 
2012-10-08 12:04:02 PM  

Damili: Just so you have a visual and are not surprised, my husband described her head coming out to a, "Wet Saint Bernard trying to come through a cat door".


You're married to Jeff Foxworthy?
 
2012-10-08 12:04:10 PM  
The first night home, when it won't stop sreaming, swaddle tightly. They really do like the whole human burrito thing.
 
2012-10-08 12:04:37 PM  

Earpj: Enjoy it.
It seems like it'll drag on forever, but it's gone in the blink of an eye.

/I have 5. Eldest is 21, youngest will be 11 tomorrow.


this. CHERISH EACH DAY. 3 girls. youngest is 22.
 
2012-10-08 12:04:39 PM  
Apparently you shouldn't buy new furniture, subby.
 
2012-10-08 12:04:54 PM  
As a father of a 4 year old with another on the way (in May sometime), i'm getting a kick...

/seriously, doesn't matter how much advice you get, almost NONE of it will apply. It WILL be completely different (in good and bad ways) than you think. Every "phase" you go through with the child is short; but the NEXT one is coming. There's ALWAYS a next one. And it's totally worth it.
 
2012-10-08 12:04:54 PM  

grokca: Start saving for their education now.


No. Start a trust fund for their retirement. (seriously.)
 
2012-10-08 12:05:08 PM  

Tom_Slick: C-sections don't leave that much of a scar.


Depends on the incision. My mom had three c-sections and was sliced vertically. She still has the massive scar under her bellybutton. When she had her hysterectomy, they did it horizontally and that incision healed faster and with less scar tissue than her other three.
 
2012-10-08 12:05:08 PM  

Tom_Slick: officespacejk: Heraclitus: No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.


OH, I got trickfarked on that one...doctor said "your son is crowning, do you want to see your son being born?" stupidly i looked...there is no amount of eye bleach that will disassociate that mental image from her hooha


I guess that is one plus of my daughter not wanting to turn around, C-sections don't leave that much of a scar.


during my 2nd, a girl, i stood next to my exwife, facing the wall & perpendicular to her...i looked down at her but would not turn around. it took 2 years to be able to shag confidently after the 1st visual issue, i wasn't going there again.
 
2012-10-08 12:05:24 PM  
Your house will be a disaster area for at least a few years. So don't get too fired up about juice/pee/unidentified icky stains or crayon/marker/Sharpie on the walls. Just clean as you go and plan to redecorate when the spilling years are over.
 
2012-10-08 12:05:27 PM  
Join Amazon Mom for good deals on diapers.
 
2012-10-08 12:05:32 PM  
It's a lot more fun than you'll expect.

It's also a lot harder that you expect. And it's not hard because any one thing is especially difficult. It's hard because it's constant and never-ending. There are no breaks.

For that reason, be really really nice to your spouse. The only breaks you get over the next five years are the ones you make for each other.

Also, apply for daycare now. All the good one have stupid long waiting lists.
 
2012-10-08 12:05:45 PM  
You will never regret the time spent talking, teaching, playing, etc. with them. You will, however, regret every moment you spent not doing those things.

Oh, and explain everything. Even the difficult, scary, uncomfortable things.
 
2012-10-08 12:05:49 PM  

Publikwerks:

BRING WIPES TO THE HOSPITAL. If there is one thing you cannot survive without, it's wipes.

Also, CLEAN OUT YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM. Take everything they bring you and ask for more. Diapers, nose suction things, alcohol wipes for the belly button. Clean them out. They have to toss anything you don't take, so take it


Hell. My youngest will be 11 tomorrow, and I still buy wipes. Very handy to have around.
 
2012-10-08 12:05:50 PM  

Madame Ovary: Some good advice up above. I'll add a couple more regarding discipline:

1. Never lose your composure in front of your kid.
2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is no worse disciplinary measure than the idle threat.
3. Show respect for others at all times, so you have the moral authority to expect respect from them later on.


The best parenting thing I ever saw was Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer.

Once you get frustrated, you lose. Frustration is the bane of discipline. Once you get emotional, and you let the frustration come out (because their ignorance will frustrate the hell out of you as a parent), then you lose.

The kids are only ignorant because you didn't teach them yet. Their faults as a child are your failings as a parent.

/also, minivans are awesome
 
2012-10-08 12:06:00 PM  

Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion: TrixieDelite:

Cloth diapers are a joke. God invented disposables for a reason. Use them.

They suck as diapers, but they make great burp rags. I always kept a pile near the changing table for burpies and general cleanup.


This, absolutely.
 
2012-10-08 12:06:23 PM  
Buy or borrow as many bottles and nipples as you can fit in your sink, preferably all matching, also get a bottle warmer and learn how to operate it in your sleep.
 
2012-10-08 12:06:44 PM  
Oh yeah! UNDERPADS! Forget those cute expensive changing pads in the baby aisle. Go to the old people asile and get underpads. Portable changing pads, much more inexpensive.

There's the inevitable Mom bag. I also made up a Dad bag that was smaller with one of everything. Once the kids were walking, they carried fanny packs over the shoulder with their own damn diapers and wipes.
 
2012-10-08 12:06:51 PM  
Sooner or later your child will walk
Sooner or later your child will come into your bedroom and wake you out of a sound sleep to tell you they "don't feel good".
IMMEDIATELY cover your head to avoid the intense spew of vomit that will follow within the next 5 seconds.
Trust me on this.

/bitter experience
//lactose intolerant kiddos
///barf-o-rama
////slashies!
 
2012-10-08 12:07:08 PM  
Put a whole-house humidifier in your HVAC. This is especially true if you heat your home with central air/gas furnace. Your baby will sleep much, much better in a warm, properly humid environment. My preemie kid rattled for a week before we realized the air was too dry. I rigged a one-room, hot water humidifier with humidistat control for him and he slept perfectly after this.

//// Helps to be an electrical engineer and a damn-good handyman to boot.
 
2012-10-08 12:07:23 PM  
Be prepared to nickname one of your kids "Poocasso" because of her penchant to make wall art out of poop.
 
2012-10-08 12:07:33 PM  
bath time rocks!
it broke my heart when those soapy, sloppy night-time parties came to an end

also, get one of these:

hardscrabbletimes.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-10-08 12:07:34 PM  
It will puke, poop, pee, and probably bleed at some point onto your couch. So if you're fond of it (the couch, I mean. I assume you'll be fond of the kid) invest in a good couch cover.
 
2012-10-08 12:07:42 PM  
Hope you don't like sleep.
 
2012-10-08 12:08:13 PM  
Why are you doing this to me? I'm having farking flashbacks to calculating how much those stupid wipes cost, and using those select a size paper towels instead. It's a wonder I'm still married.
 
2012-10-08 12:08:19 PM  

IamSoSmart_S_M_R_T: Be prepared to nickname one of your kids "Poocasso" because of her penchant to make wall art out of poop.


Guilty. I did this. Poor mom.
 
2012-10-08 12:08:48 PM  

Barbaro's Broken Ankle: Ignore all of the advice you get in this thread and just do what works best for you and your family.

We said we would never co-sleep and baby #1 would only sleep when he was in our bed. When you are tired it doesn't matter.

/baby #2 sleeps in his crib without problems. And yes, we were able to get baby #1 out of out bed how else were we able to make baby #2.


^This^

Seriously, trust yourself - you know far more than you think. It ain't rocket science and billions of other people have been there - done that.

P.S. Don't listen to other parents who claim they potty-trained their precious snowflake in four hours; they're liars.
 
2012-10-08 12:08:56 PM  
Judging by your headline (crotchfruit), you have a good sense of humor. Maintain that, you'll need it!

(not a parent but many friends are)
 
2012-10-08 12:09:13 PM  
I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

A good baby monitor is about the only gadget that I had to have.

Decide on cloth or disposable but remember that cloth is about twice as difficult, if not more.

Everyone who is "trying" to help will buy you bath tub crap and clothes that will fit your child for about 2 months. Ask for gift certificates or frozen food instead.
I'm still using this bath tub stuff.

Frozen food rocks.

You will find yourself being grateful for baby changing stations in the men's rooms. If there is a man involved that is.

Don't be offended if your child looks to mom for love, and you for fun and will not be convenced otherwise until they are about 3 or 4. Again, I'm a guy so I'm making an assumption here.

No really ask people to make you some frozen food. Start making some yourself.

I talked to my kids all the time. Explaining what was going on, what I was doing and singing etc. Both started talking at a very young age. Correlation or causation idk.

We taught our kids some basic sign language, it helped for about 4 months and it was cool to communicate with my kids before they could talk. But its up to you, I could have done without it.

Baby food is expensive and really unnecessary there are some great books on this topic. Unless you are really dedicated you won't want to make your own.

The things our parents did are probably outdated get a second opinion and if someone tells you you are doing it wrong but your kid is happy and healthy, ignore them.

Not knowing the sex of the child was really fun, we did it both times. We also didn't say what names we had chosen until they were born. Its hard to make fun of a kid's name right after they were born, but everyone will want an opinion before. 

Some kids like to sleep, some don't. Good luck. Once its time to start sleep training them, talk with your parter about how "stern" you want to be. Decide on this in advance, and get a book or two on the subject.

Best website ever! http://www.babycenter.com/ 

Frozen food.

In the early months you and your partner don't have to be awake/asleep at the same time. Take turns and enjoy the alone time with your little one.

Baby educational toys are crap.

Lighten up... then lighten up some more.

After the baby is born make a list of chores that need done around the house. If people want to come over and play with the baby and leave then tell them they have to pick a chore first.

Buy a bigger freezer and get some frozen foods. 

We got an expensive crib that converted into a day bed then later into a twin bed. I'm really glad we did.
 
2012-10-08 12:09:30 PM  
Get used to beating off. You're never getting it the natural way anymore. Invest in lotion.
 
2012-10-08 12:09:38 PM  
Haha! Fark sleep for the first couple of weeks of your crotch turd's existence. After that, it's pretty awesome.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:04 PM  
Make sure they can't reach the curtains, shades, or wallpaper border from the crib. What they can touch, they will destroy.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:09 PM  

JammerJim: Read about child development but DO NOT freak out if your kid is ahead/behind/on time. Kids are all different.


This plus eleventy. Development is a resource-allocation balancing act. Just about every kid learns to speak, sleep, sit, crawl, walk, run, climb, do puzzles, achieve object permanence, potty train, etc... but it can't be done at once. It takes enormous energy to develop their brain for each of the tasks, and the physical ones also require a lot of energy to develop their musculature. So kids that are super at climbing may be slow at speech, and vice versa.

Avoid comparing your kids to other kids; you only see those other kids for minutes per day or week.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:13 PM  
-It's not as hard as people make it out to be.
-Be ready for the anti-breeder crowd. You are now "those people". Embrace it. You'll become immune to the judging glares from the childless when your baby cries in public, because f*ck them.

Also...

Pelvic Splanchnic Ganglion:
-Throw away pretty much every "So you're a new parent!" book. They're all garbage, except for the one about infant and pediatric emergency health. That one's gold.


THIS.

-Diaper Genie. Yeah, it's expensive. Do it anyway. I cannot stress this enough.

THAT (or similar equivalent...anything to keep the poo-stench contained).

-Speaking of diapers, buy a pile of cloth diapers. They suck as diapers, but they are abso-frigging-lutely fantastic at cleaning up spills, using as burp rags, etc.

THOSE.

-In the hospital, the instant the child is born, you (as the father), become a fourth-class citizen. You're there, but you'll be treated like a ghost. Bring a DS or something to play with.

This might actually get you killed.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:21 PM  
Get a travel job now. My buddy gets to spend 4 days a week 1000 miles from home in a nice, quiet hotel room. He says he'll get a desk job when the kid hits little league age.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:46 PM  

jbuist: The Happiest Baby on the Block - Dr. Karp buy that book and read it or get the DVD.

Best advise ever on soothing a fussy baby for the first three months of their life.


I have a 6 month old daughter and this DVD was the most useful info I had. it's unbelievable how well it works to calm a baby.

I'd also recommend getting an exercise ball to sit on and bounce the baby vigorously when he's fussy. my daughter has to be moving to calm down from a fit.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:46 PM  
If its a girl, don't molest her friends on sleepovers.
If you do, thinking you can hide the body where nobody will ever find it only makes things worse.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:48 PM  

namegoeshere: Make sure they can't reach the curtains, shades, or wallpaper border from the crib. What they can touch, they will destroy eat.

 
2012-10-08 12:10:49 PM  
If you try to do everything perfectly per the books and all that, you'll lose your mind. It's ok to cut corners every now and then. A friend had a baby that would only sleep on her stomach for the first year. She didn't die of SIDS. Advice like 'always put your baby on its back' is meant to tick the national infant mortality rate down by .01%. Most kids won't be at risk from violating that rule occasionally. Use your own instincts.

The baby's grandparents are going to become very annoying. Also very useful.

Do not fail to spend time A) with the baby, B) with your spouse, and C) for yourself. Balance between them will preserve your sanity.

No amount of baby-proofing is perfect, but it doesn't have to be. If you are solely relying on baby-proofing, you aren't doing your job.

Germs are ok in moderation. They can help your baby develop an immune system.

Bumbos/walkers/exersaucers/swings/bouncers are great and useful products, but are not a replacement for watching your baby.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:54 PM  
The nicest thing anyone said to me came from an old school friend. "Everyone will tell you how much work it is, what a dreadful responsibility it is, how you won't sleep and so on. Nobody will tell you how much fun it is. It's enormous fun." And by golly he was right.

That aside, I would just point out that it's actually incredibly easy. Babies are designed to be brought up in the backs of caves. 99% of all baby equipment is unnecessary. Follow your instincts, relax, do what feels right and to hell with anyone who advises you differently.
 
2012-10-08 12:10:55 PM  
One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

...just in time for her to puke all over herself and the bed, again.

Things like this will happen to you.
 
2012-10-08 12:11:29 PM  
If it is a boy, be sure to name him Sue, as that way he will grow quick and mean.
 
2012-10-08 12:11:34 PM  
All kids are different and if you try and follow someone else's plan you will spend the first year thinking something is wrong.

And you will get Poop on you. Get over it.
 
2012-10-08 12:11:50 PM  

Earpj: Some hospitals don't have nurseries anymore.


Some hospitals have nurseries? Good grief. Nineteen sixty seven called. It wants its child raising theories back.
 
2012-10-08 12:11:53 PM  
When the miracle of birth happens, there will be about 30 people surrounding the baby doing bad things to it (like sticking tubes down it's throat). They do this all the time and they know what they are doing.

As soon as the baby is handed to you, they will show you how to put a diaper on. Before you do this, have them put vaseline or something similar all over the baby's bottom. IT makes getting merconium off (the early poo stuff) much much easier.

Then you get to babysit a hungry/cranky baby for a bit until they get finished with mom.

We didn't get a breathing monitor or baby monitor. We have a small house and could hear her.

For car seats look on line (Albee Baby is a good place to start). They have discontinued colors for big discounts. If you have a second car a Cosco Scenera is a spectacular choice for well under $100.

90% of the stuff at the baby store you don't need. If you do need it, you can go out and get it.

Look for 'Boot Camp for Dads' at your local hospital. It is a great class.

Get some cloth diapers to put on the changing pad. Then you just have to swap out the diaper, not the entire pad.

Babies snore and are puke factories. They can make an art out of projectile vomiting.

Get in a groove and have fun with the little one. Having a bundle of joy snoozing on you will put a smile on your face.
 
2012-10-08 12:12:13 PM  
Get on a schedule.

It makes everything much easier. If one of you is a night owl and the other is a morning person - use that to your advantage. Share the responsibilities.

Oh, and get the Diaper Champ instead of the Diaper Genie. It seals everything up into a regular kitchen trash bad - which you won't run out of. Those strings of Diaper Genie turds frequently fail and cost tons of money.

P.S. - enjoy the second trimester sex. It is the best sex.
 
2012-10-08 12:12:19 PM  
Buy a rocking chair you can get out of without using your hands.

When you're at the end of your rope punt to your S.O. and go outside for a few minutes. Allow you're S.O. to do the same
 
2012-10-08 12:12:47 PM  
1) Take anything you love or value and put it at least 3 feet of the ground once they start crawling and walking, because they WILL get it and WILL fark it up beyond repair as soon as you turn your back
2) Know the number to poison control. Seriously
3) It's never too early for a babysitter so you can GTFO the house
4) You ARE going to get barfed, pissed, and shiat on
5) You more than likely won't get a solid nights sleep for 18 months so enjoy it now
6) Have fun and don't worry too much, they're pretty much all cartilage and will bounce back pretty easily.
7) Don't let your wife talk to too many other women who have had babies, they're like old guys at the VFW telling war stories, she'll hear nothing but things that will freak her out
8) Make sure that you make time for yourself, the kid comes first of course, but you've still have to be able to do your own thing. Your free time as you know it is pretty much gone for 2 years
9) Sex, see above and get a lock for your door
10) It's your child do what you think is right regardless of what anyone may think. Some of the "best" parents are people who have never had kid. Good luck and congratulations
 
2012-10-08 12:12:47 PM  
Don't get the big bottle of cheap whiskey and drink way to much of it. opt for something nice and take it slow.
 
2012-10-08 12:12:52 PM  

tricycleracer: Get a travel job now. My buddy gets to spend 4 days a week 1000 miles from home in a nice, quiet hotel room. He says he'll get a desk job when the kid hits little league age.


♫ cat's in the cradle...♫
 
2012-10-08 12:13:52 PM  
Invest in a jogging stroller, you kid will most likely sleep well in it, you can give mom a break, you get exercise and you get some time to yourself.
 
