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(ESPN)   ESPN Week 4 Power Rankings. Houston Texans move into top spot, Replacement Refs debut at number potato   ( divider line
    More: Cool, Texans, NFL, Vince Lombardi, Matt Schaub, Michael Vick, Jim Harbaugh, Philadelphia Eagles, Patriots  
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3955 clicks; posted to Sports » on 25 Sep 2012 at 3:48 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2012-09-25 04:01:19 PM  
5 votes:

2012-09-25 04:48:59 PM  
4 votes:

We are gathered here today...Hell, we have gathered here, for oh so many todays. Here, in this hallowed ground, consecrated with the hair product of Tom Brady as he styled and profiled his way to a shock victory, the tears that flowed from Jay Cutler as he wrote his latest epic poem of turnovers, the epic tardface worn by Philip Rivers as he went back-to-back by fumbling the ball in victory formation on Monday Night Football...these celebrations of absurd failure for 20 combined weeks have defined the agony and the ecstasy of being a football fan on Fark.

And yet, it all seems a bit lacking on this particular today. It just feels like it comes up short on a day that followed one in which the Internet exploded and takes place on one where the ridiculous failure of others was so great, so massive, so insanely unreal, that it forced the President of the United States to weigh in on the issue.

Cam Newton did what he was supposed to do - horribly fail on national television against a team with an actual defense, forcing recollection of which teams his wins have come against, bring a smile to the viewers' faces as they remember all the surrounding hype that consumes him. He even accomplished this feat on Thursday, making him another in a proud line of bell-to-bell winners of this award.

However, who can even recall Newton's flailing about on Thursday night at this point? Who even remembers how he chucked 3 interceptions as the game got further and further out of hand, his already spotty decision making going totally out of the window as the situation grew more and more desperate? Even his latest episode of pouting like a royal beeyotch on the bench has fallen down the memory hole, along with his teammate Steve Smith's calling out of him postgame.

Then again, finding a way to make everyone forget his putrid performance, and a way this incredibly massive? Maybe he really is the Best in the World.

All of that blinked out of existence due to the actions of a merry band of miscreants charitably called officials, and of course, Commissioner Joffrey.

For weeks now, our noble players - ever valiant in their pursuit of this award - have had to do battle with these failures, these rejects from college football, lingerie football, flag football, Tecmo Bowl, and electronic tabletop football. Horrendous calls have been made in nearly every game, not just one but many, but at least the worst of all possible worlds had not yet been reached. Their ignorance of the rulebook, it can be argued, had led to the most unsafe working conditions seen in quite some time, putting the lie to a certain leader's perpetual-ever-since-lawsuits-were-filed crusade over player safety.

At the very least, at absolute minimum, the doomsday scenario of a bunch of farkups doing what they do best and farking up the very outcome of a game had not yet happened.

And then it did.

So who are these jackasses? According to Deadspin by way of, the refs last night were Wayne Elliott, Marc Harrod, Mike Peek, Tom Keeling, Richard Simmons, Lance Easley, Derrick Rhone-Dunn, and Joe Clark. No, not THAT Joe Clark, as one would think that if he were busy farking up a football game, he'd do it expeditiously. And no, definitely not THAT Richard Simmons...even THAT Richard Simmons wouldn't be so bad.

The two made famous in the NFL's equivalent to the monkey-based see no hear/hear no evil/speak no evil picture, plastered on every newspaper from here to Seattle? That would be Derrick Rhone-Dunn and Lance Easley. Rhone-Dunn worked the Sugar Bowl 5 years ago. Easley has experience working high school and junior college games. It was Easley who, as side judge, who overruled Rhone-Dunn and called touchdown. One can only imagine, based on this, the great service Easley has provided his customers in his day job as a banker in California. His various controversial calls made during Greendale Community College games also look quite different in this new light, go Human Beings.

That isn't all, of course, not if you believe the report put forth by According to PFT, they have been told that replacement refs have been getting input from the non-replacement replay official and could have told them to overturn the call. If this is true,'s then quite possible that, knowing controversy was coming either way, the non-scabs threw their hands in the air and let the clueless jerkoffs on the field take the heat, knowing most people wouldn't know replay officials aren't scabs.

Scabs to the left of me, pussies to the right, here we all are, stuck in the middle with every other frustrated football fan across America.

And of course, last but certainly not least, there's King Roger the Chickenhearted. A base defiler of a noble name, his father was a U.S. Senator who did battle with the extreme wing of his own party, decades before battles much the same would be waged by that same party, who did so knowing he would lose his position but did so anyway. Pity he raised a son whose pursuits of player safety are shown to be nothing but hypocrisy the longer savvy players take advantage of dumbfounded officials who don't know the rules and are thrown onto the field regardless. Sad that his boy grew up to be a jackass who would be content to simply count the dollars and ratings points while an entire season looks ever more pointless as the weeks go on. Tragic that his kid would cry "the shield above all!" and would do more to tarnish it than any player scandal could ever hope to accomplish.

