...

Unfortunately, this satire accurately reflects my life.

/Why are you talking to me? I don't even know you!

Tornado of Zoo Animals: ...

Hi! How's it going?

I usually pretend I don't understand english until they go away.

Sometimes I can't help but think the Onion is the most accurate news site on the internet.

Better talking than singing. Lady working at CVS decided to sing during check out.

♪ I Deeeee please, doooooo yooooo de de de have your extra carrrrrre caaaaard? Willll thiiiiiiis be aaaaaallllll?♫

farking christ lady

Also, try not to sit right next to a stranger if the bus is not full. If it is full then it is acceptable but move when a free lone seat becomes available.

FirstNationalBastard: Just because it's the Onion doesn't mean it isn't true.

I have said this in other threads so I apologize to anyone who is offended at reading it twice, but if you do not like random people talking to you, do not have a kid and/or do not take them out in public. I cannot count the number of people who have it perfectly acceptable to stop me or my wife while we have our daughter and just start chatting away like I give a damn. A "Oh, she's so cute" as you continue walking by is fine, as I can keep my eyes firmly planted to the ground in front of me, grunt a response, and continue ignoring your existence. The weirdest one was at a Target, a woman asked me if she could look at my daughter, which I thought was odd since she is clearly not invisible, but ok lady, have at it. Then she proceeded to stare at my daughter for the next 10 minutes while we waited for my wife to try on clothes. It was awful.

If I want to talk to strangers I'll post pathetic trolls on fark and wait for attention

I wear a non-functional Bluetooth ear piece at all times in public for just such an occasion, is some bi-polar, just wants to talk to strangers freak job approaches, I just point to the ear piece, say "uh huh" like I'm having a conversation on the Bluetooth and shake my head at the offender 'no'. Works 99 percent of the time.

Hmm, I don't talk to random people except brief casual small talk. I also don't have many friends who are outgoing enough to introduce me to new people, nor do I meet many people through work. Consequently, how the fark are you supposed to meet friends and get dates if you're not allowed to talk to people you don't know. If you're uncomfortable talking with someone, then be polite and say that you have to go. From where I'm coming from, no one ever talks to me and it's a farking lonely world.

I so often wish that things in The Onion were actually from New Scientist instead.

Glad to see I'm not the only one.

If you wanna talk to someone so bad, call your parents. They may give a shiat about what you have to say.

The worst are at the urinals. Why are you talking to me while I am peeing?!? Are you coming on to me??

My girlfriend will talk to anyone, anywhere at anytime. You'll be lucky to hear three words from me in public. Unless it's about Doctor Who.

/which is actually what GF and I connected on...

roc6783: I have said this in other threads so I apologize to anyone who is offended at reading it twice, but if you do not like random people talking to you, do not have a kid and/or do not take them out in public...

My wife and I had our twin boys with us at the store when a lady came up and asked if she could have one, since we had two. My wife and I both smiled and started to go on our way. This lady follows us around the store for about fifteen minutes, and then tells us her daughter lost her baby shortly after it was born, and that she would like to have one of ours.

/Creepers gonna creep

I blame women. No, seriously. About a year ago, I met a girl who could talk to literally anyone. Raging slut jokes aside, she taught me indirectly how to talk to people, and now I can chat up roughly anyone.

Surprisingly, my father wasn't kidding. Asking people open-ended questions really can get them to talk to you.

What do you do about having to listen to someone who goes on and on about the inane minutiae of their everyday lives? There's a woman in my physical therapy clinic who does this. Her drivel just adds to the already excruciating pain of physical therapy.

Welcome to life as an adult, the vast majority are simply uninterested. Unless you ask them to talk about themselves, of course.

The LA Metro is a great place to run into these psychos. One time I was sitting near the doors and there was this hipsterish White dude was sitting on the other side of the train. He was just doing his thing on his phone, I was playing Sudoku on mine. Then this young Hispanic dude skips onto the train. He bugged me immediately because he stood in the doorway with both arms on the bars on the sides of the door effectively barricading anyone from entering the train. He nervously hopped up and down and occasionally leaned out and looked around until the doors closed. Then he started whisper singing to himself and shadow boxing. Suddenly he jumped onto the pole in the middle of the subway car and spun down it with the grace of a stripper before coming to a gentle stop, siting on the floor. Then he noticed the hipster dude. "Oh hey man, is that a tattoo? Is that a dragon? An Asian dragon or- or a tattoo dragon?" The guy looked down at the tattoo on his arm and kindly started explaining that it was a Chinese dragon and why he got it. Then the psycho interrupted him saying, "Aw man, I always wanted a tattoo. But my mom man, she would beat me all the time. It would be so cold under the blanket," and he just proceeded with this disjointed nonsense about his mother. It was like he was trying to rap to us or something because he had this odd cadence and rhythm the entire time. At this point I was trying as hard to look busy and uninterested as I have ever tried in my life while the poor hipster dude tried to act concerned and provided terse sympathies. The psycho got off at the next station and after we started moving again the hipster turned to me and said, "I'm pretty liberal, but we need to get psychos like that off the street." I agreed completely.

