If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(The New Yorker)   A conservative history of the United States   (newyorker.com) divider line 131
    More: Amusing, human beings, United States, Cleland, Margaret Sanger, American Revolutionary War, Jamestown, Steve Doocy, Dan Quayle  
•       •       •

6772 clicks; posted to Politics » on 21 Sep 2012 at 3:21 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



131 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all
 
2012-09-21 12:19:06 PM
Given that I'm sure you could also do this for Democrats, its still pretty funny.
 
2012-09-21 12:22:50 PM
"In the beginning there were Jews, then Jesus came and killed them all. Then the dinosaurs came and they got too greed for government handouts and they all died and turned into oil. Then the Arabs came..."
 
2012-09-21 12:33:39 PM

DamnYankees: Given that I'm sure you could also do this for Democrats, its still pretty funny.


True. Let's up the difficulty to Republicans that have run for president, or been on the presidential ticket in the last 4 years.


1500s: The American Revolutionary War begins: "The reason we fought the revolution in the sixteenth century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown."-Rick Perry
1619-1808: Africans set sail for America in search of freedom: "Other than Native Americans, who were here, all of us have the same story."-Michele Bachmann
1775: Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."-Sarah Palin.
1775: New Hampshire starts the American Revolution: "What I love about New Hampshire... You're the state where the shot was heard around the world."-Michele Bachmann
1776: The Founding Synod signs the Declaration of Independence: "...those fifty-six brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen."-Mike Huckabee
1787: Slavery is banned in the Constitution: "We also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States."-Michele Bachmann
1812: The American War for Independence ends: " 'The Star-Spangled Banner'...that song-written during the battle in the War of 1812-commemorates the sacrifice that won our liberty."-Mitt Romney
1916: Planned Parenthood opens genocide clinics: "When Margaret Sanger-check my history-started Planned Parenthood, the objective was to put these centers in primarily black communities so they could help kill black babies before they came into the world."-Herman Cain
1961: Barack Obama is born, in Africa: "And one thing that I do know is his having grown up in Kenya."-Mike Huckabee
July 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong makes a historic utterance: "The first word spoken from the moon was 'Houston.' "-Rick Perry
September 11, 2001: Nothing happened: "We had no domestic attacks under Bush."-Rudy Giuliani
2006: The Rapture of Jesus Christ débuts: "We are in the last days."-Michele Bachmann

They forgot one:
growlersoftware.com
 
2012-09-21 12:41:03 PM
...and these people are in positions of power. Holee shiat.
 
2012-09-21 12:41:38 PM

DamnYankees: Given that I'm sure you could also do this for Democrats


I'd like to see one actually.
 
2012-09-21 12:42:14 PM

make me some tea: DamnYankees: Given that I'm sure you could also do this for Democrats

I'd like to see one actually.


There was that one representative who told Colbert that the Dutch has slaved in New York in 1908 or something.
 
2012-09-21 12:44:00 PM
Flying Jihad Terror Babies!
 
2012-09-21 12:50:29 PM
1916: Planned Parenthood opens genocide clinics: "When Margaret Sanger-check my history-started Planned Parenthood, the objective was to put these centers in primarily black communities so they could help kill black babies before they came into the world."-Herman Cain

If nothing else, this got me reading on Margaret Sanger. Never heard of her before.

That said, it's probably a conspiracy theory, because the Wiki says "In 1921, Sanger founded the American Birth Control League, which later became the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. In New York, Sanger organized the first birth control clinic staffed by all-female doctors, as well as a clinic in Harlem with an entirely African-American staff."
 
2012-09-21 12:55:52 PM
Normally, I'm not much for the New Yorker, but this is pretty clever.
 
2012-09-21 01:06:49 PM
Hilarious article. I'll definitely have to read the entire thing later.
 
2012-09-21 01:12:21 PM

impaler: DamnYankees: Given that I'm sure you could also do this for Democrats, its still pretty funny.

True. Let's up the difficulty to Republicans that have run for president, or been on the presidential ticket in the last 4 years.