2012-10-08 12:13:53 PM  
Enjoy it!
Happy kids > clean house
If you remember to think about it, write on the backs of the pictures that you print!
 
2012-10-08 12:14:01 PM  

Grapist: Scietntific studies have show that pregnant ladies are 47% more likely to let you put it in their butt.



This can't be more true. The ONLY time in twenty years she let me was when she was pregnant. Take advantage while you can.
 
2012-10-08 12:14:19 PM  
Just relax. You might be surprised how natural most of it comes to you. (I was)

Have fun.

Find a way to bottle a good night sleep so you can open it later and use it and become a trillionaire.
 
2012-10-08 12:14:23 PM  

Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?


Warm bottom-bath.
 
2012-10-08 12:14:38 PM  
Regarding poop, when the diaper gets filled - wait 5 minutes. Usually there's a second round.
 
2012-10-08 12:14:58 PM  
One thing I learned for the second kid, that I wished I'd known for the first...

When you find something that keeps your baby asleep, don't ever feel guilty about using it.
First child would fall asleep in arms but as soon as he was flat in the crib he'd wake up screaming.

Second kid was the same way, but one night I put him in his car seat (the portable one you just click in the car, oh and BTW, those are awesome) and he stayed asleep.... For then on he slept in his car seat instead of his crib for a good 4 months.

/keep an open mind
//what works for others might not work for you and vis versa
 
2012-10-08 12:15:02 PM  
It's the most wonderful thing in the worl...GAWD!  I can't lie.  Its horrible.  You can't get enough sleep.  Someone is always sick.  There is no money for fun stuff which is fine because you will be too tired to go out anyway.  Doctors visits.  School issues.  Broken hearts and sports and pretty much everything you hated about your own childhood...now as an adult living vicariously through your spud.
 
My advice...get a reality show gig.  Here Comes Honey Sub Submitter.
 
2012-10-08 12:15:27 PM  
You will become impervious to all bodily fluids
 
2012-10-08 12:15:36 PM  
Don't be a farking helicopter parent. Just let your kid explore the world and be adventurous. And let them learn from their mistakes, even if it means an occasional trip to the doctor, or even the ER. That's just life.
 
2012-10-08 12:15:40 PM  
If the mother to be is prone to freak-outs (but a good idea for anyone), take a "So your expecting a baby" class at the local hospital (usually free). Our class was run by a doula. My wife learned that everything she was feeling was pretty normal and got to hear what other women were going through. Calmed her down exponentially.

Like others have said, wait to tell anyone till after the first trimester. I hand a few friends jump the gun on that, but it only takes one to burn that leason into you. Also, don't buy anything baby related till then.

Be supportive after that, you don't want the stories about what an a-hole you were during pregnancy, because those stories will come up at every gathering you attend for the rest of your life.
 
2012-10-08 12:15:53 PM  
Don't call them "crotchfruit."
 
2012-10-08 12:15:54 PM  
1. Learn to use slickdeals.net
2. If you have a gassy baby (you will know daily quickly), put mylacon drops in the bottle.
3. Sign up for the Publix baby club
4. Enjoy every second with them. You cannot comprehend what it means when someone says "they grow u so fast" until you are a parent.
5. Your child's world may be smaller and simpler than yours, but its just as important and complex to them as yours is to you. Ask them about their day and listen to them.
 
2012-10-08 12:16:11 PM  
Don't let your kid do something ONCE that you won't let them do a thousand times. Seriously, DON'T BE A LAZY PARENT. Read "Ceasar's Way", I know it's about dogs but the information he provides about re-enforcing bad behaivor and rewarding positive behaivor applies to small children too (I read it before I had my first child). It's been mentioned already but time will fly. When your child is about 3 years-old he/she will want to play...all the time. No matter how tired, irritated or lazy you're feeling take the time to roll in the grass, play tag...it's amazing how quickly it will bring you back to the time when you were a child. You've got a very short window in your life to act like a child in public without being looked at like a wierdo, take advantage of it!
 
2012-10-08 12:16:47 PM  
Have it at home.
 
2012-10-08 12:17:11 PM  
Early year education is more critical than generally assumed: get your kid in a Montessori program at least through grade 3. They'll learn early and learn to manage schoolwork well.
 
2012-10-08 12:17:14 PM  
Figure out what your budget will be after the baby is born. (Factoring in diapers/wipes/clothes/formula/insurance/etc.)
Start moving toward it now, getting there as fast as possible and put the difference in a savings account.
You *will* have forgotten things. You will be surprised by things. You will be happy to have that money.
 
2012-10-08 12:18:16 PM  

ringersol: Figure out what your budget will be after the baby is born. (Factoring in diapers/wipes/clothes/formula/insurance/etc.)
Start moving toward it now, getting there as fast as possible and put the difference in a savings account.
You *will* have forgotten things. You will be surprised by things. You will be happy to have that money.


Yeah, look up what a daycare costs and start putting that in the bank now. Even if one of you is staying home.
 
2012-10-08 12:18:27 PM  
Congrats!

Some ideas, your mileage may vary:

- the basics work: get the books, read them realizing not all situations will apply to you and your child, but they'll give you a sense of how the process works. One surprise for me is a newborn is capable of pooping 10x a day, so you do fly through diapers.

- Get an Amazon Prime membership for $79. They generally have competitive prices on most things baby, including diapers. We found them to be a tiny bit cheaper than Costco/BJs, and with free 2 day delivery, it's super convenient. Not having to go out to the store can be a huge time-saver in the first couple months.

- Diaper Genies do work, can be pricey for the replacement bags. We like ours, but other options might save you some $$$. Set up a changing station on each level of the house, running up and down stairs to change diapers gets old, particularly for Mom right after delivery. If you can, a nap space on each level of the house is nice too.

- Bring an inexpensive bathrobe for Mom to the hospital. Not a nice one, there's a good chance it will get goop of various kinds on it. She'll need it to have the right balance of comfort vs. easy access for medical staff.

- If you can swing the cost, I echo a prior poster's suggestion: get a month or several of weekly or bi-weekly cleaning service. No one's going to want to clean the house.

- Again to echo another poster: don't get fancy clothes, basic onezies are the way to go. The ones that unsnap at the bottom (for quick access to diaper changes without removing the rest of the onezie) are good, even better are the ones that unsnap at the shoulder or that wrap kimono style, so you can take them off without going over the baby's head. There will be times the onezie gets soiled, and you really don't want to have to take the soiled onezie off over the baby's head if you can avoid it.

good luck!
 
2012-10-08 12:18:32 PM  

Dixie_Wrecked: Get used to beating off. You're never getting it the natural way anymore. Invest in lotion.


Lotion futures. *makes mental note*
 
2012-10-08 12:18:37 PM  
Don't get too emotionally attached to them. They will either disappoint you later in life or slow you down during the zombie apocalypse.
 
2012-10-08 12:18:43 PM  
I always say if people really knew what having a child entails they probably wouldn't do it. I have a 21 year old senior in college and he is the center of our universe (still) but no book or words of experts can prepare you for your life changing. Since we both work full-time, we'd have a system at the end of the day where we'd look at each other and decided who was the least tired to deal with dinner or baby-feeding. Then the next day, we'd swap. If you feel that you are BOTH in it together, you really do have a lot less resentment. Also, try not to worry what the Joneses are doing since they don't know any more than you do. The best piece of advice that I got from my parents - "Be a parent not a friend.". If your child knows that the only thing you care about is making sure they are a quality human being - they will love and respect you and hopefully be a friend when they are an adult.
 
2012-10-08 12:19:03 PM  

sxacho: Buy or borrow as many bottles and nipples as you can fit in your sink, preferably all matching, also get a bottle warmer and learn how to operate it in your sleep.


Bottles? Bottle warmers? All that bother and equipment, when the best food is available on tap and for free?
 
2012-10-08 12:19:22 PM  
Oh..there will be a day when your wife walks up to with the child and says "Here.You take it" She will look like someone you have never seen before. Don't ask any questions. Don't argue. Don't tell here just a minute. Take the child and let her go do whatever it is she needs to do.
 
2012-10-08 12:20:10 PM  
No one, NO ONE, thinks your kid is as cute, funny, intelligent, etc as you do. They don't, they won't, they can't. Remember, your baby's striking ability to be the cutest, most special baby ever conceived in the history of the world is a defense mechanism. It is designed to keep you from donating it to charity after all the sleepless nights and associated trauma. Strangers, even close friends and family will never think as highly of your baby as you do, so spare them all.
 
2012-10-08 12:20:11 PM  
Also, you're gonna hear a LOT of impassioned garbage from all over the place regarding skin-to-skin, breast feeding, and all kinds of crazy anecdotal pseudo-scientific horsesh*t from people who will consider you Hitler's scrotum if you don't do everything exactly as they do.

Feed you kid, change diapers, make sure they get enough sleep, don't let them eat paint chips. Beyond that, have at it. Make your own choices.
 
2012-10-08 12:20:38 PM  
The diapers thing is great idea. Buy diapers now, and keep buying them every time you go grocery shopping. If the grandparents are willing, have them do it, too. My sisters both did this with 4 kids between them, and to my knowledge they were never want for diapers.
 
2012-10-08 12:20:39 PM  
Sounds weird, but you're not going to think it's yours. You're going to look at at that child up and down and you're going to be proud and show off, but you're not going to think that he or she is yours for a little while. But then you're going to find one part of him/her that you recognize as yours implicitly, one part of them that could have come from no one else. Then it'll sink all the way in.

I'm glad whoever it was warned me before my girl was born. I didn't believe them then, but they were right.

\\\ears
 
2012-10-08 12:21:33 PM  

Stealthy Ninja Polar Bear: One thing I learned for the second kid, that I wished I'd known for the first...

When you find something that keeps your baby asleep, don't ever feel guilty about using it.
First child would fall asleep in arms but as soon as he was flat in the crib he'd wake up screaming.

Second kid was the same way, but one night I put him in his car seat (the portable one you just click in the car, oh and BTW, those are awesome) and he stayed asleep.... For then on he slept in his car seat instead of his crib for a good 4 months.

/keep an open mind
//what works for others might not work for you and vis versa


I had a buggy with a removable bassinet.
I would put the kid in the bassinet, put the bassinet on my lap (in a rocking chair) and rock the kid to sleep that way. Then, I just had to pick up the bassinet and go back to bed. The baby slept in there, on my large bedside table, for the first 3-4 months. It was awesome.
 
2012-10-08 12:21:36 PM  
Whatever you are driving now...it isn't big enough. A 1 year old kid has an AMAZING amount of paraphernalia that has to come with every time you go somewhere. My advice: Suburban. With the diesel drivetrain.

If your kid turns out to be colicky, that diesel will be a lifesaver.

/spent 6 months sleeping in an idling Suburban with my daughter in her car seat
 
2012-10-08 12:21:42 PM  
1) Do everything in your power to ensure that both of you are home for the first few months at the very least. One person taking care of an infant alone, for the first time, is incredibly difficult. It's hard to believe how difficult it is until you do it.
1a) If you can't have both parents home, try to find friends and family who will be willing to come and visit for a full day, and who will be willing to watch the little one(s) for a few hours, make a few meals, do a bit of cleaning, etc.
1b) If you can't have regular friends/family coming over to help, make sure that the bottom three feet of your house is childproofed before the child is born. It's staggering just how extensive that particular task can be, particularly if you're like the Techhell's and have more electronic equipment than we should. Trying to do that with our 7 month old daughter demanding our attention is a rather difficult task for us.

2) If you are using formula make up a bottle when you have the chance. Most can last for up to 24hrs in the fridge, so if you find yourself having 15 min to yourself in the morning, mix up a bottle and it's good until the same time the next day.
2a) If your formula requires purified/boiled water, boil up a large amount of water and store it. At least 5 bottles worth of water.
2b) If you are going to be feeding formula to the baby more than once in the day, mix up multiple bottles or at least enough formula to pour into the bottles when needed.
2c) Don't listen to ANYONE who tells you that you shouldn't bottle feed or formula feed your baby, Well, listen, yeah - don't stick your fingers in your ears and go "LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!", but don't let them have an undue influence on your decision. There's a hell of a lot of crap out there about only using the Breast, that using formula is some sort of a failure on the part of your wife, etc. Do what you need to do for your baby, your wife and yourself.

3) Make a budget for things you need for yourselves and your child. Then plan for needing at least 10% more.
3a) Don't spend more than $100 on everyday baby clothes, like onesies and sleepers. People with children are quite often very willing to give away their old childrens clothing, and people tend to give you lots of baby clothing as gifts.
3b) Don`t buy shoes for your own baby until that baby is walking. Don`t buy a single pair of baby shoes. Just don`t.
3c) Your baby doesn't care what they're dressed in. Your baby doesn't care if they're dressed at all. Your little boy doesn't care if he's wearing a pink onesie that says "Daddy's little Princess!". Your little girl doesn't care if she's wearing a little Tigers jersey that says "Daddy's Little Slugger!". Your baby only cares that they are warm and comfortable - everything else is the ego of the Parents.

4) The way the economy is going, both you and your wife are going to be working into your 70's. Remember that when you consider the trade off between the potential harm to your career now by taking time off to care for your child, or by trying to build your career by going back to work as soon as possible.
4a) Your career can probably wait.


5) Your child is a unique special snowflake inasmuch as your child is not going to be exactly the same as any other child ever written about or raised. Take every bit of advice with a pound of salt.
5a) When you've discovered things that work for you and your child, you're going to sound just like the rest of us when dispensing your advice. Be as polite to people providing you advice as you want them to be polite to you when you provide your advice to them.
 
2012-10-08 12:21:51 PM  
Congratulations! (no advice, but good luck!)
 
2012-10-08 12:21:51 PM  
No one ever told me about the actual physical abuse they put you through. This includes, but is not limited to:

- Ripping out large clumps of body hair
- Cornea gouging, scratching
- Ball kicking, punching etc.
- Slapping
- Punching
- Biting
- Kicking
- Body slamming (laying on the floor is particularly hazardous, you will find)

All of this will hurt. A lot. But you will still have to sit there and take it and say "Awww look how cute they are. With their finger jammed in my eyball. Awwww."

/not really sure this qualifies as advice as I have no solution to this problem, just be ready
 
2012-10-08 12:22:20 PM  
Ok, one last and I've got to get out of this thread. You can never have too many socks, and the best baby things are at the auto parts store. If it's soft enough to polish your damn car, it's soft enough for the baby. And probably cheaper. And without those stupid animal characters on it. Also, you'll be needing that Orange Goop in a few years.

Congratulations!
 
2012-10-08 12:22:34 PM  
I've got two, one of each gender, separated by about 3 years. They're both pretty good kids, intelligent, curious and can be thoughtful and sweet... but not when they're together. Always needling each other, yelling at each other and being all around rotten. Plus, since the time they could toddle, they follow me around because I'm the adult who does interesting things, its too often my attention that they are vying for. On weekends, their other parent just wants to have downtime - TV shows on the Internet, shopping and the like, while I tinker in the garage, build things like trebuchets and treehouses, answer their questions about the world around them.

OK, so I guess my advise is to choose your SO wisely. Oh, wait. You've already chosen. Well, good luck.
 
2012-10-08 12:22:44 PM  

soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?


The gays coined it as a derogatory term during their struggle for special rights.
 
d3
2012-10-08 12:22:46 PM  
1) Mom must sleep when the baby sleeps!
2) Trust your instincts about why the baby is crying.
3) Breast is best but if the milk hasn't come in or the baby is having trouble with proper latch, an ounce of formula isn't going to hurt anything. a.k.a. Don't let yourself be bullied by La Leche.
4) If you are dealing with #3, hire a lactation consultant to give advice on getting a proper latch. Worth every penny.
5) Having a video camera turned on but pointed at the floor during the birth will allow you to get the first cry audio but not be something only suitable for a medical reality show.
6) I'm naturally a late night person anyway, so when the kid started taking bottles of pumped breast milk, I would do the midnight feeding to allow mom to sleep 4-5 hours straight. It keeps her sanity in place and therefore yours as well.

I could probably write a book.

/have a 6 and 4 y.o. and still remember some of this stuff like yesterday while this morning's work meeting I couldn't explain without referencing my notes.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:05 PM  

Lettuce Pray: - Body slamming (laying on the floor is particularly hazardous, you will find)


HA! My daughter was responsible for 3 broken ribs.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:19 PM  

Sneakytoes: The people at the hospital can be assholes. Don't let you push them around. Example - I was having huge problems getting my baby to latch on, she finally started to, and a nurse swooped in and took her away because it was time for the pediatrician to look at all of the babies. I was alone and too whacked out to fight back. Asshole.


That's really good advice. During the birth and first few hours after, Daddy is the best advocate Mommy and baby have. If you're lucky, you'll have a good team at the hospital that will support both of you. If not, DO NOT be afraid to be a complete asshole in order to get them what they need. Just keep it in perspective- 10 minutes for ice chips, chill out. Takes over an hour to "weigh the baby", start throwing things.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:22 PM  
As a father of three I'll tell you if you pay heed to any advice, it is this:
Ignore all advice from everyone and everything (including this thread), except maybe your own parents and your kid's doctor. Other parents are usually overbearing, opinionated creatures that like to prescription ways that others should manage their lives. The fact of the matter is that kids tend to be individual and unique and no one approach will work with all of them.

Otherwise, kids are a blessing -- relax and enjoy the ride.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:39 PM  

orbister: Bottles? Bottle warmers? All that bother and equipment, when the best food is available on tap and for free?


