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(Gawker)   Dearest Friends, Thank you for agreeing to be a bridesmaid, here are some guidelines for you to follow. Please be aware that if you cannot commit the next six-months of your lives to me then you will be replaced, but you are still invited to attend   (gawker.com) divider line 374
    More: Asinine  
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23617 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2012 at 10:05 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-05 05:57:56 PM  

OneNightStand: Late to the party, as usual.

I have performed ceremonies for brides like this. In spite of my most earnest counseling I was told, by one such bride: "seriously Rev., you're not a girl, you just don't know the pressures we are under" (yes, a bride did say that to me). The longest any of those marriages lasted was 18 months; all the rest ended in less than a year.


I do have a serious question for you... Have you ever told a husband-to-be, "Leave now, abandon ship, this one needs more time in the oven of real life." ?

I've recently told a friend that, by recently I mean over 2 years ago. I basically said to him (when he and his now wife were on a "Breakup"), I said, "Look friend, this girl, there's nothing wrong with loving her. she's not evil, she's not a horrible person... but she has no idea how to take care of herself and she has ridiculous expectations, she's going to be looking to you for everything... and when something's wrong, despite the fact that you take care of everything for her, it's going to be your fault that her life isn't perfect... Again, there's nothing wrong with loving this person, but she isn't ready to be a wife, not by a longshot."

I basically said exactly that to him. He married her anyway. They have a kid on the way. She now refuses to do any housework at 4 months pregnant.... The clock is ticking.
 
2012-10-05 07:21:27 PM  
My first wedding was in Buda Castle in Budapest Hungary. Because the ceremony was in Hungarian, I had to have a interpreter (I'm a stupid American who only speaks English). The guy was a rank amateur. So bad that my bride was busting up laughing in the middle of the ceremony.

FYI, the inside of Buda Castle does not look anything like the official picture of the place.
www.gumbopages.com

My second wedding was thrown together in a week and lasted about as long. Biggest farking mistake in my life.

My niece's wedding was great. The bridesmaids and the bride all wore retro style clothing. The MOH was my niece's best friend, her gay brother (my nephew).

sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net

And here's my neice, her new hubbie, and the groomsmen.

sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net

My brother wiped out his saving for that wedding, but he would do anything for his little girl and he's smitten by the two grandaughters he got out of the deal. 

My step-sister's wedding was also very pleasant. They had the nicest and sweetest old rabbi who explained Jewish traditions while performing the ceremony. The reception was a very enjoyable catered picnic.

My baby sister's wedding was fun, she almost had a mental breakdown when the cake arrived. Instead of the traditional three-tier cake she had ordered, she got a Saint Patrick's day green bowler hat cake. How could they not have though that might be wrong? Her 25th anniversary was just last week.
 
2012-10-05 07:22:30 PM  
CSS-
My sister in law (husband's little sister) has suddenly gotten engaged because she's desperate to marry before either of her younger brothers. She is turning into this woman, despite the fact that she already can't keep her shiat together enough to pay her rent every month. A few years ago, I made an offhand joking comment that I was glad all my friends are now married (or male) so I won't ever have to be in a wedding party again, She gave me this pitiful look and cried that she wanted me to be her matron of honor. I reluctantly agreed. Now that she's finally marrying, not a peep.

I cannot begin express my relief.

/CSS
 
2012-10-05 07:45:06 PM  

BrynnMacFlynn: ... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon


I wasn't much of a bridezilla, until the wedding. I did threaten grievous bodily harm to my florist via her voicemail on the day of my wedding, but only because she was two hours late, the bouquets weren't what I wanted even though I had showed her pictures and given her a list of the flowers I wanted/did not want, she shorted us a boutonniere, overcharged me, etc. Oh, and now I may be taking my photographer to small claims court for breach of contract (it's a year and a half later... I have nothing but two discs of proofs even after I gave him a list of the pictures that I wanted printed, in the book, etc.).

I was pretty laid back about most everything else. The weather was perfect, people ate yummy bbq and got drunk, and a good time was had by all. And at the end of the day, I was still married to the love of my life.

