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(610 WIOD)   Oliver North says he gives three presents to his grandchildren when they turn 12; "a shotgun, a bible, and a compass". Paper shredder surprisingly absent   (610wiod.com) divider line 100
    More: Dumbass, paper shredder  
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4481 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Sep 2012 at 2:30 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-09-17 10:54:36 AM
15 votes:
"Grandpa, why aren't you in federal prison?"
2012-09-17 10:44:35 AM
13 votes:
so they can find their bible and shoot it?
2012-09-17 11:00:23 AM
9 votes:
A moral compass?
2012-09-17 12:06:08 PM
8 votes:

kid_icarus: What does he give his grand daughters?


Syphilis.

//too far?
2012-09-17 11:00:09 AM
6 votes:
Wny do they need compasses, anyways? I'm pretty sure finding North is pretty easy for them. (Get it? Get it???)
2012-09-17 10:51:08 AM
6 votes:
"Grandpa, do you even know what an iPad is?"
2012-09-17 02:47:29 PM
5 votes:
and this lamp, all I need is a shotgun a compass, a bible and this lamp.


and the dog.
2012-09-17 01:06:24 PM
5 votes:
"The shotgun symbolizes the weapons I sold to Iran, the Bible symbolizes the one I swore an oath on and then lied to Congress, and the last one is to remind you that grandpa has no moral compass."
2012-09-17 10:48:29 AM
5 votes:
"Oh! Cool, a gun! And some.. other.. things. Thanks, Grandpa!"
2012-09-17 03:22:01 PM
4 votes:
"And the best part? Your Uncle Dick Cheney is going to take you out to teach you how to shoot!"

www.betterparentinginstitute.com
2012-09-17 03:15:33 PM
4 votes:
Funny.

I would have thought, drawing on his own life experiences, he would have given them:

1. a lawyer
2. a doddering, mentally ill employer
3. drugs to sell
2012-09-17 03:11:25 PM
4 votes:

ToxicMunkee: He's not a very good Christian if he waits until his grandkids are twelve before giving them a Bible.


Hey, they're home schooled, ya know. May as well wait until they can read.

/yeah, I went there
2012-09-17 10:54:38 AM
4 votes:
Tea PArtiers just came reading this headline.
2012-09-17 02:51:07 PM
3 votes:

stpauler: PreMortem: Has this whore got a book coming out or something, who asked him.

How'd you guess? Yup.

He also will be hosting a tour through Israel in January. Almost makes me want to root for Iran.


Well he does know a lot about making deals with Iranians, maybe he can help.
2012-09-17 03:58:40 PM
2 votes:
Tactical Facepalm!

Seniautomatc DS Arms SA-58 Rifle (licensed copy of the FAL), full LBE kit with four fully loaded magazines (Compass comes with the kit), Hardcover copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

What are your questions on this block of instruction?
2012-09-17 03:18:13 PM
2 votes:
A bible, so you feel good about wanting to kill other people.
A shotgun, with which to kill other people.
A compass, because modern ideas like GPS or evolution scare you.

No wonder FOX snapped this guy up as a news commentator, he's the archetypical modern GOP activist.
2012-09-17 03:11:12 PM
2 votes:
No he doesn't. He just says that because it's what his audience want to hear. He probably gives them a bag of Wuerther's candy.
2012-09-17 03:11:03 PM
2 votes:
funny story - at least to me.

During the Ollie North hearings, I had to attend a meeting at the Pentagon. When I returned from the meeting, I told a woman in the office that the Pentagon leaders were so much in support of Ollie that they had named one of the parking lots for him. Our offices being about 500 miles from DC and the fact that she had never been to the Pentagon made her accept my statement as true, once I showed her the map of the Pentagon.

Maybe it isn't that funny.
2012-09-17 03:06:44 PM
2 votes:

OldManDownDRoad: The Bible had those old rice-paper pages, they got used up over time to roll joints.


i.imgur.com

Thanks, Uncle Ollie!
2012-09-17 02:59:09 PM
2 votes:

cwolf20: If you're lost and need to eat, and have horrible aim.

Shotgun.

Need a direction while lost and eating game.

compass.

Need toilet paper when lost.

The bible contains a lot of it.


added bonus if you're a christian and like to read it.


FIFY
2012-09-17 02:57:14 PM
2 votes:
i47.tinypic.com

I'm sure the kids will be fine.
2012-09-17 02:56:07 PM
2 votes:
But I thought saying that Republicans clung to their bibles and guns was inaccurate?
2012-09-17 02:45:38 PM
2 votes:

The My Little Pony Killer: Notice he doesn't actually teach the brats to use their new guns.


