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(Sun Sentinel)   It's the kind of crime that happens in offices everyday across the nation and it's anything but victimless: Lunch theft. "Wasn't that strawberry yogurt delicious?"   (sun-sentinel.com) divider line 56
    More: Sad, trade secrets, John Smith, Palm Beach County, offices  
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6548 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2012 at 2:49 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-10-05 03:01:20 PM
5 votes:
Humerous notes? How about, "if you are caught stealing you wll be fired on the spot. The state wll be advised not to offer unemployment compensation as the action of termination was the result of illegal ativity"
2012-10-05 03:10:10 PM
4 votes:
That guy who fills the entire floor with the smell of microwave popcorn should die.
2012-10-06 02:25:09 PM
3 votes:

Fissile: When I was in college, I had a part time job working for a dude who would bring a pickle to lunch every day. The rest of his lunch menu varied, but he always had to have that pickle. It got to be a joke with everyone who worked there...."Steve and his farking pickle".

One day I sneaked into his office and stole that pickle, showed everyone what I had done, and then flung it onto the roof of the building. Sure enough, when lunch rolled around, Steve came out of his office in an absolute rage, demanding to know who stole his pickle. I mean the dude was red in the face. We all were laughing until I told him that his beloved pickle was on the roof. I told him that if he liked pickles, he'd really like sun-dried pickles. What happened next none of us expected: Steve fired me on the spot.

Later that day I got a call from the business owner, and was told to come back to work on my next scheduled day. When I showed up for work, I found that Steve was still POed about his pickle, and he told me that he wasn't joking about firing me, and told me to get the fark out of the building. The owner overhead the yelling and came out of his office, turned to Steve and said, "Steve, fark you and your pickle."


I wonder if you'll ever recognize how you and the owner were the assholes of this story.
GBB
2012-10-05 04:30:59 PM
3 votes:
We had forensics trainees come in once and "investigate" a lunch theft. It was good training for them. They like to do weird, fun, practical training exercises here. They got to play around and collect and process evidence, tape off a crime scene, maintain control and custody of evidence, crime scene log, and other things they have to do on a real crime scene. We tell our trainees that we take lunch thefts seriously. Sometimes, it's awesome working in Law Enforcement.
2012-10-05 03:21:20 PM
3 votes:

robbiex0r: Vegan Meat Popsicle: I hate to be Debbie Downer, but just in case anybody thinks lacing anything actually is a good idea, not only are you likely to be fired for lacing your food if you get caught, you'll also likely face charges.

/ so be extra, EXTRA sneaky

I like 3 sliced Ghost Chilis on my roast beef, just like every other normal human being.


You could probably get away with that because ghost chilis can be called food.

I would love to be a judge in a case like this.

Me: I want the prosecutor and defendant to approach the bench.

Me: Defendant was that your sandwich?

Defendant: yes

Me: Prosecutor do you agree that was his sandwich?

Prosecutor: Yes

Me: Defendant I'm throwing this case out. It was your sandwich. You have the right to put whatever you want in it. If someone else gets sick from eating it, that's what they get for stealing your food.

Me: Prosecutor I'm fining you $500 because you wasted the court's time bringing me this case. Do it again and you'll get a $1000 fine and 30 days in jail for contempt of court. Case dismissed.
2012-10-05 03:13:03 PM
3 votes:
I'd also like to see the Lunch Thief and the Fish Microwaver fight to the death for my amusement.
2012-10-05 12:09:27 PM
3 votes:
After they fired the last guy they caught doing it, that shiat ended quick where I work.
2012-10-05 05:31:25 PM
2 votes:
I used to work with a guy who solved this problem with a kids lunch box.

Because everybody and their brother knows the who the guy is who brings his lunch in a kids lunch box and it would be pretty obvious in a hurry if somebody besides him were seen messing with it.
2012-10-05 03:19:29 PM
2 votes:

uncleacid: That guy who fills the entire floor with the smell of microwave popcorn should die.


