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(Yahoo)   After four weeks, the Falcons and Texans are at the top of the NFL power rankings, the sAints and the Jaguars at the bottom. But it's all the fault of the scab refs, right?   ( divider line
    More: Interesting, Jaguars, Vikings, Texans, NFL, Saints, Hakeem Nicks, Santana Moss, Ian Poulter  
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1901 clicks; posted to Sports » on 02 Oct 2012 at 10:39 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-10-02 04:57:50 PM  
3 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate an incredible accomplishment. An incredible victory, really. For what we saw on Monday night wasn't just a football game, people. It wasn't a football game in the slightest. It was a war. A war of attrition encapsulating two opposite philosophies, a battle between two separate paths...not just for the game of football, but for something much more precious indeed. This Monday night, while you were getting ready for some football? Our winner was getting ready to save the soul of America.

Cut back to Sunday. This culture warrior was doing what all freedom loving Americans do on Sundays - watch football and ignore wives. Happy as a clam he was, if eating clams wasn't for hoity-toity foreigners. Happy as a bacon cheeseburger he was, stuffing that greasy pigskin in his mouth as he watched the pigskin fly through the air like greased lightning. Nothing could seemingly go wrong on this perfect day of the Lord in the best country on God's green Earth.

Then suddenly, the afternoon took a dark turn. His eyes became clouded with rage as his attention was turned to the Patriots/Bills game. Like he even enjoyed watching a team representing a bunch of granola-munching flagburners anyway - multiple states chock-a-block full of them, natch - but even he couldn't help but watch the national disgrace that was taking place. As if watching the New England team wasn't bad enough, he had to watch some famine-stricken Irishman named Ryan Fitzpatrick try to steal this award away from true Americans?

"No Goddamn way," this gunslinger thought to himself. "Fitzfarkingpatrick? No farking way some muck shoveling potato eater's taking this trophy. No douchebag who worships a king in a pointy hat what sits on his throne in Rome is going to grab a little more of this American dream. This isn't the America I grew up and it ain't the BY GOD AMERICA I'm gonna die in!"

Prior to the game, our intrepid hero took a moment to reflect. Standing at his locker, looking at the blue star bright on his helmet, he took a knee and prayed for the strength to guide him through what was his sacred charge. Regaining his feet, he laid out photos of three wise men, three real American heroes, and once again closed his eyes. He saw himself shaking the hand of our nation's first president, George Washington. He pictured what it might be like to share a jellybean or two with Ronald Reagan. Finally, he saw himself awkwardly standing next to Mitt Romney, Mitt muttering something about the Cowboys signing a great new three point shooter this year.

He was ready.

Taking the field, it suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. The sight of it was everywhere. The entire field was polluted with reminders of what he had to do. As if saving this precious prize for Real America wasn't enough, as if protecting its virtue from some egghead ivory tower motherfarker from Harvard wasn't enough, our heroic quarterback's guts churned at one solitary sight.

A big orange C, all over helmets, all over equipment, all over everything in the greatest football stadium in America, housing America's Goddamned Team.

CHICAGO. The land of an Alinsky-loving, arugula-munching, community organizer that had stolen his country four years ago...of course. It had to be. Looking up through the hole in the roof, he just nodded and said, "Oh, I hear you, sweet baby Jesus. I farking hear you loud and clear."

It was hard going at the beginning. The first quarter, despite his best efforts, was clean as a sheet. He'd throw it over his receivers' heads, only to watch the ball flutter uselessly to the turf. He'd chuck it straight at their feet, and somehow Austin or Witten would make shoestring catches, turning what seemed to be sure turnovers into first downs. He even tried just dumping the ball on the ground, but some useless asshole teammate had to leap on top of it to save the possession! The game crept along to a 3-0 Blame America Firster lead, and all seemed lost.

Standing on the sideline, baseball cap turned handsomely backward as ever, this quarterback was lost in feverish thought. "Didn't they know what was at stake here? It's as if they know nothing about this award, how its loss will OBVIOUSLY lead to abortions on demand and guns being banned!" he ranted to himself as he grabbed a cup of fruit punch Gatorade.

"God, it's even as if - "

Time stopped. He blinked once, twice..."no, couldn't be," he muttered as he peered into his Gatorade. His rough, callused fingers squeezed the paper cup tightly as his eyes widened. The contents of the cup...were moving. Shifting. The red contents spread to the sides as the middle was at once dry.

And then, he was there.

His beard as resplendent as ever, his miniaturized form couldn't miniaturize his manliness.

"Chuck Norris," the gunslinger shakily said, unsure of if it could really be possible.

"I heard you were having some trouble, son," Chuck's voice rumbled.

"Well, yeah, I'm doing my best to win it this week, but these guys - "

"Oh, you're trying your best? That sounds like a whining loser to me, some little biatch who wants their dumbass kid to get a trophy and a gold star no matter what they farking do on the field! Maybe we should get you a minivan and slap a pair of tits on you right now, how about that!"

