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(Monsters and Critics)   Man who held the title "Washer of the Sovereign's Hands" has died at age 82. In other news, that half-eaten corn dog your roommate threw in the trash is looking mighty tasty right about now as you peruse the 'help wanted' ads   (monstersandcritics.com ) divider line
    More: Strange, Queen Elizabeth, corn dogs, King James  
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6894 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Sep 2012 at 5:53 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-24 04:44:15 PM  
Speaking in an interview prior to his death, he said: 'We used to have to write to Buckingham Palace to offer to wash the monarch's hands every time they were in residence at the Palace of Holyroodhouse.

Dear Queenie,

Please let me know next time you've handled raw chicken, Corgi puke, or taken a deuce in the Royal loo.

Yours, etc.

P. H. Craufurd

P.S. Also, if you've touched Camilla. I hear she has scabies.

P.S.
 
2012-09-24 04:57:26 PM  
Hey it's a job.

media.nowpublic.net
 
2012-09-24 05:36:28 PM  
Manos...

/Todos los empleados deberán lavarse las manos antes de volver al trabajo
 
BHK
2012-09-24 06:00:34 PM  
I'm thinking that it's a better, and safer, job than being the Hand Jobber of The Great Successor's Penis. Where do I apply?
 
2012-09-24 06:00:37 PM  
In other news, The Royal Wiper is alive and well.
 
2012-09-24 06:00:47 PM  
What's this? He says he's not dead! I can't take him like that...
 
2012-09-24 06:02:00 PM  
I hate when I'm at a bar and there's one of those guys in the bathroom. Let me get my own soap and paper towel dude, please.
 
2012-09-24 06:03:33 PM  
They need a Monarch with OCD. Think of all the jobs!!!
 
2012-09-24 06:04:59 PM  
Ok that's a pretty sweet gig.
 
2012-09-24 06:06:24 PM  
It seems like a sweet gig until you find out that she's *really* into anal fisting.
 
2012-09-24 06:07:55 PM  
Reminded me of the scene in Coming to America where the smoking hot chick stands up in the bathing pool and calmly states, "The Royal penis is clean" 

/I went to link pics, but alas all NSFW
 
2012-09-24 06:08:05 PM  
She can change a tire and is an avid hunter. I'm guessing she doesn't care about getting her hands dirty if need be.
 
2012-09-24 06:09:37 PM  
so stupid...
 
2012-09-24 06:12:13 PM  

you are a puppet: I hate when I'm at a bar and there's one of those guys in the bathroom. Let me get my own soap and paper towel dude, please.


And right after they dry your hands, what do you do? You reach in your wallet and grab a nasty, germ covered $1 bill and hand to them, nullifying the entire process.
 
2012-09-24 06:12:18 PM  
If this guy washed her hands when she was in residence at Hollyroodhouse, does that mean there was another guy at Buckingham who did it there, and others wherever she has other residences? And maybe a handwasher that travels with her? Now that's a job creator!

And if she wouldn't wash her own hands, would she deign to wipe her own ass?

"God shave the Queen!"
 
2012-09-24 06:12:21 PM  

RiverRat: Reminded me of the scene in Coming to America where the smoking hot chick stands up in the bathing pool and calmly states, "The Royal penis is clean" 

/I went to link pics, but alas all NSFW


I have a feeling I've only ever watched the movie on TV...
 
2012-09-24 06:12:23 PM  
It's a sinecure. He occasionally does the task as a symbolic gesture, and that is all.
 
2012-09-24 06:15:42 PM  
Gee, I wonder what backwards island in the South Pacific this is from. *Clicks link* Oh... North Atlantic.
 
2012-09-24 06:16:37 PM  
David Bowie has a hand-washer?
 
2012-09-24 06:17:09 PM  
Jocundry

Just boobies ...... gorgeous, milk-chocolate boobies
 
2012-09-24 06:23:18 PM  

phalamir: It's a sinecure. He occasionally does the task as a symbolic gesture, and that is all.


Exactly.
 
2012-09-24 06:25:09 PM  
All week I've been hearing "You Americans", now its my turn, "You British".
 
2012-09-24 06:29:58 PM  
It's good to be the King. Or the Queen.
 
2012-09-24 06:33:39 PM  

Strongbeerrules: In other news, The Royal Wiper is alive and well.


I hear the Trimmer of Her Majesty's Cuticles is feeling unwell...
 
2012-09-24 06:35:06 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com


t1.gstatic.com
 
2012-09-24 06:36:19 PM  
Peter was tasked with being the royal's hand washer after his ancestors' vanquished men who were abusing King James V

If you or your monarch are being abused, call the National Sovereign Violence Hotline. Trained counselors can help you find a safe haven while your abusers are vanquished. The call is toll-free, and the only charge is for hereditary hand-washing.

/BOTH apostrophe error's in original, for farks' sake
 
2012-09-24 06:48:48 PM  
As someone who has an official "Scrubber of the Scrotum", getting a kick, etc.

Scrotum Scrub
 
2012-09-24 06:54:17 PM  

Ow! That was my feelings!: As someone who has an official "Scrubber of the Scrotum", getting a kick, etc.

Scrotum Scrub


or Scrotum Scrub
 
2012-09-24 07:10:28 PM  
Monarchies are such novel things.
I wonder why they don't have them in the US?

dl.dropbox.com

...Oh, right.
Those angry peasants and their rifles. 

/Now all the hand washers are unionized.
 
2012-09-24 07:11:47 PM  
The Queen has a hand washer.

The King has a ball washer.
 
2012-09-24 07:12:53 PM  
so embarrassing that this monarchy still exists.
 