Or the bible or the compass.
2012-09-17 02:45:23 PM
2 votes:
He's a cheap bastard. That stuff was all left over from the Iran / Contra deals. Pony up some cash and get them a hooker, you knob!
2012-09-17 02:39:16 PM
2 votes:
Take the compass and face true north, read Genesis3:19b, and blow your head off.
2012-09-17 02:36:16 PM
2 votes:

Somacandra: [upload.wikimedia.org image 296x442]

R.I.P. NORTH


Roger Ebert on "North":

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.
2012-09-17 02:36:13 PM
2 votes:
A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter.
2012-09-17 02:32:15 PM
2 votes:
And Muslim extremists give their kids AK-47s, the Koran, and a cell phone. And the rest of us just try to not be collateral damage in the ongoing war between the fundies.
2012-09-17 12:08:34 PM
2 votes:
How about copies of the US Constitution and your oath of service?
2012-09-17 11:48:40 AM
2 votes:
I see ole Ollie is still running guns...

/ bah dump-bump
2012-09-17 11:43:48 AM
2 votes:

PreMortem: Has this whore got a book coming out or something, who asked him.


How'd you guess? Yup.

He also will be hosting a tour through Israel in January. Almost makes me want to root for Iran.
2012-09-17 11:35:11 AM
2 votes:
Has this whore got a book coming out or something, who asked him.
2012-09-17 11:01:34 AM
2 votes:
He's not a very good Christian if he waits until his grandkids are twelve before giving them a Bible.
2012-09-17 11:01:25 AM
2 votes:

Rev.K: A moral compass?


A 'what would Jesus do' moral compass would look something like a regular compass with North, South, East and West replaced with "Be Nice."
2012-09-17 05:37:48 PM
1 votes:
i've never needed a firearm. i live in civilization where there are supermarkets.
2012-09-17 04:58:02 PM
1 votes:
It's also good to have 2 drops of kerosene, cornstartch, and warm cow dung on hand to treat snake bites.
2012-09-17 04:56:59 PM
1 votes:

Mugato: Could you get any more stereotypical?

Who did he get to buy the shotgun, his being a convicted felon and all?


This. Way to commit another Federal felony.
2012-09-17 04:33:44 PM
1 votes:

stevarooni: JesseL: A double barrel pump? I know of only two men who use such a weapon. One is Moe Sizlack.

Heck, there's actually a double-barrel bolt-action rifle out there! :D Why not?


A friend of mine did build one from a pair of Remington 870s, one left-handed and one right.

Link
2012-09-17 04:25:28 PM
1 votes:
And for your sixteenth birthday, buggy whips!.
2012-09-17 04:05:01 PM
1 votes:
If he were a liberal, he would, on their 12th birthday, give em a welfare check, a fake voter registration form, and a fertility treatment.
2012-09-17 04:02:55 PM
1 votes:

DaSwankOne: It is funny how many libtarded people around here do not understand that their freaking iPhone is not going to work after Obama sends us into WWIII through his limp wristed foreign policy blunders that are meant to hide the fact that he is about to bend over to the Zionist and bomb bomb bomb Iran.


You said bomb three times
2012-09-17 04:01:27 PM
1 votes:
It is funny how many libtarded people around here do not understand that their freaking iPhone is not going to work after Obama sends us into WWIII through his limp wristed foreign policy blunders that are meant to hide the fact that he is about to bend over to the Zionist and bomb bomb bomb Iran.
2012-09-17 03:56:45 PM
1 votes:
Rita: You're missin' all the fun! These peopleNorths are great! Some of them have been partyin'hunting all night long! They sing songsquote the Bible 'till they get too cold and then they go sit by the fire and they get warm, and then they come back and singquote some more!
Phil: Yeah, they're hicks, Rita!
2012-09-17 03:50:48 PM
1 votes:

MoronLessOff: Crotchrocket Slim: basemetal: If I was a 12 year old, I wouldn't mind that present.

Shotty and a compass are pretty awesome gifts. I'm surprised he doesn't complete the set with an awesome Swiss army knife or something.

I guess if he wanted to do the moral guidance thing someone's suggestion of a copy of the US Constitution wouldn't hurt.

Still Ollie's a dirt bag even if he's a decent grandfather.

Fixed blade full tang seems to be more fitting.