"I'll try harder, I'll do better - "

"You know what to do, boy. You stand up for tradition. You stand up for the principles this country was founded on. You give a roundhouse kick to Ryan Fitzpatrick's teeth for Real America and you throw it to Dez Bryant!"

Thunderstruck, it all became clear to our embattled champion. "Throw it to Dez Bryant. Of course."

"Goddamn right, of course. Now finish this Gatorade. Drink of this cup. Do this in remembrance of me. And Invasion U.S.A., that was awesome."

Taking it with both hands, he finished his fruit punch that had suddenly turned copper-y in his mouth and retook the field. With his objective firmly in mind, he just couldn't lose.

One throw to Bryant, gone for six courtesy of Tillman. Bang.

"Easy as farking pie. Right on the board with a 16.7. Pick six, motherfarker. You're gonna have to get better than socialist health care to take my foot out of your ass now, baby. Romocare for all you godless hippie jackoffs!"

Halftime passed quickly.

"Red zone? We're gonna get points? I'm gonna get points, asshole. One more pick six? Why the fark not, I've got the highest fourth quarter QB rating since 2007. There it goes. 50.0 I'm onto you now, biatch. You want same-sex marriage? Here's my male hand marrying itself to the side of your questionably male douchebag face!"

The fourth quarter dawned. 15 minutes left to decide whether this award would forevermore be a shining trophy on a hill or a captured icon adrift behind enemy lines, set on a speaker of some godforsaken jam band.

"Two picks needed? No farking problem. Let's show off the gun as I do it, let's give the prettiest cheerleaders in God's country something to get moist over. Nailed it. Tie ballgame, biatch."

8:30 to go. The clock ticking downward. Would the hated leader's own favorite football team be able to throw the awarding into doubt, a lame tie causing debate and acrimony among its followers? Not a chance. All this quarterback needed was one more chance. One more try to let the football soar, soar like she's never soared before, from rocky coast to golden shooooooooooore...

"This one's for you, B. Hussein. Your team out there, so I know your commie ass is watching. I hope this picture pisses you off!"

The ball was chucked directly to the defense.

The award was safely his with 5:51 left to spare.

It was morning once again in America, friends. And it was glorious.

For saving the republic, for overcoming steep odds in the face of a truly awful second half performance by his competition, for throwing 5 interceptions on Monday night, I am proud to award the Week 4 Jake to Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys.

Anything to say, fans?

Oh, he was. He really was.
2012-10-02 11:00:04 AM  
3 votes:

mikaloyd: For the Saints? No the refs didnt kill em. Roger Goodell did

Yeah it couldn't have been the fault of your coaches and GM who admitted they were running an illegal pay for play scheme. It was all that mean old Roger Goodell. He makes Breesus throw an interception a game and the defense give up 40 per.

Good luck with that persecution complex, maybe it will help get you through this season.
2012-10-02 10:46:24 AM  
2 votes:
Why are we switching power rankings mid season? Im OK with Yahoo or ESPN or any other blog but we should pick one and stay with it. Either go back to ESPN or stay with Yahoo the rest of the season please. For the sake of the graphs.
2012-10-02 08:11:59 PM  
1 vote:
And to think: he was *one* lost fumble (damn you, Romo, for not losing that one fumble you were credited with!) away from going Full Jake, and likely cementing him for the Jake of the Year award. Oh, well, he has 12 more games to make it.
2012-10-02 04:54:12 PM  
1 vote:
Why would Di bring graphs to a Yahoo thread? All her graphs are ESPN
2012-10-02 04:04:55 PM  
1 vote:

Treygreen13: RangerTaylor: Unlike the enduring hatred I have of the Cowboys

I guess one could ask you the same thing. How could you hold a grudge against the Cowboys for so long? It's been almost 20 years since the Cowboys beat the Bills in the Super Bowl.

Never Mind Buffalo. If you grow up a Redskin fan in the early 70's, that's just-what-you-do.
C'mon, George Allen Vs. Tom Landry? 

This weekend- Redskins pull out a win, Dallas loses *and* gets a Delhomme. Have to admit it's sweet. But for a bunch of the Dallas farkers here and a few others I know in other places? I guess I'm getting soft because I do feel for ya. For some reason I can't hold the grudge any more for stuff like Clint Longley, you suck! or Dallas's Only farking win in 1989 .

That said, I'm gonna quit looking up all the things that bug me because it's starting to bug me :) I just hope I can hang in the threads for this years games. 

2012-10-02 03:02:28 PM  
1 vote:

ZMugg: NEDM: Waxing_Chewbacca: NEDM: The Falcons at number one. Really. They only won against the Panthers because Cam Newton was stupid and they got lucky. Meanwhile, the Texans are actually demolishing the teams that they're supposed to beat instead of barely squeaking by, but that only gets them a number 2 spot apparently.

/inb4 "they haven't beat anyone real yet"
//Neither have the Falcons

I agree 100%. They're number one at ESPN. Hopefully last week was not an aberration for the Pats and that game will be epic.

