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(Sun Sentinel)   It's the kind of crime that happens in offices everyday across the nation and it's anything but victimless: Lunch theft. "Wasn't that strawberry yogurt delicious?"   (sun-sentinel.com) divider line 254
    More: Sad, trade secrets, John Smith, Palm Beach County, offices  
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6550 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2012 at 2:49 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-05 03:42:34 PM
One time at work, somebody was stealing my frozen burritos. So, I decided to take a big dump in a tortilla shell, wrap it up and put it in the freezer. I then hid in a cabinet by the fridge in the breakroom and waited for the culprit to make his move. I was in that cabinet for four days. My patience prevailed, though, and on day four, in walked the burrito bandit. I had carefully added spices and some hot sauce to my poorito, so as to cover the smell of my dumpage as it was being microwaved. Once cooked, he removed it from the microwave and took a big bite. At that point, I burst out of the cabinet and shouted, "You are eating my poop you thieving son of a biatch! How does it taste?" While we had worked together for a long time, he didn't recognize me right away because I had been in the cabinet for four days and hadn't shaved during that time. I had also fashioned my shirt into a diaper-pants sort of deal, similar to what Tom Hanks was sporting in Castaway. You know, for survival in the cabinet. Once he realized who I was and that I was telling the truth, he spat it out and ran away in horror. I had to go home early that day because it turns out diaper-pants were a violation of our workplace dress code but it was totally worth it. After that, I filmed myself farking his wife, emailed him the video and burned his house to the ground. Nobody ever stole a burrito from me again and the judge says that with good behavior, I may be free within two years.
 
2012-10-05 03:42:37 PM

RollingThunder: HR tried to give him shiat for putting that in there, but he managed to argue them down by pointing out they were tacitly condoning theft by preventing his efforts.


Vinegar's also not poisonous. But I have no idea how you could open a bottle of vinegar and not smell it. Did the perpetrator have a nose?
 
2012-10-05 03:43:28 PM

meanmutton: Katolu: Jiro Dreams Of McRibs: I'm so glad American workers no longer face the dangers of going out to lunch and eating meals prepared in an inspected commercial kitchen. Thank god they can now store their cold lunch in a community refrigerator that probably hasn't been cleaned in years and isn't inspected. Plus they get the added bonus of having spittle, urine, penis leavings and any number of other deposits left in their food by disgruntled coworkers.

Thank god we've let employers give us this alternative to the nasty old way of a half hour or hour lunch break.

UNPAID lunch, because fark you.

Why should you get paid for lunch? I had a job where I got paid for a half hour lunch. I thought it was awesome but very, very strange.


A lot of manufacturing companies do that if they run three shifts, it's easier to just say 8 hours is 8 hours and avoid overlap at shift changes.
 
2012-10-05 03:43:47 PM
Just like the TSA guy who's been stealing people's stuff at the airport security. Justification Nonsense 101. "We don't get paid enough so all bets are off on our behavior and conscience (apparently lacking)." Well, food thiefs have a special level of Dante's Hell reserved. Where to go on this planet?
 
2012-10-05 03:44:42 PM
People suck. Excerpt from actual email that management found necessary to send a couple of years back:

Over the last couple of weeks we have had numerous complaints about lunches being stolen, thrown in the garbage and/or meat slices removed from a breaded sandwich. I must say, these reports have shocked me. Effective immediately, this behavior must cease. If anyone has any idea who may be doing this, do not hesitate to report to BuildingGuyRedacted and/or your supervisor. Currently this is happening on floor 4, however we have had complaints from 5 and 6 in the past.

Couple of other reminders:

- Be considerate of the size of lunch container you are placing in the fridge
- Do NOT tamper with sealed, refrigerated insulin, preventing the owner from using it to treat a medical condition. Yes, this too has been reported.
- We are not to use our cell phones in the stairwells and/or the bathrooms - take your business outside or down to the lobby
- We are not to be texting during your normal work hours - you have Customers to service, our reason for being here. This should be done during your breaks and/or lunch and away from your desk.
- Visitor parking is for Visitors - not for employees running late
- Floor 4 - cell phones are not to be used in the 'quiet area'.
 