That requires a conscious wife that doesn't have a job. I did about a third of my children's feedings.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:46 PM  
I have a lot of kids and you've solicited advice:

As infants, you can't go wrong picking them up. Babies need skin to skin contact. Don't put them down until they squirm out of your arms on their own. I heartily endorse co-sleeping and nursing on demand. As a father you won't be asked to get up in the middle of the night to make a bottle. The mother won't need to get out of bed to nurse the baby, and may be able to half-doze while nursing. The baby won't have to cry for half an hour before someone realizes it's their brand new baby crying.
There will be nights where everybody is awake because the baby is crying FOR NO REASON.

On crawlers, get down there with them, they're going to find the things the vacuum missed.

On toddlers, they have no concept of time, none, seriously. Just add 30 minutes to your schedule now. They don't want to put their shoes on in the manner you proscribe or in the time frame that you've allotted.
 
2012-10-08 12:23:50 PM  
1) Don't find out your spouse is pregnant on a tragic day like I did. I now remember my wife finding out she's pregnant and the terrorist attacks in Shenksville, Arlington, and New York together.

2) Remember that for the next several months you've got a built in DD. Party Hearty. you won't get too many chances after said crotchfruit is born.

3) Start looking at sales on baby items such as diapers. Stock up when you hit a good sale. You'll use them and it's mighty convenient to have already have a lot on hand when the baby has been born and you get nailed with a ton of expenses.
 
2012-10-08 12:24:11 PM  
you are the mover and shaker in another being's life. If Mother is the word for God on every child's lips, then Father is Yaweh: you are. You are the rock they lean on, the support which will never crumble. Be embodied encouragement, be that father screaming on the sidelines for the last goal, be the one taking his daughter to tae kwon do classes, be the one who remembers what the science fair is about, and don't do her project for her, just let her figure it out. If she chooses wrestling, be that parent championing her right to do the sport. If she goes with anything, hers is the right to do that(except that bridge thing, jumping off the bridge is never a good idea). You are the mover and shaker of her life, the advocate of first and last resort. You are Daddy.

/I'll agree about the miscarriage thing
//oh, and no names until after 16 weeks. You'll just be overly attached if the life prematurely ends
///*snif* I want Elora back
 
2012-10-08 12:24:22 PM  

SacriliciousBeerSwiller: Also, you're gonna hear a LOT of impassioned garbage from all over the place regarding skin-to-skin, breast feeding, and all kinds of crazy anecdotal pseudo-scientific horsesh*t from people who will consider you Hitler's scrotum if you don't do everything exactly as they do.

Feed you kid, change diapers, make sure they get enough sleep, don't let them eat paint chips. Beyond that, have at it. Make your own choices.


Great idea. But buy ALL SIZES. Don't bother with newborn size. You will get a bunch at the shower, and unless it's a teeny preemie, it'll outgrow them in about an hour.

Same with newborn size clothes.
 
2012-10-08 12:24:52 PM  

Skyd1v: Whatever you are driving now...it isn't big enough. A 1 year old kid has an AMAZING amount of paraphernalia that has to come with every time you go somewhere. My advice: Suburban. With the diesel drivetrain.


Or just realize you aren't cool anymore and get the minivan.

/rockin' the Odyssey, biatches!
 
2012-10-08 12:25:29 PM  

namegoeshere: SacriliciousBeerSwiller: Also, you're gonna hear a LOT of impassioned garbage from all over the place regarding skin-to-skin, breast feeding, and all kinds of crazy anecdotal pseudo-scientific horsesh*t from people who will consider you Hitler's scrotum if you don't do everything exactly as they do.

Feed you kid, change diapers, make sure they get enough sleep, don't let them eat paint chips. Beyond that, have at it. Make your own choices.

Great idea. But buy ALL SIZES. Don't bother with newborn size. You will get a bunch at the shower, and unless it's a teeny preemie, it'll outgrow them in about an hour.

Same with newborn size clothes.


Wow, I quoted wrong. That was supposed to be about stocking up on diapers before the birth.
 
2012-10-08 12:25:48 PM  

Pardon Me Sultan: All unless your parents live nearby. Then you're gold.


Both my kids live within 10 minutes of us. Son has two-year-old daughter (PIPs of all 3, actually) and daughter has two daughters herself. My wife and I babysit on an average of 2-3 times a week.

The daughter and son-in-law took waaaay more advantage of us as babysitters for the first girl's first three years, and the second girl's first year. Usually about every other Sunday we watch the kids from about 10 to 5, while daughter and son-in-law go off for "adult time." Sometimes it's a date, sometimes it's back to the house to try and make grandchild #3, whatever.

If you have competent grandparenting-based babysitting available, it IS like gold.
 
2012-10-08 12:25:57 PM  

calm like a bomb: Skyd1v: Whatever you are driving now...it isn't big enough. A 1 year old kid has an AMAZING amount of paraphernalia that has to come with every time you go somewhere. My advice: Suburban. With the diesel drivetrain.

Or just realize you aren't cool anymore and get the minivan.

/rockin' the Odyssey, biatches!


Much better gas mileage as well.
 
d3
2012-10-08 12:26:00 PM  
1) DO NOT! I REPEAT, DO NOT allow yourself to laugh out loud the first time your wife picks up the naked crying baby off the changing table and said baby promptly urinates and poops all over her!

2) Ignore the cries and always put the fresh diaper on before picking up the baby.
 
2012-10-08 12:26:17 PM  

calm like a bomb: That's really good advice. During the birth and first few hours after, Daddy is the best advocate Mommy and baby have. If you're lucky, you'll have a good team at the hospital that will support both of you. If not, DO NOT be afraid to be a complete asshole in order to get them what they need. Just keep it in perspective- 10 minutes for ice chips, chill out. Takes over an hour to "weigh the baby", start throwing things.


Also, wait until the baby is born to start calling relatives, our friends told us of their mistake, nothing is worse than an over eager grandparent in the waiting room.
 
2012-10-08 12:26:22 PM  
Oh and you will change and your life will change. It won't make sense now, but I guess our bodies release hormones and change our brain chemistry so you can adapt.

It might sound crazy, but soon when people without kids post things or say stuff like they take vacations, and have free time to do whatever they want and have a nice car and nice stuff, you will just shrug and possibly laugh because really, who gives a sh*t? That stuff won't really matter that much anymore. That surprised me the most.

I never saw that coming...but my brain chemistry has been altered and I am okay with this.
 
2012-10-08 12:26:53 PM  
I have no first hand advice to offer, but as far as second hand advice is concerned....

Do not replace your and your spouses identity with the baby. Obviously the child will take up tons of time effort and love etc over the next 'forever' number of years, but actually maintain your individual identities so when you ship the kid off to college you can still live happily with your spouse.
 
2012-10-08 12:27:27 PM  

Skyd1v: Whatever you are driving now...it isn't big enough. A 1 year old kid has an AMAZING amount of paraphernalia that has to come with every time you go somewhere. My advice: Suburban. With the diesel drivetrain.

If your kid turns out to be colicky, that diesel will be a lifesaver.

/spent 6 months sleeping in an idling Suburban with my daughter in her car seat


Buy a noise machine if a kid needs the rumble to sleep. My kids both slept to the sound of a waterfall for the first four years of their lives (it also keeps other noises in the house from waking them up).

And you don't need a huge vehicle. I have two kids and our biggest car is a Mazda 5 (dual sliding doors) which is the smallest minivan you can buy. It also has a manual transmission and gets 28-30mpg.  We needed more room twice for vacation - so we just attached the roofrack and cartop carrier. Problem solved.
 
2012-10-08 12:27:49 PM  

bdub77: This is just reminding me of my wife's impending c-section in two days for kid #2. Ugh. I can't believe this thread showed up today of all days.



Congratulations!

All will be well.
 
2012-10-08 12:27:50 PM  
Wireless webcam is a great(and cheap) baby monitor. I picked on up for $50 on ebay, and thats with pan/tilt/zoom and night vision.

Put the clean diaper underneath you kid, then undo the bad diaper. Worse case scenario, you can use the new diaper to catch any new stuff coming out.

Diaper genies are good, but they work pretty good with a normal trash bag in them. The refills are a racket.
 
2012-10-08 12:28:05 PM  

Mentalpatient87: The diapers thing is great idea. Buy diapers now, and keep buying them every time you go grocery shopping. If the grandparents are willing, have them do it, too. My sisters both did this with 4 kids between them, and to my knowledge they were never want for diapers.


Or buy twenty reusable ones and reuse them.

Protip: fleece liners.
 
2012-10-08 12:28:59 PM  
A couple of things some people might not tell you that will be more important in a few years:

1. Discipline your kid starting at about 18 months or so. Figure out how to do it nicely, but that doesn't mean every time you'll be nice about it.
2. Don't take your anger or frustration at your kid(s) out on your spouse. Make sure your spouse reciprocates this rule.
3. Make your kid do their own stuff. Nurture independence. Don't coddle them. Let them get frustrated and figure it out themselves. Don't go overboard. This doesn't mean you should make your 6 month old go to the fridge for its bottle.
4. Be specific in your praise.
5. Let your kids fail at stuff.
6. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about most stuff. This applies to just about everything I said above. Don't let your spouse undermine your work, and vice versa. This is a general guideline - be ever vigilant.
7. Don't try to pour what you imagine the failures of your life were into your kid's. This applies particularly to sports.
8. Along with #7, find out what they seem to like and give them opportunities to explore those things. When they fail at them, it's OK to push them sometimes, sometimes they won't appreciate the push until much later.
9. Learn to turn off the TV.
10. Take any advice you get on the internet with a grain of salt.
 
2012-10-08 12:29:08 PM  
Lose the terms "breeders" and "crotchfruit". If you ever hear them mentioned in your wife's presence don't laugh but act bewildered by them.

Also don't be an absentee dad, There are way too many of those in this country and it's very sad.

And CONGRATULATIONS! I have 3 girls 5 and under
 
2012-10-08 12:29:10 PM  

mekki: Enjoy the moments of having the little one asleep in your arms or against your chest, with his/her face snuggled against your neck. You will never ever have someone trust you that completely in your life ever again. (Unless you have another child.) It is one of the best feelings in the world. Relish it. You will miss it once the baby grows into a kid a no long does it.


Amen. Though it's also awesome when your toddler just spontaneously climbs into your lap to cuddle with you. Or even just looks up from her toys to say, out of the blue, "Daddy, I love you."
 
2012-10-08 12:29:11 PM  

SamFlagg: Do not replace your and your spouses identity with the baby, or the next time she calls you "Daddy" during sexytimes will necessitate therapy.. Obviously the child will take up tons of time effort and love etc over the next 'forever' number of years, but actually maintain your individual identities so when you ship the kid off to college you can still live happily with your spouse.


FTFY
 
2012-10-08 12:29:26 PM  
1. Get some sleep.

2. Relax. Babies are exhausting, but not hard to deal with. You'll figure out what works for you.

3. Vaccinate your kid. Don't let the crunchy weirdos distract you with their woo.

4. That said, consider cloth diapering. It's cheaper, babies tend to toilet train earlier, and there's no funky chemicals in them.
 
2012-10-08 12:29:51 PM  
Have one more child every 2 to 4 years. This way the kids will take care of themselves and get along with each other. Greater than 4 years difference means trouble and fighting. You also don't want any more than 2 in college at the same time or you will be broker than usual.

You are the leader of your own personal army now. You will have to act like one. Make short and long term plans. Execute.

Kids are dumb. Trust them to not act in their own best interest, and don't be mad when they don't. They are kids.

Daddy tax everything. It means Dad gets first dibs, NO QUESTIONS. If they don't like, they can get the fark out.

Lastly, if you are a good dad, the kids will still love you even if you are not with mommy anymore, and the older ones will understand. Live your life to be happy and respectful. Remember this, and they will too.
 
2012-10-08 12:31:38 PM  
Don't open anything (diapers)/cut the tags off of anything (clothing) until you know the sizing is right. Once the baby is born (and before you can bring it home), launder the clothing ("a few sets of appropriately sized garments") in a scent- and dye-free detergent.

Don't wake your baby to change a wet diaper (especially in the middle of the night.)

The Swaddleme is a great invention (especially because you can't have loose blankets.)

Keep extra diapers, wipes, and a change of clothing (an outfit for your kid, an extra shirt for you) in a Ziploc bag in the trunk.

You will stop caring about your kid putting stuff in their mouths from your germy floor after a few months. Until then, get a "pacifier clip" that keeps the pacifier attached to their bib when it does pop out. (Ours has a plastic clip for the bib, and a snap strap for the pacifier loop.)

Get the Medela Quick Clean microwave steam sterilizing bags for your bottles and other equipment.

Swap clothing with other families that have outgrown theirs. Keep seasonality in mind. (e.g. a baby born in September will have a totally different set of clothes from a baby born in March.)

Get a SSN and then open a custodial bank account for money people give your child.

Good luck.

/Number one is three and a half.
//Number two is 11 months.
 
2012-10-08 12:32:16 PM  
speed dial the abortion clinic. You've still got time
 
2012-10-08 12:32:20 PM  
Oh dear god, you've made your first mistake by turning to FARK for advice on actual reproduction.

And for your next mistake, don't ever refer to your child as crotchfruit or parents as breeders again. She will hate you for it.

The words "he checked his voicemail during labor" have been written on actual divorce filings.

Name your baby now. If you don't have an official name picked out, give your baby a nickname and talk to your baby. You will feel like a fool at first but when your baby is born and immediately recognizes your voice, you'll be glad you did.

Learn about the Bradley Method whether or not y'all choose to go that route, it helps to hear a different point of view.

Skip the stupid diaper sausage pails. The goal is to get loaded diapers OUTSIDE immediately. Just remove the screen from your window...

Get a big carpet/upholstry steam cleaner. You will use it almost daily. Don't buy the cheapy one.

Co-sleeper (where the crib can attach to your bed) help everyone involved get more sleep.
 
2012-10-08 12:32:25 PM  

madgonad: orbister: Bottles? Bottle warmers? All that bother and equipment, when the best food is available on tap and for free?

That requires a conscious wife that doesn't have a job. I did about a third of my children's feedings.


The ability to breast feed while sleeping is well worth developing. I'd do all the night time changes, then plug the kid in. After a while, my wife rarely woke up.

/cosleeping
 
2012-10-08 12:32:56 PM  

nacho_nacho_man: Remember that nobody wants to see Facebook posts and pictures of ultrasound, fat belly, more ultrasound, nursery decorating, baby shower, more fat belly, hospital pictures, and Billy's First Everything experiences for the next 6 years until the little monster goes off to school. Enjoy those moments yourself, but don't be disillusioned into thinking anyone else gives a crap about your little snowflake.


Definitely. And if you want an album with that, do your local Wal-Mart, Target, Walgreens, Costco, or mom and pop photo printer a favor and print them at home. We don't want to see pictures of delivery either; it creeps us out.

And no risque/nude photos, they threaten our jobs.
 
2012-10-08 12:32:59 PM  
Good one I heard about newborns...

Math.

Newborn needs some 18-20+ hours of sleep a day. Adults need 5-9 and there are two parents. The math is on your side.

How to fark it up: Let the baby double team and keep both of you awake at once. Let the baby give you anxiety about getting up so that you do not go back to sleep soundly.

Do not: Take turns in the night getting up.
Do: Take shifts in the night getting up.
Person not on shift should wear earplugs so not to be disturbed.
 
2012-10-08 12:33:11 PM  
No matter how tired/busy you are, don't put your kids off for "tomorrow". Time flies faster than you think. Blink and 18 years have gone by.

Buy a kitchen table. Use it for actually eating meals at.

Don't freak out about every bump/bruise/cry.

Laugh *with* them. Don't laugh *at* them.
 
2012-10-08 12:33:26 PM  
Also, don't grow the New Daddy Beard.

Every guy I know has done that, and they regret it as soon as the kid figured out it's something to grab.
 
2012-10-08 12:33:38 PM  
Start getting sleep now. Seriously. Sleep in on weekends, even if you aren't tired. You won't understand this now no matter how much you hear it. I can not stress this enough. SLEEP!

If he/she is crying uncontrollably (you'll know it when you see it) try running you vacuum. It settled ours down. If your kid is colicky by a cheap vacuum so you don't ruin your good one.

Go ahead and read some baby books but be prepared to ignore everything in them. Don't let others (books, family, tv, internet) influence you too much. If it makes sense to you try it out but if it doesn't work it just means your kid is different. Just like everyone else.

SLEEP!
 
2012-10-08 12:34:03 PM  

Fail in Human Form: Theaetetus: Fail in Human Form: Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.

LGBT

/Fixed that for me

The other one made more sense. There are tons of non-heterosexual or non-cisgender folks who have kids. And there are plenty of us heterosexual, cisgender folks who have nice things, frequent vacations, and early retirement instead.

Fair enough, but just remember your genes die with you.


Dammit, why don't you have a profile picture!
 
2012-10-08 12:34:28 PM  

minoridiot: As a father of three I'll tell you if you pay heed to any advice, it is this:
Ignore all advice from everyone and everything (including this thread), except maybe your own parents and your kid's doctor. Other parents are usually overbearing, opinionated creatures that like to prescription ways that others should manage their lives. The fact of the matter is that kids tend to be individual and unique and no one approach will work with all of them.

Otherwise, kids are a blessing -- relax and enjoy the ride.


Does that mean subby should ignore you advice as well?

Take what advice you want, leave what you don't. I've had 2 kids, youngest is almost 2, and there are things here got me thinking "Why didn't I think of that".
 
