Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(LA Times)   Two competing Christian broadcasting companies have purchased plots overlooking the Mount of Olives in Israel, just in case the King of Kings decides to descend soon. Now THAT is reality TV   (latimes.com) divider line 112
    More: Amusing, Mount of Olives, Orthodox Jewish, Jews in Israel, christian evangelism  
•       •       •

3956 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Oct 2012 at 10:45 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



112 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread
 
2012-10-01 10:46:59 AM  
But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.
 
2012-10-01 10:50:22 AM  
Jesus farking Christ - these people are dumb. Yes, they are just as retarded as the mormons for believing magical underpants are a requirement and that their candidates can 'lie for the lord'
 
2012-10-01 10:50:39 AM  
home.comcast.net
Delusions are a type of reality.
 
2012-10-01 10:51:37 AM  
When he does descend everyone is going to scream and holler about the liberal saviorstream media!
 
2012-10-01 10:51:48 AM  
I find it more hilarious that Christian Broadcasting companies are staffing the Mount of Olives based off of a calendar from a completely unrelated religion on the other side of the world.

I am guessing they totally don't get the irony.

/and the calendar doesn't end
//its just a new cycle
///just like what happens with our calendar every year except with a much longer time scale
 
2012-10-01 10:53:46 AM  
A more accurate headline would have been "Two chumps fleeced of their money."
 
2012-10-01 10:54:16 AM  

Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.


Maybe they're ensuring good advertising revenue for any of their employees who don't qualify for instant retirement.
That's very Christian of them.
 
2012-10-01 10:55:27 AM  
They want the world to end in a nuclear holocaust soon.
Let me repeat, they actually want that, and want it to happen soon.
 
2012-10-01 10:56:11 AM  
They're a really dedicated crew of LARPers.
 
2012-10-01 10:56:24 AM  
The Revelation will be televised.
 
2012-10-01 10:57:23 AM  

Nezorf: When he does descend everyone is going to scream and holler about the liberal saviorstream media!


Not if he descends to about the right height.
 
2012-10-01 10:58:33 AM  
I think it is really cool that Jesus tells us not to worry about material things because the real treasure is in heaven...

But you better farking kill, maim and destroy because I really did this overlook. After all the holy trinity really is location, location, location.
 
2012-10-01 11:03:25 AM  
Why do these people think that the bible is God's personal day planner?
 
2012-10-01 11:03:58 AM  
Meh. Make fun if you want... But this makes sense from their perspective. If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?
 
2012-10-01 11:04:08 AM  

Oscar_Madisons_cleaning_lady: The Revelation will be televised.


Alright, we're done here.
 
2012-10-01 11:04:21 AM  
Two competing Christian broadcasting companies have purchased plots overlooking the Mount of Olives in Israel, just in case the King of Kings decides to descend soon. Now THAT is reality TV

The joke is on them: It's the King of Queens that will be coming back.
 
2012-10-01 11:04:23 AM  
Christians: Be careful. If you convert ALL the Jews, then Jesus won't come back.
 
2012-10-01 11:06:31 AM  

Oscar_Madisons_cleaning_lady: The Revelation will be televised.


Nice one!
 
2012-10-01 11:08:25 AM  
Also, does the Bible give a place for Satan returning? No? Fark it, I'm donning my robes (and wizard hat) and going to the Mount of Olives. I'll then go through the previously sealed temple door, produce a rabbit from under my hat, and the world will end. So there. Yeah, it's a Monday...
 
2012-10-01 11:09:46 AM  

Satanic_Hamster: Christians: Be careful. If you convert ALL the Jews, then Jesus won't come back.


Hmmm... tricky.
 
2012-10-01 11:10:31 AM  
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye shot him.
 
2012-10-01 11:11:45 AM  
Well Mormonism will be the state religion after Romney's landslide victory, which means Jesus will return in Missouri. Jackson County to be particular.
 
2012-10-01 11:11:49 AM  
You'd have a better chance of spotting the king of kings by getting a good seat tonight at the WWE RAW television broadcast.

/Time to play the GAAAAAAME
 
2012-10-01 11:12:35 AM  
Allen. The end.

Also, does the Bible give a place for Satan returning? No? Fark it, I'm donning my robes (and wizard hat) and going to the Mount of Olives. I'll then go through the previously sealed temple door, produce a rabbit from under my hat, and the world will end. So there. Yeah, it's a Monday...


The Christians get beamed up and then Satan gets to run the show for 7 years, I think. It's going to be a 'parking on the left is now parking on the right' kind of thing.
 
2012-10-01 11:14:05 AM  

Ass Exploder: Satanic_Hamster: Christians: Be careful. If you convert ALL the Jews, then Jesus won't come back.

Hmmm... tricky.


Don't worry. Most of them don't have any money, so they aren't important in the conversion and fundraising efforts. It more important to get people there and get big contributions from people back home, even if you are dropping them off in one of the most expensive states in the world with just a pair of trousers, a t-shirt and a pair of shoes.
 
2012-10-01 11:14:37 AM  
Saw King of Kings...

images2.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2012-10-01 11:15:13 AM  
1. hire helicopter with winch.

2. dress up like Jesus and descend via the winch from the helicopter that's hidden by cloud.

3. Prophet.
 
2012-10-01 11:16:08 AM  

Rindred: You'd have a better chance of spotting the king of kings by getting a good seat tonight at the WWE RAW television broadcast.

/Time to play the GAAAAAAME


Dammit!
 
2012-10-01 11:18:05 AM  
Good planning. A lot of people don't know that when Jeebus comes back, the first 100 people he greets gets into heaven free.
 
2012-10-01 11:22:06 AM  

CCCarnie: If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?


Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.
 
2012-10-01 11:23:44 AM  

Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.


That's why they have a 24 hour live RaptureCam set up there.
 
2012-10-01 11:23:44 AM  

Lawnchair: CCCarnie: If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?

Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.


World's biggest "we told you so?"
 
2012-10-01 11:25:33 AM  
I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.
 
2012-10-01 11:27:53 AM  
We should start building insane asylums again. There are just too many mental cases running around.
 
2012-10-01 11:29:33 AM  

atomicmask: I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.


I'm not so sure about that. When God takes a do-over he doesn't fark around. Ever heard of a guy named Noah?
 
2012-10-01 11:30:27 AM  
Jesus speaking (Matthew 24:32-34 NIV):

"Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. 33 Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it[a] is near, right at the door. 34 Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened."

I guess gods "this generation" is 2000+ yrs. But his return will certainly be any day now* amirite christians?

* Where any day is not specifically called out, but sometime within our lifetime...

/ This is what xtians believe/have believed for 1000s of years
// Where is your god now?
 
