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(Daily Star)   Dear Jane: My lesbian lover is pregnant, claims I must have cheated with a guy and, somehow, passed the sperm on to her. Is that even possible?   (dailystar.co.uk) divider line 69
    More: Interesting, acceptance of responsibility, lesbian lover  
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26507 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Oct 2012 at 4:07 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-10-01 01:20:38 AM
18 votes:

Introitus: bojon: No drama like lesbian drama.

This. I know quite a few lesbians and any female drama that can occur between two people is synergistically magnified in them.


I learned that one day in Ikea. I was sitting down, taking a break, while my wife was looking around at the bedroom sets. This attractive young woman came strolling through and I made the mistake of looking at her for just a second or two too long. I realized that just off to one side, this stereotypical plaid-shirt-and-workboot-wearing bull dyke was glaring at me like she was going to stomp my ass for daring to look at her partner. For just a moment I seriously contemplated smiling at the glaring woman and saying to her, "Lighten up, Francis," but I decided that I didn't want the embarrassment of being beat up by a lesbian inside an Ikea store.
2012-10-01 03:30:02 AM
14 votes:
i.imgur.com
2012-09-30 11:19:10 PM
14 votes:
Reminds me of that time I got chlamydia from a tractor.
2012-10-01 06:31:03 AM
13 votes:

Feral_and_Preposterous: I'll bet it was "a Chinese."


Me Chinese, me play trick.
Impregnant resbian without using a dick.
2012-10-01 06:46:31 AM
12 votes:
lsd.dula.tv
2012-10-01 05:01:48 AM
10 votes:

Fark Me To Tears: [...] I decided that I didn't want the embarrassment of being beat up by a lesbian inside an Ikea store.


Don't feel bad, bro. I was once sexually harassed by a lesbian in a QFC supermarket and made to look quite ridiculous.

In case you want details, I woke up in the wee hours one night and couldn't get back to sleep, so I nipped over to the QFC with the vague idea of building up some fatigue and getting some munchies. The place was nearly deserted at that hour, and I was ambling about in a daze for while when I heard this harsh, contemptuous voice behind me, "Hey, man, make me some cookies!"

So I turn around and blearily see this couple, he in a leather jacket and jeans and she in this frilly sun-dress looking thing... only, after bit of squinting and head cocking it became clear that they were both women. The "femme" of the two was rolling her eyes adoringly at her butch, man-abusing girlfriend as if to say, "My hero!" I didn't care; I was just fuddled and confused. We were in the snack aisle, after all. "They're right there!" I said gesturing at the generous selection of cookies at her very elbow, and tottered off wondering what was wrong with people. It wasn't until I was halfway home that it dawned on me that she had been trying to demean me rather than literally seeking cookies.

She also had broken my chain of thought, so when I got home I had a ham but had forgotten to get bread. Damn dyke.
2012-09-30 11:18:21 PM
10 votes:
A modified wooden toilet roll holder?
Wow. Just wow.
2012-09-30 10:54:28 PM
8 votes:
I love the girl and usually have a brilliant sex life and I've never fancied anyone more.

But I have to admit I find her hard work a lot of the time.

The problem is she tells lies and won't accept responsibility for her actions.


So the letter writer is the man of the relationship.
2012-10-01 04:17:39 AM
7 votes:
it is known that sperm can live outside the ocean tidal pools for up to 4 hours breathing air and that they are notorious escape artists from domesticated tanks, so anything is possible.

/i am a marine biologist
2012-10-01 07:05:13 AM
5 votes:
tronnic.com

Sure, she might have gotten pregnant from sitting on the toilet. I mean there'd have to be a guy between her and the toilet...
2012-09-30 11:19:56 PM
5 votes:
No drama like lesbian drama.
2012-10-01 04:31:01 AM
4 votes:
I think this calls for an experiment..
2012-10-01 08:38:21 AM
3 votes:
Seems legit

i.imgur.com

/obligatory
2012-10-01 08:11:28 AM
3 votes:
Never rub your vag on crazy.
2012-10-01 07:53:21 AM
3 votes:
i249.photobucket.com
2012-10-01 05:12:34 AM
3 votes:
how lesbian get pragnent
2012-10-01 04:45:35 AM
3 votes:
Anyone else slightly turned on by all this?
2012-10-01 02:38:12 AM
3 votes:

Fark Me To Tears: Introitus: bojon: No drama like lesbian drama.

