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(Cracked)   The 5 most ridiculous attempts to be a vampire in real life, per se (some Not safe for work language)   (cracked.com) divider line 22
    More: Dumbass, Time Passes, Fright Night, Dark Shadows  
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6753 clicks; posted to Geek » on 18 Sep 2012 at 5:20 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-18 05:25:06 AM
Yet another Cracked article that tried to suck the life force from it's readers, bringing the total to 6.
 
2012-09-18 06:32:41 AM
Just so the thread is not totally worthless.
i.huffpost.com
 
2012-09-18 08:06:54 AM
When did McLovin become a vampire?
 
2012-09-18 08:25:02 AM
www.mchumor.com
 
2012-09-18 08:28:11 AM
Nice South Park joke, subby. Very subtle ;)
 
2012-09-18 08:45:32 AM
#6

petchonka.com
 
2012-09-18 08:53:43 AM

GavinTheAlmighty: #6

[petchonka.com image 605x628]


wow... just wow... and gross...
 
2012-09-18 09:11:43 AM

Dick Gozinya: When did McLovin become a vampire?


Seriously, what is that from?
 
2012-09-18 09:44:32 AM

imfallen_angel: GavinTheAlmighty: #6

[petchonka.com image 605x628]

wow... just wow... and gross...


I want to believe that is fake, but then again, it's Yahoo answers, so there's a good chance that person is dead serious...
 
2012-09-18 10:27:12 AM

Grither: Dick Gozinya: When did McLovin become a vampire?

Seriously, what is that from?


New Fright Night.
 
2012-09-18 10:50:11 AM

StrangeQ: imfallen_angel: GavinTheAlmighty: #6

[petchonka.com image 605x628]

wow... just wow... and gross...

I want to believe that is fake, but then again, it's Yahoo answers, so there's a good chance that person is dead serious...


just when you think twilight can't afford the world any more lulz.
 
2012-09-18 12:04:51 PM

texdent: Grither: Dick Gozinya: When did McLovin become a vampire?

Seriously, what is that from?

New Fright Night.


Yea McLovin plays the role previously filled by that kid who became a gay pornstar.
 
2012-09-18 12:24:54 PM
Well played, subby... per se.
 
2012-09-18 02:05:36 PM
I survived a vampire attack.

I'm a very big fan of female wrestling and as a result, for my thirtieth birthday, some friends of mine got me a female session wrestler as a 'gift'. My friends picked her out of some oddball fetish publication because she looked like the huge busted horror movie hostess, Elvira the Mistress of the Dark, except that she had noticeable fangs. So they book a two hour session with her and on my birthday, they drop me off at her studio.

After introductions, I got into some proper wrestling trunks and she got into an old-fashioned one piece, and we started wrestling. The first half hour was fun. We rolled around and grabbed ass and it was good silly fun. And then she bit me on my back.

It wasn't a bad bite, it was a nip actually, and kind of exciting. But after we started tussling again, she bit me again, and again. And it started to hurt and she started to growl. When it stopped being fun, I got off the mat and turned to leave. That was when she jumped me from behind and tried to tear a hunk of meat out of me just below my right scapula. I tried to shake her off, but she had her hooks into me.

Fortunately, my friends showed up early to take photographs before taking me home and heard me shouting for help. My one friend who was a police officer-in-training kicked in the door, and my friends rushed to my help. With a little bit of effort, they pried her off of me and began to rush me to the nearest emergency room. Before I left, I turned to look at the session wrestler and saw her covered in my blood, and licking her chops as she paced around the studio.

I tried to press charges, but she threatened me back with charges of her own, and because I was bigger than her, her charges would've stuck. And according to the detective I talked to, this wasn't the first time she did this to a client.

I still have a helluva scar where she glommed onto me.
 
2012-09-18 05:27:02 PM
I was accused of being a vampire in a court of law... so .. You know, some of us are trying to NOT be vampires.
 
2012-09-18 05:56:37 PM

Coelacanth: I survived a vampire attack.

I'm a very big fan of female wrestling and as a result, for my thirtieth birthday, some friends of mine got me a female session wrestler as a 'gift'. My friends picked her out of some oddball fetish publication because she looked like the huge busted horror movie hostess, Elvira the Mistress of the Dark, except that she had noticeable fangs. So they book a two hour session with her and on my birthday, they drop me off at her studio.

After introductions, I got into some proper wrestling trunks and she got into an old-fashioned one piece, and we started wrestling. The first half hour was fun. We rolled around and grabbed ass and it was good silly fun. And then she bit me on my back.