Indeed. Although, I think it's safe to say that Brady isn't looking forward to facing off against MegaWatt!

/thanks for smashing the Bills in on Sunday, by the way.
//Only regret is that Houston wasn't able to do it themselves; we've got The Comeback to avenge.

[ image 285x242] = [ image 280x239]

Just saying. 

the flaming thumbtacks need to avenge that loss

Ask a Buffalo fan. We remember the Comeback and the Music City Miracle. I'd say we are even.
2012-10-02 02:41:13 PM  
1 vote:

VvonderJesus: Please stop talking about the Vikings as a good team. It will make our collapse less noticeable.


/The Vikings are to damn high!!
2012-10-02 01:23:59 PM  
1 vote:

pute kisses like a man: js34603: mikaloyd: For the Saints? No the refs didnt kill em. Roger Goodell did

Yeah it couldn't have been the fault of your coaches and GM who admitted they were running an illegal pay for play scheme. It was all that mean old Roger Goodell. He makes Breesus throw an interception a game and the defense give up 40 per.

Good luck with that persecution complex, maybe it will help get you through this season.

the issue is why the saints are not doing well this season. because goodell.

that's not a persecution complex. that's an explanation. if the saints had their coaching staff and full roster, they would probably be doing much better. no one is even mentioning why their coaching staff and players are missing. that's immaterial to the discussion of performance.

Save your breath. You're dealing with people who have conflated a pay-for-performance scheme with dirty play despite being hit in the face continually with the facts.
2012-10-02 01:05:51 PM  
1 vote:

justme317: Harv72b, with your explanations and predictions, you have been favorited!

Di's, Robsul's and your posts make this thread the one I look forward to the most every week.


Appreciate it! I suspect a lot of people just tl;dr it so it's nice to know that someone besides me enjoys reading them. ;)
2012-10-02 01:04:12 PM  
1 vote:

rickythepenguin: /i'm no Mike Pereira, but I can't think of any situation where a ball that never touches the ground, which is receovered by the defense, is not a turnover. Offensively, if a player throws a forward lateral to another offensive player, that's not permissible but defensively, if the ball never touches the ground, it is game on.

The question wasn't whether or not it was a turnover. It's whether or not a ball knocked out of a hand is an INT or a Fumble.
2012-10-02 01:01:43 PM  
1 vote:

Treygreen13: Jubeebee: If he gets credit for that play, that's 5 sacks and 2 additional TFL in 4 games.

I'm still confused as to why it was ruled an INT, and not a Forced Fumble. Last week, Tony had a defender get an arm on him in an almost identical way, and they ruled the ball popping out in an almost identical way wasn't a forward pass and was therefore a fumble. But this week it's a forward pass, I suppose because it popped right into the hands of a defender.

Shovel pass INT, for the lulz.
2012-10-02 12:29:37 PM  
1 vote:

NEDM: You can't just sit pouting in the thread and hope they notice.

90% of Fark is sitting in threads pouting. The other 10% is memes.
2012-10-02 11:47:56 AM  
1 vote:
2012-10-02 11:25:48 AM  
1 vote:

retarded: mikaloyd: For the Saints? No the refs didnt kill em. Roger Goodell did


Nope, the Saints killed the Saints.

Accountability, how does it work?
2012-10-02 11:23:12 AM  
1 vote:

Stimied in a Rut: This guy apparently didn't watch the game because the 9ers did not eek out a win against the Jets. They destroyed them in every aspect of the game. Offense, defense, special teams, not looking like biatches and not having to share a stadium. Also there was absolutely 0 threat from Sanchez or Tebow and there hasn't been since the first game of the season. This guy is a horrible writer and needs to be fired.

Have another cup of coffee and read it again.
2012-10-02 11:18:47 AM  
1 vote:
seahawks didn't do as well when russell wilson's interceptions don't count as touchdowns.
2012-10-02 11:18:44 AM  
1 vote:
With Fark's fetish for graphs and the jake, this place has to be the autism capital of the Internet.
2012-10-02 11:03:03 AM  
1 vote:

mikaloyd: Why are we switching power rankings mid season? Im OK with Yahoo or ESPN or any other blog but we should pick one and stay with it. Either go back to ESPN or stay with Yahoo the rest of the season please. For the sake of the graphs.

This. I prefer Yahoo's PRs personally, but for the sake of consistency, we need to keep it at ESPN.
2012-10-02 10:58:44 AM  
1 vote:

TwoBeersOneCan: retarded: mikaloyd: For the Saints? No the refs didnt kill em. Roger Goodell did


Some would argue karma killed them.

what did karma get for taking them out for the season? $1K? $5K?
2012-10-02 10:57:15 AM  
1 vote:

retarded: mikaloyd: For the Saints? No the refs didnt kill em. Roger Goodell did


Some would argue karma killed them.
2012-10-02 10:47:08 AM  
1 vote:
Wait, did anyone expect the Jaguars to be anything but suck this year? Why is it a surprise that they're in the basement?
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