SO MUCH THIS.

Look, I like popcorn as much as the next guy. But we might as well treat diacetyl like we do secondhand smoke. So if you plan on filling up my entire department with the impossible-to-ignore odor of "EXTRA BUTTER FLAVOR™," I'm probably going to slash your tires.

Besides. It makes me hungry, dammit.
2012-10-05 03:10:27 PM
2 votes:
Is this really a problem? I don't think we have such a problem where I work. But then I wouldn't know. Our problem is that people put their stuff in the refrigerator and leave it to turn into biology experiments. So when I take my lunch, I take it in an insulated bag and keep it at my desk.
2012-10-05 03:03:37 PM
2 votes:
next time there is one of those threads where people who love flaming hot anus pain brag at length about the various hot peppers they love to deep throat at the truck stop glory hole, take note of the most horrendous peppers so you know which to buy. hide them in assorted lunches and enjoy the fun.

/don't know why people think eating spicy hot food is so macho
//people are farking idiots
2012-10-05 02:59:53 PM
2 votes:
Set up a sting with a hidden camera. Email the resulting video to the entire office while you fire the person.
GBB
2012-10-05 02:56:07 PM
2 votes:
t1.gstatic.com
2012-10-05 02:53:55 PM
2 votes:
I hate to be Debbie Downer, but just in case anybody thinks lacing anything actually is a good idea, not only are you likely to be fired for lacing your food if you get caught, you'll also likely face charges.

/ so be extra, EXTRA sneaky
2012-10-06 06:52:13 AM
1 votes:
I worked as an executive assistant a while back, but did all the receptionist/front desk/liaison to pretty much everyone important-type work. People generally knew to be nice to me. I was trusted far enough by the CTO to where I actually had input on hiring (and, once or twice, firing). Basically, if you watch Suits, I *was* Donna... just without the awesome red hair. The pilot, where she leans back and looks at Harvey and shakes her head as interviewees came in? Done that. I pretty much ran the place when the execs were too busy.

So, yeah, this problem ended up being my mess to clean up. I ran gossip that the higher-ups were not happy (which was true, and doing that actually solved more problems than you think it might; dropping the right word into the right ear was always my first step). Second move, the posted warning on the fridge. Third move, the company-wide email sent from the CEO's account. And after THAT didn't work... a trip down to HR, a casually asked "I can put reeeeally hot sauce on my lunch, right?", and a few days later, someone choking on the hottest sauce I could get my hands on. And since everyone pretty much came by my desk to talk at one point or another (I kept a damn good candy bowl for that very reason), I knew within 30 minutes, The thief was fired in another hour.

ALWAYS make the lady at the front desk your best friend, from the second you walk in for your interview. 

/And if you're the admin, invest in really good bras
//Seriously, that works
2012-10-05 11:47:51 PM
1 votes:
Noticeably F.A.T.:

Yeah, when that episode came out it was the first thing I thought of. I did a cleanup of a house that had been foreclosed on as a side job and it wasn't nearly that bad. I think it was probably the 40 lb salmon wrapped in newspaper, sitting in there for a couple of months with the power off.

camutv.files.wordpress.com 

Colonizing other planets, accidentally.
2012-10-05 10:58:24 PM
1 votes:
Rather than hide food in a container marked "medical specimen", hide medical specimens in random food containers; food theft will stop really fast once the their chooses the wrong container a couple of times.
2012-10-05 09:03:37 PM
1 votes:
Most of these food thief revenge stories sound as legitimate as the letters to Penthouse Forum.
2012-10-05 08:18:07 PM
1 votes:
farm9.staticflickr.com

+

farm1.staticflickr.com

+

farm8.staticflickr.com

=

Problem solved 
2012-10-05 07:52:48 PM
1 votes:

BATMANATEE: Why are you surprised that law enforcement people would be entitled thieves?


