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(Gawker)   Dearest Friends, Thank you for agreeing to be a bridesmaid, here are some guidelines for you to follow. Please be aware that if you cannot commit the next six-months of your lives to me then you will be replaced, but you are still invited to attend   (gawker.com) divider line 374
    More: Asinine  
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23615 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2012 at 10:05 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-05 09:31:26 AM  
Hope for the groom's sake that he sees this and runs screaming for the exit.
 
2012-10-05 09:47:16 AM  
Sister is getting married in June and I get to be the maid of honor. Never done it before, but things like this make me soooo happy I'm an ocean away in case she or my mother get crazy.

/that and I'm pretty ok missing the wedding dress shopping this weekend with the two of them I admit...
 
2012-10-05 09:47:57 AM  
The poor guy will be wanting a divorce by Labor Day in 2013.
 
2012-10-05 09:49:20 AM  
Tank it!
 
2012-10-05 09:50:09 AM  
Jake, for the love of god, boy... run like hell.
 
2012-10-05 09:52:08 AM  
I'm betting some creature from the Jersey Shore wrote these demands.
 
2012-10-05 09:56:41 AM  
"Dearest Bride and Former Friend,

Go squat and piss up a tree.

Love, Me."

/only response that is appropriate to coonts like that
 
2012-10-05 10:07:05 AM  
Considering the bride's grasp of English, how the hell did she make the money to pay for trips to Vegas and expensive Colorado ski resorts?

/yes, yes, i know what the fark answer will be.
 
2012-10-05 10:07:57 AM  
She's having parties in multiple states that each require flying there? WTF?!
 
2012-10-05 10:08:18 AM  
At an airport the other day, I saw a young woman walk by with a t-shirt with the number "1" on the back and "MAID OF HONOR" as if it was her name on a sports jersey. A moment later, two more walked by with numbers and "BRIDESMAID."
 
2012-10-05 10:09:05 AM  
Soooo glad the wedding I was in last weekend wasn't hosted by a bridezilla. But then I doubt I'd be friends with her if she was some sort of entitled twitbag like this. Why do these people even HAVE friends?
 
2012-10-05 10:09:25 AM  
Run Jake. Run
 
2012-10-05 10:10:19 AM  
... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon
 
2012-10-05 10:11:26 AM  
Oh jeez. Her fiance is in for an absoutely miserable life if he doesn't run away fast.
 
2012-10-05 10:11:39 AM  
As someone that can't comprehend the desire to marry anyone, I've bailed out of many weddings when I felt like I was becoming a conscript rather than a guest.

I'll show up and party at your pre-divorce ceremony, but please don't assume I'll excitedly offer free labor and time because it's your special day.
 
2012-10-05 10:11:41 AM  

lackadaisicalfreakshow: Soooo glad the wedding I was in last weekend wasn't hosted by a bridezilla. But then I doubt I'd be friends with her if she was some sort of entitled twitbag like this. Why do these people even HAVE friends?


Because people are tards.
 
2012-10-05 10:11:51 AM  
1% problems
 
2012-10-05 10:12:25 AM  
Free advice for young Fark guys. If a woman expects you to put up with this shiat for her "special day" - just don't. This crap doesn't magically end on your wedding day. She'll want the perfect honeymoon, the perfect house, the perfect car, your undivided attention for every trivial thing in her life and it will never end. First wedding? I played this game and within 4 years we were divorced. I simply couldn't take it. My second marriage? We jumped a plane to vegas, got married in street clothes, and spent our honeymoon being tourists in the Grand Canyon and floating down a river. That was 18 years ago. I love her more today than I did then.
 
2012-10-05 10:12:25 AM  
your going to the wrong wedding.

Is it your wedding? Then, yeah, definitely the wrong wedding.
 
2012-10-05 10:12:39 AM  
This trend of spending up to (and possibly over) $100k just to tie the knot is ridiculous and takes all the joy out of attending weddings and pre-wedding parties.
 
