If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Sun Sentinel)   It's the kind of crime that happens in offices everyday across the nation and it's anything but victimless: Lunch theft. "Wasn't that strawberry yogurt delicious?"   (sun-sentinel.com) divider line 254
    More: Sad, trade secrets, John Smith, Palm Beach County, offices  
•       •       •

6552 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2012 at 2:49 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



254 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all
 
2012-10-05 03:09:44 PM  
Time for business to put security cams on the fridge.
 
2012-10-05 03:10:10 PM  
That guy who fills the entire floor with the smell of microwave popcorn should die.
 
2012-10-05 03:10:27 PM  
Is this really a problem? I don't think we have such a problem where I work. But then I wouldn't know. Our problem is that people put their stuff in the refrigerator and leave it to turn into biology experiments. So when I take my lunch, I take it in an insulated bag and keep it at my desk.
 
2012-10-05 03:10:36 PM  
There are ways to take care of it but you go to jail for them.
 
2012-10-05 03:11:44 PM  
I used to take things like soda, ice cream, yogurt etc. and leave the empty containers with I.O.U. post-its. The reactions were funny. No one suspected it was me just because I would regularly buy fairly expensive lunches for everyone.

My uncle had a problem with people stealing his lunch when he worked at a factory. He took advantage of the opportunity by mixing popcorn with dog food and labeling it Chinese popcorn. Someone ate most of it.
 
2012-10-05 03:12:10 PM  

Headso: The president of the company gets baked and will eat a bunch of chips out of the random communal bags we might have laying around and then not shut them back up but nobody will say anything because dude owns the company.


I have no clue what 'random' means in this context and I don't think you do either.
 
2012-10-05 03:12:25 PM  
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com
 
2012-10-05 03:13:03 PM  
I'd also like to see the Lunch Thief and the Fish Microwaver fight to the death for my amusement.
 
2012-10-05 03:13:25 PM  

vudukungfu: Bathia_Mapes:
Why in the hell would you steal ice packs? That makes no f*cking sense whatsoever.

Roids


Heh! & Ewwwwwww!

Don't think I'd want the ice packs back after that.
 
2012-10-05 03:13:32 PM  

highendmighty: Humerous notes?


"The humerus is a long bone in the arm or forelimb that runs from the shoulder to the elbow.
Anatomically, it connects the scapula and the lower arm (consisting of the radius and ulna), and consists of three sections." (more info here)

Hope your arm's okay.
 
2012-10-05 03:14:04 PM  

Jerkwater: Does this actually happen? I've worked in half a dozen offices over the past 15 years and have never had my lunch stolen, or heard of anyone else who did.


Same here. I've worked in offices from very corporate machine to very granola non-profit and have never had my lunch stolen or heard of one of my co-workers getting theirs stolen. Who in the world are you people working with?
 
2012-10-05 03:14:13 PM  
CSB
A co-worker and I were switched to a different floor. Every week he would bring in a block of cheddar cheese (odd, i know). After about the first week, he noticed the block of cheese was getting smaller and smaller without him eating it.

To combat this, he lightly bit into the block of cheese in several strategic areas. Even with the teeth marks, the cheese would still get eaten.

It was not until we clearly posted that the cheese was "tainted" did it stop.
 
2012-10-05 03:15:21 PM  
ecx.images-amazon.com
 
2012-10-05 03:15:32 PM  

Big Beef Burrito: Bathia_Mapes: Why in the hell would you steal ice packs? That makes no f*cking sense whatsoever.

To keep your stolen lunch cool. Duh.


D'OH! Why didn't I think of that.
 
2012-10-05 03:15:56 PM  
I actually had a co-worker a few years ago who was still nursing after having come back from maternity leave so she'd pump in her office, put the milk in medium sized, old fashioned looking milk bottle and store it in the fridge to take home. Since she was a nursing mother and an accountant to boot she would regularly take note of how much milk was pumped in so it was very obvious to her when she'd notice that it was a few ounces less than it was when she pumped earlier. She gathered many of the female employees and told us because she was just too embarrassed to report it. We just suggested to let it go until we actually catch someone in the act. Of course like a week later another woman was in the break room and saw this young guy from IT pour himself some coffee and then go to the fridge and grab the milk bottle. My co-worker waited until after he took his first sip and said "Ummm... you know that's not creamer, right? That's [Accountat's] breast milk."