That's more of a 16th birthday gift, along with maybe hiring the kid a hooker and buying him a liftetime supply of Tang the drink. You know a themed gift.
2012-09-17 03:38:46 PM
1 votes:

dittybopper: He must be whipped. The littlebopper got his first gun at 8:


Yes, clearly his daughter has him pussywhipped.
2012-09-17 03:36:59 PM
1 votes:

Jekylman: compasses that only point east.


You can build one easy enough. Make a card compass, and just put the pointer 90 degrees to the right of North.
2012-09-17 03:34:37 PM
1 votes:
deodorant, a gross of no. 2 pencils, and a pack of cigarettes.
2012-09-17 03:29:32 PM
1 votes:

ttc2301: mark12A: Dawww, you're all still butthurt that the Reagan admin stopped the commies from turning central America into a socialist paradise?

THIS.

/even tho the whole 'butthurt' meme annoys me


Ethics, motherfarkers. Do you speak it?
2012-09-17 03:24:33 PM
1 votes:
How irresponsible, giving a 12 year old a bible.
2012-09-17 03:23:47 PM
1 votes:

grokca: cwolf20: If you're lost and need to eat, and have horrible aim.

Shotgun.

Need a direction while lost and eating game.

compass.

Need toilet paper when lost.

The bible contains a lot of it.


added bonus if you're a christian and like to read it.

FIFY


Actually the bible's a test: once he abandons them in the wilderness he knows the weak ones will read the bible and pray for deliverance. The spoiled ones will waste it as toilet paper, the too-clever ones will use it as kindling and freeze when the paper runs out. The truly resourceful will realize a book that size makes a perfect deadfall for their small game traps.
2012-09-17 03:23:11 PM
1 votes:

nytmare: WorldCitizen: Hey, Ollie, there are apps for two of those things. Ask your grandchildren about them.

How many days does an iPhone battery last on a camping trip?


This! That phone will be dead long before they get to the end and then they'll wish they had that paper copy of the Bible to learn what happens to Jesus at the end of the book.
2012-09-17 03:20:29 PM
1 votes:

Lumpmoose: "I say that if you learn to use all three - the shotgun, the bible and the compass - you will never be lost, you will never be hungry and you need fear nothing, but you must learn to use all three."

Says the member of the political party that can cultivate fear like nobody else. They've got plenty of shotguns and bibles but it doesn't seem to help.


And compasses that only point east.
2012-09-17 03:20:01 PM
1 votes:
Great! All three can get you in trouble.
2012-09-17 03:18:10 PM
1 votes:
If he hadn't buried all his gold, he could afford better presents
2012-09-17 03:17:44 PM
1 votes:
Guy could have a good time in Vegas with all that stuff.
2012-09-17 03:08:41 PM
1 votes:

Hermione_Granger: He should get them air rifles like Atticus got Jem and Scout.


Atticus killed neighborghood dogs. He was sick and so are you.
2012-09-17 03:06:10 PM
1 votes:
Guns, God, and... Cartography???
2012-09-17 03:05:56 PM
1 votes:
He should get them air rifles like Atticus got Jem and Scout.
2012-09-17 03:03:16 PM
1 votes:
What? No TOW missiles? The Iranian's got those from Ollie and they don't even celebrate Christmas!
2012-09-17 03:02:52 PM
1 votes:

s1ugg0: But I thought saying that Republicans clung to their bibles and guns was inaccurate?


Duh! He didn't even say shiat about the compass. It was a factually inaccurate comment and Obama should be ashamed.
2012-09-17 03:01:04 PM
1 votes:
"Dad, we live in the Chicago suburbs. Jayson is going to be attending Interlochen next year for his cello. They don't want this stuff."
"GODLESS LIBERAL COMMIE BASTARDS WARGBLEBARGLE!"
"Look, I didn't want to bring this up now....but we're going to Hawaii for Christmas this year."
2012-09-17 02:58:56 PM
1 votes:

mcreadyblue: [www.foreignpolicy.com image 300x192]


My first thought with that image? "A redacted Bible? Uh...thanks, Grandpa."
2012-09-17 02:58:54 PM
1 votes:

ampoliros: NuttierThanEver: Wish I could find the text but I like to post Senator and War hero Daniel Inouye's lecture to Oliver North on the duties of an Officer of the US military in every Ollie North thread. It is the best OH SNAP response to anything that comes out of that assholes mouth.

http://www.brown.edu/Research/Understanding_the_Iran_Contra_Affair/v- o n22.php


Inouye stated, "The uniform code makes it abundantly clear that it must be the Lawful orders of a superior officer.