2012-10-05 10:12:55 AM  
Tank It Lemon!
 
2012-10-05 10:13:00 AM  
Advice to groom, run.
 
2012-10-05 10:13:54 AM  
My BFF is getting married in a few weeks and I'm her maid of honor. It's her third marriage so she is being awesomely low key about it. My instructions so far are show up, wear something pink or black. And she gave me a nifty badge that reads "Best biatch."
 
2012-10-05 10:13:54 AM  

KarmicDisaster: Advice to groom, run.


Running may not be fast enough... someone get on their motorcycle and have him jump on.
 
2012-10-05 10:13:55 AM  

BrynnMacFlynn: ... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon


Break out of gender roles. Propose to him.
 
2012-10-05 10:13:59 AM  

BrynnMacFlynn: ... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon


You can be picky and not be a biatch about it. Just be specific about what you want, be prepared to do a lot of the work yourself, and don't complain if that exact shade of begonia isn't readily available.

/got my country wedding with a bagpipe fanfare.
 
2012-10-05 10:14:00 AM  

HotWingConspiracy: I'll show up and party at your pre-divorce ceremony, but please don't assume I'll excitedly offer free labor and time because it's your special day.


You sound like as good of a friend as the biatch in the article.
 
2012-10-05 10:14:01 AM  
Jake! we're with you, man! Run! Run like the wind.....!!
 
2012-10-05 10:14:08 AM  

BrynnMacFlynn: ... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon


No, it's not.
 
2012-10-05 10:14:57 AM  
It's not a coronation, b*tch. It's a wedding.
 
2012-10-05 10:15:09 AM  
Bride sounds fat.

/Dear Jake,
//Run.
///Run until your feet bleed, bandage them, run some more.
////Repeat.
 
2012-10-05 10:15:38 AM  
If my friends have a "big roll" for me, they'd better have a lighter, some Doritos, and a can of air freshener to go with it.
 
2012-10-05 10:16:47 AM  

lilplatinum: HotWingConspiracy: I'll show up and party at your pre-divorce ceremony, but please don't assume I'll excitedly offer free labor and time because it's your special day.

You sound like as good of a friend as the biatch in the article.


I'm an excellent friend, and that shouldn't be abused.
 
2012-10-05 10:18:09 AM  
a) Utter biatch
b) Doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're"
c) Uses "gonna"

Conclusion: She's not just a coont.. she's an ignorant coont.

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN? RUN!!
 
2012-10-05 10:18:17 AM  
That insufferable coont is going to have a lifetime of disappointment ahead of her. Just a matter of time before her entitled attitude sends "Jake" into the arms of his secretary, some skank at the club, or ANYONE ELSE BUT MY SHRILL, DEMANDING, GREEDY biatch OF A WIFE.
 
2012-10-05 10:18:38 AM  
My response would be:
DIAF.

Nothing more.
 
2012-10-05 10:18:43 AM  

Too Pretty For Prison: Free advice for young Fark guys. If a woman expects you to put up with this shiat for her "special day" - just don't. This crap doesn't magically end on your wedding day. She'll want the perfect honeymoon, the perfect house, the perfect car, your undivided attention for every trivial thing in her life and it will never end. First wedding? I played this game and within 4 years we were divorced. I simply couldn't take it. My second marriage? We jumped a plane to vegas, got married in street clothes, and spent our honeymoon being tourists in the Grand Canyon and floating down a river. That was 18 years ago. I love her more today than I did then.


THIS.
I had almost the same experience. without the vegas and grand canyon. Marriage is an outdated institution.
 
2012-10-05 10:18:47 AM  
i46.tinypic.com
 
2012-10-05 10:19:06 AM  
Everyone here is going to cover the biatch angle, so I'm gonna touch on the intelligence angle. When you make a spelling or grammatical mistake in an email and it's no big deal. Maybe even a few mistakes are okay if you were quick banging an email out. But when you make dozens in a single email, that reads like it's the most important email you've ever written, I think the only fair conclusion to draw is this chick is either really stupid, or English is not her first (or second, or third) language.
 