You bet no one touched that bottle again.
 
2012-10-05 03:16:15 PM  

Jiro Dreams Of McRibs: I'm so glad American workers no longer face the dangers of going out to lunch and eating meals prepared in an inspected commercial kitchen.


You've never eaten at our cafeteria at work, clearly.
2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-10-05 03:18:36 PM  
Lance: Still got your sandwhich?
Vincent: Aw, man. You know what some farker did the other day?
Lance: What?
Vincent: Farking ate it.
Lance: Oh, man, that's farked up.
Vincent: Tell me about it. I had it in the fridge for three hours and some dickless piece of shiat farked with it.
Lance: They should be farking killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.
Vincent: Boy, I wish I could've caught him doing it. I'd have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It'd been worth him doing it just so I could've caught him doing it.
Lance: What a farker!
Vincent: What's more chicken shiat than farking with a man's sandwich? I mean, don't fark with another man's sandwich.
Lance: You don't do it.
Vincent: It's just against the rules.
 
2012-10-05 03:19:00 PM  

MBooda: Jiro Dreams Of McRibs: I'm so glad American workers no longer face the dangers of going out to lunch and eating meals prepared in an inspected commercial kitchen.

You've never eaten at our cafeteria at work, clearly.
[2.bp.blogspot.com image 320x240]


Yeah, I was a little out of line. Food service at my university was a great way to lose a lot of weight. And electrolytes.
 
2012-10-05 03:19:29 PM  

uncleacid: That guy who fills the entire floor with the smell of microwave popcorn should die.


SO MUCH THIS.

Look, I like popcorn as much as the next guy. But we might as well treat diacetyl like we do secondhand smoke. So if you plan on filling up my entire department with the impossible-to-ignore odor of "EXTRA BUTTER FLAVOR™," I'm probably going to slash your tires.

Besides. It makes me hungry, dammit.
 
2012-10-05 03:19:33 PM  
Replace something like a boiled egg with Balut.

They will never steal food again AND you'll be able to track it down by smell.
 
2012-10-05 03:20:13 PM  

odinsposse: Who in the world are you people working with?


Actually, in my office I blame the cleaning staff. I came into work one morning to find a container I had filled with goldfish crackers sitting in the middle of my desk, lid off, and it was obvious that a scoop of goldfish had been taken out of it. None of my coworkers had ever snacked on the goldfish, so I assumed it was the cleaning people. I emptied the container into the trash.

Another time I came into work and discovered what looked, and felt like, a can of Coke had exploded on part of my desk and wall. I don't drink soda or have any in my office. So, once again, the cleaning people. You'd think the jerks could have cleaned it up though.
 
2012-10-05 03:20:40 PM  

UDel_Kitty: Office savages. A coworker once ran to Target during lunch and picked up a whole bunch of frozen meals. She put them in the office freezer, still in the Target bag, to eat throughout the week. The next day or the following Monday or something, she went down in the freezer, and they were gone. Admittedly, she didn't write her name on the lunches, but they were tied up in a shopping bag for fark's sake!

My brother once found half of his salad missing. Half! Like the thief suddenly realized, "Hey, this isn't my lunch! Oops!"


Had something like that happen to coworkers of mine years ago. They worked late, ordered Chinese food, and put the leftovers in the fridge. The next day, one of the takeout bins was mostly empty with half-eaten pieces of chicken still in the container.

/This cool story brought to you by the letters C, S, and B, bro.
 
2012-10-05 03:20:48 PM  
My "bosses" bring me free food and drink. sometimes it's fast food, sometimes it's a home cooked meal. No one ever steals from each other, and we get sick days whenever we need them. There are some major perks to being a partner in your own family's business. :)
 
2012-10-05 03:21:20 PM  

robbiex0r: Vegan Meat Popsicle: I hate to be Debbie Downer, but just in case anybody thinks lacing anything actually is a good idea, not only are you likely to be fired for lacing your food if you get caught, you'll also likely face charges.

/ so be extra, EXTRA sneaky

I like 3 sliced Ghost Chilis on my roast beef, just like every other normal human being.


You could probably get away with that because ghost chilis can be called food.

I would love to be a judge in a case like this.