Why do you smoke pot?
2012-10-05 07:05:28 PM
1 votes:

Bathia_Mapes: This is an ongoing problem at my workplace, especially after we hire a group of new employees. I think part of the problem is that not only are most of the new hires young people, but for many of them it's their first job. I think they see the fridge situation as being similar to their parents' or a friend's fridge, where no one minds if you eat or drink something. They have so sense of workplace behavior. Mind you, though, I'm not excusing their behavior in any manner because it boils down to being theft no matter how you look at it.

And a couple of days ago the theft expanded from being irritating to downright weird. One of my co-worker/friends has been bringing in a few ice packs to treat an injured ankle. She swaps them out a couple times a day as the ice pack starts to soften. When she went to swap out an ice pack she saw that someone had stolen them from the freezer section of the breakroom fridge.

Why in the hell would you steal ice packs? That makes no f*cking sense whatsoever.


New employees coming in is the situation that the practiced lunch thieves know will cover their increase in theft.
2012-10-05 05:26:05 PM
1 votes:
Our lunch thief has been fired. On to coffee... 12 people drink, but only 3 people considerate enough to make it. I'm one of the three. Now I make a pot in the morning & fill my thermos, which leaves about a cup & 1 less to make coffee. Chaos ensues as the 10 people play the "Wait for the dumbass" game.
.
1.bp.blogspot.com
2012-10-05 05:06:40 PM
1 votes:

Contents Under Pressure: In the early 1980s, I was a paralegal in San Francisco. We all knew each other. It was a small community. There was a rash of thefts of food brought in by secretaries and paralegals. The pay was OK, but not that great, and we couldn't afford to go out to eat lunch every day. One time I discovered my home made cornbread had a bite taken out of it and was put back in the bag.

I heard that a paralegal at Morrison and Forester made an ex-lax brownie and a partner had to call in sick the next day. I was not sure this was true or not, but I made a point of loudly presenting this narrative in the mail room next to the head partner's office, the lunch room and the lobby near the gossipy receptionist. IIRC other people were spreading the story around the other large law firms, thus reducing theft. The implication was that unflavored ex-lax could be put in anything.

I get paid well now, but the cafeteria food sucks and I don't feel like hassling with crowds to get crappy food. I bring in lunches. I had someone steal a portion of my lunch, so I sent out email saying that I generally lick my food or nibble on it before I pack it up. I discovered later that another bit of my lunch was gone and sent another message saying I hoped they enjoyed my saliva. Some of the guys in sales thought it was hilarious and sent me fan mail. I later figured out who the guy was and recalled him skulking around the office for a few days after. I suspect he felt sufficiently guilty that he stole something from a person he works closely with.

tl;dr: Lick your food. It's your saliva. It's not gross for you. Let people know you lick your food. If someone steals your food, remind everyone that you lick your food. At least you can get schadenfreude out of it.


You send email to everyone you work with telling them that you lick your food? Doesn't that make you feel like, well, a child?
2012-10-05 05:02:57 PM
1 votes:
GBB: We had forensics trainees come in once and "investigate" a lunch theft. It was good training for them. They like to do weird, fun, practical training exercises here. They got to play around and collect and process evidence, tape off a crime scene, maintain control and custody of evidence, crime scene log, and other things they have to do on a real crime scene. We tell our trainees that we take lunch thefts seriously. Sometimes, it's awesome working in Law Enforcement.

Kick ass. I would have loved to see that.
2012-10-05 05:01:42 PM
1 votes:
This has been an enjoyable but frightening thread.
2012-10-05 04:42:01 PM
1 votes:

GBB: Solution: stop bringing in lunch for a while... all of you. Nothing for him to steal, he's left to figure out an alternative source. Basically, treat him like a pesky bear that keeps getting into your trash. Except, you can't lock the refrigerator. And you can't shoot him with a tranquilizer dart and drop him off in the woods.