However, I'm sure as hell glad I'm out of the wedding business because of biatches like this. I had a woman scream at me because she miscalculated the time she needed to be at her venue after her hair and makeup, and when I told her I couldn't move her appointments two days prior to her wedding because I had other brides that had managed to book their shiat at the correct time, she lost her damn mind and threatened to sue. I forwarded her the email in which she told me that she needed to be done at X time, not what she was trying to tell me now and she straight up said, "Well that's not what I meant!" Too farking bad, cupcake.

/css
//I would tell this woman to lose my number and count me as a "no" RSVP for her wedding, and the rest of her life.
 
2012-10-05 07:51:54 PM  
If you're not married by now, it ain't gonna happen...
 
2012-10-05 08:08:39 PM  
15 years ago, a good friend of mine was organising her 400 guest wedding. Lovely girl, but it just had to be the BIG WEDDING.

As a group of us sat around nattering one night, I said point blank I could never have a big wedding. She laughed and said "If the girl of your dreams wants a big wedding, you'll have a big wedding."

I replied, "If a girl wants a big wedding that badly, she's not the girl of my dreams."

He wedding went off without a hitch, I caught the garter. Met my dream girl a short time later. Our wedding had 9 guests - and it was only even that big out of deference to our mums. Still happily married today
 
2012-10-05 08:21:45 PM  
This can't be real. Someone made it up and sent it to Gawker.
 
2012-10-05 09:09:48 PM  

Hack Patooey: SWMBO and I had a friend marry us (in MA someone can be a "solemnizer" once per year), and then we had a contradance (how we met,and we got married in the hall we met at) with about 80 friends and family. People brought food they wanted to share, and we had "hors d'oeuvres" and an open bar. My son (then 10) played our first waltz for us on his fiddle.


Balance and swing your partner.

I love the idea of your son playing your waltz.

Mr. Splash and I danced (with friends) an English Country waltz as our first dance.
 
2012-10-05 10:37:45 PM  
Dear Jake,
This is what happens when you stick your d*ck in crazy.
Good luck, buddy.
 
2012-10-05 10:57:03 PM  

tcaptain: I thoroughly enjoyed my wedding to Mrs TCaptain. She wasn't a bridezilla (although she's horrified to think she may have been).

She did most of the planning, but we found a great venue that handled 70% of everything (restaurant with dance hall, supplied the DJ).

Was it the perfect princess day? No...but it was close and we got what we wanted.

The thing is, both in my head and hers, we don't remember the crap that went wrong unless we really think about it.

Thing is Mrs T wasn't unreasonable about anything and she was WAY too hard on herself more than anyone else (she's Type A, knows it, so it's easy on us..but she went nuts trying to do everything on her own).

On the day of, I tried to run interception on as much as I could (the flowers were late, only half were delivered, wrong deliveries) and I'm proud to say I handled it...hell, I was an action hero :) (There's a cool story about getting the cake topper...)

Hell, the DJ hounded us for a very specific playlist and beyond the two songs for the bride and groom's first dance (and the parents thereof) he played NONE of them (nor did he play any of the requests from the guests).

Again, not something I remember unless I really THINK about it.

It's really true what a poster said above...Leading up to the day, you want everything to be PERFECT. On the day of, you just care about each other and enjoying the moment.

I still get a little misty thinking about it. My perfect memory of Mrs T. will always be when the doors open and she stepped into the room to walk up the aisle.

At that point, I promise you, neither one of us were thinking about the flowers, the fact that the bridesmaids were late getting there or anything of dozens of bullshiat things that went wrong.

If at that moment, THAT'S what you're thinking about? You ARE at the wrong wedding because you shouldn't be getting married.

/Still together, but it's only been a few years.
//hoping for a lot more.


awwe.Sappy. I wish you the best.
 
2012-10-05 11:19:01 PM  
After the wedding comes the accessory child and the corresponding attention whoring with the baby showers, birth, birthday parties, etc.
 
2012-10-05 11:36:59 PM  

flucto: Hope for the groom's sake that he sees this and runs screaming for the exit.


We need to find "Jake" or whatever his name is and stage an intervention. Where's Pauly Shore when you need him?
 
