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(LA Times)   Two competing Christian broadcasting companies have purchased plots overlooking the Mount of Olives in Israel, just in case the King of Kings decides to descend soon. Now THAT is reality TV   (latimes.com) divider line 112
    More: Amusing, Mount of Olives, Orthodox Jewish, Jews in Israel, christian evangelism  
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3945 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Oct 2012 at 10:45 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-10-01 10:46:59 AM
But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.
 
2012-10-01 10:50:22 AM
Jesus farking Christ - these people are dumb. Yes, they are just as retarded as the mormons for believing magical underpants are a requirement and that their candidates can 'lie for the lord'
 
2012-10-01 10:50:39 AM
home.comcast.net
Delusions are a type of reality.
 
2012-10-01 10:51:37 AM
When he does descend everyone is going to scream and holler about the liberal saviorstream media!
 
2012-10-01 10:51:48 AM
I find it more hilarious that Christian Broadcasting companies are staffing the Mount of Olives based off of a calendar from a completely unrelated religion on the other side of the world.

I am guessing they totally don't get the irony.

/and the calendar doesn't end
//its just a new cycle
///just like what happens with our calendar every year except with a much longer time scale
 
2012-10-01 10:53:46 AM
A more accurate headline would have been "Two chumps fleeced of their money."
 
2012-10-01 10:54:16 AM

Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.


Maybe they're ensuring good advertising revenue for any of their employees who don't qualify for instant retirement.
That's very Christian of them.
 
2012-10-01 10:55:27 AM
They want the world to end in a nuclear holocaust soon.
Let me repeat, they actually want that, and want it to happen soon.
 
2012-10-01 10:56:11 AM
They're a really dedicated crew of LARPers.
 
2012-10-01 10:56:24 AM
The Revelation will be televised.
 
2012-10-01 10:57:23 AM

Nezorf: When he does descend everyone is going to scream and holler about the liberal saviorstream media!


Not if he descends to about the right height.
 
2012-10-01 10:58:33 AM
I think it is really cool that Jesus tells us not to worry about material things because the real treasure is in heaven...

But you better farking kill, maim and destroy because I really did this overlook. After all the holy trinity really is location, location, location.
 
2012-10-01 11:03:25 AM
Why do these people think that the bible is God's personal day planner?
 
2012-10-01 11:03:58 AM
Meh. Make fun if you want... But this makes sense from their perspective. If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?
 
2012-10-01 11:04:08 AM

Oscar_Madisons_cleaning_lady: The Revelation will be televised.


Alright, we're done here.
 
2012-10-01 11:04:21 AM
Two competing Christian broadcasting companies have purchased plots overlooking the Mount of Olives in Israel, just in case the King of Kings decides to descend soon. Now THAT is reality TV

The joke is on them: It's the King of Queens that will be coming back.
 
2012-10-01 11:04:23 AM
Christians: Be careful. If you convert ALL the Jews, then Jesus won't come back.
 
2012-10-01 11:06:31 AM

Oscar_Madisons_cleaning_lady: The Revelation will be televised.


Nice one!
 
2012-10-01 11:08:25 AM
Also, does the Bible give a place for Satan returning? No? Fark it, I'm donning my robes (and wizard hat) and going to the Mount of Olives. I'll then go through the previously sealed temple door, produce a rabbit from under my hat, and the world will end. So there. Yeah, it's a Monday...
 
2012-10-01 11:09:46 AM

Satanic_Hamster: Christians: Be careful. If you convert ALL the Jews, then Jesus won't come back.


Hmmm... tricky.
 
2012-10-01 11:10:31 AM
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye shot him.
 
2012-10-01 11:11:45 AM
Well Mormonism will be the state religion after Romney's landslide victory, which means Jesus will return in Missouri. Jackson County to be particular.
 
2012-10-01 11:11:49 AM
You'd have a better chance of spotting the king of kings by getting a good seat tonight at the WWE RAW television broadcast.

/Time to play the GAAAAAAME
 
2012-10-01 11:12:35 AM
Allen. The end.

Also, does the Bible give a place for Satan returning? No? Fark it, I'm donning my robes (and wizard hat) and going to the Mount of Olives. I'll then go through the previously sealed temple door, produce a rabbit from under my hat, and the world will end. So there. Yeah, it's a Monday...