Me: I want the prosecutor and defendant to approach the bench.

Me: Defendant was that your sandwich?

Defendant: yes

Me: Prosecutor do you agree that was his sandwich?

Prosecutor: Yes

Me: Defendant I'm throwing this case out. It was your sandwich. You have the right to put whatever you want in it. If someone else gets sick from eating it, that's what they get for stealing your food.

Me: Prosecutor I'm fining you $500 because you wasted the court's time bringing me this case. Do it again and you'll get a $1000 fine and 30 days in jail for contempt of court. Case dismissed.
 
2012-10-05 03:21:24 PM  
I had an extra box lunch from a meeting I had catered, so I marked it with my name in capital letters with a big black Sharpie and stuck it in the fridge. Next day I went to eat it and someone took the cookie out of it. And this wasn't one of those crappy little hard cookies, or a 100 calorie pack of Oreos. This was one of those big, soft, chewy double chocolate chip with white chocolate chips in it. I was looking forward to that thing all morning.

I wanted to cry and rage all at the same time. A combination of anger and sadness like I'd never felt before swelled over me that day. Well, at the office, anyway.
 
2012-10-05 03:21:49 PM  

meat0918: Replace something like a boiled egg with Balut.

They will never steal food again AND you'll be able to track it down by smell.


Wow, looked that up..... That's just. Evil.

/high five!
 
2012-10-05 03:22:26 PM  
You can always lace your food with Asafoetida. They don't call it Devil's Dung for nothing. Make sure it hasn't been treated to take the stink out.
 
2012-10-05 03:22:54 PM  

groppet: Langdon Alger: my old program director at the radio station would leave a few TV dinners in the freezer in case he worked late but the weirdos who did overnights or weekends would steal them. Lacing several with syrup of ipecac made that stop real fast. Also too, the guy got fired because he left the board unattended which resulted in lots of dead air.

That happend at the station I worked at too. There is something not right about overnight and weekend guys.


Hey we weren't all bad. But being the only one at the station at 5am on a Saturday does drive you a little crazy.

Just because I left the station to get breakfast during Sesame Street (PBS station) doesn't mean I won't get back in time for the end of the show (thank goodness for 56 minute shows).

Honestly, I only did that once...and hey, the job paid for college.
 
2012-10-05 03:24:06 PM  
And this one too:

i1180.photobucket.com
 
2012-10-05 03:24:06 PM  
In before Kanye?
 
2012-10-05 03:24:10 PM  
farm4.static.flickr.com


Somewhat related.
 
2012-10-05 03:24:11 PM  
Hmm. My work just has 2 surveillance cameras pointed at the glass windowed fridges.
I remember on my second day someone came up and asked all 3 new employees, quite politely, if any of us had taken his sandwich. He said he didn't want to go to the supervisor right away on the off chance that one of us newbies was broke and starving until we got our first paycheck. We all said we hadn't, so they went and checked the tapes. About 2 hours later the QC/lab tech was discretely pulled into the supervisors office and given a written warning. Apparently she thought the cameras were fake.
 
2012-10-05 03:24:13 PM  
Went through this shiat some years back when this woman (unknown at the time) kept stealing people's lunches. I brought some left over dirty rice in one day with enough African bird pepper in it that I could eat it, but very few others in that office could. Wasn't long before we knew who it was. She was pretty miserable that afternoon. My boss who was a great about it, called her in the office and told her if any more lunches came up missing, her fault, not her fault no one's fault.... she was going to get canned.
 
2012-10-05 03:24:50 PM  
p.twimg.com
 
2012-10-05 03:25:01 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: This is an ongoing problem at my workplace, especially after we hire a group of new employees. I think part of the problem is that not only are most of the new hires young people, but for many of them it's their first job. I think they see the fridge situation as being similar to their parents' or a friend's fridge, where no one minds if you eat or drink something. They have so sense of workplace behavior. Mind you, though, I'm not excusing their behavior in any manner because it boils down to being theft no matter how you look at it.

And a couple of days ago the theft expanded from being irritating to downright weird. One of my co-worker/friends has been bringing in a few ice packs to treat an injured ankle. She swaps them out a couple times a day as the ice pack starts to soften. When she went to swap out an ice pack she saw that someone had stolen them from the freezer section of the breakroom fridge.