The hell I can't.
GBB
2012-10-05 04:37:34 PM
1 votes:

Great Janitor: Schmee: Great Janitor: I don't understand why I was the bad guy, the other guy was the lunch thief.

Vigilantes are often unjustly persecuted.

What pissed me off was that when I was asked why I put a McDonald's hamburger in the fridge with the center of the patty cut out and replaced with a napkin and coated the bottom bun in hot sauce that had to be ordered off the internet, I explained that I caught that son of a biatch stealing lunches. He asked "Why didn't I come to the HR people." I answered "Because those notes not to steal other people's lunches are viewed as suggestions to be ignored by lunch thieves." He told me that what we did was a gross over reaction. I responded with "Where do you keep your lunch? Next time I see him going for other people's lunches, I'll tell him that you are okay with people stealing your lunch." He said "Let me rephrase that, I don't like that people steal lunches, but it's not something to fire another person over, it's just your problem to solve by not spiking food." I said "So, I can steal your food, and I won't be fired for it, it would just be your problem to deal with." He said "Steal my food and I'll fire you." I said "So your food is special and stealing it is punishable with firing, but everyone else's, fark them?" He said that he'd deal with it. Later that afternoon was yet another memo reminding people not to steal food that isn't theirs and to stop putting booby trapped food into the fridge.

A week later the tainted food stopped, but I saw that jackass going through the fridge again. I saw him and asked "Do you think that sandwich is safe?" He looked at me and said "The memo told you to stop doing that." I said "It also told you to stop stealing food, and here you are..." He put the sandwich back.


Solution: stop bringing in lunch for a while... all of you. Nothing for him to steal, he's left to figure out an alternative source. Basically, treat him like a pesky bear that keeps getting into your trash. Except, you can't lock the refrigerator. And you can't shoot him with a tranquilizer dart and drop him off in the woods.

Or, booby trap your lunch with one of those extremely loud alarms: an alternative way to make him shait himself.
2012-10-05 04:30:04 PM
1 votes:

Schmee: Great Janitor: I don't understand why I was the bad guy, the other guy was the lunch thief.

Vigilantes are often unjustly persecuted.


What pissed me off was that when I was asked why I put a McDonald's hamburger in the fridge with the center of the patty cut out and replaced with a napkin and coated the bottom bun in hot sauce that had to be ordered off the internet, I explained that I caught that son of a biatch stealing lunches. He asked "Why didn't I come to the HR people." I answered "Because those notes not to steal other people's lunches are viewed as suggestions to be ignored by lunch thieves." He told me that what we did was a gross over reaction. I responded with "Where do you keep your lunch? Next time I see him going for other people's lunches, I'll tell him that you are okay with people stealing your lunch." He said "Let me rephrase that, I don't like that people steal lunches, but it's not something to fire another person over, it's just your problem to solve by not spiking food." I said "So, I can steal your food, and I won't be fired for it, it would just be your problem to deal with." He said "Steal my food and I'll fire you." I said "So your food is special and stealing it is punishable with firing, but everyone else's, fark them?" He said that he'd deal with it. Later that afternoon was yet another memo reminding people not to steal food that isn't theirs and to stop putting booby trapped food into the fridge.

A week later the tainted food stopped, but I saw that jackass going through the fridge again. I saw him and asked "Do you think that sandwich is safe?" He looked at me and said "The memo told you to stop doing that." I said "It also told you to stop stealing food, and here you are..." He put the sandwich back.
2012-10-05 04:24:46 PM
1 votes:

fortysix: Not lunch related, but I did have a colleague, a few years back, who would steal my pencils. This was in the trades, no office supply cabinet, my dime. Right in front of him, I stuck my pencils down my drawers, making sure the got plenty of ball-sack sweat on them. Fail, he kept stealing my pencils. He was a habitual pencil chewer, so a least it was funny.