2012-10-08 12:34:28 PM  

ignoringyou: Doesn't matter where your kid sleeps (safely) as long as it sleeps. Carseat. Swing. Doesn't matter. Mom and dad need sleep too.

In general, just do whatever works for you. It'll be okay. Oh yeah, and pictures.


So much THIS.

Also, a good pediatrician is a must. Ask anyone you know with kids for references. You should be able to go to them with all worries, big or small. Especially in the beginning. I remember my brother calling me (I had kids first) to ask if he should call the Dr. for some situation or other. I said, "You need to do whatever makes YOU comfortable."
 
2012-10-08 12:34:55 PM  
FEED HER! 24 /7 day or night cook, go shopping, u-turn for random restaurants whatever it takes.. makes for a happier and less morning sick pregnancy.

Also, normal birthing is more intense than you might expect, but its all ok.

Also, poop will end up on the ceiling (not from the birth)
 
2012-10-08 12:35:18 PM  
Well, when the missus and I had ours (just 1), I knew I was expected to help take care of it. He' turning 15 in two weeks, and then gets his learners permit. I was almost 33, she was almost 38, and he was 7weeks preemie. He didn't start talking until he was almost 4, but he rapidly caught up, and now is an honors student, taking mostly all Advanced Placement course. Seems just yesterday he was learning to talk, and now is seems as though he won't shut up, but that will change too.
/Congrats
//Had a vasectomy when he was 2. One and done.
 
2012-10-08 12:35:25 PM  
The terrible 2's last from 2 to 22.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:07 PM  
YOUR.
LIFE.
IS.
OVER.

Now that's not a bad thing, but listen up.
Suck it up and realize that everything you do is for that kid now.
Want to go to a sports game in the next state? That's great....UNLESS the kid needs watched or you might need the money for baby food later.
I've seen FAR too many people try to do whatever they wanted to do BEFORE the baby came and then take it out on the baby when they can't do something.
Had a guy come into our store and buy some Magic The Gathering cards. Came back 20 minutes later and needed a refund because...and I QUOTE: "Apparently we need the baby food more my wife said.".

You don't get to do everything you wanted to because now you're in charge of someone else.
Good night.
And good luck.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:08 PM  
"Breeders"?

Where's the HATE speech tag?

What's up with that mods?

Hypocrisy FTWinZZ!!!!!!

FARKfront!!!!!!
 
2012-10-08 12:36:09 PM  

NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.


THIS
 
2012-10-08 12:36:14 PM  
Oh, and minivan (with fold down seats). Considering the cribs, strollers -- and later Little League gear -- you'll be driving one for the next 20 years.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:16 PM  

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.


Such good advise.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:30 PM  
Enjoy each and every moment of the pregnancy as it is not often you get to participate in a miracle.

/And do not say "we're pregnant"; you're not, she is
//You have no idea how much poo and pee-pee a newborn can produce.
 
2012-10-08 12:36:40 PM  
You'll be fine. Babies need love, food and a clean ass. You'll figure out the rest from there
 
2012-10-08 12:37:17 PM  
This isn't that ONE piece of advice, but it's important. Make sure to read with you child. Read, read, read. Read kids books with them and appropriate older stories to them. It pays off greatly. If they can both read and enjoy reading by the time they start school, their life and yours will be a LOT easier.
 
2012-10-08 12:37:18 PM  

orbister: sxacho: Buy or borrow as many bottles and nipples as you can fit in your sink, preferably all matching, also get a bottle warmer and learn how to operate it in your sleep.

Bottles? Bottle warmers? All that bother and equipment, when the best food is available on tap and for free?


Sometimes the tap's dry, or sleeping for the first time in a week. I'd also add a good breast pump to my list.

This is not to mention the other advice of not being afraid to supplement with formula if the milk's just not coming in in sufficient quantities. It happens.
 
2012-10-08 12:37:59 PM  
It is the best most rewarding thing you will ever do!...... but remember there will also be trying times head, Just get in there and do your best ! Good luck and congratulations :-)
 
2012-10-08 12:38:49 PM  
Raise a puppy together, before you get started on raising a kid together.
 
2012-10-08 12:39:37 PM  

Zombie DJ: Had a guy come into our store and buy some Magic The Gathering cards. Came back 20 minutes later and needed a refund because...and I QUOTE: "Apparently we need the baby food more my wife said.".


Wow. Just wow.
 
2012-10-08 12:40:02 PM  
As several noted upthread - miscarriages happen - and they suck. So don't blast it out to the universe until you hear the heartbeat.

"What to expect (first year and when expecting)" both reasonable books.

You have been imprinted in how to raise kids by your parents - some of that didn't go well. Monitor yourself and stop behaviors quickly that are not productive.

from our pediatrician: Kids survive childhood in spite of what we do - so relax.

Also as noted upthread - it flies by - my youngest is a HS Sr. And again - encourage them to be their own person (not who you want them to be) - so don't force them to play piano, play football, or whatever - and YOU get invovled in whatever they choose to pursue - you will not regret having that time together. I have spent countless hours in scouting for oldest - classical guitar events for middle - and horse riding for #3 (I did NONE of those in my younger days..

Don't overshceulde yoursleves or them - limit them to no more than 2 external activities at any one point in time - but make sure they are doing at least 1.

If there is any way at all to make it happen, one of your stay home and raise your kid. I am not saying that those who don't are bad parents - but I am saying that if you can make it happen - you will not regret it in the long run. You drive a crappier car and take less glitzy vacations, but your kids will know their parents better than the $10/hour "help".

At least for me - EVERY age (so far) has been more fun then the last - parenting young adults is a blast - especially when they ask for - then follow your advice.

When they have struggles in school or with others, go with them and teach them how to work through the struggle - don't just rescue them. They will emerge as mature, capable, confident leaders who can roll through adversity. Practice the conversation with them before you go in - and when the teacher starts talking to you - point out that you are there to support your child resolving this and ask them to talk to the student instead of to you.

Finally LOVE your kids. (and that does not mean you will always "feel" love for them - but LOVE them in the active and intentional sense of being there and supporting, encouraging, punishing, listening to, talking to, and living life w/ your kids. LOVE as a decision - not a feeling. And love their mother - the BEST gift you can give a child.
 
2012-10-08 12:40:10 PM  
Father of two kids under 3...

1. Every kid is different
2. You are never ready, but somehow you make it work
3. Learn to laugh when you're ready to scream
 
2012-10-08 12:40:12 PM  
Wear a cup.
 
2012-10-08 12:40:40 PM  
Make sure you teach them that Jesus rode a dinosaur into Bethlehem 250 years ago.
 
2012-10-08 12:40:53 PM  

Temporarily Qualmless: Raise a puppy together, before you get started on raising a kid together.


If she's pregnant, it's a bit too late for that.
 
2012-10-08 12:41:14 PM  
I took the opposite route- no breathing monitor. If your kid stops BREATHING in the middle of the night, that's nature weeding out the weak. I talked to them and encouraged them to keep breathing at all times.
I beat them severely when they did dangerous and foolish things. Things like not breathing. That way I didn't have to do it often.
I talked to them, later, when they had things to say, I listened to them. I never made a rule for my own convenience. Everything was done to serve their needs, but their needs involved not becoming a selfish sociopath, so behavior in that direction was greeted with severity. And still, even though they're 16 and 14 now and in High school, and both with aspirations toward college, I encourage them to breathe normally.

Of the seven, the two who survived are my favorites.
 
2012-10-08 12:41:28 PM  
RU486 in her breakfast.
 
2012-10-08 12:41:49 PM  
If you tell your kid that you will start making their birthday cake in a few minutes, be prepared for them so sit there, staring at you, until you actually get up to go start it.
 
2012-10-08 12:43:30 PM  
Buy your wife The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy. She will thank you.
 
2012-10-08 12:43:49 PM  

nodubs: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.

The only good diapers for newborns are pampers swaddlers, fyi. But yeah, what he said. Formula too if you're going that route.

Really? We loved the Kirkland ones. A box of 1-2 lasted a month, and are the right size for storing crap in later.


You don't store it, you flush it down the toilet. Saving baby stuff is great, but get rid of the crap. Unless your ventilation system is world-class, it will NOT smell good in your house.
 
2012-10-08 12:44:04 PM  
Understand that you WILL be late for EVERYTHING for at least the first year as you try to get into a rhythm with Junior.

Stated elsewhere, but I can't stress it enough... GET A CRIB MONITOR. We used one of the ones with the motion and audio sensor, and it gave us a fright once or twice when our daughter moved away from the center of the mattress, but ultimately it was more than worth the investment.

Stated elsewhere: STOCK UP ON DIAPERS. If someone's throwing you a baby shower and they ask what kind of cake you want, tell them a diaper cake... wait, scratch that. A *CLEAN* diaper cake. Because you never know with some people.

Get a good-quality diaper bag- no, get two, a big one and small one. Keep them fully stocked at all times. Make sure they're easy to spot from a distance; you will be seriously distracted for much of the first couple of years, so making things simple to identify and grab is one small thing you can do to help your own sanity.

Your life will be ruled by shiat and piss. Get used to it.

You will be covered in baby hork at some point. Get used to it.

If you have carpet over hardwood floors, give some serious thought to pulling up said carpet and leaving the hardwood floors... that makes it MUCH easier to clean baby vomit and pee accidents.

Stated elsewhere, cannot stress this enough: TRUST YOURSELF. If you care enough to be worried "Are we doing the right thing?", and you've made a decision based on what you know and what you've learned, go with it. It's hard at first, but you'll learn.

Let your child be who they are... introduce them to new things, but if they don't like it, don't force it.

When people tell you the time flies by, they are not kidding. Enjoy every hug and cuddle, and accept the occasional tantrum as the entry price to the greatest joy you will ever know- the love of your child.
 
2012-10-08 12:44:59 PM  

Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?


You wash her. Stick her under the faucet or use the shower hose to rinse it out.
 
2012-10-08 12:45:02 PM  
There are other excellent pieces of advice in this thread, and while the Boobieser pretty much nailed it, I have my own two cents.

1) Responsibility. NowhereMon nailed it, and I will repeat it. Forget friends, hobbies, TV shows, sex, whatever, at least for the first month. It will be unlike anything you have ever experienced, probably second only to serving on the front lines in any sort of combat situation except without the friendly fire and death. The baby monitor becomes a Pavlovian device.

2) Banking sleep is a myth. My son ate every 4 hours around the clock, and with the wife sick with gallstones for the first three months, I was on overnight feeding duty for a long while and had to work a full time day job. You want to instead train yourself to take 20 minute power-naps. Hope you have bosses or co-workers who understand and won't mind if you nod off during a staff meeting.

3) Bodily functions become your world. I cured my germphobia within 2 weeks with copious amounts of vomitus, urine, feces and snot. If your kid goes on formula (my wife couldn't nurse, see #4 below) they will get constipated. Glycerine suppositories become your friend, but realize at that point that the BM now comes in stages ranging from the torpedo to the "incendiary poo grenade". Trust me, you will see things happen with crap you never thought were possible. On that note, always have a small package of wipes in your pockets at all times, keep it with your wallet and keys if necessary. Because I guarantee the day your kid's ass goes Old Faithful, you'll need it to clean up the mess.

4) As others have said, read books for general advice, but evolution has provided parental instincts for a reason. You will figure things out. Listen to the OB nurses because they've been there day in and day out when the docs haven't, but beyond that and other serious medical conditions, take all others with a casual nod. I guarantee a good 20-30% of post-partum depression comes from those La Leche farks and the attachment parents or whomever swoops down within hours to make you feel like a run-over dog turd for feeding your kid store-bought baby food or makes your wife feel completely inadequate if she's not pumping a gallon of milk per day because OMG YOU'RE STARVING YOUR CHILD YOU HEARTLESS BIATCH. You will make mistakes, you will do something wrong, but human infants are very resilient within a certain degree.

5) Unless religion stipulates, circumcision is your call. If you're a dad and you want your boy circumcised, sit through and observe it, tough guy...I think it should be a rite of passage. As they get older teach your boy child to wipe his ass and aim his pee hose and to wash his hands after putting them on testicles, nostrils or other places. Hygiene is a never-ending, always infuriating thing with kids, so keep on them at all times.

6) Dads, and I cannot stress this enough, the first 3-4 years of your child's life are irretrievable in terms of connecting with your child. You will not get those years back if you later decide to pick up around year 8 and think it'll all work out. That only happens in the movies. So bond with them, because you don't have the convenience of maternal biology to help you with it. Do overnight feedings, learn how to change a diaper properly, learn infant massage, give mom a break (a day spa treatment or professional pregnancy/post-pregnancy massage does wonders), and push the stroller like you give a damn. Like Robert Heinlein said, "Specialization is for insects."

7) Evaluate and read up on all possible childbirth contingencies. That epidural class you take that the hospital insists upon is completely worthless, as they do not tell you about the 10% of cases where your wife goes through convulsions or claustrophobia because it wasn't administered right or some other unforeseen reaction took place. All the Lamaze in the world is worthless when an emergency C-section is the call 20 minutes before delivery. Be prepared for anything.

8) If your baby looks to be delivered on or around their normal due date, buy a size below and at their expected size. Nothing sucks worse than driving in the snow in February because your newborn was too small for newborn baby clothes and everyone had preemies that week. Diapers are a toss up; unless you experience a direct allergic reaction, you don't have to buy the super ultra-ply, mega expensive diapers - you will go through more than you can count, and it's an utter waste of money to spend $0.25 on something a kid may wear, at best, 4 hours. If you change the diaper regularly and properly, the cheapo Wal-Mart brands do nicely. You do not need little glow-in-the dark or moisture-induced "wee-wee" stars to show up when your little guy drops a pint into his shorts. And just as you wouldn't want to sit in it for 2 hours until it's achieved "maximum absorptive capacity," don't do it to your kid.

9) Diaper Genie. If you must, forsake all other items on your shower list and make sure this and about 5 refills are listed. You will not believe how strongly old diaper stench permeates your home, and being able to hermetically seal it in a nice "string of pooearls" configuration will be a godsend.

10) Not everything is worthy of a farking ER visit. Bobby pins are amazing things. When your kid sticks a dried bean up their nose (and they will), a little baby oil and a bobby pin are great for popping that sucker right out. Ears probably need a specialist, though. My kid swallowed a link from one of those Italian charm bracelets and he was just fine. They will pull a Rambo on you and eat things that would make a billy goat puke, so take it in stride and steer them to the proper edibles.

11) Research your vehicles and the NTSB for car seat recalls; if you got one for the baby shower, register it immediately and check the NTSB website regularly, since it could be in recall just that quickly by the time the baby is born. Car seats are one of the more important items you will buy, and nothing sucks more than realizing your particular brand of car is a literal death trap for infants (I'm talking to you, 2000-era Pontiac Grand-Am). The car seats with detachable bases are excellent. Buy two.

12) Unless you're Anne Geddes, be prepared to take 20 exposures of film for every "good" shot. Get a fast camera/camcorder, because you'll need to be Quick-Draw McGraw to catch just the right moments. Children, much like technology, instinctively know when you are in a hurry and will punish you for it. Given proper maintenance, your child will provide many years of love and happiness to you and those around you. Congratulations, and welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood.
 
2012-10-08 12:46:00 PM  

Snowflake Tubbybottom: Don't get too emotionally attached to them. They will either disappoint you later in life or slow you down during the zombie apocalypse.


No. It's your duty to keep them alive through the apocalypse, teach them the right path, and how to carry the fire.

/we're on the front line between civilization and chaos, fellow breeders
 
2012-10-08 12:46:21 PM  
Grape juice makes turns their poop green.
 
2012-10-08 12:46:27 PM  
Don't have kids with people who use words like breeders and crotchfruit. Posers.
 
2012-10-08 12:47:01 PM  

Heraclitus: No matter what she says, you do NOT need to be there for her to have that kid.

If you love your wife and you plan on ever having sex with her again, DONT DO IT!


Not entirely true. Just stay by her head and DON'T LOOK DOWN THERE!
 
2012-10-08 12:47:17 PM  
Push her down the stairs...
 
2012-10-08 12:48:52 PM  

Amidala: Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?

You wash her. Stick her under the faucet or use the shower hose to rinse it out.


That completely ruins the protective crust.
 
2012-10-08 12:48:58 PM  

Buggar: Get a big carpet/upholstry steam cleaner. You will use it almost daily. Don't buy the cheapy one.


We have the LittleGreen ProHeat that has just been a great joy. Between two dogs and three kids, I've gotten to use it a lot and it replaced a big, stand-up jobbie that was a hand-me-down. So while I thoroughly recommend having a dog or two to clean up after your kids, the carpet cleaner is still a terrific investment.

Red King: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.

Such good advise.


Good advice because then you don't have to explain to everyone you told that the baby died.
Bad advice because then nobody knows why you're emotionally devastated.

I've been through it both ways, preferred the "tell everyone" route.
 
2012-10-08 12:49:15 PM  
With six grown kids,thirteen grandchildren,and one greatgrandchild,one piece of advice for Dad:
If you can't run for the hills now,buy a rocking chair. Your back will thank you when it gets old.
 
2012-10-08 12:51:07 PM  
Don't allow them to play video games until they are 16 years old. Don't play any video games in front of them. Limit their TV time too.

addy2: Don't have kids with people who use words like breeders and crotchfruit.


Oh yeah. And this too.
 