2012-10-01 11:31:04 AM  

atomicmask: I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.



kinda like this:

Many will say to me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and expel demons in your name, and perform many powerful works in your name?' 23 And yet then I will confess to them: I never knew YOU! Get away from me, YOU workers of lawlessness."
- Matt. 6:22,23
 
2012-10-01 11:32:22 AM  
A fool and his money...it never ceases to amaze me how much people are willing to sacrifice of themselves and take from others in the name of something they can't even prove exists. Oh well, it's their money, they can throw it away if they wish. Just don't trample the rights of others in doing so.

On a loosely related note, I had the 'coming out' conversation with my born-again mom and her hardcore baptist husband this weekend. I've been deftly avoiding it for years, but they finally cornered me during a discussion about gay rights. Am I gay? No, but in their eyes something much worse : atheist(agn).
 
2012-10-01 11:33:26 AM  

atomicmask: it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.



The only right way is to nuke everything from orbit. Just to be sure.
 
2012-10-01 11:35:41 AM  
Meanwhile, back in Terhan....
 
2012-10-01 11:36:53 AM  
Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...

Oh, we're hear at the holy site where we believe God will make his entrance. We assume he'll be arriving by cloud and wearing a flowing, golden robe of his design. As of yet. No word on when he'll arrive, but it should be soon. Back to you.

Well, why we are waiting here is an artist rendition of what it might look like. Notice that we did not include a graven image of the Lord himself. He's represented by this smiley face here.

"It is I, Lord, thy God. I have returned. Things will change. Read you Bible. It is thy's word."

Wow. Can't wait for that to happen. Tammy. Anything?

Nope. Nada.

Well, we'll just wait patiently for the Lord's return. Wouldn't look to good if he showed up and there was no one to welcome him. Hang on. I'm getting a report. This just in. God has returned to the Earth! He has reportedly stepped down from a golden pillar of clouds in Salina, Kansas. Look like the Mormons nailed it. As we speak, millions of Mormons are being recalled to their treasures in Heaven. If, like myself, you petitioned the Mormon Church to remove you from their registry, well, you can expect to stay below and suffer with the other unbelievers.

We don't have a camera in Salina, but the report says that all the faithful have been gathered up and the Holy Lord has broken the seven seals and spilled plague, pestilence and you know, the rest. Satan has announce 100% control of the Earth and it's remaining population.

And in keeping with the sudden change in management, we return you to 24 hours of Three's Company. All the episodes are Terri episodes, by the way. No Chrissy.
 
2012-10-01 11:38:41 AM  
Our local christian television channel is mostly I Love Lucy reruns with creepy pastor commercials. I really hope they cut to a live feed of Jesus coming back, and then return to their regularly scheduled program.

"And there you have it folks, Jesus has come back [switch trans] you got some 'splainin' to do"
 
2012-10-01 11:43:40 AM  

ArkPanda: Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.

That's why they have a 24 hour live RaptureCam set up there.


Well now you see what you wanna be
Just have your party on TV
'Cause the man from Mars won't eat up bars when the TV's on
And now he's gone back up to space
Where he won't have a hassle with the human race
 
2012-10-01 11:52:19 AM  
What if he happens to appear in, I don't know, Puerto Rico, Cuba, or in Palestine?.
 
2012-10-01 11:54:44 AM  

Harry Freakstorm: Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...


Next day headline: "Unknown Man Beaten by Crowds for 'Blasphemy'"

Brown-skinned people can't just go around proclaiming themselves this and that. Not when White Jesus is running the show!

// doubly likely if he comes back in kansas
 
2012-10-01 11:59:52 AM  

Lawnchair: Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.


I think they would say the money isn't truly important. They'd turn a camera on before they were raptured so everyone can see what is happening. If it happens, it would be a pretty important event for the world to witness (as in the most important event ever). I don't think it really matters if the viewers are believers or heathens, it's something everyone should see.
 
2012-10-01 12:00:46 PM  

Lawnchair: CCCarnie: If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?

Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.


My take on it is that they're trying to keep the pot from boiling by watching it. "Thief in the night" and all that; the one thing the Bible says about the date of the end is that no one will expect it when it comes. So if you automate predictions every day, people will expect it and it'll never come: it's like troll physics, but applied to theology.

Of course, it's worth mentioning that at least according to these people's faith, trolling God doesn't tend to work out well for the trolls. Leads you to wonder why they'd bother.
 
2012-10-01 12:01:05 PM  

frankenSTEEN: A fool and his money...it never ceases to amaze me how much people are willing to sacrifice of themselves and take from others in the name of something they can't even prove exists. Oh well, it's their money, they can throw it away if they wish. Just don't trample the rights of others in doing so.

On a loosely related note, I had the 'coming out' conversation with my born-again mom and her hardcore baptist husband this weekend. I've been deftly avoiding it for years, but they finally cornered me during a discussion about gay rights. Am I gay? No, but in their eyes something much worse : atheist(agn).


Come on! You don't just throw that out there. What happened?
 
2012-10-01 12:02:38 PM  
That is some strange god ya'll picked.
Needs a human to gather your money and buy back his ground.

I suppose that next he will need you to build palatial living quarters in a nice compound for when he gets around to visiting.

Good luck, fools.
 
2012-10-01 12:03:27 PM  
When Jesus does return, likely He'll look around, say "what the Hell have you people been doing down here?" and go back alone.
 
2012-10-01 12:06:04 PM  
AAAGGGHHH!
The stupid in this thread burns so much.
Televise the Recoming of The Sky Fairy.
Oh, lordy.
 
2012-10-01 12:16:27 PM  
CygnusDarius What if he happens to appear in, I don't know, Puerto Rico, Cuba, or in Palestine?.

Their tourism trade would significantly increase and nut job televangelists would be financing the schools and hospitals of those lands instead of doing it for Israel.
 
2012-10-01 12:25:43 PM  
The sons of god are really going to be pissed.
 
2012-10-01 12:31:30 PM  
The two witnesses would be seen by everyone in the world at the time suppossedly as they are struck down. This stumped old people but as technology gets better it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that people would have more access to a TV or the internet as time goes by. More so remote and poverty stricken areas of the world. No counting the fact that this would be happening during the rapture with supernatural goings on so it would have everyone's complete attention for sure.
 
2012-10-01 12:33:33 PM  
I wonder what everyone will do when a UFO lands there instead.
 
2012-10-01 12:35:05 PM  

varmitydog: CygnusDarius What if he happens to appear in, I don't know, Puerto Rico, Cuba, or in Palestine?.

Their tourism trade would significantly increase and nut job televangelists would be financing the schools and hospitals of those lands instead of doing it for Israel.


