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(LA Times)   Two competing Christian broadcasting companies have purchased plots overlooking the Mount of Olives in Israel, just in case the King of Kings decides to descend soon. Now THAT is reality TV   (latimes.com) divider line 23
    More: Amusing, Mount of Olives, Orthodox Jewish, Jews in Israel, christian evangelism  
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3944 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Oct 2012 at 10:45 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2012-10-01 10:56:24 AM
15 votes:
The Revelation will be televised.
2012-10-01 12:47:02 PM
5 votes:

indylaw: Meanwhile, in the relatively normal mainline world, we'll be busy with a bake sale and soup kitchen while the evangelicals park their campers in Jerusalem for the real Greatest Show on Earth.


Just imagine this.

Let's pretend that, while these guys are broadcasting live, and they're commenting how "glorious it will be" when the Lord arrives, the trumpets sound. Odd, they don't sound like actual clarinets, but horns, but ok, it's the ancient world. The sky splits open and the sun shines upon the land, removing any clouds in that day. The congregation that might have assembled there kneels and prays and sings "Hallelujah!" as the imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ is heralded by the appearance of a million heavenly shapes appear in the now-split open sky, and the sound of... Warcries? That can't be right.

Then, the crowd in the sky charges towards the ground. They have no wings, they don't look like angels. They look like dirty medieval warriors, clad in chain mail and leather armor, biting their shields and swinging their axes wildly, and they are lead by a man carrying an oversized hammer, riding a chariot pulled by two goats.

The congregation is confused. Some are still kneeling, praying that this is not happening, others run the fark outta there, a very few just look dumbfounded, but know what this means. Then, the ground shakes and splits open, scores of giants appearing in the ground, ready to meet the Aesir and the Einherjar in one last battle.
2012-10-01 11:15:13 AM
4 votes:
1. hire helicopter with winch.

2. dress up like Jesus and descend via the winch from the helicopter that's hidden by cloud.

3. Prophet.
2012-10-01 11:10:31 AM
4 votes:
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye shot him.
2012-10-01 10:46:59 AM
4 votes:
But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.
2012-10-01 10:53:46 AM
3 votes:
A more accurate headline would have been "Two chumps fleeced of their money."
2012-10-01 11:04:23 AM
2 votes:
Christians: Be careful. If you convert ALL the Jews, then Jesus won't come back.
2012-10-02 03:40:20 PM
1 votes:

Gaseous Anomaly: frankenSTEEN: "I *have* read it from cover to cover. Old testament twice, new testament 3 times"

A question on gay rights then:

From what I understand, the only place the Bible condemns homosexuality is in Leviticus, right?

If so, then as far as gay rights are concerned one doesn't have to try to repudiate the Bible. One could just point out that if someone doesn't follow Levitical law (like Orthodox Jews do) then they have no business condemning gays on religious grounds.

I've used that argument before - is there something I'm missing? (I heard that Paul's letters were down on the gays, but if I understand correctly those aren't *scripture* per se).

/god hates shrimp


I have only ever met 3-5 Christians who do not count Paul's letters and etc to *not* be scripture. (was that like a quadruple negative??) Those few I would not be at all suprised to learn that they are agnostics or atheists by now. Anecdotal evidence, I know.

Yes, homosexuality is mentioned several times in the NT, as is the call for their deaths. In at least one place as I understand it (but my interpretation could be wrong) it also calls for the deaths of those that support them. In other words, if you support gay rights you also desrve to die. That is from Romans 1:18-32'ish. This is one of my favorite passages to use, because it forces X-ians to confront the reality of their hate/bigotry. In other words, if they base their bigotry on the bible (OT or NT) they *must* also accept the punishments as defined by the bible. It's always a good time when I get to explain to those non-bible reading (as in not the entire bible) bigots that their 'kind and loving' scripture calls for the deaths of literally 10's of millions of Americans, not to mention the (probably) 100's of millions of gays world-wide. And that number still doesn't include the 100's of millions (I hope) of people who support gay rights. As in, "I hope there are 100's of millions of gay rights supporters."

I also like watching them squirm when I bring up the due process/equal protection clauses from the Constitution/BoR. They squirm like worms on a hot sidealk when I ask them why they are trying to pass laws that will treat millions of Americans as second class citizens. It's funny watching the pinball of cognative disonance ricochet around their minds. That is typically followed by various combinations of deer in the headlights, stammering, WTF?, who-tha-how-tha-what-the, etc. You know, the usual expressions of people who have just now realized the enormity of their own bigotry/stupidity. Then the party ends for me because then they start to rattle of out of contexrt scriptures that (even *if* in context) have absolutely nothing to do with what we are talking about. They have raised their inpenetrable 'scripture shields' that block anything that looks, acts, or smells like logic. reason, or facts.

For a short form of this particular game, wait til somene brings up the whole "America was founded as a Christian nation" nonsense. Then remind/school them of Art.11 from the Treaty of Tripoli (look it up). The looks of utter confusion, disbelief, and 'how can this be??!?!?!?' are pert-near priceless! It's even better when you get the deniers. Even if you show them the treaty and/or read it to them, they STILL can't get it through their thick skulls. You can just about literally see them mentally sticking their fingers in their ears and going 'LALALAICAN'THEARYOULALALA' Good times, good times.

And if they fall back to the old "hate the sin, love the sinner" BS, ask them how they can reconcile the following statement : I hate people with black skin, but love people of African descent. To paraphrase Pinhead, "Their consternation will be legendary."
2012-10-02 02:23:16 PM
1 votes:
Too bad Eshoo Nazaretha aka Jesus Christ is now a buddhist hotdog aka one with everything, and cannot reincarnate, because he is part of the foundation of light. He no longer exists as a discrete being. Thus he can't return. However, he does have a successor, who is in this world now. However, you will never see him, never hear from him, and when his work is done, you won't even know that he did anything. You will never meet him, nor will I. So sit back and enjoy the ride, because if you blink, you'll miss it.