2012-10-08 12:52:03 PM  
Go on lots of dates while you can. You will be too tired for a long time after the baby comes, and if that isn't the problem, it's not uncommon for new moms have a hard time leaving their babies (especially if she's getting to be a housewife or has extended maternity leave). Nursing makes timing of dates harder in addition to mom worries. Try to roll with the punches. As irrational as it sounds for your wife to not like leaving the baby even with trusted family, I think it must be some sort of protection instinct, she might not totally be able to help the seeming paranoia. It will improve as the baby gets older.

Don't be afraid to let the baby cry it out, yes it sounds cruel, but it's not going to do any lasting damage, I promise. (Check on them still, you'll be able to figure out when they really do need checking on).

Don't buy name brand baby clothes, they grow so fast it's a total waste of money. They'll look cute even in the store brand stuff that's like $4-6 and they won't have time to wear it out, they might stain it before they could actually wear them out. You might even be able to find some good stuff at second hand stores, I have seen some specifically for baby clothes in my area.

The constant pee and poop and total dependency on you does end eventually and you will wistfully look back and think that your kiddo's getting too big even while totally enjoying the company of this awesome little person that's taken up space in your heart.

Enjoy your little one next June. Keep your camera/phone charged up, you will take tons of pictures.

Trust your instincts.
 
2012-10-08 12:52:11 PM  
Don't listen to anyone else and do what feels right to you. You can trust your instinct way more than anyone else when it comes to raising your kid.

Everyone wants to give you advice and what works for one family isn't necessarily what's best for another family. Follow your instinct!
 
2012-10-08 12:52:21 PM  
With parenting, always remember that people much dumber than you have done this successfully.
 
2012-10-08 12:52:49 PM  

one0nine: Stated elsewhere, but I can't stress it enough... GET A CRIB MONITOR. We used one of the ones with the motion and audio sensor, and it gave us a fright once or twice when our daughter moved away from the center of the mattress, but ultimately it was more than worth the investment.


Make sure to throw it out before their 2nd birthday!
 
2012-10-08 12:53:00 PM  

Cybernetic: One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

...just in time for her to puke all over herself and the bed, again.

Things like this will happen to you.


This happened to me last night so I'm getting a kick....

/4 times... ugh
 
2012-10-08 12:54:09 PM  
Remember when they start walking going to the bathroom becomes a social event, expect lots of banging on the door.
 
2012-10-08 12:54:10 PM  

Spanky McStupid: Grape juice makes turns their poop green.


Blueberries make it purple or almost black. This is normal but quite surprising the first few times.

DO NOT allow any fruit-tainted poopy diaper to spend ANY time fermenting in your car, or the smell of that fruit will forever become the smell of poop. Seriously: blueberries smell like poop to me now. :-(

Nightsweat: Amidala: Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?


It is a very big adjustment and you're right, nobody tells new parents (or at least new dads) of this coming, mind-f*cking obstacle to overcome.
 
2012-10-08 12:54:34 PM  
Advice: Don't ever refer to your child as "crotchfruit."

Really.

It's a PERSON.

/ Raised three daughters
 
2012-10-08 12:55:22 PM  

stovepipe: Cybernetic: One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

...just in time for her to puke all over herself and the bed, again.

Things like this will happen to you.

This happened to me last night so I'm getting a kick....

/4 times... ugh



Then the dog pukes because it started to eat the puke you were trying to clean up
 
2012-10-08 12:55:29 PM  

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


astroman05: If you ever wanted to travel somewhere special with your wife, do it in the next few months before she gets travel restrictions, or else be prepared to wait 20 years.


^THESE

and watch Bill Cosby: Himself.
 
2012-10-08 12:56:03 PM  

Lando Lincoln: Don't allow them to play video games until they are 16 years old. Don't play any video games in front of them. Limit their TV time too.


Oh, don't be silly, you just have to be selective in what you allow them to play and watch.
 
2012-10-08 12:56:10 PM  
Stuff I learned:

(1) An entire industry exists to convince you that (a) you need a special expensive baby version of everything or else (b) your baby will die.

You can easily spend thousands of dollars extra on baby stuff just because marketeers have convinced you that you must. Even if you become keenly aware of how they pitch every stupid thing, and become careful with your pocketbook, you'll still look back when your kid is 3 and be amazed at how much you bought that you didn't need.

(2) You'll get a lot of important safety tips. One of them is bogus: that you must never, ever heat a baby bottle in the microwave.

This is because of "hot spots," i.e. because some idiots can't understand how microwaves work, and scald their kids. If you simply use common sense, there is no issue: take the top off (no need to microwave the nipple,) nuke it until warm, and then shake it after you take it out to even out the temperature. Test it on your wrist. What's the friggin problem here? You can also reduce the magnitude of hot spots by using the power level button.

The only risk of using a microwave is that at 3 in the morning, you're going to pull the bottle out of the microwave and the little lip on the glass turntable will *donk* the bottom of the bottle and splash the top part (the hottest part) in your face.

(3) You'll be told to stay away from any raw fruits or vegetables that grow on the ground, because bacteria. You can still eat this stuff at home if you just soak for 5 minutes in a big bowl of water with a tiny tiny bit of bleach---I mean like a tablespoon of bleach at most in a gallon of water.

You may think that's not a big deal, but let me tell you something: your wife wants salad. Give her a goddamn salad, and you're the goddamn superman batman.

(4) Peppermint tea eases nausea. Do not under any circumstances do anything but straight peppermint tea. None of that ginseng-gingko crap (not a good idea to feed a pregnant woman random herbs.)

You can just get plain peppermint tea at the grocery store in the non-snooty section. Buy it in teabag form so you can keep some in a purse, because you'll go to a coffee shop and ask for peppermint tea and the lady behind the counter will say, "well, we have this stuff with coriander and castoreum" and seriously what the Hell people?

(5) Another reason to stock up on cloth diapers is that your kid can use them as security blankets, and when he's crying at night because he needs his blankie and you can't find his blankie? Grab blankie number 2 from your stack of 50 identical blankies.

(6) People are stupid paranoid about your child's development. If your kid starts talking a little late, everyone will think the kid needs early intervention. Apparently non-scientists (and this includes pediatricians) look at an average age of language acquisition and think it's some kind of mandated deadline for non-retarded kids. How did we ever survive as a species before we carefully measured and averaged these things?

If you fall for this, your doctor will assign your kid to be evaluated (for free, but we still get letters from the insurance company saying that we owe $91 to some other party who never sends us a bill.) The evaluation is reassuring, because it shows you that your kid is perfectly normal, just not in the mood to speak yet. Then you get assigned a speech therapist whom your child will cheerfully ignore as she writes panicky notes about how your kid needs more therapy. Eventually the kid starts talking and everyone pats themselves on the back about what good a job they did.

/I was joking about castoreum. Please do not Google it.
 
2012-10-08 12:56:58 PM  
They are ungrateful little f**kers!!! Sell their spare organs on Ebay NOW!
 
2012-10-08 12:57:29 PM  

stovepipe: Cybernetic: One night, at about 1:00 AM, one of my daughters woke up crying, sat up in her toddler bed, and puked all over herself and the bed. We got her in the tub and cleaned up, got the dirty sheets and jammies into the washer, made the bed, put fresh jammies on her, and got her back into bed...

...just in time for her to puke all over herself and the bed, again.

Things like this will happen to you.

This happened to me last night so I'm getting a kick....

/4 times... ugh


That happened to us just a couple weeks ago with our five year old. Except my wife's face was on the receiving end of the projectile both times. I only got hit by overspray.

Good times.

CONGRATS SUBBY!
 
2012-10-08 01:00:19 PM  
Lord loves a working man.
 
2012-10-08 01:01:07 PM  
Be a parent when you have to and have fun with them when you can.
 
2012-10-08 01:01:28 PM  
Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

I've *always* wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. Ever since I figured out that technology could provide you with a career where you didn't have to go anywhere, it seemed to me to be the best plan. I get that we'll still have to utilize daycare, but everything all have said about "being there for your kids" and "spending time with them while they're little" well, that's my point. That's what I want to do.

As such, the wife will continue her job and be the "working" parent while I continue to do what I do, on my (the kid's) schedule- my work is the kind of thing that as long as it gets done in a timely fashion, it doesn't matter where or when it gets done. I expect this to be a huge boon to my early parenting days.

As far as sleep goes, I am a night person, while my wife is a morning/day person. I'm usually up till about 2-3am anyway, and she's usually up by about 530-6 after going to be around 10. Am I crazy in thinking this will also be very helpful?

My parents were very much of the "early education pays dividends later" childhood phases. I was Montessori schooled until about age 4 or 5, and was compelled to always be reading something; trips to the library to stock up on books for a week or two were fantastically common. I plan on this being the case in my household as well.

Speaking of my parents, they live in town, about 15 minutes away. I feel like my mom hasn't been enthused about the prospect of me having a child, but that's probably because it's "me", and not because she isn't excited about the next generation. I've already received flak from bro and sis about "not just dumping my kid on mom" (theoretical kid, this was months ago and they don't know yet, nobody does- except this thread) which was never my plan, but I am glad that I have familial support locally. Alongside this, my wife's BFF has a 6 month old, and she's been her "baby buddy" since birth- already has much experience and practice dealing with a fussy baby, and while I get that every kid is different, in my mind, this experience can't be a bad thing.

Bought a new ride at the beginning of the summer; the wife insisted it be a 4 door, so it is. I really don't wanna be a minivan/SUV type, and the wife doesn't either. What the child will do to the leather in my car is another story, but memories of puke being absorbed into cloth seats make me glad that's what I've got.

Realistically, it'll be the hanging out with friends that will be the hardest for me to let go, but who knows how I'll feel when the kid is extant, or more importantly, how they'll feel? Guess it's time to sober up and be an adult.

Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"? I've read about it many times, but nobody seems to be citing it here. Someone mentioned that everybody loves a pregnant woman and wants to touch their belly; even at this distance, I don't know if I'll be comfortable with that, and I fear I'll become actively hostile to others as the pregnancy progresses.

To the guy that said "this thread sucks, didn't know FARK was reddit lite", well, I posted it here for 3 reasons:

1. Redditors make Farkers look like....I dunno, a group of enlightened smart people.
2. This was my first green, and I figured it was a shoo-in, given the FARK headline bait, and the extremely passionate discussions people have about kids and parenting. I was right! Thanks mods!
3. I'm a FARKer, not a Redditor.

Thanks again, all. I'm saving this thread, and it's going to be the first document in my "things I don't wanna forget about my kid growing up" folder that many have suggested.
 
2012-10-08 01:05:39 PM  
That 'crotchfruit' doesn't bode so well as a term of endearment.
 
2012-10-08 01:06:00 PM  
Everyone told us that our son would be ruined if we let him sleep in our bed. It's BS. For the first few months let the little one sleep in your bed. He/She will be fine. Just transition them after the first few months.

Make sure you really take care of your wife especially after the little one is born. Do small things for her and take the baby to try to get her out of the house some. I'm convinced that a lot of post-partum depression is caused by the poor mom going stir crazy at home for weeks on end.

Once the baby is a bit bigger don't be afraid to leave it with a trusted friend or family member. Make time for the wife. You'll both be happier.

/ Congrats and enjoy the ride.
 
2012-10-08 01:06:53 PM  
Go around your house and break everything.

You'll get over it.
 
2012-10-08 01:08:20 PM  
At one point it will occur to you that maybe if you shake it hard enough it will stop making noise- don't act on that. Remove all carpet from your house. Don't read books on how to raise kids- do what you think is right. Just because your parents did something does not mean you have to do the same thing, you do have free will and all.
 
2012-10-08 01:08:30 PM  
Just remember, someday you will miss all of this. When you are sitting there watching your kid graduate, get married, get sentenced, whatever, you will be saying to yourself "I wish my kid was still a baby and I could hold her and rock her to sleep just one more time."
 
2012-10-08 01:09:20 PM  
1) invest in a second "base" for your baby's car seat so you can just leave one belted firmly in each car.

2) invest in cheap onesies. Occasionally babies can mysteriously crap their own weight and fill both the diaper and onesie. It's better to cut the onesie off with scissors and throw it away than drag a poop filled garment over the baby's head.

3) it's never too soon to start child-proofing the house even when the baby won't be crawling around for a long time.

4) baby stuff is expensive, start saving now. Like everything else, the cheap products fall apart, and the most expensive ones are for suckers. Spend time when you shop.

5) Kirkland diapers and baby wipes from Costco are a fantastic value. Diaper genies are your friend.

6) take lots of pictures, both alone and with family members. Sears and other photo places offer CDs of your photo sessions even if you don't get prints of all poses... it's worth the money to buy the disk. Every year send a backup disk of family photos to the grandparents in case something happens to your house. You can buy new things, but you can't get the photos back.
 
2012-10-08 01:10:52 PM  

grinding_journalist: Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"


Not a guy, but yes. Hubby didn't really feel it kick in until the kids had popped out. After that he was supersonic if something went wrong. He jumped out of his shoes across the room to rescue a kidlet trying to dive off the sofa. Chances are she's going to be more hostile than you are. 'OMG DON'T TOUCH MY BELLY fark YOU OLD LADY'.
 
2012-10-08 01:11:10 PM  
I haven't read the entire thread, but my piece of advice as a father is to invest in a few athletic supporters for yourself. When they hit 18 months you'll understand.
 
2012-10-08 01:11:51 PM  

grinding_journalist: Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

I've *always* wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. Ever since I figured out that technology could provide you with a career where you didn't have to go anywhere, it seemed to me to be the best plan. I get that we'll still have to utilize daycare, but everything all have said about "being there for your kids" and "spending time with them while they're little" well, that's my point. That's what I want to do.


Don't expect to do much when the kid is awake. I tried that to give the wife a break every now and then since she's stay at home, but I never get a chance to get work done until baby goes back to her.

snip...
Realistically, it'll be the hanging out with friends that will be the hardest for me to let go, but who knows how I'll feel when the kid is extant, or more importantly, how they'll feel? Guess it's time to sober up and be an adult.


You'll get over it. Really. And if they want to still hang out, they can, and everyone will play with the baby.

Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"? I've read about it many times, but nobody seems to be citing it here. Someone mentioned that everybody loves a pregnant woman and wants to touch their belly; even at this distance, I don't know if I'll be comfortable with that, and I fear I'll become actively hostile to others as the pregnancy progresses.

It's fine. Best response I've heard of for it is to start rubbing the other lady's boobs. That gets them to stop pretty quick when they realize it's not as much fun when they get it.
 
2012-10-08 01:12:22 PM  
Never let the wife see you use the term "crotchfruit".
 
2012-10-08 01:13:11 PM  
Since she can't get pregnant while already pregnant - hit it like a mad man because things will be....."different", "after birth" of said crotch fruit.
 
2012-10-08 01:13:42 PM  
1) Keep a $100 bill in your pocket during the delivery.
2) Immediately after birth, slip it to the doctor.
3) Without your wife hearing you, say "extra stitch" to the doctor and wink.

/never had a kid
/not even sure if they stitch?
 
2012-10-08 01:14:21 PM  
Who the father was.
 
2012-10-08 01:15:14 PM  
No matter what everyone says, you have to do what's best for you. Try not to judge your parenting skills based on what others are doing.

That being said...
-- If your wife wants to breastfeed, encourage it. It's healthy and free! It was quite the wake-up call when we switched to formula after eight months and realized that stuff costs $150 a month.
-- Vaccinate your kid if possible. Educate yourself all you want, but make sure you get your facts from reputable sources and not former Playboy playmates. Also, think about the consequences of what will happen to your kid and other kids around them if you don't vaccinate.
-- When you're in public, remember that no one thinks your kid is as adorable as you think they are. So many complaints about parents with their "crotchfruit" in public could easily disappear if more parents realized this.

And as others have mentioned, the days are long but the years are short.
 
2012-10-08 01:15:34 PM  
1. If your wife can breast feed, encourage and help her any way you can. Breast feeding is:
Cheaper
Doesn't require preparation
Baby's don't drink more than they need, so they don't vomit much (my kids only threw up once or twice)
The poop doesn't smell as bad
Baby gets lots of good stuff from the mother
You can't do the 2am feedings :)
2. Baby signing, it's basically sign language for babies, get a book on it
You can start as early as 6 months
They might start signing back as early as 9 months
You know what they hell they want when they're not old enough to talk
We did it with my oldest and he could tell us he wanted to nurse, eat, drink, listen to music by the time he was 12 months, and he was speaking full sentences by two years.
3. Sleep. Your wife should be sleeping when your child is sleeping, other wise she won't sleep, she'll go insane, and she'll make you very unhappy.
4. If anyone comes to visit for more than an hour, they have to help. The new parents have enough on their hands without catering to others, if they're not helping, kick them out.
 
2012-10-08 01:16:15 PM  
Ask her who the daddy is.
 
2012-10-08 01:16:24 PM  

grinding_journalist: Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

As far as sleep goes, I am a night person, while my wife is a morning/day person. I'm usually up till about 2-3am anyway, and she's usually up by about 530-6 after going to be around 10. Am I crazy in thinking this will also be very helpful?

My parents were very much of the "early education pays dividends later" childhood phases. I was Montessori schooled until about age 4 or 5, and was compelled to always be reading something; trips to the library to stock up on books for a week or two were fantastically common. I plan on this being the case in my household as well.

Speaking of my parents, they live in town, about 15 minutes away. I feel like my mom hasn't been enthused about the prospect of me having a child, but that's probably because it's "me", and not because she isn't excited about the next generation. I've already received flak from bro and sis about "not just dumping my kid on mom" (theoretical kid, this was months ago and they don't know yet, nobody does- except this thread) which was never my plan, but I am glad that I have familial support locally. Alongside this, my wife's BFF has a 6 month old, and she's been her ...


