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(Fark)   Subby found out his wife was pregnant this morning. (Expected and planned.) Breeders: What's the one piece of advice you WISH you could have had on day one regarding your impending crotchfruit?   (fark.com) divider line 792
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4783 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2012 at 11:34 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-08 11:13:06 AM
Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.
 
2012-10-08 11:16:53 AM
My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.
 
2012-10-08 11:19:14 AM
Enjoy it.
It seems like it'll drag on forever, but it's gone in the blink of an eye.

/I have 5. Eldest is 21, youngest will be 11 tomorrow.
 
2012-10-08 11:19:37 AM
Get a paternity test.
 
2012-10-08 11:22:06 AM

NowhereMon: Sleep now. Prepare to no longer be the center of your universe, get used to the idea that you won't be seeing your childless friends as much any more. Be prepared to really truly understand the meaning of the word "responsibility". Forget about having a spotless clean house or nice stuff for the next 6-8 years. I hope that you didn't wait till age forty to do this like I did.

Haha, who am I kidding, there is no way to prepare for what you are about to go though. You'll be fine, you are not unique, most people do it at some point, just try to not be too abusive or neglectful.


All great advice. I waited until I was 42 for our first, my wife is older. Our daughter is 6 months old now. Ours HATED the bassinet and only slept in a swing for the first 4 months. Being new parents, we freaked out that something was wrong, etc. Eventually, you realize that the "books" you get and read prior to have children can essentially be thrown away and mean nothing and let your instinct take over. Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.
 
2012-10-08 11:28:07 AM
A couple other things: Don't listen to other people's horror stories, especially about childbirth. Don't overthink childbirth, as much as you want to make it a special experience or what ever you and your wife will barely remember it in a few years. Keep it simple to reduce the stress now.
 
2012-10-08 11:31:12 AM
vasectomies only hurt for a little while
 
2012-10-08 11:32:16 AM
Get one of those books that tells you what it's like to be pregnant and what it's like to have a baby. You'll probably freak out at a lot of things that just turn out to be normal and expected.

Get a Boppy pillow and bring it to the hospital. Get a swing.

After the baby is born, have someone run and get a box of donuts and coffee from Dunkin' Donuts or something similar. Bring it to the nurse's station on your hospital floor and tell them that it's for them as a thank you. Bring an empty duffel bag to your room after that.
 
2012-10-08 11:33:04 AM
Soak the beans!!!
 
2012-10-08 11:35:33 AM
Run
 
2012-10-08 11:35:43 AM
Your friends will be happy and excited for you. But they have limits - don't speak about the kid every minute you are with them because eventually they will kill you.
 
2012-10-08 11:35:47 AM
barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?
 
2012-10-08 11:35:51 AM
Found out the last time the UPS man was at the house.
 
2012-10-08 11:36:20 AM
Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.
 
2012-10-08 11:36:33 AM
Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.
 
2012-10-08 11:36:37 AM
Teach them to spearfish as early as possible.
 
2012-10-08 11:37:15 AM

NIXON YOU DOLT!!!!!: Don't tell anyone until around week 16. Miscarriages are a biatch.


This too
 
2012-10-08 11:37:45 AM
The ob shouldn't spike the kid in celebration; that's malpractice
 
2012-10-08 11:37:55 AM

Vodka Zombie: My dad always said that a second house with a second wife and no kids would probably have been the way to go.


Sage advice.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:00 AM
Instead of buying...

Rent to own.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:08 AM
Scietntific studies have show that pregnant ladies are 47% more likely to let you put it in their butt.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:19 AM
Abort!
 
2012-10-08 11:38:21 AM
Learn to swaddle like a champ. A tight swaddle works wonders at nap/bedtime. Practice now so you won't suck at it. (use a pillow to simulate a whiny baby)
 
2012-10-08 11:38:27 AM
Get a breathing monitor for the little one (for the first year). SIDS will destroy your life.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:32 AM
Nothing. Just do your best and enjoy every minute of it - even the bad stuff.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:35 AM

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


The only good diapers for newborns are pampers swaddlers, fyi. But yeah, what he said. Formula too if you're going that route.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:35 AM

Kuligula: . Oh - and prepare to care more about poop than you ever thought imaginable.