2012-10-06 03:22:47 AM  
Was a groomsman in a friend's wedding in 2010. There were, at most, 80 guests. The groomsmen all wore black Chuck Taylors and Next Generation combadges with their tuxedos. The bride and groom wrote their own vows, which ended with them promising to love and cherish each other "until death, whether on this Earth or in a galaxy far, far away." Small reception with an open bar. It was a great wedding.

This past August I was a bridesmaid for another friend. Markedly fancier, though that was mostly because the bride's sister has always wanted to be a wedding planner and had extracted a promise from Liz years ago that she could plan her wedding. Rented a limo for the bachelorette party, which was at a drag club. Each bridesmaid got a personalized, very pink, rhinestone-bedecked martini glass for the party. (I could have killed sister-of-the-bride/wedding planner/maid of honor for choosing martini glasses for a limo ride. I ended up with WAY more champagne on me than in me.) Professional hair and makeup for the wedding. Limo ride from the bride's place to the church. Long photography session in an unventilated stairwell in Los Angeles in August. The actual ceremony only lasted about 15 minutes, and was very sweet (and blessedly air-conditioned). Another limo ride to the reception (though the limo broke down at the first traffic light - thankfully most of the cars behind us were wedding guests so we all just divided ourselves among the available cars, and the bride thought it was hilarious). Bigger reception, fancier open bar, and for wedding favors there was a booth set up that would take a 30-second video of you and make it into a flipbook. It was also a great wedding, even if I was tempted to strangle sister-of-the-bride (AND mother-of-the-bride) a few times.

My parents did a sort of built-from-scratch wedding. Mom made her own dress (with help from her mother) as well as dad's dress shirt. Mom's church let them use the sanctuary for free, with the pastor (a long-time friend of my mom) performing the ceremony. A friend of theirs who was a baker made the cake, my grandmothers teamed up to do the flowers, another friend who was a professional photographer offered his services for free as a wedding gift. One couple they were close to bought the gold for their wedding rings, and another friend who was a jeweler crafted the rings. The bridesmaids each wore their own best dress, the groomsmen wore their nicest shirts and slacks. My dad's parents hosted a potluck in their backyard for the reception. Their 40th anniversary is coming up soon.
 
2012-10-06 07:26:28 AM  
Oh hell no. Just no.

Wedding one: he bought us a 'wedding package' and we flew off to Hawaii. The photographer (included) was the witness...although we picked up a homeless guy who also sat in.
/widowed

Wedding two: my parents, his parents, my kids. My brother 'crashed' the event. Our JOP is my brother's bff and works 'for a picture of the wedding'. We had pizza at our favorite local place and left town for a weekend.
My outfit cost about $80 and that's just because I didn't have anything in any light colors. Mr. Nosehair engaged me with a claddagh ring.

I've never ever had that 'princess wedding' disease. Both times, in it for the union, not a party, and not to be the center of attention like that. I just don't care. I don't like people. I don't like parties. Would not have wanted a ton of people staring at me in a big frilly dress and shoes I can barely walk in. Yeah I'm a lot of fun but we have a good relationship at 4 years in, after a very brief courtship.

We may have a little thing at 7 years, celebrate the 7-year-itch, I may actually have my first cake and big dress. But probably not...it's just something we bust stones over now and then for a laugh.

People take themselves so seriously...a marriage is serious business, sure....but throwing around thousands of dollars to mark the event is in my opinion kind of silly. Put the effort into your union, effort better spent.
 
2012-10-06 12:37:14 PM  

kiwimoogle84: Pert: The girls I know who got married let their bridesmaids run their hen (bachelorette) parties and generally ended up dressed as badgers,wearing hats decorated with buttplugs and smearing each other in hog fat.

This includes my wife. You guys are doing it all wrong.

You must be Canadian.


Even better than that. British.
 