Foxxinnia: The LA Metro is a great place to run into these psychos. One time I was sitting near the doors and there was this hipsterish White dude was sitting on the other side of the train. He was just doing his thing on his phone, I was playing Sudoku on mine. Then this young Hispanic dude skips onto the train. He bugged me immediately because he stood in the doorway with both arms on the bars on the sides of the door effectively barricading anyone from entering the train. He nervously hopped up and down and occasionally leaned out and looked around until the doors closed. Then he started whisper singing to himself and shadow boxing. Suddenly he jumped onto the pole in the middle of the subway car and spun down it with the grace of a stripper before coming to a gentle stop, siting on the floor. Then he noticed the hipster dude. "Oh hey man, is that a tattoo? Is that a dragon? An Asian dragon or- or a tattoo dragon?" The guy looked down at the tattoo on his arm and kindly started explaining that it was a Chinese dragon and why he got it. Then the psycho interrupted him saying, "Aw man, I always wanted a tattoo. But my mom man, she would beat me all the time. It would be so cold under the blanket," and he just proceeded with this disjointed nonsense about his mother. It was like he was trying to rap to us or something because he had this odd cadence and rhythm the entire time. At this point I was trying as hard to look busy and uninterested as I have ever tried in my life while the poor hipster dude tried to act concerned and provided terse sympathies. The psycho got off at the next station and after we started moving again the hipster turned to me and said, "I'm pretty liberal, but we need to get psychos like that off the street." I agreed completely. moved in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air?

way south: Sometimes I can't help but think the Onion is the most accurate news site on the internet.

You're doomed.

...to a life of snark

There has been too much violence. Too much pain. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline, and the whole compound, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk away and we'll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

FarkingReading: There has been too much violence. Too much pain. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline, and the whole compound, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk away and we'll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

"Who run Baaaartertown???!!!"

Love that movie.

Bag of Hammers: I wear a non-functional Bluetooth ear piece at all times in public for just such an occasion, is some bi-polar, just wants to talk to strangers freak job approaches, I just point to the ear piece, say "uh huh" like I'm having a conversation on the Bluetooth and shake my head at the offender 'no'. Works 99 percent of the time.

What happens during that 1%?

Vanquish: Bag of Hammers: I wear a non-functional Bluetooth ear piece at all times in public for just such an occasion, is some bi-polar, just wants to talk to strangers freak job approaches, I just point to the ear piece, say "uh huh" like I'm having a conversation on the Bluetooth and shake my head at the offender 'no'. Works 99 percent of the time.

What happens during that 1%?

That's a tazin'

Where's Walt Wawra when we need him?

OOOOOOh talking to human beings. Scary.

Lizard people on the other hand give me the willies.

Honest Bender: I guess I'll share my one, slightly related CSB:

I lived in Santa Cruz for a few years. Great, weird, awesome town. Anyway, one day I'm walking into the Safeway (grocery store) and this... homeless/hippy/pothead dude tries to say something to me:

Dude: "Hey, *mumble mumble mumble*."
Me: "What? I didn't catch that."

Dude: "*unintelligible mumbling*'
Me: ".... what?"

Dude: "*unintelligible mumbling*'
Me: "um...huh?"

Dude: "Don't worry, man. It'll help you."
Me: "Right on, dude."


/I like to think that it has.
//Whatever the hell he was saying...

Yeah, Santa Cruz is awesome and interesting if you don't mind weird. It's like being in a town that was the creative enterprise of a team consisting of Weird Al, Tim Burton, Jerry Garcia, and Kelly Slater.

kab: Welcome to life as an adult, the vast majority are simply uninterested. Unless you ask them to talk about themselves, of course.

It's the Facebook paradigm: people don't care about other's shiat but want people to care about their shiat.

I don't talk too much because I've learned that most people will take take and take again from you and never think to give anything back.

What extroverts can't understand is why someone WOULDN'T want to talk to them. As someone who's the complete opposite, that baffles me. A chick at work who can't shut her yap will tell the same story to 5 different people. All 5 are within hearing distance so we all hear the same farking story 5 times. By the 3rd time we're nodding like, "yeah, yeah, got it." And they're such stupid stories! I can't tell if I'm supposed to laugh, be outraged, what? It's like she has this need to spread ALL THE INFORMATION no matter how pointless. Sure, I could tell her to STFU, but that would result in 2 days of stories around the place about how I told her to STFU.

I prefer people who consider, before talking to me, whether their information will be useful to me in any way.

Confabulat: Mawson of the Antarctic: kab: Welcome to life as an adult, the vast majority are simply uninterested. Unless you ask them to talk about themselves, of course.

It's the Facebook paradigm: people don't care about other's shiat but want people to care about their shiat.

I don't talk too much because I've learned that most people will take take and take again from you and never think to give anything back.

Wait, it took FACEBOOK for you to realize that about human beings? I hope you are young cause most people knew that basic fact of life long before that Zuckenberg kid. Where were you?