It wasn't a bad bite, it was a nip actually, and kind of exciting. But after we started tussling again, she bit me again, and again. And it started to hurt and she started to growl. When it stopped being fun, I got off the mat and turned to leave. That was when she jumped me from behind and tried to tear a hunk of meat out of me just below my right scapula. I tried to shake her off, but she had her hooks into me.

Fortunately, my friends showed up early to take photographs before taking me home and heard me shouting for help. My one friend who was a police officer-in-training kicked in the door, and my friends rushed to my help. With a little bit of effort, they pried her off of me and began to rush me to the nearest emergency room. Before I left, I turned to look at the session wrestler and saw her covered in my blood, and licking her chops as she paced around the studio.

I tried to press charges, but she threatened me back with charges of her own, and because I was bigger than her, her charges would've stuck. And according to the detective I talked to, this wasn't the first time she did this to a client.

I still have a helluva scar where she glommed onto me.


CSB
/no snark intended. Fo' reals, CSB
 
2012-09-18 06:31:35 PM
What are the rules for being a vampire? It just seems really easy to refute someone's claim that they're a vampire.
 
2012-09-18 06:42:22 PM
I just noticed that the Nicholas Cage "vampire" photo is obviously a 'shop. Unless of course the guy in the photo is deformed and his face looks 15-30 degrees off to his left.
 
2012-09-18 08:22:09 PM
You know, I'm a pretty open-minded guy, and I love costuming. I dress up like a pirate every chance I can get and get drunk in the Quarter with other pirate-folk. It's a fun way to spend the night. However, people that "live" as vampires are farking idiots. Losers. Motherfarking nutjobs that need to eat shiat and die. Seriously, if you or someone you know dresses/acts like a vampire all the time, kill them. Immediately. They're not going to magically stop being a psycho, and they're probably date-raping underage girls.
 
2012-09-18 10:45:39 PM
www.dvdtimes.co.uk

I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!  I'm a vampire!
 
2012-09-19 10:26:22 PM
The thing that scares me the most about #5 is that I have met people who really are that bull-goose loony. I can think of four off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are more of whom I've simply repressed the memories for the sake of my own sanity. Fortunately, despite being a dumbass and a hardcore whack job myself as a teenager, I somehow managed to be smart enough not to fark any of them.

The funniest story is the one about the guy I met at a Halloween party when I was 18 or so. He was dressed as a ninja, and wanted to know if I was a witch. (I wasn't even dressed as one.) When I told him I wasn't, he told me I was wrong, that he could tell I was from my aura, and then fed me a long line of BS about how he was a ninja and also the Earthly incarnation of the demon lord Archon (emphasis on the second syllable, with the "ch" gurgled pretentiously from the back of his throat). I kept trying to make excuses to leave because even I could tell he was full of it, but my stupid, batshiat crazy friend kept encouraging him and I was her ride home, so I ended up getting the whole sordid tale.

You see, he had a 14-year-old girlfriend (he was 24) who was the reincarnation of his one true love, only she was tragically mortal and he was destined to seek her out anew in each of her lifetimes and make her fall in love with him again. Unfortunately she had broken up with him because her parents had convinced her he was crazy, and he needed a witch to cast a love spell to get her back. He knew the moment he sensed my presence (from the other side of campus, naturally) that I was the only one who could accomplish this feat of sorcery.

I managed to drag my friend away at that point, but she ran into him again and for some reason I will never fathom if I live to be 500, gave him my phone number. And he started calling. And calling. And calling. I moved to the next state, and somehow he managed to track me down after a couple of months and showed up at my apartment. My naked (and thoroughly erect) boyfriend came up behind me and managed to run him off, but I spotted him lurking around in the bushes in his ninja suit several times after that. The next time he knocked on the door my (male) roommate met him at the door with a flaming propane torch.

See, you think I'm embellishing this story, but I don't have to. I have witnesses.

Anyway, he didn't come back, but a couple of weeks later he started calling again. Apparently he'd had a vision of me stepping out of a kettle, which meant that I was the reincarnation of the goddess Danu and thus he was even more certain I could get his girlfriend back if I would just help him. I hung up. My roommate kindly started screening calls for me, but got sick of it after a couple of weeks and threatened to stop if I didn't do something to get rid of the guy.

In what may have been the greatest (and probably only) stroke of genius I have ever experienced, I told him that the next time the head case called, he should tell him that the Feds were on to me and I had to skip town.

It actually worked. The guy never called again.

/css
//I've had good luck overall fighting crazy with crazy
 
2012-09-19 11:24:02 PM
Nick Cage is obviously a vampire... albeit an overacted, melodramatic, scenery-chewing vampire...

The Vampire's Kiss (1989) (truly some of his 'best' work)

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
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