2012-10-06 01:28:30 PM  

Magorn: I was a groomsman in a wedding, featured on the TLC show "Who's Wedding is it anyway?" That was an Orthodox jewish ceremony with a pirate theme that took place on the deck of the Mooshalu (old Tall ship in Philly harbor that's now a restuarant) and was officiated by probably the only Rabbi in the world who was fluent in Gaelic and Hebrew (she was marrying an Irishman). It was the single most elaborate wedding I've ever been to, (the rehersal dinner took over a Morroccan restuarant and featured an internationally famous belly dancer) and as a close freind of bride and groom I was involved from the very beggining, and the couple still made maybe 1/10th of the demands on me that this "woman" is asking of her friends


Magorn,

I used to work with her. Hell of a project manager and funny as hell.

And yes, the kind of woman (with a teenage daughter) who would hold a pirate themed wedding. I used to speak with her about mine when I was going through this ( first advice...the week after you propose your wife will have a stack of bridal magazines a foot thick).

My email is in my profile....haven't talked with her since that contract ended. Can you put me back in touch?
 
2012-10-06 02:00:01 PM  
And one more thing - please don't write your own vows unless you can actually write. Even then, read it aloud to a few people and check that they are not cringing. I have sat through too many weddings where the bride and groom, usually barely able to form a coherent status update on Facebook, suddenly decide that they are now poets, they just didn't know it (the rhyming ones are almost always the worst).
 
2012-10-06 07:04:57 PM  

LooseLips: BrynnMacFlynn: ... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon

Not yet married, but I don't get the bridezilla attitude in the slightest and I friggin' hate that reality show. My mom and sister watch it solely for the trash factor but really I can't stand how those women behave. I can see being flustered and pissed off if say, the caterer doesn't show up. But brides who feel like they have to lash out and crap on others instead of solving the issue is just embarrassing to me.

If my boyfriend proposes, my goal for a wedding is to have a great time and not drama by fussing over stupid shiat like napkin colors. Bridesmaids? Who needs 'em. We're atheist so luckily I won't have to deal with a formal church wedding. Just bring on the friends, family, cake and booze and we'll figure out what's cool for BOTH of us.

The best wedding I ever went to was one where the bride was going around to every table - including the kids' - and making sure everyone was having a blast (and were we ever). I couldn't imagine there being a soul present who wasn't genuinely happy for her, and not feeling obligated to humor a stuck-up princess with the aid of several screwdrivers. Attitude makes such a difference in outcome.

IMO, the situation where you want to be a complete biatch is if you have a controlling mom or someone crazy in the family who insists on telling you what to do and wants to run the show.  THEN by all means be a fire-belching ogre.


Both of you are living for "if my BF proposes!" frkk that. What about living your life for your own fulfillment first? You're both trying in vain not to paint yourself like this bride-c&ntzilla -- but you're still living your lives for "the proposal," meaning that's all you want. You will both be disappointed.
 
2012-10-06 07:12:23 PM  

KatjaMouse: Beanlet: To anyone who is planning a wedding, this is awesome advice. I'm not sure about the 4 grand, I have no idea what it costs now.. but make sure your photog has a good reputation and isn't a sleazeball. My SIL (mentioned above, the one straight from hell) recommended this guy and he was such a pervert. He wanted me to do all kinds of porn star poses in my dress. I only wish I was kidding.

I fell in love with a photographer I met at a bridal expo last month. A bride believed so much in her work that she drove out from Pennsylvania with her own wedding album to help run her booth. And she didn't have just a dozen photos on display, she had almost 100 plus that bride's own album which was just shot after shot of amazing. And on top of that this chick is fun. She even did this fun zombie engagement session:

[sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net image 310x206][sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net image 310x206][sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net image 310x206]

And my sister told me that she wants to do a vintage pin-up photo session with this woman as my Bachlorette party.


Uh, you "fell in love last month?" And this is the crap you want for your "engagement party?" Yeah, I see a bright, happy, mature future for you. Maybe when you grow tired of riding his dick (because you've been dick starved) you'll see that "marrying" it isn't "true love." Idiot.
 
2012-10-06 07:14:26 PM  

OgreMagi: My first wedding was in Buda Castle in Budapest Hungary. Because the ceremony was in Hungarian, I had to have a interpreter (I'm a stupid American who only speaks English). The guy was a rank amateur. So bad that my bride was busting up laughing in the middle of the ceremony.