2012-10-05 10:19:25 AM  

namegoeshere: BrynnMacFlynn: ... Okay, wives of Fark, be honest, is it really necessary to be a complete biatch? Do you wish you'd been a bridezilla if only a little? Did it really ruin your entire life to not control every little detail of the wedding?

/important because I'm hoping and hoping that the boyfriend will propose soon

No, it's not.


My dress advice (especially if you don't have Stepford bridesmaids.) Pick a fabric, length, neckline, sleeve length. Find a good, flexible seamstress. Have the bridesmaids meet with the seamstress and pick a dress design that is most flattering to them. This option is cheaper than paying $$$$$$$ for pre-made dresses that only flatter perfect figures, and will make your bridesmaids much happier than paying out the ass for a dress they hate. Your wedding party will look better, too.
 
2012-10-05 10:19:50 AM  

markfara: It's not a coronation, b*tch. It's a wedding.


I lol'd.
 
2012-10-05 10:19:51 AM  
Anyone remember the movie City Slickers with Billy Crystal? Daniel Stern's character's, Phil, wife?
 
2012-10-05 10:20:08 AM  
white women problems
 
2012-10-05 10:20:48 AM  

minoridiot: The poor guy will be wanting a divorce by Labor Day in 2013.


Or she'll be pregnant so she can be the center of attention again.

Too Pretty For Prison:stirred Free advice for young Fark guys. If a woman expects you to put up with this shiat for her "special day" - just don't. This crap doesn't magically end on your wedding day. She'll want the perfect honeymoon, the perfect house, the perfect car, your undivided attention for every trivial thing in her life and it will never end. First wedding? I played this game and within 4 years we were divorced. I simply couldn't take it. My second marriage? We jumped a plane to vegas, got married in street clothes, and spent our honeymoon being tourists in the Grand Canyon and floating down a river. That was 18 years ago. I love her more today than I did then.

▲read that again. A wedding is just the day you get married and if you focus so much attention on the wedding and being the center of attention you probably aren't even thinking about being married. Best wedding I ever went to and the only time I was a best man was a friend who got married by a JP with two strangers a witnesses. They took a week for a honeymoon and then had a huge casual picnic for a wedding. They were interested in being married not being the center of attention.
 
2012-10-05 10:21:00 AM  

BrynnMacFlynn: is it really necessary to be a complete biatch?


It's never necessary. Weddings are a big deal for what they represent, not for what they are. In the end, they're a big party, and if you're shelling out a ton of money, then sure, you can be picky about what you like. But you don't have to be a jerk about it at all.
 
2012-10-05 10:22:06 AM  

RassilonsExWife: a) Utter biatch
b) Doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're"
c) Uses "gonna"


or roll and role.

anyone think this is fake?
 
2012-10-05 10:22:17 AM  
While it is a good idea to give your wedding party a solid list of their responsibilities, it's not a good idea to make their entire lives revolve around your wedding day for several months. They are not enlisting as your servants. They have lives and budgets, and you are not entitled to very large portions of either.
 
2012-10-05 10:23:49 AM  
I'm calling BS on that email, unless these girls are all trust fund babies.

Even then: "So sorry, but go eff yourself."
 
2012-10-05 10:24:08 AM  
I think Jake will be fine, he's going to be at work on Wall Street all the time anyway. He'll have his share of whores and mistresses. For people of this lifestyle this is no more than a business arrangement. You don't get this self centered without a high level of wealth and privilege. I pity them in that there is probably no true love there, kinda sad really.
 
2012-10-05 10:24:15 AM  
Mind. Blown.

Dating is like a weird combination of Bull Riding and Russian Roulette. And if you lose, you wind up with somebody like her.

But my hand is far too well moisturized, so I don't really have a choice.
 
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