The Christians get beamed up and then Satan gets to run the show for 7 years, I think. It's going to be a 'parking on the left is now parking on the right' kind of thing.
 
2012-10-01 11:14:05 AM

Ass Exploder: Satanic_Hamster: Christians: Be careful. If you convert ALL the Jews, then Jesus won't come back.

Hmmm... tricky.


Don't worry. Most of them don't have any money, so they aren't important in the conversion and fundraising efforts. It more important to get people there and get big contributions from people back home, even if you are dropping them off in one of the most expensive states in the world with just a pair of trousers, a t-shirt and a pair of shoes.
 
2012-10-01 11:14:37 AM
Saw King of Kings...

images2.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2012-10-01 11:15:13 AM
1. hire helicopter with winch.

2. dress up like Jesus and descend via the winch from the helicopter that's hidden by cloud.

3. Prophet.
 
2012-10-01 11:16:08 AM

Rindred: You'd have a better chance of spotting the king of kings by getting a good seat tonight at the WWE RAW television broadcast.

/Time to play the GAAAAAAME


Dammit!
 
2012-10-01 11:18:05 AM
Good planning. A lot of people don't know that when Jeebus comes back, the first 100 people he greets gets into heaven free.
 
2012-10-01 11:22:06 AM

CCCarnie: If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?


Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.
 
2012-10-01 11:23:44 AM

Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.


That's why they have a 24 hour live RaptureCam set up there.
 
2012-10-01 11:23:44 AM

Lawnchair: CCCarnie: If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?

Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.


World's biggest "we told you so?"
 
2012-10-01 11:25:33 AM
I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.
 
2012-10-01 11:27:53 AM
We should start building insane asylums again. There are just too many mental cases running around.
 
2012-10-01 11:29:33 AM

atomicmask: I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.


I'm not so sure about that. When God takes a do-over he doesn't fark around. Ever heard of a guy named Noah?
 
2012-10-01 11:30:27 AM
Jesus speaking (Matthew 24:32-34 NIV):

"Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. 33 Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it[a] is near, right at the door. 34 Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened."

I guess gods "this generation" is 2000+ yrs. But his return will certainly be any day now* amirite christians?

* Where any day is not specifically called out, but sometime within our lifetime...

/ This is what xtians believe/have believed for 1000s of years
// Where is your god now?
 
2012-10-01 11:31:04 AM

atomicmask: I figured it out actually...

They want to be there, so the first thing jesus sees when he arrives is the most hypocritical group of individuals and what has been done in his name, so he instantly decides to call the whole rapture off and start this whole "messiah" thing all over, thus saving the world from the end of days.

it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.



kinda like this:

Many will say to me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and expel demons in your name, and perform many powerful works in your name?' 23 And yet then I will confess to them: I never knew YOU! Get away from me, YOU workers of lawlessness."
- Matt. 6:22,23
 
2012-10-01 11:32:22 AM
A fool and his money...it never ceases to amaze me how much people are willing to sacrifice of themselves and take from others in the name of something they can't even prove exists. Oh well, it's their money, they can throw it away if they wish. Just don't trample the rights of others in doing so.

On a loosely related note, I had the 'coming out' conversation with my born-again mom and her hardcore baptist husband this weekend. I've been deftly avoiding it for years, but they finally cornered me during a discussion about gay rights. Am I gay? No, but in their eyes something much worse : atheist(agn).
 
2012-10-01 11:33:26 AM

atomicmask: it is really brilliant, if jesus sees how wrong these morons got his message I am willing to bet he will just start all over and do it right this time.



The only right way is to nuke everything from orbit. Just to be sure.
 
2012-10-01 11:35:41 AM
Meanwhile, back in Terhan....
 
2012-10-01 11:36:53 AM
Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...

Oh, we're hear at the holy site where we believe God will make his entrance. We assume he'll be arriving by cloud and wearing a flowing, golden robe of his design. As of yet. No word on when he'll arrive, but it should be soon. Back to you.

Well, why we are waiting here is an artist rendition of what it might look like. Notice that we did not include a graven image of the Lord himself. He's represented by this smiley face here.

"It is I, Lord, thy God. I have returned. Things will change. Read you Bible. It is thy's word."

Wow. Can't wait for that to happen. Tammy. Anything?

Nope. Nada.