2012-10-05 03:45:18 PM
Someone stole a delicious lunch out of the fridge where I use to work, but left a $20 and a note saying "It looked so good I couldn't resist. Sorry"
 
2012-10-05 03:45:48 PM
www.dilbert.com
 
2012-10-05 03:46:12 PM
The other day one of my coworkers brought lunch into the break room, then went back to her desk to retrieve the book she wanted to read during lunch. When she returned, not a minute later, her lunch was gone.

Last week, another coworker left a piece of pizza out. Up for grabs, so to speak. Someone came in, took a bite out of it, spit the bite back onto the plate and left it for the next person. Up for grabs still, I suppose.

And they wonder why I keep my food to myself in my office.
 
2012-10-05 03:46:34 PM

AtlanticCoast63: lordargent: Sybarite: After they fired the last guy they caught doing it, that shiat ended quick where I work.

He got off light.

// don't fark with a basic human survival need, breathing, food, water, excretion, etc.

This. We had one a few weeks back just after they put up the security cams, one of which is pointed DIRECTLY AT THE REFRIGERATOR IN THE BREAK ROOM. The best part was that after me and the ops manager reviewed the video (not only was his face visible, the guy responsible wears a VERY distinctive shirt.....every day.....) everybody got briefed that if the person responsible turned himself in, there would be a write up but that would be it.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

The next morning, we bring the guy into the conference room and make the charge. Nope, couldn't be him. Would never do anything like that, how could we think that, etc. We run the video on the 42" monitor and freeze it with his face clearly visible. Man looked us dead in the eye and said, "That's not me."

For the twenty minutes it took for him to clean his locker and escort him out, this guy was on one long rant about how he was being set up 'by computer' and he was going to sue us and have all our jobs. Surprisingly, we haven't heard from him since.


Holy shiat, that guy was crazy.
 
2012-10-05 03:47:05 PM
I used to work for a call center and food would get stolen all the time. One particular time a guy got sent to the hospital because someone laced their food with a bunch of laxative which got stolen and consumed. Another particular time, involving my own food, I saw someone take my food of the fridge and put it in the microwave. Had my name on it and everything. When I called him out on it he asked me if I wanted to fight so I went to security. He was fired within 10 minutes, arrested in 30 because he said he was coming back with a gun.
 
2012-10-05 03:50:34 PM

MaxxLarge: [media-cache0.pinterest.com image 420x294]


OK, so that manged to make me LAUGH OL. Well played, sir.
 
2012-10-05 03:50:46 PM
This does not happen at all where I work.

My company provides plenty of snacks in the breakroom, along with a couple coolers with a variety of drinks. It all gets refilled once a week. There's always something to eat.

Too bad more companies don't do this.
 
2012-10-05 03:51:59 PM

Gilligann: This does not happen at all where I work.

My company provides plenty of snacks in the breakroom, along with a couple coolers with a variety of drinks. It all gets refilled once a week. There's always something to eat.

Too bad more companies don't do this.


your company sounds fat

/I do like visiting customers who have munchies to grab
 
2012-10-05 03:52:03 PM

JackieRabbit: Is this really a problem? I don't think we have such a problem where I work. But then I wouldn't know. Our problem is that people put their stuff in the refrigerator and leave it to turn into biology experiments. So when I take my lunch, I take it in an insulated bag and keep it at my desk.


This is the problem we had at just about every place I have worked. The smell of old chinese food when you open the fridge on Monday morning... bleh.

Not much outright theft at any place though. We did have a lady that would help herself to any food that was catered or ordered in. Like if we pooled our money and ordered pizza. She'd just help herself to a few slices. Not the end of the world but still a bit annoying.
 
2012-10-05 03:55:13 PM
 
2012-10-05 03:56:05 PM

Schmee:
stuff
- Do NOT tamper with sealed, refrigerated insulin, preventing the owner from using it to treat a medical condition. Yes, this too has been reported.
more stuff


What kind of sick fark messes with somebody's insulin?
 
2012-10-05 03:56:22 PM
I like my food spicy, so it rarely gets stolen.

/once I worked at a call center, and my food was untouched
//mostly because the other workers were not locals, and were slightly intimidated by the local food at first
 
2012-10-05 03:56:44 PM

Gilligann: This does not happen at all where I work.