So yes, for throwing 3 interceptions on Thursday night, for acting like a baby after his coach quite reasonably pulled him from the game, for once more looking more like hype than hope, I'm proud to present the Week 3 Jake for the 2012 NFL season to Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers.

But for scab refs who still don't know the rulebook, for replay officials unwilling to make the tough and right call, and above all the commissioner who allows this farce to continue?

Your trophy's coming in 2 to 3 minutes. Enjoy, douchebags.
2012-09-25 04:20:48 PM  
3 votes:

Harv72b: FriarReb98: Di Atribe: Also, this was just in my fb feed


Nabb1: Oh, lord, that is just wrong, but it made me guffaw out loud.

I get a 404 error. :(

So everyone can enjoy:
2012-09-25 10:38:10 PM  
1 vote:
2012-09-25 05:33:58 PM  
1 vote:

netweavr: That Reilly Monster: Ordinal level data, subjective opinions, not the standings, etc.: How do the Jets move up one after almost getting beaten by the Dolphins and losing Revis?

Because we got our first real taste of Tebow.

He is coming. Soon he will lead the first team's offense. And soon the lulz will be had. 

//Soon meme is best meme
2012-09-25 05:06:30 PM  
1 vote:

Harv72b: Gecko Gingrich: Harv72b: Don't know about that, but I do know that after the chant Sunday night we're utterly farked on the 2013 schedule. ;)

Worth it.


What our 2013 schedule might look like over the first few weeks:

Week 1: @ Pittsburgh Steelers
Week 2: @ New England Patriots
Week 3: Home vs. cloned 1972 Miami Dolphins
Week 4: Home vs. Rodan
Week 5: @ Pod People

etc, etc...

Week 17: @ Hurricane Ditka, and three Mini-Ditkas.
2012-09-25 04:54:08 PM  
1 vote:

4NSpy: I remember when the Jake was just about QB's turning the ball over.

Best Commissioner doupleplusgood Jake. Old Jake unaward.
2012-09-25 04:22:59 PM  
1 vote:

js34603: Damn already? I was going to make a pic to post in this thread with the Saints logo on the Browns helmet because that idea amuses me greatly.

roc6783: Correction, now this thread is primed to go EPIC9000

See, js? You've still got time!

Here, Harv. Let's see if this works:
2012-09-25 04:21:49 PM  
1 vote:
The Browns are 0-3, but they're not as good as their record would indicate.
2012-09-25 04:21:23 PM  
1 vote:

rufus-t-firefly: 10x1023

I think you want 6.02x1023
2012-09-25 04:17:46 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: Treygreen13: ***snip***

Teams hitting their lowest rank this week: Packers, Patriots, Steelers, Saints, Lions, & Broncos

One team did not change rank: Browns

A different team has held the #1 spot every week.

And Woe, the mighty were laid low.

Browns won't move down till someone flushes the toilet.
2012-09-25 04:12:51 PM  
1 vote:

Harv72b: Di Atribe: But speaking of weirdos, here's the graph:

No-one is more symmetrical than the Ravens!!!

They are indeed pretty even! Ah what a lovely symphony of chaos....

Also, this was just in my fb feed
2012-09-25 04:04:28 PM  
1 vote:

Treygreen13: The Cowboys are way too high here. No way you look that bad in a game and move up a spot, let alone three.

Tampa Bay moved up, too. Perhaps they figured that if they were gonna move TB up for their play, they'd better move up the team they lost to, as well. I don't know. Don't ask me to psychoanalyze those weirdos.

But speaking of weirdos, here's the graph:

Link to full size

And I also compiled some fun (boring) facts!

Change from Week 1 to this week :
One 17 point drop: Saints
One 18 point jump: Cardinals

Two teams ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE (back at their Week 1 rankings): 49ers & Bills

Biggest changes from last week to this week:
Looks like ESPN totes stole my idea & put it on the rankings page.

Number of times rankings have changed:
Every team has changed every week except the Browns, Bucs, & Colts, who have all moved twice.

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation: Browns with 1
Highest fluctuation: Cardinals with 18

Teams hitting their highest rank this week: Texans, Falcons, Bengals, Seahawks, Cards, Bucs, & Vikings

Teams hitting their lowest rank this week: Packers, Patriots, Steelers, Saints, Lions, & Broncos

One team did not change rank: Browns

A different team has held the #1 spot every week.
2012-09-25 03:58:57 PM  
1 vote:
Hell yeah! Top 10 team baby!!! At this rate we'll be #1 in 2-3 weeks. Can' wait!
2012-09-25 03:14:43 PM  
1 vote:
Gotta love my Texans.

2012-09-25 03:03:02 PM  
1 vote:
Also, how do two teams with losing records make the top 10?

*Looks at rest of list*

Never mind.
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