Why in the hell would you steal ice packs? That makes no f*cking sense whatsoever.


Um - to keep all the drinks and food you stole cold - duh!
 
2012-10-05 03:26:59 PM  
How timely, currently my office is embroiled in yogurt-gate:2012.

oooooh motherfarkers be taking my chobani. NOT COOL. just ask! leave a note! anything other than just straight up stealing my yogurt. WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?1
 
2012-10-05 03:27:01 PM  

Jiro Dreams Of McRibs: I'm so glad American workers no longer face the dangers of going out to lunch and eating meals prepared in an inspected commercial kitchen. Thank god they can now store their cold lunch in a community refrigerator that probably hasn't been cleaned in years and isn't inspected. Plus they get the added bonus of having spittle, urine, penis leavings and any number of other deposits left in their food by disgruntled coworkers.

Thank god we've let employers give us this alternative to the nasty old way of a half hour or hour lunch break.


UNPAID lunch, because fark you.
 
2012-10-05 03:29:18 PM  

Katolu: Jiro Dreams Of McRibs: I'm so glad American workers no longer face the dangers of going out to lunch and eating meals prepared in an inspected commercial kitchen. Thank god they can now store their cold lunch in a community refrigerator that probably hasn't been cleaned in years and isn't inspected. Plus they get the added bonus of having spittle, urine, penis leavings and any number of other deposits left in their food by disgruntled coworkers.

Thank god we've let employers give us this alternative to the nasty old way of a half hour or hour lunch break.

UNPAID lunch, because fark you.


Why should you get paid for lunch? I had a job where I got paid for a half hour lunch. I thought it was awesome but very, very strange.
 
2012-10-05 03:29:54 PM  

KrispyKritter: next time there is one of those threads where people who love flaming hot anus pain brag at length about the various hot peppers they love to deep throat at the truck stop glory hole, take note of the most horrendous peppers so you know which to buy. hide them in assorted lunches and enjoy the fun.

/don't know why people think eating spicy hot food is so macho
//people are farking idiots


Because Endorphins

/Spicy hot food makes me happy
 
2012-10-05 03:30:07 PM  

MaxxLarge: uncleacid: That guy who fills the entire floor with the smell of microwave popcorn should die.

SO MUCH THIS.

Look, I like popcorn as much as the next guy. But we might as well treat diacetyl like we do secondhand smoke. So if you plan on filling up my entire department with the impossible-to-ignore odor of "EXTRA BUTTER FLAVOR™," I'm probably going to slash your tires.

Besides. It makes me hungry, dammit.


I SECOND THIS SO MUCH THIS.

I cannot stand the smell of artificially flavored microwave popcorn. I cannot imagine eating that nasty shiat.
 
2012-10-05 03:31:12 PM  
Don't use the fridge. Try keeping refrigerated or frozen food in a medium backpack and just keep it sealed until lunchtime. Never gotten sick or stolen yet.
 
2012-10-05 03:32:43 PM  
A fellow I know was bringing bottled water in - labelled, so there's no doubt it was his.

It kept disappearing. He was pretty sure he knew who is was, but the guy denied it.

So, he very carefully opened one so it wouldn't show, and filled it with vinegar. Sure enough, the guy sprayed vinegar all over the office when he took a swig.

HR tried to give him shiat for putting that in there, but he managed to argue them down by pointing out they were tacitly condoning theft by preventing his efforts.
 
2012-10-05 03:33:32 PM  
I have some $1 knockoff Lunchables that have disappears from the fridge from time to time. It makes me feel good to know that there is someone even worse off than I and that person has to steal Dollar Tree groceries.

Plus, I let one get warm in the desk drawer for a week and then I put it in the fridge one evening knowing that it would be nice and re-refrigerated the next day. It disappeared and, strangely, it was the last Lunchable I ever lost. I guess the thief was transferred. 

Also, The angry chick in the American Apparel banner ad wearing the poorly photoshopped tights speaks to me. "Leave work early, Harry. Stop trying to see any side boob." Okay hot but angry tights wearing babe.

Entering Stealth mode: Lock the screen. Don't slam the chair. Don't let the boss see your bald head a-bobbing across the cube farm heading for the exit.
 