My company provides plenty of snacks in the breakroom, along with a couple coolers with a variety of drinks. It all gets refilled once a week. There's always something to eat.

Too bad more companies don't do this.


Having worked in both environments the key I've found is to just make sure the food doesn't suck.

I worked at a place that would routinely bring in some top-shelf grub for us randomly, kept the fridge filled with sodas, loaded the freezer with microwave pizzas for the guys that worked overnight and made sure the coffee was quite good.

The results were good. It did alot for morale and the mindset.

But I worked for a place that did it half-assed. The coffee was terrible, when food was provided it was a handful of pre-packaged Danish left in the break room and they would occasionally get pizza from this local place that was just greasy and awful. Yet consistently they would tout these as benefits to new potential hires.
 
2012-10-05 03:57:17 PM

BATMANATEE: Schmee:
stuff
- Do NOT tamper with sealed, refrigerated insulin, preventing the owner from using it to treat a medical condition. Yes, this too has been reported.
more stuff

What kind of sick fark messes with somebody's insulin?


As I've said: People suck.
 
2012-10-05 03:57:27 PM

Doctor Funkenstein: One time at work, somebody was stealing my frozen burritos. So, I decided to take a big dump in a tortilla shell, wrap it up and put it in the freezer. I then hid in a cabinet by the fridge in the breakroom and waited for the culprit to make his move. I was in that cabinet for four days. My patience prevailed, though, and on day four, in walked the burrito bandit. I had carefully added spices and some hot sauce to my poorito, so as to cover the smell of my dumpage as it was being microwaved. Once cooked, he removed it from the microwave and took a big bite. At that point, I burst out of the cabinet and shouted, "You are eating my poop you thieving son of a biatch! How does it taste?" While we had worked together for a long time, he didn't recognize me right away because I had been in the cabinet for four days and hadn't shaved during that time. I had also fashioned my shirt into a diaper-pants sort of deal, similar to what Tom Hanks was sporting in Castaway. You know, for survival in the cabinet. Once he realized who I was and that I was telling the truth, he spat it out and ran away in horror. I had to go home early that day because it turns out diaper-pants were a violation of our workplace dress code but it was totally worth it. After that, I filmed myself farking his wife, emailed him the video and burned his house to the ground. Nobody ever stole a burrito from me again and the judge says that with good behavior, I may be free within two years.


I guffawed
 
2012-10-05 03:58:05 PM

Vegan Meat Popsicle: I hate to be Debbie Downer, but just in case anybody thinks lacing anything actually is a good idea, not only are you likely to be fired for lacing your food if you get caught, you'll also likely face charges.

/ so be extra, EXTRA sneaky


This is a good point, and true. And if you do it with visine like you saw in Wedding Crashers, you'll almost certainly spend a good amount of time in prison

Of course if you use this:

hotsaucefanatics.com

It's not really "lacing" at all, is it? Because that's a legitimate condiment
 
2012-10-05 03:59:06 PM

loonatic112358: Gilligann: This does not happen at all where I work.

My company provides plenty of snacks in the breakroom, along with a couple coolers with a variety of drinks. It all gets refilled once a week. There's always something to eat.

Too bad more companies don't do this.

your company sounds fat

/I do like visiting customers who have munchies to grab


My first year working here I gained about 50lbs. So far i've lost about 35lb of that and am working on losing the rest. The one thing they never buy enough of is fruits and veggies.
 
2012-10-05 04:00:19 PM
:CSB:

Disclaimer: Yes, I'm a raging butthole. Read some of my other posts and you'll see that I value BS very little, and don't give a rat's arse about most folks. If you wrong me, payback is a mofo.

I was working pipeline in the middle of nowhere Louisiana back in the mid-90's. Once we were on site, we couldn't leave, so we had to bring our own lunches (nearest little store was at least an hour away - dozer to get to road, get in vehicle, drive many miles).

I was someone who brought my lunch, sodas, gatorades, etc. Some of the guys (namely two of them) never brought crap. They started stealing my lunches. Not just stealing them, but taking bites out of my sandwich and then throwing it back in the cooler, so it could float around in the water. Same went for whatever else I put in there.