Maybe he was just down for the salty taste of your bollocks?
2012-10-05 04:18:12 PM
1 votes:
I had someone in my office take my yogurt out my lunch bag, eat half and put it back in the fridge. At what point is food stealing simply trolling?
2012-10-05 04:16:51 PM
1 votes:
I kept Safeway sushi in my car, in the california sun for 3 days

then put it in the fridge

when it went missing, I felt vindicated in the horrors he was about to enjoy
2012-10-05 04:13:59 PM
1 votes:

Jument: I always enjoy these threads but seriously, some of you work in the worst kinds of hellholes imaginable.


you've obviously have been lucky enough to not work with idiots, don't worry your time will come
2012-10-05 04:13:56 PM
1 votes:

Great Janitor: I don't understand why I was the bad guy, the other guy was the lunch thief.


Vigilantes are often unjustly persecuted.
2012-10-05 04:10:53 PM
1 votes:

you have pee hands: Vinegar's also not poisonous. But I have no idea how you could open a bottle of vinegar and not smell it. Did the perpetrator have a nose?


Pop the cap and swig, and there's not really enough time to go "wait a second"...
2012-10-05 03:56:05 PM
1 votes:

Schmee:
stuff
- Do NOT tamper with sealed, refrigerated insulin, preventing the owner from using it to treat a medical condition. Yes, this too has been reported.
more stuff


What kind of sick fark messes with somebody's insulin?
2012-10-05 03:43:47 PM
1 votes:
Just like the TSA guy who's been stealing people's stuff at the airport security. Justification Nonsense 101. "We don't get paid enough so all bets are off on our behavior and conscience (apparently lacking)." Well, food thiefs have a special level of Dante's Hell reserved. Where to go on this planet?
2012-10-05 03:32:43 PM
1 votes:
A fellow I know was bringing bottled water in - labelled, so there's no doubt it was his.

It kept disappearing. He was pretty sure he knew who is was, but the guy denied it.

So, he very carefully opened one so it wouldn't show, and filled it with vinegar. Sure enough, the guy sprayed vinegar all over the office when he took a swig.

HR tried to give him shiat for putting that in there, but he managed to argue them down by pointing out they were tacitly condoning theft by preventing his efforts.
2012-10-05 03:30:07 PM
1 votes:

MaxxLarge: uncleacid: That guy who fills the entire floor with the smell of microwave popcorn should die.

SO MUCH THIS.

Look, I like popcorn as much as the next guy. But we might as well treat diacetyl like we do secondhand smoke. So if you plan on filling up my entire department with the impossible-to-ignore odor of "EXTRA BUTTER FLAVOR™," I'm probably going to slash your tires.

Besides. It makes me hungry, dammit.


I SECOND THIS SO MUCH THIS.

I cannot stand the smell of artificially flavored microwave popcorn. I cannot imagine eating that nasty shiat.
2012-10-05 03:20:48 PM
1 votes:
My "bosses" bring me free food and drink. sometimes it's fast food, sometimes it's a home cooked meal. No one ever steals from each other, and we get sick days whenever we need them. There are some major perks to being a partner in your own family's business. :)
2012-10-05 03:19:33 PM
1 votes:
Replace something like a boiled egg with Balut.

They will never steal food again AND you'll be able to track it down by smell.
2012-10-05 03:18:36 PM
1 votes:
Lance: Still got your sandwhich?
Vincent: Aw, man. You know what some farker did the other day?
Lance: What?
Vincent: Farking ate it.
Lance: Oh, man, that's farked up.
Vincent: Tell me about it. I had it in the fridge for three hours and some dickless piece of shiat farked with it.
Lance: They should be farking killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.
Vincent: Boy, I wish I could've caught him doing it. I'd have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It'd been worth him doing it just so I could've caught him doing it.
Lance: What a farker!
Vincent: What's more chicken shiat than farking with a man's sandwich? I mean, don't fark with another man's sandwich.
Lance: You don't do it.
Vincent: It's just against the rules.
2012-10-05 03:13:25 PM
1 votes:

vudukungfu: Bathia_Mapes:
Why in the hell would you steal ice packs? That makes no f*cking sense whatsoever.