1500s: The American Revolutionary War begins: "The reason we fought the revolution in the sixteenth century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown."-Rick Perry
1619-1808: Africans set sail for America in search of freedom: "Other than Native Americans, who were here, all of us have the same story."-Michele Bachmann
1775: Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."-Sarah Palin.
1775: New Hampshire starts the American Revolution: "What I love about New Hampshire... You're the state where the shot was heard around the world."-Michele Bachmann
1776: The Founding Synod signs the Declaration of Independence: "...those fifty-six brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen."-Mike Huckabee
1787: Slavery is banned in the Constitution: "We also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States."-Michele Bachmann
1812: The American War for Independence ends: " 'The Star-Spangled Banner'...that song-written during the battle in the War of 1812-commemorates the sacrifice that won our liberty."-Mitt Romney
1916: Planned Parenthood opens genocide clinics: "When Margaret Sanger-check my history-started Planned Parenthood, the objective was to put these centers in primarily black communities so they could help kill black babies before they came into the world."-Herman Cain
1961: Barack Obama is born, in Africa: "And one thing that I do know is his having grown up in Kenya."-Mike Huckabee
July 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong makes a historic utterance: "The first ...


1944: U.S. troops commit one of the greatest atrocities of World War II, the Malmedy Massacre - Bill O'Reilly 
1966: American minorities bravely volunteer to fight in Vietnam in record numbers, leaving no slots left for rich white kids - Tom DeLay
 
2012-09-21 01:25:53 PM

make me some tea: ...and these people are in positions of power. Holee shiat.


THIS. I find this a little bit more horrifying than amusing.
 
2012-09-21 01:36:38 PM
Typical libtard "reading." As a True Patriot, I get all MY history from Jon McNaughton paintings.
 
2012-09-21 01:40:33 PM
Palin's Revere quote is still my favorite. The Queen of the Founder-worshiping 'Baggers in the middle of her "Wow! America!" tour queefs out some nonsense and stuns third graders with her ignorance.
 
2012-09-21 01:46:24 PM
That was refreshing.
 
2012-09-21 01:49:27 PM
I thought it began and ended with Reagan.
 
2012-09-21 01:51:31 PM

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Palin's Revere quote is still my favorite. The Queen of the Founder-worshiping 'Baggers in the middle of her "Wow! America!" tour queefs out some nonsense and stuns third graders with her ignorance.


You could easily have a Republican "fact" a day 365 day calender.

-HPV virus causing retardation, Bachman
-Montreal being in France, Palin
-Internet is a series of tubes, whatever that farker's name was
-etc...etc...
 
2012-09-21 01:57:28 PM
Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."-Sarah Palin

What in the hell is she going on about, here? Molecules?
 
2012-09-21 02:03:16 PM

Nadie_AZ: Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."-Sarah Palin

What in the hell is she going on about, here? Molecules?


You made the common mistake of trying to parse her words and make sense of them.
 
2012-09-21 02:06:40 PM

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Palin's Revere quote is still my favorite. The Queen of the Founder-worshiping 'Baggers in the middle of her "Wow! America!" tour queefs out some nonsense and stuns third graders with her ignorance.


and her base eats it up.

impaler: July 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong makes a historic utterance: "The first word spoken from the moon was 'Houston.' "-Rick Perry


I'll give this one a "Mostly True". The first sentence spoken from the moon intended for public consumption (i.e. not technical gibberish) did begin with the word "Houston":


04 06 45 43 Aldrin: Okay. ENGINE STOP.
04 06 45 45 Aldrin: ACA-out of DETENT.
04 06 45 46 Armstrong: Out of DETENT.
04 06 45 47 Aldrin: MODE CONTROL-both AUTO. DESCENT ENGINE COMMAND OVERRIDE-OFF. ENGINE ARM-OFF.
04 06 45 52 Aldrin: 413 is in.
04 06 45 57 Duke (CAPCOM): We copy you down, Eagle.
04 06 45 59 Armstrong: Houston, Tranquility Base here.
04 06 46 04 Armstrong: The Eagle has landed.
 
2012-09-21 02:08:33 PM

Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Palin's Revere quote is still my favorite. The Queen of the Founder-worshiping 'Baggers in the middle of her "Wow! America!" tour queefs out some nonsense and stuns third graders with her ignorance.


Colbert's live recreation of her version of events is side-splitting.

Link
 
2012-09-21 02:09:32 PM

Diogenes: Nadie_AZ: Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."-Sarah Palin

What in the hell is she going on about, here? Molecules?

You made the common mistake of trying to parse her words and make sense of them.


Think of all the bootstraps he must have used.
 