One evening, I went to Winn-Dixie and bought: 1 - 1/2 of a Double Layer Chocolate Cake, 1 - 48ct. Box of Ex-Lax Chocolate Laxative.

Tools Needed:
Ex-Lax
Cake
Lighter
Butter Knife

Step 1: Separate the layers and cut in half.
Step 2: Take one half of the top layer (with the icing) and set it next to one half of the bottom layer (no icing) - put the remainder in your stomach, fridge, whatever.
Step 3: Using the lighter, melt the chocolate ex-lax on to the half without icing (it's in foil, so just fold it a bit so it pours out the end. Use the butter knife to spread it - matching the icing pattern of the other half - cover half and a portion of the other half (not all).

I took this out to the job site the next day and during lunch, sat down to eat. I'd had talked to a co-worker about calling me away when he saw me eating the cake. I ate part of the cake that didn't have any ex-lax on it - then got called away.

I set it down and didn't make it half way to my co-worker when those two assholes were eating the shiat out of the cake. What's really jacked up is that they were licking the "icing" out of the clear plastic container too.

They ate FORTY-EIGHT pieces of ex-lax between the two of them.

A little before quitting time, they started. They had to stop on the way back to the hotel to let some go.

The next morning, they were late, so I beat on their door (they were rooming together at the hotel). They looked nearly transparent. One had been crapping in the toilet all night, and one in the hotel trash can (no joke). The smell of that room cannot be described.

They were crapping and vomiting (simultaneously at time) for 2 or 3 days. They messed their clothes up, they messed everything up.

BONUS: They blamed a local Chinese restaurant until I told them it was me.

They were pissed and told the boss. He said it served them right and told me that if he were I, he'd have hit them again a few days later just to really twist it off in them.

:/CSB:

/that is all.
 
2012-10-05 04:01:44 PM

KrispyKritter: /don't know why people think eating spicy hot food is so macho


don't know why you think people who eat spicy food think doing so is macho

//people are farking idiots


oh
 
2012-10-05 04:01:56 PM

Doctor Funkenstein: One time at work, somebody was stealing my frozen burritos. So, I decided to take a big dump in a tortilla shell, wrap it up and put it in the freezer. I then hid in a cabinet by the fridge in the breakroom and waited for the culprit to make his move. I was in that cabinet for four days. My patience prevailed, though, and on day four, in walked the burrito bandit. I had carefully added spices and some hot sauce to my poorito, so as to cover the smell of my dumpage as it was being microwaved. Once cooked, he removed it from the microwave and took a big bite. At that point, I burst out of the cabinet and shouted, "You are eating my poop you thieving son of a biatch! How does it taste?" While we had worked together for a long time, he didn't recognize me right away because I had been in the cabinet for four days and hadn't shaved during that time. I had also fashioned my shirt into a diaper-pants sort of deal, similar to what Tom Hanks was sporting in Castaway. You know, for survival in the cabinet. Once he realized who I was and that I was telling the truth, he spat it out and ran away in horror. I had to go home early that day because it turns out diaper-pants were a violation of our workplace dress code but it was totally worth it. After that, I filmed myself farking his wife, emailed him the video and burned his house to the ground. Nobody ever stole a burrito from me again and the judge says that with good behavior, I may be free within two years.


11/10, I LOL'd, would LOL again.
 
2012-10-05 04:02:48 PM

JackieRabbit: Is this really a problem? I don't think we have such a problem where I work. But then I wouldn't know. Our problem is that people put their stuff in the refrigerator and leave it to turn into biology experiments. So when I take my lunch, I take it in an insulated bag and keep it at my desk.


That'd be my workplace too. Eventually someone gets fed up with the biology experiments and posts a note on the fridge saying EVERYTHING is getting tossed at a specific time (with enough time in between note posting and fridge cleaning for anyone to retrieve their experiment)
 
2012-10-05 04:05:47 PM
PallMall:

reminds me of the guy I got the idea for the catshiat sandwich from
 
2012-10-05 04:06:04 PM

highendmighty: Humerous notes?