2012-10-05 03:35:03 PM  
At work I marked my lunch and drinks with my name or initials. Doesn't stop certain people from eating my or others' lunches. Then I marked everything of mine "HIV+" and I can keep it in there over the weekend and it'll be untouched.
 
2012-10-05 03:35:08 PM  

foxyshadis: Here's another solution: Lunch left at your desk for a few hours won't kill you, particularly if you heat the crap out of it before you eat. (If anything, the low doses of mild bacteria buildup will make you much stronger when you inevitably encounter real food poisoning.) This whole mentality of MUST PUT EVERYTHING IN FRIDGE IMMEDIATELY OR I DIE boggles my mind. If it gets stolen off of your desk, you have much bigger problems at your office.

Although if you're prone to forgetting about your dairy-based lunch and grabbing it the next day because you're a total workaholic, you should probably ignore this advice.

/Has tried that when starving and yesterday's lunch in my backpack was all that as available. Did not turn out well. At all. Blech.


yup. i bring my lunch everyday (usually a couple of sandwiches). I never put it in the fridge, I just let it sit in my desk.

years of doing this and never a problem with the food or the thieves.

added bonus, the bread doesn't become all crappy from being in a fridge and the sandwich is at a delightful room temperature when I'm ready to eat. I only leave things in the fridge if someone takes me out to lunch. Then I write my name and a date on it. fortunately, everyone thinks I'm such a weirdo that the very mention of my name repels any potential theft.

/ but, I make damn good sandwiches, so their loss.
 
2012-10-05 03:36:19 PM  
one catshiat and tuna sandwich with a note in the middle cures that real damn quick
 
2012-10-05 03:36:24 PM  

lordargent: Sybarite: After they fired the last guy they caught doing it, that shiat ended quick where I work.

He got off light.

// don't fark with a basic human survival need, breathing, food, water, excretion, etc.


This. We had one a few weeks back just after they put up the security cams, one of which is pointed DIRECTLY AT THE REFRIGERATOR IN THE BREAK ROOM. The best part was that after me and the ops manager reviewed the video (not only was his face visible, the guy responsible wears a VERY distinctive shirt.....every day.....) everybody got briefed that if the person responsible turned himself in, there would be a write up but that would be it.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

The next morning, we bring the guy into the conference room and make the charge. Nope, couldn't be him. Would never do anything like that, how could we think that, etc. We run the video on the 42" monitor and freeze it with his face clearly visible. Man looked us dead in the eye and said, "That's not me."

For the twenty minutes it took for him to clean his locker and escort him out, this guy was on one long rant about how he was being set up 'by computer' and he was going to sue us and have all our jobs. Surprisingly, we haven't heard from him since.
 
2012-10-05 03:37:27 PM  

Headso: The president of the company gets baked and will eat a bunch of chips out of the random communal bags we might have laying around and then not shut them back up but nobody will say anything because dude owns the company.


I previously had a boss whom likely had a bit of a drinking problem.

I used to keep a bottle of low-to-mid grade Scotch in my desk drawer. Depending on the day I might kick back as things wound down and would have a drink. It was kind of the culture of the place being small and all of us working like dogs.

Then one day I reached for it and it was empty. I figured it was the boss, as he'd had some investors in the evening previous and figured he'd do right by me and replace it. Two weeks later there was no replacement so I figured he'd forgot and I brought in another.

Next morning it's empty again and the boss doesn't show up until after 10 AM. This is notable because he usually was in well before 7 AM. Oh, and he's hungover like a banshee.

I let it go for a month and then hid the bottle way in the back of the drawer inside a box I'd kept for some computer hardware.

Gone the next morning.

I gave up after that. I think I was probably more disappointed than upset about it. It was a crappy thing to do to anyone, nevermind to someone you underpaid and worked like a dog.
 
2012-10-05 03:38:20 PM  

PacManDreaming: Simple solution. Just make a bait sandwich or other food with a generous helping of Denatonium mixed in. It's safe and it'll let the thief know that they may encounter other surprises during their refrigerator raids.

Or, you could just add a chopped ghost chili in the bait food and sit back and watch the fireworks.


your solution is better then mine, in that only one person may be fired
 
2012-10-05 03:39:25 PM  
To the person who stole my bottle of apple juice which I had previously emptied and refilled with urine: Thank you!
 
Displayed 50 of 254 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report