This. I know quite a few lesbians and any female drama that can occur between two people is synergistically magnified in them.

I learned that one day in Ikea. I was sitting down, taking a break, while my wife was looking around at the bedroom sets. This attractive young woman came strolling through and I made the mistake of looking at her for just a second or two too long. I realized that just off to one side, this stereotypical plaid-shirt-and-workboot-wearing bull dyke was glaring at me like she was going to stomp my ass for daring to look at her partner. For just a moment I seriously contemplated smiling at the glaring woman and saying to her, "Lighten up, Francis," but I decided that I didn't want the embarrassment of being beat up by a lesbian inside an Ikea store.


Lulz. You know what's really amusing? If she had stomped you, you would have been the one going to jail.
Then the hot one and your wife would be alone sharing their grief over a bottle of wine.....
2012-10-01 12:16:07 AM
3 votes:
He has full custody but she always goes back to his place for a Chinese with the family

So that's what the kids are calling it these days.
2012-09-30 11:29:07 PM
3 votes:

The Bestest: A modified wooden toilet roll holder?
Wow. Just wow.


i33.photobucket.com
2012-10-01 12:52:37 PM
2 votes:
Maybe shes straight when she's drunk.
2012-10-01 10:33:01 AM
2 votes:
i2.kym-cdn.com
2012-10-01 09:18:46 AM
2 votes:
Maybe a cumsprite got her?
Link (NSFW Cartoon)
2012-10-01 08:36:02 AM
2 votes:
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com
2012-10-01 08:06:05 AM
2 votes:

RedVentrue: I read your profile and thought, "You sound like me." Are you my alt?


Ever read Fight Club? I'm the guy who does all the shiat you can't explain when you think you're sleeping. Ever notice how people are always asking if you know about ShannonKW?
2012-10-01 07:43:10 AM
2 votes:
Scissor me timbers!
2012-10-01 06:12:33 AM
2 votes:
FTA: Last night, during one of our horrible, ongoing rows, she had the nerve to blame me for it.

What I got out of this statement: we have regular arguments. Also, they're quite vicious.

FTA: That's how stupid our fights have got...

Not only regular arguments, but stupid ones too.

FTA: I love the girl and usually have a brilliant sex life and I've never fancied anyone more.

You argue regularly, it gets quite nasty when you do, yet you still fancy this girl?

FTA: But I have to admit I find her hard work a lot of the time.

Work smarter, not harder.

FTA: The problem is she tells lies and won't accept responsibility for her actions.

I'm going to hazard a guess the incident rate of her lying is about as regular as your arguments, yet, once again, you fancy this girl?

FTA: It's pretty obvious to me that she's still sleeping with her ex yet she won't admit it.

People who tell "obvious" lies to you don't respect your intelligence, your resolve or your own self-respect- possibly all three. Still the girl of your dreams?

FTA: It's the bare-faced lying I find so insulting and offensive.

Evidently not insulting or offensive enough to do what's called for.

FTA: I have always tried to be honest but she plays games with my mind and treats me like an idiot.

It bears repeating: this is the girl of your dreams?

FTA: There is no getting away from the fact a tiny, vulnerable baby is going to be born in six months and I still don't know where I stand.

How about: try choosing where you stand instead of letting her choose it for you, hm? It's not like you could be determined to be the father of the child by any forensic means (though I admit it certainly sounds like she's trying to concoct some scenario by which you are), so what's holding you back from simply stepping away? You are.

FTA: How do I get her to stop treating me like a second-class citizen?

Simple: stop acting like one.

You have constant arguments, they apparently get quite heated, and involve your partner showing complete disrespect for you as a person. You know all of this, yet still claim this is "the one". You use this as an excuse to linger. In short: you're enabling her.


You know, I'm no less shocked at this winking woman's desire to remain with this person (a desire that stands contrary to everything resembling sense or reason) than I am at her partner's "obvious lie". These two were made for one another, clearly.
2012-10-01 05:50:18 AM
2 votes:

sleeper2995: fusillade762: He has full custody but she always goes back to his place for a Chinese with the family

So that's what the kids are calling it these days.