Roids


Heh! & Ewwwwwww!

Don't think I'd want the ice packs back after that.
2012-10-05 03:08:22 PM
1 votes:

Bathia_Mapes: Why in the hell would you steal ice packs? That makes no f*cking sense whatsoever.


To keep your stolen lunch cool. Duh.
2012-10-05 03:06:32 PM
1 votes:
Here's another solution: Lunch left at your desk for a few hours won't kill you, particularly if you heat the crap out of it before you eat. (If anything, the low doses of mild bacteria buildup will make you much stronger when you inevitably encounter real food poisoning.) This whole mentality of MUST PUT EVERYTHING IN FRIDGE IMMEDIATELY OR I DIE boggles my mind. If it gets stolen off of your desk, you have much bigger problems at your office.

Although if you're prone to forgetting about your dairy-based lunch and grabbing it the next day because you're a total workaholic, you should probably ignore this advice.

/Has tried that when starving and yesterday's lunch in my backpack was all that as available. Did not turn out well. At all. Blech.
2012-10-05 03:05:26 PM
1 votes:
This happened to me just yesterday, and I was shocked at how pissed I got, though part of my annoyance came from the fact that Last week I was diagnosed as Diabetic and I'm trying to control it primarily nurtitionally with a low-carb regimine, so the food in that lunch was A) needed at precisely the time I went to go eat it and B) not easily replaced at the local drug store/ lunch eateries

Still, who the fark does this? It's nearly an automatic firing if you get caught and honestly how immature and callous do you have to be to think this is okay?
2012-10-05 03:01:05 PM
1 votes:
Stealing meals is a great way to find out who in your office writes the most passive-aggressive post-it notes.
2012-10-05 03:00:41 PM
1 votes:

Vegan Meat Popsicle: I hate to be Debbie Downer, but just in case anybody thinks lacing anything actually is a good idea, not only are you likely to be fired for lacing your food if you get caught, you'll also likely face charges.

/ so be extra, EXTRA sneaky


Prove it. I happen to LIKE my sandwiches with hidden habanero peppers in it, and i LIKE my ice cream with flakes of chocolate Exlax. It keeps me regular.
2012-10-05 02:59:06 PM
1 votes:
www.flux-rad.com
2012-10-05 02:57:05 PM
1 votes:
Does this actually happen? I've worked in half a dozen offices over the past 15 years and have never had my lunch stolen, or heard of anyone else who did.

The worst thing I ever saw was a co-worker take someone's lunch out of the microwave while it was cooking to put his own food in. He was caught immediately and ostracized and then shunned by everyone in the office until he quit a few weeks later (he was a dick anyway).
2012-10-05 02:55:45 PM
1 votes:
i2.asntown.net
2012-10-05 02:55:13 PM
1 votes:
my old program director at the radio station would leave a few TV dinners in the freezer in case he worked late but the weirdos who did overnights or weekends would steal them. Lacing several with syrup of ipecac made that stop real fast. Also too, the guy got fired because he left the board unattended which resulted in lots of dead air.
2012-10-05 02:54:30 PM
1 votes:
i.imgur.com
2012-10-05 02:52:42 PM
1 votes:
I always have a decoy lunch in the office fridge just for this purpose.

/laced with ipecac and prune juice

dilbert.com
2012-10-05 02:26:53 PM
1 votes:
Supposedly my co-workers are the worst at this... but since I don't eat lunch I've never dealt with it besides hearing everyone else biatch.

/but, why? If you know something's not yours, why grab it and eat it? Not kosher, dude.
2012-10-05 02:05:30 PM
1 votes:
2012-10-05 01:38:46 PM
1 votes:
media-cache0.pinterest.com
 
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