2012-09-21 02:16:06 PM

Outtaphase: Nina_Hartley's_Ass: Palin's Revere quote is still my favorite. The Queen of the Founder-worshiping 'Baggers in the middle of her "Wow! America!" tour queefs out some nonsense and stuns third graders with her ignorance.

Colbert's live recreation of her version of events is side-splitting.

Link


Thoughts:
I felt so bad for her on the on spot question.

Then I saw her double down on Fox News.

And I'm laughing my ass off at Colbert's comments. He's brilliant.
 
2012-09-21 02:29:29 PM

Nadie_AZ: I felt so bad for her on the on spot question.


"What have you seen so far today and what are you going to take away from your visit?"
 
2012-09-21 02:32:03 PM
The Michelle Bachman one is my favorite.
 
2012-09-21 02:37:01 PM

Diogenes: Nadie_AZ: Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."-Sarah Palin

What in the hell is she going on about, here? Molecules?

You made the common mistake of trying to parse her words and make sense of them.


Palindrome: (noun) a word, line, verse, number, sentence, etc., reading the same backward as forward, as in 'Madam, I'm Adam' or 'Poor Dan is in a droop'.

Sarah Palindrome: (noun) a sentence making the same amount of sense backward as forward, as in:

"warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free"

and

"free be to going were we and secure be to going were we that bells and shots warning those send to town through horse his riding was he as sure making and bells those ringing by, arms out away taking be to going weren't they that British the warning."
 
2012-09-21 02:46:27 PM

ignatius_crumbcake: Diogenes: Nadie_AZ: Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."-Sarah Palin

What in the hell is she going on about, here? Molecules?

You made the common mistake of trying to parse her words and make sense of them.

Palindrome: (noun) a word, line, verse, number, sentence, etc., reading the same backward as forward, as in 'Madam, I'm Adam' or 'Poor Dan is in a droop'.

Sarah Palindrome: (noun) a sentence making the same amount of sense backward as forward, as in:

"warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free"

and

"free be to going were we and secure be to going were we that bells and shots warning those send to town through horse his riding was he as sure making and bells those ringing by, arms out away taking be to going weren't they that British the warning."


Wow, you're right. A Sarah Palindrome. LOL. I cannot believe that woman was elected to public office.
 
2012-09-21 03:08:02 PM
More proof that Republicans live in an alternate reality.
 
2012-09-21 03:22:48 PM
January 20, 2008 - Baby Jesus died for our sins
 
2012-09-21 03:25:17 PM
imageshack.us


First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it.
 
2012-09-21 03:26:12 PM
www.peteykins.com

2008- Downs for Sarah!
 
2012-09-21 03:27:43 PM
I submitted this with the same headline two days ago.

/shrugs
 
2012-09-21 03:28:18 PM

Mr. Coffee Nerves: Typical libtard "reading." As a True Patriot, I get all MY history from Jon McNaughton paintings.


If you haven't seen his latest:
www.mcnaughtonart.com
 
2012-09-21 03:31:16 PM
i14.photobucket.com 

That article made me sad.
 
2012-09-21 03:32:37 PM
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be a free market capitalist Christian nation for Real Americans" and the USA was born. God looked at what he had created and it was good. Then Jesus wrote the constitution in His image and blessed the founders (well, the real Christian ones). After God-fearing Republicans freed the slaves from those racist liberal Democrats, Ronald Reagan was born by virgin birth and destroyed communism by riding into Moscow on his dinosaur with his high capacity clip carrying semi-automatic hand guns blazing away. But communism was lurking... lurking in the south pacific, brought surreptitiously from a far away African land, to undermine God's will. The great Satan "Fartbongo" would challenge the zombie Reagan and bring about the destruction of God's creation, bringing about the rapture where all the liberals burned in lakes of fire. In Jesus name, 'murika!
 
2012-09-21 03:32:50 PM
This text was pulled almost verbatim from the Conservative Homeschooler's Guide to Real American History.
 
2012-09-21 03:33:10 PM

BSABSVR: Mr. Coffee Nerves: Typical libtard "reading." As a True Patriot, I get all MY history from Jon McNaughton paintings.

If you haven't seen his latest:
[www.mcnaughtonart.com image 800x533]


OK, I give up. I don't see Waldo anywhere.
 
2012-09-21 03:33:23 PM

Mantour: 2008- Downs for Sarah!


By the beard of Zeus! I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw that. Well played.
 