Well, we'll just wait patiently for the Lord's return. Wouldn't look to good if he showed up and there was no one to welcome him. Hang on. I'm getting a report. This just in. God has returned to the Earth! He has reportedly stepped down from a golden pillar of clouds in Salina, Kansas. Look like the Mormons nailed it. As we speak, millions of Mormons are being recalled to their treasures in Heaven. If, like myself, you petitioned the Mormon Church to remove you from their registry, well, you can expect to stay below and suffer with the other unbelievers.

We don't have a camera in Salina, but the report says that all the faithful have been gathered up and the Holy Lord has broken the seven seals and spilled plague, pestilence and you know, the rest. Satan has announce 100% control of the Earth and it's remaining population.

And in keeping with the sudden change in management, we return you to 24 hours of Three's Company. All the episodes are Terri episodes, by the way. No Chrissy.
 
2012-10-01 11:38:41 AM
Our local christian television channel is mostly I Love Lucy reruns with creepy pastor commercials. I really hope they cut to a live feed of Jesus coming back, and then return to their regularly scheduled program.

"And there you have it folks, Jesus has come back [switch trans] you got some 'splainin' to do"
 
2012-10-01 11:43:40 AM

ArkPanda: Itstoearly: But if Christ came back, wouldn't all the employees be raptured? I want an atheist company in there just in case.

That's why they have a 24 hour live RaptureCam set up there.


Well now you see what you wanna be
Just have your party on TV
'Cause the man from Mars won't eat up bars when the TV's on
And now he's gone back up to space
Where he won't have a hassle with the human race
 
2012-10-01 11:52:19 AM
What if he happens to appear in, I don't know, Puerto Rico, Cuba, or in Palestine?.
 
2012-10-01 11:54:44 AM

Harry Freakstorm: Welcome to God's Holy Return - Live! We're broadcasting live from the holy city of Jerusalem and we're awaiting God's return at any moment. Let's go to the red carpet with Tammy Faye Bakker...


Next day headline: "Unknown Man Beaten by Crowds for 'Blasphemy'"

Brown-skinned people can't just go around proclaiming themselves this and that. Not when White Jesus is running the show!

// doubly likely if he comes back in kansas
 
2012-10-01 11:59:52 AM

Lawnchair: Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.


I think they would say the money isn't truly important. They'd turn a camera on before they were raptured so everyone can see what is happening. If it happens, it would be a pretty important event for the world to witness (as in the most important event ever). I don't think it really matters if the viewers are believers or heathens, it's something everyone should see.
 
2012-10-01 12:00:46 PM

Lawnchair: CCCarnie: If you truly believe that the day will come and you are in the business of Christian Television... Then wouldn't you want the best vantage point to broadcast when Jesus returns?

Meh. Assuming you expect to be raptured at that time, exactly what good is the ratings boost going to do you? Obviously the financial reward is nil, and even the eyeballs of a billion heathens is pretty much unimportant.


My take on it is that they're trying to keep the pot from boiling by watching it. "Thief in the night" and all that; the one thing the Bible says about the date of the end is that no one will expect it when it comes. So if you automate predictions every day, people will expect it and it'll never come: it's like troll physics, but applied to theology.

Of course, it's worth mentioning that at least according to these people's faith, trolling God doesn't tend to work out well for the trolls. Leads you to wonder why they'd bother.
 
2012-10-01 12:01:05 PM

frankenSTEEN: A fool and his money...it never ceases to amaze me how much people are willing to sacrifice of themselves and take from others in the name of something they can't even prove exists. Oh well, it's their money, they can throw it away if they wish. Just don't trample the rights of others in doing so.

On a loosely related note, I had the 'coming out' conversation with my born-again mom and her hardcore baptist husband this weekend. I've been deftly avoiding it for years, but they finally cornered me during a discussion about gay rights. Am I gay? No, but in their eyes something much worse : atheist(agn).


Come on! You don't just throw that out there. What happened?
 
2012-10-01 12:02:38 PM
That is some strange god ya'll picked.
Needs a human to gather your money and buy back his ground.

I suppose that next he will need you to build palatial living quarters in a nice compound for when he gets around to visiting.

Good luck, fools.
 
2012-10-01 12:03:27 PM
When Jesus does return, likely He'll look around, say "what the Hell have you people been doing down here?" and go back alone.
 
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