I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can from my perspective as a new dad - but YMMV.

For the sleep schedule - it really does not matter what your sleep schedule is, but what your child's is. For the first three months, ours had days/nights confused and it was a bear. Ours did not sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time without waking up for a feeding, so if you are cool with 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, you may be fine. I can say that it sucked.

As for the wolf thing - no idea what you are referring to there. Never bothered me at all, but did bother my wife that strangers will come up to her and try to pat her belly. Just weird.

Other advice - for the first few months, you will probably not go out all that often. All you need are onesies for a while. Don't get a lot of clothes in the same size - they grow out of them very, very quickly. We have newborn stuff that was never touched. If you have a shower, everyone will get you newborn clothes, so go out and buy yourself some 3 and 6 month clothes now.

Oh yeah - it's really, really hard work. No matter how much you prepare or think you are prepared, you just aren't. It will be harder than you can imagine at first. But it does get easier. And nothing beats it.
 
2012-10-08 01:16:37 PM  

Publikwerks: Temporarily Qualmless: Raise a puppy together, before you get started on raising a kid together.

If she's pregnant, it's a bit too late for that.


They've got nine months. You can raise a puppy in nine months.
 
2012-10-08 01:17:01 PM  

grinding_journalist: Guys: Is the whole "I am a wolf that will protect the den mother at all costs" feeling of overprotectiveness "a thing"? I've read about it many times, but nobody seems to be citing it here. Someone mentioned that everybody loves a pregnant woman and wants to touch their belly; even at this distance, I don't know if I'll be comfortable with that, and I fear I'll become actively hostile to others as the pregnancy progresses.


I would ask your wife about that. What bothers her? She may not know yet. She may find that well meaning people wanting to touch her belly make her uncomfortable, but that having her husband rebuff them in public makes her even more uncomfortable. However, your feelings are normal and understandable.
 
2012-10-08 01:17:59 PM  

one0nine: Stated elsewhere, but I can't stress it enough... GET A CRIB MONITOR. We used one of the ones with the motion and audio sensor, and it gave us a fright once or twice when our daughter moved away from the center of the mattress, but ultimately it was more than worth the investment.


How many genuine alarms did it give you - in other words, how many times did it save her life?
 
2012-10-08 01:18:30 PM  
Remember: If your child isn't popping, don't feed them laxatives. Make them eat prunes. You will be surprised how effective they work.
 
2012-10-08 01:18:48 PM  
It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.
 
2012-10-08 01:19:05 PM  
Buy a dog that enjoys baby puke. Our son had stomach issues and around 1/4 of every feeding ended up on the floor. The dog was a lifesaver!
 
2012-10-08 01:19:14 PM  
way to slip one past the goalie, subs.
 
2012-10-08 01:19:46 PM  
Everything they tell you at the hospital is wrong.
 
2012-10-08 01:20:04 PM  
Your marriage, your relationships, and your life has forever changed. There is nothing you can do about this.

As long as you anticipate and accept this, an overwhelming majority of that of that change is good
 
2012-10-08 01:20:20 PM  

th0th: The baby monitor becomes a Pavlovian device.


I could never see the point of baby monitors? Why arrange things so that an upset baby has to be wake enough to cry to get your attention? If you have her in the room with you or with the bed with you, you can respond to the first snuffle and sooth things down long before you get to full-on bawling stage.
 
2012-10-08 01:21:10 PM  
My first was at 20, second at 40. Just when you think it's all over, you get to do it all over. Both are girls, and oldest has three girls of her own.
 
2012-10-08 01:21:31 PM  
My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?


/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.
 
2012-10-08 01:21:59 PM  
Given the rising cost of raising a child, you may want to think twice about the whole concept of "retirement"

/congrats though
//best wishes for a healthy pregnancy for your wife
 
2012-10-08 01:22:16 PM  
1. Do not bubblewrap your spawn. No childhood is complete without a bloody nose or two, cuts, bruises and even a scar or broken bone.

2. Do not give them a sense of entitlement. Nobody owes them anything, life is unfair and the kid down the street will probably have more than him. Let the spawn learn to deal with it.

3.Occasionally say no even if you do not have to.

4..Because you said so is a perfectly acceptable reason that requires no further explanation.

5. Make sure the spawn behave in public

6. Spanking is OK. The spawn's frontal lobe won't even be fully developed for a couple of decades. They will be driven largely by hormones and instinct instead of common sense so they won't always respond to reason.
 
2012-10-08 01:22:49 PM  

Mayhem of the Black Underclass:
On toddlers, they have no concept of time, none, seriously. Just add 30 minutes to your schedule now. They don't want to put their shoes on in the manner you proscribe or in the time frame that you've allotted.


This can also be used to your advantage when they beg to stay up 10 more minutes.
 
2012-10-08 01:22:57 PM  
Buy a really expensive, high-quality mattress cover for your bed.
 
2012-10-08 01:24:04 PM  
Oh, and since this is Fark:

i216.photobucket.com

/requisite snark
 
2012-10-08 01:24:59 PM  
As the father of 4 children ranging from 15 to 7 years old, there is one piece of advice that I wish I had never gotten, as it cause me more frustration and pain than anything else that happened while raising my kids.

DON'T TAKE ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

It's a waste of time. You will be better off figuring things out for yourselves.
 
2012-10-08 01:25:16 PM  

tonguedepressor: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely, therapeutically there's no danger involved.



Proper punctuation is important
 
gja
2012-10-08 01:25:26 PM  

Random Discord: Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.

I like that idea. tricycleracer: Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.

Sage advice.

Indeed.


What are you? Mormonencrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com?
 
2012-10-08 01:25:32 PM  
You should have conceived this baby with someone else...
 
2012-10-08 01:25:46 PM  
Go out for a night on the town. It will be the last, for the next 18yrs.
 
2012-10-08 01:25:59 PM  
do your best to live vicariously through them. You never made the cheerleading squad? Your daughter will or her life has no worth
 
2012-10-08 01:26:29 PM  

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


Try a different Doctor-seriously
 
2012-10-08 01:26:29 PM  

Falin: As the father of 4 children ranging from 15 to 7 years old, there is one piece of advice that I wish I had never gotten, as it cause me more frustration and pain than anything else that happened while raising my kids.

DON'T TAKE ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

It's a waste of time. You will be better off figuring things out for yourselves.


Bah, this doesn't make sense. You know what I mean.
 
2012-10-08 01:26:43 PM  

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


Go see a different doc. Sounds like croup.

Cold air seems to help. So does steam from the shower. Make milkshakes of pediasure and a frozen banana, maybe a squirt of chocolate sauce to make it extra yummy. And push the fluids.
 
2012-10-08 01:27:10 PM  

Surool: 4) baby stuff is expensive, start saving now. Like everything else, the cheap products fall apart, and the most expensive ones are for suckers.


(a) You need very little

(b) Buy the good stuff on eBay, used, for half the price of the cheap stuff, new.
 
2012-10-08 01:27:54 PM  
Ok, I was literally the most unprepared person to have a kid and my wife and I just had our first 6 weeks ago. So if there is anyone to prepare your for the next 10 months it's me.

-Your wife might get very tired and want to go to bed really early for the first 3 months (and likely beyond that). You will likely end up with a lot of alone time at night during the pregnancy. Use this time to do the hobbies you love. You wont get to do them once the little one gets here. In the first six weeks I have gotten 3 hours total to myself.

-Your wife will get crazy during pregnancy and say the most bat shiat crazy things you can possibly imagine. This however, is nothing compared to the hormone changes that occur after the kid is born. She gets even crazier.

-You learn more about being a good parent from the nurses that help deliver your kid than any stupid class your wife will sign you up for.

-As if the first two wont put enough strain on your relationship the only chance you will have to sleep well is if you split up the night time duties and sleep in separate rooms.

-Don't go bragging about how your kid sleeps 6 hours a night right off the bat. It will change. He is exhausted from being ejected from the womb. Give it a couple weeks then he'll be eating every 3 hours at least if you are formula feeding. If you are breast feeding then your wife is farked. Assuming you formula feed it will take you a full hour to change him/feed him/put him/her back to sleep. So if you're lucky you get to sleep those two hours.

-Just because they are sleeping doesn't mean they are quiet. They make a lot of noises when they sleep. You will be sleeping very light just waiting for them to wake up into a complete meltdown.

-Don't sweat how the baby eats the first couple of weeks. They may eat very little in their feedings the first few weeks and then pass out. My wife and I freaked out thinking he wasn't getting enough nutrition because the doctors told us he needs to get 2 ounces in every time he eats. They might and they might not. But they will eventually and then you'll find out sooner than later they need 3 then 4 ounces to feel satisfied.

-Haters gonna hate and babies gonna cry. There is just nothing you can do about that sometimes. It's the only way they can communicate. What gets them to calm down is going to change every day. You can try the following: Change their diaper, swing them in your arms, swaddle (wrap them in a blanket) them up, let them lay on your cheat, let them lay next to you, walk around with him, talk to them, sing to them, sssshhhh them, take them in the bathroom and turn the fart fan on, give them something to suck on, give them more clothes, give them less clothes, rock them, shoot yourself because nothing works and they just have to cry it out.

-Everyday the "experts" are figuring shiat out on how to make us better parents and keep our kids safer. shiat that we've been doing for 100 hundreds years like powdering a babies ass is no longer safe because of the dust that can get in their lungs. But really when it comes to your kid there are no rules. Eventually you'll figure out what your kid needs and wants and everything else out there that has been written wont apply.
 
2012-10-08 01:28:08 PM  

hasty ambush: 1. Do not bubblewrap your spawn. No childhood is complete without a bloody nose or two, cuts, bruises and even a scar or broken bone.

2. Do not give them a sense of entitlement. Nobody owes them anything, life is unfair and the kid down the street will probably have more than him. Let the spawn learn to deal with it.

3.Occasionally say no even if you do not have to.

4..Because you said so is a perfectly acceptable reason that requires no further explanation.

5. Make sure the spawn behave in public

6. Spanking is OK. The spawn's frontal lobe won't even be fully developed for a couple of decades. They will be driven largely by hormones and instinct instead of common sense so they won't always respond to reason.


that's no way to teach your child logic and reason. An argument from authority isn't a good reason for your child's beliefs
 
2012-10-08 01:29:38 PM  
If you have been putting something off that you really wish to get done, put it off no longer.

My 18 month old is currently hitting the dog with a plastic hammer. Where TF did she get a plastic hammer?
 
2012-10-08 01:29:47 PM  
don't be too harsh with them when they inevitably fark up.

Once mobile, they will always be mobile, and nothing will ever stop them.

And, last, now that my daughter is >18years, I've found that being a parent hasn't stopped, and I don't expect it to. So, with that being said, it really is a lifelong commitment and they will always come to you to cry on your shoulder, ask for a hug, and then hit you up for your wallet.
 
2012-10-08 01:29:48 PM  

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


Ultrasonic humidifier (the heated ones put out less water and crust up with minerals and mold more quickly). You can use sheets or shower curtains to make a tent over her bed with the humidifier inside. Helped my oldest when he was about that age, but his symptoms only lasted 2 or 3 days.
 
2012-10-08 01:29:48 PM  

Crewmannumber6: tonguedepressor: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely, therapeutically there's no danger involved.


Proper punctuation is important


meh, copy pasta
 
2012-10-08 01:29:59 PM  

Richard Flaccid: 1) Keep a $100 bill in your pocket during the delivery.
2) Immediately after birth, slip it to the doctor.
3) Without your wife hearing you, say "extra stitch" to the doctor and wink.

/never had a kid
/not even sure if they stitch?


thumbs.anyclip.com

/obscure?
 
2012-10-08 01:30:18 PM  

RobDownSouth: Sooner or later your child will walk
Sooner or later your child will come into your bedroom and wake you out of a sound sleep to tell you they "don't feel good".
IMMEDIATELY cover your head to avoid the intense spew of vomit that will follow within the next 5 seconds.
Trust me on this.

/bitter experience
//lactose intolerant kiddos
///barf-o-rama
////slashies!


I actually remember doing this exact thing when I was about eight.
 
2012-10-08 01:31:20 PM  
I haven't read the whole thread but if this hasn't been covered, when changing a boy make sure you have the clean diaper ready to cover him up before he squirts all over you.
 
2012-10-08 01:31:21 PM  
No kid dies from crying.
Better to let the kid cry and learn a lesson, than repeat it all over again.

The kid will eat when it's hungry.
Don't commit greater sins to get the kid to eat healthy food (ranch dressing, cheese sauce)

The last half-hour, before bedtime is theirs - no phone, tv, computer - life will wait for a half-hour.

Yes, they get up too early, but the best bonding is playing with them on the bed.

Don't miss a chance to tell them that you love them.
When it warrants it, tell them that you're proud of them.
 
2012-10-08 01:31:43 PM  
'The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight' by Kim West. If you start from the beginning, you'll only have to read the chapter on newborns, and your kid will learn to sleep like a champ. My 18 month old sleeps 12 hours every night since she's 6 months old with rare exceptions. Don't put the baby in bed with you, it's so dangerous, and it creates bad habits. Life threatening situations aside, don't let yourself become a helicopter parent-let your kid explore and learn on their own, bumps and bruises happen, it's not the end of the world. Keep your marriage a priority, it's very easy to forget how important it is. Your wife won't be interested much in sex for a while, but keep reminding her that you still think she's attractive and that you're interested still.
Congrats and good luck...it's so much fun watching your little person learn everything...enjoy it!
 
2012-10-08 01:32:00 PM  
This thing is badass. I mean, c'mon, it's a full-body vibrating chair. I wish I had one for me.

This was cool for about two days. Then it becomes a pain in the ass to reset a timer after doing things instead of telling each other you did something.

Someone said this earlier, but make your own baby food. It's simple to do: make some food, take out two servings (for you and your spouse), blend the rest to a good baby food consistency, freeze it. We could get anywhere from 10-18 servings from leftover dinners depending on what it was.

Get a diaper bag that is easy to carry while also carrying a 8+ pound infant in a 6+ pound carrier.

Take every free sample you can get your hands on, especially from the hospital. We left the hospital with about 4 packs of newborn diapers and 30 bottles of ready to feed formula (and 3 swaddle blankets).

Register for Huggies and Pampers reward points. If you're going to use their products, you might as well get some free stuff in the process.
 
2012-10-08 01:32:50 PM  

grinding_journalist: Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

As far as sleep goes, I am a night person, while my wife is a morning/day person. I'm usually up till about 2-3am anyway, and she's usually up by about 530-6 after going to be around 10. Am I crazy in thinking this will also be very helpful?

This works in theory - your mileage may vary.

I've already received flak from bro and sis about "not just dumping my kid on mom" (theoretical kid, this was months ago and they don't know yet, nobody does- except this thread) which was never my plan, but I am glad that I have familial support locally. Alongside this, my wife's BFF has a 6 month old, and she's been her ... Tell your siblings to go pound sand because after the babby arrives, you might need a restraining order to keep the grandmas away.

Just saying. 

And congrats!
 
2012-10-08 01:32:51 PM  
As a fellow father-to-be, this thread is a definite bookmark. Keep the tips coming!

/may 13th!
 
2012-10-08 01:33:48 PM  
For Pete's sake, have an MD in the room when your child is born. Even the most textbook easy pregnancy (like Mrs. Pilates') can have a bumpy landing. You don't have to needlessly fear anything going wrong. But on the off chance something DOES go sideways towards the end, you need a doctor, not just incense and good vibes.

Also, a good piece of broad advice I received, and this was actually helpful for me: Learn to surrender control. Sometimes you'll just have to.
 
2012-10-08 01:34:00 PM  

Falin: Falin: As the father of 4 children ranging from 15 to 7 years old, there is one piece of advice that I wish I had never gotten, as it cause me more frustration and pain than anything else that happened while raising my kids.

DON'T TAKE ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

It's a waste of time. You will be better off figuring things out for yourselves.

Bah, this doesn't make sense. You know what I mean.


No, I liked it... It sounded ultra-meta.
 
2012-10-08 01:34:02 PM  
Two pieces of advice:

1.) Just because you talked and decided that you could handle the extra work, responsibility, and expense of a baby doesn't mean you won't have twins. Twins are more common than you think, and no one plans for them, and they will OWN YOU.

2.) Your life is going to change more than you can imagine, and more than anyone can sufficiently describe. When we went to the hospital I packed video games, books, and patent bar study materials in preparation for what I thought was going to be a two week break vacation from work. I used none of them. What followed was the seven most hellish days of my life, not due to any complications or economic considerations or anything like that, just the sheer amount of attention and upkeep that newborn babies require coupled with the terrifying reality that they are FRAGILE LITTLE PEOPLE. Imagine sitting awake at 5AM watching your wife hold a baby(or possibly two), and trying not to fall asleep because you've been told not to let the babies sleep in moms bed. But if mom puts the babies down they cry. So dad has to stay awake and watch mom sleep. For three straight days. Now, I'm not saying this is required or rational, but your brain will be operating in a such a state of stress and paranoia that this will seem like a reasonable solution.

Good luck.
 
2012-10-08 01:34:30 PM  

Geotpf: RobDownSouth: Sooner or later your child will walk
Sooner or later your child will come into your bedroom and wake you out of a sound sleep to tell you they "don't feel good".
IMMEDIATELY cover your head to avoid the intense spew of vomit that will follow within the next 5 seconds.
Trust me on this.

/bitter experience
//lactose intolerant kiddos
///barf-o-rama
////slashies!