Sorry,first thing that came to mind as I was reading some Facebook articles. Should've gone with George Carlin or maybe some words by Marcus Aurelius instead.

Can The Onion do an article on pop-up ads for mobile browsers that can't be closed?

LDM90: ***snip***

See that doesn't bother me as much as random strangers making small talk. Why are you talking to me about the weather or some other detail about your life while we are both in the elevator? Why do you have a desire to interact with me just because we are momentarily sharing this cramped, inescapable death cart? I get if we are both at a bar and you make some comment about the game that is on, or we are in a line together that is taking forever and you remark how it is taking forever, but just to walk up and say sir everyone can see what you are doing in your pocket, it's just not necessary.

I have no particular problem with people randomly talking to me. I'll rarely do it myself outside the bar, but I wasn't, as my grandmother would put it, raised in a barn and I'm fully emotionally capable for taking people being friendly at face value. The fact that there are other people that are more social than I am isn't a source of anxiety to me, if anything it makes conversation easier since I don't really care what they think.

//Am I the only non-misanthrope that uses the damned internet? Why are we all on a message board if we don't like or at least not feel strongly one way or another about conversing with strangers?

roc6783: LDM90: ***snip***

See that doesn't bother me as much as random strangers making small talk. Why are you talking to me about the weather or some other detail about your life while we are both in the elevator? Why do you have a desire to interact with me just because we are momentarily sharing this cramped, inescapable death cart? I get if we are both at a bar and you make some comment about the game that is on, or we are in a line together that is taking forever and you remark how it is taking forever, but just to walk up and say sir everyone can see what you are doing in your pocket, it's just not necessary.

I think we've got an advantage over them there. For us, awkward silences are awkward. For them, EVERY silence is awkward. I have no problem sitting and saying nothing for hours. For some people, it drives them nuts.

Jim_Callahan: I have no particular problem with people randomly talking to me. I'll rarely do it myself outside the bar, but I wasn't, as my grandmother would put it, raised in a barn and I'm fully emotionally capable for taking people being friendly at face value. The fact that there are other people that are more social than I am isn't a source of anxiety to me, if anything it makes conversation easier since I don't really care what they think.

//Am I the only non-misanthrope that uses the damned internet? Why are we all on a message board if we don't like or at least not feel strongly one way or another about conversing with strangers?

Because it's not face-to-face, so there is less anxiety about what people think of you and if you don't want to deal with someone you can walk away from the computer or put them on ignore. There are non-misanthropes on the internet, it's just that they normally don't cluster around message boards because they can stand to be around people in-person. On a message board, people's annoying habits, quirks, eccentricities, etc. are not as immediately apparent. It's what comes out of their keyboards that matter, so on the internet you can be your truest self and you can see the true self of others. That is, of course, if they are being perfectly honest on the internet, which is a toss-up if you're cynical enough.

Yuri Futanari: [i.imgur.com image 400x389]

They should have just put her in the article. It would have seemed even more like satire if they had interviewed Pinkie Pie about why she has to go and ruin people's days when they want to be left alone.

Look I'm as socially maladjusted as the next guy but at least I'm honest with myself. I'm the one with the problem not the friendly strangers. The conversations are awkward because I am awkward. One of the biggest failures of modern society is social unease. I don't have cable, I stream all my media without commercials and I still know more about the details of Charlie Sheen's (or whoever happens to be the popular celebrity train wreck in any given week) life than my neighbors. This is a bad thing.

Old_Chief_Scott: A lot of you people sound like a lot of fun to hang out with if I wanted to be alone to read a book.

Me? I like to connect with people. Sometimes it's just a litle "hello" and sometimes it takes on a life of its own.

For instance, in San Diego, the opera is at the Civic Center and there is a huge parking garage next door. If you are running late you will have to park higher in the structure and ride the slow ass elevator that much farther. It was a matinee performance so I was wearing a sport coat and one of my favorite ties, subdued colors but a rippling band of white with music notes on it. So my wife and I get on the elevator with this older couple and the woman is just dressed to the nines. Her husband looks OK too but she has obviously gone all out and I compliment her on her gown. She smiles and thanks me and, I guess looking to say something nice in return, she leans forward slightly to look more closely at my tie.

"That is a beautiful tie," she says.

"Thank you," I replied. "My mother in law bought it for me when she was in Verona."

This, of course, is a fabrication.

"Really?" she says.

"Why yes. She was there to see "Aida" performed at the Arena de Verona and bought this at one of the shops. It's from a collection called Verdi, in honor of the composer."

The lady is leaning a little closer and my wife is giving me a funny look but I keep going.

"This particular tie," I continue, "is called "Requiem" and if you look closely you can see that the notes are from the third movement, the tuba mirum."

"How fascinating!" she says and leans closer. That's when I look at her husband and give him the old index finger in the cheek "fish on a hook" signal and he turns red and snorts and his teeth come part way out of his mouth.

So your point is that you're rich, like opera, like to dress up, and then screw with elderly people's heads in elevators?