2012-09-24 07:13:14 PM  

Lone Stranger: [1.bp.blogspot.com image 700x933]


[t1.gstatic.com image 200x252]


I am going to make those signs and post them around town...

/That title sounds so much better than Groom of the Stool.
 
2012-09-24 07:16:38 PM  
It's like game of thrones.
 
2012-09-24 07:20:51 PM  

way south: Monarchies are such novel things.
I wonder why they don't have them in the US?

[dl.dropbox.com image 850x487]

...Oh, right.
Those angry peasants and their rifles. 

/Now all the hand washers are unionized.


We don't have a monarchy. We have the rich.
 
2012-09-24 07:21:05 PM  

you are a puppet: I hate when I'm at a bar and there's one of those guys in the bathroom. Let me get my own soap and paper towel dude, please.


Fark paying to take a piss.
 
2012-09-24 07:22:12 PM  

Lone Stranger: [1.bp.blogspot.com image 700x933]


[t1.gstatic.com image 200x252]


- The Mgt.
 
Rat
2012-09-24 07:26:40 PM  
I was gonna ask if this comes with a dental plan, but alas, tis England, so, no.

©
 
2012-09-24 07:30:40 PM  
It's always funny to watch baby countries sulk over the fact that some countries have real history,

History begats weird shiat from time to time.

/my house is older than your nation, child.
//even the local Starbucks is in a building older than your nation.
 
2012-09-24 07:36:02 PM  

Cpl.D: Sovereign died like, years ago.

[i301.photobucket.com image 850x474]

He didn't even have any hands.


th01.deviantart.net

What? No, he's still a villain on Venture Brothers.
 
2012-09-24 07:46:41 PM  
This is the weirdest Onion article I have ever read.
 
2012-09-24 07:48:54 PM  
FTFA: "Peter was tasked with being the royal's hand washer after his ancestors' vanquished men who were abusing King James V, so the monarch gave his family a farm and promised them they could keep it as long as they had water and towels at the ready to wash his hands. "
i.qkme.me
 
2012-09-24 07:53:35 PM  

www.findadeath.com

RIP Peter Lawford

 
2012-09-24 07:57:42 PM  
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of a half-eaten corndog.
 
2012-09-24 07:58:11 PM  
imageshack.us

Perhaps you'd like me to come in there and
wash your dick for you, you little shiat.
 
2012-09-24 07:58:23 PM  

alexinksit.files.wordpress.com

"Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shiat."

 
2012-09-24 07:59:30 PM  
Jinx!
 
2012-09-24 08:17:35 PM  
Here is some history on his family. "The Tale of Jock Houison: a most notable of men.

The history of the Houison family is less well known, but the first entry in the story which lead to the joining of the Houison and Craufurd families is well documented.

John 'Jock' Houison was a worker on the King's farm at Braehead, now on the outskirts of Edinburgh. When this event of note occurred is not conclusively known, and the monarch with whom it is associated is also unclear. The tale is chronicled in Sir Walter Scott's book "Tales of a Grandfather", in which he suggests that it was James V.

The event took place on Cramond Brig on the outskirts of Edinburgh, and now passed unnoticed by most, be it for the hotel which stands on Queensferry Road of the same name. Jock, busy threshing corn in his small cottage near the bridge hear a commotion outside, and on investigation saw a well dressed gentleman being attacked by muggers. Arming himself with his scythe, Jock when to the aid of the gentleman, and having successfully fought of the attackers, Jock then took the well dressed stranger into his humble dwelling, and tended the man's wounds and gave him humble hospitality. Later, Jock accompanied the man back towards Edinburgh to ensure his safety. As they talked Jock told his new acquaintance of his work on the King's farm, and the gentleman introduced himself as the 'Goodman of Ballengiech'. Jock was then asked what the one thing he would most want in the world. Jock's answer was honest and heartfelt, as he replied that to own the farm on which he worked would be his greatest wish. When they departed, Jock was invited by his new friend to visit him at the Castle the following Sunday.

Jock arrived at the gates, and on asking, an obviously well briefed sentry, for the 'Goodman of Ballengiech' was allowed to pass, where he was welcomed by the Goodman. An extensive tour of the castle ensued, culminating with Jock being asked if he would like to meet the King. The farmer was beside himself with excitement but said he didn't want to cause any trouble. The Goodman suggested they go to the main hall where he was sure that they would find the King, among his noblemen and courtiers. Jock, wary of the pending encounter enquired of his host how he would recognize the King. The Goodman replied that when they came into royal presence the King would the only one wearing a hat. Reassured, they entered the great hall together, which was packed with courtiers. Petrified, Jock scanned the room to recognize his hated monarch, but quickly concluded who his host really was saying to his host "It must be either you or me for all but us two are bare headed".

Most amused by this, the King made Jock a present of the farm of Braehead, and it is claimed conferred that he and his descendents would be free of all taxes and duty in the land of Scotland, (which unfortunately is rather difficult to prove). In return Jock and his successors should be ready to present a ewer and basin for the monarch to wash his hands, either at Holyrood Palace or when passing by Cramond Brig.
" Clicky for the whole history
 
2012-09-24 08:27:11 PM  
bout time the twat washes her own hands anyway
 
2012-09-24 08:37:05 PM  

eventhelosers: bout time the twat washes her own hands anyway


Said twat does wash her hands. This guy holds an official title that requires him to do little or no work. It is called a sinecure. The holder of this post probably only ever washes the monarch's hands once in their entire lifetime, just to say the title is still technically valid. Think of it like the Macomb County Tard-Flower Princess - the current holder of the title is not actually required to personally plant and tend for every flower in the county
 
2012-09-24 08:39:32 PM  
I hear the next in line for the job is a Quebecois.
 
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