Or at least strangely not be as disgusted by it. Kids are older now, I'm disgusted by poop again.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:50 AM
Your job is to turn them into an adult, not to make them like you. They can like you in 20 years when they (hopefully) realize what you were doing.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:55 AM
They're not made of glass.
 
2012-10-08 11:38:56 AM
The mailman's sperm delivery service worked eh? Congratulations.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:09 AM

soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?


The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:21 AM
2.bp.blogspot.com 
/doesn't have kids
 
2012-10-08 11:39:33 AM
My wife and I waited, by choice, for 16 years to have our son (two years old now). I whats helpful can depend on your age. I was old enough to have a little more understanding of what other people go through with their children. That said, I would think "training" yourself on having patience is the big thing.

And on the poop thing - don't let it scare you. I was utterly repulsed at the prospect of having to clean another person's shiat. That ended the second my son was born...like flipping a switch. It was nothing.

Oh, and they're going to get dirty and they are going to hurt themselves. Some parents go off the deep end with respect to this. Be reasonable.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:40 AM

Vertdang: Start stocking up on diapers RIGHT NOW. Buy a pack or 2 every paycheck. You'll be glad you have that out of the way, when you need money for other things.


this is uber important...the sizing system is jacked up, my son never wore size 1. we stocked up on 3-5, when you are going through 5-15 per day, it is literally like wiping your bum w/ $50 bills
 
2012-10-08 11:39:46 AM
Get an abortion, because anyone who thinks of their little one as a 'crotchfruit' and calls other people who have children 'breeders' should not raise a child.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:51 AM

indarwinsshadow: Get a breathing monitor for the little one (for the first year). SIDS will destroy your life.


And that. Seriously. WORTH the investment.
 
2012-10-08 11:39:52 AM
We had twins 16 months ago. I have no idea what to tell you. I still haven't come to grips with this.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:06 AM
Stop reading this thread now and do whatever you think is right.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:13 AM
If the kid appears to be a little wiggle monster when changing a diaper use the floor, not the changing table. They can't fall off the floor.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:13 AM
I don't have kids. But I'll tell you what I told my dad: "Ha ha, your precious parenting plan didn't count on me turning out to be a spiteful, vindictive, ungrateful asshole, did it, genius?"
 
2012-10-08 11:40:35 AM

Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.


LGBT

/Fixed that for me
 
2012-10-08 11:40:40 AM
Every child is different, never compare your child to others. Plus those parents who never have any issues and their kids are the greatest things in the world........are farking lying. If you have a legitimate concern talk to a health professional or you'll worry yourself to death.

It's equally tough as it is enjoyable at first, then you learn to go with the flow.
 
2012-10-08 11:40:55 AM
don't
 
2012-10-08 11:41:07 AM
Don't wear good shoes to the delivery.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:08 AM
Ohhh I hate kids, but congrats! Having your first baby is totally exciting. Don't let us non breeders bully you too much!

/don't like kids- but don't dump on parents who do
 
2012-10-08 11:41:12 AM
Ignore all of the advice you get in this thread and just do what works best for you and your family.

We said we would never co-sleep and baby #1 would only sleep when he was in our bed. When you are tired it doesn't matter.

/baby #2 sleeps in his crib without problems. And yes, we were able to get baby #1 out of out bed how else were we able to make baby #2.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:15 AM

Fail in Human Form: soakitincider: barring a medical issue, everyone of reproductive age is a breeder. Where did that usage of the term come from anyhow?

The more militant members of the LTBT community use it as a slur against the rest of us.


"Like To Buy Things"?
 
2012-10-08 11:41:20 AM
Find out ahead of time what to say when she gives you the news.
Too late now.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:23 AM
Develop their critical-thinking skills by playing the game of occasionally telling them fabrications, tall tales or just plain lying. Make these stories completely outlandish when they're little and get more and more subtle as they get older. By the time they are adults they should be have a pretty good set of BS detecting skills. And they will never trust a politician or salesperson ever.
 
2012-10-08 11:41:50 AM
Buy a shampoo vac. Trust me.
 
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