2012-09-21 03:34:40 PM

BSABSVR: If you haven't seen his latest:
www.mcnaughtonart.com


While I'm enjoying going through this painting like one of those 'spot the differences' games, what the hell is up with the rooster? And Holder, Bibi, and Romney seem to have no legs.
 
2012-09-21 03:35:05 PM
1967: Max Cleland blows himself up with a grenade trying to drink beer: "Cleland lost three limbs in an accident during a routine noncombat mission where he was about to drink beer with friends."-Ann Coulter

For that alone Coulter deserves to have it's scrotum used as Satan's punching bag in Hell for all of eternity.
 
2012-09-21 03:35:08 PM
Yeah well 0bummer thinks we have 57 states so your argument is invalid.
 
2012-09-21 03:35:18 PM

BSABSVR: Mr. Coffee Nerves: Typical libtard "reading." As a True Patriot, I get all MY history from Jon McNaughton paintings.

If you haven't seen his latest:
[www.mcnaughtonart.com image 800x533]


No way. That's GOT to be a parody. *searches the site*

What is this I don't even
 
2012-09-21 03:36:44 PM
This reads like a Conservapedia article.
 
2012-09-21 03:38:40 PM

BSABSVR: Mr. Coffee Nerves: Typical libtard "reading." As a True Patriot, I get all MY history from Jon McNaughton paintings.

If you haven't seen his latest:
[www.mcnaughtonart.com image 800x533]


Is that Muslim going to throw an M-80 in the toilet? Awesome.
 
2012-09-21 03:40:02 PM
Just look at what that asshole, Obama, did in July of this year!

Link
 
2012-09-21 03:40:11 PM

impaler: DamnYankees: Given that I'm sure you could also do this for Democrats, its still pretty funny.

True. Let's up the difficulty to Republicans that have run for president, or been on the presidential ticket in the last 4 years.


To be fair, "people that have run for president" is pretty meaningless, people from both major parties have randomly declared third parties, run from jail, run on the ticket despite not being nominated or even put forward at convention, etc. Basically every presidential election is two to three serious candidates and a bunch of goddamned yahoos. The existence of the yahoos as theoretically potential candidates doesn't mean they ever had any actual chance of being nominated.

That said, I'll give it a go for the last two Dem primaries. Too lazy to quote mine since Salon's not paying me to do a fluff piece, but general ridiculousness:

Hillary Clinton: starts the Birther nonsense. Seriously suggests that an essay Obama wrote in Kindergarten counts as relevant evidence of his policy positions.

John Edwards: Sidetracked by banging the aides and hiding when they became pregnant by foisting them off on other aides. Did not end well. Maybe doesn't count since it's more genuinely terrible than funny.

Joe Biden: No for serious stupid, but loads of misstatements and silliness on par with the Paul Revere shiat. Most of it funny.

Howard Dean: YEARRRGH

Joe Leiberman: The fact that he still counted as a Dem was itself kinda dumb.

Al Sharpton: .... seriously? I actually have a few quotes off the top of my head but I'm informed that quoting his retarded shiat makes me by definition a racist.
 
2012-09-21 03:40:21 PM

make me some tea: DamnYankees: Given that I'm sure you could also do this for Democrats

I'd like to see one actually.


Just wait. You'll see one with plenty of fabricated and out-of-context quotes in your email soon enough. And then on Fark.
 
2012-09-21 03:40:44 PM

ArkPanda: BSABSVR: Mr. Coffee Nerves: Typical libtard "reading." As a True Patriot, I get all MY history from Jon McNaughton paintings.

If you haven't seen his latest:
[www.mcnaughtonart.com image 800x533]

OK, I give up. I don't see Waldo anywhere.


Obama had him killed for being a Christian.
 
2012-09-21 03:40:52 PM

brigid_fitch: BSABSVR: Mr. Coffee Nerves: Typical libtard "reading." As a True Patriot, I get all MY history from Jon McNaughton paintings.

If you haven't seen his latest:
[www.mcnaughtonart.com image 800x533]

No way. That's GOT to be a parody. *searches the site*

What is this I don't even


I know. Amazing, isn't it? I don't know what comes after self-parody, but I think it's receding in his rear-view mirror too.

I can guess what he says in his own commentary about the chicken on the podium, but I prefer to think it's asking Obama for protection against the violent molestations of the Republicans.
 
2012-09-21 03:41:49 PM
imageshack.us 

I only read the New Yorker for the cartoons.
 
Displayed 50 of 131 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report