In fact it says, 'Members of the military have an obligation to disobey unlawful orders.' This principle was considered so
important that we--we, the government of the United States--proposed that it be internationally applied in the Nuremberg trials."
2012-09-17 02:58:36 PM
1 votes:
Shouldn't the compass already be in the stock? 

(Obscure? Nah.)
2012-09-17 02:56:02 PM
1 votes:
"No thanks grandpa. I plan on cashing in on my relation to you by becoming a writer. I was crawling around in your attic the other day and I found some of those plans you had to suspend the Constitution. Cool. How about some notes on that time you and Ronnie came up with the notion that a nuclear war was winnable? It would have been fun to grow up in a post-win world."
2012-09-17 02:55:16 PM
1 votes:

cwolf20: If you're lost and need to eat, and have horrible aim.

Shotgun.

Need a direction while lost and eating game.

compass.

Need a collection of stories on the hiking trip but don't believe in things like an ereader.

The bible contains several books/stories


added bonus if you're a christian and like to read it.


I acknowledge that people read the bible, but I refuse to believe that anyone actually likes to read it.
2012-09-17 02:54:16 PM
1 votes:
I think I was 13 when my dad bought me a shotgun. We already had a bible and I didn't have much need of a compass. I was a pretty good woodsman without it.
2012-09-17 02:54:00 PM
1 votes:
www.foreignpolicy.com
2012-09-17 02:52:59 PM
1 votes:

TypoFlyspray: / SHOOT the book. Damnitallsomuch.


What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!
2012-09-17 02:52:52 PM
1 votes:

Mugato: Who did he get to buy the shotgun, his being a convicted felon and all?


Strictly speaking, he's not. His convictions were vacated on appeal, because witnesses against him were (theoretically, potentially) tainted by the 24/7 coverage of his testimony to Congress. If you want to make his trufans' heads explode, mention that he weaseled out of jail on that technicality thanks to the scum-sucking America-hating criminal-loving defense lawyers of the ACLU.

But as for what he said, it's no big deal. I mean, I give my grandkids Russian-language copies of the Communist Manifesto, explosives suitable for blowing up oil pipelines, and framed portraits of Leon Czolgosz. Or at least that's what I'd say if my extremist fringe would pony up the welfare checks this guy gets from his.
2012-09-17 02:43:47 PM
1 votes:

TheHighlandHowler: They might already have one:

[www.myservice.com image 250x420]


They might have all three

a3.mzstatic.com

www.christiannewstoday.com
2012-09-17 02:41:41 PM
1 votes:

NuttierThanEver: Wish I could find the text but I like to post Senator and War hero Daniel Inouye's lecture to Oliver North on the duties of an Officer of the US military in every Ollie North thread. It is the best OH SNAP response to anything that comes out of that assholes mouth.


A minor reason I voted for Jim Webb Was because I knew that he once got to punch Ollie North in the face, repeatedly for about two hours
2012-09-17 02:40:21 PM
1 votes:

tallguywithglasseson: Now that's how you make those boys into a MAN! And he's only waiting until they're 12 because MOM insisted! Women!
Pining for the old days and when I was a kid and dad and cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon

[i46.tinypic.com image 537x357]

//so vote Republican


What he doesn't tell you is that after giving them those presents he drives them about 200 miles away and releases them into the Shenandoah National Forest and expects them to walk home unassisted if they want to continue to be part of the family. Oh, and the shotgun only has two shells, and he hints to the kid they might want to save one in case they break thier leg, get mauled by a bear of somehow fail to find fresh water.
2012-09-17 02:38:56 PM
1 votes:
So they can find his gold?

encrypted-tbn2.google.com
2012-09-17 02:38:06 PM
1 votes:
Aw, but I wanted a cotton gin.
2012-09-17 02:37:49 PM
1 votes:
Paper shredder surprisingly absent.

Silly subby. Paper shredders are a law school graduation gift.
2012-09-17 02:37:33 PM
1 votes:
Is it awkward that I use "OllieNorth" as a character name in pretty much every MMO I play?
2012-09-17 02:36:57 PM
1 votes:
So they can load their shotgun, pack their bible and use their compass to head due North...
2012-09-17 02:35:23 PM
1 votes:
this is simply another gop operative who should have been in jail for a decade or so.
why people listen to him is beyond me. He fell on his sword to protect Reagan and Poppy Bush.
They pardoned him just like Wolfowitz.
2012-09-17 02:35:22 PM
1 votes:

tallguywithglasseson: Now that's how you make those boys into a MAN! And he's only waiting until they're 12 because MOM insisted! Women!