I'd like to see a Cuban Christ, truth be told. Most Cubans I've met are really nice people, good to hang around with, and have a sense of humor
 
2012-10-01 12:35:08 PM  
Meanwhile, in the relatively normal mainline world, we'll be busy with a bake sale and soup kitchen while the evangelicals park their campers in Jerusalem for the real Greatest Show on Earth.
 
2012-10-01 12:36:39 PM  
What is it with Christians and superstition? They have a god that basically says that only he can do magic, everything else is a farking trick, but they all love horoscopes and numerology.
 
2012-10-01 12:37:25 PM  

dittybopper: Two competing Christian broadcasting companies have purchased plots overlooking the Mount of Olives in Israel, just in case the King of Kings decides to descend soon. Now THAT is reality TV

The joke is on them: It's the King of Queens that will be coming back.


I thought it was Top Gear - didn't they all just sign new contracts?
 
2012-10-01 12:37:57 PM  

goatan: 1. hire helicopter with winch.

2. dress up like Jesus and descend via the winch from the helicopter that's hidden by cloud.

3. Prophet.


A Wily Coyote scheme might work. These people are easily fooled.
 
2012-10-01 12:39:07 PM  

Millennium: Lawnchair: CCCarnie: If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?

Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.

My take on it is that they're trying to keep the pot from boiling by watching it. "Thief in the night" and all that; the one thing the Bible says about the date of the end is that no one will expect it when it comes. So if you automate predictions every day, people will expect it and it'll never come: it's like troll physics, but applied to theology.

Of course, it's worth mentioning that at least according to these people's faith, trolling God doesn't tend to work out well for the trolls. Leads you to wonder why they'd bother.


The easy solution to this logic would be for God to kill everyone before calling it a wrap so 'nobody saw it coming.'
 
2012-10-01 12:39:45 PM  
"The main thing we want to do is help sponsor what we call Messianic Jews, or Jews that have received Jesus Christ as their Messiah," said TBN co-founder Paul Crouch, who recently wrapped up a tour of Israel with 1,800 TBN supporters, most of them from America. "We want to do some Hebrew language programs to reach out to Jews and entice them to read the word of God and become what we call a completed Jew."

Your recruiting message probably shouldn't contain a gratuitous implicit insult for the people you're trying to win over.
 
2012-10-01 12:41:47 PM  

Inflatable Rhetoric: goatan: 1. hire helicopter with winch.

2. dress up like Jesus and descend via the winch from the helicopter that's hidden by cloud.

3. Prophet.

A Wily Coyote scheme might work. These people are easily fooled.


I would just use a transparent parachute. Less noise.
 
2012-10-01 12:45:03 PM  
Priceless: fools preparing to sit inside watching TV while their world ends.
/farkin' perfect
 
2012-10-01 12:46:18 PM  

indylaw: "The main thing we want to do is help sponsor what we call Messianic Jews, or Jews that have received Jesus Christ as their Messiah," said TBN co-founder Paul Crouch, who recently wrapped up a tour of Israel with 1,800 TBN supporters, most of them from America. "We want to do some Hebrew language programs to reach out to Jews and entice them to read the word of God and become what we call a completed Jew."

Your recruiting message probably shouldn't contain a gratuitous implicit insult for the people you're trying to win over.


"Completed Jew" = "Christian"? Take a Jew with all their rules, take away the rules, add two parts to the deity, and that's "completion"?

Furthermore, why not just call YOURSELVES Jews, and call Jews "imperfect Christians"? Wouldn't that make more sense?

FURTHERmore, didn't you backward-ass farksticks learn your lesson about the whole "perfected/completed Jews" thing when Ann Coulter spewed it on national TV and got excoriated (and not just by noted pantywaist Donnie Deutsch)?

Complete this, you supernaturalist dickwaver.
 
2012-10-01 12:47:02 PM  

indylaw: Meanwhile, in the relatively normal mainline world, we'll be busy with a bake sale and soup kitchen while the evangelicals park their campers in Jerusalem for the real Greatest Show on Earth.


Just imagine this.

Let's pretend that, while these guys are broadcasting live, and they're commenting how "glorious it will be" when the Lord arrives, the trumpets sound. Odd, they don't sound like actual clarinets, but horns, but ok, it's the ancient world. The sky splits open and the sun shines upon the land, removing any clouds in that day. The congregation that might have assembled there kneels and prays and sings "Hallelujah!" as the imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ is heralded by the appearance of a million heavenly shapes appear in the now-split open sky, and the sound of... Warcries? That can't be right.

Then, the crowd in the sky charges towards the ground. They have no wings, they don't look like angels. They look like dirty medieval warriors, clad in chain mail and leather armor, biting their shields and swinging their axes wildly, and they are lead by a man carrying an oversized hammer, riding a chariot pulled by two goats.

The congregation is confused. Some are still kneeling, praying that this is not happening, others run the fark outta there, a very few just look dumbfounded, but know what this means. Then, the ground shakes and splits open, scores of giants appearing in the ground, ready to meet the Aesir and the Einherjar in one last battle.
 
2012-10-01 12:49:40 PM  

Dr Dreidel: Furthermore, why not just call YOURSELVES Jews, and call Jews "imperfect Christians"? Wouldn't that make more sense?


Because then they'd have to start banning themselves from rallys and country clubs.
 
2012-10-01 12:51:03 PM  

goatan: 1. hire helicopter with winch.

2. dress up like Jesus and descend via the winch from the helicopter that's hidden by cloud.

3. Prophet.


If Jesus were to come back, some of these guys would almost certainly try to nail him to a cross and say "If you're God, then come down from there!"

One thing the fundamentalist evangelicals never mention, but I think is an important point, is that according to the Gospels the Jews missed out on the arrival of the Messiah because they expected him to be this mighty conqueror who conquers all the enemies of the Jews and sets them up as a mighty empire, and he turned out to be something completely different. They had all these signs and miracles to watch for so that they would know when The One arrived.

The evangelicals love Revelation and make a sport out of trying to use it as a "Guide to Recognizing the Second Coming." What makes them think that when/if Christ comes back, it will be the fiery apocalypse that they're expecting?
 
2012-10-01 12:51:32 PM  

Oscar_Madisons_cleaning_lady: The Revelation will be televised.


Well played, sir. Well played.
 
/ would be a great title for a Rage Against The Machine album
 
2012-10-01 12:54:32 PM  

CygnusDarius: Let's pretend that, while these guys are broadcasting live, and they're commenting how "glorious it will be" when the Lord arrives, the trumpets sound. Odd, they don't sound like actual clarinets, but horns, but ok, it's the ancient world. The sky splits open and the sun shines upon the land, removing any clouds in that day. The congregation that might have assembled there kneels and prays and sings "Hallelujah!" as the imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ is heralded by the appearance of a million heavenly shapes appear in the now-split open sky, and the sound of... Warcries? That can't be right.