Well since she still likes to sleep over he is still turning her Japanese


You really think so?
2012-10-01 05:33:01 AM
2 votes:
The girlfriend sounds Republican.
2012-10-01 05:09:37 AM
2 votes:
This one is a real puzzler. I'm going to have to consult Todd Akin, member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology to get a legitimate answer.
2012-10-01 05:04:48 AM
2 votes:

bekovich: Anyone else slightly turned on by all this?


Slightly? No. Massively? Hell yes.
2012-10-01 04:47:58 AM
2 votes:
....Banana cream pie and scissors?
2012-10-01 04:18:35 AM
2 votes:
Sounds like her girlfriend is done with her lesbian phase and ready to go back to being normal. Most of the time they get it out of their system within a year or so.
2012-10-01 04:15:38 AM
2 votes:

MadAzza: For f*ck's sake, she never asked if that were possible! F*cking Subby, you lying sack of shiat. Fark you.


i2.crtcdn1.net

The headline is legitimate.
2012-10-01 01:10:45 AM
2 votes:
Dear Jane: My lesbian lover is pregnant, claims I must have cheated with a guy and, somehow, passed the sperm on to her. Is that even possible?

It depends... Did she drug you and then have you star in a snowball-and-reverse-felching porn video with her and the babydaddy?
2012-09-30 11:12:04 PM
2 votes:
Is Ed Anger writing for the Star now...
2012-10-01 11:00:31 AM
1 votes:

some_beer_drinker: is she a scientician? maybe she performed some sort of invasive procedure while the other lesbian was asleep.


nah, I don't think so. I'm straight.
2012-10-01 10:11:24 AM
1 votes:
The prophecy is now in effect.

/wierdest boner
2012-10-01 09:56:43 AM
1 votes:

PsyLord: She should've went with an invisible sky God impregnated me


goddess (ya know, spice up the old yarn)
2012-10-01 09:50:40 AM
1 votes:

davidphogan: That's one of the dumbest lies I've ever heard.


She should've went with an invisible sky God impregnated me.
2012-10-01 09:08:58 AM
1 votes:
s13.postimage.org
2012-10-01 08:57:16 AM
1 votes:

ShannonKW: RedVentrue: I read your profile and thought, "You sound like me." Are you my alt?

Ever read Fight Club? I'm the guy who does all the shiat you can't explain when you think you're sleeping. Ever notice how people are always asking if you know about ShannonKW?


Why yes. Yes I did.

Now I know who's to blame for what happened that night. :(
2012-10-01 08:52:19 AM
1 votes:
There was no man. It was a frog.

"Life finds a way."
-- Dr. Ian Malcolm
2012-10-01 08:35:53 AM
1 votes:
sad Fark... I was hoping for some scissor action...

hey, it could happen right?

img444.imageshack.us
2012-10-01 08:15:49 AM
1 votes:
I'm waiting for the followup story when thing get all stabby.
2012-10-01 07:23:54 AM
1 votes:

davidphogan: That's one of the dumbest lies I've ever heard.


Shenanigans! You can't be a totalfark member with an account created 6 years ago and expect anyone to believe that's one of the dumbest lies you've ever heard. That's one of the dumbest lies I've ever heard!

;^>
2012-10-01 07:13:05 AM
1 votes:
Gay people problems.
2012-10-01 07:06:13 AM
1 votes:
img2-1.timeinc.net

Hot like a pregnant lesbian!!!!!

(I'll go have a seat over there now)
2012-10-01 06:55:37 AM
1 votes:

brukmann: I dated a lesbian who was simultaneously selfish enough, shady enough, pathetic enough, pathological enough, and dumb enough to attempt this ruse. It didn't last long. I love my gay gals, but they are not above terrible bullshiat.


You dated my sister?
2012-10-01 06:51:20 AM
1 votes:
2012-10-01 06:43:02 AM
1 votes:

RatMaster999: Feral_and_Preposterous: I'll bet it was "a Chinese."

Me Chinese, me play trick.
Impregnant resbian without using a dick.


I ror'd
2012-10-01 06:42:40 AM
1 votes:

abhorrent1: So, fake advice columns is a thing now?


We have facebook now. If you want advice from a random stranger, go there. Advice columns are for passive aggressive types who can leave the newspaper laying around the office.
2012-10-01 06:34:41 AM
1 votes:
So, fake advice columns is a thing now?
2012-10-01 06:31:26 AM
1 votes:
One can barely expect an ounce of logic and calm thought out of 1 woman in a relationship, and we're flabbergasted when 2 women can't put together one rational unemotional thought? O_o
2012-10-01 05:46:36 AM
1 votes:

fusillade762: He has full custody but she always goes back to his place for a Chinese with the family

So that's what the kids are calling it these days.