Loomy: "The humerus is a long bone in the arm or forelimb that runs from the shoulder to the elbow.
Anatomically, it connects the scapula and the lower arm (consisting of the radius and ulna), and consists of three sections." (more info here)

Hope your arm's okay.


ecx.images-amazon.com
 
2012-10-05 04:10:04 PM

meanmutton: Katolu: Jiro Dreams Of McRibs: I'm so glad American workers no longer face the dangers of going out to lunch and eating meals prepared in an inspected commercial kitchen. Thank god they can now store their cold lunch in a community refrigerator that probably hasn't been cleaned in years and isn't inspected. Plus they get the added bonus of having spittle, urine, penis leavings and any number of other deposits left in their food by disgruntled coworkers.

Thank god we've let employers give us this alternative to the nasty old way of a half hour or hour lunch break.

UNPAID lunch, because fark you.

Why should you get paid for lunch? I had a job where I got paid for a half hour lunch. I thought it was awesome but very, very strange.


You sound American.
 
2012-10-05 04:10:11 PM

loonatic112358: PallMall:

reminds me of the guy I got the idea for the catshiat sandwich from


What drove me to it was the fact that they didn't eat all of my lunch. They'd open sodas and take a drink, then throw the can on the ground. Open a sandwich, take a few bites and then toss it in the water. Stuff like that. Both of them were doing it so blatantly, it drove me mad.
 
2012-10-05 04:10:33 PM
I caught a coworker at my last job stealing other people's lunches. What happened was his girlfriend stopped by to give him his lunch, a lunch that she made herself. He ate it, complained that it wasn't filling enough, went to the fridge and grabbed one someone else's lunch. I asked him why he was doing it as he did it, blatantly, right in front of me, and he said "My girl didn't make me a big enough lunch." I asked "So that gives you the right to steal someone else's lunch?" And he said that it was cool.

So, I made sure to pass it around that this guy was a lunch thief. The following week, the fridge was used to stock fake lunches like cat food sandwiches, dog food cans without labels, and other such 'surprises'. Enough that when his girl failed to make him a hearty enough lunch, that I got the lunch show of watching him go through the fridge from one trapped lunch to another. The day that followed I found myself in HR explaining to the HR VP why that fridge was loaded with fake foods. I don't understand why I was the bad guy, the other guy was the lunch thief.
 
2012-10-05 04:10:53 PM

you have pee hands: Vinegar's also not poisonous. But I have no idea how you could open a bottle of vinegar and not smell it. Did the perpetrator have a nose?


Pop the cap and swig, and there's not really enough time to go "wait a second"...
 
2012-10-05 04:11:12 PM
"I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder."
 
2012-10-05 04:12:15 PM

PallMall: What drove me to it was the fact that they didn't eat all of my lunch. They'd open sodas and take a drink, then throw the can on the ground. Open a sandwich, take a few bites and then toss it in the water. Stuff like that. Both of them were doing it so blatantly, it drove me mad.


sounds like righands
 
2012-10-05 04:13:11 PM
I always enjoy these threads but seriously, some of you work in the worst kinds of hellholes imaginable.
 
2012-10-05 04:13:56 PM

Great Janitor: I don't understand why I was the bad guy, the other guy was the lunch thief.


Vigilantes are often unjustly persecuted.
 
2012-10-05 04:13:59 PM

Jument: I always enjoy these threads but seriously, some of you work in the worst kinds of hellholes imaginable.


you've obviously have been lucky enough to not work with idiots, don't worry your time will come
 
2012-10-05 04:14:48 PM
People steal shiat from the fridge and cabinets at work all the time. I've caught people chomping away on my food, right in front of my face with no shame.

I keep all my food at my desk now. I can't afford to feed the entire office and their stupid little memos don't make a bit of difference in stopping the problem. I work with some really cool people but certain departments here seem to new a haven for disrespectful trash.
 
2012-10-05 04:16:27 PM

odinsposse: Jerkwater: Does this actually happen? I've worked in half a dozen offices over the past 15 years and have never had my lunch stolen, or heard of anyone else who did.

Same here. I've worked in offices from very corporate machine to very granola non-profit and have never had my lunch stolen or heard of one of my co-workers getting theirs stolen. Who in the world are you people working with?