Then, the crowd in the sky charges towards the ground. They have no wings, they don't look like angels. They look like dirty medieval warriors, clad in chain mail and leather armor, biting their shields and swinging their axes wildly, and they are lead by a man carrying an oversized hammer, riding a chariot pulled by two goats.

The congregation is confused. Some are still kneeling, praying that this is not happening, others run the fark outta there, a very few just look dumbfounded, but know what this means. Then, the ground shakes and splits open, scores of giants appearing in the ground, ready to meet the Aesir and the Einherjar in one last battle.


I would expect Ragnarok to commence at an IKEA, not the middle of Jerusalem. Far too warm.
 
2012-10-01 12:56:30 PM  

indylaw: CygnusDarius: Let's pretend that, while these guys are broadcasting live, and they're commenting how "glorious it will be" when the Lord arrives, the trumpets sound. Odd, they don't sound like actual clarinets, but horns, but ok, it's the ancient world. The sky splits open and the sun shines upon the land, removing any clouds in that day. The congregation that might have assembled there kneels and prays and sings "Hallelujah!" as the imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ is heralded by the appearance of a million heavenly shapes appear in the now-split open sky, and the sound of... Warcries? That can't be right.

Then, the crowd in the sky charges towards the ground. They have no wings, they don't look like angels. They look like dirty medieval warriors, clad in chain mail and leather armor, biting their shields and swinging their axes wildly, and they are lead by a man carrying an oversized hammer, riding a chariot pulled by two goats.

The congregation is confused. Some are still kneeling, praying that this is not happening, others run the fark outta there, a very few just look dumbfounded, but know what this means. Then, the ground shakes and splits open, scores of giants appearing in the ground, ready to meet the Aesir and the Einherjar in one last battle.

I would expect Ragnarok to commence at an IKEA, not the middle of Jerusalem. Far too warm.


Walmart, definately, Walmart.
 
2012-10-01 12:59:23 PM  

Dr Dreidel: indylaw: "The main thing we want to do is help sponsor what we call Messianic Jews, or Jews that have received Jesus Christ as their Messiah," said TBN co-founder Paul Crouch, who recently wrapped up a tour of Israel with 1,800 TBN supporters, most of them from America. "We want to do some Hebrew language programs to reach out to Jews and entice them to read the word of God and become what we call a completed Jew."

Your recruiting message probably shouldn't contain a gratuitous implicit insult for the people you're trying to win over.

"Completed Jew" = "Christian"? Take a Jew with all their rules, take away the rules, add two parts to the deity, and that's "completion"?

Furthermore, why not just call YOURSELVES Jews, and call Jews "imperfect Christians"? Wouldn't that make more sense?

FURTHERmore, didn't you backward-ass farksticks learn your lesson about the whole "perfected/completed Jews" thing when Ann Coulter spewed it on national TV and got excoriated (and not just by noted pantywaist Donnie Deutsch)?

Complete this, you supernaturalist dickwaver.


See what I mean? Doesn't exactly endear an audience.
 
2012-10-01 01:00:37 PM  

snocone: indylaw: CygnusDarius: Let's pretend that, while these guys are broadcasting live, and they're commenting how "glorious it will be" when the Lord arrives, the trumpets sound. Odd, they don't sound like actual clarinets, but horns, but ok, it's the ancient world. The sky splits open and the sun shines upon the land, removing any clouds in that day. The congregation that might have assembled there kneels and prays and sings "Hallelujah!" as the imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ is heralded by the appearance of a million heavenly shapes appear in the now-split open sky, and the sound of... Warcries? That can't be right.

Then, the crowd in the sky charges towards the ground. They have no wings, they don't look like angels. They look like dirty medieval warriors, clad in chain mail and leather armor, biting their shields and swinging their axes wildly, and they are lead by a man carrying an oversized hammer, riding a chariot pulled by two goats.

The congregation is confused. Some are still kneeling, praying that this is not happening, others run the fark outta there, a very few just look dumbfounded, but know what this means. Then, the ground shakes and splits open, scores of giants appearing in the ground, ready to meet the Aesir and the Einherjar in one last battle.

I would expect Ragnarok to commence at an IKEA, not the middle of Jerusalem. Far too warm.

Walmart, definately, Walmart.


Walmart during Black Friday?.
 
2012-10-01 01:06:19 PM  

Elzar: Jesus speaking (Matthew 24:32-34 NIV):

"Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. 33 Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it[a] is near, right at the door. 34 Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened."

I guess gods "this generation" is 2000+ yrs. But his return will certainly be any day now* amirite christians?

* Where any day is not specifically called out, but sometime within our lifetime...

/ This is what xtians believe/have believed for 1000s of years
// Where is your god now?


The original Disciples were all long dead (and most of the them executed in various ways) before word of Christianity had spread much past the Roman Empire, the Persian Empire, and a few points father east and south. Until everyone had heard the Word, the clock couldn't start. This is why, in part, missionaries go to remote locations to spread the words of Jesus and his Disciples.

The Bible also says in Matthew 24:44, "So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him." Jesus claimed not to know the day or the hour he would return, only God knew. So you appear to have a contradiction of sorts. However, all of this is usually interpreted the following way, "be ready, I'm coming back, and I'm taking those who are prepared home with me."

I frequently caution Christians that thump the latest book that claims that all the stars are lining up for Jesus' return that they are very likely wrong. Live your life not in expectation of being Raptured at any minute and the future means nothing, instead live your life with the knowledge that you will likely only see Jesus when you are much older and having been here on this Earth for many years. Be prepared for a marathon, not a sprint, understanding that buses are large and do much damage to the human body--and you are far more likely to have an unpleasant encounter with one (or lightning, or a plane that won't stay airborne, or a drunk driver) than you are to see Jesus descend from a cloud. Your life will be judged on how well you ran the race, however long it is.
 
2012-10-01 01:15:37 PM  
So when Jesus pops up out of Mount Olive... do we have 800 more years of Christianity if he sees his shadow?
 
2012-10-01 01:16:53 PM  
there's two "Christian" broadcasting networks? This is good news for the gold foil industry
 
2012-10-01 01:21:24 PM  

atomicmask: I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.


so he reboots the earth? yea, I rather enjoy my pathetic existence, I'm not really ready for it go in a poof of smote
 
2012-10-01 01:23:53 PM  

pjbreeze: We should start building insane asylums again. There are just too many mental cases running around.


More like walking, waddling or driving, most folks are too fat to really run around these days
 
2012-10-01 01:34:03 PM  

hdhale: The original Disciples were all long dead (and most of the them executed in various ways) before word of Christianity had spread much past the Roman Empire, the Persian Empire, and a few points father east and south. Until everyone had heard the Word, the clock couldn't start. This is why, in part, missionaries go to remote locations to spread the words of Jesus and his Disciples.