I actually remember doing this exact thing when I was about eight.


Oh yuck. Memories. Little kids will run to you for comfort as soon as they feel the pukey feeling. You will be showered with puke every time. The best way to handle puke is to tag-team it. The puked-on parent gets to clean up themselves and the puke, the other one gets to clean up and comfort the kid.

On that note, keep LOTS of extra bedding and jammies clean and handy for the nights where they puke faster than you can run laundry.
 
2012-10-08 01:35:01 PM  
Oh dear. Having said that you shouldn't listen to advice, I keep giving it. Oh, what the hell. Here's another.

Baby slings are wonderful. They give the father a chance to get something of the same physical bonding as the mother, and are also very, very much easier than a pushchair. Get a good one, though, because there is some awkward rubbish out there. I used a Baby Bjorn and it was without doubt the best bit of baby equipment we had. Goes on in seconds, lasts the first year (three months facing in, nice months facing out) and extremely comfortable for both parties.

4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-10-08 01:36:45 PM  
The baby's fingernails and toenails may look ingrown. They really aren't. This is normal.
 
2012-10-08 01:36:46 PM  

NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.


done in 1.
 
2012-10-08 01:36:48 PM  
Ooh, another thing: Enjoy the little things later on in the pregnancy. Impulsive trips to the store or a night away. Do a tour of all your favorite restaurants, which mama will appreciate. Your life and fun times don't end with a child, they just require a lot more planning and strategy.
 
2012-10-08 01:36:49 PM  

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


How has your relationship been with this pediatrician? Did they explain why they are doing what they are or aren't doing? Give you therapy options for your daughter's cough? I know first hand that some pediatricians should have either retired or never started a practice in the first place. Basically, if you don't feel comfortable with them, move on.
 
2012-10-08 01:37:37 PM  

Gwendolyn: If you are having a girl, be prepared to figure out how to get liquid poop out of a teeny tiny vagina. WHY DOES NO ONE TELL YOU THAT?


img.metro.co.uk
 
2012-10-08 01:37:46 PM  

ModernPrimitive01: hasty ambush: 1. Do not bubblewrap your spawn. No childhood is complete without a bloody nose or two, cuts, bruises and even a scar or broken bone.

2. Do not give them a sense of entitlement. Nobody owes them anything, life is unfair and the kid down the street will probably have more than him. Let the spawn learn to deal with it.

3.Occasionally say no even if you do not have to.

4..Because you said so is a perfectly acceptable reason that requires no further explanation.

5. Make sure the spawn behave in public

6. Spanking is OK. The spawn's frontal lobe won't even be fully developed for a couple of decades. They will be driven largely by hormones and instinct instead of common sense so they won't always respond to reason.

that's no way to teach your child logic and reason. An argument from authority isn't a good reason for your child's beliefs


Did you miss the part where their frontal lobe is not fullly developed and they don't respond to logic and reason anyway?
 
2012-10-08 01:37:51 PM  

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.


Yup. Don't uncork the champagne until you've passed this landmark. Tons of pregnancies auto-terminate within the first few months. It's fairly normal but unfortunately near taboo to talk about.
 
2012-10-08 01:37:56 PM  

Sneakytoes: The people at the hospital can be assholes. Don't let you push them around. Example - I was having huge problems getting my baby to latch on, she finally started to, and a nurse swooped in and took her away because it was time for the pediatrician to look at all of the babies. I was alone and too whacked out to fight back. Asshole.


Be prepared for this! My baby-having friends say next time they will make sure there is someone (family member or midwife) who knows what they want and will stand up for them. It isn't about going against a doctor's advice or anything, but little things like what you mentioned that don't matter to the nurse or baby but are a huge deal for the parents. (i.e. I want to hold my baby before he/she is swooped away/cleaned off/etc.)
 
2012-10-08 01:38:07 PM  
Oh, also on my way now to the first ultrasound. Gotta tell myself to pay attention to driving!
 
2012-10-08 01:38:30 PM  
grinding_journalist: To the guy that said "this thread sucks, didn't know FARK was reddit lite",


I guess that's me, since we're the only ones who've mentioned Reddit in this thread so far.

Let me tell you what I actually said:

"This advice thread is another example of the types of things I'm seeing on Fark which seem better suited for Reddit. Why is Fark trying to turn into Reddit?"


Didn't say the thread sucked. Didn't say Fark was "reddit lite". I asked why Fark was trying to turn into Reddit. This doesn't disparage you, since you don't control what gets on the front page (as users on Reddit do). This is more of a comment pointed at the Mods. Since I've used BOTH sites for years (and have been behind the "Total Fark" curtain a few times), I can say that this is not the type of post that I've seen much on Fark.... until the last couple months.
 
2012-10-08 01:39:35 PM  
Listen to your gut.

Recommended parenting methods, when to feed what, whether to sleep with your child...all of it constantly changes. Chuck the parenting books and do not get into that awful parenting competition that so many young parents seem to be engaged in these days.

Your child will proceed through life at their own pace assisted by you. Other parents will attempt to draw you into that horrid business of "Johny was fluent in Greek at age three but...I am sure Sue will speak someday" Ignore that crap and enjoy your child.

Do not make childhood a boot camp. Play, go outside and trust. Free range the kidoid as much as possible. It helps develop a sense of confidence and a spirit of exploration.

Take time to appreciate the small stuff. It goes by fast.

My grandmother always called babies "little strangers" and I think she's right. Respect the fact that your child is not you nor is your child there to make up for those things you didn't get to do. You may have wanted a pony and tragically grew up without one. Your kid might not want a pony. Your kid is someone you are lucky to know. Remember that....even when you want to kill them.

There will be times when you don't like your kid but I hope you will always love them. These moments can come up at any time but it's hard to get through the teens years without it happening at least once. You haven't failed. If we always liked our children and they always liked us they'd never move out!

My baby is now 31 and he has twin six year old girls. My middle daughter is 33 and has a three year old daughter. My oldest daughter has twins, a boy and girl who are 18 months. If you are lucky enough to one day have grand children you will be able to enjoy a whole new aspect of parenting.

It's like dessert! You can do all the fun things with the kids and worry little about the tougher aspects. Walks in the woods, coloring, cooking, showing them The Three Stooges, teaching them to whistle and a thousand other things. For me, despite always feeling I was a lousy parent or that I could have done better I knew one day that I had done well.

My son was in the kitchen with his step daughter and she was being whiny about dinner. He looked at her and told her, "This is a kitchen, not a restaurant. I've made a reasonable dinner and if you don't like it you don't have to eat it but there will be no alternate meal prepared for you" My son exited the kitchen and saw me grinning at him. He smiled and said, "damn mom...that was you coming out of me...maybe you weren't so bad!"

Follow your gut and love with every fiber of your being....you will be fine. Congrats to you, your wife and the little stranger who chose you as his or her parents!
 
2012-10-08 01:39:46 PM  
My advice is not so much things we didn't do that we wish we did, but some things we did do that I'm really glad for.

1. Breast feed - this is pretty obvious. If at all possible, do it. There are long-term benefits for both the baby and the mother.

2. Baby sign - We didn't go overboard with this, but just a couple important signs. First and most important was "milk". Just sign and say "milk" every time you feed her. Eventually they'll pick up on it and start using it when they are hungry instead of crying and screaming. Later signs were "eat" and "toilet". Those three signs saved us an incredible amount of grief. She could communicate when she was hungry or thirsty or dirty instead of having to cry in frustration.

3. Talk to your baby normally - We constantly talked to our daughter. From day one we'd just talk, explain everything we were doing using full sentences. We'd use a higher pitch [since they do respond to that] but we didn't use baby words like 'baba' for 'bottle' or anything. We used the proper words and complete sentences. While I can't *prove* it, I think this went a long way to helping develop her intelligence and speaking/reading abilities.
 
2012-10-08 01:42:05 PM  
Also

(7) There is no such thing as "child-proofing." You may think your living room is child-proofed, and then one day (and I really mean this happens in ONE FREAKING DAY) your furniture spontaneously transforms from obstacles to climbing walls.

As your child develops, previously irrelevant things become sudden hazards. Like movable screens on second story windows. Or the edges of tables, once your kid is tall enough to run into them. You just have to be ready as this universe of danger unfolds.

Speaking of which, here are some obvious baby-proofing tips:

*) Hang up keys. The hazard isn't that baby will swallow the keys. The hazard is that baby will see you stick a key in a keyhole 1000 times, and will try to imitate you with an electric outlet.

*) Throw spare change in a jar. Pennies are possibly the worst choking hazard in your house, because they accumulate everywhere. It takes extra vigilance to keep those things away from your kid. We're lucky that our baby rarely ever put anything in his mouth, but you never know if his personality is going to change.

*) If you use a laptop, get one of those fancy twisty outlet covers. We use standard outlet blockers, and inevitably half of them are missing because we keep plugging in laptops. If you repeatedly plug something into an outlet, don't rely on your discipline, get a better outlet cover.
 
2012-10-08 01:43:37 PM  
Didn't read all the responses so these might of been covered:

- Your social life will take a major hit for about 4 years
- Good Babysitters are worth their weight in gold
- Take turns at night staying awake with the baby.

- Yard sales are your friend, you can get enough outfits for years for under a $1 each and start buying all sizes and keep them stored away for later.
- Once Upon a Child and Goodwill are great for filling out what you didn't find at yard sales.
- Baby Gap, and other 'baby' stores are a major rip off when they are this young, they will out grow whatever outfit you buy in 4 months.

- Sign up on all the major baby sites for their free programs, even if you don't really need them you can donate them to another family in the area.
- Go generic for diapers and formula, if your child can handle it

- When looking for new items (Strollers / Diaper Bags / Changing Tables / Cars / Houses) the first question you need to ask is "How much will this hold" You have no concept as to the amount of items that you will need to have available. Best thing to do is ask a friend who has a young child to borrow everything that you would need for an overnight trip. See if you can fit it all in your car. Do this as early as possible, it will help you prepare for what's coming.
-- Invest in either cargo pants or, as my wife really liked, a Survival Utilikilt so that you can become the portable diaper bag, and she doesn't have to carry everything. (The amount of stuff you can cram in the kilt was astounding)

- Take as many pictures and videos that you can. (Don't forget to back them up somewhere)
- Frozen meals are a godsend for the first few months
- Invest in a good baby monitor
- Start looking, now, for a day care

- Most of the jokes about diapers are true, but you get used to them fairly quick.
- When changing diapers, please remember to 'cover' the area if you are going to be away for more than 3 seconds.

- After the first few months have past, Force your wife to get out of the house with some of her friends to help remind her of life outside of the baby.

But most of all, its the most amazing feeling in the world to have your child sleeping in your arms. And all the stress and headache and aggravation is worth it in the end.

\ PS: Please if at all possible, keep your child at home for the first few weeks to let them get used to the outside world before you take them to Wally World
\\ Start thinking of baby names now.
 
2012-10-08 01:43:41 PM  

Embden.Meyerhof: grinding_journalist: To the guy that said "this thread sucks, didn't know FARK was reddit lite",


I guess that's me, since we're the only ones who've mentioned Reddit in this thread so far.

Let me tell you what I actually said:

"This advice thread is another example of the types of things I'm seeing on Fark which seem better suited for Reddit. Why is Fark trying to turn into Reddit?"


Didn't say the thread sucked. Didn't say Fark was "reddit lite". I asked why Fark was trying to turn into Reddit. This doesn't disparage you, since you don't control what gets on the front page (as users on Reddit do). This is more of a comment pointed at the Mods. Since I've used BOTH sites for years (and have been behind the "Total Fark" curtain a few times), I can say that this is not the type of post that I've seen much on Fark.... until the last couple months.


This is very much a typical TFDiscussion thread. Hence the ADVICE tag. Sometimes the TFDs with potential make it over here to literland so we peons can see what we're missing. They're easy to avoid - look for the FARK tag.
 
2012-10-08 01:43:55 PM  

Doubletwist-: 2. Baby sign


When I first heard people were doing this my first thought was 'Why the fark didn't someone think of this years ago?'
 
2012-10-08 01:44:05 PM  
 
2012-10-08 01:44:16 PM  
Also, one more safety tip I forgot:

*) Drink beer from a glass. If you drink beer from a bottle, your kid will eventually try to imitate you with random bottles.
 
2012-10-08 01:45:55 PM  

Doubletwist-:
3. Talk to your baby normally - We constantly talked to our daughter. From day one we'd just talk, explain everything we were doing using full sentences. We'd use a higher pitch [since they do respond to that] but we didn't use baby words like 'baba' for 'bottle' or anything. We used the proper words and complete sentences. While I can't *prove* it, I think this went a long way to helping develop her intelligence and speaking/reading abilities.


I completely agree with this. Someone said "kids are dumb" upthread. They aren't dumb... just naive, ignorant and need to be taught....but obviously have a huge capacity for learning. They are human from the start. If you teach them, they will learn.
 
2012-10-08 01:46:23 PM  

Yaxe: Remember: If your child isn't popping, don't feed them laxatives. Make them eat prunes. You will be surprised how effective they work.


They do work very well. After feeding them the prunes, put them in the bathtub (no water) until they poop. You will be amazed how well the prunes work.

/Did I mention the prunes work very well?
 
2012-10-08 01:46:34 PM  

factoryconnection: darwin


Congratulations. You won the lottery. On the other hand, we didn't. We're non smokers, we were both under 30, he was our 3rd child, breast fed, light sheets, firm crib mattress, he had a doctors check up 24hrs before his passing. So let me repeat this since some people can't clue in that SIDS stands for sudden infant deaths syndrome.. For the smitty, ignore Dr. Doolittle. Get the monitor. SIDS has an unknown cause. You can do everything right, and still end up in hell. Get the monitor.

4 months. 3 days. Jan 14th. 1999
 
2012-10-08 01:46:48 PM  

Doubletwist-: My advice is not so much things we didn't do that we wish we did, but some things we did do that I'm really glad for.

We used the proper words and complete sentences.

 

Now I understand how grammar nazi's are created.
 
2012-10-08 01:47:41 PM  
Oh yeah, don't nmae your baby something stupid. We'll all tell you it's creative and unique, but when you leave we'll mock you AND the baby.
 
2012-10-08 01:47:47 PM  

FooDog: NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.

Yup. Don't uncork the champagne until you've passed this landmark. Tons of pregnancies auto-terminate within the first few months. It's fairly normal but unfortunately near taboo to talk about.


God works in mysterious ways.
 
2012-10-08 01:47:56 PM  
You've just invited a very drunken midget to live in your home for an indefinite amount of time. This midget is so farking drunk that it will take YEARS to sober up and become a rational, coherent person.
 
2012-10-08 01:49:00 PM  

orbister: Don't put the baby in bed with you, it's so dangerous, and it creates bad habits.

Statistically there are no additional dangers in co-sleeping as long as you don't smoke, never share a bed with a baby after even the smallest amount of alcohol, and don't do it if you are particularly tired. As for bad habits ... what bad habits? Are we talking Sandusky here?


We had the best of both worlds - a flat bottomed small bassinette with mesh sides that fit right in between the pillows but was its own self contained unit. I like a lot of pillows and fluffy covers in the bed, and it's a water bed, so not ideal for cosleeping. The bassinet was an excellent compromise.

Also: YOU CAN NOT SPOIL AN INFANT. The sooner you respond to their needs in the first months, the more low maintenance they will be later on.
 
2012-10-08 01:49:02 PM  

imasig: Doubletwist-: My advice is not so much things we didn't do that we wish we did, but some things we did do that I'm really glad for.

We used the proper words and complete sentences. 

Now I understand how grammar nazi's are created.


Dear god. Did not need apostrophe.
 
2012-10-08 01:49:17 PM  
Don't be alarmed if the baby goes remarkably long times without taking a dump. Ten days of pee only is perfectly normal, fourteen is quite possible.
 
2012-10-08 01:49:22 PM  
Definitely try to get as much sleep now as possible. My daughter's 3 1/2 and has just recently started to sleep in on the weekends. When I say "sleep in" I mean she's not waking up until 6 or 6:30am instead of her usual 4-5am.

Also, keep in mind that all babies are different. They're all born with unique personalities and temperaments. So when you see that quiet, calm baby at the store just sleeping away in their stroller or carseat without a care...there's a good chance your baby isn't going to act anything like that. Always be prepared for at least one of your kids to be the mother of all demon seeds.
 
2012-10-08 01:49:37 PM  
n-a-m-e!
 
2012-10-08 01:51:27 PM  
Get this book.
ecx.images-amazon.com
 
2012-10-08 01:51:39 PM  
You haven't loved yet
 
2012-10-08 01:53:33 PM  

Spanky McStupid: grinding_journalist: Since you all are providing me with such specifics, I figure I can ask a couple questions, and outline my situation more clearly.

As far as sleep goes, I am a night person, while my wife is a morning/day person. I'm usually up till about 2-3am anyway, and she's usually up by about 530-6 after going to be around 10. Am I crazy in thinking this will also be very helpful? This works in theory - your mileage may vary.

I've already received flak from bro and sis about "not just dumping my kid on mom" (theoretical kid, this was months ago and they don't know yet, nobody does- except this thread) which was never my plan, but I am glad that I have familial support locally. Alongside this, my wife's BFF has a 6 month old, and she's been her ... Tell your siblings to go pound sand because after the babby arrives, you might need a restraining order to keep the grandmas away.

Just saying. 

And congrats!


And when the grandmas are there, they will neither notice nor care whether or not you are, as long as the baby is. Use this time wisely.
 