Mine was with government employees.
 
2012-10-05 04:16:51 PM
I kept Safeway sushi in my car, in the california sun for 3 days

then put it in the fridge

when it went missing, I felt vindicated in the horrors he was about to enjoy
 
2012-10-05 04:18:12 PM
I had someone in my office take my yogurt out my lunch bag, eat half and put it back in the fridge. At what point is food stealing simply trolling?
 
2012-10-05 04:18:34 PM

Jument: I always enjoy these threads but seriously, some of you work in the worst kinds of hellholes imaginable.


It isn't as much the place as it is the person.

From the stories told the person always feels that they're either "entitled" or they're batshiat crazy...they'd just managed to not come across as that until now.
 
2012-10-05 04:19:05 PM

loonatic112358: PallMall: What drove me to it was the fact that they didn't eat all of my lunch. They'd open sodas and take a drink, then throw the can on the ground. Open a sandwich, take a few bites and then toss it in the water. Stuff like that. Both of them were doing it so blatantly, it drove me mad.

sounds like righands


*golfclap*

Well, you actually hit the nail on the head. That's precisely what were all were out there. Rig hands on a horizontal rig.
 
2012-10-05 04:20:54 PM

loonatic112358: PallMall: What drove me to it was the fact that they didn't eat all of my lunch. They'd open sodas and take a drink, then throw the can on the ground. Open a sandwich, take a few bites and then toss it in the water. Stuff like that. Both of them were doing it so blatantly, it drove me mad.

sounds like righands


My thoughts exactly, oilfield workers in general are horrendous, although I worked a few odd construction jobs during college summers, and some of those bastards were just as bad. The commercial HVAC crew I worked with was far, far worse. The sheetrock crew was awesome. Family-owned and the owner's wife would make us all a lunch every day.
 
2012-10-05 04:22:08 PM
Not lunch related, but I did have a colleague, a few years back, who would steal my pencils. This was in the trades, no office supply cabinet, my dime. Right in front of him, I stuck my pencils down my drawers, making sure the got plenty of ball-sack sweat on them. Fail, he kept stealing my pencils. He was a habitual pencil chewer, so a least it was funny.
 
2012-10-05 04:24:20 PM

natas6.0: I kept Safeway sushi in my car, in the california sun for 3 days

then put it in the fridge

when it went missing, I felt vindicated in the horrors he was about to enjoy


I like the cut of your jib.
 
2012-10-05 04:24:46 PM

fortysix: Not lunch related, but I did have a colleague, a few years back, who would steal my pencils. This was in the trades, no office supply cabinet, my dime. Right in front of him, I stuck my pencils down my drawers, making sure the got plenty of ball-sack sweat on them. Fail, he kept stealing my pencils. He was a habitual pencil chewer, so a least it was funny.


Maybe he was just down for the salty taste of your bollocks?
 
2012-10-05 04:25:18 PM

fortysix: Not lunch related, but I did have a colleague, a few years back, who would steal my pencils. This was in the trades, no office supply cabinet, my dime. Right in front of him, I stuck my pencils down my drawers, making sure the got plenty of ball-sack sweat on them. Fail, he kept stealing my pencils. He was a habitual pencil chewer, so a least it was funny.


The trick there is perform some killer drum solos on your desk with them. If there's one thing I hate.. it's a pencil that never sharpens.
 
2012-10-05 04:27:01 PM

Towermonkey: fortysix: Not lunch related, but I did have a colleague, a few years back, who would steal my pencils. This was in the trades, no office supply cabinet, my dime. Right in front of him, I stuck my pencils down my drawers, making sure the got plenty of ball-sack sweat on them. Fail, he kept stealing my pencils. He was a habitual pencil chewer, so a least it was funny.

Maybe he was just down for the salty taste of your bollocks?


He was probably more of a tip chewer.
 
2012-10-05 04:27:36 PM

natas6.0: I kept Safeway sushi in my car, in the california sun for 3 days

then put it in the fridge

when it went missing, I felt vindicated in the horrors he was about to enjoy


This.

As mentioned upthread be very careful when lacing lunches. Best of luck proving, spoiled mayo, raw chicken juice....
 
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