The Bible also says in Matthew 24:44, "So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him." Jesus claimed not to know the day or the hour he would return, only God knew. So you appear to have a contradiction of sorts. However, all of this is usually interpreted the following way, "be ready, I'm coming back, and I'm taking those who are prepared home with me."

I frequently caution Christians that thump the latest book that claims that all the stars are lining up for Jesus' return that they are very likely wrong. Live your life not in expectation of being Raptured at any minute and the future means nothing, instead live your life with the knowledge that you will likely only see Jesus when you are much older and having been here on this Earth for many years. Be prepared for a marathon, not a sprint, understanding that buses are large and do much damage to the human body--and you are far more likely to have an unpleasant encounter with one (or lightning, or a plane that won't stay airborne, or a drunk driver) than you are to see Jesus descend from a cloud. Your life will be judged on how well you ran the race, however long it is.


I seldom do "this," but this.
 
2012-10-01 01:43:07 PM  
im hoping for some good "we wasted the good surprise on you!" moments.
 
2012-10-01 01:55:50 PM  
His buddies point-blanked Jesus about when to expect his return, and under what circumstances. Jesus answered, "like a thief in the night."

As usual, Saul the Pharisee, a/k/a Paul, twists Jesus' words into precisely the opposite meaning -- "yeah, but if you listen to me you will totally know in advance and you'll be saved, safe and secure. Don't sweat it."

Naturally, modern Christians prefer Paul's teachings to Jesus, so on Paul's advice, these guys are installing motion-activated cameras...to catch Jesus breaking and entering.

Golden.
 
2012-10-01 02:22:27 PM  
I know reading is a taboo word on dark, but did any of the more atheist-than-thou in the group actually read the article? Atheist...therefore I'm guessing not. Aside from the 'journalist' writing the article none of those involved say anything about televising the second coming.
Funny caption subby. You fooled the great unwashed masses.
 
2012-10-01 02:41:51 PM  

CygnusDarius: Walmart during Black Friday?.


It will be a Good Mourning.

/Paint the devil on the wall.
 
2012-10-01 03:04:57 PM  

Proteios1: I know reading is a taboo word on dark, but did any of the more atheist-than-thou in the group actually read the article? Atheist...therefore I'm guessing not. Aside from the 'journalist' writing the article none of those involved say anything about televising the second coming.
Funny caption subby. You fooled the great unwashed masses.


It wasn't a long article, but it's about as interesting as one about the Tooth Fairy.
It rekindled my lack of interest in gods and spooks.

Religion = Superstition + $$$$$
 
2012-10-01 03:23:05 PM  
Wow - competing to see who can get the Second Coming on camera first? "Holier than thou" just doesn't cover that kind of stupidity...
 
2012-10-01 03:24:54 PM  

FormlessOne: Wow - competing to see who can get the Second Coming on camera first? "Holier than thou" just doesn't cover that kind of stupidity...


The guy at Amateur Allure always seems to get the Second Coming on camera - maybe they should ask him how he does it...
 
2012-10-01 03:28:58 PM  
The question should be if these people head to the holy land and nothing happens, should we let them back in?
 
2012-10-01 04:20:39 PM  
Nobody?

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-10-01 05:36:31 PM  
I want to ask a serious questions for Christians. If Jesus did come back, does that mean that he is automaticaly president of the world? Do we still have a US Congress? How about the UN? Do all the constitutional laws still apply? What if some nations do not want to fall under the Jesus Administration? Would he authorize war to wipe out those countries that won't agree to appoint him the political leader? Is money still good? Would I be allowed to remain Pagan, or will I need to burn at a stake?

Please don't throw some biblical verse on me, I have read the bible. Can some Christian tell me in their own words what they think this would really look like, vs. the biblical (Lions and lambs laying together) answer. Oh, and NO; not trying to shoot your belief down, I honestly want to know what the day after Jesus comming back is going to look like. What do you really think it would look like?
 
2012-10-01 05:56:21 PM  
One day when I amass more wealth than anyone has ever seen, I will purchase this entire region, kick everyone out, level it and build the world's largest roller coaster in it's place.
 
2012-10-01 07:18:10 PM  

Dr Dreidel: "Completed Jew" = "Christian"? Take a Jew with all their rules, take away the rules, add two parts to the deity, and that's "completion"?



So much this.

Christians follow absolutely nothing in the Bible, most don't even follow the teachings of Jesus. They're a joke and even more so when they try to claim themselves as "better" Jews.
 
2012-10-01 07:21:50 PM  

uselessgit: I want to ask a serious questions for Christians. If Jesus did come back, does that mean that he is automaticaly president of the world? Do we still have a US Congress? How about the UN? Do all the constitutional laws still apply? What if some nations do not want to fall under the Jesus Administration? Would he authorize war to wipe out those countries that won't agree to appoint him the political leader? Is money still good? Would I be allowed to remain Pagan, or will I need to burn at a stake?

Please don't throw some biblical verse on me, I have read the bible. Can some Christian tell me in their own words what they think this would really look like, vs. the biblical (Lions and lambs laying together) answer. Oh, and NO; not trying to shoot your belief down, I honestly want to know what the day after Jesus comming back is going to look like. What do you really think it would look like?



Considering he taught things like only the Kingdom in heaven matters and worldly possessions mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, I presume he wouldn't want to rule anything.
 
2012-10-01 07:59:29 PM  
Get ahold of the people who did Hologram Tupac.

Hologram Jesus should be easy.
 
2012-10-01 08:16:01 PM  

FunkOut: Get ahold of the people who did Hologram Tupac.

Hologram Jesus should be easy.



No need to change skin tone either
 
2012-10-01 08:22:00 PM  

intelligent comment below: uselessgit: I want to ask a serious questions for Christians. If Jesus did come back, does that mean that he is automaticaly president of the world? Do we still have a US Congress? How about the UN? Do all the constitutional laws still apply? What if some nations do not want to fall under the Jesus Administration? Would he authorize war to wipe out those countries that won't agree to appoint him the political leader? Is money still good? Would I be allowed to remain Pagan, or will I need to burn at a stake?

Please don't throw some biblical verse on me, I have read the bible. Can some Christian tell me in their own words what they think this would really look like, vs. the biblical (Lions and lambs laying together) answer. Oh, and NO; not trying to shoot your belief down, I honestly want to know what the day after Jesus comming back is going to look like. What do you really think it would look like?


Considering he taught things like only the Kingdom in heaven matters and worldly possessions mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, I presume he wouldn't want to rule anything.


How far below?
 
2012-10-01 09:32:17 PM  

CygnusDarius: varmitydog: CygnusDarius What if he happens to appear in, I don't know, Puerto Rico, Cuba, or in Palestine?.