American Christians, are you arrogant enough that you really think you understand and comprehend the mind of your own savior and your own god? Oh, wait, of course most of you are. Not all of you, just most of you.
2012-10-02 02:06:35 PM
1 votes:

Langdon_777: Harry Freakstorm: Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...

Oh, we're hear at the holy site where we believe God will make his entrance. We assume he'll be arriving by cloud and wearing a flowing, golden robe of his design. As of yet. No word on when he'll arrive, but it should be soon. Back to you.

Well, why we are waiting here is an artist rendition of what it might look like. Notice that we did not include a graven image of the Lord himself. He's represented by this smiley face here.

"It is I, Lord, thy God. I have returned. Things will change. Read you Bible. It is thy's word."

Wow. Can't wait for that to happen. Tammy. Anything?

Nope. Nada.

Well, we'll just wait patiently for the Lord's return. Wouldn't look to good if he showed up and there was no one to welcome him. Hang on. I'm getting a report. This just in. God has returned to the Earth! He has reportedly stepped down from a golden pillar of clouds in Salina, Kansas. Look like the Mormons nailed it. As we speak, millions of Mormons are being recalled to their treasures in Heaven. If, like myself, you petitioned the Mormon Church to remove you from their registry, well, you can expect to stay below and suffer with the other unbelievers.

We don't have a camera in Salina, but the report says that all the faithful have been gathered up and the Holy Lord has broken the seven seals and spilled plague, pestilence and you know, the rest. Satan has announce 100% control of the Earth and it's remaining population.

And in keeping with the sudden change in management, we return you to 24 hours of Three's Company. All the episodes are Terri episodes, by the way. No Chrissy.

Won't they be surprised when She appears in all Her Glory ;)
(I wonder if they will forgive her darker skin too)


Wanna know how I know that that Bible novel was written by chauvinistic men that disrespect women?
2012-10-01 01:15:37 PM
1 votes:
So when Jesus pops up out of Mount Olive... do we have 800 more years of Christianity if he sees his shadow?
2012-10-01 11:36:53 AM
1 votes:
Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...

Oh, we're hear at the holy site where we believe God will make his entrance. We assume he'll be arriving by cloud and wearing a flowing, golden robe of his design. As of yet. No word on when he'll arrive, but it should be soon. Back to you.

Well, why we are waiting here is an artist rendition of what it might look like. Notice that we did not include a graven image of the Lord himself. He's represented by this smiley face here.

"It is I, Lord, thy God. I have returned. Things will change. Read you Bible. It is thy's word."

Wow. Can't wait for that to happen. Tammy. Anything?

Nope. Nada.

Well, we'll just wait patiently for the Lord's return. Wouldn't look to good if he showed up and there was no one to welcome him. Hang on. I'm getting a report. This just in. God has returned to the Earth! He has reportedly stepped down from a golden pillar of clouds in Salina, Kansas. Look like the Mormons nailed it. As we speak, millions of Mormons are being recalled to their treasures in Heaven. If, like myself, you petitioned the Mormon Church to remove you from their registry, well, you can expect to stay below and suffer with the other unbelievers.

We don't have a camera in Salina, but the report says that all the faithful have been gathered up and the Holy Lord has broken the seven seals and spilled plague, pestilence and you know, the rest. Satan has announce 100% control of the Earth and it's remaining population.

And in keeping with the sudden change in management, we return you to 24 hours of Three's Company. All the episodes are Terri episodes, by the way. No Chrissy.
2012-10-01 11:30:27 AM
1 votes:
Jesus speaking (Matthew 24:32-34 NIV):

"Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. 33 Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it[a] is near, right at the door. 34 Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened."

I guess gods "this generation" is 2000+ yrs. But his return will certainly be any day now* amirite christians?

* Where any day is not specifically called out, but sometime within our lifetime...

/ This is what xtians believe/have believed for 1000s of years
// Where is your god now?
2012-10-01 11:25:33 AM
1 votes:
I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.
2012-10-01 11:23:44 AM
1 votes:

Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.


That's why they have a 24 hour live RaptureCam set up there.
2012-10-01 11:14:37 AM
1 votes:
Saw King of Kings...

images2.wikia.nocookie.net
2012-10-01 11:04:21 AM
1 votes:
Two competing Christian broadcasting companies have purchased plots overlooking the Mount of Olives in Israel, just in case the King of Kings decides to descend soon. Now THAT is reality TV

The joke is on them: It's the King of Queens that will be coming back.
2012-10-01 11:03:58 AM
1 votes:
Meh. Make fun if you want... But this makes sense from their perspective. If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?
2012-10-01 11:03:25 AM
1 votes:
Why do these people think that the bible is God's personal day planner?
2012-10-01 10:56:11 AM
1 votes:
They're a really dedicated crew of LARPers.
2012-10-01 10:51:48 AM
1 votes:
I find it more hilarious that Christian Broadcasting companies are staffing the Mount of Olives based off of a calendar from a completely unrelated religion on the other side of the world.

I am guessing they totally don't get the irony.

/and the calendar doesn't end
//its just a new cycle
///just like what happens with our calendar every year except with a much longer time scale
2012-10-01 10:51:37 AM
1 votes:
When he does descend everyone is going to scream and holler about the liberal saviorstream media!
2012-10-01 10:50:39 AM
1 votes:
home.comcast.net
Delusions are a type of reality.
 
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