2012-10-08 01:53:38 PM  
Congrats. Kiss your old life goodbye and proudly welcome your new one. Other that the above, one of the more humerous pieces of true commentary I got was:

You will spend the first two years teaching them to walk and talk. Then next 16 will be spent telling them to sit down and be quiet.

And a random thought just hit me:
1) Print this thread and split the advice out from the snark, regardless of whether or not you think it's good
2) Keep track of what was good and bad advice so you can turn it into a book
3) Profit (and pay for college...)

/oh crap - I just found step 2...
 
2012-10-08 01:54:12 PM  

namegoeshere: We had the best of both worlds - a flat bottomed small bassinette with mesh sides that fit right in between the pillows but was its own self contained unit. I like a lot of pillows and fluffy covers in the bed, and it's a water bed, so not ideal for cosleeping. The bassinet was an excellent compromise.


That sounds like a very good idea. Some people have one-sided cots beside the parental bed so it's continuous at mattress level, which is neat. I was going to make one, but never got round to it.

Also: YOU CAN NOT SPOIL AN INFANT. The sooner you respond to their needs in the first months, the more low maintenance they will be later on.

And how. There is a weird sentiment around that the baby's only doing it to get attention. Well of course it's only doing it to get attention. It's a tiny, helpless and utterly vulnerable creature in a huge, confusing threatening world. It wants attention. It needs attention. And the parents' job is to give it that attention, instantly and without complaint at any time of the day or night.
 
2012-10-08 01:54:30 PM  

orbister: As for bad habits ... what bad habits? Are we talking Sandusky here?


Like they never want to sleep in their own bed. Having seen this happen, it's bad news. Put them in their own bed. The apart time is important for both child and parent.
 
2012-10-08 01:55:35 PM  
Hope its black

danieltosh.png
 
2012-10-08 01:55:56 PM  
I haven't read every comment, but my addition is:

Do not move the diaper out of the way until you have a wipe ready, or you may very well need to wipe yourself off, too.

I've been pooped on once, never peed on. The kids saved that for mommy and grandma.
 
2012-10-08 01:56:49 PM  
keep having sex, we did thru the 8th month.
and the thing i loved the most was reading to my kids, get lots of books
 
2012-10-08 01:56:51 PM  

Roy_G_Biv: Big Ramifications: Do not leave your laptop lying around. They rip the keys off the keyboard.

One day it will happen. At around 8 months. Strong wrists and tiny fingers.... overnight they become KEY RIPPING OFF machines. Must be like bubble wrap to them.

Haven't had that problem with either one, knock wood, but if you wear glasses get the frames that can be bent without hurting them. I did, my wife didn't, hers got bent beyond repair.

Also, keep one or more of your old cellular phones when you get new ones. After awhile mine didn't want to play with those fake toy ones anymore; they wanted to play with the real thing. Once you get your phone number removed, they can play with the old ones to their heart's content.


Until they hit 911...
 
2012-10-08 01:56:59 PM  
When it comes to shower gifts, all you need are diapers, a BOB stroller, a co-sleeper, and swaddling blankets. Your best friend should be diapers.com. They have free shipping, free returns, frequent sales, and they carry everything you'll need. Have friends give you gift certificates for diapers.com.

Also, sleep when the baby sleeps.
 
2012-10-08 01:57:28 PM  

namegoeshere: Geotpf: RobDownSouth: Sooner or later your child will walk
Sooner or later your child will come into your bedroom and wake you out of a sound sleep to tell you they "don't feel good".
IMMEDIATELY cover your head to avoid the intense spew of vomit that will follow within the next 5 seconds.
Trust me on this.

/bitter experience
//lactose intolerant kiddos
///barf-o-rama
////slashies!

I actually remember doing this exact thing when I was about eight.

Oh yuck. Memories. Little kids will run to you for comfort as soon as they feel the pukey feeling. You will be showered with puke every time. The best way to handle puke is to tag-team it. The puked-on parent gets to clean up themselves and the puke, the other one gets to clean up and comfort the kid.

On that note, keep LOTS of extra bedding and jammies clean and handy for the nights where they puke faster than you can run laundry.


This is good advice, until you have a second kid. Then, if one is puking, one of you handles everything to do with that kid. The other stays with the non-puking kid. If they aren't separated, then you've got two puking kids. You'll want to avoid that. Trust me, I know.
 
2012-10-08 01:58:21 PM  

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


First, find another pediatrician. Not eating and losing weight is not a good thing. Is she staying hydrated at least?

There's not a lot of cold meds you can give a 2.5 year old. You can try Hylands Cold & Cough 4 Kids. It's safe for children 2 and up. Also, are you running the humidifier at full blast day and night? You might also want to try vicks on her feet at night. Use the regular Vicks, not the baby stuff. Put it on fairly thick and put their socks on over it. Keep in mind, it will stain the sheets.
 
2012-10-08 02:02:31 PM  

vrax: orbister: As for bad habits ... what bad habits? Are we talking Sandusky here?

Like they never want to sleep in their own bed. Having seen this happen, it's bad news. Put them in their own bed. The apart time is important for both child and parent.


Also realize that reason there is even a discussion on this is because they might not want to sleep all alone in their crib to begin with. So it's easy to say put them in their own bed but if they start screaming the second they hit the bed and then fall asleep the second they make contact with you again you can see why a lot of people allow them to sleep in bed with them.

So yeah it's probably best to sleep alone but you will have to be ready to sleep even less and really work to get them to that point. Or it might not be an issue at all. They may sleep fine by themselves. Mine does not, and it's a constant battle of picking him up and comforting him and then putting him back down in hopes that he might be in a deep enough sleep to go a couple of hours on his own.
 
2012-10-08 02:02:36 PM  
There is only one manual of parenting you need. Seriously, it has everything you will ever need.

www.doobybrain.com
 
2012-10-08 02:03:15 PM  

indarwinsshadow: SIDS has an unknown cause. You can do everything right, and still end up in hell. Get the monitor.

4 months. 3 days. Jan 14th. 1999


Whoa, whoa! I wasn't the one that joked about "weeding out the weak ones." I said that the monitors provide a non-stop deluge of false positives, even the hospital ones, which doesn't help in the long run.

Also: I can't imagine what that was to go through, or what you still are carrying inside today. Seriously my heart goes out to you.

namegoeshere: Also: YOU CAN NOT SPOIL AN INFANT. The sooner you respond to their needs in the first months, the more low maintenance they will be later on.


This. Cuddle the f*ck out of that thing. They get big really quickly.
 
2012-10-08 02:03:42 PM  
Don't tell people for the first few months, just in case the pregnancy doesn't go as planned.
 
2012-10-08 02:04:32 PM  
It gets better.
 
2012-10-08 02:04:33 PM  
Boppy body for mom
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com

Boppy newborn for crotchfruits first few months
di1-2.shoppingshadow.com

Boppy normal for after
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-10-08 02:06:58 PM  
My advice: Put up a poster in the nursery that says:
Hungry
Wet
Tired

I was so sleep-deprived that I was not able to hold all three of those items in my head at once. "Well, he's either hungry, wet, or tired, but he just woke up and I just changed him... so what the fark is he crying about?"

I called this list my "crib sheet."
 
2012-10-08 02:07:05 PM  
I've been in pediatrics for twenty-five years. Of the infants who have died from SIDS in my practice, all of them did so in their parents bed. Never sleep with your infant.

Also, never try to make a child eat peas. They throw up too easily.
 
2012-10-08 02:08:07 PM  
I wish someone would have told me this, even though I'm sure I wouldn't have believed them at the time: You will have two children. Your wife will develop a mental illness that she will refuse to have treated because she will claim that she's not crazy, it's everyone else around her that has a problem. One day while you're at work, she will take all the money that you have saved, abduct your children and go into hiding in another state, falsely claiming she has been abused to receive all sorts of public benefits. It will take you a year to find them and another year to drag her through the court system to get custody of your children. In the end you and your children will be broke but happy. Bottom line: Put your children's best interests first. They will be the most important things in your life.
 
2012-10-08 02:08:39 PM  
If you get into the Cloth v. Disposable discussion with your wife:
1. Disposables
PRO: Convenient, no washing, unbeatable for travel.
CON: Ugly, will more expensive in the long run, don't breathe well and we saw a LOT more diaper rash

2. Cloth
PRO: Adorably cute (like overwhelming at times), they breathe better, and provide good cushion for falls
CON: The up-front expense, the washing, and you need a sprayer nozzle for the toilet

We are very happy with cloth after two kids' worth of disposables, but the edge is primarily the prevention of diaper rash and cuteness.
 
2012-10-08 02:08:45 PM  

RatOmeter: Falin: Falin: As the father of 4 children ranging from 15 to 7 years old, there is one piece of advice that I wish I had never gotten, as it cause me more frustration and pain than anything else that happened while raising my kids.

DON'T TAKE ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN FROM OTHER PEOPLE.FARKERS

It's a waste of time. You will be better off figuring things out for yourselves.

Bah, this doesn't make sense. You know what I mean.

No, I liked it... It sounded ultra-meta.

 
2012-10-08 02:09:24 PM  

EdNortonsTwin: My 2.5 y/o has had this nagging barking cough for over two weeks and doctors won't give me anything for it.

We can't sleep; my daughter is miserable; she hardly eats; losing weight - any advice?

/Other than strangling the Dr which I want to do.


Steam baths and/or get a personal steamer, put it in front of the TV and have him breathe into it. It'll loosen things up. My parents used it for my brothers severe asthma and allergies.

You may want to make a hot toddy as well, but a little bit of whiskey in it to soothe the throat.

Daughter may not be sleeping and possibly sick. A stomach virus maybe?
 
2012-10-08 02:11:00 PM  
Also, been stated already but bears repeating. Clothe diapers, whether you use them as diapers or not, should be stationed all over the house. They are excellent for burp clothes and general wiping up. And you will have lots of wiping up to do.
 
2012-10-08 02:11:03 PM  

madgonad: Get on a schedule.

It makes everything much easier. If one of you is a night owl and the other is a morning person - use that to your advantage. Share the responsibilities.

Oh, and get the Diaper Champ instead of the Diaper Genie. It seals everything up into a regular kitchen trash bad - which you won't run out of. Those strings of Diaper Genie turds frequently fail and cost tons of money.


This a thousand times. No moving parts either. We just had the second kid and we drug out the Diaper Champ we used with the first one (he's 5 now)

P.S. - enjoy the second trimester sex. It is the best sex.

This too. But also remember 6 weeks of nothing after the baby is born. Treat the wife really nice and make time for her and good times will come to all after the 6 week hiatus.
 
2012-10-08 02:11:06 PM  

imasig: vrax: orbister: As for bad habits ... what bad habits? Are we talking Sandusky here?

Like they never want to sleep in their own bed. Having seen this happen, it's bad news. Put them in their own bed. The apart time is important for both child and parent.

Also realize that reason there is even a discussion on this is because they might not want to sleep all alone in their crib to begin with. So it's easy to say put them in their own bed but if they start screaming the second they hit the bed and then fall asleep the second they make contact with you again you can see why a lot of people allow them to sleep in bed with them.

So yeah it's probably best to sleep alone but you will have to be ready to sleep even less and really work to get them to that point. Or it might not be an issue at all. They may sleep fine by themselves. Mine does not, and it's a constant battle of picking him up and comforting him and then putting him back down in hopes that he might be in a deep enough sleep to go a couple of hours on his own.


Definitely. Being aware is the most important thing. If they start to be unable to sleep alone in their own bed, correct it ASAP. You don't want to end up with a mobile child who will only sleep with you in your bed.
 
2012-10-08 02:12:42 PM  

DeathByGeekSquad: Don't tell people for the first few months, just in case the pregnancy doesn't go as planned.


well, maybe don't tell the mail man and the clerk at your grocery store, but I say tell friends and family. We did that and then lost one. And then did it again and lost another one. If they can't handle the facts of life and our reality then maybe we really aren't even friends.

And no one ever said "That is sad. I wish you wouldn't have told me so you can through the sadness of this loss on your own."
 
2012-10-08 02:13:30 PM  
Best advice that will apply at all times:

Bring a towel
Don't panic
 
2012-10-08 02:14:04 PM  

vrax:

Definitely. Being aware is the most important thing. If they start to be unable to sleep alone in their own bed, correct it ASAP. You don't want to end up with a mobile child who will only sleep with you in your bed.


how do you know we want?
 
2012-10-08 02:14:48 PM  
Bath every night - best advice I ever got. Tires 'em out and they sleep most of the night.

Plug 'em into Mom when they wake and you get some more sleep
 
2012-10-08 02:15:59 PM  

cfreak:
P.S. - enjoy the second trimester sex. It is the best sex.

This too. But also remember 6 weeks of nothing after the baby is born. Treat the wife really nice and make time for her and good times will come to all after the 6 week hiatus.


But plz plz plz do not get down on your wife if she is not ready for secksy time right on the 6 week dot. She will be exhausted, and her body will still feel off, flubby, gloopy, and out of shape - generally unsecksy. If she is breastfeeding, the boobies will be sore and leaky. She will be worried that you will notice a big difference down there. Give her time, and be supportive and loving. Don't force or pressure.

Take lots of showers. Help yourself out there.
 
2012-10-08 02:16:10 PM  

MisterSocksFox: My advice: Put up a poster in the nursery that says:
Hungry
Wet
Tired
Gassy
Cold


I was so sleep-deprived that I was not able to hold all three of those items in my head at once. "Well, he's either hungry, wet, or tired, but he just woke up and I just changed him... so what the fark is he crying about?"

I called this list my "crib sheet."


FTFM. If the baby awoke at night, I figured out that if I eliminated gassy (belly massage and football hold), cold (if it had squirmed out of swaddle/clothes) and wet (diaper check) I could avoid unnecessarily waking momma for food. Beyond those three, it is boob time.

If it is any other part of the day, yeah consider "tired." That's it, though... they're creatures of simple desires. I had solo care of both my first two kids from infancy through ages 4 and 2 in the evenings because of my wife's work schedule, so I eventually figured out and then got proficient with the checklist.

Note: you'll know if your baby is gassy in general; they don't hold back.
 
2012-10-08 02:17:31 PM  

busy chillin': vrax:

Definitely. Being aware is the most important thing. If they start to be unable to sleep alone in their own bed, correct it ASAP. You don't want to end up with a mobile child who will only sleep with you in your bed.

how do you know we want?


Well, you could want that. You might be certifiable, but sure, whatever.
 
2012-10-08 02:19:55 PM  

orbister: th0th: The baby monitor becomes a Pavlovian device.

I could never see the point of baby monitors? Why arrange things so that an upset baby has to be wake enough to cry to get your attention? If you have her in the room with you or with the bed with you, you can respond to the first snuffle and sooth things down long before you get to full-on bawling stage.


1) You will only want the baby-in-room setup for the first week, tops. Many of the major post-partum issues (aside from true medical complications) will arise in that first week. My wife and I NEVER did baby sleep in bed with us thing, simply because Every. Single. Parent. We knew had a harder time getting their kid to sleep in their bed later on than they did pacifier-breaking and potty training.

2) Eventually you will need to NOT respond to every sniffle and cry to soothe, because as with any learned behavior, it will spoil the child into bringing mom and dad running in just to see if they can. Full-on bawling for a newborn usually meant three things: I'm sitting in my own crap and I don't like it, I'm hungry and need food or I'm sick with an ear infection and need medicine. I drove myself apeshiat doing that the first month, getting up if I even heard the kid whimper, and it turned out to be a healthy, normal infant thing. When they were full-on crying, it was Time to Intervene.

Since my first had chronic ear infections, being able to hear when they were barfing was a needed thing, and by that time they were too big to sleep in the parental room bassinet. The swing (contrary to a doctor's recommendation, with the right pillow, a swing is often the only thing which will allow an ear-infected child to sleep) was often a godsend in those situations.

Also, having a basement home office and a 2nd floor nursery, I wasn't about to do work at night and run up for every little snort the kid made. You learn very quickly to decipher their vocalizations.
 
2012-10-08 02:20:06 PM  

imasig: -Don't go bragging about how your kid sleeps 6 hours a night right off the bat. It will change. He is exhausted from being ejected from the womb. Give it a couple weeks then he'll be eating every 3 hours at least if you are formula feeding.


It's all cool when people brag about how their newborn sleeps through the night...

... until the wellness checkup when the Nurse/Doctor says that the baby is really thin & underweight, and that they've been starving the child.
 
2012-10-08 02:20:46 PM  
At all costs, stop your wife from looking up medical advice on the internet. Also don't spend the money on a diaper genie, it's a glorified trash can. Buy diapers now, a case everytime you go into the grocery store, if you're not going cloth diapers, it'll save on the sticker shock.
 
2012-10-08 02:20:58 PM  

orbister: Don't put the baby in bed with you, it's so dangerous, and it creates bad habits.

Statistically there are no additional dangers in co-sleeping as long as you don't smoke, never share a bed with a baby after even the smallest amount of alcohol, and don't do it if you are particularly tired. As for bad habits ... what bad habits? Are we talking Sandusky here?


It's possible to roll over on a newborn and suffocate it without realizing...not terribly common, but absolutely awful, so probably best to avoid it. By bad habits i mean a kid who won't sleep in their own bed...My friend has a 3 year old who sleeps with them every night...no thank you!
 
2012-10-08 02:23:28 PM  
My grandfather gave me advice when we broke the happy news to him. He said, "The best thing to remember is that you don't have to know everything about everything right now. You grow as they grow." Basically, child #1 is a learning curve, and it's ok! Also, the Diaper Genie is a joke. Don't waster your money.