Their tourism trade would significantly increase and nut job televangelists would be financing the schools and hospitals of those lands instead of doing it for Israel.

I'd like to see a Cuban Christ, truth be told. Most Cubans I've met are really nice people, good to hang around with, and have a sense of humor


Nice rides, too.
 
2012-10-01 10:02:14 PM  
As long as it doesn't interrupt the Super Bowl. Or Homeland. Or Modern Family. Or the Daily Show.
 
2012-10-01 10:34:40 PM  

uselessgit: I want to ask a serious questions for Christians. If Jesus did come back, does that mean that he is automaticaly president of the world? Do we still have a US Congress? How about the UN? Do all the constitutional laws still apply? What if some nations do not want to fall under the Jesus Administration? Would he authorize war to wipe out those countries that won't agree to appoint him the political leader? Is money still good? Would I be allowed to remain Pagan, or will I need to burn at a stake?

Please don't throw some biblical verse on me, I have read the bible. Can some Christian tell me in their own words what they think this would really look like, vs. the biblical (Lions and lambs laying together) answer. Oh, and NO; not trying to shoot your belief down, I honestly want to know what the day after Jesus comming back is going to look like. What do you really think it would look like?


To the best of my understanding, I am not a scholar by any stretch... When Christ returns he will personally reign on earth for 1000 years and during this time period (the Millennium) the wicked will be removed from the earth. All things that are corrupt will be burned, and the earth will be cleansed with fire then will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory. Those who are good people, regardless of faith or beliefs, will remain. There is a lot more, far more than I'm willing to go into on Fark for certain. If you want more just send me an email to the addy in my profile.
 
2012-10-01 10:51:51 PM  

Altitude5280: As long as it doesn't interrupt the Super Bowl. Or Homeland. Or Modern Family. Or the Daily Show.



Covert Affairs is pretty good and along the same lines as Homeland but with less crazy lady who can't handle pressure. Don't forget Real Time, Charlie Rose, Frontline, NOVA, Person of Interest
 
2012-10-02 12:11:51 AM  

intelligent comment below: Altitude5280: As long as it doesn't interrupt the Super Bowl. Or Homeland. Or Modern Family. Or the Daily Show.


Covert Affairs is pretty good and along the same lines as Homeland but with less crazy lady who can't handle pressure. Don't forget Real Time, Charlie Rose, Frontline, NOVA, Person of Interest


For sure on Real Time. Would love to see how Maher would cover the great Jesus return.
 
2012-10-02 12:54:57 AM  

phrenicmonkey: frankenSTEEN: A fool and his money...it never ceases to amaze me how much people are willing to sacrifice of themselves and take from others in the name of something they can't even prove exists. Oh well, it's their money, they can throw it away if they wish. Just don't trample the rights of others in doing so.

On a loosely related note, I had the 'coming out' conversation with my born-again mom and her hardcore baptist husband this weekend. I've been deftly avoiding it for years, but they finally cornered me during a discussion about gay rights. Am I gay? No, but in their eyes something much worse : atheist(agn).

Come on! You don't just throw that out there. What happened?


Well, mom was driving so I was trying my darndest not to let let the conversation head in that direction. But they kept insisting that it's OK to treat gays as second class citizens, 'cause you know, the bible. But it was seriously driving me nuts, because they were doing the typical thing, only picking out what *they* want to use and ignoring everything else.

I was kicking their ass on the gay rights thing. I stuck with, "No where does does the bible say, "..and Jesus/God said, 'Thou shalt hate the gays'." I brought it up that it is always a man saying these things, but never God/Jesus directly.

So then mom (I pretty sure because I was kicking their butts, debate-wise) brought up the old 'bible is divinely inspired' line. Then I brought up a couple of inconsistencies in the bible that both can't be true. Then she asked what I believe the bible is (oops, let myself get cornered with that one). I told her it was an interesting collection of stories and parables. So then she concentrates on fighting back tears and not crashing the car.

The husband chimes in about me finding god/Jesus or going to hell and blah blah, the usual Christian false dichotomy BS (i.e. it's my god or hell). So I told him Thor is disappointed and he will never make it into Valhalla. He said, "It's ok, I have the cross on my side." I told him Crom doesn't care about crosses. Yes, I really used Thor and Crom.

*2 seconds stunned silence* - while he tries to figure something out, he is nowhere near as intelligent or educated as I am (neither is mom, though not as bad as him) so these silences happen a lot when it's their 'turn'. For me, I have my rebuttals started before they finish their current statement ~75% of the time - they (and Christians in general) are just too predictable.

Everything they brought up in defense of the Bible I dismantled either through logic, logical conclussions (i.e. literally killing 10's of millions of gays) or facts. I told them there is no verifiable evidence outside the bible that corroborates anything in the bible. Then they were trying desperately to bring up Jocephus. They we like, "Jo-, Joseph nah, Jo-something???" Me, "You mean Jocephus?" Them, "Yeah, yeah, HIM!!!!one!11!" (as if that was the final nail in my coffin).

Me : "You do realize that Josephus was born ~4 decades AFTER Jesus' death right? That everything he would have wrote would have been 2nd hand AT BEST." Then I told them that lots of people wrote about the Iliad, so does that mean everything in the Iliad is real?"
Husband : "Yeah, but (rattles of the usual names) were all real."
Me : "Lot's of characters and events in 'Forrest Gump' are real, does that mean there is a 60-IQ having billionaire running around Louisiana?"
Husband : "So then how did we get here?" with the 'if god did not make us' unspoken, but still loud and clear
Me : "It's called the Miller-Urey experiment." Then I explained it to them.

*more stunned/awkward silence*

Husband : "Yeah, but god is eternal and made all that happen."
Me : "You haven't even proved that god exists, let alone that he is the 'right' one" That was a bit douchey, but I was losing my intelectual patience.
Me : "Well, who then made god?"
Husband : "God doesn't need a maker."
Me : "Then neither does the universe. If you don't have to 'prove' your argument, neither do I."

*more silince*

Mom : "You're too smart for your own good."
Me : fighting *real* hard not to rage-snap, so kept silent.
Mom : You need to read the bi...
Me : "I *have* read it from cover to cover. Old testament twice, new testament 3 times"
Mom : ...ble and ask the holy spirit blah blah
Me : calling on super-human levels of self-control did NOT ask her if she has completely read the bible (I already KNOW she hasn't). So I pretty much let that bit slide unchallenged. Remember, she's driving.

*more uncomfortable silence*

Then they each offered up some Christian writers who are supposed to be the bomb-biggity when it comes to explaining the bible and those writers would make me see blah blah blah

Me : "I've heard many arguments against my points. Every single one of them was based either on logical fallacies, gross misunderstanding/misinterpretation of facts, or just straight up lies/flasehoods."