FYI, the inside of Buda Castle does not look anything like the official picture of the place.
[www.gumbopages.com image 700x390]

My second wedding was thrown together in a week and lasted about as long. Biggest farking mistake in my life.

My niece's wedding was great. The bridesmaids and the bride all wore retro style clothing. The MOH was my niece's best friend, her gay brother (my nephew).

[sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net image 720x540]

And here's my neice, her new hubbie, and the groomsmen.

[sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net image 640x480]

My brother wiped out his saving for that wedding, but he would do anything for his little girl and he's smitten by the two grandaughters he got out of the deal. 

My step-sister's wedding was also very pleasant. They had the nicest and sweetest old rabbi who explained Jewish traditions while performing the ceremony. The reception was a very enjoyable catered picnic.

My baby sister's wedding was fun, she almost had a mental breakdown when the cake arrived. Instead of the traditional three-tier cake she had ordered, she got a Saint Patrick's day green bowler hat cake. How could they not have though that might be wrong? Her 25th anniversary was just last week.


Uh, which one is Cletus? The one in the white dress? What a bunch of ugly people. I pray they don't breed. Unless of course, a brother-husband does free poor tattooing.
 
2012-10-06 07:26:55 PM  

Ross E. Krushan: KatjaMouse: Beanlet: To anyone who is planning a wedding, this is awesome advice. I'm not sure about the 4 grand, I have no idea what it costs now.. but make sure your photog has a good reputation and isn't a sleazeball. My SIL (mentioned above, the one straight from hell) recommended this guy and he was such a pervert. He wanted me to do all kinds of porn star poses in my dress. I only wish I was kidding.

I fell in love with a photographer I met at a bridal expo last month. A bride believed so much in her work that she drove out from Pennsylvania with her own wedding album to help run her booth. And she didn't have just a dozen photos on display, she had almost 100 plus that bride's own album which was just shot after shot of amazing. And on top of that this chick is fun. She even did this fun zombie engagement session:

[sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net image 310x206][sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net image 310x206][sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net image 310x206]

And my sister told me that she wants to do a vintage pin-up photo session with this woman as my Bachlorette party.

Uh, you "fell in love last month?" And this is the crap you want for your "engagement party?" Yeah, I see a bright, happy, mature future for you. Maybe when you grow tired of riding his dick (because you've been dick starved) you'll see that "marrying" it isn't "true love." Idiot.


Methinks you didn't actually read all the words, but chose to cherry-pick only the words that matches your preferred narrative of failed relationships..
 
2012-10-06 11:04:13 PM  
I think I could find it in my heart no avoid this biatch for the rest of my life.
 
2012-10-08 12:18:58 PM  

Ross E. Krushan: KatjaMouse: Beanlet: To anyone who is planning a wedding, this is awesome advice. I'm not sure about the 4 grand, I have no idea what it costs now.. but make sure your photog has a good reputation and isn't a sleazeball. My SIL (mentioned above, the one straight from hell) recommended this guy and he was such a pervert. He wanted me to do all kinds of porn star poses in my dress. I only wish I was kidding.

I fell in love with a photographer I met at a bridal expo last month. A bride believed so much in her work that she drove out from Pennsylvania with her own wedding album to help run her booth. And she didn't have just a dozen photos on display, she had almost 100 plus that bride's own album which was just shot after shot of amazing. And on top of that this chick is fun. She even did this fun zombie engagement session:

And my sister told me that she wants to do a vintage pin-up photo session with this woman as my Bachlorette party.

Uh, you "fell in love last month?" And this is the crap you want for your "engagement party?" Yeah, I see a bright, happy, mature future for you. Maybe when you grow tired of riding his dick (because you've been dick starved) you'll see that "marrying" it isn't "true love." Idiot.


Well, I know who failed at reading comprehension.
 
2012-10-08 01:23:37 PM  

KatjaMouse: Ross E. Krushan:

Well, I know who failed at reading comprehension.


/chortles

You should know better than to throw a common figure of speech into a sentence that is filled with words ;)
 
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