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Burglars join litany of musicians who have stolen from Chuck Berry, Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book sure to be a mouthful, and US credit downgraded to "redneck lottery winner": some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 9/9 - 9/15
Posted by Unfreakable at 2012-09-18 11:35:37 AM (4 comments) | Permalink

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1555 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Sep 2012 at 11:41 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Still gearing up for the annual Headline of the Year contest, but here are some good headlines from last week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2012-09-09 to Sat 2012-09-15:

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  Former NBA star Yao Ming shines a spotlight on poaching, wishes people would quit shooting tranquilizers at him while screaming "YETI"    
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  Japanese government maps out special support network for stranded commuters in event of rush-hour disaster like earthquake or monster assault. Step 1: get out of the car; a monster is likely to stomp on it    
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  Man to sing "God Bless the USA" 911 times on 9/11, releasing the Giuliani from its slumber    
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  Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and in rushed the EPA    
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  Tropical storm Leslie speeding towards Newfoundland, although don't be counting on too much TV coverage - the Neilsen ratings won't be that great. It's an entirely different kind of landfall altogether    
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  World's oldest man dies at age 122, attributed longevity to no women, alcohol, tobacco, or any of the other things that made life worth living    
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  Article on Michigan's "super drunks" includes high-score list. Life begins at 0.40    
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  Australian newspaper starts petition to make Twitter stop people being mean online. For Twitter users, a newspaper is like a picture of a web site that has been squirted onto the mashed-up, dried corpse of a tree    
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  South Africa Dealing with Miner Threats. Wait, I thought they broke up in the 80's?    
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  Hallmark says that Monday is "National Stay Away From Seattle Day". What, as opposed to the other 364 days in the year?    
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  If your boyfriend's idea of a makeup gift is 1.5 tons of hay he stole from a neighbor's field, you should probably consider baling    
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Sports:

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  Oh, I'm afraid Peyton Manning will be quite operational when your friends arrive    
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  Antonio Smith fined $21K for kicking Incognito, evidently not very well since they knew it was him    
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  NFL memo congratulates replacement officials on "a successful week one," goes on to explain that whole "line of scrimmage" concept    
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Geek:

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  Hubble spots galaxy that shouldn't exist. Apple asks judge to take it off the market    
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  The shiniest living thing is a fruit which offers no nutritional value or satisfaction. It's the Kim Kardashian of fruit    
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  Mars rover Curiosity has a 1909 penny on board, just to confuse the hell out of future space archaeologists    
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Entertainment:

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  Michael Madsen arrested for DUI after breathing a .20, or as he calls it "breathing"    
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  Monica Lewinsky may be writing a tell-all book, reportedly has loads of stories, can give you a mouthful    
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  Every guitar player has stolen from Chuck Berry. Correction - make that every guitar player and three burglars    
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Politics:

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  Pre-existing conditions are hard for the GOP. They're the center of the Venn Diagram of "People Ayn Rand Said To Ignore" and "People Jesus Said To Help"    
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  GOP to Romney: You're so vague, we prominently think your stance is now past due    
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  Ron Paul: 9/11 attacks would not have happened if I was president, understood subjunctive verbs    
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Business:

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  Zuckerburg, "Wall Street is underestimating Facebook." Hey, even Wall Street fell for the "tap water in a bottle" scam, so maybe he's got a point    
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  Chicago's teacher's union says the two sides are "kilometers apart". Parents complain that it's finally time to get off the metric system    
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  US Credit rating downgraded to Redneck Lottery Winner    
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· · ·

4 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2012-09-18 11:45:51 AM  
Awww, I was hoping my "Lybia, boy I dunno" headline would've made it for the Politics tab

/still have my "t-bird baby" one from last week
 
2012-09-18 11:46:28 AM  
crap, Libya

/curse you Freudian slips and not previewing!!!
 
2012-09-18 11:51:49 AM  
>Oh, I'm afraid Peyton Manning will be quite operational when your friends arrive

Obviously someone in Atlanta took out the shield generator.
 
2012-09-18 05:38:42 PM  
Meh.
But 'Pre-existing conditions are hard for the GOP. They're the center of the Venn Diagram of "People Ayn Rand Said To Ignore" and "People Jesus Said To Help"' will be finding its way into my closet in t-shirt form. :D
 
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