*end of conversations on this topic*

So yeah, they make an unfounded/unsupported claim, I fully refute it with logic/facts, they change to a new subject without addressing anything I have said. Pretty much the usual M.O. for Christians. I'm somewhat looking forward to whatever they send me so I can eviscerate the BS in it and send it back. They don't realize that I've been atheist (even if I didn't know it yet) since I was a kid. The bible caused waaaay too much cognitive disonance in me for me to accept it as real. I did try very seriously for a few years to read/study it, pray every day etc. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't turn off my brain for long enough for the nonsense to take root. They don't realize how much I have been holding back over the years every time I heard them judge/denigrate someone based on the bible.

I will hold back no more. If they want to bring it up, I will slap it down like Jordan blocking Ewing.
 
2012-10-02 01:25:22 AM  

Altitude5280: intelligent comment below: Altitude5280: As long as it doesn't interrupt the Super Bowl. Or Homeland. Or Modern Family. Or the Daily Show.


Covert Affairs is pretty good and along the same lines as Homeland but with less crazy lady who can't handle pressure. Don't forget Real Time, Charlie Rose, Frontline, NOVA, Person of Interest

For sure on Real Time. Would love to see how Maher would cover the great Jesus return.



I just don't see it being a big event, unless a space ship does come down from the clouds. How do you verify some guy is really Jesus? Then would governments and the rich and powerful allow the story to get out? If anything someone that dangerous to the world order would be oppressed and most likely discredited and killed.
 
2012-10-02 01:45:50 AM  
"The main thing we want to do is help sponsor what we call Messianic Jews, or Jews that have received Jesus Christ as their Messiah," & "...reach out to Jews and entice them to read the word of God and become what we call a completed Jew."

Because even though they're Christian, they're still Jews. Separate.
 
2012-10-02 04:09:27 AM  

Harry Freakstorm: Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...

Oh, we're hear at the holy site where we believe God will make his entrance. We assume he'll be arriving by cloud and wearing a flowing, golden robe of his design. As of yet. No word on when he'll arrive, but it should be soon. Back to you.

Well, why we are waiting here is an artist rendition of what it might look like. Notice that we did not include a graven image of the Lord himself. He's represented by this smiley face here.

"It is I, Lord, thy God. I have returned. Things will change. Read you Bible. It is thy's word."

Wow. Can't wait for that to happen. Tammy. Anything?

Nope. Nada.

Well, we'll just wait patiently for the Lord's return. Wouldn't look to good if he showed up and there was no one to welcome him. Hang on. I'm getting a report. This just in. God has returned to the Earth! He has reportedly stepped down from a golden pillar of clouds in Salina, Kansas. Look like the Mormons nailed it. As we speak, millions of Mormons are being recalled to their treasures in Heaven. If, like myself, you petitioned the Mormon Church to remove you from their registry, well, you can expect to stay below and suffer with the other unbelievers.

We don't have a camera in Salina, but the report says that all the faithful have been gathered up and the Holy Lord has broken the seven seals and spilled plague, pestilence and you know, the rest. Satan has announce 100% control of the Earth and it's remaining population.

And in keeping with the sudden change in management, we return you to 24 hours of Three's Company. All the episodes are Terri episodes, by the way. No Chrissy.


Won't they be surprised when She appears in all Her Glory ;)
(I wonder if they will forgive her darker skin too)
 
2012-10-02 10:51:35 AM  

frankenSTEEN: "I *have* read it from cover to cover. Old testament twice, new testament 3 times"


A question on gay rights then:

From what I understand, the only place the Bible condemns homosexuality is in Leviticus, right?

If so, then as far as gay rights are concerned one doesn't have to try to repudiate the Bible. One could just point out that if someone doesn't follow Levitical law (like Orthodox Jews do) then they have no business condemning gays on religious grounds.

I've used that argument before - is there something I'm missing? (I heard that Paul's letters were down on the gays, but if I understand correctly those aren't *scripture* per se).

/god hates shrimp
 
2012-10-02 11:09:10 AM  

Gaseous Anomaly: frankenSTEEN: "I *have* read it from cover to cover. Old testament twice, new testament 3 times"

A question on gay rights then:

From what I understand, the only place the Bible condemns homosexuality is in Leviticus, right?

If so, then as far as gay rights are concerned one doesn't have to try to repudiate the Bible. One could just point out that if someone doesn't follow Levitical law (like Orthodox Jews do) then they have no business condemning gays on religious grounds.

I've used that argument before - is there something I'm missing? (I heard that Paul's letters were down on the gays, but if I understand correctly those aren't *scripture* per se).

/god hates shrimp


a simple google search shows it is mentioned in some form or other in: Matthew, Romans, Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Colossians, Timothy, Titus, and Jude.
 
2012-10-02 02:06:35 PM  

Langdon_777: Harry Freakstorm: Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...

Oh, we're hear at the holy site where we believe God will make his entrance. We assume he'll be arriving by cloud and wearing a flowing, golden robe of his design. As of yet. No word on when he'll arrive, but it should be soon. Back to you.

Well, why we are waiting here is an artist rendition of what it might look like. Notice that we did not include a graven image of the Lord himself. He's represented by this smiley face here.

"It is I, Lord, thy God. I have returned. Things will change. Read you Bible. It is thy's word."

Wow. Can't wait for that to happen. Tammy. Anything?

Nope. Nada.

Well, we'll just wait patiently for the Lord's return. Wouldn't look to good if he showed up and there was no one to welcome him. Hang on. I'm getting a report. This just in. God has returned to the Earth! He has reportedly stepped down from a golden pillar of clouds in Salina, Kansas. Look like the Mormons nailed it. As we speak, millions of Mormons are being recalled to their treasures in Heaven. If, like myself, you petitioned the Mormon Church to remove you from their registry, well, you can expect to stay below and suffer with the other unbelievers.

We don't have a camera in Salina, but the report says that all the faithful have been gathered up and the Holy Lord has broken the seven seals and spilled plague, pestilence and you know, the rest. Satan has announce 100% control of the Earth and it's remaining population.

And in keeping with the sudden change in management, we return you to 24 hours of Three's Company. All the episodes are Terri episodes, by the way. No Chrissy.

Won't they be surprised when She appears in all Her Glory ;)
(I wonder if they will forgive her darker skin too)


Wanna know how I know that that Bible novel was written by chauvinistic men that disrespect women?
 
2012-10-02 02:23:16 PM  
Too bad Eshoo Nazaretha aka Jesus Christ is now a buddhist hotdog aka one with everything, and cannot reincarnate, because he is part of the foundation of light. He no longer exists as a discrete being. Thus he can't return. However, he does have a successor, who is in this world now. However, you will never see him, never hear from him, and when his work is done, you won't even know that he did anything. You will never meet him, nor will I. So sit back and enjoy the ride, because if you blink, you'll miss it.