He must be whipped. The littlebopper got his first gun at 8:

i47.tinypic.com

I was a tad younger when I got my first gun:

img144.imageshack.us
2012-09-17 02:20:55 PM
1 votes:
upload.wikimedia.org

R.I.P. NORTH
2012-09-17 02:13:29 PM
1 votes:
Hmm. I would have imagined a custom Fleshlight modeled after Fawn Hall's vagina. But then again I'm the cynical type.
2012-09-17 01:04:53 PM
1 votes:

kid_icarus: But nah, this is typical southern macho bullshiat that assumes all of your grandsons will be redneck meatheads that want to blow holes in forest animals and pray to Jeebus


Grandson: "But Grandpa, I don't want to kill anything"
Ollie: "OH YES YOU DO" [shoves bible into grandson's chest]
2012-09-17 12:26:14 PM
1 votes:

kid_icarus: tallguywithglasseson: kid_icarus: What does he give his grand daughters?

Syphilis.

//too far?

Not far enough, d00d.

But nah, this is typical southern macho bullshiat that assumes all of your grandsons will be redneck meatheads that want to blow holes in forest animals and pray to Jeebus. What's Ollie going to do when one of the grandsons is of a, er...sensitive nature...or when one of the granddaughters wants a gun of her own?


He'll shoot it out of them.
2012-09-17 12:24:37 PM
1 votes:
Could you get any more stereotypical?

Who did he get to buy the shotgun, his being a convicted felon and all?
2012-09-17 12:17:42 PM
1 votes:

tallguywithglasseson: kid_icarus: What does he give his grand daughters?

Syphilis.

//too far?


Not far enough, d00d.

But nah, this is typical southern macho bullshiat that assumes all of your grandsons will be redneck meatheads that want to blow holes in forest animals and pray to Jeebus. What's Ollie going to do when one of the grandsons is of a, er...sensitive nature...or when one of the granddaughters wants a gun of her own?
2012-09-17 12:04:21 PM
1 votes:
What does he give his grand daughters?
2012-09-17 11:56:46 AM
1 votes:
Those are shiatty gifts. If I was any age, and someone gave me any of those things as a Christmas present, I'd think they didn't really like me very much.
2012-09-17 11:53:38 AM
1 votes:
"I say that if you learn to use all three - the shotgun, the bible and the compass - you will never be lost, you will never be hungry and you need fear nothing, but you must learn to use all three."

Says the member of the political party that can cultivate fear like nobody else. They've got plenty of shotguns and bibles but it doesn't seem to help.
2012-09-17 11:47:38 AM
1 votes:
Nice, closing the loop from another thread.

Oliver North, a convicted felon.
William Clinton, never convicted.
2012-09-17 11:45:55 AM
1 votes:
I got a 20 gauge when I turned 12.. Didn't get a 12 gauge until 14 :(

Already had the bible and compass.. slackers.
2012-09-17 11:44:51 AM
1 votes:
And when they turn 18 they give themselves the present of a Petition to the Court to Change a Name.
2012-09-17 11:34:30 AM
1 votes:
They might already have one:

www.myservice.com
2012-09-17 11:31:59 AM
1 votes:
*Guilty Kitty j.peg*
 
I got you a moral compass but I shredded and eated it.
2012-09-17 11:17:11 AM
1 votes:
What? What about the legacy of a name that will forever be associated with treason, failure, and dishonesty? That's a kind of present. One you wouldn't give to your worst enemy, but still.
2012-09-17 11:15:09 AM
1 votes:

tallguywithglasseson:

[i46.tinypic.com image 537x357]



looks like the kind of chainsaw you would plug in
2012-09-17 11:01:54 AM
1 votes:
Hey, Ollie, there are apps for two of those things. Ask your grandchildren about them.
2012-09-17 11:00:32 AM
1 votes:
Now that's how you make those boys into a MAN! And he's only waiting until they're 12 because MOM insisted! Women!
Pining for the old days and when I was a kid and dad and cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon

i46.tinypic.com

//so vote Republican
2012-09-17 10:48:06 AM
1 votes:
Forget that. Give me 1980s Fawn Hall.

Rawr!
2012-09-17 10:45:09 AM
1 votes:
Well, those are crappy gifts. I'd be a very disappointed 12 year old.
 
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