Well since she still likes to sleep over he is still turning her Japanese
Skr
2012-10-01 05:46:07 AM
1 votes:

Ed Finnerty: [i.imgur.com image 536x280]

'dog spermed answer'

Reminds me a bit of the squid that has detachable claws that have sperm in them. Just stab a claw any ole place, detach it, and wham bam baby squids in your leg. (coming to SyFy soon)
2012-10-01 05:45:51 AM
1 votes:

Feral_and_Preposterous: I'll bet it was "a Chinese."


Asian-American is the preferred nomenclature.
2012-10-01 05:38:52 AM
1 votes:

Smoking GNU: The girlfriend sounds Republican.


I was just thinking "I haven't seen such clear projection since the last GOP thread"
2012-10-01 05:15:00 AM
1 votes:
Somewhere, some Farker who read this after he got another chick pregnant is getting ready to tell his wife, "Damn it, I knew you were bisexual!"
2012-10-01 05:14:58 AM
1 votes:

MadAzza: For f*ck's sake, she never asked if that were possible! F*cking Subby, you lying sack of shiat. Fark you.


You sound MadAzza

/not subby
2012-10-01 05:01:11 AM
1 votes:
"Dear Jane: My lesbian lover is pregnant, claims I must have cheated with a guy and, somehow, passed the sperm on to her. Is that even possible?"
Dear Human Floormat- time you stopped punishing yourself for being a lesbian by sleeping with this sack of shiat. Grow a pair- oh, bad wording- anyhow, dump dat biatch to da curb already.
2012-10-01 04:55:31 AM
1 votes:

ExperianScaresCthulhu: Somacandra: [i33.photobucket.com image 249x599]

Can't be reposted enough.

(For those who weren't there, this is the reference)

I remember that.

how can you be a mother of two,
and yet be fooled by a false dick?
that's BULLSHIAT.
there is no denial deep enough.

there is lying to save face, though.



There's also the soap opera mentality... Person claiming to be male "survived cancer"...cue dramatic music...and now the mother of two is wrapped up in the drama as well, so it gets played out as far as it can go.

Some people are really into personal drama, I believe it's often because they received most of their isolated life lessons from TV drama, with little common sense to buffer it. An attentive new boyfriend who acts strangely can be passed off as a noble cancer survivor to family and friends and she'll continue to hold on to that script as long as she can.
2012-10-01 04:44:36 AM
1 votes:

Fark Me To Tears: Introitus: bojon: No drama like lesbian drama.

This. I know quite a few lesbians and any female drama that can occur between two people is synergistically magnified in them.

I learned that one day in Ikea. I was sitting down, taking a break, while my wife was looking around at the bedroom sets. This attractive young woman came strolling through and I made the mistake of looking at her for just a second or two too long. I realized that just off to one side, this stereotypical plaid-shirt-and-workboot-wearing bull dyke was glaring at me like she was going to stomp my ass for daring to look at her partner. For just a moment I seriously contemplated smiling at the glaring woman and saying to her, "Lighten up, Francis," but I decided that I didn't want the embarrassment of being beat up by a lesbian inside an Ikea store.


IKEA: the Euro version of X-mart.
2012-10-01 04:44:16 AM
1 votes:
i22.photobucket.com

What is this I don't even...
2012-10-01 04:40:53 AM
1 votes:
Via some vag version of snowballing, I'm sure it's possible. And extremely hot and I would want to see that on video.
2012-10-01 04:34:22 AM
1 votes:
I'll bet it was "a Chinese."
2012-10-01 04:33:34 AM
1 votes:

MadAzza: For f*ck's sake, she never asked if that were possible! F*cking Subby, you lying sack of shiat. Fark you.


But it's funnier if she had asked it therefore she did ask it.

I vote republican.
2012-10-01 04:13:24 AM
1 votes:
Dear Penthouse Forum, I know people claim these stories are totally made up...
2012-09-30 11:45:53 PM
1 votes:

bojon: No drama like lesbian drama.


This. I know quite a few lesbians and any female drama that can occur between two people is synergistically magnified in them.
 
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