American Christians, are you arrogant enough that you really think you understand and comprehend the mind of your own savior and your own god? Oh, wait, of course most of you are. Not all of you, just most of you.
 
2012-10-02 03:40:20 PM  

Gaseous Anomaly: frankenSTEEN: "I *have* read it from cover to cover. Old testament twice, new testament 3 times"

A question on gay rights then:

From what I understand, the only place the Bible condemns homosexuality is in Leviticus, right?

If so, then as far as gay rights are concerned one doesn't have to try to repudiate the Bible. One could just point out that if someone doesn't follow Levitical law (like Orthodox Jews do) then they have no business condemning gays on religious grounds.

I've used that argument before - is there something I'm missing? (I heard that Paul's letters were down on the gays, but if I understand correctly those aren't *scripture* per se).

/god hates shrimp


I have only ever met 3-5 Christians who do not count Paul's letters and etc to *not* be scripture. (was that like a quadruple negative??) Those few I would not be at all suprised to learn that they are agnostics or atheists by now. Anecdotal evidence, I know.

Yes, homosexuality is mentioned several times in the NT, as is the call for their deaths. In at least one place as I understand it (but my interpretation could be wrong) it also calls for the deaths of those that support them. In other words, if you support gay rights you also desrve to die. That is from Romans 1:18-32'ish. This is one of my favorite passages to use, because it forces X-ians to confront the reality of their hate/bigotry. In other words, if they base their bigotry on the bible (OT or NT) they *must* also accept the punishments as defined by the bible. It's always a good time when I get to explain to those non-bible reading (as in not the entire bible) bigots that their 'kind and loving' scripture calls for the deaths of literally 10's of millions of Americans, not to mention the (probably) 100's of millions of gays world-wide. And that number still doesn't include the 100's of millions (I hope) of people who support gay rights. As in, "I hope there are 100's of millions of gay rights supporters."

I also like watching them squirm when I bring up the due process/equal protection clauses from the Constitution/BoR. They squirm like worms on a hot sidealk when I ask them why they are trying to pass laws that will treat millions of Americans as second class citizens. It's funny watching the pinball of cognative disonance ricochet around their minds. That is typically followed by various combinations of deer in the headlights, stammering, WTF?, who-tha-how-tha-what-the, etc. You know, the usual expressions of people who have just now realized the enormity of their own bigotry/stupidity. Then the party ends for me because then they start to rattle of out of contexrt scriptures that (even *if* in context) have absolutely nothing to do with what we are talking about. They have raised their inpenetrable 'scripture shields' that block anything that looks, acts, or smells like logic. reason, or facts.

For a short form of this particular game, wait til somene brings up the whole "America was founded as a Christian nation" nonsense. Then remind/school them of Art.11 from the Treaty of Tripoli (look it up). The looks of utter confusion, disbelief, and 'how can this be??!?!?!?' are pert-near priceless! It's even better when you get the deniers. Even if you show them the treaty and/or read it to them, they STILL can't get it through their thick skulls. You can just about literally see them mentally sticking their fingers in their ears and going 'LALALAICAN'THEARYOULALALA' Good times, good times.

And if they fall back to the old "hate the sin, love the sinner" BS, ask them how they can reconcile the following statement : I hate people with black skin, but love people of African descent. To paraphrase Pinhead, "Their consternation will be legendary."
 
2012-10-02 03:48:19 PM  
A bit of a correction...

I should have said, "...reconcile the following statement : I hate black skin, but love people of African descent."

That is what I use, not the "...people with black skin..." The correct(ed) version is more appropriate/accurate.
 
2012-10-02 06:35:38 PM  

frankenSTEEN: Gaseous Anomaly: frankenSTEEN: "I *have* read it from cover to cover. Old testament twice, new testament 3 times"

A question on gay rights then:

From what I understand, the only place the Bible condemns homosexuality is in Leviticus, right?

If so, then as far as gay rights are concerned one doesn't have to try to repudiate the Bible. One could just point out that if someone doesn't follow Levitical law (like Orthodox Jews do) then they have no business condemning gays on religious grounds.

I've used that argument before - is there something I'm missing? (I heard that Paul's letters were down on the gays, but if I understand correctly those aren't *scripture* per se).

/god hates shrimp

I have only ever met 3-5 Christians who do not count Paul's letters and etc to *not* be scripture. (was that like a quadruple negative??) Those few I would not be at all suprised to learn that they are agnostics or atheists by now. Anecdotal evidence, I know.

Yes, homosexuality is mentioned several times in the NT, as is the call for their deaths. In at least one place as I understand it (but my interpretation could be wrong) it also calls for the deaths of those that support them. In other words, if you support gay rights you also desrve to die. That is from Romans 1:18-32'ish. This is one of my favorite passages to use, because it forces X-ians to confront the reality of their hate/bigotry. In other words, if they base their bigotry on the bible (OT or NT) they *must* also accept the punishments as defined by the bible. It's always a good time when I get to explain to those non-bible reading (as in not the entire bible) bigots that their 'kind and loving' scripture calls for the deaths of literally 10's of millions of Americans, not to mention the (probably) 100's of millions of gays world-wide. And that number still doesn't include the 100's of millions (I hope) of people who support gay rights. As in, "I hope there are 100's of millions of gay rights supporters."

I also li ...


I have had such shadenfreude moments when the Mormons have come to my door. Usually I do not go out of my way to destroy someones cherished delusions - but when they knock on my door on a Sunday morning and have the misfortune to ask "What is the book you are reading?", I take it as a door being opened to enlighten the needy and I respond "Its a book on theoretical and practical shamanism" - if the keep asking quesitons after that, then they are fair game. I then proceed to listen to them patiently, before I mention the poor kids in the world who died today of hunger and had never heard of the saviour they mention "Do they go to hell?". I then generally bring up a G*d of LOVE and forgiveness, then throw in something like "You do realise that Satan was G*d's most able deputy and I suspect the whole thing is a good cop/bad cop routine?" If a Moron then persists (by this point the youngest member is looking thoughtful in the background and I have to deal with someone twice my age) I then ask have you ever seen the golden discs?

I suspect the reason why it has been a few years since I have had such an intrusion on my Sunday morning is because many young peeps started thinking for themselves and left the 'church'(s - I also trash the Jehovahs).
 
2012-10-02 08:21:49 PM  
Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.

That's why they have a 24 hour live RaptureCam set up there.

Tuned in, saw only street lights. About as exciting as watching corn grow.
 
Displayed 112 of 112 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter






In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report